i need to stop procrastinating... i have a 25 paged script due an hour from now and im only on the first page !!!!!!!! T_T

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[Femslash February]: Asleep

lol that it’s only day 2 and im already late with this >.>

Day 2: Asleep (Chlonette)

Words: 2133

Link to Archive of Our Own: [AO3]

[Previous: Snow] [Next: Rescue]

The first time Chloe stayed after school to study in the library, she found Marinette sleeping over her books at a study table near the windows. 

Lycée turned out to be a lot harder than Chloe had thought, and trying to keep up with all of her homework without getting frustrated and forgoing it completely was almost impossible. It led to her bringing in half-finished homework assignments or not bringing in any assignments at all since it happened that Sabrina wasn’t in any of her classes this year. Her teachers packed her up with review sheets and extra homework every single day, and she had to use the hour study sessions at the end of every day to finish up all her work before she went home. It was absolutely deplorable stuff, but even her father was putting his foot down about it, which meant she really had no choice this time around. 

She was dragging her feet to the library and looking for a seat when she found Marinette at a study table all by herself. 

Chloe raised a brow. She didn’t really see Marinette much anymore. They were on completely different bac tracks and they were in completely different classes for any subjects they did share. She did occasionally see Marinette in the halls as they walked to their respective classes, but putting in the energy to mess with her was a lot harder now. It wasn’t the same now that they barely saw each other. 

But, apparently Marinette also stayed for the study blocks after school. And apparently she wasn’t faring too well. 

Chloe put her books on a chair two down from where Marinette was sitting. She was passed out on top of her tablet, and her right hand was still clutching the pen she was using to mark up the book they must have been reading for her French Literature class. Chloe reached over to check the page they were on and realized that Marinette was almost as far behind in the book as Chloe was. 

Huh. And she always thought that Marinette was a studious little thing. 

If Marinette was here, it was probably because she needed to be, and Chloe had far too much studying to get done to even bother with being petty. She poked Marinette in the forehead until she jerked up in her chair and rubbed at the cheek that was pressed against her tablet. She turned her head and groggily blinked up at Chloe. “What are you doing here?”

“Same as you probably,” Chloe replied. She shoved Marinette’s book closer to her. “Come on. I don’t need your snoring distracting me.” 

Marinette glared weakly, but other than that she didn’t really rise to the flimsy bait Chloe set up. They both buckled down to work for about an hour, and Chloe left only a couple of minutes after Marinette did. It was the longest they’d ever been in such close proximity to each other without causing a fight. Maybe her father was right and lycée really did make young ladies out of little girls. That or fighting with Marinette really did get old after a while. Especially when school work wasn’t a joke anymore. 

Chloe was having lunch with Sabrina the next day and told her that she saw Dupain-Cheng for the first time since classes started. 

“During the study block?” Sabrina asked. 

“Yeah. Working on Literature homework or whatever. Aren’t you in that class with her?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it was that bad.”

Chloe frowned. “Didn’t think what was that bad?”

Sabrina shrugged. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but she misses a lot of classes. Comes in late a lot. Falls asleep during lessons. Hands in things late or doesn’t hand them in at all. She looks exhausted most of the time, so I guess she’s been falling behind.”

They dropped the subject -- Chloe didn’t want to appear too interested -- but she sort of remembered Adrien telling her something about him having a hard time keeping up with his class schedule. He was always missing classes and coming in late and forgetting assignments too. But Adrien had tutors that filled in the gaps pretty well, so it didn’t seem as if his work or his grades were suffering too much. Plus he had a far better attention span and work ethic than Chloe did, bless his heart. 

But Marinette didn’t have tutors to catch her up. She was probably using the study blocks to catch up on extra and missed assignments too, and even then she couldn’t stay awake. 

They saw each other but did not speak to each other after school for that entire week as they struggled to catch up, and Chloe couldn’t help but feel a little bad for her. Chloe was behind because she couldn’t be bothered to do work half the time. Marinette look like she was sprinting to catch up and falling behind every day. She wondered why on Earth that was, but they weren’t nearly close enough for Chloe to just ask. 

One day, after three akuma attacks that interrupted the flow of the entire day, Chloe found Marinette passed out on the tables again, this time over her writing homework. 

She was starting to suspect that she was a narcoleptic or something. Didn’t she sleep at night like everyone else? What did she do with all the time she wasn’t at school? 

Chloe peeked over at Marinette’s work again, and recognized the assignment as one Sabrina had been working on close to a week ago. She sighed and cursed at herself, doing a quick calculation of how much she was going to regret this. 

She smacked Marinette in the arm and jostled her a couple of times before Marinette woke up again. Marinette looked like she was going to say something, but Chloe promptly cut her off and said, “Come.”

“What?” Marinette blinked. 

“Darling, you’re a week behind on your work, and you’re practically drooling on what little you do have written down. So come on before I change my mind.”

Marinette hesitated in her seat for a moment, so Chloe merely shrugged and headed for the exit to the library. She was rounding the corner when she heard a chair scrape and Marinette running to catch up with her. “Where are we going?”

“Coffee. I need it, and god knows you should probably hook an IV of it up to your arm at this point.”

Marinette snorted and Chloe barely caught sight of the dark circles under Marinette’s eyes. “I don’t need coffee, Chloe.”

“You need it like you need a smack in the face. Maybe then you’ll stop sounding so stupid. Hurry up, before they notice we’re gone.”

Chloe bought two cups of the strongest brew they had, only adding enough cream to it to make it drinkable. Marinette looked like she was going to put up a fight about not paying for her own drink, but Chloe held up a hand and silenced her protesting while she handed off her credit card. 

“You should also do something about those bags under your eyes,” Chloe told her as they snuck the coffee back into the library. “Get some concealer. Better yet, have a facial night and get some sleep. You look an absolute fright.”

Marinette didn’t even take any of that as an insult. Instead she nodded along and took a huge gulp of her coffee before she sat back down to work. Chloe bit her lip and opened up her own books. Nope. She wasn’t going to care. Marinette wasn’t her business, and she didn’t like Marinette. This was as far as her kindness would go. 

Of course, during lunch the next day, Sabrina handed Chloe a box from the Dupain-Cheng bakery filled with fruit tarts that had a note affixed to the top. Thanks for the coffee. -Marinette.

She saw Marinette after school that day, wearing some concealer under her eyes, and looking a little fresher faced than she did the day before. She greeted Chloe quietly, and passed her a cup of coffee. “The mask and the makeup was good advice,” she told her. 

Chloe blinked as Marinette dared to offer her a smile before she put her headphones in and started scribbling on her tablet. 

She couldn’t remember the last time Marinette smiled at her without it looking sarcastic or like she was desperately waiting to tell her off. It was....interesting. And different. And probably due to the stress and lack of sleep. Although, Chloe found she didn’t much care what it was or why she did it.

Because a tired Marinette wasn’t a Marinette that Chloe enjoyed seeing. Marinette was always doing something, talking to someone, screaming and being melodramatic over something, and being a star in literally everything. It was abysmally annoying, but it was more troubling to see her not be any of those things. If lycée was going to turn around and throw Chloe for this much of a whirl, she was at the very least going to make sure that the one thorn in her side didn’t go around and change either. 

They settled into a routine of trading off between buying each other coffee every week. Sometimes, Marinette would bring more pastry boxes from home filled with sweets that would keep their attention up, which Chloe heavily appreciated. At first, they were used to just working in silence, but they eventually worked up to the point where Marinette would show her something silly she read in her Literature book or Chloe would complain over the unclear directions her teacher gave while Marinette tried to decode it for her. Sometimes, if Chloe was really feeling nice or hating the sight of Marinette agonizing over an assignment, she’d switch papers with her if it was a subject she was good at. Chloe was a lot quicker with Marinette’s Literature assignments, and Marinette always made quick work of the short paragraphs Chloe had to write for history. It tended to get them out of the library much faster. 

They were three weeks in, and the two of them were, dare Chloe say it, actually civil with each other. 

“Why doesn’t Alya come study with you?” Chloe asked during a short break. “Or anyone else for that matter?”

Marinette shook her head. “She babysits her sisters after school. Plus she helps her mom around the house. She doesn’t have the time, and I’m not going to ask her to sacrifice all that for me. I don’t want anyone to have to suffer through helping me when it’s my fault I’m behind. Besides, you’ll work in a pinch,” she smirked.”

Chloe stuck her tongue out. “Gee, thanks you brat. Why are you always so exhausted all the time? Beauty sleep is a thing, you know.”

“Busy month,” she said vaguely. “Lots going on at home. And other things...”

Marinette wasn’t offering much information, so Chloe didn’t feel the need to be nosy. “Well, at least you’re all caught up now. But, lord, sleep why don’t you. You look like a damn ghost. You’re a pretty girl. You shouldn’t look that exhausted.”

“Thanks I guess,” Marinette said.

“I’m serious,” Chloe said. “Asking for help is a thing. If you’re just going to keep running yourself ragged by keeping to yourself, you’re dumber than I thought.”

It came out coarser than she thought, but Marinette seemed to have picked the sincerity out of it. “I guess you’re right.” She nudged her ankle against Chloe’s. “But if I promise to start asking for help, you have to promise to work on staying focused.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning you’re smart,” Marinette said. “You’re behind because you get bored quickly, not because you’re not smart enough to do this stuff. You just have to find ways to keep you motivated. Keep your attention going. Then you’ll be golden.”

Chloe hummed. “Makes sense....”

“How about this?” Marinette offered. “We’re stuck in these blocks for the next month anyway. You kick my ass and make me sleep and ask for help, and I’ll kick your ass and motivate you to focus on your work.”

“The minute you said “kick your ass” you had me,” Chloe smirked. 

And Marinette actually laughed -- a bright, light-hearted laughter that Chloe didn’t think she’d heard in ages. It sounded foreign and refreshing all at once, and she vaguely realized that she was the one to cause it. 

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Marinette grinned, bringing her coffee cup up for a toast.

Chloe rolled her eyes, but knocked her cup against Marinette’s before taking a huge sip. 

She was sure it wasn’t going to take much effort to get used to this.