#joel is showing off his delightful soulmate | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

paradoxlemonade · 4 months

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Mirror Mirror

Fandom: Double Life SMP

Dynamic: Etho & Joel

words: 1313

Warnings: body image issues, insecurity

Ao3: Here!

Summary: Etho doesn't like how he looks. Joel does not know this. Hurt/comfort ensues. (This is my @mcytblrholidayexchange present for @kyleknight! I hope you enjoy ^^)

— — — — —

Joel likes to think he’s a pretty funny guy in his own humble opinion, thank you very much. People laugh when he starts cracking jokes, and those that don’t are probably just peeved that they’re the subject of his mockery—after all, when there’s a punchline, someone has to be the one to get decked. It’s all in good fun!

It’s… disconcerting when someone who’s supposed to be in on the joke isn’t smiling along with it.

And it’s not like Etho’s even the one on the receiving end! The whole point of the thing is how they—as soulmates—can ruin everyone else’s thumbnails together!

It’s a bit of Etho’s that Joel has always found fun as long as he’s known about it: hiding another layer of visual data in his player code only visible upon lookup is a fantastic prank for messing with one’s friends, since it’ll only show up when they pull his image to build the thumbnail. Etho himself, who doesn’t bother with that sort of menial technicality and just whips out a camera from his back pocket when he spies a good thumbnail, is immune. And sure, sure, Joel doesn’t actually know how to replicate the effect and just went for a plain t-shirt with the face painted on in crooked lines, but it was still funny and would show up on the lookups (And Etho’s pictures, but that’s what hiding the shirt with armor is for).

Joel was grinning like mad as he showed off the creation, hands waving and detailing the concept. Etho gave an affirmation, but he hadn’t seemed particularly enthused with the concept; the mask hiding his face stretched with a smile even as his eyes skittered to the side and hid under knit brows.

So. Joel tries not to let it bother him and simply enjoy the thought of his friends being annoyed with him.

He picks at the hem of the t-shirt as he paces about the Boat Boys (not Small Etho!) base area. The day passes as usual: chaos reigns, problems are caused (all on purpose if asked, mostly on purpose in actuality), and Joel enjoys Etho’s company. Really, the man is a delight—Joel knew of him more than he knew him personally before the latest season, but every new interaction reveals something new about Etho that he didn’t know, and Joel’s actions and mannerisms in turn to him.

Everything seems fine, until. Until, until, until.

Etho removes the secret layer. Joel finds out about it in between sessions and tries (fails) not to take it personally.

It… stings.

The start of the next session and Joel’s ire do not roll in like thunder, but instead stumble in on unsure legs like a fawn. Sure, he’s irritated (and a little offended, and a little hurt), but it’s Etho. So Joel leans on the edge of The Relation Ship and drinks in the sight of the server.

A creaking floorboard from behind him and a gentle wheeze of breath belies Etho’s awaited arrival.

Without turning around, Joel begins, “I see that you’ve changed your skin?” It’s light as he can manage with a slight chuckle of incredulity, but from the tightness in his jaw, it does little to masquerade much of anything.

“I did, yes—”

“You took the face off? Was it because I—”

“Yeah.”

Joel huffs. “Wow, brilliant.” He pushes off and turns in a single motion, and—

Freezes.

…Any plans Joel has for a polite (but frigid, but pointed, but sardonic) questioning evaporate once he gets a look at Etho’s face.

He looks tired, bags like smudges of coal languishing, shifting with every blink. Every step is upheld with an air of casual nonchalance, but the slight tremble in his fingers betrays him. His pale hair is dull and falls over his scarred eye.

“...You look like a wreck.”

Etho scowls for a bare moment but beats it down to a practiced neutrality. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Joel snorts. “Considering that I hadn’t asked but you tried to deflect anyways, say that I don’t particularly believe you.” He grabs Etho by the wrist and slides past, leading him down to their chests. “Did you sleep at all between now and the last session? Because your eyebags have eyebags. Bet we could fit a whole stack of items in there.” Before Etho can respond, Joel pops the lock on a chest and picks out a loaf of bread. He drops it into Etho’s hands with a nod of finality.

“I slept just fine. And I ate too, if that’s what you’re getting at by this.” He gestures helplessly with the bread. “I told you, I’m fine.”

Joel shrugs. “And I said I didn’t believe you. I can play this game all day, especially since your face isn’t helping your argument.”

Etho scowls again. “Stop saying that.”

“Saying what? That you look like you’ve been fighting phantoms? And losing?”

“Joel, please…” His shoulders are drawn in close and his grip on the bread grows tighter, more desperate.

Joel falters.

“Are you… okay?”

Etho makes a face and stalks back onto the ship. “You don’t need to rub it in, you know.”

Joel trails behind him, his sense of assurance drying up. “You’re gonna need to be a little more specific than that, mate. Rub what in?”

He laughs. Laughs. Something dry, something quiet, something brittle. Etho keeps his gaze trained on the bread crust he picks at aimlessly. “I know I’m nothing nice to look at. I’ve known that basically forever. So you don’t need to rub it in; I already know.”

Joel blinks. He stops following Etho’s pacing and stands in place. What does he say to that? “You’re kidding, right?”

Mm. Probably not that.

Etho gives him an unimpressed look. “Why would I be kidding about this? You’ve been saying it yourself all morning.”

Wait, he thought that… and then Joel…

Oh, goddammit.

Joel rubs a hand across his face letting it trail up to drag through his hair. “You look tired, man, not ugly. You’re not a supermodel—so what? Neither am I. And neither is anyone else that we hang out with. You’re in pretty good company.” His feet finally unstick from the floor and he manages to scoot next to Etho, their shoulders brushing. “You’ve been thinking about this the entire break, haven’t you?”

Etho shrugs, as if it hides the way his shoulders droop with the weight of his thoughts. “I don’t… I try not to think about my face too much. Not ever since”—he waves his free hand at the long, ropy line bisecting his face—“that. No mirrors in any of my builds or anything. I guess your silly t-shirt just reminded me that everyone else is looking at me when I talk to them.”

Joel kinda feels bad for taking that personally, now.

He shakes his head. “If you told me what was up, I would’ve ditched the shirt. Here, like this.” He reaches up with one hand and yanks it off by the neckline, tossing it across the ship in the same motion. It hits the wall and slides to the floor in a crumpled heap. “There, now it’s gone.”

Etho takes a minute to gather his thoughts. After a pause, his eyes trail over to meet Joel’s. “Thanks.”

Joel leans over and bumps him, never breaking eye contact. “Bothering people is fun. Hurting them isn’t.”

The moment passes, and Etho turns his attention back to the bread. He slides his mask down and takes a hesitant bite.

— — — — —

Joel leans back and kicks a foot over his leg. “Besides, I can still think of, like, at least three different people who would throw themselves at you in a heartbeat if they thought they had a chance of getting you into bed with them.”

Etho chokes on a mouthful of bread.

#double life smp #trafficblr #life smp #boat boys #ethoslab #smallishbeans #joel smallishbeans #double life fanfic #mcyt #idea writes #idea original post

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fountainpenguin · 6 months

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#Riddle Watches Traffic - Secret Life Session 4 POVs - This post contains Joel, Grian, Etho, Martyn, and Scar commentary

Joel POV (My first POV for this session):

Joel, the ex-Shrek, running around dropping lines from "All Star" in conversation is everything I could have wanted.

Joel: If you were a color, what color would you be? Pearl: Red.

Can't argue with that.

Lizzie: You like my path? Joel: I do. Is it going to link up with mine? Lizzie: We've got connecting paths now. Joel: I didn't realize we were that close. Lizzie: To touch paths. Joel: I know we're married, but come on... It's getting a bit crazy now.

slkdjf Joel really does not want to be touchy-feely with anyone this season huh?

Okay I switched to Grian's POV because Joel came up to the rest of the Mounders and they were all giggling and telling him to go talk to Grian, so swapping my liveblog over:

Grian POV

?? Grian's task was to bait a yellow into believing his task was singing everything he says, that feels kinda unfair to the yellows because it doesn't give them a way to call him on it, does it? slkdjf

That is really funny he needs to get someone to call him out in order to succeed, though.

Grian's really good at like, recapping and/or giving context (like pulling up his screen to walk the audience through exactly who the Yellows on the server are). Thanks G.

sldkfjs Scar singing back to Grian... They are soulmates, your honor.

Cleo, trying not to bust up laughing: How long do you have to sing for? Grian, singing: I don't have to sing! It's a choice~!

Grian chasing people and singing while they run sdlkfjsd... Mumbo like "Please stop following me! I don't want to deal with your singing anymore!"

sldkfjsd can we make a reaction clip out of Grian sadly singing, "I am mortally wounded~"

Grian is SO GOOD at this baiting game, though. Despite needing to get a yellow to guess his task, he takes off running as soon as Joel shows up, then when Joel starts talking to him he clams up. Master of manipulation; what a deLIGHT!

sldkfjs the hilarity of Joel smugly calling Grian out and then Grian takes out his book, sighs loudly, and trots off to the Secret Keeper... and hits success instead of fail. omg.

Joel immediately adding "My world's on fire; how 'bout yours?"

Grian: "You are all terrible friends and that's what I needed <3"

lskdjfsdk Scar being like "Wait, that was your task? I thought we were just being musical." Your honor, they are soulmates.

Does... does Etho have my "reference previous seasons / fake moment from previous series" task suggestion?

Switching back to Joel:

slkdfjsldkjfksdl in Joel's POV, there's a bit of lag so when Joel confronts Grian, Grian suddenly bolts across the bridge at light speed and it's hilarious.

Switching to Etho because dying of curiosity:

Etho making cute benches outside his shack.

Cleo: Oh, there there... I was going to pat you, but then I realized... Etho: Pat me with a sword? Clean slice through the head?

sdklfjsdfj househusband Etho strikes again?? Cleo accidentally whacks him with a sword and he immediately spins around like "I'm sorry- I'll do the dishes, I'll do whatever you want! No more, no more!" Love that for him.

Love how Etho said "Aha" after looking at his task even though he hadn't even received that suggestion yet.

You nerds really gonna be like "Etho and I aren't romantic" and "We're besties" and then put a single bed inside your house, huh? What am I supposed to do with that.

?????? Martyn giving Etho the assignment of gaslighting someone into believing a fake moment from the previous series? Does Martyn have my suggested task or did we just same brain on that one? lol.

[More liveblogging under the cut <3 #Long post]

Switching over to Martyn POV because curious:

skdlfj wow Martyn's video is super loud after coming from Etho's. Just gonna turn my sound down there.

??? Martyn does not have my suggestion so I guess he and I just had the same brain wave. Alas. Here were some suggestions I put in Tango's Session 3 comments, for anyone curious:

Reference events from past Life series at least 4 times in conversation with other players (Ex: "This reminds me of that one boogeyman kill in Last Life; remember when X happened?") - [Some ideas that come to mind are that it would be funny to pester players who missed seasons by lightheartedly teasing them about events they weren't around for]

Alternatively: Convince at least 2 players that a falsified event happened in Secret Life or a past Life series [Ex: "Haven't you seen the fanart of this? I'll send it to you later." / "Remember, we were all there? Oh, you didn't play in that series; I guess you wouldn't know."]

?? They took the world border out of the Nether. Untapped escape routes in Hell.

I appreciate "mayor" Scar chasing the Big Dogs away and telling them he was going to send them to the pound.

(Loud sigh). Scar upset with Martyn for peeing on (dumping water on) his base. Martyn is running amok. Unrestrained.

slkdjf Martyn admitting he had read a lot of tasks in the past week and was thinking he'd probably end up taking someone else's idea. Y'know what, good enough for me. Whether we same brained or he read that, I'm satisfied. Also Etho saying "Martyn, you should write tasks because that's a great idea." I'll take it, slkdfj.

Watched a few minutes more of Martyn, he's talking with Joel and I have nothing to say atm, switching back to Joel:

Joel so sad when his cows get loose.

I appreciate how Martyn allowed Etho to buy his silence but then he runs to Joel and starts dropping hints.

slkdjfs Joel nailed his lyrics, good for him.

Joel working on his farms before pressing the success button is mildly stressing me out. (Oh, he was waiting for safe day).

sldkfj Etho giving Joel a chance to take a guess at him and Joel phrasing his words specifically as "Was your goal to bait a yellow into guessing you're saying 'Aha?'"

I always admire Joel's commitment to getting the right colored resources, especially wood. He takes so much pride in his builds even in the deathgame.

One of my other task suggestions was to break game rules for part of the session and I used the example of wearing a helmet. If Scar has that task, that will be quite funny. He's being super sus about that helmet and even talking like "I can take it off! I'll take it off right now" which would line up with my 50% of the session suggestion. I'll have to check on him next.

Gem's Yellow life heterochromia.

lskdjfslkjdf Boat Boys, my beloved...

Etho, parking a boat and making eye contact: Joel. Get in. Joel: The fandom's gonna go crazy, Etho. We can't do this. Etho: We're reliving the past, Joel, right now. Remember the good old days, just me and you? Joel: I do. The Relation ship. Etho: Riding the boats? Etho: ... Back when you cared about me.

skdjf I had to pause to start writing that and it really does just keep going, huh?

Joel: I still care, Etho. It's just... Etho: You still care? We hardly see each other anymore. Joel: I know, I know, but that's because I'm with the Mounders now. Etho: Well, this is where the relationship ends.

What is in Etho's Secret Life water; he is SO clingy and mushy with Joel every episode.

Joel calling Scar out for breaking the rules... is this my task, I am so curious.

Kind of surreal watching this play out. Definitely picking up the vibe that the players screened tasks together before putting them in and so they've got "rule breaker" as a possible option in their minds and that's why they're so quick to jump in and call Scar out on that TODAY despite the fact that he was also breaking rules in previous episodes. Very curious.

Martyn's calling a meeting, seems like a good time to pop over and check on Scar's task. Episode title is him calling himself a server villain so it might not be my task, but that's very funny anyway. Let's see.

Alas... It is not my "Break the rules for 50% of the episode" task suggestion, but the task he does have is really clever (Do the opposite of what people tell you to do).

Gonna bounce back to Joel and finish his episode and return to Scar later, but that will be a fun watch <3 Still getting the vibe that they screened my task ideas and maybe we will see it another day. We shall see.

I like the mental image of Scott looking up, covered in mud and dirt, as the Task Force comes barreling over the hill like "We caught you mud-handed!!"

Also enjoy the mental image of Joel catching Gem at the bottom of his water slide.

Joel @ Gem about The End: How come they went? I wouldn't go. Gem: idk, bunch of improv nerds. They just kept saying 'Yes.'

Yeah that tracks.

Gem: I just saved you a heart. I don't think I have to give you one.

I love how Joel is always like "Everybody likes me because I'm really popular." Like that's his actual dialogue. He's so fun to write and it's always funny to remember that he really is just Like That.

Congrats to Joel for finishing a nice fence around his base, lighting it up, and chopping down the trees to prevent skeleton spawning! He's doing pretty well this season.

MARTYN FIRST RED... He fell out of the world. what an idiot /affectionate.

Jimmy too... Jimmy. Jimmy, my man who has been out first four seasons in a row... is also on red life now... Jimmy, you are playing a DANGEROUS game.

Done with Joel's POV, switching to Grian's (after leaving a nice comment and a like on his video ofc <3)

Grian: The reds work slightly differently, but I'll explain that when we get our first red. Me: ... ah.

It's fun to see how careful and skilled Grian is. He's been a very high-heart green name for several episodes and it gives me 3rd Life vibes again.

That said, he lost a bunch in the caves... but I get why, gotta do the mining. Oh geez, zombie kid with a sword hits hard. Ouch.

Loving his dramatic music, though. It was interesting a few months ago when I went back and started binging some early Hermitcraft episodes, because you never appreciate the skill these guys have with subtle music until you compare them to their older videos which feel more awkward and empty. gg.

Holy GEEZ, Grian's dropping hearts like mad. Also watching him panic as his hunger meter drops because he's out of food is super funny. Yeah, that'll kill you.

Grian Session 4 would be a good early watch with that kind of tension... Also I love him limping into his base and devouring berry after berry.

Scar unable to take off his helmet because everyone keeps going "?? Take off your helmet!" and he can't.

The hilarity of:

Grian: Can I use your enchantment table? Scar: YES! ... Wait........ Grian: /turns around Scar: Noooo... Grian: /cracks up

Scar indicating he's okay with Grian using the table by using a sarcastic sing-songy voice to tell him it would be a bad idea to use it skldfj

Scar following Grian's instructions but doing so with a delay while Grian stands there confused sdlkfj

Grian: Scar said I could use it! How else would I know you had it? Cleo: ?? Why would Scar be in charge of our enchanter? Grian: ??? He said it was his??

Etho telling Grian to give his heart to Cleo slkdjf. Etho just really wants to be affectionate to someone.

Grian: What do I have to do to be friends? I hate living in that egg.

lskdjf obsessed with the besties roommates getting a third wheel roommate who brings them golden carrots.

Etho: You've been burning down your bases every episode. One rule: If you move into ours, you're not allowed to burn it down.

<3 Builder roommate!!

slkdfjsk they outsourced the bed shrine to Grian.

Etho: Cleo, you're really going to get along with Grian. He likes burning things too.

Obsessed with Grian asking why Etho waterlogged his chests and when Etho explains it's to prevent TNT damage, Grian just pauses and goes "I have made the right choice." sldkfj. Grian and Etho and Cleo team up! Very exciting; what will they do?

Grian asking Scar if he's okay and Scar saying "I'm neutral." skldjf. Scar is so good at this.

Loving Grian going to visit BigB for his obligatory "let's find out what weird stuff he's doing" commitment (and dragging Scar after him).

slkdjfskldj wheezing:

Grian: Why is Tango hanging around? Mumbo: ??? That's a bit rude? Someone partaking in a conversation and you're like "Why are you here?"

Watching Martyn eyeballing The End advancements in the chat while I know he's this close to dying from jumping in The End is stressing me out.

Mumbo: Grian, let's play a game. You stop. Grian: /stops Mumbo: /takes off running

And there go Martyn and Jimmy...

?? How interesting that red lives can't immediately PVP other players, but that's hilarious that they're supposed to have a never-ending chain of harmful tasks to complete. POV, you get possessed by a bunch of spirits who don't want to release your body. Time to add that to my Secret Life 'fic collection...

Grian's POV is done, going to leave him his like and comment, quickly wrap up these recaps, and sign off for the night.

Etho time:

Coming back in to Martyn's gaslighting suggestion... picking up what Etho does from here. sldkfj that really is my task he suggested, but Etho interpreted it differently. Fun to watch though. Also hilarious that Etho started claiming he came up with the Aha bit. sldkfj. Everyone in this series is nuts.

Shout out to Bdubs: "I want to be Yellow just for the barks."

slkdfj love Jimmy pointing out that in Last Life everyone was cracking up over Aha jokes but now everyone is just sighing at Etho.

Etho possessed by dead Southlander ghost :(

I like Etho asking if Grian wants a bread bridge because it really does sound like he's just bringing up "dead memes."

wheezing at Bdubs like "Wow, someone made the whole world in this short of a time?" and Scott jumps in like "Only a Bad Boy could do that." slkdfjlsdjf

Martyn: I meant something else but :'D (GG)

slkdfjsdljfskl screaming at BigB like "I forgot I was supposed to report to the Heart Foundation."

Etho: I'm a horse girl too. Cleo: I mean, that's what I call Bdubs.

lskdjfsldkjf Impulse jumpscare. Haven't seen him show up in any of my POVs yet. Will probably circle back to him later this weekend.

That wraps up Etho's POV, switching over... I have been watching Minecraft for like 3 hours straight.

Bdubs in Etho's comments launching a "formal complaint" against Etho sldkjfs. That's friendship.

Speedwatching Martyn and then Scar and then we rest.

Picking up 15 minutes into Martyn's episode:

Joel, about his wife: Oh, Lizzie. I forgot her. Not like she's an important part of my life or anything. Martyn: Old news, old news. Separation of work and life.

I do find it funny that Etho was bouncing around like "Joel, want to take a shot at me?"

The "Scar never stood trial" screen is cracking me up.

Again, RIP Scar unable to take off his helmet because everyone kept telling him too slkdjf.

I love Martyn and Pearl going back and forth like "You just told me to give my base a big butt and then walked off."

Martyn: I'm waiting to hand in my task in case I lose hearts so I can recover. Curse of knowledge: ...

<3 Pretty Heart Foundation cherry blossom heart and cool globe in the background.

sldkjf Impulse urging everyone to gift Skizz hearts. The guilt. They are BFFs, your honor.

Martyn's dramatic music while Scar takes off running slkdjf.

Big brain move by Martyn for swiping Mumbo's horse while sussing out his task.

Welp, this is as far as I got before someone came in and pulled me from my computer, which of course restarted in my absence and closed all my many incognito tabs with my videos :') Ugh. Thank goodness for auto-saved drafts though or I would have lost this after 3 hours of watching.

Posting now and if I have anything more to say about Martyn or Scar, I'll do so in another post!

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partyatmyhaus · 7 years

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Wouldn’t It By Easy To Believe?

The soulmate AU where your bruises/scratches/scars show up on your soulmates skin in different colors. - Matt Peake has never lead an easy life- but it lead to him meeting his Soul Mates.

AO3 Mirror

On his 8th birthday the marks show up. Perfect thin rings of various colors on his upper left leg. Right under the red swirl of a font- where his name is written. When he asks his mother, she gets wide eyes and tells him never to show his father. Matt doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal but promises her anyways.

[It’s about this time colors appear on his skin, patches of gold around his elbows and lilac on his wrists. Matt wants to ask his mother- but he remembers how she reacted about his colors, and keeps his mouth shut.]

It’s when Matt turns 10, he learns what the marks on his legs are. Matt learns about what soulmates are, and learns about why he gets splotches of other colors on his skin. His teacher explains it to him, about how when your soulmate (or soulmates in Matt’s case) get hurt- their color would appear on his skin- wherever the bruise was forming for them. And that if there was a scar, it would appear on the other- lighter than a bruise would, but it would stay.

And so his teacher explains that the lilac on his nose, comes most likely from his soulmate getting a broken nose.

Matt goes home and when he accidently makes his dad mad that night- he ends up worried he’ll be too broken for his soulmates later on.

When Matt turns 12 his dad finds out about how many bands he has. The colors, the fact his son is an abnormality and spends an hour banging on the bathroom door- screaming at him for being a mistake.

Screaming loud enough Matt hear him loud and clear, even with his hands over his ears and his loud sobs.

He hears his father’s voice loud and clear.

By the time he’s in the 8th grade, everyone knows him as the freak with 7 other soulmates. Soulmates that must hate having him because he’s always coloring their bodies in bright red- bright noticeable, questionable red.

It’s also about this time, his dad seems to be angry every night. Angry and drunk, everything becoming his mother’s fault somehow. Everything being blamed on her, on one occasion the fact it was raining being blamed on her.

Matt spends most night- falling asleep to the sounds of glass shattering, yelling and the noise of his own thoughts repeating his apologies to his soulmates.

High school starts, and he’s the only one causing colors. The scrapped white knees, and bruised grey palms have stopped. And he tries, he tries to stop the colors- the fighting, the one sided brawls. But his mom left, and Matt is still known as the freak with 7 other soulmates and he’s a small kid versus big football players and a cruel father.

Matt always tries to protect his own face, not for himself but for the 7 others. He tries, but he doesn’t always succeed.

10th grade is when he starts to self harm, he’s lost the will to care anymore. He’s heard of platonic soulmates and he knows at this point that’s what the bands have to mean. He’s not good enough to have a romantic soulmate- he knows that.

So he burns, tears, scratches and picks at his own skin. He yearns for some form of control- he hates his father but hates his mother more. He just wants something to be in his control for the next two years that he’s a dependant of his father. For the next two years he’s stuck in this household that makes his freshly washed clothes reek of alcohol and blood.

His arms become a mess, but he carefully destroys the area of his leg where the lines are.

The one night in particular where everything fell apart, and he came to the conclusion that: it was all his fucking solemates faults. If he had one soulmate he wouldn’t have this fucking problem. All these fucking problems. So, he spends an hour or two crying in the bathroom- tearing his leg and sobbing. He just wants it to stop.

He just wants everything to stop.

In Grade 11 the his knuckles are turning green and purple- without him doing anything. His solemates fight, meanwhile he lays and takes it. Under his hoodie is worse than ever- his ribs causing him pain at the smallest breath, nothing being able to heal before something new happened.

It’s also in Grade 11, he gets jumped. He goes to a football game on a whim, with a couple of kids from his Spanish class. He ends up getting cornered by a group of kids while he walked home in the dark.

They end up tackling him, ripping his shorts down and one of them crudely cutting into his leg while he cried and screamed and begged.

For the first time in years, Matt silently apologizes to his soulmates for the word that will scar into their skin under the already damaged area of the bands.

‘Monster’.

Highschool ends in a blur, grandparents and aunts he didn’t know he had pay for him to go to college and that’s when it starts to get better.

There’s no more marks coming from him, in fact the only colors on his skin come in the form of green, purple and gold. He wonders if green and purple are okay- they seem to fight a lot.

College is when he starts to figure out who he is as a person. Away from the fighting and the constant noise. College is when Matt spends the time to figure out that men and women are attractive- and he also figures out that he doesn’t seem to have a type. Too many variations of what ‘attractive’ is, too many shapes and sizes. Too many tones and quirks for him to narrow down.

In the middle of college he gets admitted to the hospital. He wakes up with thick bandages around his wrists and up his arms. He spends hours daydreaming about someone, anyone coming to visit him- to worry over him.

No one comes.

He’s discharged a week later on the empty promise of calling a therapist and enough fake smiles for no one to worry.

By the time college ends, he’s got depression. Massively so. It coming back in a tidal wave of antidepressants, and trying to motivate himself to go to job interviews. He somehow ends up with one, a nice job actually, for a pretty big tv show- but he hates it. Like something about it makes him sit just slightly to the left- like everything about it is just a tiny bit off.

[He gets trashed one night and relapses, after 2 years of being clean he relapses and ends up with a new phrase under the still ever present ‘Monster’.

‘I’m sorry’]

He gets a job with them, by chance.

Their ad looking for a new editor gets sent to him by a colleague- a friend who knows he’s miserable and on a whim he submits his resume and forgets all about it.

Until a few days later when his phone rings right after he gets home, and it’s some guy named Bruce- asking to set up an interview.

He gets hired a week later.

[Bruce is very kind when Matt explains he doesn’t want to shake hands on the deal- that he doesn’t want to touch in general].

When he joins he starts to hear about their relationship, learn more about them as people- and the gnawing feeling in his stomach grows everyday. He learns about how Bruce and Adam used to fight in high-school. How Elyse loved to roller blade as a kid- and never wore knee pads. Matt laughs endlessly over how Lawrence loved dodgeball as kid, but did not love how everyone threw harder than him.

[The gnawing feeling explodes one day over lunch when Joel talks about how he broke his nose in the 4th grade- Matt has to leave so he can stop shaking].

They all go out for drinks one night, and Matt spends the entire evening making sure his hands are covered by his hoodie- making sure no skin to skin contact can happen.

And outside of him being unable to enjoy his buzz- he does find himself laughing and enjoying the company of his friends.

He’s delighted when Elyse shows up and he leaves the bar that night with a new number in his phone under the contact name ‘Funniest Willems’.

It’s after a drunk stream, at the end of their day- that the gnawing feeling becomes just a lump of pain and dread at the bottom of his stomach.

He doesn’t remember who starts the conversation, all he knows is everyone is talking about sole marks (everyone but him of course). And eventually someone outside of their little squad is talking about the worst marks from a solemate and Adam looks ready to wilt away and Adam rambles out,

“Whoever they are- they really hate themselves. And I just wanna help.” He gives a shrug and Matt feels his heart start to beat faster, “They tried to kill themselves a few years back- and I mean technically they did. I’ve never been as scared as I was when their mark went black. It was awful. You remember that night, James?”

Matt feels ready to throw up at the nod James gives- and even drunk James looks so sad. Matt wants to make their pain stop but instead he wills himself to stay still and faced towards his computer, mimicking editing the video in front of him- even as Joel speaks up.

“They don’t want us.” And it’s the way he says it, the defeat and tiredness that should make Matt guilty but all it does is bubble up something he has never felt before in its full form.

Matt feels angry. He feels hot bitter rage, and years of pent of animosity. His hands clench so tight around his mouse that it actually pops the plastic on one side and he’s shaking when he stands up.

It catches Lawrence’s attention and it must be his face or his movements but the other doesn’t say a word as Matt packs up to leave. He does however follow Matt out of the office, and it’s only once they reach the parking garage does he call out for Matt.

“We’re sorry for bringing that up in front of you, man.” And something about the tone Lawrence is using- doesn’t calm him down, it in facts just pisses him off more. Matt throws his laptop bag into the back seat of his car and slams the door,

“Yeah, why is that?” And he huffs out a sarcastic laugh and turns to look at Lawrence. The anger ebbs away when he sees the look on Lawrence’s face.

“Because you don’t have a solemate.”

Matt doesn’t say anything before he turns and gets into his car.

The next morning, Matt wakes up and makes the decision. The decision that today he would touch one of them, to see if this was real or just a cruel joke played on him but the universe.

It takes too long for all of them to get into work, but the second the last person is through the door (Sean), Matt has ditched his hoodie and is starting to sweat lightly. This was stupid- there was no possible way these people were his soulmates. But he hoped.

Matt hadn’t hoped for something in a very long time.

So he manages to swallow his nerves somehow and walk over to where Adam and Bruce are standing around Joel’s desk.

“What’s up, Peake?” Bruce asks and Matt suddenly doesn’t have words.

“Uh, I forgot.” And he ends up sitting at his desk berating himself for the next hour for being such a coward.

[Matt cries the next morning when he gets into the shower and finds various hand print shaped bruises on his hips and thighs].

It’s when his birthday rolls around that their in the office, it is the middle of a Tuesday and they’re all dicking around (Elyse visiting her boys during her lunch hour), and suddenly everyone is planning what to do for his birthday- that he just is overwhelmed by this urge to cry a little bit.

“What do you want for your birthday?” Elyse is giggy as she asks, bouncing on her toes and has her phone already open and Matt just answers the first thing on his mind.

“A hug.” He feels stupid the second he says it, but it’s true.

“A hug? What you’ve never been hugged or something?” James says, elbowing his double hoodie hidden- midsection and Matt sees no reason to lie to them. They’re his friends- his best friends. (His only friends).

“Never had one.” He shrugs as he says it, and instantly looks to the ground afterward. The silence that follows is awful, it makes Matt want to scream.

“Uh, I have a lot of editing to do. Anything you get me will be fine- and you know you don’t, uh, have to get me anything. Birthdays have never been a big deal.” He says it to them, still looking at the ground- before shuffling away and back to his desk.

His birthday comes and everyone ends up having a mini-party at the Willems’. Lawrence and Sean get him a support for his work chair- to help with the back pain that comes from editing. Elyse, James and Bruce get him various gag gifts (including but not limited to: a neon blue ball gag, flavored lube, and a 6 foot poster for the movie North), but actually buy him 10 various games, including one he had wanted as a kid but never got.

Joel gets him a Sega Genesis and a refurbished GameCube. And Matt has to blink away a small misting in his eyes.

Adam is the one who breaks the dam. All the other gifts having built up his want to cry- but Adam shatters it. Just breaks his resolve and causes it all to crash around him.

“It’s a lame gift.” Adam hands him the wrapped box with an awkward smile and rubs the back of his neck. And Matt mumbles some comment about how he sure its fine, and once he gets the paper off- he finds out it’s not a box but it is in all actuality a picture frame. A nice black simple frame, with a certificate inside of it.

Matt has to read the words about 10 times before he cognitively understands it, and when he does he just can’t help the tears. He tries to blink them away, but he just can’t.

“Oh God. I didn’t mean to make you cry!” Adam is freaking out, going to place a hand on his shoulder- but pulls it back. They all know how Matt is with touch. He hovers awkwardly, as Matt begins to sob.

Matt feels ridiculous as he sobs on the Willems’ couch, clutching the picture frame to his chest- but he can’t stop.

“This is,” He has to take a breath, “The nicest thing anyone ha-has ever done for me.”

And it takes a few minutes for him to calm down, and after he’s settled- James asks what Adam got him.

“He wouldn’t tell us.” And Matt just smiles and finally pulls the frame from his chest,

“A star.” Matt sniffles, “Adam bought me a star.”

And Adam, God bless him, looks so out of place and is blushing for God’s sake that Matt can’t seem to help himself.

Matt ends up chest to chest with Adam, the bulk of Matt’s 3 hoodies pressing gently against Adam’s t-shirt. And everyone is just dead silent as they watch the two of them. Matt’s still got tears drying on his eyelashes, and his nose is bright red- but Adam is looking at him like Matt is the most wonderful thing in the room- and it takes a moment for Matt to eventually raise a hand- and bring it just millimeters from Adam’s skin.

And they’re so close, they’re breathing each other’s air and it’s been 2 years and they’ve never touched. Matt has never showed any sign of wanting to touch them.

And then, much like Matt is- gent but firm, Matt presses his hand onto Adam’s face. And the smile that comes from the heat on their marks, is nothing short of magnificent.

“Is Matt-?” It’s Lawernce that whispers it, and Matt and Adam are still just staring at each other, Matt’s hand still on his face- even as Adam nods.

“Yeah.”

It takes no time at all for them to allow Matt to gently touch them- and by the end of the night all of their marks are a little darker.

“This is the best birthday I’ve ever had.” Matt mumbles, right before he falls asleep that night- tucked into the guest bed, and he feels someone pet his hair.

“This the best your birthday I’ve ever had, too.” And Matt gives a huff of a laugh and drifts off to the sound of Elyse berating James for being an idiot.

The next morning, Matt is officially a year older and he wakes up to the smell of he doesn’t know what, but it’s good.

He ends up stumbling downstairs, with bed tousled hair and sleepy eyes. And it earns him a coo from James- who he waves away instantly.

By the time he’s eaten and woken up- he notices that everyone’s stuff is still by the front door. And when he voices that to Elyse, who’s working at the dishes she gives him a sad sort of smile.

“We tried to get them to leave, but after last night they said they weren’t going anywhere without you.” And she’s nodding over the breakfast counter into the living room- the same living room Matt stumbled through half awake.

And he peaks his head over and wants to...He doesn’t know what he wants to do, but his heart does a little jump at the sight of his boys. His idiots.

Adam is on the couch, face pressed into the cushions and snoring ever so slightly, and right next to him, Lawrence is asleep in the arm chair.

It’s seeing Lawrence in the armchair that makes Matt frown and somehow he ends up gently nugging Lawrence awake and leading him upstairs to the bed that is now unoccupied.

Sean wanders down somewhere in the time Matt takes Lawrence’s glasses off and get him under the blankets.

It’s a nice morning. Very domestic and warm.

[Matt decides that he loves sleepy Adam, he also decides he does not like sleepy Lawrence as much].

They spend the entire day dicking around, and it’s only when Matt stands to help with the dishes that Sean lets out a little noise.

And Matt is stretching- arms reached out over him, and it’s too perfect not too. So sean quickly moves and wraps his arms around Matt. Smashing their chests together, and tucking his head into the space available by Matt’s neck.

And Sean feels Matt go still- and they’re the closest they’ve ever been- physically and emotionally. Sean can feel how fast Matt’s heart is beating. And just when Sean goes to move away and apologize, Matt is wrapping his arms around Sean in a grip that makes it seem like he’ll never let go of him.

They end up sitting on the floor- never once breaking the embrace. Sean ends up sitting in Matt’s lap while Matt hides his face in Sean’s shoulder. Sean’s sure he can feel wetness, but he doesn’t say anything.

No one else says anything about it, they just let it happen. Photos are taken- granted, but they all remember what Matt had told them.

“Never had one.”

They all remember that up until this point Matt Peake had never had a hug.

They all spend the night again together, but this time Adam and Sean end up in bed with Matt- hugging him all through the night.

Matt comes to the boys, a few days later, during lunch- with a solemn expression. He sees them start to panic a little so when he speaks, he addresses it to Joel,

“I never wanted you to think, I didn’t want you. I wanted you very much. But…” Matt lets out a sigh and waves a hand tiredly, “You know. M’a little broken.”

And in a much softer voice adds, “Didn’t think you’d want me.”

And Matt won’t look at him, but he knows when Joel remembers what he’s talking about by the little ‘oh’. Matt is determined to stare at the floor, and anywhere away from their faces.

“Matt…” For once it seems as if Joel has no idea what to say but does what Joel does best:

Offer physical contact.

Matt sees the hand come into his view and tug him forward by the arm, and- oh- Matt could really get used to this surprise hugging thing.

“We want you, Matt. Trust me. We do.” And Joel is petting the back of his head, and Goddamn Matt could totally get used to this surprise hugging thing.

Matt tells them about everything a few weeks later, over dinner at Lawrences. They all listen, only stopping to interrupt when it was obvious Matt was getting distraught.

“I didn’t put ‘monster’ there.” He’s crying again but he needs them to know that, “Some kids from my high school...They, pushed me down and did it. That wasn’t me.”

“Okay, sweetie. It’s okay. We believe you.” He ends up being curled between Elyse and Lawrence, mumbling out various words of comfort to him.

They move to Roosterteeth, and he follows of course. Matt would follow them where-ever they go.

Matt’s dad dies the next fall, and he kind of hates himself for not caring- but he spends the night curled on the couch watching movies with the people he was told he didn’t deserve and the guilt disappears.

[[The next time he finds bruises of handprints on his body- he smiles as he see’s the versions he has on himself.]]

#shiphaus #ot8 #my fic #polyhaus #peake centered

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