forever fighting the urge to give jegulus my specific brand of mental illness just split in half

working on a short post (…maybe? look. anyone following me knows what my version of short looks like, when it comes to media analysis) about why from a structural/implications level, i don’t love the read that ed’s desire to throw a talent show is an indication he needs to be brought down to earth by any means necessary 

(ft why that read also makes that scene between ed and lucius in the blanket fort sort of… narratively atonal in a way that also strips it of the poignance of connection)

the communities thing looks cool I won't lie.. but I am in agreement with a lot of folks who worry about it becoming super exclusive. And tumblr already has that huge ass problem as it is.

why would i exercise when i can do the world's worst arm workout trying to remove cork from this wine bottle

the last remaining threads of my sanity are slipping through my fingers rn 🚬 😑

specifically looking at the hewitts since granted i know more on the remakes than the others but,

the hewitts only got vague, limited police action looking into them in '03 after erin chops thomas' arm off and gets away. and even though theres' coverage of it and everything, that literally ONLY happens after 4-5 straight years of the hewitts doing what they do, from 69-73 in terms of solely the remake timeline.

that's still a shitton of time to be ACTIVELY killing people to y'know. not fucking die yourselves. then combine that with the sawyers - their additional family members, their own trails of ruthlessness added into the mix, and this entire combined family unit likely has kill counts all around in the hundreds if not even way past that.

but even with the police involvement in the remakes?

its all SO SLOPPY, its hardly conducted with any real CARE about their own well-beings. like??? ya'll went into that house while THOMAS was STILL THERE... didnt even SECURE THE HOUSE.....

and even with the found footage? no arrests, presumably. the remaining hewitts are still at large, thomas is still at large. like... all ya'll did was corral them to their fucking confusing ass tunnel system and made luda (if we count the comics) far more involved and ruthless in the actual killings than she was in the movies lol

and yes technically speaking with charlie's death that could sever the stronghold they've got on the police and sheriffs' around them - but at the same time - how bad would it look of them to SUDDENLY flip a switch and try to unpack the years worth of missing persons, cold cases, murders, kidnappings, break-ins, assaults, etc etc that they swept under the rug? that's WAY too much man power, esp for back then. no one is gonna do that shit.

so. i truly dont think they have much to worry about even in the event of charlie dying - because the fear and influence they've instilled stands for law enforcement to continue to do fuck all - to save and cover their own asses.

AH I REMEMBERED WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY EARLIER but it's kind of stupid, lmao.

So my partner is getting into brewing beer and I got them a Tilt, which is a Bluetooth hydrometer. It measures specific gravity and temperature, which are things you want to know so that you don't kill your yeast or whatever. Except the sensor's Bluetooth range is super short, and it basically runs via a phone app, and the temperature we're logging currently is the crawlspace, accessible via the staircase closet. So they were like, wait, what do we do about this, because I can't leave my phone in the closet, that's my alarm clock.

In a kind of ridiculous turn of life imitating art, I was like, hold up, I got just the thing right at my desk. Bam. Old phone. We just needed to scrounge up a charger because the battery is so dead that after charging just enough to power on it claimed it was at 53% (to be fair to it, there is a very real chance that it's correct, and it just holds no charge at this point so the capacity is just THAT low) and now it lives in the closet logging sensor data.

And I was like, you know...didn't I just solve a major story detail with a much larger version of this...yeah, no, this is all vaguely familiar somehow, power supply issues and all. Kind of cool that the concept works though. Kind of weird that it came up at all?

We are not gonna talk about the fact that I still have at least two more ancient-ass phones in a drawer where that came from because look, man, sometimes you just need a camera/mic/mini computer with Bluetooth and wifi that fits in a pocket, and people just get rid of these things, but not me. I actually could build a shitty security system out of them if I was reaaaally inclined. I mean. I'm not. But it's technically possible.

For real though, If I pick up any stupid maker projects I still high-key am thinking about slapping Bluetooth into a necomimi headset and running that through an Arduino and learning to code just enough to let me skip songs/change the volume on Spotify with my brain, because it's entirely doable, and I mean yeah I could do that on my phone remotely too, but that's not funny, now, is it. I'm just not sure it's $350+ of parts funny. Kind of a big investment just to prove the point that haha look I am the extremely ADHD type of lazy where I would rather solve a problem via the most convoluted and complicated Rube-Goldberg type ass machine way possible rather than just perform a single simple action.

YEAH I'VE BEEN THIS SCATTERED ALL DAY AND I REALLY SHOULD GO TO BED SHOULDN'T I. I started playing Satisfactory. Mistakes were made. I'm going to dream about conveyor belts again and I did it to myself...

me crawling out of bed to type this and disappear back to my cocoon right after but-specifically looking at the hewitts since granted i know more on the remakes than the others but,

the hewitts only got vague, limited police action looking into them in '03 after erin chops thomas' arm off and gets away. and even though theres' coverage of it and everything, that literally ONLY happens after 4-5 straight years of the hewitts doing what they do, from 69-73 in terms of solely the remake timeline.

that's still a shitton of time to be ACTIVELY killing people to y'know. not fucking die yourselves. then combine that with the sawyers - their additional family members, their own trails of ruthlessness added into the mix, and this entire combined family unit likely has kill counts all around in the hundreds if not even way past that.

but even with the police involvement in the remakes?

its all SO SLOPPY, its hardly conducted with any real CARE about their own well-beings. like??? ya'll went into that house while THOMAS was STILL THERE... didnt even SECURE THE HOUSE.....

and even with the found footage? no arrests, presumably. the remaining hewitts are still at large, thomas is still at large. like... all ya'll did was corral them to their fucking confusing ass tunnel system and made luda (if we count the comics) far more involved and ruthless in the actual killings than she was in the movies lol

and yes technically speaking with charlie's death that could sever the stronghold they've got on the police and sheriffs' around them - but at the same time - how bad would it look of them to SUDDENLY flip a switch and try to unpack the years worth of missing persons, cold cases, murders, kidnappings, break-ins, assaults, etc etc that they swept under the rug? that's WAY too much man power, esp for back then. no one is gonna do that shit.

so. i truly dont think they have much to worry about even in the event of charlie dying - because the fear and influence they've instilled stands for law enforcement to continue to do fuck all - to save and cover their own asses.

I think a lot of money could be made if there was either a network tv channel or a Youtube livestream that

Wait... hold on... post cancelled it's Boomerang channel.

i want help.. but i cant ask for help… i have to be big and do things on my own… but i need help… i need help i need help….. i do wish i had a partner who could help me… my friends.. cant… they are all too dependent like me… i’m the one always offering help to them… sometimes they will help me with big things like moving house but its the little things that i need support in… i have a social worker but he doesnt offer the kind of help that i need… UAAAARGH i want my mother. and i want her to be different and to help me. i wish she’d continued to smother me like when i was little… it hurt so bad when she detached that codependency… its a good thing but i never really learned how to do things on my own…… its not fair. i want my old life back why is it so hard to be here. i feel so alone and it all feels so wrong and it feels like there should be an answer or a solution but i cant see it and everything feels so wrong and i cant move and feel my body like i used to it feels so heavy and wrong and i cant see it i cant feel it it feels so wrong i’m so detached i thought i missed the delusions but i can feel them coming and it feels so wrong… fuck this isnt going to work is it i cant live here. i want to fix this so bad i want to be a real person. nothing comforts me anymore. only maybe my phone. which sucks so bad and is why i cant get anything done. i wanted to puke and cut myself so bad last night for the first time in a long time, i mean sometimes i get those feelings but it was really strong. maybe its a good thing. ive been more impulsive lately and maybe its a good thing. feels like when you start taking meds and finally have the enwrgy to try and kill uourself. i feel so broken though and like i cant move. i wish i had my room again. my soul is fucking disintegrating without four walls to keep it contained. i didn’t realise i was so depressed i guess it caught up with me. i guess this is just one single moment in time and these feelings dont have to be permanent at all i can let them go. i can let them go i can let them go i can let them go. i managedto soothe myself yesterday… but then we had to go out and it was horrible i almost could have had a meltdown in public which NEVER never ever happens. maybe its a good thing too. i think ive been masking less lately. it doesnt feel good though. feels horriblw and embarrassing to be myself. this self. it seems so weak and so tiny and so stupid. i want to live alone. i want help. i hate myself for these contradictions. why have i been the same for so long. why did i let it all go one like i had no power over it. when i always did. it makes me really angry to think how easy it has been to almost give up smoking this past week. its been several years of sameness. will it be this easy when everything else suddenly changes as well ? have i always held the power to do so ? why’d i have to ruin my teenage years like this then ? it feels horrible. it feels cruel. why cant i make better choices for myself why cant i take my life i to my own hands. ?!! its horrible. i wish i was anyone else. i feel so close to understanding everything i need to to make the most of life but i just hold myself back every single step of the way. i hate my family for letting me be like this. they had so much more than me. now they don’t even appreciate it. they just teach me all the wrong things and enable my neurosis. i dont know. thats cruel to say. but its how i feel. i want help but ill never let anyone in becuz i cant make anyone understand me. i know its all my fault. i just don’t know how to fix it. i wish i was anyone else. i want to crawl up into the inside of my own brain and die. like a sick old cat. all alone.

I think that we as a society should stop making dating reality shows.

Absolutely horrific heart pounding nightmare woke me up for the day. That's. a start to it lmao

i think callout posts (while super annoying) are also so funny bc most of the time they're about some random ass person most people dont even know and the callout is like:

"You HAVE to stop letting this person get away with acting like this"

Like who is this nebulous "You?" When you're addressing a "community," who are you referring to? This person's circle of friends or an entire body of people who probably haven't even heard of nor interacted with this person?