janine standing up for herself against melissa

bonus:

Abbott is doing the right thing for Janine & Gregory’s relationship (even as frustrating as it is because we, as the audience, just want them to be together already). 

Janine has been less than a year since she broke up with the boyfriend she’d had since middle school, and her only other boyfriend has been Maurice. So much of her life has been shaped by a relationship that she needs a lot of time and growth to understand who she is outside of that. 

She’s lived for other people for almost her whole life--her mother, her students, Tariq, etc. If any character deserves to be selfish for a while, it’s her. Let her figure out what it means to put herself first without any hesitation or second-guessing.

Already this season, we’ve seen Janine learn how to have friends outside of work, be independent, and stand up to her manipulative mother--all healing that she needs to do for herself. 

Keeping herself single into next season will help her continue to work through her past and discover herself, and it’ll be a real treat to see how she continues to grow. Quinta Brunson has proven she can deliver some beautiful character growth. 

I have no doubt that Teddie will get together when they’re both ready--and they’ll both be so much better for all the growth they’ve gone through before they get there. 

blue side of the sky (lmh) | 19.5 [cloudy days] y/n

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—19.5 [CLOUDY DAYS] y/n's thoughts

—WORD COUNT: 0.7k

—ON ROTATION: broke me down - janine

You tuck your knees to your chest, sniffing as you finally calm down from all the crying you did earlier. Your chest was still in pain, head feeling foggy and clouded. Being in Uncle Adrian's presence after Minho left was everything you needed, but at the same time, painful. Sad. Heartbreaking. Because you are mourning everything about Minho, and you are mourning something— the person, the life— you thought you knew. Rose tinted glasses stripped from your view of the world, only causing more storms, more cloudy days to tumble in and fill your field of vision.

You let out a sigh as your eyes land on the blank canvas currently sitting on the easel near the corner of your room. You don't really know what you want to paint, but your feet are taking you to the seat before you could even object. You gather your paint and set aside a few that you need, getting your brush ready as you test out a single stroke— a baby blue streak now taking its place on the canvas. You imagine grass dotted with tiny daises and dandelions, trees almost bare as the seasons change and it sheds its old leaves. A cold, cloudy day. An open notebook lies next to you, a few missing pages ripped from the seam. As you sit and stare ahead, you aren't really sure what you're looking at. All you see is the sky stretching beyond what you can imagine, hills never-ending; much as life, as you never know how far the hills stretch, how long the rollercoaster lasts. But through it all, the sky still turns blue in the far distance.

You miss how things used to be.

You wish you remembered.

How you wish you could press rewind and do things differently; turn back the hands of time and play a different outcome.

How you wish you could go back to how things used to be— even if that meant going back to the days when you and Minho weren't okay, going back to the days when you argued, cried, fought. At least you wouldn't be guessing your way through life like you are now, going through an open notebook trying to determine what the missing pages were without any clues.

So, you paint just that. That exact image. Letting your thoughts come to life, allowing your hand to freely move on its own. Breathing life into the canvas, into your own story. You move your brush in a still, steady movement— hoping that with every stroke, the pain will subside and bleed into the paint instead. Because one day, you hope the painting can capture all of your feelings properly. The sadness, the hurt, the frustration. Because one day, you hope to look back at it and be able to remember how these days contributed to your healing, your growth. Because one day, you hope to look back and see how far you've come despite the vast amount of hills, the never-ending rollercoasters.

But one day, you also hope to look back and find this painting to serve as a reminder on your tough days. That, although, things weren't entirely clear or perfect, it would only get better from here. That blue skies will come to you once again, just like they do in the painting.

No matter the distance, it'd be there. 

Ready to engulf you in its brightness, its warmth.

And maybe, underneath those blue skies, you won't be sitting alone next to a ripped notebook. Underneath those blue skies, the grass will be a bit greener, the trees will have its leaves as it stands on its strong roots. Underneath those blue skies, you'd find a complete notebook after rearranging the pieces of yourself. 

Underneath those blue skies, you'll be with Chan, Seungmin, Jisung, Minho.

Underneath those blue skies, you'll look at Minho and find the blue skies, the stars, moon, galaxies all within those beautiful, brown orbs.

And it'll feel peaceful. 

It'll feel bright. 

It'll feel warm.

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Abbott Finale Thoughts

Oh. My. God. This episode was stressful but beautiful at the same time. It confirmed everything I thought when it came to them while also stressing me out when it came to their relationship. It starts off with them being as cute as ever with her asking him what he's packing. I love how they've grown to be this casual around each other and she loves to be with him.

Gregory also loves being with her I absolutely love that he takes her recommendations seriously. That's boyfriend material right there it's so romantic he doesn't just like her he wants to know her.

This is also the first time they've done an interview together which I definitely think is significant to their relationship because it just shows how close they are. I feel like at that moment and several moments throughout this season it has shown that their rhythm was back and they're closer than ever despite the awkwardness from before

Sadly it hit a snag when Maurice showed up. I will admit while he wasn't wrong that it was a bit selfish to dump him like that it was unnecessary and mean to call her out like that. Did he really need to come down just to say that?! Especially when he's ghosting girls ugh it doesn't matter if he texted her back he still made her feel like she was awful! Someone said on Twitter that allowing someone to love her and shoe deep affection for her is a trigger with how she grew up and what Maurice told her caused her to self- sabotage. That's a lot and very true she wasn't shown a lot of that growing up and it's honestly scary. She had one boyfriend for most of her life where she essentially took care of him and wasn't really loved and now she's spiralling thinking all she'd do in a relationship is hurt someone

This definitely affects Janine and makes her think she hasn't made a lot of progress this year which isn't true her growth is amazing! I'm so sad for her that she doesn't want to pursue things with Gregory because she doesn't want to hurt him but I get it. It also show how much she values her friendship with Gregory which is so wholesome

Gregory can of course tell something's wrong immediately because he knows her and that just warms my heart. I loves that he thought one of his kids a game just so that she could hug her hoping she'd love that. It's the little things with them the things they do for each other because they get each other

I was screaming at the fact that he wanted to stay in Philly for the summer to be with her! He wants to be wherever she is but she doesn't want to hurt him so she's being distant with his suggestion my heart hurt

I love that Jacob and Gregory's friendship is evolving and how he was the biggest supporter for Teddie he just wants him to go for it. Good on him for pointing out the miscommunication in their relationship it's frustrating but sadly so common with people. Talking is just hard sometimes or awkward in this case. Bro hug was so cute

Ava setting up the pairing was so like her and I love her for it also that conversation about selfishness was so important. Obviously Ava is very selfish but she was right she takes care of herself and so is Janine and sh's not really hurting anyone. It would not hurt Gregory to date him but at the same time she's not ready. Janine puts a lot of stock into being a good person that she doesn't really know that sometimes being selfish is ok. She's learning so much and I'm so proud of her

This leads to a beautiful confession that I'm still not over he said he had feelings for her!!! The best part was the second confession at the literal heart! So many things were said like how they both liked each other since he joined Abbott! I loved the cute bickering of them dating other people

This leads to my favourite line of the episode which is in the pics below. When I tell you I lost it that was so beautiful she loves him so much she's so smiley not just because she loves being a teacher buy because she loves to see him!! That is so affirming and beautiful! She loves him so much my heart cannot take it. Added to that she's recognizing that she needs to work on herself right now while also telling him he's the one!

I love that Gregory understood but you could see he was hurt he really wants to be with her oh this angst is killing me but it's sooo good

Love the second bro hug and how it was longer this time he needed that and that also shows growth I love them!

The way they glanced at each other before going to sleep only to not see each other?! It hurts so good

So the field trip is over but Janine did learn a lot she is not ready for him but she could be at some point. She's 26 and still growing to know that you're not ready to be in a relationship is very mature even if it hurts. She wants to continue her growing path which will include self love, experiencing new things with Erica and just having fun. She needs to learn how to be independent and be the best version of herself and I can't wait to see how that unfolds in season 3.

I bet that along with Janine's growth we'll also get the same small moments we've always been getting which are always great because you don't need a lot of big moments with them to show a love story. I love the crumbs because it really showcases the love they have for each other and why they're important

I could definitely tell they were both sad at the end and Gregory would not want to go with Janine to lunch if it was just the two of them because it wouldn't be a date and he wouldn't be able to handle it so now it's the trio again

I see awkwardness in their future again but I hope they stay close and no one dates anyone else. I'm looking forward to more growth, pining, funny episodes and overall a good time with Abbott in season 3. A great season finale I loved it so much!

Blood of Eden

Merry Christmas Mel @fiveneedsanap! You’re one of the poor souls at the receiving end of my rants about work at the minute, so I probably don’t have to explain why this is a little short, but I hope you enjoy this bittersweet Janine/Peter scene and the vaguely horrifying implications of it as much as I loved writing it!

Thanks as always to @runnerzero and the gang for organising.

***

He’s leading her by the hand, a strip of cloth tied carefully over her eyes, loose enough that she could shrug it off if there were any real danger, if she grew tired of the game. And though it feels foolhardy to be so defenseless out in the field, there’s something exhilarating about blindness, too. It’s a rare occasion when Janine De Luca gives up control, gives her life entirely to someone else.

Perhaps she ought to do it more often.

“Here,” Peter says, and lets her hand drop for a second, pulling the blindfold away with one gentle tug at the knot. She blinks at the sudden sunlight, and then gasps.

Before her, unfurled, are rows upon rows of saplings, thorny roses, hydrangeas and dahlias; daisies, cornflowers, lilies and sweetpeas, the snow dappled in a colourful carpet almost as far as she can see. She finds herself naming each one, English and Latin and Greek, fingertips brushing at the petals, the perfectly tilled soil. It’s a dreadful waste of decent farmland, she thinks. It’s the most beautiful thing she’s seen in over a decade.

“How…” she murmurs.

“Quite a lot of trial and error, really. And blood, sweat and tears. A lot of tears.”

And more than a little immortal blood, to make any of this grow out of season. It seems better not to share that part, though. How the petals bloom in the salt of his wounds, how he brings what should be dead to life. How all it costs is some piece of his soul, each time.

“…Peter, I… Mr Lynne, I don’t know what to say.”

He grins, a hand resting on her elbow. “I’ve rendered the great Janine de Luca speechless?”

“Quiet, you.”

She doesn’t force him to move his hand. And it’s very quiet, right here. Flowers blooming in the snow. Growth in a wasteland. Unnatural and lovely, just like he is.

“Merry Christmas, Jenny,” Peter says, his voice barely above a whisper.

Initially, I was trying to pursue the topic of transhumanism. From the recommendations Paul gave me, he put an important emphasis on Derek Jarman. Upon researching his work I found the genre he fits into New Queer Cinema. I was overwhelmed by choice and didn’t know where to start, so I asked a friend, and she told me about Cheryl Dunye and her most famous work ‘The Watermelon Woman’ (1996). While watching this movie I started to make a lot of connections with some  personal research I was doing into love, specifically ‘All About Love’ (2000) by Bell Hooks, and it inspired me to change my topic to Love.

Cheryl Dunye

Cheryl Dunye is an American filmmaker who began her career during the rise of New Queer Cinema, a movement characterized by independent film-making centered around the realism of raw queer stories and intersectionalism that differed from the commonly sanitized characters of the mainstream featuring white cis gay men. Dunye’s first work ‘Wild Thing’ (1989) was a montage with footage of the poet Sapphire reciting her own poem by the same name. In her second tape ‘Janine’ (1990), she made a montage with her own likeness this time, sitting down and filming herself talking about her crush named Janine, and how the implications of their queer and racial identities affected them. With this approach, she wishes to empower her own experiences, and by using the personal as theoretical, making the audience question their own intricacies in their identities, even if they're not the same as hers. Dunye later gained her popularity with her movie ‘The Watermelon Woman’, it premiered at Berlinale in 1996, granting her the Teddy Award for Best Feature, an important landmark for queer history, as it was the first feature film where both the creator and the main character was a black lesbian woman, and, deservedly so, the movie has been acclaimed as a queer classic ever since. Her storytelling never shies away from queer and racial experiences of the working class or forcibly tries to make it palatable for a straight white audience. Dunye’s style often combines different types of video production, like when we see the character Cheryl film herself, the footage is intentionally in lower definition, grainy and shaky. Deliberately choosing to play a character as herself, speaking directly to the camera and recognizing the production at play speaks to her distinct approach of combining different mediums, like personal artwork, documentary and fiction. 

In the movie ‘The Watermelon Woman’, the main character Cheryl is an aspiring filmmaker who gets sucked into the mystery of the real identity behind an actress in the 1920s who always played the role of the mammy, and is only ever credited as the Watermelon Woman. Throughout the film, she finds out her name, Fae Richards, she was also a lesbian and had an off-screen romance with a queer white woman who was the director of the movies she was in, Martha Page. During the incessant search for more information on Fae’s history, Cheryl also falls in love with a white woman, Diana, and they share genuinely beautiful romantic scenes. Yet, when all the puzzle pieces come together at the end of the movie, the thought of both those relationships leaves a sour taste in your mouth that is hard to explain if you haven’t felt it yourself. Like Cheryl’s best friend Tamara points out, Diana was lost in her life and seemed to be using Cheryl's purpose and other people’s struggles to find her own happiness, as seen by her actions; she had dated several black people before Cheryl, she didn’t need to have a job so she moved to a black neighbourhood to “find herself” and volunteered helping poor black children. 

In the essay ‘Clarity: Give Love Words’ in ‘All About Love’, Hooks points to a quote by psychiatrist Scott Peck where, in his book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ (1978), he defines love as the following: 

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth… Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” (p.4)

As Bell Hooks also puts it, love is not just a feeling, it is an action and a verb: “The word "love" is most often defined as a noun, [...] we would all love better if we used it as a verb”. We can find ourselves confused after a break-up trying to figure out when the feeling changed, but more often than not the answer was always there in plain sight, hidden behind misconceptions, a lover’s actions will tell more about their love than their words.

Perhaps Tamara’s view was a bit cynical, or Diane’s actions of love towards others, indulging in the relationship with Cheryl and even helping her with her film project, were more so coming out of her own self-interest. However, besides everything, Cheryl finds peace with her heartbreak and even her passion project which does go at all the way that she intended it. In the ending monologue, she shares the realization that the struggle of both their lives does not take away from all the victories and ‘precious moments’, that Fae’s story might’ve been far from a fairy tale, but she followed her heart and her passions despite the push back from the world, and that gave her hope, courage and confidence to do the same. No matter what, she showed herself she is able to be a young black lesbian filmmaker, and this movie, all the love and recognition it received in the queer community, is proof of that.

Hooks, B. (2000) All About Love. New York: HarperCollins. 

the handmaid’s tale s3ep6 thoughts

under the cut because spoilers

honestly...not a lot of thoughts because this episode was hella boring

and confirmed my fears for the show

the last episode was the only “good” episode of this season don’t @ me

idk what the show is trying to do with commander lawrence. i saw a behind the scenes thing where the producers talked about how the dynamic between lawrence and june is so awesome and interesting and i dont see it. bradley whitford is a great actor but the show is out of ideas so they are trying to keep as many characters as possible ambiguous and its dumb

the vibe in d.c. was so creepy

wow i missed rita

fred is in his ~element~ in d.c. that smug bastard

it’s interesting that the d.c. wife went by her first name (that im blanking on) and not mrs. __________. It seems like even though they are higher up they are much more chill as a couple (probs because the husband is GAYY)

the stapled mouths... chills

if aunt lydia is disgusted you know its bad

mmmm nick how i’ve missed you

june and nick’s secret smiles and touches... finally some good fucking content

fred is so INSECURE about nick lolol. He was #shook to see him and then his whole confident commander vibe went away because he knows nick is holly’s dad therefore hypothetically outranking him. When he called nick “son” I almost burst out laughing

okay im sry but the swiss were not trustworthy at all. As soon as june hinted about nick they immediately perked up and were the ones who asked if it was nick who she was talking about. they were there to collect info about gilead and that is all. they weren’t there to actually help the situation. I thought that was plain as day the way the scene was presented. The music, their body language and how they menacingly leaned forward.... 

nick was looking to get some lolol and june was like no baby please focus on the issue at hand

nick’s reaction when june told him about the deal pretty much confirms what i thought. he has been behind the scenes in the government and knows what goes on. he knows they aren’t actually there to help holly, or june, or him. he point blank says they don’t give a fuck about them. i think max did a great job conveying that he wanted to please june and be there for his daughter, even though he knew the risk and that ultimately nothing would be done

lol dat commander is gay for fred

the wife talking about working at a law practice just made me think of john mulaney going “you have your law practice and I have these fucking markers” in one of his specials

im not sure how the conversation with nick and the swiss went down... he obviously showed up to the meeting. I also think it’s pretty clear the swiss knew who he was so they probably already knew he was a “war criminal.” but I don’t know if he gave them info and then they were like “thanks for all of that but we can’t trust you because youre a war criminal” or if they just didnt let him talk at all. who knows

showing him walking in all black through the soldiers was hot af and it was a poor attempt by the show to try and paint him as a villain. 

also im sorry but what did june expect?? i always assumed it was implied nick had at least fought a little bit like in season 2 when he literally ASKED to be sent to the front. 

This revelation really wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Nick still loves june, he still loves holly, he showed up to the meeting despite his past and his reservations, he still has on a mask when dealing with gilead stuff. It doesn’t excuse his complicity when gilead started, but i think it’s pretty clear he isn’t a gilead believer

I also wonder if serena exaggerated how involved he was because if he was that important in the war wouldn’t he have been made a commander? Like if he was ~that~ impressive of a soldier he would have been promoted and not been a low-ranking driver for so many years. Or that’s just an inconsistency with writing (lets face it it’s probably that)

im telling you the show is out of ideas and so instead of moving the plot forward to anything they are just having characters act ambiguous or backslide for the sake of trying to keep viewers on their toes when really we’re just annoyed with the inconsistency

the scene with aunt lydia... i mean give ann dowd all the awards as always. the scene was sweet and weird at the same time. and I think it’s obvious june and janine are aunt lydia’s “favorite” handmaids. I don’t think this was really out of character for aunt lydia, but I don’t think it’s growth either. It’s always been pretty clear that aunt lydia is sadistic but its because she is truly trying to redeem/save the girls. she “loves” them in a fucked up way, but she truly believes she is helping. 

unlike serena who loves nothing and is cold and empty. ive always said that fred is a villain but hes just dumb and not really worth anyone’s time, aunt lydia is delusional but at least believes in what she is doing, and serena is the worst of all because she is smart enough to know that what she is doing is wrong and she does it anyway. 

i LOVED june’s speech to serena like finally. everything she said to her was 100% accurate

can we please have some waterford-less episodes im sick of seeing them

the music that played while june cried by the lincoln memorial was BEAUtiful also

like damn

where will this show go next?? who knows but i dont really care because it’s boring

I just love how even though we now know it was love at first sight for them they have yet to confess love because they’re not there yet. They need to have the character growth to get there and since this isn’t a dating show it will definitely take a while. However the confessions of liking each other were super special especially Janine with how she looks forward to seeing him everyday. Gregory may have just said he has feelings for her but that is still beautiful and he shows his care for her in many ways. I feel like their love language is words of affirmation and quality time

Example of words of affirmation as well as Gregory telling her she’s a good teacher and how Janine said everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them as they are

Quality time they have a lot of this since they work together. The most common used ones are their little knocks to check in on each other during the day. Not to mention the times they sit together during lunch or just walk together it’s the little things that I always love and appreciate

The thing about them is that they don’t need grand gestures to show that they care. They also have some acts of service like the umbrella scene which added words of affirmation along with him fixing the picture in season one. It all leads to them being comfortable around each other since the beginning. They confide in each other and are just good friends but they’re not there yet. They’re not there yet because they need to grow as individuals and have more small and big moments together.

They haven’t met each other’s parents or talked a lot about their fears and stuff which are pivotal. I don’t think they’ll dive into this too much since this is a comedy but I know that their growth as individuals will ultimately be a huge push in the right direction. What I would want for them both is to talk about honesty anything as it would bring them closer together. It would be great for them to have heart warming conversations as well no matter how small. I definitely think them not getting together is for the best because how can she date him when she’s so unsure about herself?

I know a lot of people are frustrated and mad at Janine right now but this is a slow burn and this is what’s best for them and their characters.