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grapejuicestyless · 1 month

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Linger Like A Tattoo Kiss

JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Summery: After running away from a long term relationship to chase after a summer fling, JJ is left with the pieces of what once was. He can try to get it back, but at the end of the day JJ always fucks up.(Inspired by the folklore love triangle and Normal People.)

“I really hated you for a while.”

Crickets fill the void of silence, a puff of smoke dancing from the old pot beside her, a cigarette squished out in her wilting daffodils. Her hands fist at the hems of her sweater, pulling it impossibly closer to her body, stretching out the stitching and crossing her arms to keep it in place.

“I saw a girl walk by hand in hand with this boy. He had lipstick all over his face, and I felt bad for the girl, I really did, and I had no reason to. They seemed happy enough to have each other, no wandering eyes or anything like that. I guess they just reminded me of us y’know? With the kissing and all that. Figured if we were once like that, who’s to say he won’t go and hurt her too? It’s a real cruel thing to assume, I suppose. To think love is damned just because it was for us.”

“Don’t say that.” She says it so casually that I almost miss the tears in her eyes she blinks at rapidly.

“Well we were.” She laughs bitterly.

“You always did have a wandering eye. Thought it was just people watching because I thought I knew you. It’s probably for the best that I don’t, you and your reckless thinking but you know, strangers don’t kiss like that. Almost makes me feel bad for you that in our entire life together I knew nothing about you, but then I remember what you did and I feel better for it.”

She looks up from her feet which have been crossed underneath her this whole time, shoulders pressed against the old doorframe of her even older house.

“So why are you here, JJ?” She finally asks, cardigan falling from under her arms and her fists pulling down her jean pockets.

“Why’d you answer?”

Nodding slowly, she thinks about it, smiling to herself before scooting over the threshold and swinging the door by its rusting handle.

My hand spreads flat against the chipped yellow paint, an old mark left behind from where the mail box used to be before people stopped sending letters and the metal rusted right off of the wood.

“P-please! Please, Y/n/n.”

Looking at her watching me, I see that she doesn’t hate me like she said she did, not anymore. But she doesn’t love me and I can see that too. It’s like I’m nonexistent to her, neither good nor bad.

“I know I hurt you, believe me I do. I just need you to hear me now so I can explain myself.”

“I’ll never love you again, if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t expect you to. I just hope you’ll hear me and understand that I still do.” The screen door that separated the wooden one and the humid outdoors shook the whole frame of the house when it slammed shut again, her bare feet padding across the splintering wood to lead me away from her front steps.

“I haven’t seen you in months, JJ. You had all summer to make me see you and you wait until August is over? Did you enjoy spending July a bachelor too much or did you forget about me when you were six shots deep at the boneyard?” She tries to spin her anger like it’s a joke, but when she turns her head I can still see the twitching of her bottom lip. She pulls the soft flesh between her teeth to keep it still.

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” She laughs.

“You were right.” I smile back at her, but it’s strained.

“Would it be wrong of me to blame it on my father?” I ask only half serious, hands stuffed in my front pockets and feet dragging in the dirt next to hers.

“I don’t think it would be wrong. Manipulative, maybe, but not wrong.”

“Well it’s true.” She scoffs, rolling her eyes away from me.

“You don’t believe me?” I ask, eyebrows furrowed.

“I think it can be half true. Maybe, if what you claim is the reason, your father did influence you to do what you did, but he did not make you do it. You did.”

Looking at her, though she sounded like she was smiling, I find that she was not. She even looked distant, detached from the conversation and uninterested at best.

“I don’t need to tell you how he gets, but I owe it to you to explain it to you now.” She stops just short of the old hammock strung from a big oak tree and a weaker dead one. It reminds me of the one back at the chateau, only more well loved and faded than John B’s.

“You don’t owe me shit.” She acts tough but she doesn’t move either and it tells me that she really does want to listen. At least part of her, anyway.

“Usually I don’t believe the shit he says. He’s a bitter drunk, he won’t even remember what he was thinking in an hour. But when he brought up your name, I don’t know, I couldn’t not buy it a little bit.” I scratch my arm and she says nothing.

“I mean, what would he know about young love? Abusive fuck with an absent wife, no love in his bitter old heart for his only blood but damn it beats when he’s beating on me. Guess I saw myself in him, to be honest. I’m always angry, and I’ve gotten better at hiding it but I’m furious just the same. I’m afraid I’ll inherit more than his temper, I’m already halfway to being knee deep in my own shit.”

She rolls her lips between her teeth, breathing out calmly.

“I don’t feel bad for you, JJ. I wish I did, I really do, but I just can’t. You’re a nice boy, you have decent morals and a good group of friends. It’s evident in you, no matter where you get it from. You are a bad person, I won’t lie to you and tell you, you aren’t because you are. Maybe I do feel bad for you then, but not because of what you’ve done but because you’re just now realizing it.”

“Y/n/n.”

“Look, you told me to listen and I have. You told me your half but I don’t owe you any of mine. You broke it, you don’t get the privilege of fixing it.”

When she turns on her heals I can see the dirt caked onto the bottom of her feet and I can feel it too. The same feeling of running wild when you’re still so young and naive to the real world and all its issues. I can feel the dirt between my own toes even if it’s not there.

“I won’t stop trying, you know.” I call out flatly.

“I already told you, I’ll never love you again JJ. I meant it.” She sighs heavily, spinning to walk backwards.

“I don’t need you to love me, I just need you to like me again. And I won’t stop it until we laugh like we used to.”

She doesn’t talk, but I catch her smile. It looks like shes not with the way her face scrunches in the fading sunlight but her lips are too upturned for her to not be.

“You came back.”

“I told you I would.” I smile with half my teeth, a toothpick dangling from my bottom lip and a new cut caked in dried blood evening it out on the top half.

“You were never one to keep your promises.” She talks from the windowsill by the kitchen. I can see her knees just under her chest and her socks scrunched up. She’s got her bottom on the counter and some baby carrots between her fingers drenched in ranch. Crunching away at them and double dipping.

“Maybe all this heartbreak has you losing your mind. I never broke any promises, I can promise you that Y/n/n.”

“You promised to always love me.” My confidence falters, she’s got a winning smirk and her knees beneath her now. Her elbows sit on the wooden frame and her head leans over the window to talk to me more clearly.

“Who said I stopped?”

I had her, I could see it in her eyes that I had her.

Y/n was never the strongest willed person I knew, but she had dignity and lots of loyalty that made her tough to crack. Even then, years of friendship built as a foundation for a long term relationship and a steady heartbeat in her chest made it hard to stop contact all together, even if she knew it was for the best. Which is why I knew I could crack her eventually, just not this quickly.

“Well,” she sighs, throwing her legs off of the counter to rinse her dishes in the sink. Her shorts are wet on the hems from the pooling water she sat on and her shirt is faded from the sun and the quick dry cycle on her dryer, “I guess I’m the one who couldn’t keep that promise then.”

“You don’t love me?”

“J,” she breathes heavy through her nose, “I loved you for so long, even before you knew. God, I think if you weren’t so blind you could have seen it too. You might as well have hung the stars and the moon for me. I loved so hard for so long. What we had, JJ, what we have done. We’ve done so much good for one another.” She sighs, hopping back up into her previous spot and leaning in just a little closer so she can rest her head on the windows frame. Her leg dangles outside of the house and her arms wrap around the knee of the other tightly. She looks smaller like this and I can see the darkness in her eyes clearer now.

“What if I never move on?”

The question lingers in the air like the cigarette smoke that danced in the sky last night.

“I can’t make you feel something you don’t. I guess that’s the scary part. I can keep reminding you of what you did and you’ll never quit, will you?”

I shake my head.

“You know I love you.” My elbows rest against the wooden plank underneath the bend of her knee. If I lean too close my thumb would brush against her skin and she’d surely run.

“And I know it’s hypocritical for me to say when all is done is done, but there is no girl, no person that will ever make me feel the same way as I do for you.”

It falls silent between us and I can see now that her sad smile has turned into a frown, like some guilt has started to eat at her when she has nothing to feel sorry for.

“I’ll stay.” I hum softly, a quiet promise just between us, “And I’ll never leave again. You don’t have to love me like you once did, but I do think you make me a better person.”

“And if I go?” She mumbles back, eyebrows relaxing into her sunken face and slouched posture. She looks tired, a whirlwind of a spring leading into the fall taking all her old charm from her aching bones.

“Then I’ll follow you. Wherever you go, I’ll be there and we’ll be okay.”

She looks at me unsure, unbelieving and she’s smart for it. There’s not a thing I’ve proven to her that shows her I’m reliable, not a bone in my body has the ability to be that for her all the time. But I’d like to be if she’d let me again. And I would fuck it up this time.

“It’s over now, anyway. I guess it’s a stupid question to have asked when there no point to it. Guess I just wanted to know the answer. Make me feel better.”

That was the thing about Y/n, she always spoke her mind full and true no matter what. She doesn’t need to tell me why she’s said something but she always does. Even if she hasn’t done anything like she’s done now. When we were dating I thought it was because she could never stop talking, but looking back on it I guess she was never really loud. Only at parties and when she was scared. She rambles when she’s nervous I’ve realized, and I think it’s funny because it also means she can’t lie because either way the truth will come out.

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t be.”

Silence fills the space between us again, her body fidgeting at how close we’ve gotten, breaking her unwritten rule of keeping me at an arms length.

I can see her fingertips searching for her old lighter and her pack of cigarettes. She was never really a smoker, only doing what everyone else had done but I assumed she had picked up the habit while I was away. It made me sad in a sense, not because they were being used, but because she had always been that girl in middle school who would keep them away from all of us. Weed? Sure! But she was smarter than me and most of the other kids who were broke and just wanted some relief, so I guess my heart just hurts seeing how she doesn’t really care anymore.

“Do you want one?” I shake my head no.

“Since when do you smoke?”

“Since when do you care?” The paper is between her lips, balancing on the sticky pink lipgloss she’s coated on her lips.

I shrug, looking at her manicured hands, delicate and smooth cupping around the end where the flame lights just below the end of the cigarette to keep the wind from blowing it out.

“Just didn’t read you as someone who would.” She laughs.

“Yeah, I was kind of stuck up when we were younger, huh?”

“I don’t think thats the right word.” She looks at me, taking the stick away from her mouth and tipping her head back to blow the smoke out.

“What word would you use then?” She smiles down at her hand, rubbing her wrists down her legs and her cheek against her knees.

“Careful, probably.”

She sticks out her tongue, groaning and sitting back against the window frame.

“Might as well call me boring then, right? Can see why you would want to run away with someone so much more…exciting.” She rolls her eyes playfully, lifting the cigarette back to her lips.

“How many more times are you going to say it?” My fingers wrap around the stick, lifting it to my own lips and covering the mark her own had made before putting it out against the back of my hand.

“Me saying it less won’t make it any less true.”

Maybe a smart ass would be the right word to call her. Heartbreak be damned, she was always quick on her tongue only now she had motivation to shoot for the kill.

“Have a nice night, JJ.” Her legs swing over to the cool counter tops where she scoots herself down and back onto the floor. I can see she’s wearing a baby blue bra when she bends over to shut the window, not that I was looking, and she smiles unenthusiastically until she’s turned the corner out of my sight.

“You’d think after a month of this you’d be bored.” She laughs, mittens covering her fingers and a soft cardigan over her heavy sweatshirt. Her nose is numbing from the cold and the grass is crunching underneath the winter frost.

“I could never be bored of you, Y/n/n.”

She opens her mouth to speak, but bites her tongue with a gentle smile. Her cheeks glow and her eyes avoid looking into mine. The plants by her feet are long gone, only weeds that have frozen left behind among the cigarette stubs from all of our small talk by her windows and on her porch. Even with the constant sweeping, we’ve both picked up on the habit and we burn through them each meeting.

“Well, I’m not so sure about that.” She laughs more to herself than to me, hands crossed under her arms and shoulder pressed against the door.

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know, I suppose I’m just not all that interesting of a person. Not much about me that makes me special.”

Theres a bitter windchill that weaves its way between us and a relentless shiver that travels up my spine and down to my fingertips.

“Well I think you’re plenty interesting.” I smile proudly, almost foolishly at her and wait for her reaction.

She only hums with a puff through her nose and nods, and when her eyes flicker back up to mine they seem a little bit more focused in on me than before.

“I think you’re very pretty too, by the way.”

She laughs again, holding her index under her nose and crinkling her eyes.

“Don’t.” She braces herself further into the doorway and lulls her head back for a moment before coming back.

“Well it’s true!”

“I would hope so, I mean we were together for, how long?”

I fake offense that she doesn’t have the days counted down like I do. Years to months to days to hours to seconds, I have it all calculated in my head.

“You’re relentless, do you know that JJ?”

“I’ve been told a few times, yes.” It’s my turn to laugh, shifting from the heals of my feet to the balls of my toes. I shove my hands deep into my pockets and pray she doesn’t see the blue of my lips and send me home.

It goes quiet for a brief moment, our breathing pausing in our throats and the cold air releasing foggy puffs through the parts of our lips. It doesn’t get as cold as it would up in New England here, but the frost still nips away at the thin skin I’ve grown and bites at the tips of my fingers and the bottoms of my toes.

“How’s Pope doing?” Her breathing has gone heavy again.

I know she’s specifically asked for Pope because he’s the only one who truly saw my faults. John B and Sarah far too woven into their own web of unfaithfulness and Kiara too unbothered to care. Pope was always the most sensible out of us, so when I came home after nearly half a decade unfazed and claiming to have ended things without solid grounds to stand on, he let me have it. In his dad’s truck, specifically.

Driving downtown to the rich side of the island with bags of groceries slung over each shoulder and the bumps in the road shaking the plastic outrageously loud. I told him first, and part of me knew he would see my mistakes and call them out, but I hadn’t and I didn’t want to. I’d never seen him so mad, threatening to pull over if I didn’t make things right.

You can’t force a person to love someone forever, and you can’t force a person to change their behavior if they can’t see it’s broken. Pope couldn’t have done anything to make me go back. If I had, I would have faced her teary eyes and sad smile telling me that she was alright as long as I was well. She believed me when I said we were better for it, and sometimes I wished that I had picked a girl who could fight.

“He’s well. His dad too, actually. Started making deliveries to the far side of the island to make more money. By this time next year hopefully he’ll be on his way to college.”

“Well, he always was the smart one.”

She smiles underneath her mitten clad hand, looking at her feet.

“We all got lucky, you know? Having someone like him around. It’ll be weird without him around so often anymore.” My thumbs press harder into the bottoms of my pockets to savor the warmth radiating from my thighs.

“I like Pope, he always was my favorite.”

I nod, smiling into the silence again.

“Is he still your best friend, then?” She asks plainly, not really looking for much of an answer.

“No.”

She cocks her head, leaning all of her weight into the wooden door frame.

“Why’s that then? Has John B finally made you lose your mind?”

She never really did like John B. He was loyal and she respected him for it, but he was just like me. He was good but he wasn’t a good person.

“No.” I answer again, trying to hide my growing smile, “You are.”

“That’s funny.”

“It wasn’t a joke.”

She laughs through her nose.

“Yeah well, we barely talk so, I don’t think I can be your best friend.”

“Well you are.”

“Well then thats sad.” She looks at me sympathetically, sticking out her bottom lip in a pout.

“I don’t get to do this with anyone else.”

“Do what?”

“This.” I motion with my hands. “Just sit and talk, even if it’s only for a moment. I guess I just feel better around you, I can’t explain it.”

She’s nodding her head thoughtfully at my words, pulling her mittens off and holding them in one hand carefully.

“JJ.”

I hum, looking up from where I’ve began to stare a hole into my boots.

“You should come in.”

“Okay.”

It’s been too long since I’ve smelled the warmth of the inside of her home. Soft vanilla mixed with the citrus and salt that can only be found in places surrounded by ocean. Yet, I can’t find this smell in any other place. Her perfume lingers beneath the surface of the smell but I can’t quite recall the name of it anymore. It drives me crazy when everything smells like her and I go mad wondering why I would have chased after another girl when I already had her.

“Sorry for the mess.” Her house is small, maybe just a bit smaller than mine but it’s nicer than mine.

She kicks a blanket that has fallen off of the arm of her plush couch into the corner, and I pick it up.

“No, it’s perfect.”

She laughs, opening the door to her room and situating herself underneath her worn in white bed sheets. I hesitate, unsure if she’s welcoming me in with her, though I wouldn’t mind just laying on the floor. She has this soft carpet by the side of her bed that would be comfortable enough for a short time. But to my surprise she does open the bedsheets, scooting over and letting me sit underneath the thick layers.

“I still don’t forgive you, by the way.” She mumbles as I climb in beside her, crossing her arms to prove something.

“I don’t expect you to.” I smile at her, and I catch her vaguely smiling back.

Sitting waist pressed to waist, the heavy comforter weighed down by her stack of blankets piled on top shifts into a tent as she crosses her legs. She pulls it up to her chest so she can hold it under her arms and I wonder how she’s not hot even in the winter chill. I can feel my own sweat sticking to my skin underneath my clothes. Her lighter flickers beside me, a ball of smoke tumbling past her lips before she passes it to me. She lights another for herself.

I laugh at a thought I have, but it comes out stiffed with the paper caught in my mouth.

“I bet you’d pretend not to know me if we bumped into each other.”

The smoke from the blunt I dangled between my fingers disperses into the air leaving a faint smell of weed behind in its wake. I can feel it on my teeth too when I smile.

She doesn’t say anything, staring at me with a gentle smile and serious eyes. Her watchful expression makes me realize how depressing my words were and how true they could be. I swallow, looking down at where the blankets have pooled in my lap.

“Sorry.”

“I would never pretend to not know you, JJ.” She looks at me honest.

“I don’t deserve that.” I confess to no one in particular. I just say it out loud as it comes to my mind and let the reality behind it sink in like a knife to the heart.

“You did bad things.” She swallows, “But you still stuck around after. You promised to make it right and you are. I guess what you’ve done doesn’t seem so bad to me now, even if it is, is what I’m trying to say. Compared to most people, you were actually pretty nice to me.” She smiles sadly and all I want to do is to wrap her in my arms and press soft kisses along the top of her head, but it’s no longer my place to do that and I’ve made it so.

“I wish it were different.”

“How?” She looks at me pitifully, water collecting on her lower lashes. I’m not sure where she’s put the burning paper, if it died between her manicured fingers or if she rubbed it out on one of the books beside her bed, but it’s no longer in her hands when her arms fall heavy against her duvet in defeat.

“I wish we never dated, at least not so soon.” It’s my turn to swallow now. “We would have been better for it. If we had grown up a little first.”

She shakes her head, looking back down at her covered lap.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“I think we’d grow, but not by much. Growth doesn’t fully change a person and by facing adulthood I don’t think it would have made us end any differently. At the end of the day I’ll still turn to my cigarettes and you’ll still be drunk in the boneyard talking to some pretty tourist.”

“Well I like to think so.”

“And I think you’re naive for it.”

By now the smoke has dwindled down to fog around the room and the old blunt has died out between my index and my thumb.

“I would have done it differently.”

She hums, tell me more, it says.

“I would have bought you flowers. Not only on the special days but just because I love you. Wouldn’t need a reason to show it to you and I wouldn’t be stupid enough to run away from you either.”

I could list everything I could have done better for her endlessly but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s been done.

“We’re still so young, it’s hard to know where things start to go wrong.” She tries to reason, and our eyes avoid the others wearily.

Neither of us talk, listening to the whistling wind banging on the large windows and feeling the faint chill seeping through the walls.

“I don’t drink anymore.” She looks at me.

“Good for you.”

“I do stupid things when I get drunk, I get sloppy I suppose. Talk to people I shouldn’t, hate the wrong people and make everyone feel bad. I don’t really like that feeling. I don’t like being a bad person.” I confess, looking at her and remembering how she��s confirmed my deepest fears without knowing.

“You can be intense but eventually you mellow out and you’re okay again.” She shrugs.

“I know, and I know everybody knows I don’t mean it but if I can prevent it I will.”

She nods again, eyebrows furrowing and her teeth catching her bottom lip. She looks to me with a serious expression.

“What about you. Would you love me if you met me now?” She asks.

“I’ll always love you.”

“But if you didn’t know me, if you didn’t love me. If I was just some girl you’d seen on the beach or in town. Would you be able to love me then?”

“Eventually, yes.” I admit. “I like to think that in some fucked up way you were made for me.”

She smiles at that, picking at her nails shyly.

“Yeah?” She looks up at me with shy eyes.

“Yeah.”

The grass under my feet is soggy, but the warm sun beating down on our shoulders slowly dries it and the dripping leaves above us too. It wasn’t a long winter, but it never really is here. Spring had rolled around just a few months ago with endless showers and relentless sunshine following behind it. Pollen dances in the air in a heavy dusting and the bees have begun picking out the prettiest flowers and the early summer air hangs humid around us.

“You disappeared for a while.” Her hands fold underneath her elbows. She’s swapped out her heavy cardigans for graphic baby tees and faded jeans. Her hair is lighter now than it was in the winter, and she has more freckles on her face.

“It’s only been a few weeks.” She looks at me and I swear I can’t read her so I clear my throat.

“I picked up some shifts with Pope. Trying to save up some money so I can finally do something with myself I guess. You know, I was never really the smartest with my money.” She laughs.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be annoying. Just…missed you is all.” She smiles up at me with a look I haven’t seen in some time.

“You could never be annoying.”

“It’s funny because I was over here thinking that you probably hate me. It’s kind of pathetic because you weren’t really gone for long, but you’re really the only person who still talks to me.”

She leans back against the old wood of her house, her face finding shade underneath the small overhang of her porch.

“I never hated you. I could never hate you. I think you’re really awesome.” I confess and it makes me feel a rush when I say it.

Y/n swallows hard and I can see her smile falter when she looks back up.

“Well…I like you.”

“I like you too.”

She smiles at me and I can’t tell if it’s the birth of exclusivity or friendship blossoming between us.

“I wish I could read your mind.” She mumbles out, stepping closer.

“Why?”

“You’re confusing.”

“Well, I don’t think I am. Maybe you’re confusing yourself.”

“No, it’s definitely you.” She smiles.

“I saw Kiara last week, while you were away. I thought about asking about you but then I figured it might have been weird because it wasn’t really my business. But then I noticed she was wearing my old shirt. I knew it was mine because I used to leave it at your house when we would fall asleep before I could crawl out the window. I never took it back and she was wearing it.” She breathed through her nose, “I guess I was just confused why you kept it. I mean, we agreed that we were better for it, you were so convinced that if we saw other people we would be so much happier. You saw another girl all summer, so I guess it just confused me why you wouldn’t have tossed it.”

“Maybe I wanted an excuse to see you again.”

“See, you’re confusing.”

“I don’t get your point.”

She huffs, hanging her shoulders and rolling her eyes.

“Someone who falls in love with someone else doesn’t keep their ex girlfriend’s shirt, they don’t worry about the next time they’ll run into each other.”

“Maybe I was just being a good friend.” I shrug, smiling as I stuff my hands into my pockets.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what!” I throw my arms up playfully and I can see how hard she’s fighting against a smile.

“Well were you? Being a good friend, that is?”

I shrug.

“Maybe, I’m not sure. I mean, I guess I never really thought about throwing it out because I was so used to you being there. You never said you wanted it back so, I never asked you. It’s funny too because when Kiara found it, she told me the same thing. She said it was stupid of me to keep something that wasn’t mine and took it. But I guess she didn’t have the heart to give it back to you either.” I find myself rambling.

“What if I wanted it back now?”

“Well do you?”

She shakes her head and all of our words seem to die on our tongues.

“She never stayed the night, by the way.”

“What?”

“The girl, the one I saw this summer.”

“Oh.” I see her cringing at the mere mention of the girl, Amanda, I think was her name but the whole summer was a drunken blur and the only times I ever saw her was after I was six shots deep and in need of a distraction.

After a five day bender and the hard reality of sobriety I came to my senses, she was nothing more than sex. Still, explaining that to Y/n wouldn’t have helped my case. It would have only made both of us feel bad. I left her for another girl who I didn’t even really like and nobody knew why.

“I don’t think it’s important, but I thought you’d want to know.”

“I’m not mad anymore, about her.”

“Well are you still hurt?” She looks at me through her lashes, index fingers picking at the skin around her thumbs.

“Sorry, stupid question.”

“It doesn’t hurt as much anymore.”

“But I still hurt you?”

“JJ.” She sighs, hands finding their way around her stomach.

“I still feel like kicking myself every time I think about it. You were always so good to me, you are. You let me into your house and you give me all these chances even after I fucked it all up. I don’t know why I did it, and I hate myself for it everyday.”

It goes silent for what feels like the millionth time today.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” She looks at me carefully, fingers pulling at the fabric around her waist like it’s suffocating her.

“I don’t expect you to say anything.”

She nods, “Okay.”

“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”

Theres a pause, and her eyes move back like she’s thinking really hard for her answer.

“I already have.”

Her words don’t give me the clarity I hoped they would. In fact, they make me feel worse. Even after I hurt her, left her alone for something not even half as good. I played two girls in the span of three months and I paid little to no consequences. She let me show her how sorry I was when she shouldn’t have and now all I can picture is her sorry face when I told her it was over for the first time.

“Do you think I’m naive for it?” She asks quietly.

“For forgiving me?”

“No.” She shakes her head. “For falling in love with you again.” I don’t know how to answer her when she consistently leaves me speechless.

“I don’t know.” I look her, hoping to find an answer. “How do you feel about it?”

“I don’t know, thats my issue. I can look back on something and think I know what I felt at the time but, I don’t know. When it’s actually happening, I guess I have no idea how I feel or how to think.”

“Then how do you know you love me?”

“I don’t know. I never have a clue. I guess I just feel different around you than most people. But it’s not as obvious as other people make it sound, it’s the little things.” She confesses.

“I can tell you how I feel, if that would help.”

“Okay.” She nods.

I take a second to gather what I have to say in an effort to avoid some sort of word vomit from spewing out, but it’s to no avail.

“I thought you were shy when I first met you. Normally for me, I wouldn’t stick around for long because even with talkative people I find myself annoying. I hate the sound of my voice after some time. I figured I’d grow tired of my own voice quickly with you.”

Y/n looks at me, trying to figure me out.

“But you’re really not all that shy, you’re just careful. You think before you speak and maybe that’s why you don’t do a lot of it. Because you know what and when to say things and what sounds bad before you say it. You never know how you feel, but you know what you think and I think thats twice as important. Our conversations were different because of that. I could talk for hours and because I was talking to you I never focused on the sound of my voice or how tired I was of hearing it, I only thought of you. I guess that’s the scary part of it all, falling in love, that is. You don’t know you’ve done it until you try to think of something else and you realize you haven’t even tried to think of anything else without everything leading back to that one person.”

“That’s kind of scary to think about.” She laughs half heartedly.

“Because it is. That’s the fucked up thing about it all, nobody tells you that falling in love is more of developing an obsession to another person. It’s wanting to be around them all the time and praying every second you’re away from them that they’ll come around again soon. It’s the inability to let go after you swore to yourself you were done and it’s why I keep coming back to you.”

Theres a pause. I don’t realize how red my face has gotten until I stop talking.

“I think we’re probably just sick.” She smiles with her teeth, pushing my shoulder back to walk past me. We’ve left her front lawn so many times before. I’ve chased her across her lawn and rolled with her in the weeds, but I’ve grown so used to the faint glowing of her front porch lights and the flickering of the fairy lights strung across the door that it always catches me off guard when she moves away from the doorway.

“I think you’re probably right.”

“Then maybe we shouldn’t be together, then. Maybe you were right. We were better for it.”

“Well, I don’t think that’s true.”

“How could you not? You said it so you must believe in it.”

Shes playing with me and she knows it. Even though Y/n claims she’s hurting less and less the more we open up, I can tell theres still a wound bleeding somewhere deep, someplace within her that likes to see me frantic.

“Maybe I did then, but I don’t now.”

“Why?”

“Well, then you were just my girlfriend.”

“And I’m your ex now, so I guess it’s probably worse.”

It’s my turn to laugh now.

“No. I think it’s different now because I’m not only in love with you, but I love you.” I feel like I’m seven again, running around the blacktop and chasing around Y/n and tugging her by her pigtails. I feel like I’ve just confessed my school crush to her and it’s thrilling but horrifying all at once.

“Do you love me enough to be honest with me?” She smiles wider.

“I love you enough to do just about anything for you.”

“Did you ever see me in her?”

Somehow every time it gets good I am reminded of my past. It’s my karma. I’ve hurt her so it only makes sense for her to want to know everything before I earn her heart again.

“All the time.”

For the first time in forever, she steps closer, her hands resting on my waist gently and her breathing shallow against my neck.

“How?” Our noses practically touch when I look down at her.

“She was quiet, careful. She was never as smart as you but if I was drunk enough I could have made up anything. You guys would have been best friends, I’m convinced, if it were a different lifetime. Same jokes, same hobbies. The only difference was her heart.”

I find my hands threading themselves between the stray hairs by her neck, and I can see how her eyes relax the closer I inch towards her.

“You were much softer than she was, and I realized then that I only really ever wanted her because she reminded me so much of you. And it’s weird because I already had you.”

For a second I think she’s going to kiss me, and for a second I know she thinks so too. But her hands slip away from mine and her head ducks beneath my hands to unthread them from her hair to get away. She’s clearing her throat and mumbling soft apologies as she makes her way back up to the porch.

I feel angry, and I know it’s not my right to. I had her and I lost her through my own actions. I have no one else to blame. Yet, I find myself feeling vulnerable in a way I’ve never felt it before. It makes me feel sick knowing how close we got to fixing things and how quickly it was stripped away. I feel useless, and I figure it must be how Y/n felt when I left her and told her it was for the best.

“So that’s it then? What, we just tell each other we love each other and we pretend it never happened?”

“JJ, please.”

I can tell shes tired, conflicted over her own actions, but I can’t wait any longer to figure it out.

“I know it’s my fault but I’m trying to fix it, fix us! I miss you, more than anything and I can’t talk to anyone like I talk to you. I don’t know what else to say, Y/n. I love you, I love you so much it drives me crazy and I fucking miss what we had.”

She doesn’t say anything.

“JJ, I told you when you first came around. You knew this. I won’t fight for us, I can’t do that again.”

“So then why do you let me stick around?”

“Someone ought to hold you to your words. If you’re going to stay, then stay but I won’t fight for you if you leave.”

“Well I wish you would.” I can feel myself growing angry. I wish I didn’t get that from my father, his temper. I wish I was more like Y/n, more level headed and calm. But I was born angry and I am because I remember the way I ended things and I remember how quickly she accepted it.

“You lost that privilege when you left me for her.”

“Don’t throw that at me, we both know you couldn’t even argue with me then!”

“How could I, JJ? You’d made up your mind, why should I stick around if you’ve gotten eyes for someone else?” Her throat is scratchy, she doesn’t even have to look at me for me to know she’s trying not to cry. I want to beg her not to, because I know I won’t be able to withstand her wet doe eyes, but I’ve done it to myself.

“You know that’s not what happened, I told you what happened!” I feel the way we’re both growing tired. We get good and we fall apart.

“If you want to talk, we can talk but I can’t give you what you want. I can’t fight for someone who’s not even mine.”

“So then you want to see other people?”

“I never said that.”

“Well you implied it.”

She doesn’t say anything, shoulders shaking over the old railings of her porch. Her breathing is heavy but she doesn’t speak.

“So I guess if you want to see other people, then we should see other people.”

“Do what you want JJ, but just don’t come back here.”

She doesn’t mean it, we both know she doesn’t. She told me months ago she would never love me again, and though she has grown to find room in her heart for me, she’ll never let me see her vulnerable again.

I can feel the dirt coating my socks as it kicks up behind me. I’m not walking fast, but it feels like it with how dizzy I’m getting. Her door shuts with a slam and I swear I can hear a faint cry echo through her kitchen. But I’ll never know because I was too careless to try and knock.

It’s a different girl every time, but they’re all the same. John B gave me shit for it last summer when it first ended. I claimed to be chasing something better but they were all just different versions of the same girl.

There was always something off, the hair, the smile, the laugh. But if I drank enough and squinted hard enough I could almost see Y/n again and it would help convince myself that I was fine with her absence.

I find the fog of the early summer bonfires to be suffocating now, even with the solo cup in my hand and consistent pats on my back from classmates and old friends. I’ve flirted with half the island by now, I’m sure of it, and I probably look a mess but the tourist in front of me doesn’t seem to mind.

She looks like my Y/n too, they both like the same music. I wonder if I’ll accidentally call her the wrong name later tonight.

I told Y/n I stopped drinking, but I never promised it to her. So I suppose that’s how I ended up back where I started, trying to drown out my own issues with a warm beverage and a random girl.

I haven’t really been listening to what she has to say, I can only wonder what Y/n would think about her and if she would approve. It makes me feel sick knowing how many people I hurt in the process of healing, and I wonder if you can even consider it healing at this point.

“JJ!” A soft voice breaks through a loud crowd, dashing through the center of a bonfire to find me hanging back along the outskirts.

The girl in front of me shoots both of us a dirty look and walks away without saying a word.

“Y/n?” My vision is blurry and I wonder if it’s really her or if I’ve drank far too much.

“You’re drunk.”

“What?” The cup in my hand finds its way into the hot sand and over the intense stench of alcohol I can smell the welcoming scent of her perfume.

“Do you take me as a joke?” Her eyes are watering, shaky fingers wrapped around my wrists. I can see the faint flickering of the bonfire illuminating the side of her face. She looks so pretty like this, so tired.

“What the fuck are you on about, Y/n?”

“I let you into my home, into my bed; my bed!” She restlessly pokes her finger into her chest, clammy hands gripping onto my skin harder than ever.

“Well I didn’t make you!”

“You didn’t make it easy either!” She shoots daggers in my direction, stray looks from passersby’s tell us to quiet down.

“Yeah whatever.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She all but begs.

“You could have any boyfriend you want, you know. Boy’s are consistently falling in love with you, from what I’ve heard.” I slur, my right foot falling in front of my left and still Y/n holds me in place.

“Stop that, stop it now JJ I don’t like it.” She pleads through her gritted teeth.

“Right.” I roll my eyes.

“You don’t hate me. You told me so when I asked you, you even told me you liked me so stop being mean.”

“Maybe I’m just immune to you.” I try and joke through foggy memories and a sloppy smile, “Because I knew you before, in school when you still wore pigtails.”

“Right, when I was ugly and pathetic? You obviously don’t know me now JJ if you’re acting this way.” I ignore her insults, I couldn’t even process them if I tried.

“No, you were never ugly or pathetic.”

She looked at me, confused, not sure where this fight is leading us and unsure if we’d ever bounce back from it. Even sober our conversation is unclear, weaving between different topics and creating sore spots that’ll surely kill us soon.

“I know I’d be a shit boyfriend if I were yours. I’d rather anyone else, even the guys on figure eight who spit on me when I walk by.”

“JJ, you’re drunk, let me take you home, we can figure it all out soon.” My hands rip themselves from her grip, stumbling back into the sand.

“Why do you care so much JJ? Let me take you home, we can talk in the morning.”

“Because I’m selfish and even though I know you’d be happier without me I can’t even stand the thought of you being happy with anyone else but me.” Looking at my feet, I feel the tears falling from my eyes onto my feet buried in the sand. “Y/n I need to know if you love me or not.”

Neither of us can speak, and it feels like everyone around us can’t seem to find the words to explain out situation either.

“JJ.” She pleads softly.

“I probably should have mentioned this before, but I was seeing someone.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t.”

Y/n doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t even breathe, and the quiet is so loud that I can’t help the drunken rambling that leaves my mouth. “That girl, I can’t remember her name now, but the one I had last summer, I saw her up until the fall. I asked her out too. Should have mentioned that before but then again, I feel like you hardly ever let me in anymore so.” I shrug, and because of the way my eyes so heavily avoided her’s I almost missed the way she looked at me like I was poison.

“I called her by your name, that’s why she said no.”

The world seems to fall quiet around us, stray smoke from the nearby fire weaving between us and sticking in our hair and on our clothes.

“Why are you telling me this? Is it because you’re trying to be such a good friend, is that it, JJ?”

“No—yes, I don’t know, I just needed to tell you.”

Her sniffles are deafening, I feel sicker than before hearing her fighting her tears.

“Oh god, oh my god!” Her hands cover her face, pulling down until her hands clasp tightly over her quivering mouth.

“I’m sorry, I want to fix things, I thought if I told you, you would like me better!” I try to rationalize but she only shakes her head.

“I thought it would be different, you know? I really did believe you when you said we were better for it, having taken a break to grow and learn. But I’m just as naive as I was when I was yours and I’m just as stupid for taking you back!” She spits it like venom, still backing away.

“You said it yourself, I’m not a good person.”

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t believe you could be one.”

It’s quiet again between us, and her touch on my skin lingers like a tattooed kiss, her words replaying in my mind.

Y/n believed we could work it out, but she was smarter than I was and more careful too. She knew better than to chase after something that was never meant to work out.

“I do love you, I really do. What we had, what we have done. We’ve done so much good for one another.”

“No, no.” I try to follow her, but my feet fail me. I fan barely walk straight, let alone chase her.

“You know I love you, Y/n, you have to. I’m never going to feel the same way I feel for you for anybody else.”

She looks at me and it tells me everything I need to know.

I can promise her all my love and all my heart but it’ll never make us right, not ever again.

When she leaves, it’s quietly, the frame of her body losing its color in the darkness of the early summer night. It reminds me a lot of how this all started, and I feel sick.

I could stay as long as I wanted, but the truth was my devotion did not matter anymore, because she was always destined to go.

#jj maybank x y/n #jj mayback imagine #jj maybank fluff #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank x you #jjmaybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #jjmaybankangst

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vialovesyou · 2 days

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𝙛𝙞𝙭 𝙞𝙩 𝘿𝙍𝙀𝙒 𝙎𝙏𝘼𝙍𝙆𝙀𝙔

" i said i'm sorry, what the hell are we still fighting for ? " drew yelled, his arm outstretches to show his frustration. y/n scoffed, shaking her head in annoyance. " because that doesn't fix it drew!" she retaliated.

" because i'm the one who looks fucking stupid for staying with you!" she continued, running her hands through her hair in frustration. since the pair were yelling, socks, there dog, began inevitably barking.

" shut up, socks " they both yelled at the same time, causing an silence to take over the kitchen. the dog whimpered, before leaving the kitchen causing y/n to sigh.

" look, y/n. there's nothing i can do " drew shrugged his shoulders, his jaw ticking as he looked down at the redhead.

" you're the one that screwed this up, not me" she reminded him, kissing her teeth as drew scratched the back of his neck.

" i have apologised, what else do you want? just drop it, okay? please " drew asked, as y/n exhaled to keep herself calm.

" drew, what don't you understand? this is my life okay? i'm the one getting called an idiot for staying with the man who has been caught multiple times flirting with his co-star" she yelled, struggling to get the words out because she was so frustrated.

" i'm the one who can't post on fucking instagram without everyone on the fucking planet commenting on my relationship. okay? everyome at work, uni. it's all they fucking talk about" she tried to explain, her voice beginning to break.

drew didn't say anything, not daring to meet her eyes as he picked up his car keys from the dish on the counter. " i'm going to go stay with austin and rudy for a bit" his adams apple bobbed in his throat. y/n stayed silent, spinning on her heel and walking out the livingroom.

#outerbanks #drew starkey fluff #rafe cameron angst #drew starkey angst #obx #rafe cameron #drewstarkey #rafe cameron fluff #rafe cameron smut #jjmaybankangst

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vialovesyou · 2 days

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𝗳𝗲𝘄 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗗𝗥𝗘𝗪 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗥𝗞𝗘𝗬

driving to drew's apartment this late was never ideal, especially since y/n was tired after a long shift having have had to stay longer to help a student land her jumps, which was incredibly hard since the student had two left feet. y/n’s head could have used some advil, and she would have been perfectly happy to stay home and sleep for twelve hours.

but when rudy called her, groaning and saying your boyfriend is wasted and won't shut up about you and you need to come pull him him to bed, she went. it was as simple as that, partially because drew was stubborn when sober and only got worse as the night went on (code for he won't listen to anyone but her )and partly because y/n got a sweet kick out of his clinginess and extra loving.

when y/n finally knocked on the apartment door, the sound of austin sighing finally as he swung open the door doesn't surprise nor offend her. madelyn and madison scurried over, welcoming her with hugs and jokes about how sorry they were that they had to call her while chase and rudy tend to the drunken blonde.

" it's alright " y/n reassured. " i don't mind "

the tv was on playing a re-run off star wars, as beer cans and empty solo cups littered the table. pink floyds's dark side of the moon played from a speaker nearby as monica approached. drew was reclined back on the ground, an arm thrown over his eyes while his other tapped along to the song. monica crouched down next to him and could hear him humming the tune.

jd stood behind y/n, feeling a little helpless " he's been talking about you nonstop since he got, like, three shots deep "

" and as much as we love you guys together " madelyn added, leaning into chase's side. " he doesn't listen very well once he gets started "

y/n shot them a smile over her shoulder before speaking. " it's okay, i get it. you guys can go if you want, this might take a while " y/n hummed, causing everyone to bid there farewells before they left since they were exhausted. madelyn, madison, chase and jd all left to their respected apartments while austin and rudy went into their rooms as monica turned her attention back to the troublesome boy. " drew? time for bed "

" i told you to fuck off, madelyn. i just want to see my girl " he grumbles without moving an inch causing y/n’s heart to flutter at the nickname. " your girl? " she questioned, a teasing smile on her face.

" yeah, you know the beautiful one?"

" might ring a bell " she muttured, shifting so her legs were crossed in a basket beside him. " yeah, well, she's the most.... the most beautiful person in the history of... of forever. so get outta here and go flirt with chase or somethin' " he lazily waved her odd, mumbling something she didn't quite hear.

a smile fought it's way onto y/n’s face as she gently placed her hand on the smooth pane of his shoulder. " oh, but i wanted to flirt with you instead. how's that sound, hm? "

drew quickly pushed her touch away, seemingly still not recognising his own girlfriend. " it sounds like my girl is gonna come for you any second now, so watch it blondie. she might be small but fuck me she can be scary " drew slurred his words as he spoke, pulling a laugh from y/n’s lips. she gently took his wrist in her hand to remove his arm from his eyes and pressed a kiss where her fingertips touched him. his eyes stayed closed, as he jutted his chin in the opposite direction in protest.

" drew, baby, i'm not killing anyone any time soon " she spoke, leaning over his chest while running a hand through his hair. he opened one eye, suspicious of her claims but quickly realised it was her , and turned to look at y/n like he'll never get the chance to do it again, his expression swallowed by a smile. " when did you get here, darlin' " he asked, smooching kisses against the girls face causing her to scrunch her nose up.

" oh, just now " she answered, laughter lacing her words. " rudy called me over " she pressed a kiss to his forehead before sitting back up, her hand quickly engulfed by his.

" you should've come sooner " his other hand made it's way to her thigh, smoothing over her skin. " i was waiting for you by myself, and - " he abruptly sat up- " there's something i have to tell you " he whispered, casting a glance to his bedroom door. " it's top secret "

with him this close, y/n could smell the vodka on his breath. " yeah? what is it? " she asked, looping her arms around his neck as he pulled her onto his lap causing her to straddle him. her fingernails scratched at the nape of his neck, to which he instinctively responded by wrapping his arms around her waist and rubbing the palms of his hand along her back.

" this is top secret, classified information, sweetheart. you can't just get it for free. everything comes with a price !" he grinned slyly, tugging her closer. knowing drew, she already knew where this was headed but played along anyway " name it, then. i'm sure we can strike a deal somehow " y/n fed into him.

he mulled over his words before speaking " hear me out "

" i'm listening " y/n reassured, shifting her hips so she could sit more comfortably. " you " he pointed at her chest. " give me three -no, five kisses for the info up front" when y/n raised her eyebrows in suspicion, he continued. " and every follow up question is worth another kiss "

#outerbanks #drew starkey fluff #rafe cameron angst #drew starkey angst #obx #rafe cameron #drewstarkey #rafe cameron fluff #rafe cameron smut #jjmaybankangst

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grapejuicestyless · 3 months

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Could You Imagine That?

JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Summery: You failed. The gold, the cross, the fame, the fortune. But really, who cared? Not when you had the best gift of all. Inspired by the song: Forever by Noah Kahan

We listen to Pope and Kiara argue about who knows how to build a fire better, throwing logs into a heap by a pile of rocks and lining stones in a circle in the sand. John B and Cleo make beds for everyone to sleep on and Sarah works on some sort of spear for us. Yet, JJ and I haven’t even given a second thought of how long we just might be here for.

Maybe a few more hours, a couple days or years. In the end, did it really matter? We’d been just fine so far and we’d swear the feeling of freedom was worth it no matter how starved we became or how cold the nights were. We’d screamed about Poguelandia hundreds or times already, calling out the name of this great island and hoisting the flag we’d painted with rocks and the mud packed beneath them. Our hands pruning from the salt water and our shorts left on the edge of the shore line while we ran around in our underwear, splashing around like little kids and laughing like old friends should.

“We’re broke!” We laughed, finding the fact that we failed more funny than anything. Because had we really failed if we got a greater gift than what being filthy rich could give us?

“But real rich in our heads!” JJ would scream back, chasing me down along the edge of the ocean. And when the waves slowed my strides he lifted me from my waist with his tanned arms, not minding how our wet bodies stuck together like glue and our clothes would surely stink like ocean for as long as we’d be here.

“Won’t be alone for the rest of our lives!” I laughed in his hold, and his grip restricted my lungs but I would take the ache that came with it over any other feeling in the world. Because even after he loosens his grip, he never really lets me go and I am reminded of how he’s always within arms reach. Ready to make me smile, make me laugh. And it’s worth more than anything money could buy.

“Can you guys help us?” Kiara calls out desperately, but even she can’t hide the smile on her face, how much she loves the idea of it just being her and the Pogues all together and safe for just a small moment in the grand timeline of adventure ahead. No parents, no threats, no blood or tears. Just the sun and sand beneath our feet. A good cooked fish roasting over the fire and beds woven with leaves under our heads.

“Come in the waters just fine!” JJ splashes, catching a glare from Pope as the salt water briefly tames the fire they just started. And when Kiara catches his line of vision, we don’t have to look back to know their broken laughter is because their stripping to join us in the sea. Ready to splash around carelessly like children do, like we do.

“Can you imagine being here, like this forever? No more window shopping or late rent!” I laugh, bearing all my teeth in my smile when Kiara wraps her arms over my shoulders and places a sloppy kiss to my cheek.

“Won’t be alone for the rest of our lives!” She repeats my words back to me, eyes shining with the glow of the sunset that casts a warm hue over her sunburnt cheeks.

“Poguelandia forever, baby!” JJ’s arms pull Kiara away from me, and like glue, I’m stuck to him with nothing more to offer than the sweetest smile and the world shining in my eyes. I feel more alive than ever and theres not an ounce of gold that could replace it.

“Oh my god!” Cleo laughs at the scene in front of her, dry wood under her arm and a soft blush in her cheek from the sun. We’re all drenched in salt or sweat but we can’t help but feel absolutely okay with it.

You could fly over head at that very moment, on the search for miserable teens in need of help and you wouldn’t even look twice. The way everyone laughed like brothers and sisters and cherished what the world gave them, you’d think we were on some vacation. Like we hadn’t washed up here by accident.

Broken bones and aching muscles worth every moment that led us to this island and this life.

Looking back at JJ, I see the stars in his eyes and the world under his feet. It’s all we’ve ever wanted. A simple life by the ocean with all the people we love. So, we might be broke, we might be hungry and by god we might smell but by god are we richer than most.

“Poguelandia forever.” JJ whispers only for my ears to hear, forehead pressing against mine and his eyes observing the crinkles by my eyes. His thumbs lift from my hips to rub against my cheeks. Then he kisses me, kisses me in a way I hadn’t felt since before death looked at us in the eyes and grief was all we knew. Like we both knew finally that it would all work out and we would be okay.

When we pull away, we share the same hazy look we had plastered on our cheeks before and his hands plant themselves firmly on my hips once again. Squeezing the skin between his fingers playfully and drowning out the world around us.

“Could you imagine that.”

#jj maybank x you #jj mayback imagine #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank #jjmaybankangst #jj maybank fluff #p4l #jj maybank x pogue!reader #poguelandia #the pogues #pogue!reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x routledge!reader

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grapejuicestyless · 11 months

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Masterlist <33

My Favorites: ⭐️

HARRY STYLES:

Short Writings:

Love Me Until I Stop Breathing?

Sunflower! Sunflower!

People Pleaser pt.2

I Don’t Need Your Closure.

I Just Want To Be Loved-pt.2

Unforgettable

What Was I Made For?

Just Because!

Every Road Leads Back To You.

You’re The Winner-pt.2

Mona Lisa

What A Waste

I’ll Crawl Home To Her

Pomegranates

Bad People

Our Last Dance ⭐️

But I’m Kind Of Green

Good Luck, Babe!

So Long, London

Song Blurbs:

You Are In Love

Night Shift

Sick Of The Chase

CONRAD FISHER:

Short Writings:

Can You See Right Through Me?

Kalopsia

Just Because You Cannot Have Her.

Don’t Be A Stranger. ⭐️

Mad Woman.

Back To You.

You’re Everything To Me.

Peace.

Burnout.

Don’t Go.

I’ll Love You, Forever.

Fix You.

The Tide Always Goes Out

Song Blurbs:

Two People

My Love, Mine All Mine.

Sad, Beautiful, Tragic.

I Know You.

Big Black Car ⭐️

JJ MAYBANK:

Short writings:

Could You Imagine That?

Tiny Moves

Orange Juice

In My DNA

Linger Like A Tattoo Kiss ⭐️

Song Blurbs:

The Last Time

#harry styles x reader #jjmaybankangst #harry styles fluff #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles imagine #conrad fisher #conrad fisher angst #conrad x reader

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vialovesyou · 2 months

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𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗿𝘆 𝗰𝗹𝘂𝗯 𝗥𝗔𝗙𝗘 𝗖𝗔𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗢𝗡

" what's up, y/n/n" grinned barry, kissing his teeth as the girl came into the beatdown trailer. a white sundress clung to her hips as the brunette pushed her perfectly curled hair over her shoulder looking up at barry through her long lashes.

" darlin’, this is country club " barry introduced, barely lifting a finger as he gestured to a blonde man sitting across from him. the blonde's head snapped up, his biceps tensing through his polo shirt as y/n scoffed lightly.

" rafe cameron, never thought i'd see the day " she spoke, a laugh falling from her plump lips. y/n had met rafe once or twice since her best friend kyla was dating some guy who y/n didn't bother to learn the name of that happened to be friends with rafe.

" y/n" rafe greeted, nodding his head towards the girl who opened the bag which rested on her shoulders and dropped a wad off cash infront of barry, the bracelets which hung from her wrist jingling as she did so .

truth be told, rafe had never seen y/n sober. he wasn't all too surprised, the girl was known for her party girl ways. it was the typical good girl gone bad scenario, one he had seen play out one too many times.

" i need 20g's for the party kyla's throwing tonight " y/n told him, closing the clasp on her purse as she looked down at barry boredly. " still doin' luke's dirty work, are ya' sweetheart?" barry asked, scratching his stubble causing y/n to roll her eyes at the mention of her ex boyfriend.

" i'd rather shove a nail file up my nose " she hummed, her sweet tone unchanged despite her bitter words. " two grand good enough ? " she asked gesturing to the stack of cash which now lay among the empty plastic baggies and beer bottles.

" anything for my favourite customer " barry smirked, pushing off the ratty sofa to retrieve the stuff leaving y/n and rafe.

" you do coke? " he asked, his voice raspy while he glanced up at y/n. the girl pouted her lips, sitting down across from rafe causing the dress to inch up her thigh even higher as she crossed her legs over.

" it's not for me " she answered simply, brown eyes boring into rafe's.

" so who's it for? " he shot back, causing the girl to pull a face at his tone. she had never spoke to him more than twice, so why did he care so much. " what's it to you? " she replied, leaning forward causing the dress to slip revealing more of her cleavage.

rafe glanced down at her chest, before looking away his jaw ticking in annoyance just as barry came back with a bundle of small plastic baggies. " this good, y/n/n? " he asked, handing it to the girl who held it up, cocking her head to the side before she placed them into her bag.

" pleasure doing business with you " she smiled, spinning on her heel revealing the white ribbon tying the top half of her hair together and walking over to the door. " oh and rafe " she spoke softly, causing him to look over at her. " you should come by tonight"

#outerbanks #drew starkey fluff #rafe cameron angst #drew starkey angst #rafe cameron #drewstarkey #rafe cameron fluff #rafe cameron smut #jjmaybankangst #obx

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grapejuicestyless · 2 months

Text

Orange Juice

JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Summery: High school sweethearts, the picture perfect pair whose story crumbled as quickly as it started. All because of a reckless boy and his addictive nature and an emotional girl and her growing tiredness.(warning: Mentions of addiction(alcohol).)

“I need you!” He pleads, words broken and grass stuck to his knees as he stands from his spot on the ground where he lay face down, passed out in the front yard of the chateau once again.

He held her hands in his, pulling at her fingers until her knuckles seemed to stretch at his sheer force and determination to keep her put in place, to keep her with him.

“If that was true you would have stopped!” Her voice was shaky, tears burning into her cheeks and her throat constricting with each choked up breath. Still, she couldn’t look at him in the eyes, the same deep blue eyes that held her youth and captured her heart with nothing more than the twinkle of innocence and play.

She knew if she were to look back she would try to keep fighting it, and as much as she longed to always be there to help, it was obvious her help was nothing more than something that delayed his progress. JJ was his father’s son, whether they admitted it or not. No, he never laid a hand on Y/n’s skin, but when he drank his words shot to kill. He carried the same fire in his soul and a pent up rage that seethed through the cracks in his teeth each time he held a solo cup in his palms.

No amount of comfort or persuasion would stop the boy from sending himself six feet in the ground. He had drank them both dry and Y/n hated to admit that she had lost the fight, she had to throw in the towel. He wouldn’t get better until she was gone, and she knew it, even if he refused to admit that he needed to let the harsh slap of reality to beat him senseless for him to find his feet.

“You know it’s not that simple, baby! Please, tell me you know it, I’m trying, I really am. Please.” He cries, lips trembling all ugly as his nose runs and his cheeks become blotchy. He’s a mess, looks it and smells it too.

His boyish smell of sweet cedar and the sandy beaches covered with vanilla are masked with the stench of whatever he pours into his cup and day old cigarette smoke. His blonde hair isn’t messy in the cute way that he wore it when her hands would ruffle through each lock, but because he hasn’t made it to his bed in days, choosing to pass out somewhere from the front lawn to the living room if he ever makes it that far.

“Don’t bullshit me, Jay. You and me both know it, I’ve tried, and I’ve tried and we’ve wasted all that potential to get better and we’ve fought this before. We win the fight, but what about the war? What about me, the bed I sleep in and the pillow that doesn’t even smell like my fiancé anymore because he prefers to be face down passed out in our lawn!” Y/n rips her hand away from JJ’s like it’s poisonous, a bite that stings and slowly works its way into her blood.

Y/n’s not angry at him, her lover, her sweetheart fiancé. No, how could she ever be when even at his worst she can only ever see the good hidden deep inside of his abusive behaviors and dependence on all the wrong things.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come home for so long, so long JJ and you never come back anymore. You’re too far gone to even remember that theres a warm bed waiting for you.” She cries, eyes closing and head falling into the boy’s shoulder as she sobs out sentences aimlessly.

The worst part is that it’s his own fault. His whole life he tried so hard to finally break free of his family’s name, the bitter memories of his abusive father and absent mother leaving him with a motivation to be better than they ever could have been. Yet, here he is half drunk with the same smell stuck on his breath and some half-assed apology ready to spew out at his lover.

“I’ll get better, for you, I will. I’d do anything for you.” She pulls away, looking at him with big doe eyes and a scrunched up nose. He thinks he finally has a chance to change for a second, to fix all his wrongdoings until she shakes her head, looking down at her feet and stepping away from him.

“No, no. Jay, no.” Wiping her cheeks, Y/n seems to finally let go of the innocence that once masked all of his imperfections.

“Your heart has changed, your soul has changed and you aren’t the man I love anymore.” Watching how she fiddles with the ring on her finger breaks his heart, no it absolutely crushes it. Reality is a sour taste to be swallowed down and JJ just can’t seem to get it down now that it’s all right in front of him.

“And I’ll always love you, and if you ever need me I’ll still be here-“

“No, Y/n/n, no.” He tries to follow her, the ring in his palm burning a circle on his skin. A symbol of their eternal love that seemed to redefine what ‘forever’ really meant.

“But I can’t be the one you rely on anymore, it’s not healthy for you.” She tries to reason with him, but he doesn’t want to hear it, he only wants her to hold him again.

“I love you!” JJ tries to make her see it, how his blood only keeps pumping even when he should be dead by now because in his heart he knows he’ll feel her touch against his forehead in the hot summer mornings and her hips against his in the late afternoons that seemed to always slip away far too quickly.

“You’re not your father, Jay.” She reminds him, making JJ stop in his tracks where he debates whether or not to cry or laugh in relief or anger.

“So thats it?” He decides to be angry even if he really isn’t, even if it’s his own fault for driving the girl away. Even if they both recognize that she needs to go away for some time.

“You’re just going to go ahead and carry on? Leave me here alone like I don’t even matter? What, was I pulling you down? Was it just too much?” He spits it like fire at her heart and she tries not to take it too harshly. Y/n knows he gets mean when he’s tipsy, and the empty bottles hidden in the long grass tell her that he’s well beyond that point now.

“I need you to get better.” She begs quietly, looking down as she speed walks down the old dirt roads that lead to a better part of town. She feels naked without the ring adorned on her finger or the weight of her soul hanging over her shoulders.

Y/n swears she can hear his sobs from across town, the broken cries wondering where his lover went in the late afternoon and the even louder ones in the early morning once the fog clears and he comes to terms with his faults.

It’s all in her head, their friends remind her, and they send her photos of him in the mail to tell her how he’s getting better. But the polaroids become further and farther in between, and soon the eyes she swore she never wanted to leave her life became those of a strangers, a stranger who knew everything there was to know about her.

“I haven’t drank in six months, on the dot.” He leans over the kitchen table, indents from his rings and scratches from pen evident in the wood. His hair is just the same as it was when they first met, a blonde mop of waves that sit perfectly around his tanned face. Only now he doesn’t look so tired and he doesn’t smell so sour.

She can only smile at him, letting the crowd fill in around them and filter out through the door as time passes and the moon sets underneath the horizon. She still thinks about how light her finger feels without the handmade ring on her finger, the promise that was within the bent metal weighing more than any diamond any man could ever buy her.

“Can I get you a drink, to celebrate? Theres orange juice in the kitchen, bought it for our friends. It’s yours if you want it, just glad you could visit.” JJ doesn’t know about the piles of photos she keeps of him, the photos that she never had the heart to unpin in her room in the chateau. He’s acutely aware of the fact his friends had been sending the girl updates, he had even asked them to at some points, just so she wouldn’t carry so much worry and guilt as he put on her all those months ago.

“I’ve missed you.” He says it softly, hoping partly that the faint music and the dying chatter from the outside will drown out his confession of love for the girl in front of him, but the sad smile on her face tells him otherwise.

“Feel’s so empty here without you, like I’ve been waiting for you to come home.” He kicks the splintered wood, hands in his pockets and his eyes darting to the orange juice sat warming on the counter like it was placed there just for him. He knew it was, and he knew who did it too.

But Y/n started to cry before JJ could even begin to thank her for all she has done for him, for sacrificing everything just to see him get better.

Shes blubbering something about regretting how she just up and left him like that, how she keeps his memories with her and still wakes up smiling when she thinks of him in her sleep. But more importantly, she cries about how she doesn’t think that she can ever have him again.

Of course, it’s not her fault that she associates his condition with her. Each relapse happened in her company and each stage was only worsened by her staying. She had to leave for him to get better and now to her, it was evident it was for the best.

JJ knows she’s wrong, but how could she? It’s his own fault for what he’s done to her but it’s really not even his fault. Falling dependent on a substance that only ever caused harm was something he started to do for fun, he never intended to become addicted to it, to become mean. They were both just victims in an incredibly cruel situation.

“It’s like you said, Y/n/n, just like you said. My heart has changed, and my soul has changed, and this town has changed, and this world has changed!” He takes her hands in his, showering her his ring and offering a new beginning to their tangled love story.

“But I have not.” It’s so quiet when she says it, JJ almost misses it. She hesitates, flinching away from the ring and refusing to put it back on for the fear that the reoccurring nightmares she had conveniently left out of his condition would come true again.

“The last time you were drunk you were face down, passed out in our lawn.” She looks at him, closing his fingers around the ring and standing from the table.

“Theres orange juice in the kitchen, bought it for you. It’s yours if you want it, I’m just glad you could visit.” She admits softly, slipping past him as calm as she can keep herself, hoping that he can’t hear the way that her heart cracks with each inhale of air.

He whispers something about still loving her, and even though she never says it back, the fact that she’s just admitted to buying the drink specifically for him with the hopes of him showing up gives JJ hope, a hope that he secretly knows will only leave him more devastated in the long run, but one that keeps him going.

He pours himself a glass of the orange juice later that night, the crowd long gone and empty solo cups scattered along the lawn. The ring in his pocket weighs down his cargo shorts pockets and burns through the fabric to his skin, but deep down he knows that he’s changed, he’s been better.

Like she had told him the day it all came crashing down, he is not his father, so he will try and try until he can mend what he broke and the wound is nothing but a scar left behind to show his strength and resilience.

JJ prefers apple juice over orange juice, but as he takes a sip of the tangy liquid, he decides it tastes sweeter than usual, and he really likes orange juice better than any other drink.

#jj maybank x pogue!reader #jj maybank x routledge!reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj mayback imagine #jj maybank fluff #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank x you #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #jjmaybankangst #maybank

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grapejuicestyless · 2 months

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In My DNA

JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Summery: Y/n and JJ have been seeing each other for months, but when it all ends, JJ is left to deal with the consequences of his actions.

“Just because I don’t love you in the way you want me to, doesn’t mean I love you any less.” My heart pounded in my ears, the sound of crushing aluminum and dry grass crunching underneath my shoes as I followed her across the front lawn.

“JJ, stop.” She puts her hand behind her, trying to plead for me to stop following. Our chase makes a scene, even if we are alone in the open morning breeze. But the feeling of eyes looking at us makes me aware of the curious gazes of our nosy friends, with their palms pressed against the window to watch.

“No, no, I won’t stop until you tell me what I’ve done wrong!” I try to stay calm, her shaky voice already setting off my bubbling anger. I am an angry person, I have so much to be mad at the world for. Though I do not show it frequently, I find myself ticked off by the tiny things until it breaks the surface and the pent up frustration turns into bloodthirsty hate.

Y/n is a sensitive person, she has so much empathy that sometimes I worry she’ll end up destroying herself with it. She doesn’t cry often, but her mouth twitches and her eyes squint in ways that give away her emotions to any given situation, the way her lips tremble or her voice cracks gives her facade away. Shes a good person, a kind girl and a great friend. She’s far too good for me, and that’s something I’m still trying to accept. Those are just the card’s I was dealt, it’s the game I have to play.

She huffs, walking away further until the grass turns to dirt road overgrown with weeds and littered with pebbles that crunch underneath speeding tires.

“Y/n, stop!” My hand grabs her wrist, yanking her back to my body, the thump of my chest hitting her shoulder blades echoing between our bodies, leaving us breathless for a passing moment.

“What do you want from me, JJ?” She spins to look at me, really look at me. Her eyes are filled with something just short of hate and her mouth is wobbling like a child’s. She’s got this kicked puppy dog look about her that makes my heart ache, and I just can’t place why.

“I wanna talk!” I hope she can read the confusion on my face, because her sudden shortness with me after all of our peace together puzzles me. I’ve only now just realized I can’t exactly read her as well as she can read me.

“Then talk!” She shouts, pushing off of my chest but stepping forward again just so we can be nose to nose.

“Why are you so angry?”

“Why are you such a dick!” She pushes away again, spinning on her heals and rushing across the dirt path to where it becomes thick rock mixed with broken cement.

“Would you just stop!” I don’t mean to yell, not at anyone and especially not at her. I want to know why she’s so upset, not make her more worked up. I need to fix this, whatever this is.

“Sorry, sorry. I don’t mean to yell.” My calloused hands cup her arms, working her around until she faces me again. She doesn’t fight my touch, letting the warmth of my palms cover her upper arms and squeeze over the soft skin.

“Please, tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it. I can’t think of anything that I’ve done to make you so angry!” Leaning forward, I try to press my forehead to hers, to breathe in the sweet smell of her perfume, get a taste of the fleeting memory of her.

She’s the closest thing to heaven, god sent, my angel. I can’t even think why she would be mad at me, not when I haven’t done anything to her.

“That’s the problem, Jay. You haven’t done anything.” She cries out desperately, trying to make me understand what she’s saying. The look in her eyes tells me she feels betrayed but I just can’t place a finger on it, so she’ll explain it for me.

“I gave you everything I had to offer and you promised me it was enough, but you keep taking things from me and I have nothing left to give.”

Oh.

Y/n is my best friend, the sweetest girl on the cut. A mind beyond her years and a heart so full and feeling, it’s hard to not love her. But poor sweet Y/n, too innocent for the cruelty of the world came knocking on my window for help. Big eyes and swollen lips, too nervous to ask anyone else for help.

I tell her over the course of a few months that I’ll help her, teach her all she needs to know. I steal her firsts out of my own greed, take them at her own pace and promise it’ll always be enough. Until I take the final things from her and she has nothing left to give up. I have nothing else to gain, and neither does she.

But I guess when hooking up with someone as soft and sweet as Y/n, I forgot just how delicate things can get, how mean it can be to just leave them.

“You are enough, nothing will change that.” I can keep telling her this, but to her theres no convincing and in some ways she smart for it, for never being naive. How can you trust someone who just up and leaves when something good becomes something they depend on? She would never know how dependent I was on her, of course, because I would never tell her how long after the night was over, when she was asleep with her cheek pressed against my chest I would stay awake a little longer just so I could keep playing with her hair or admire her face. She wouldn’t know because I’d never tell her.

“You made me feel dirty.” She says it so quietly, but her voice shakes nonetheless. Pointing fingers into my chest and backing me out into the dusty path more and more, spilling tears silently and letting them turn the dust into mud.

“I gave you what you wanted!” I try to argue, but we both know my words are meaningless. We both knew what she wanted, what we wanted, but if I play dumb maybe she’ll be less hurt by it.

“No, I gave you what you wanted! You couldn’t give me mine even if the world depended on it!” She only says these things because I’ve hurt her. I recognize that her feelings are valid, that by spending my evenings dedicated to her and then up and leaving so suddenly I’ve left an impression of greed on her. I’ve taken what she could offer and left her with nothing.

“Just because I don’t love you in the way you want me to, doesn’t mean I love you any less.” I try to paint the words into her mind, let her know that I do love her, I always will, but I have to remind her who I am. Beyond the surface, I’m still a Maybank. The thought of having her and losing her just like my loved ones before me drives me crazy even just thinking about it, so I can’t let myself act on how I feel for her, because it would never be fair.

“And just because you love me doesn’t mean I feel loved by you.” When she leaves, it’s quietly, soft sniffles and heaving breaths fading into the morning sun. I feel the watchful eyes of our friends observing us like hawks, and the hateful eyes of the majority boring a hole into my head. If it wasn’t known before, it is now.

JJ Maybank, the pogue who broke the rules and paid the price for his selfishness. But really, who didn’t see this coming? It’s who I am, it’s in my DNA.

#jj maybank x pogue!reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank x routledge!reader #jj mayback imagine #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank x you #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jjmaybankangst #jjmaybank

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vialovesyou · 4 months

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𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗻𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗝𝗝 𝗠𝗔𝗬𝗕𝗔𝗡𝗞

" oh-oh my god" kelsey exhaled, holding y/n's hair back as she threw up into the toilet for the third time that night. kelsey glanced up at caitlyn who shrugged her shoulders." she can't go home like this" kelsey stated, rubbing the girls back.

it was halloween night, and mckay, a stupid rich kook,was throwing a huge party. his parents were out of town for the weekend and left with without a spending limit on his daddy's amex so the marble island in the kitchen was covered with alchohol.

jj and y/n had argued a few hours before, it started as something stupid but it turned into them both saying something they regret. y/n had showed up at mckay's with a strapless black bodycon dress, black stockings that had pink bows at the cut-off at her thigh and a fake gun in the holster. " mrs smith" mckay grinned, opening his arms for the brunette. mckay was dressed as hugh hefner, and y/n noticed his girlfriend, sienna, dressed up as a playboy bunny in another room.

mckay was one of the only decent kooks on the island, he was a nice person. his parents raised him like that. he was respectful, did well in school and never picked fights.

" where's mr smith?" mckay asked, walking to the kitchen with his hand on y/n's lower back. "that doesn't matter " smiled y/n, grinning at the array of bottles. " shots?"

that was how y/n ended up in this situation. she was able to talk at first, being semi illiterate before she passed out in the downstairs bathroom. mckay helped kelsey take her upstairs to his bedroom, before giving the two some privacy after bringing y/n some water and bread.

she was unable to talk at this stage, going in and out of conciousness to throw up as she layed on the bathroom floor with mckay's quilt on top of her to cover her dress which was pulled up far too high, her underwear on show.

" should we call jj?" caitlyn asked, reaching for y/n's phone that was on the counter top and quickly unlocking it. " yeah, i can't take her to my place like this. my mom's home" kelsey spoke, as y/n's head fell onto her lap.

kelsey began stroking the girls hair as caitlyn dialed jj's number.

" i don't know how you watch this shit" jj exhaled, uncrossing his arms from his chest as he glanced at sarah. john b had fell asleep long ago, his head on her shoulder as him and sarah watched some sappy rom-com. " why are you so grouchy?" asked sarah, a pout on her features.

jj had been in a bad mood since he stormed into the chateau, slamming the front door so hard that the full house shook. he had been snappy ever since. sarah knew that it was something to do with y/n since the only response she got when she asked what y/n was up too ,was a grumble under his breath.

his ringtone cut threw the air, cutting sarah off as a picture of jj and y/n flashed on the screen, her name across the top. sarah watched as jj cleared his throat, diverting his eyes back to the tv.

" aren't you going to answer that?" sarah questioned as the phone rung out. they were engulfed in silence once again, before it started ringing again. " jj" sarah urged, rolling her eyes as the boy silenced the call again.

y/n❤️

jj it's caity

can u come get y/n

she's really drunk

it's bad

we are at mckays

the adress is 57 whitehill lane

j 💌

i'm on my way

" i need to go" jj stated, standing up and picking up his shoes. " is everything okay?" sarah questioned, at the boys now frantic state but didn't get a reply as he slammed the door shut.

" yo, jj. my man, so glad you could make it " grinned mckay, dapping up jj as the blonde came into the kitchen.

" where's y/n " jj questioned, his face void of a smile. mckay nodded, understanding that jj was worried about his girlfriend.

" follow me" mckay spoke, beggining to walk up the spiral staircase with jj behind him. they walked down a ridiculously long hallway, before they stopped.

" she's in there" mckay spoke, gesturing to the door causing jj to nod. mckay began to walk away, but stopped when he heard jj speak. "mckay?" mckay nodded in response. " thanks"jj stated, smiling with his lips in a thin line at the boy.

" no problem, bro" mckay shouted, going back downstairs as jj opened the door. his eyes immediately went to the ensuite bathroom as he could see caity stood in the doorway.

" oh, jj " she sighed in relief, stepping to the side to allow jj to crouch down beside y/n.

" what happened?" jj questioned, lifting the girls head gently from kelsey's lap to his own allowing the girl to stand up.

" i don't know, she showed up and she was really upset. she started drinking, and crying. god, she was crying alot- what the fuck did you do to make her cry so much?" kelsey questioned, as jj stroked the girl's tear stained cheek as she was still asleep. " she came in here with blair, then i came in and blair was gone, and y/n was on the floor"

" shit" he muttured, guilt flooding his chest as the girl suddenly woke up. she turned her head to the toilet, coughing as she began to throw up. he wrapped his hand around her hair, pulling it into a make-shift ponytail.

kelsey kneeled down beside the couple, giving jj the plastic cup filled with water as y/n leaned back, falling into jj's chest. " hey, baby. drink this" jj spoke softly, using his thumb to lightly open the girls mouth. y/n blinked slowly, allowing jj to tilt the liquid into her mouth before she pulled away.

she blinked a couple of times, looking up to see it was jj. " hi, asshole" she slurred, accepting the bit of pizza caitlyn was handing her before taking a bite. jj laughed lightly. he was sat on the bathroom floor, his back against the wall beside the toilet with y/n between his legs. she leaned her head back onto his chest, taking another bite of the pizza having seemingly sobered up slightly.

she reached up and plucked the cap off his head, and put it on her own causing jj to reach down and push the front off the cap down blocking her eyesighr. " hey, want to fuck off?" y/n questioned, looking up at jj with her head still on his chest. he rolled his eyes, wrapping his arm loosely around the girls waist fiddling with the bows on her stockings.

#jjmaybank #jjmaybankfluff #jjmaybanksmut #jj mayback x reader #jjmaybankangst #outerbanks #obx

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grapejuicestyless · 1 year

Text

The Last Time

JJ Maybank x Fem!Reader

Summery: The Last time lyrics by Taylor Swift(Again) . It follows the song almost literally.

The rain was brutal. Like ice sliding across my warm skin. It was everywhere. My clothes stuck uncomfortably to my limbs and my hat was stuck in place against my forehead. Still, my feet forced themselves forward and my head couldn’t stop racing. I recognized the streets I was walking on better now, the dirt paths drenched until they were only mud and rock. My heart ached constantly but here I was, right where I always find myself, somehow.

I know it wasn’t fair to her. My angel sent from grace. But it was what we did. We went in circles. I run to her aid and she accepts my pleas. It was always the promised last times between us but we both knew secretly that it never would be. That I would be back and we wouldn’t speak of what happened much. She would berate me on my broken promise to never come back and I’d fake my sympathy.

The door swung open, the wind flicking the water off of my eyelashes in a cold bellow. My head hurt, my chest was impossibly tight and I was in an undoubtably large amount of pain. Hues of purple and yellow littering my collar bones, painful shades with no hints of pleasure within them. Too big to be love marks. My lip was busted and dry, my eye shinny and throbbing. I tapped my hand over my chest to make sure I was still alive and well.

“J?” Her voice was sweet like honey, dripping with worry and care like she always did. She was welcoming me in like she always did.

“Y/n…” I hadn’t spoken in hours, the words throaty and hard to get out. It hurt to move, it was a miracle I even made it here in time before everything gave out.

Her arms engulfed me in a warm hug, the dim lights of her small home filling my eye sight. It wasn’t as dark anymore, but it still felt more empty that usual.

“Come on.” Her hands led me to her bathroom, gently weaving me between her worn out couch and empty cans from the pogues last week. We made our way through the living room, John B’s name engraved into the wall and Kiara’s flip flop under the table. It must’ve been there for years, she’d grown since then. Those couldn’t have fit. I let my mind wander.

My feet hit the threshold to the bathroom that was much too nice for the rest of the house, She led me to my usual seat on the toilet, letting my legs spread enough for hers to situate comfortably between mine.

“Kooks.” I let out a breathy laugh. The air was thick and hot. No other words exchanged, not even a smile cracking on her intense gaze at my face.

“J.” She warned, patting cotton balls to the dried blood on my bottom lip.

My smile fell again into a blank stare ahead, too scared to look at her, I might cry.

“I know.” I mumbled, feeling heavy with grief. It truly felt like the last time this time. She didn’t care for me like past times anymore. In the beginning she was more that happy to hold me or joke with me after I’d something stupid but lately I felt like more than a chore to her than a friend.

“Why? Why do you do it then?” Her eyes steadied on mine, trapping my gaze on hers with a fierce intensity. I tried to lie, but I only could tell the truth.

“I just want to see you. I guess.” It slipped through the spaces of my clenched teeth, body tensing.

She thought on my words for a moment, her hands reaching up to cup my jaw tenderly.

“Then why don’t you?” I caught her lip quivering for a moment, her hands falling and crossing over her chest bitterly.

“What?” The words got lost in my throat, shocked at her harshness.

“If you want to see me so badly why don’t you JJ, huh? Why is it that you have time for everyone else but when it comes to me all you can spare is eleven at night after you’ve done something stupid! JJ I’m tired of it. This isn’t what friends do.” She stomped away, leaving me in the brightness of the bathroom.

It’s quiet again. Not even the sound of her feet shuffling is around to keep me company anymore. It’s just me and whatever I’m thinking of.

Her words ran on a loop. She was all I could think about, she consumed me. So why didn’t I see her more often? Maybe it was because I was scared. Because if I let myself go, I would never come back.

The rain is quieting down now and my legs don’t feel like jelly so much anymore. I’m steady and slow, fingers dancing across the wood I spot my name written in sharpie scribbled out on the doorframe right by the front door. It’s different now. I know it. It’s not as much as a circle if she’s done chasing me. It’s an unrequited game between us more than ever, and it truly feels like it could be the last time.

“I’m heading out, y/n.” My voice is soft and I know she hears me but she won’t say goodbye to me. So I leave.

Rain ran cold down his elbows, little droplets collecting on his eyelashes and dripping from his earlobes. His hair was stuck to his skin, tangling at the base of his neck. His red hat was maroon and his lip was bitten raw. He looked like a shell of the boy he was before.

“I’m sorry.” He sobbed, lips stuck between his chattering teeth. My hands felt his arms, more bloody than ever.

“I know it was the last time. I know, I didn’t mean to but I can’t make it to John B’s house, please.” His voice is pleading and honest, I almost move my feet back to let him in.

My heart hurts for him, seeing him this way.

“JJ..” My voice begs him to walk away but he’s quick to cut me off.

“No, I know, y/n! I know and I’m sorry. But this is the last time. I promise. Please.” He swallows, my hands resting weakly on his biceps.

“This will be the last time I’m asking you this. Put my name at the top of you list. This is the last time I’m asking you to go out of your way for me. Please.” My hands find their way to his cheeks, holding him like he might slip.

There’s no bad intent to this boys actions, he never meant to treat me so poorly but how was he supposed to learn?

“JJ, it’s okay.” It’s sweet, between us now. It’s nurturing as I take him into my arms and out of the weather. It’s just us swaying in my living room, floorboards collecting a puddle from the rain by his boots.

“No, no it’s not. You were right. I should’ve come to see you more. I was stupid and I hurt you and now look at us. You’re tired, I’m tired. This isn’t what friends do. You were right and I’m done acting like you never were.”

“JJ stop.” Im pleading with him to calm down. He’s unbalanced and shivering, his tears hot and his arms limp.

“I’m sorry y/n, I’m sorry.” He cries it like a prayer to me. It’s real and it’s hurting.

It’s circles and I know it. I was so close to letting go but his same apology every time keeps me here. How can someone leave the person they love so easily? How am I supposed to never look back when he’s always right in front of me.

“This is the last time.” I mumble more for myself than for him, but still he nods in some sort of understanding.

So I lead him to the bathroom, and I flick on the lights. It’s only then I really get to assess his damage. He’s bruised and bloodied. He’s shivering and wet. He doesn’t make some stupid joke about Kooks so maybe this time he’s not chasing me. Part of me believes he actually needed me.

“What happened J?” My voice is soft, hands working delicately on his broken skin.

He shrugs, shoulders slumped and his back aching.

“Was it the kooks again?” He shakes his head.

“J…” he looks to me, his hands woven tightly together.

“Was it…” I can’t get myself to ask but he knows, he always does. He nods.

I make sure to be extra careful, not leaving even when I’m done. I know he’s being honest. I know I said the last time but it’s never the last time. I lead him to my bedroom, something he hasn’t seen in weeks. Since the first last time.

I let him get cozy, ready to slip away to sleep on the couch or even the floor. He’s quick to grab my wrist.

His eyes plead for me to stay but he can’t get anything out. His lips are quivering too much, I doubt if he even tried anything would come out.

So I stay. I curl up right next to him, if it’s what he wants. I let him put his head on my chest and wrap his arms around my torso. He’s right there, I can feel his stomach pressing into mine. His uneven breaths tickle my ears, and I’ve never felt so alone.

“JJ.” I whimper, my eyes watering, I look up. He doesn’t move, lip catching between his teeth.

“This is the last time.” I almost beg him to listen. He knows I don’t have it in me to turn him away. He has to listen to me.

“I know.” He whispers, holding onto me a little bit tighter.

“I know.”

The night was over long after it started. My body was sticky, sweat gathered between our warm bodies and blush painting our cheeks from the humidity. It seemed like the storms of the outer banks had become our thing. It seemed I only needed her when I had an excuse that would force her to let me in. When it was raining too hard or if it was too dark for her to trust me to be safe.

So I came back the next time it rained. It wasn’t bad. Or, at least not as bad as the last time I’d paid her a visit. A few scratches from Rafe and his goons and a couple bruises from falling off of my bike earlier this week. I’d come from around Kiara’s area. She was much closer than the roads I walked on now, but I could never face her like I did with my y/n.

Rain poured down my back uncomfortably as I made my way to her steps, her smile and laugh tattooed into my brain and her anger and sad eyes cemented to my heart.

My fist barely made contact with the door. It had been only a week since our last, last time. As the last times got more serious, my visits became more frequent. Some days I would show up with barley a scratch just to sit around her legs and smell her perfume. Just so I could feel her touch dance across my skin in ways I wish could be permanent if I wasn’t so afraid of the final last time.

“Y/n?” I called out over the rain after a moment of no response.

I called out for her louder, knocking harder. A beat passed. Silence.

But then the door opened, just like all those times before. I wore my best apology, to make everything seem better.

Her eyes were tired and her lip was bleeding from her teeth biting it, no doubt. But the door was only cracked, her face squeezing between it.

“JJ.” She whimpered.

“I know, I know.” I repeated, stolen from the last time I’d begged her to let me in.

“J, stop. Stop saying you know. You don’t know. You never know.” She begged, voice cracking.

“I know.” I repeated even softer.

“JJ. I need you to leave. Please.” She breathed, my hand curling around the door, I tried to open it but her force was too great from my weak bones.

“Last time, baby. I promise.”

“No, don’t say that. Don’t say it’s the last time because we both know it’s never the last time. You’ll come back, that’s your way. You’ll come back to me and I’ll let you in because I’m a push over.” She couldn’t even look at me anymore as she spilled this all to me, which stung the worst.

“It was stupid of me to ever think we could have a last time, J. Knowing you. It was stupid of me to think that you wouldn’t drive me mad.” She wiped her tears, letting the door fall open slightly more.

She was wearing a left over shirt of mine, the dirt and blood cleaned off but my smell still lingering. I could tell from the way her nose had been tucked into it previously.

“Baby, I know. I know I’m a liar. I’m a cheat. I’m a thief. But I’ve never been so honest in this promise, if I’m hurting you, this will be our last time. Swear by my soul, baby.” My hands found her wrists, the door now completely open, her sock clad feet shuffling closer to the outside.

“I love you.” She cried, her tears causing the fall of my own.

“..w-what?” My grip loosened.

“I love you, so much, JJ. This can’t happen anymore. I can’t keep loving someone I can’t be sure I’ll ever see again.” Her hands raised, my arms bending as she moved. My grip remained soft on her wrists as she cupped my face.

“You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to feel the same way. You don’t have to say anything. I’d like to keep imagining you feel the same. I’d like to hold onto my daydream that you’ll visit me on a sunny weekday and ask me to hangout.” She said it like it was sick and twisted, but it wasn’t. That doesn’t mean it didn’t make me feel any less sick at the thought that I’d played the woman I love.

How could she not see how much I loved her?

“I love you too.” I breathed out, unsure if it was in my head or out loud.

She smiled, flinching away shortly after and looking down. She looked back up, serious again, sad again.

“So let me go.” I froze.

No, no, no, no.

“If you love me, stay true to your word and let me go, JJ. Turn around and pretend I don’t exist.” How could she ask me that? Forget about her like the earth didn’t spin around her and the sun didn’t shine a little brighter because of her.

“I can’t. I can’t forget about you. All I want is to be around you.” I begged, my hands finding her shoulders, she shrugged me off.

“Then don’t. You can live in your daydreams and I’ll live in mine. The last time, was the last time. And the time before that, and that. On and on. JJ, I can’t let you in my house anymore.”

I nodded, looking down, my hands playing with my shorts. I swallowed.

“If you truly want me, come find me during the day.”

She shut the door just like that and suddenly, I had more wounds open than I had thought. Suddenly I was more hurt than I ever could’ve been.

I know she’s not asking much from me, but I’ve always been a coward when it came to her. Too scared to do what she needed from me, what we both wanted.

But the last time is never really the last time, and the next time I come pounding on her door, it’ll be a few weeks from now. I’ll wear the same bruises I always do and cry the same way I always have. Only this time I won’t leave in the morning. I’ll hold her and I swear on everything that if she gives me a chance, I’ll take it.

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