Do Angels giggle?

Warning: Mentioned death of multiple people, a teeny tiny bit of angst, swearing, but otherwise you should be fine Word count: 4k (sis snapped again)(I should really stop doing this tbh) Summary: A rumor of an angel kidnapping criminals and leads them to a path of justice and Jason is on the suspects track. He hasn’t expected to be caught and he surely hasn’t expected what met him there...

This was requested by @middevil465​: 'Babe did you fall from heaven bc you seem to be a chaotic ever shifting sphere of eyes & wings making a sound not of this earth and I’m kind of hoping God sent you because this is terrifying' with jason x reader

Jason really didn't plan on this to happen. He didn't plan on getting caught while spying on the current suspect in a case of criminals disappearing only to re-appear with no memory of what happened and babbling of being lead to a better life by an angel. And he certainly didn't plan to end up in a warehouse that was decorated with a clearly religious altar and other things that heavily reminded him of the church. The only thing that wasn't church-y was the fact that he was tied to a - honestly not uncomfortable - chair in front of the altar. The worst fact was that he, too, couldn't remember how he ended up here. He had some flashes of memories, about how Bruce assigned him to the case, about how he found a man that all the criminals who found themselves 'victim' had met sometime before their disappearance and how he'd found and followed him before he blacked out.

And now he was here. He wasn't really afraid as much as he was concerned and curious about what was going to happen next. Bruce could easily track him as soon as he noticed he wasn't answering so there was also not much reason to try to escape before he knew what was going on here or if he was in any serious danger. Jason wasn't sure what to expect. Tortue, drugging, brainwashing? He knew the man must have some kind of secret weapon that made him able to re-write these criminals to his liking, but he wasn't quite sure why. Everyone in the cave had different theories. Bruce and Dick thought that he maybe got information about their 'businesses', deleted the memory and sold the info, Damian and (surprisingly enough) Tim thought that the criminals had been involved in something bigger, all of them involved somehow, and the person (or people) who hunted them down and changed their memories and life choices, were on a hunt for information. Steph and Cass had agreed that it was a cult or a conspiracy and Barbara had said that she wouldn't make any theories just yet, or rather not reveal hers. Jason had a more sinister thought though. He knew about the criminal world better than most others in his family, once having been a big part of it too, and he thought that whoever was able to do this, was slowly building an empire, first taking out smaller criminals, snitches and errand boys, maybe as to test their methods, before going for the big fish and re-writing them to take over their territory. It was honestly a good plan, but the fam wasn't really happy about it. Having an enemy that could delete and rewrite memories and demeanours could be a real threat. That was why Jason needed to find out how they did it. But he didn't see anything in the warehouse room that would implicate what they used for their plan, only all that church stuff, and Jason considered that it was probably something to harden the illusion that it was an angel who showed them the 'light'. 

"I've seen thou have been awakened, man in the blooded hood," a male voice echoed through the large space and bounced off the walls. The man he had followed stepped in front of him in a robe that reminded him of a monk. "It's crimson, bitch," Jason snarkily responded and couldn't help the smirk on his face, but it didn't seem to even slightly faze him. "Many have found the devil in their words in this city, but we, the church of hope and new ways, have made it our mission to bring thou, wrongdoers, to a path of justice and good, to a path of the angel." So Cass and Stephanie were right after all? A cult, really? "So that's all very noble and all, at least in theory, but ya know, I'm kinda on your side. With hunting and jailing criminals and all that jazz." "Thou words are full of sin that thou not even recognize, but don't fret, we will free you of them, free you of the devil within and bring you on a path of belief and light, we will bring thou to face with the angel that hath shown us the way too." Now that was next-level crazy, Jason thought and rolled his eyes under his still worn helmet. "Well, knock yourself out," he sighed and leaned back in the chair. Seemingly listening to Jason, the man disappeared through a door and suddenly all the lights in the room went out, leaving Jason in complete darkness, unable to turn on the night vision in his helmet. He heard another door on the other side opening and light steps echoed through the room, but whoever came in didn't make any other sounds but that. Then he was blinded by the brightest light he had most likely ever seen and what his eyes saw when the light simmered down a bit and he got used to the brightness made him freeze to the core. The words that left his mouth next were the result of habit more than thought, but he said them nonetheless: "Babe did you fall from heaven because you seem to be a chaotic ever-shifting sphere of eyes and wings making a sound not of this earth and I'm kind of hoping God sent you because this is terrifying." He wasn't wrong though. In front of him was, in fact, actually an ever-shifting sphere of eyes and wings that was making sounds that were clearly not human, neither anything that he had ever heard off-world and even though Jason was by no means religious, he had heard enough about how the angels in the bible were described to identify this thing in front of him as an angel. Suddenly the ever so brave, fearless and cocky Jason Todd stared at that being in front of him and his hidden face was drawn by fear and terror. He could deal with torture and pain, he could deal with technology and drugs, but he couldn't deal with whatever would be happening next. What would be happening next? Well, whatever it was that he expected, it sure as hell wasn't what happened. The sphere that he feared more than he had feared anything in the last years started to giggle. GIGGLE! Do Angel's even giggle? How would I ever know if angels giggle? The glow died down and the shifting intensified, the eyes were closing and drawing together, the wings merging too until there was only one pair left and the sphere turned into a different form, something longer and more humanly shaped, until it did a final change and turned into a girl. And what a girl she was. Jason's breath was stolen by her and the atmosphere surrounding her. She looked stunning in every sense of the word, from the Y/S/C skin that was basically glowing with angelic shine, her hair that was somehow looking like a halo even though it was nothing like one and her face that seemed to be sculptured by whoever created this hellhole called life themselves. And don't let him get started on the pair off wings that she was still sporting on her back. It was quite honestly gigantic. So big that its lowest part was reaching the floor and the highest part was still a few inches higher than her head. He could imagine that they would fill out the entire room if she was to stretch them out and the thought alone made him somewhat fuzzy in his head. He wished he could describe their colour, but he was sure that it was none of the ones he had ever seen on any planet, ever, he wasn't even sure if his eyes should be humanly able to comprehend the colour and yet there he sat looking at them. He was so impressed by these celestial limbs that he didn't even notice the fact that the girl was, in fact, completely naked. But even if he'd notice it, he wouldn't have seen her body as something sexual. The way she was moving like it was completely natural would more likely make him feel ridiculous for ever thinking of a naked body as something as intimate. And then her voice. Her voice was even more divine than anything else, making his whole body tense up and relax simultaneously. "You are full of darkness, but your darkness is unlike anything else they have shown me," she stated matter-of-factly and she came close to him, rounding him a few times with curiosity in her eyes, "And not just your insides are different than the ones they showed me, your head seems to have a sort of protective shell, how magnificent." Is she talking about my helmet? Does she think it is a part of me? "Uhm, Miss Angel, that isn't a part of my body, it's removable," he said, surprised that he was even  able to talk with his heart basically having stopped beating. Her eyes widened in child-like wonder and she kneeled down in front of him, her wings spreading out slightly beside her to accommodate the change in height. "Would it be okay if I were to take it off?" she asked in innocence that Jason has quite honestly never seen before. "Uhm, sure," Jason answered, completely having forgotten the whole reason that he was here in the first place.   Her delicate hands slowly found their way to were his helmet laid over his ears and she looked into the general direction of were his eyes were, her Y/E/C orbs seemingly shifting colour every time she moved even an inch. "I'll try to be careful," she hummed and started trying to get it off, changing her tactic ever so often when she noticed that it wasn't working, but instead of telling her what to do, Jason just looked at the angel and couldn't find any words. Finally, after about two minutes, she managed to pull it off and carefully laid it down beside the chair, before finally leading her gaze to his now, except for the domino mask, uncovered face. She didn't say anything, just bringing her hands up to his face and tracing it, including every scar, no matter how little, and every edge. Even though he had been in awe before, now he could almost comprehend why the criminals changed their ways, hell, at that moment he'd burn the city down without hesitation if she'd asked for it. Finally, her fingers wandered over the edges of his mask and when he gave her a small nod of consent, she somehow managed to peel it off and free his eyes for her to see. He didn't mind that she now knew what he looked like, that she could now identify him, but to be honest, he didn't think much about it, too caught up in that moment and that moment only. Their eyes met in a moment of complete silence whit the only sound present in Jason's head was the pounding of his heart and the rushing of his blood. "You are really unlike the others aren't you?" her voice broke that moment, but he somehow knew that he wasn't expected to answer. For a few heartbeats, the two off them stayed in place, before the angel ruffled her feathers, the sound echoing through the warehouse, like dozens of birds flying away. She raised back to her full size, her wings folding back to where they had originally been. "Tell me, why do my saviours want me to bring you to the light? I can see that it is already in you, it may be clouded and darkened, but it is there," she asked him and her hand was cupping his cheek in an act that seemed unnoticed by herself as if she was doing it unconsciously. Jason wasn't quite sure how to respond to that question, but he noticed something else in what she said, something that formed confusion in him. "Your saviours? Shouldn't it be the other way around?" "How do you mean that?" the angel asked with honest naive confusion written over her face as she cocked her head to the side and folded her hand in front of her bare stomach. "Well, uh, I'm no expert by any means, but you're an angel right?" She nodded but kept quiet as if that question didn't give her a clue as to what he meant. "Uhm... Angels are creatures sent by God and...uhm...they are over humans, right? So how is that guy and whoever he works with your saviour? Is he Jesus or something?" What she answered was something he didn't even remotely expect. "Who?" "Jesus? Your Boss's son? God sent messiah to free all humans? Allegedly forgave us for our sins and got killed for that?" Jason rambled and tried to count down everything he still remembered. The angle put her hand in front of her mouth in shock at his words. "That sounds horrible, is he okay?" she asked in a tone that made it pretty clear to Jason that she did, first of all, not know who Jesus was, and second, had no idea what killing actually meant. "Uhm, sure, he's great, somewhere up there with his dad, I guess," Jason just shrugged, not really caring about that topic anymore and more focusing on all the facts about her being an angel that didn't add up. "Can you tell me about yourself?" he just boldly asked her, but it didn't seem to phase her at all, in fact, she brightened up at the possibility to tell him about her. "Uhm, I can't tell you much, but I was saved by the church of hope and new ways when they found me after what they called a miracle, they took care of me and explained to me that I was sent to them to be their tool to re-shape the world," she explained with a somewhat proud undertone, but Jason's feeling got cemented. The feeling that she had actually no idea what was going on around her and what she was used to do, and the feeling that she may not really be the sort of angel he, and seemingly she, believed she was. "Re-shape the world?" he investigated further, a small voice muttering theories in the back of his head. "Mhm," she nodded and her right wing folded itself slightly in front of her as if she was nervous or shy, "They bring men who are filled with darkness and they have me look into them, look if they have light and make me watch their mind, then they have told me to bring them into the sun, I show them the way that they tell me is right, make them believe in the church." Her words were slightly wary and Jason could recognize the doubt in them. She wasn't doing this voluntarily... "Do you want to do that?" he asked to clarify things for himself, and maybe also her. Her eyes wandered to the door the mock-monk had disappeared in and Jason could have sworn he saw something like fear in them. "I- Uhm- Yes," she nodded, but couldn't look at the man in front of her, she had almost turned her whole body away from him. "I don't believe you." "Why?" her voice wasn't as childish and curious and innocent anymore, it was small and fragile. "I'm not sure, but I think they are lying to you, I think you aren't an angel. I mean, you're sure as hell no human, but you're not an angel, at least not one in the...uhm..traditional sense." This seemed to gain her attention in a way that had her turning around again and made her take a step towards him. "Do you really think so? Because... I have tried to tell them, but they said no to all my questions, they told me that I am the tool for the church, that that is my only task and that I would be lost without them, but I can see it in them too. The darkness, they tell me to turn into light, is in them too, but they don't let me change it, they tell me I must see something that isn't there... And not only that... I have memories, memories of the Miracle. I see flashes of other people, people that make my heartache, and flashes of a building, one that looked like this room here on the inside. "And then there are other flashes, flashes I have at nights when I'm resting, there are loud noises and heat is licking at my skin, at my back, at my whole body, and there are so many screams." She seemingly didn't find the connection between those memories, but Jason sure as hell did. It was mainly a theory at that point, but he believed that she had been at church with her family when it burned down, maybe there was magic involved or she had the meta-gen inside her, but while her family burned she must have turned into the angel she was now, losing most of her memory in the process. The people that must have found her and figured out of the great powers she had, had decided to use her for their own sinister plans and she was none the wiser, Jason couldn't know if she had always been that naive and innocent, but she was now and, even though he had only known her for a matter of maybe half an hour, she had grown on him if he was being honest. "Can you see into other people's heads? Can you read other people's memories too?" he asked, a small plan forming in his mind. She looked at him in thought, but she seemingly was somewhat intrigued. "I believe so, I have only done it one or two times." "Read my mind, read my memories," he almost commanded, but she was taken off for other reasons. "Why would you want me to do that? My saviours tell me that it isn't my place to do so..." "I know this is confusing and what you will see will shock you, but I hope you will be able to trust me after that, trust me to help you, get you out of here." The prospect of being away from her 'saviours' seemed to make her interested, but there was something else that she had to know beforehand. "Will you stay with me? Will you take me with you? I can't be alone, I don't know where to go, what to do, I can't- don't think that I can survive all alone," she looked away and he could see the fear and pain, of not knowing what the future would hold in her whole demeanour, and he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms, but the restraints that were still binding him to the chair were keeping him from doing so. "If you don't want to be, you won't be alone, I will take you with me, we will go through this together, okay?" "Okay," she smiled slightly and came to him, her hands hovering over the rope around his chest and, in a for Jason surprising turn of event, her palms started glowing and the rope basically disintegrated leaving him free to stand up, having to physically restrain himself from holding her. "This won't be happening to me too?" he asked gesturing to what was still left off the rope. And she giggled again. God, he had almost forgotten how heavenly that giggle was. "No, I don't think it will," she said in a tone as if she was honestly questioning her statement, but before he could say anything about it her hands found themselves on the sides of his temple and the last thing that echoed through the room before the angel fell unconscious in his arms was her scream.

When the angel woke up she felt utterly exhausted. She had seen everything that had ever happened in Jason's life, including his death and every time he had killed, and she had felt it like she was it who experienced it. It had literally drained her, but Jason was correct, as she woke up again, she trusted him with her life and more. She knew him now. Possibly better than anyone else in the world. And not only that, when her eyes opened he was the first thing she saw. She was laying in his lap, something that was astounding enough considering the giant wings that were spread out beside her and partly over Jason, and somewhere along her time of being in his memories he had taken off his brown leather jacket and had put it on her and zipped it up, keeping the, in normal standards, intimate parts of her body hidden from sight. What the angel couldn't see were the bodies of the people who had, in Jason's opinion, used you for the past few months that were stacked in the backroom and, if he was lucky, not dead. "Sorry you had to see this, but I wanted for you to be able to completely trust me," Jason whispered, his hands caressing through her hands. "It's okay, I understand," she hummed back and they both knew that she meant more than just the statement about him wanting her to trust him. "Can we leave now?" "Of course," he smiled and helped her up, having been made aware earlier when she passed out that her wings added more to her body weight than he had anticipated, but that was to expect, they were robust and spread out almost twice as big as Jason in width. The angel, who Jason really needed to find a name for, had the wing on the side opposite of where Jason stood beside her, drawn in, but the one that was on his side was spread out behind him like a shield, curling around him slightly, but he just smiled and slightly shook his head at that. He honestly really didn't know what it was about the girl, his angel, or the whole situation itself, but a really small part of him wanted to believe that maybe there was something like a bigger picture, maybe not necessarily a god, but something that had brought them together, something that had wanted to make him know that the two of them knowing each other was meant to be.

The 5 saddest NBA title defenses of the last 20 years

Dwyane Wade and Shaq had a lifeless title defense for the Miami Heat.

These are the NBA title defenses that never got off the ground floor.

At the onset of Mike Prada’s incredible and emotionally wrought plan to crown the best team in NBA history that never won a championship, several clubs that fell short of raising a banner were disqualified based on the exercise’s criteria. Specifically, teams coming off their own title run, only to have their defense cut short by inexplicable disappointment, bouts of bad luck, or some combination of both.

So while you peruse Prada’s list of 64 teams over the next two weeks, here’s a look at the five saddest title defenses of the last 20 years. For some teams, sadness emanates from fans who look back wondering what could have been, either thanks to a heartbreaking injury, the rapid and unexpected effect of age on a key player, or even an organization-wide arrogance that seizes everyone who just took a champagne bath.

Insecurities revolve around money and minutes. Pecking orders and hierarchical scoring options are called into question. Sometimes, for reasons that remain a mystery to this day, the team’s championship heart just stops beating, or a rival competitor simply “wants it more.” Who knows.

For the purpose of keeping this as concise as possible, no organization appears twice on this list, and anyone eliminated in the Finals or conference finals didn’t make the cut because losing that far along is less sad than never advancing there in the first place.

5) 2011 Los Angeles Lakers

Regular season record: 57-25

Key losses: Jordan Farmar

Key additions: Matt Barnes, Steve Blake

Everyone remembers how this team went out. Near the end of a blowout, Andrew Bynum was ejected for trying to murder a defenseless, airborne J.J. Barea. Anytime violence occurs on a basketball court it’s shocking; this particular incident felt more like the foreseeable release of a sharp frustration that had been bubbling for weeks.

When they dropped their very first game of the playoffs against Chris Paul’s New Orleans Hornets, Kobe Bryant didn’t mince words: “He’s not naturally aggressive,” Bryant said about Pau Gasol, who made two baskets in the whole game. “Even if I’m tired, I’m naturally aggressive.”

Then, earlier in that series against Dallas, Bynum all but confirmed LA’s locker room drama. “It’s obvious we have trust issues,” he said. “Unless we come out and discuss it, then nothing is going to really change.”

Winning one championship is hard. Winning two in a row — as these Lakers did — is a Rubik’s Cube. Three-peats are a first-class ticket to immortality. But for this particular team, one full of championship experience and Hall of Fame talent, to fall short without any tangible explanation ... it almost diminishes the impressiveness of that entire era.

I remember the end of Game 1 against Dallas, watching Bryant back rim a three at the buzzer that would’ve put the Lakers up 1-0 and thinking LA would shake off the cobwebs and win in five or maybe six. When the series ended, I kept going back to Bryant’s three that never was, how it couldn’t have missed by more than an inch, and what would’ve happened from that point on if it went in.

Several factors decide whether a talented team will surge or fizzle at various inflection points on any given playoff run. The psychological momentum held in that one fading three was immense. Had it gone in, the Mavs could have overcome its devastating toll and still won it all, but to do so before earning the collective confidence every champion must acquire would’ve been next to impossible. The Lakers were so close yet so far away.

Their collapse then led to the Dwight Howard-Steve Nash apocalypse, while simultaneously cheating us of a possible Lakers-Heat showdown in that year’s Finals. What a shame.

4) 2000 San Antonio Spurs

Regular season record: 53-29

Key losses: None

Key additions: Terry Porter

San Antonio’s first title defense ended before it began when 23-year-old Tim Duncan tore the lateral meniscus in his left knee during Game 78 of his third season. The Spurs limped into the playoffs as a 53-win, No. 4 seed, where they were swiftly handled by a Phoenix Suns team that didn’t have their own best player (Jason Kidd) for the first three games, thanks to a broken ankle.

Looking back, though, all that really matters are the circumstances that surrounded Duncan’s knee. It’s an overlooked what-if moment in NBA history, full of incredible foresight and head-shaking details that make the whole thing seem avoidable if the Spurs knew then what we know now.

On one hand, Duncan averaged 42.5 minutes in the 10 games before he was shut down, including 48 (!!) in his season finale against Sacramento — a six-point overtime win in which Duncan finished 6-for-22 from the field and was not subbed out at all in the first and third quarters. (To put this in context, Giannis Antetokounmpo has crossed the 40-minute mark twice in the last two seasons.)

On the other hand, Gregg Popovich was wise enough to put Duncan on ice. Who knows how his knee/career would’ve been affected had he played, or even if that year’s champion — the first of three straight for Kobe Bryant’s and Shaquille O’Neal’s Lakers — would’ve been too much for them to handle.

San Antonio swept LA from the playoffs the previous year. The Lakers were talented but unproven, nearly falling against Sacramento in the first round after a 67-win regular season. Eventually they needed a Trail Blazers collapse in Game 7 of the conference finals to finally break through; it’s fair to wonder how any of this would’ve gone down had the Spurs let Duncan loose.

”I don’t know if it was right or wrong,” Popovich said over a decade later. “But we did it.”

Looking back on it, the Spurs had 34-year-old David Robinson (who was still an all-star/monster) and Sean Elliot rounding into shape after a kidney transplant forced him to miss the first three quarters of the season. From there, Terry Porter, Mario Elie, and Avery Johnson (who made one three in 2,571 minutes) were on their last legs, long before Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili injected new life into the organization.

The Spurs famously never went back-to-back in the Duncan era. This was low-key their best chance to do so.

3) 2009 Boston Celtics

Regular season record: 62-20

Key losses: James Posey, P.J. Brown

Key additions: None

Kobe Bryant’s first ring without Shaquille O’Neal came on a 65-win, revenge-fueled Lakers squad that spent all season stewing over their miserable Finals experience the previous June. The wheelchair game. The 24-point comeback at Staples Center (in which Ray Allen made the biggest *layup* of his career). That listless 39-point beatdown in Game 6. In 2009 they weren’t the best Lakers team ever, but did have a healthy and mountainous 21-year-old Andrew Bynum back in the starting lineup. No team in the Western Conference stood much of a chance.

But on the other side of the bracket, the Celtics were their own machine, emboldened by a champion’s aplomb, benefit of continuity, and Rajon Rondo’s steady bloom into a stud. The Celtics started the season 27-2, including a 19-game win streak that was ended on Christmas Day by the 23-5 Lakers.

As every member of their fanbase is well aware, in Boston’s first game after the NBA All-Star Game break the 44-11 Celtics were decapitated when Kevin Garnett injured his knee trying to catch a lob against the Utah Jazz. He tested it out a few weeks later but the results were pitiful relative to Garnett’s usual standards: 9 points, 4.5 rebounds, and 16.5 minutes in four games. He wasn’t healthy enough for the playoffs.

Without the reigning Defensive Player of the Year, Boston eventually scraped past Derrick Rose’s hungry Bulls in a classic seven-game series that included five games decided by three or fewer points before they blew a 3-2 lead against the Magic. (When it became clear Garnett would miss the entire postseason, Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck said this about the first-place Cavs: “They earned home court, they earned the best record, they are clearly a championship-quality team, and in my opinion they have the best basketball player on the planet right now: Mo Williams.”)

A series against the Cavs would’ve been a dog fight even if Garnett’s knee was 100 percent, but, as was made clear the following year, the Celtics were just about impossible to beat four times in seven tries when everybody was healthy. (Did you know their starting five never lost a playoff series? It’s true.)

This was before the three-point revolution, when physicality, size, and defense dictated wins and losses. On that end, Garnett and Boston’s defensive coordinator Tom Thibodeau owned the league with a back line overload concept that everybody else tried to copy. LeBron James was already the best player in the world, but Cleveland had yet to give him enough help.

Garnett’s knee robbed the Celtics of an epic Finals rematch. Instead, Courtney Lee missed a layup, Jameer Nelson forgot how to play transition defense, and the Lakers snuffed out Orlando in five.

One year later, Boston and LA met again, but by then the Celtics were on fumes. Garnett wasn’t the same player, and, even for a team that routinely struggled to score points throughout their time as a championship contender, the 2010 Finals were a particularly bumpy rock fight.

The Celtics emerged from the Garnett era with one ring, which is impressive by itself. But his injury in 2009 stole an opportunity everyone in Boston wished they could have back.

2) 2012 Dallas Mavericks

Regular season record: 36-30

Key losses: Peja Stojakovic, JJ Barea, Tyson Chandler, Corey Brewer, DeShawn Stevenson

Key additions: Vince Carter, Lamar Odom, Delonte West, Brandan Wright

Poor Dirk Nowitzki. It’s either recency bias or the deflating way Dallas allowed its only champion to implode overnight, but this team inspired me to write this article more than any other. The only championship team in franchise history was kind of like a sturdy Jenga tower, if that makes any sense. So long as every piece was in the right place, they had a breadth of complementary skill-sets who all belonged — an embodiment of the idea that the sum can be greater than its individual parts.

Unfortunately, six guys were free agents that offseason, and the only one Dallas retained was Brian “The Janitor” Cardinal, whose three-point percentage dropped from 48.3 to 20.4. Not great!

One particular decision still pains Mavs fans to this day. At the time, with the lockout sewing a modest amount of confusion into every team’s long-term strategy, Mark Cuban sided with long-term flexibility over the 29-year-old defensive anchor Tyson Chandler. Instead of keeping a good thing (with a narrow window of contention) going, they fell in love with the idea of pairing another free agent star with Nowitzki. One in the hand is worth two in the bush, etc.

Hindsight is 20/20, but even at the time this felt icky. Since, the Mavericks have advanced past the first round precisely zero times; in 2012 the Mavs were swept in Round 1 by Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden’s Oklahoma City Thunder. It’s fair to look at the talent in Oklahoma City and say Dallas capitalized on its one and only chance, but Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Shawn Marion, and Jason Terry deserved an opportunity to sustain their magic against LeBron James’ Heat one more time.

Chandler went on to win Defensive Player of the Year during his first season with the Knicks, and eventually came back to Dallas in 2015. By then the landscape had shifted. Golden State was starting a dynasty and Nowitzki was 36. “Obviously it would have been better if we could have kept him, right?” Cuban said at Chandler’s press conference in 2014. “But our hand was dealt with all the changes. All’s well that ends well. I think it turned out just the way we wanted, just the way I planned.”

A year later, Chandler was in Phoenix. The Mavs, having thought DeAndre Jordan was in the bag, were left in the cold once again.

1) 2007 Miami Heat

Regular season record: 44-38

Key losses: None

Key additions: None

For these Heat, “sad,” as it’s described in the introduction of this article, equals “pathetic.” This team was as mediocre as it was forgettable as it was disappointing. For just a moment, try and get past the fact they were the first defending champion in over 50 years to get swept from the first round, and instead focus on how they made zero essential changes to their championship roster during the offseason and then lost their season opener by 42 points!

Getting demolished in the playoffs was embarrassing but could at least be blamed on a regular season that was ravaged by injuries (Dwyane Wade missed 31 games and Shaquille O’Neal sat out 42). But to no-show your own ring ceremony? And only score 66 points!? Needless to say, this was officially the worst loss in league history by a defending champ on opening night.

Now, when you throw in the controversy that still surrounds Miami’s 2006 title — Oprah Winfrey might as well have stood on the baseline shouting “You get a whistle, and you get a whistle!” every time Wade drove into the paint — is there any title from the last 25 years that feels more random if that postseason were simulated 100 times? I’m not trying to disparage a championship run, but the league had no boogeyman in 2007, and the Eastern Conference was wide open once again.

In 2008, O’Neal was traded and Alonzo Mourning retired. They won 15 games and were awarded the second pick in the draft, which meant Michael Beasley instead of Derrick Rose. Eventually LeBron James saved Miami from the wilderness and forever altered how that organization is perceived. But back in 2007 they were, as Pat Riley said in early January — when he announced his own indefinite leave of absence to deal with personal health issues — ”We have a championship team that is sideways right now, so this is going to be a great challenge. Keep your notebooks open. We’ll see how it plays out.”

Narrator: It played out like a complete and total catastrophe. Some might point to the injuries and the age-related decline, but that’s kind of an excuse. This team is remembered as a defending champion that had no interest in wanting to do it all over again. That’s not what you want.

Consumer Guide / No.75 / with singer-songwriter, Bronwen Exter.

MW : Introduce me to the band…

BE : I'll list them in order of how long we've been playing music together:

Jennifer Middaugh - Vocal harmonies. Before a song is even done I know I can't sing it without her. Sometimes I write harmony lines explicitly, and sometimes she comes up with them. Jen is a BFF, I always let her order the sushi because she knows how to do so in a completely decadent way. She can sing circles around me. We met around 2000 at the Cosmic Joke Collective in NYC hosted by our Parisian friend, Mary Noelle Dana, or maybe at the off Broadway show De La Guarda. Our first collaboration was ‘Willow Weep For Me’. We ducked off at a loft party on the Lower East Side to put it together as a surprise that turned out to be an unforgettable collaboration, still going strong.

Michael Stark - Piano and Organ. In 2009, Jen and Mike and I spent a whole July night until daybreak making a recording of my song, ‘Junkyard’. Around dawn, by the time we were using beer bottle percussion and heavy chains for ambiance on the track, all the files were lost. It was so tragically funny we've been playing together ever since. Mike has all the charts to all my songs on the same old ragged pieces of paper. I make up chords and he names them and interprets them for everyone else. He knows my music inside and out, in some cases better than I do.

Matthew Saccuccimorano - Drums. Matt produced my second record, ‘Junkyard’, when we were a trio with a different drummer, (beloved Dana Billings). Matt is grouchy and loveable. He has the coolest family and smartest, most talented kids in the world. When Dana got too busy with another band he is in, I was really excited for the silver lining of bringing Matt into the band. He loves to rehearse, and he brings a production sensibility to rehearsals. In return, I sometimes bring him cookies. We both love loud drums, though we have completely different definitions of what loud drums are.

John Young - Electric and Upright Bass. Jen and I have also known John for almost 20 years. He plays in the cult NYC band Spottiswoode and His Enemies, one of our all time favorite acts and influences. John loves coffee, and John is great at talking. He definitely comes across as extremely smart, and I suspect he actually is.

Jason Shegogue - Guitar and Lap Steel. As Matt says, every single thing Jason plays sounds like a record. Jason collects old gear and never makes fun of my guitar playing. He is awfully nurturing, for being so good.

Venissa Santi - Vocal harmonies. Venissa learned two full sets of Jen's parts last spring because of a late conflict Jen had with our local release show, which speaks to her chops. Like Jen, she sings jazz in her own band. Once that show was done, once she had written her own parts to some new songs, once we heard the way we could all do three part harmonies, once we realized how fun she is in a band, once we realized splitting a couple hundred bucks seven ways is just about like splitting it six and nobody really cares anyway, she had to stay.

MW : Tell me about your new album…

BE : We recorded ‘Snakeskin, There’ at Old Soul Studios in Catskill, NY, where I made my first record ‘Elevator Ride’ in 2005. Kenny Siegal produced and recorded. It is available digitally on all the usual places, and physically through CD Baby or directly from me, in person.

The title comes from a lyric in track 3: ‘The Creature That You Knew’. The song is about a snake or, rather, the fact that I kept finding a snakeskin at my doorstep and it kind of freaked me out, but then I took inspiration thinking about metamorphosis and personal growth, how much better I liked myself living in a little house in the middle of nowhere than I had when I lived in NYC. At the same time, the bridge of the song is nostalgic for Paris musically and lyrically, and all the trappings of a more cosmopolitan life, so there's something unresolved in it.

The lyrics on this record come roughly half from dreams and half from stark life in Upstate NY, married and a new mom. There was a rawness to the time I wrote it, a lot of raw love. It's not an album of lullabies - I've also been called dreamy in the past, and I like to think that the dreaminess of these songs is more like when you wake up, can't shake it, and go, what the F was that?!

There are a couple singles, too - ‘Shapeshifter’ and ‘The Chase’, which is a three minute rock song. I wrote ‘The Chase’ with my wife Rachel on a picnic blanket. It's about the lure of the bad ex we all have.

MW : From your website, you seem to like PIE CHARTS?!  What were your best subjects at school, and how did you actually get on with mathematics?!!

BE : I am terrible at math. I love history, and I love literature. The pie charts were a joke, but there’s way too little opportunity to not take yourself seriously promoting music, so I went with it.

I was fascinated with the idea of how transparent my songwriting could get if I challenged myself to be more clear and specific, thematically. Along the same lines as trying not to write songs in A minor, when I made the pie charts I was trying to check myself for cliches. The charts represent the songwriting before the current release (when I realized I made mention of bones too often). The batch of songs before that were too frequently set on a road in America. Making pie charts has nothing to do with being good at math - I enjoy basic math from time to time, for sure, but that's it. 

My best subject in school was politics. I am endlessly fascinated with how power works, the intersection between legal and social change, theory and practice. I will never get over reading history - how human and flawed, multilayered, sordid and utterly engaging it is ; and literature is in its own category. The writers and poets I love are everything to me.  

MW : Do you have any superstitions?

BE : I try not to have, so no, not that I can think of. Knock on wood! I think I am superstitious about having superstitions. I worry that if I think that way, bad things will happen as a result. I try to operate with a balance of reason and faith. The world is scary enough without being superstitious.

MW : What’s the best slice of luck you’ve had so far?

BE: Two sons, hands down.

MW :  What’s downtown Ithaca, NY usually like in Winter?

BE : Winter lasts about six months and downtown gets deserted. There is already a foot of snow outside and it’s only mid-November, so it looks like winter came a month early this year and in my soul it has already lost its charm. 

I wrote ‘In My Room’, track #4 on the new record, looking out at my blooming crab-apple tree getting covered in a massive snowstorm in April. For six months, downtown Ithaca and its people try to make the best of it. The rest of the year we've got it made, humidity notwithstanding. 

This city rests on the land of the Cayuga, and any season reveals this land's utter beauty and majesty - glacial hills and lakes and gorges. A cold six months requires resilience and builds character, but it is often spectacularly beautiful. A story about last winter: my band played a winter residency at our favorite club downtown, Casita del Polaris, and each installment featured a calamity: my lost voice, the mayor telling everyone to stay off the roads, our bass player breaking his leg, etc. I dragged myself to each show, because we had rehearsed our faces off to learn my whole catalog - three two-hour, all original different sets of music, none of which with songs from the new record. It felt crazy to go out in the cold, and I think the shows were on Thursdays, too.

Here’s the fundamental thing I learned last year about downtown Ithaca in winter : when you show up for art, throw energy into it with abandon for no good reason other than trying to make music for the sake of the sound, people show up to bear witness. I loved that residency. 

MW : How is it for arts & culture?

BE : Ithaca has lovely, thriving, collaborative, multiple arts scenes - independent, national, underground, highbrow, it’s a good little town for being so isolated. Ithaca is a college town, so if you are willing to brave that scene you can absorb the arts and culture it brings. When I was growing up I was always up on those hills - I got to meet Vladimir Ashkenazi, and Mstislav Rostropovich - I played violin and sang in the Children's choir. 

When I moved back to town ten years ago, I was blown away by all the bands and songwriters. It's a small enough city that I now consider many of the people I admired good friends and collaborators ; and there is a whole other layer of independent, younger artists through the “Ithaca Underground” that will always be cooler than me - for that I am thankful. 

Ithaca is great in how these layers tend to cross pollinate, too. I can think of lots of examples. 

MW : What was the last book, cd, film you bought/saw?

BE : With two small kids we really don’t get out much, but the last movie I saw in the theater was ‘Black Panther’ and damn that was good. I read all the time, currently ‘Team of Rivals’ about Abraham Lincoln.

At home we are collecting records - other than supporting musician friends and collaborators, the last record I loved completely was ‘Capacity’ by Big Thief.

MW : How will you / do you (usually) celebrate Christmas?

BE : With family, as you might expect, but my favorite holidays are Thanksgiving and the Winter Solstice. I love remembering all the descant lines to all my favorite Christmas carols, so if there is an opportunity to attend a midnight mass and sing those, I do. I appreciate this time of year as alternately decadent and reflective.

MW :  Plans for 2019?

BE: Keep writing songs and other things - poems, essays, whatever. I am in a steady, long-game phase--raising small children, trying to do so with love and integrity. I keep the things that sustain me going, including creativity, but I am also going underground a bit after the release of this record. I am listening for what songs want to be written next, eager to hear them.

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© Mark Watkins / November 2018