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sbtlns · 4 years

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Home, part five

Warnings: mainly fluff, very slight nsfw

A/N: sorry for the delay in posting, a bitch is goin through it! i hope you enjoy the recipe for the depression meal ive been making everyday of quarantine lmao. i’m working on a request that should be done later this week, so send me any requests you have! also if you have any thoughts on where you want this series to go let me know!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Cas carried the grocery bags to the front door where you stood, thumb running over the key that had rested idly on your keychain for three years. After seeing Castiel waiting patiently behind you, you unlocked the door and held it open for him. “Home sweet home, Cas!” you exclaimed cheerfully, taking in your surroundings. Castiel stood still, eyes taking in every detail your home had to offer. “This is a beautiful home, Y/N,” he said softly. “I think so too, Cas,” you smiled at him. “All right let’s put these groceries away and fix up some dinner,” you said, clapping his back and walking into the kitchen. Castiel followed closely behind you like a lost puppy. You sorted through the groceries, putting everything away except what you would be using to cook dinner.

“It’s already late so I’m just gonna make a quick pasta, if that’s okay,” you bit your lip looking for any signs of protest on his face. “I can cook something nicer tomorrow,” you added quickly. Castiel smiled reassuringly at you before saying, “pasta will be more than enough, thank you, Y/N.” You smiled back to him and turned to get some water boiling in the pot. Once it boiled, you dumped in some pasta and then grabbed a pan and set it on another burner. You threw some olive oil in the pan, followed by some garlic, chopped basil, and spinach. Once the pasta was done, you drained it and tossed it into the pan to mix it in with the other ingredients. Castiel stood behind you watching intently. “This smells lovely, Y/N,” he commented. “Well,” you said grabbing two bowls from the cabinet. “Let’s hope it tastes good too.”

You filled both bowls, grabbed silverware, and set it all down on the table. “Here, Cas,” you said gesturing to a bowl in front of an empty seat. He took the hint and sat down while you made your way to the cabinet to grab a wine glass. “Do you want some wine?” you asked over your shoulder. He furrowed his brow, deep in thought. After a few moments he replied, “I’m not sure if I will like it, but I would like to try.” You nodded and grabbed a second glass, filling both with white wine. You made your way back over to the table, setting his glass in front of him. You watched as he took a forkful of pasta and looked at it carefully before taking a bite. You stifled a laugh as his eyes widened, looking up at you and vehemently nodding. “Y/N,” he began, mouth full of pasta. “This..this is incredible!” “Thanks, Cas, it’s just pasta,” you laughed, digging in to you bowl. He took a big gulp of wine and you laughed at the way his face immediately scrunched up. “Cas,” you said between laughs. “You’re not supposed to chug it,” you told him while he coughed, struggling to recover from the burn of the alcohol. “I think,” he coughed, “I think I will stick to water for now.”

After the two of you finished dinner, Castiel was insistent on washing the dishes. “It’s the least I can do,” he repeatedly said in defense to your protests. “Fine, thank you. I’m gonna grab a shower, I’ll be back down soon,” you said over your shoulder as you made your way to the staircase. You walked up the stairs and down the hallway, stopping when you reached the spot where you had found your sister on that fateful night. You shut your eyes, clutching the necklace she had given you before her death tighter to your chest. Taking a deep breath, you made your way to the linen closet, grabbed a towel, and walked into the bathroom. You opened your music app on your phone while reaching into the shower to turn the hot water on. You undressed, singing to your favorite song and slipped into the shower. You sighed in relief as your muscles relaxed into the hot water; you had been driving for so long and it felt good to finally be home. You turned to grab the shampoo when you saw it. The biggest spider you had ever seen in your entire life. Your blood ran cold as a piercing shriek involuntarily left your lips. You desperately tried to back up from it, but lost your footing and you fell, scrambling to get out of the tub. You had just barely covered yourself with your towel and the door flew open and Castiel stumbled in.

“Y/N!” Castiel yelled, eyes wide in concern, darting across the room trying to find your attacker. Not seeing any threat, his brows furrowed as he cast his gaze down to you, dripping wet and clinging on to your towel. Your face was pale and you tried to explain yourself. “Sp-spider in th-the show-er,” you managed to get out, arm pointing behind you. Brows still furrowed, he tilted his head in confusion and stepped toward the shower. He drew back the curtain and found your assailant. He quickly scooped it up in his hands and left the bathroom. You took a deep breath and let out a shaky exhale, trying to calm yourself after making an absolute fool of yourself in front of Castiel. Silently cursing yourself, you stepped back into the shower.

After changing into one of Sam’s old college shirts that came to your mid-thigh and some boy-cut underwear, you walked back downstairs trying to overcome your embarrassment. Castiel was sitting quietly on the couch, thumbing through one of your coffee table books. He turned as he heard you enter the room and gave you a gentle smile. “The spider is outside, where he belongs,” he said assuringly. You gave him a stiff smile, trying to ignore the red creeping up your cheeks. You cleared your throat before saying, “sorry if I scared you I just....” you trailed off, plopping down next to him on the couch. Sighing, you continued, “I know that I literally fight monsters for a living but..spiders,” you shivered. “I don’t do spiders,” you said, cutting yourself off from rambling. Castiel nodded understandingly. “Some of my father’s creations can be...intimidating,” he agreed. You sighed again and shook your head. “Do you wanna do something? We could put on a movie or play a board game, or if you’re tired I can show you your room,” you said turning to the former angel. Castiel thought for a moment. He knew that he was tired and would soon require sleep, but he couldn’t shake the ever present longing to spend time with you.

“I think I would like to watch a movie with you,” he stated confidently, peering into your eyes. Fighting the urge to get lost in his eyes, you nodded and quickly turned to find the remote. The two of you decided on a cheesy looking horror movie, something you and Dean would have chosen for one of your weekly movie nights. You ignored the pang in your heart as you thought about the brothers, instead focusing on the movie in front of you. You settled into your seat on the couch, just inches away from Cas. He glanced longingly at the distance between you before shaking his head and turning back to the screen. A decent chunk of the movie had passed when there was suddenly a jumpscare you hadn’t anticipated. You gasped loudly, jumping at the monster on the screen. Castiel fought the urge to wrap his arms around you, comforting you the way he had done after waking you up from the nightmare you had at the motel. He was about to turn his attention back to the screen when his eyes grazed your newly bare thigh. The big t-shirt you were wearing had ridden up most of your thigh when you jumped, leaving your skin exposed. His eyes wandered up your leg, stopping at the apex of your thighs, still covered by the shirt. Castiel crossed his legs, desperately trying to ignore his tightening pants, and looked back up at the screen. He tried not to think of how soft your exposed skin would be to touch, how your body would react to his hand inching up your thighs, creeping higher and higher until-

“Cas?” Your voice ripped him away from his thoughts. He quickly turned to you, his wide eyes meeting your concerned expression. “Yes,” he choked out. Your features softened and you chuckled. “Did you hear what I said?” He looked down, avoiding your gaze. “No,” he muttered. You laughed again, resting your hand on his thigh. His eyes shot open and he felt his heart race and a blush creeping up to his face. “I said,” you began in a teasing voice, “I’m tired and I don’t want to fall asleep down here. Come on, I’ll show you your room.” You stood up and Castiel watched in disappointment as you t-shirt fell back down to your mid-thigh. He got up and followed you up the stairs to the room directly across from yours. “If you need an extra blanket, there’s some in the cabinet, the towels are in the hallway closet, and.....” you look around looking for anything else worth mentioning. “I think that’s it. Tomorrow I was thinking we could go shopping for some clothes for you, unless you wanna keep wearing the same outfit,” you joked. “If you need anything I’m right across the hall, don’t hesitate to knock,” you said smiling up at the former angel. He glanced around the room before his eyes landed on you, returning your smile. “Thank you, Y/N, you have been very kind to me...more than I deserve I’m afraid,” he trailed off, casting his eyes down to the floor. “Hey,” you began, reaching up to lay your hand on his shoulder. “You deserve the world, Cas. You’ve been so good to me,” you said as he lifted his head, meeting your stare. You stood there smiling at him for a second before removing your hand and saying, “Goodnight, Castiel,” and walking out of his room and in to yours. “Goodnight, my Y/N,” he said softly, sighing as he watched you walk into your room and close the door.

You woke up feeling more well-rested than you’d felt in a while. You got out of bed and made your way downstairs, noting Castiel’s closed door. You brewed a pot of coffee, enough for the two of you to have a couple of cups. You poured yourself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table, reading the newspaper and carefully scanning the stories for any mysterious deaths in the area. You heard footsteps padding down the stairs followed by a yawn and you smiled to yourself. You turned around to greet the sleep ridden Castiel but you were met with a surprise. Standing before you was the former angel rubbing the sleep from his eyes, dressed in just the t-shirt he had been wearing the day before and a pair of boxers that were fitting a bit...snug. Castiel had not realized his predicament until he followed your line of vision down. His eyes shot open and his face burned in sudden embarrassment.

“Y/N, I-” he cut himself off searching for what to say. You looked back up at him with raised eyebrows and opened your mouth to respond before he cut you off. “My vessel..it....I don’t..know...” he stuttered in a panic. You reached out for his hand and took it between yours. “Cas,” you said softly, smiling reassuringly at him. “This is um, a very natural thing for um, for a man’s body..in the morning,” you said awkwardly. He pulled his hand back and hung his head in shame, turning away from you. You bit your lip, feeling for the newly human Castiel. All of these experiences must be so overwhelming for him, especially this. You debated what to do in your head; on one hand you were secretly dying to help him yourself, you had been fantasizing about you and the angel since you first met him. On the other hand, you knew you couldn’t take advantage of him, especially when he was so vulnerable. Sighing, the angel on your shoulder won out.

“Cas,” you said, clearing your throat. “Maybe um, maybe you should call Dean...this is kind of his area of expertise.” Castiel nodded before walking back up the stairs. You sighed to yourself as you sipped at your coffee, trying to ignore the heat that had pooled in your core.

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musical-melatonin · 4 years

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Ha. Feels like I turn here when I'm stuck with my bad late night thoughts.

I've been so drained. I didn't realize how much I was trying to pretend to be okay until I was at work this morning, and my coworker started asking how my family and I are doing.

"We're okay, we've been prepared, she was just a rebellious fighter and didn't want to leave us too soon. We were just a bit surprised at how suddenly it all happened."

She started asking more questions, whether I was close to my grandma, etc.

Only as I answered her today did I realize how badly I've been pretending. I thought I cried it all out that day when we got the call that my grandma had passed. It just turns out I was fooling myself so that I could get through these few weeks as though nothing happened.

I miss her. I have so many things I wish I could have said and done, and I can't stop feeling regretful that I didn't do more.

I'm thankful she's at rest now, but I'm so scared. I haven't seen her since the last time I visited her after hearing her positive COVID news from the nurse. She was so lively, energetic and rebellious as ever trying to pull off the IV drips and walk out of the hospital as she's tried to do so many times before. I swear, we all get our spunk and sass and stubbornness from her.

What will I do? Monday is getting closer and closer, and I'm scared. Scared to see her so still, looking as though she's sleeping but knowing she's no longer there.

I can't convey these thoughts aloud, but words spill from my mind when I write here. I'm not sure when, but I started writing everything as though you would read it. When I first divulged my private Tumblr to you, I found a confidant that I knew would be a silent support during my tough times, and that traveled into after we broke up too.

Even now, I still wonder how you're doing and hope you've been well. Things may not have worked out between us, but I still consider you someone important and one of the best people I've met. I feel guilty every time I look back on the way things ended, because I was the one that drew things out unnecessarily. I didn't mean to hurt you the way I did, but I also couldn't help it once I realized that I couldn't see a future with you anymore. I was just a coward that couldn't say what needed to be said because I selfishly wanted to be happy for a little longer.

It wasn't because of you at all - I still say amazing things about you to people that know both of us because you really are an amazing person and friend. I personally just changed and it was hard to reconcile with that for a while.

But thanks to you, I find comfort even if I'm just talking to no one. I like to think of it as though I'm unloading my thoughts and that at least someone out there can get a deeper glimpse into understanding me.

Even Arnold isn't allowed to see this Tumblr. I've only ever intentionally shared it with you and one other friend I trust to truly understand the darker parts of my mind.

It's not that I don't trust him - I just feel like after some time this place started to become a record of my time with you, and I feel guilty even thinking of showing him old posts I've written.

This is my safe space, the void where I can write endlessly with no precise chain of thought or worry about judgement from others.

At the end of the day, I only come here when I'm at my worst. I've been good for a while, but tonight of all nights my grandma's death has decided to truly sink into my head.

Even my pills aren't enough these days. My doctor is no help - her solution to my anti depressants not working effectively just seems to be "oh, seems like you're not improving. Let's just keep increasing the dosage until we see something happen". These days I'm taking 3 pills every morning, another 3 throughout the day, 1 in the evening and 2 before I go to bed. If the solution was just to keep taking more pills until I feel better, then treating my depression would be a piece of cake.

I'm glad Arnold understands and helps me and supports me, but i don't want to keep feeling like this. Ever since I started actively treating my depression it seems like more and more shit happens everyday. My stress levels are through the roof, my physical strength is giving out on me so badly that I wake up with my limbs shaking uncontrollably and more frequent panic attacks... it's like hell is trying to spite me for doing the right thing instead of continuing to wallow in my depression like I used to.

I do feel like my medication helps though, but I wish shit would just stop for a moment so I can actually enjoy functioning like a normal human being again. Shit hit the fan quite literally this year, so it hasn't exactly been the best trial period for the effectiveness of my pills.

My grandma's death has just been the cherry on top of an already shitty year. Thanks, 2020.

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martisxladyshura · 4 years

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Midnight Nuptials: A Martis x Lady Shura Halloween Couple Fan Concept (Art + Alternate Universe Lore)

Happy Halloween everyone!

I wanted to do something special for the occasion so, with the help of some amazing artists, we made a Devil Groom and Spider Ghost Bride fan skin for Martis and Lady Shura complete with an alternate universe lore 👻

Please enjoy and stay spoopy!

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MIDNIGHT NUPTIALS : An alternate universe skin lore

Cast: Martis, Lady Shura (Eleusia, her real name), Vexana, Leomord (minor but important role), Faramis (minor role)

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I. The Mansion on Devil's Creek

Under the ashened sky of Hallow’s Town, on top of a small hill at the edge of the settlement, beyond the high wrought iron gates stands an old antebellum mansion. This formidable edifice was once owned by Lord Martis, a wealthy nobleman known for his ruthless conquests and draconian governance. Most of the town is made up of lands he acquired either through coin or blood, making him the town’s true founder. However, his name remains unsung for he was more feared than respected. While he was fair in his judgments and never harmed the innocent, he emanated an air of coldness and he was horrifically cruel to those who dared stand in his way. This reputation left him in solitude. Outside of his conquests, he spent most of his time in the cold, darkened halls of his home, tended only by servants.

No one really knows what became of him. Legend has it that in his loneliness, he went mad and tried to harness energy from the depths of the underworld to acquire more power. After a particularly harsh, stormy night, he and everyone in his household simply disappeared and the misty brook that ran across the hill turned red. To this day, the waters remain a deep crimson for reasons unknown. No one is brave enough to venture further up the hills and poke around to investigate this mystery. The towns folks, being incredibly superstitious, took it as a mark of the devil. Whether it was a confirmation of the ritual’s success or a warning to anyone who dared try the same foolish endeavor is uncertain. Nevertheless, this is how the whole area came to be known as the Devil’s Creek.

Years passed yet the mansion and its owner’s reputation live on as accounts of mysterious occurrences persist. The Mad Lord had eccentric taste; he decorated his home with horrific sculptures and paintings of monstrous beasts that are sure to unnerve the faint of heart. But those are nothing compared to the strange tales and tragedies that befell anyone who dared set foot in his home. The towns folks would warn newcomers not to stray near the place, speaking ominously that the Mad Lord still held dominion over the area.

Thus, you can imagine everyone’s disbelief when a stream of magnificent black carriages entered the town and went straight up the mansion. Word quickly spread that the place was purchased by a widow from one of the more prominent cities. The towns folks stirred, curious to know who are the naive, poor souls who bought the cursed land.

II. The New Mistress of the Mansion

The first to step out of the carriage was a dashing but sombre looking young bachelor named Leomord. Upon setting foot on the property, he held out a hand while bowing his head to assist his mistress, the Countess Vexana, in getting off the carriage. She was followed by the last member of this household, her step-daughter Eleusia.

The countess could not hide her disgust and disappointment upon seeing the cold, damp, depressing sight around her. The manor felt more like a prison than a home, paling in comparison to the aristocratic villa she bequeathed from her late husband, Eleusia’s father. Unfortunately, due to her lavish spending and underhanded dealings, her palatial home was seized by authorities and she had to escape to this dreadful town. With her dwindling fortune, the old mansion was the best they could afford to keep up appearances.

The carriages were not even hers! They belong to Lord Faramis, a marquess who pitied and secretly had affections for the countess. He would have courted her but the strange details regarding her late husband’s untimely death made him suspicious of the widow’s propriety. Still, he could not resist her when she came to his doorstep, pleading for help.

The marquess’ men, however, were less empathetic of the family and the sense of dread they felt upon entering the hill was growing. The air was heavy. Everything was eerily quiet and still despite the woodlands surrounding the manor. They hastily and recklessly dropped the family’s baggage then set off, not even looking back. The countess screeched at this blatant display of disrespect, vowing vengeance once she had regained her status.

Vexana had many plans to regain her fortune, one of which included her step-daughter. The countess despised Eleusia with unbridled passion for the young maiden grew more beautiful each day while she was slowly becoming nothing more than a husk of her former glory. But the girl was necessary in securing the inheritance and gaining sympathy when her father died. She would prove useful again. If Vexana could find a wealthy nobleman to marry her step-daughter, the countess would be rid of the girl and the large dowry she planned to demand would take her back to the lavish world of the elite.

For now, they must settle in the old mansion. Since they could not afford servants and not wanting to be seen with her step-daughter as she secretly feared being compared to the young girl, Vexana left Eleusia to do all the chores while she and Leomord went about their schemes.

III. Madness and Longing

Eleusia obediently took to the task of cleaning up the mansion, a nearly impossible feat as time has not been kind to the old facade. She soon found solace among the beasts despite her initial trepidation. Forbidden to befriend anyone lest passions give way to foolishness, the young girl began speaking to the inanimate creatures around her. She would coo and sing as she wiped the dust off them that one would think she has lost her mind if one saw her. There was no way to return the mansion to its former glory, but little by little, Eleusia breathe a bit of life into its gloomy halls.

Her biggest challenge came in the form of the fallen and ripped painting of the mansion’s previous owner, which she found lying face down on the dusty floor a few feet from the fire place of the mansion’s great hall. It was the only portrait she found with a human figure, though the Lord’s expression gave off an equally, if not more menacing air compared to the other works of art in the house.

Parts of the painting were stained and faded, but enough detail was left for her to admire the lord’s features in spite his uninviting gaze. Countess Vexana told her to get rid of it but instead, Eleusia took it to her room and spent her nights trying to sew it back together while talking to it like a friend. She smiled sweetly after finally finishing it one night, though she apologized to the lord for her amateur patch work. It was the best she could do with the common wares she had, after all! She set the painting on the wall across her bed, making it the last thing she saw before falling asleep and the first thing she’d lay her eyes upon most mornings. It quietly observed her as she stitched and weaved other items throughout the night while humming songs her father used to sing to her.

The towns folks admired her beauty from afar but were wary of her presence as they believed she carried the curse of the mansion with her like a plague. No matter how hard she tried to be friendly when she went about the market, none would open their hearts to her. The most she got were concerned, vague warnings about the hauntings in the mansion, which she took graciously but dismissed immediately from her mind.

Indeed, the paintings and sculptures’ eyes feel like they were following her as she went about her chores. The painting of Lord Martis had an especially piercing gaze that she often found herself blushing while undressing in her quarters. Still, they were just works of art, nothing more.

She would also have vivid dreams that slipped from her upon awakening, leaving her with a strange longing. But all this she attributed to loneliness and exhaustion. There was nothing to fear about the house. In fact, she found herself to be growing very fond of it and its silent residents.

What she did fear was her step-mother’s wrath. Her efforts were never enough for Countess Vexana. Everyday, the countess would complain of uncomfortable sleep and nightmares, which she blamed on her step-daughter’s lousy housekeeping: the sheets were heavy and rough, their clothes smelled, the food was under-cooked and tasted raw, and there were insects everywhere! Eleusia tried her best to remedy the problems, but could never find the faults her step-mother complained about.

It did not help that Countess Vexana’s health was declining: her skin grew pale, her hair thinned and she lost a lot of weight, making the shadows on her face more prominent. The worse she looked, the more bitter and fearful she grew of her step-daughter, believing the girl was poisoning and playing tricks on her. Alas! She could not send the wretched child away lest she gave up the possibility of great fortune. Worse still, whenever Vexana lashed out at the young girl, the accusing eyes of the beasts around them felt like they could see through the countess’ soul, see her secrets, her sins.

The countess needed to get rid of the girl soon. She needed to get out of this dreadful place before she completely loses her mind.

IV. Till Death Do Us Part

One day, Countess Vexana returned to the mansion much earlier than usual and in an incredibly cheery mood. She announced that a very important guest would be joining them for dinner! She commanded Leomord to set the table, take out their finest wares, cook the best meal and make the place as welcoming as possible. Meanwhile, she told Eleusia to dress up and look her best, even offering to lend her step-daughter some of her jewelry.

By dusk, a wealthy Earl from a neighboring town arrived. From the moment they met and until he left, Eleusia felt uncomfortable around their guest who was twice her senior. She could not meet his gaze, but she felt his eyes wandering through every inch of her body. She breathed a deep sigh of relief when he left, hoping that was the last she would see her step-mother’s new acquaintance.

Much to Eleusia’s dismay, the Earl began to visit frequently, showering her with gifts she did not want but could not turn down lest she displeased her step-mother. Luckily, their meetings were shorter than the usual courtship. The Earl felt unnerved being in the mansion and the town was bleak with little to offer in terms of amusement. He tried to invite the young girl to his homeland but the countess refused to let her step-daughter go without her.

Eleusia would cry in the evening, relaying unpleasant days she was forced to spend with the old man to the painting of the lord in her room. She would fall asleep on her tear-soaked pillow, soothed only by a cold breeze that gently brushed her cheek and the nape of her neck.

The young girl surrendered all the jewelry and precious stones she received to her step-mother as they lightened the countess’ mood. Vexana meant to prolong the courtship, plotting to squeeze as much as she could from the Earl while looking for wealthier prospects for her step-daughter. But her nightmares worsened since the day the Earl step foot in the mansion, so much so that the delights from receiving new trinkets paled to the dread that constantly filled her heart and mind.

In just a few weeks, Eleusia’s worst fears came to pass: the countess finally agreed to give her step-daughter’s hand in marriage to the Earl, who was eager to have such a young, beautiful wife. Eleusia begged her step-mother to take back her word, but the countess would hear none of it and even accused her step-daughter of ungratefulness.

The Earl agreed to take in all three members of the household to his expansive manor where they can live in complete extravagance. Ecstatic to be rid of the hideous mansion, Countess Vexana thrashed the place a day before their departure to the new town. Eleusia cried helplessly as her step-mother desecrated the house and the silent friends she has grown to love.

The following day, the countess practically dragged her step-daughter to their new hometown, scolding her the whole way through. Arriving at the temporary lodging the Earl had set up for them, the countess locked her step-daughter in a room then instructed her faithful servant to keep an eye on the girl until her wedding day. For seven days and six nights, Leomord heard nothing but crying and lamentations from behind the door he guarded. Despite his loyalty to his countess, the young lady had always been kind to him and his steed. Her suffering pierced a hole in his heart that grew until the dreaded day arrived.

Several maids were sent to prepare Eleusia for the lavish nuptials. The girls giggled as they told the despondent bride of the impressive guest list and the magnificent decors that awaited her.

The company brought with them an elegant wedding dress that fit her form like a glove. After all their preparations, everyone was in awe of the young bride and wished her well as they exited the room. Eleusia could barely wait for the door to close before she fell to the floor in tears, lamenting her last few moments as an unmarried woman.

A few moments later, Leomord entered the room. She thought he had come to accompany her to the church, to her chains. But he told her to hastily grab a cloak and quietly follow him. He could no longer stand her torment and was determined to free her from a lifetime of regrets, regardless of the cost.

He led her to the stables and they rode his steed until they reached the bridge leading out of the town. Leomord got off his horse and told Eleusia to ride as far away as she could. Eleusia begged for him to come with her, but he was resigned to his fate for betraying his mistress. He was doomed the day he swore his loyalty to the countess for he has done dishonorable deeds in her name. He hoped with this act, he would be redeemed in the next life.

Despite the dangers, Eleusia could only think of one safe haven. She knew they would look for her in the mansion but it did not matter. If all was to end, she wanted to be with the only thing she loved and cared for.

A thick fog had set in when she arrived in Hallow’s Town. Her cloak fell off mid way the journey, making her look ghostly through the mist that some folks nearly had a heart attack as she passed. Curious gazes followed her as she went straight up Devil’s Creek and into the mansion.

By nightfall, the streets shook from the thunderous galloping of horses as the countess, the Earl and his men hastily rode up the mansion, their fury palpable. Vexana’s quiet servant was missing from the troupe.

None of the towns folks saw anyone who went up the mansion that day come back down.

The people wanted to believe that the whole company quietly left after taking back the girl. They simply did not see them exit the town for the fog had become unbelievably thick that night. They stuck to that story whenever outsiders inquired of the countess, the Earl and his mens’ whereabouts

But no one could explain the blood curling screeches that pierced through that quiet, fateful night. Nor could they explain how the color of the creek from the hill became a deeper shade of red since the day after the strange events.

Not wanting to linger at the thoughts any longer lest they incur any more misfortune, they let the whole matter rest. Soon, the investigations stopped and no incident occurred for months.

One night, a man entered the tavern looking very troubled. After a few hard drinks, he shared his strange tale. All merriment, singing and squabbles stopped when the words “Devil’s Creek” spilled from the man’s lips. You could hear a pin drop at the silence that overtook the room. Everyone gathered around him to listen.

His eldest son came running home that afternoon looking extremely distressed. The young man and his friends dared his younger brother to go up Devil’s Creek. They planned to catch and scare him in the area near the foot of the hill, but he disappeared. Several hours had passed and they still couldn’t find him.

The man quickly ran up the hill searching for his son. Reaching the wrought iron gates, his legs grew weak and he fell to his knees when he saw his son’s hat on the pavement in front of the mansion.

Mustering all his courage, he went inside, calling out to his son louder and more urgently, his heart racing with every moment spent in these cursed walls.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the young child answer back. He followed the voice, which led him to the mansion’s great hall.

The father’s smile disappeared when his son told him that he had gotten lost, but a beautiful lady in white lead him to the mansion. When the man asked who it was, the child pointed up the wall.

There, on top of the fireplace, surrounded by spiders weaving webs around it was a great portrait, clumsily stitched back together. The Lord of the Mansion gazed down upon the man and his son with coldness.

And peering through the hall with melancholy eyes while clinging on to the arm of Lord Martis was the countess’ step-daughter, looking resplendent in her wedding dress.

#martis #lady shura #mlbbmartis #martismlbb #mobile legends fanart #mlbb fanart #fanart #mlbb #mobile legends #halloween #mlbbconceptskin #couple #otp #ghost bride #devil groom #anime #manga

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vexedtonightmares · 5 years

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last dance (elu ballet au) chapter six

Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.

aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.

i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi.

ao3

tw in this chapter for: eating disorders, implied/referenced self harm & suicidal ideation, depressive episode

Samedi 11:47

When would Lucas ever stop embarrassing himself? He couldn’t believe that he’d actually passed out in the middle of rehearsals. Now none of the instructors would ever take him seriously again, they would think he was incapable of handling all that came with being a ballet dancer. He could only imagine what all the other students thought. Luckily, his friends had been nice about it, but the people he didn’t know as well surely saw this as a sign of his weakness.

He’d been in the infirmary since he collapsed in class, much to his displeasure. He’d awoken briefly after collapsing in class, finding himself in a bed in the infirmary with Manon and Yann beside him. He had reassured them he was fine before the nurse told them to leave and let him rest. The nurse had said he would be allowed to return to his room around noon, and the clock was ticking, so he hoped she would make good on her promise and let him leave.

The good news, he supposed, was that she’d given him something to help him sleep the night before so he felt more well rested than he had in a very long time. He wondered if she would be able to give him some to go.

“Eh, Isak, was it?” the nurse appeared in front of him, holding a clipboard. He sat up a bit groggily and looked at her in confusion.

“No? It’s—”

She cut him off with a hand. “No, no, I’ve got it! Matteo?” He shook his head. “Martino?” Blank stare. “Cris? Robbe?” she tried, looking more unsure of herself. “Shay?”

Wasn’t that a girl’s name? “Lucas. It’s Lucas,” he said, before she could interrupt him again.

She tapped her head with her clipboard as if it should have been obvious. “Lucas! Of course! That was my next guess. Lucas… van Der Heijden, was it?”

Had she taken a dose of his sleep medication too? “Lallemant.”

“Ah, almost got it!” she cried with a wide grin, one that he did not return. Instead, he asked, point blank, “Can I go now?”

She read a few things on her clipboard before looking back up at him. “Well, I don’t see why not! Are you feeling better?”

“Much,” he said, and he didn’t even have to lie.

She bit the corner of her lip and opened her mouth, closing it once before meeting his eyes. “And you, um, you know that you can’t keep doing that, right?”

“Doing what?”

“Not eating… not sleeping…” she trailed off, looking uncomfortable. His stomach swirled anxiously. Who was she to say that he hadn’t been eating or sleeping? Besides, it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t sleep, and, as far as eating went, he would do what he pleased, no matter what bullshit she had to say about it.

He shrugged. “I can’t help it that I can’t fall asleep.”

“How long has this been a problem for you?” she asked, suddenly serious. He shrugged again. “I don’t know,” he answered, “Long as I can remember.”

She furrowed her brows, biting her lip in concentration as she looked at him. “Have you considered talking to someone about your insomnia? Someone who can help you sort through your thoughts?”

“No.” He took a deep breath. That was for people who had actual problems to deal with, not people like him. So what if he couldn’t fall asleep super quickly? It wasn’t like he was the only one that had ever happened to.

“Maybe you should,” she suggested, “I can recommend you someone in the area who specializes in sleep and eating disorders.”

He prickled at her words. “I don’t have an eating disorder,” he said adamantly.

“Yes, Lucas, you do.” The bluntness of her words startled him. He wondered if maybe her visage of incompetence earlier had been an act. “You can’t go weeks without eating and think that something isn’t wrong.”

“I haven’t gone weeks without eating,” he argued. He faintly recalled eating half a salad a few days before, a few crackers the day before that. There was a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him not to eat, that he would be better, look better, do better, if he didn’t, and he couldn’t deny that it was probably right, especially because listening to that voice had gotten him noticed, finally, the year before.

“Lucas, how long has eating been a problem for you?” she asked, ignoring his rebuttal completely.

“Eating has never been a problem for me,” he said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

She sighed, but relented, handing him a piece of paper off her clipboard. “For the next week I want you to catalogue every single thing you eat or drink for me, along with the times you’re falling asleep and waking up. I want to help you, Lucas, but you have to be willing to accept my help. I know that you want a repeat of what happened yesterday just as much as I do.”

He didn’t say anything, but took the paper from her. If worse came to worst, he could just lie, write down whatever it was that she wanted. “Can I go now?”

She nodded. “Yes, but Lucas? Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need help with anything at all. And please do what I’ve told you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will help in the long run.”

He blocked out her words for the most part, responding with a nod and a smile to appease her before getting the hell out of there. It was a bit strange, how the lighting in the building even looked a bit different now that he was well rested.

The door to his suite was unlocked when he tried the handle, which meant that Eliott was probably there. With any luck, he was either still asleep or wrapped up in studying. The moment the door swung open, though, Lucas realized that wasn’t the case.

Eliott looked like shit. Lucas winced, wondering if this was what he looked like all the time. His hair was flopped down into his eyes, gravity winning at last, his eyes were dull and surrounded by dark circles, and he was wearing a frown that looked so out of place on his normally bright and joyful face. He sprung up from the couch as Lucas entered.

“Hey. How are you?” he asked nervously. The only explanation Lucas could think of was that Eliott thought he’d died and was surprised to see him alive and well.

“Fine,” Lucas answered casually, folding the paper the nurse had given him neatly in half. Eliott nodded, mostly to himself. “Did the nurse say why… is anything wrong?” Eliott prompted.

Lucas pursed his lips. “No. Not that it would be any of your business if there was a problem.”

“But she knows about your eating d— um, food issues, right?” Eliott was stumbling over his words in a way he usually never did. Lucas was too annoyed by the entire situation to care too much about it.

“I don’t have any food issues,” Lucas said, trying not to give anything away on his face. He didn’t. Really. The nurse didn’t know what she was talking about.

Eliott’s hands clenched into fists for a moment, relaxing when he noticed Lucas noticing. “Don’t bullshit me, Lucas. You never have and I’m not going to let you start now.”

“I don’t care what you want to let me do—”

“For fuck’s sake, Lucas, I’m serious!” Eliott yelled, stunning Lucas into silence. Eliott raked a hand through his hair, looking up to the ceiling as if trying to find answers there before looking back into Lucas’ wide eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was back to its usual calm, collected tone. “I was really fucking worried. So please, please, just tell me what’s going on so I can help.”

The thing was, Lucas really didn’t want or need Eliott’s help, but he also knew Eliott would see right through his lies. He tried to play it as cool as he could. “She told me to catalogue what I eat and how long I sleep everyday on this piece of paper or whatever. No big deal. It won’t be hard, because I already eat and sleep a lot, so…” Maybe the last part was a bit of a lie, but he wasn’t going to tell Eliott everything. He still hated him, even if he was pretending to care about Lucas for the time being.

“Oh,” Eliott said in surprise, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans, “Want me to help? We can leave it out here or hang it on the fridge or something.”

Lucas furrowed his brows. “No?”

“Why not?” Eliott sounded genuinely curious.

Lucas held his gaze for a moment. “I’ve got this Eli,” he said warily. Eliott’s eyes widened just as Lucas realized what he’d said. Shit shit shit shit shit. It had been years since he’d even thought of Eliott as Eli, what the hell was wrong with him?

“—ott,” he added with a cough, far too late. “Eliott.”

Eliott was still so dumbfounded that he let Lucas pass by and walk into his room without complaint. Lucas shut the door as he usually did, just more gently than usual. Once the door was closed, however, he threw the paper the nurse had given him on his bedside table and clenched his hair in his fists, his mind a silent chorus of fuck fuck fuck.

He needed to get a grip on himself, and quickly. He was thankful that this whole ordeal had happened on a Friday, because then he hardly had to miss classes and, if he did, they were excused, but if he didn’t get control back things would end up worse than he wanted them to. Sure, maybe he should eat more, he could do that. Eat enough that he wouldn’t pass out but not so much that he’d fall behind in his training. That was manageable.

Sleep was the hard part, but maybe if he went back to the nurse he would be able to get pills to help or something. He hated the idea of relying on medication for something as simple as sleep, then hated himself for feeling revulsion in the first place. If he thought long and hard about it, there was probably a reason he hated the idea so much, probably a reason that related back to his mother, but he didn’t think long and hard, so everything was ok.

He flopped back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The nurse had told him the night before that he wasn’t allowed to book any extra studio practices the entire week, which was bullshit. Relax, she’d said, it will be like a little vacation. It didn’t feel like a vacation, but at least now he had no excuse not to do his online classwork.

Getting lost in the ‘principles of biological anthropology’ didn’t sound as much fun as getting lost in his movement, no matter how much he enjoyed science, but it would have to suffice for the time being.

It actually did, for a while, until there was a note slipped under his door.

I made dinner. You don’t have to eat with me, but you have to eat, so I left you some on the counter. I’ll go in my room whenever you want to come out and eat it. -Eliott

There was something at the end of the note that Eliott had so thoroughly scribbled out Lucas had a hard time trying to read it, finally giving up after a good ten minutes of trying. He sighed, knowing he couldn’t ignore the note as much as he wanted to.

Groaning, he opened his door, meeting Eliott’s surprised eyes, fork halfway to his mouth. Eliott nodded to the bowl beside where he sat. “I’ll go, I’m practically done anyway.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Lucas said, surprising both of them. Quickly, he added, “I mean, you’re almost done anyway, so…”

“Ok,” Eliott responded, corner of his mouth twisting up in an attempt at a friendly smile. Lucas pretended he hadn’t seen, taking the other bowl from Eliott and sitting beside him. He was surprised to find the makings of some kind of salad. He’d assumed Eliott would go straight for a huge meal to spite Lucas.

Lucas took a hesitant bite, noticing the way Eliott was trying to pretend he wasn’t watching him. It was pretty good, actually, it tasted like his favorite salad from the café down the street. Actually, maybe it was from the café down the street. “You made this?” he asked Eliott, breaking the tense silence he hadn’t realized was thick in the room.

“Um,” Eliott answered, and Lucas couldn’t help but laugh. Eliott looked offended. “I could have, but Yann mentioned you liked this kind of salad so… whatever.” His cheeks were red and Lucas was still laughing.

“Thanks,” Lucas said, catching his breath. He was surprised to find that he meant it.

“Anytime,” Eliott answered, slightly shocked.

They ate the rest of their food in silence, but this was a companionable sort of silence, a kind that said two people were comfortable in each other’s presence. It scared the hell out of Lucas.

Lundi 8:01

Lucas cast a glance around the room one more time to make sure he wasn’t just seeing things incorrectly. There was no sign of Eliott anywhere. He tapped Imane on the shoulder. “Imane, you haven’t seen Eliott this morning, have you?”

She glared at him. “Remember what we said? No Eliott talk.”

“I’m not trying to shit talk him, he’s just not here and I—”

She cut him off with a hand, nodding to the front of the classroom where Madame Rigaux was about to begin their class. Lucas paid attention as well as he could, but Eliott’s absence stuck out like a sore thumb, and he wasn’t the only one who noticed it.

Lucas had assumed Eliott was already out doing whatever it was he did mornings and nights when Lucas got ready in the morning because there was breakfast waiting for him in the fridge. He supposed Eliott could have made it the night before, but Eliott had been getting up so consistently early that he had no reason to assume he wouldn’t have done so that day. Maybe he’d just overslept.

Lundi 13:26

The day had worn on, lunch break was over, and Eliott still had yet to make an appearance. Lucas had gone out for lunch with Yann and Arthur, not even thinking of going back to his room and check if Eliott was still there.

He was feeling guilty about a few things, the first being that he hadn’t gone to check on Eliott after all Eliott had done to try to look after him over the weekend. Then he felt guilty for feeling guilty because fuck Eliott. If he was gone, Lucas would get to practice as the lead. That led to him feeling guilty for abandoning Imane so readily to rehearse with Manon. He knew that it hadn’t been his choice, and that she bore him no ill will, but still, he probably would have been a bit annoyed if she’d suddenly gotten to step into the role of Odette and left him hanging. Then, hanging in the back of his mind even as he immersed himself back into rehearsals and into the role he’d dreamed of rehearsing, he felt guilty for skipping lunch. Sure, he’d gone out to eat with Yann and Arthur, but neither of them had known the details of his issues, so to speak, so they didn’t comment when he ordered a sandwich he didn’t eat, claiming he was saving it for after rehearsals.

Great, now he was feeling guilty for spending the money on a sandwich he had known he wouldn’t eat. It wasn’t like he just had money to blow, and he could have saved it for something related to ballet that he would surely need soon.

Thankfully, he was back on track in rehearsals and none of the instructors were treating him any different. Actually, they seemed impressed with how readily he’d stepped into the role of Prince Siegfried. He supposed it had helped that he and Manon had spent a whole year partnering together but, whatever the case, he was grateful.

In fact, by the time rehearsals were done for the day, he was so exhausted that he only had time to shower before he collapsed on his bed and fell fast asleep, forgetting all about Eliott.

Mardi 7:59

Fuck, Eliott was gone again. The happiness he should have felt was instead filled by unease. He’d knocked on Eliott’s door that morning, but he hadn’t gotten any response so he’d assumed Eliott was already out of bed and warming up for the day. He wasn’t so desperate yet that he’d go into Eliott’s room. If Eliott had respected his personal space, even when he probably shouldn’t have, Lucas could respect Eliott’s.

He didn’t ask Imane about Eliott that morning, but he could tell that she seemed a bit concerned as well. Lucas tried to brush the absence from his mind as he had the day before, focusing only on ballet and ballet and ballet. It was harder than it should have been, but by the time rehearsals were over he’d managed it.

There was a dish in the sink when he got back to the suite after practice, so Eliott was alive at least. Actually, the light was on in the bathroom, door closed, so he must have been up. Lucas debated waiting for him to finish to talk to him, but then he realized he didn’t really know what he would say, so instead he retreated to his own room, glad that he didn’t have to worry about Eliott anymore. It was getting exhausting.

Mercredi 6:12

Lucas had skipped his run that morning to make breakfast for the two of them, so Eliott had better be grateful. Eliott still wasn’t awake, but that didn’t mean anything. He was pretty sure Arthur had said Eliott rarely rolled out of bed before seven most mornings in years past. Lucas didn’t want to wait that long, but he supposed he could leave Eliott a note before he left.

He’d almost forgotten how good he was at cooking when he wanted to be. He made omelettes that morning, forcing his down with a hint of displeasure, but forcing it down nonetheless and writing what he ate on the paper from the nurse. There was less filled in than she probably would have liked, but much more than he would have filled out a week before. He didn’t know if that sickened or pleased him.

He made his way to the bathroom to fix his hair before he headed out, spraying enough hairspray to make him cough and wave around one of their hand towels to dissipate the smell. He caught his reflection waving the towel in the mirror and frowned, turning the towel over in his hands. There was an odd stain on it, darker than anything they owned should have been. Realization dawned on him and he dropped the towel, running to Eliott’s room and throwing the door open, thankful it wasn’t locked.

He let out a sigh as he realized Eliott was still just sleeping in his bed, nothing out of the ordinary. He’d probably overreacted, maybe Eliott had spilled something in the kitchen and couldn’t find a towel to use so he’d used the one from the bathroom.

Eliott huffed and turned over cracking his eyes open a bit. Lucas froze, realizing that he probably looked a bit odd standing in the middle of Eliott’s room out of breath. “What are you doing in here?” Eliott asked and Lucas could have sworn he felt shivers run up his spine at his cold, dead, tone of voice.

“Nothing, sorry, I just, sorry, um,” Lucas stumbled over his words, unable to find the right ones. “Um, I just thought… doesn’t matter. Are you ready to go warm up?”

“Does it look like I’m ready?” The same harsh coldness enveloped the room.

“No, sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Lucas apologized. Why was he apologizing? Eliott was being rude to him, and he was apologizing.

Eliott still hadn’t sat up, and he closed his eyes again. “Yeah? And what did you mean? Either say what you came to say or shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

Lucas laughed mirthlessly. “You know what, fuck you. Sorry for trying to be a good roommate.” He reused a variation of Eliott’s words to drive the point home, but Eliott didn’t so much as flinch. “I’m going to practice now,” he continued, “You can either join or not, but I’d prefer if you didn’t. The role suits me much better, I think.”

“I’m sure,” Eliott said, and Lucas couldn’t determine if he was being sarcastic or not.

“You’re really not coming to class, are you?” he asked.

“Nope.”

“And why not?”

“I’m sick.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes,” Eliott said adamantly, “I am. Now please leave before I say something I regret.”

Lucas took a deep breath, trying to figure out what emotion he was feeling, and if he should have been feeling it or not. “Whatever,” he said at last, “Your funeral.”

As he left the room he could have sworn he heard Eliott say something else, but he ignored it as soon as he’d heard, not wanting to have an actual reason to worry about Eliott. By the time he’d gotten to practice, he could convince himself he’d heard nothing at all, that Eliott hadn’t opened his eyes once more, looking straight into Lucas’ own, then turned over, burying his face in his pillow, and whispered miserably, “I wish.”

Jeudi 22:34

Eliott didn’t show up to class again. Lucas made him food again. Eliott didn’t eat the food, and Lucas used the opportunity to call him a hypocrite in a strongly worded note left on the coffee table when he went to bed that night.

There wasn’t much else to say.

Vendredi 18:00

Lucas wasn’t worried. Definitely not. There was obviously a great explanation as to why Eliott had missed an entire week of classes. Maybe he was sick after all. The instructors hadn’t said anything about it, which made Lucas think the absences were excused, so he wasn’t worried.

Definitely not.

Samedi 10:53

Yann rolled his eyes and clapped in front of Lucas’ face. He, Lucas, and Arthur were sitting on the couch in Yann, Arthur, and Sofiane’s suite. Lucas didn’t know where Sofiane was, but if he had to guess, he was probably either out with Imane, Idriss, or both of them. “Hello? Have you listened to us at all?”

He hadn’t.

“Dude, where has your mind been?” Arthur asked, stirring his coffee with a spoon. Lucas zoned out on the motion before he remembered Arthur had asked a question.

“Nowhere. Everywhere. Ballet,” he responded, knowing how absolutely stupid he sounded.

Arthur narrowed his eyes behind his glasses. Lucas had never understood how he’d managed all these years dancing without contacts. He had some for performances, but he never wore them otherwise. Lucas didn’t know whether to be impressed or annoyed. “This has to do with Eliott, doesn’t it?” he clarified knowingly.

“What? Why would Eliott have anything to do with anything?” Lucas knew he sounded defensive to the point that it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Eliott always has everything to do with everything to you,” Yann said, not unkindly.

Lucas huffed and crossed his arms. “That’s not true.”

“It is true,” Arthur countered, pointing his spoon in Lucas’ direction. Lucas scrunched his nose and stuck his tongue out at Arthur, which made both of them laugh, forgetting what they’d been talking about. Yann, however, was not as easily distracted.

“Dude, come on,” he said, pleading.

Lucas rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what you want me to say. Everything’s cool with me, I don’t care what Eliott does or doesn’t do.”

Yann didn’t look convinced, but he relented, changing gears. “Ok. Then where has he been all week? You haven’t been milking the fact that you’ve taken over his role as much as I expected, so it must be something serious that even your cold little heart can’t help but feel bad about.”

Lucas’ mind flashed to everything he’d told himself wasn’t a problem, everything he’d been trying to ignore. He blinked it away as quickly as it had come, but he had trouble keeping the blur of emotions he felt out of his voice. “I don’t fucking know, ok! I literally could not give less of a fuck about anything he does, so just let it be!”

“Yeah, you really sound like you don’t give a fuck,” Arthur murmured under his breath, and Lucas seethed.

“What was that?” Lucas asked angrily and Arthur just shrugged. “Nothing,” he said calmly.

Lucas laughed humorlessly. “Nothing? Ok, sure. Why can’t you both just fuck off and leave it alone?”

“Lucas, I just asked a simple question, you’re the one who’s blowing it out of proportion,” Yann said with concern. He gripped Lucas’ shoulder and turned his head so they were looking at one another in the eye. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Lucas, don’t bullshit me. What’s going on?”

He didn’t know, that was the problem. He could have said something, anything about why he’d passed out the week before or the weird toil of emotions inside him because of how Eliott had been acting recently or his worries about how Eliott had been acting recently, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go years hating Eliott only to break down in concern after a week of Eliott laying in bed. Yann didn’t deserve to have to deal with it either. He’d had to deal with a lot of Eliott drama, especially when the two of them had ended their friendship, and Lucas knew that couldn’t have been very fun for Yann to deal with when he was ten.

“I can’t,” Lucas said in a small voice. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Yann and Arthur exchanged a glance. It was familiar, and Lucas hated it. Suddenly he couldn’t stand to be around them. They were going to talk about him and his problems when he left regardless, so why not just get out of their hair right now? Eliott was probably still in bed so he could do whatever he wanted in their room for the rest of the day, still banned from booking extra studio time. He had to meet with the nurse to give her his filled out food and sleep chart in the morning to see if she would lift his practice ban. It really was annoying that the one week he’d been given the chance to perform in the role of the Prince was the one week he couldn’t spend his extra time practicing.

“I have to go,” he said, standing up from the couch. Yann reached his hand out to stop Lucas, but Lucas slipped out of his grip. “I have homework to do that I forgot about,” he continued, knowing it was a feeble excuse but not caring because they wouldn’t believe him anyway.

“We’re always here, you know? If you need to talk about anything,” Yann said as he reached the door. Arthur nodded, eyes flickering between the two of them. Lucas did know that they would be there if he asked, but sometimes he just didn’t feel like asking.

Nevertheless, he threw one last glance over his shoulder and smiled softly at the two of them. “I know,” he reassured them.

He walked back to his room in a bit of a daze, opening the door listlessly only to find Eliott standing at the counter staring at a plate of food Lucas had left for him. Their eyes met briefly before Eliott looked away, back down at the plate. Lucas felt a bit queasy. It was one thing for him to make extra food for a possibly sick roommate that he hated and never know if Eliott ate it or enjoyed it, it was quite another to have to confront the fact that he’d done such a thing.

Lucas watched Eliott carefully as he walked to his room, but Eliott didn’t move an inch. As he stepped over the threshold into his own space he turned to close the door like he always did, then hesitated. Fuck it, he thought, and released his grip on the door, leaving it ajar.

He didn’t pay attention to what Eliott was doing out in the living space, but he wanted to make sure there was nothing to worry about, so he would glance over from time to time, only ever finding Eliott eating his food idly, a bit detached from reality. Lucas focused back on his homework, leaving Eliott to eat in peace.

There was a knock at the open door minutes or hours later, and Lucas looked up to find Eliott hovering in the doorway, one fist raised up against the door, the other gripping his laptop, folded into his chest. The sleeves of his hoodie were pulled all the way down over his hands and, despite the fact he’d done nothing but sleep all week, the circles around his eyes were darker than even and he looked utterly exhausted.

He shifted from foot to foot, lowering his hand from the door when Lucas met his eyes. He cleared his throat, eyes shifting everywhere but Lucas’ face. “I don’t totally understand the science homework, and Sofiane and Imane are still out…”

Lucas didn’t know why that concerned him, but he gestured for Eliott to continue talking. “Um, I was wondering if you could help me? Imane told me you’re good at science.”

Lucas ignored the fact that Imane had actually complimented him, though he would be sure to give her shit for it later, eyes finding Eliott’s once more. “You… want my help with homework?”

Eliott blinked suddenly and turned around. “You’re right, it’s stupid, I can probably find the answers online or something—”

“Wait,” Lucas said, and Eliott paused. “I can… I can help. Just this once.”

Eliott turned back around and broke into a relieved grin. “Really? Thank you Lucas, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Lucas murmured, moving from his desk to sit on the floor. Eliott plopped down beside him and opened up his laptop. Thankfully, the homework Eliott was stuck on was the one he’d just finished himself.

He explained the concepts and helped Eliott find the answers patiently, thinking that this was just like tutoring at any other high school, so he shouldn’t be too weirded out by it. He was sure that if he got stuck on something Eliott would have helped him, rivals or not, especially if it didn’t have to do with ballet.

Eliott listened to him attentively, and eventually began working on his own, only asking questions every now and then when he came across something Lucas hadn’t covered. Lucas was pretty sure that there came a point when they’d both finished their work for the week and were just fucking around doing nothing on their laptops, but Eliott didn’t try to leave and Lucas didn’t ask him to. It was the same sort of silence that had engulfed them the week prior when they’d had dinner together, and it only worried Lucas because he was becoming less and less scared of it.

Later that night they’d brought dinner back to Lucas’ room, both of them knowing damn well that they were no longer working on homework but neither one wanting to be the one that said it.

Lucas could feel himself dozing off after a while and didn’t want to fight it, realizing that it was good that his body wanted to rest, but he didn’t want to kick Eliott out either. Eliott was very plainly and obviously watching a movie now, Lucas peeking over less casually than he might have done if he had actually been trying to be secretive about it. Eliott even turned the screen ever so slightly so they could both see from where they still sat on the floor, a few feet apart.

He didn’t know why he didn’t just say something, tell Eliott to leave. A week ago, or even a day ago he would have had no problem doing just that. But Eliott was smiling for the first time Lucas had seen in a week, and Lucas didn’t want to be the one who took it away.

Somehow the two of them had ended up closer to one another, shoulders nearly touching as they watched the movie, some poetic indie shit that Lucas would never have watched in a million years if not for the circumstance he was in at that moment. It was better than Lucas had expected, though he’d never admit he was enjoying it aloud. Unfortunately, he never found out what happened at the end because somewhere along the way he’d felt comfortable enough to slip into his dreams, curtain of sleep washing over him in a wave. He was briefly aware that his head had fallen on Eliott’s shoulder the moment before he knocked out, but once he was asleep it didn’t matter one bit.

Maybe when he woke up in the morning he would regret letting Eliott into his room at all, but maybe there was a part of him that wanted to wake up in the morning with Eliott’s head resting on top of his, shoulders touching as the early morning light glowed through the windows, illuminating them from the inside out.

#skam france #elu fic #elu #elu ballet au #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant

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salvagestitchrestore · 5 years

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26th August 2019

So I have never written a blog but I wanted to share a bit more of the changes I have been going through since we decided to start trying to make more environmentally friendly choices. Today wasn’t necessarily the day I was going to start writing but its been a day!!

After a bit of a mental break down last year (which if you are close to me you will know about) if you aren’t close to me this is helping my recovery and hopefully helping anyone else who feels they just aren’t good enough or don’t deserve the life they lead and how ive been able to turn it into something positive. Actually it wasn’t a bit of a breakdown (im trying to be honest) for me it was a real turning point in my life, it was realizing that if I didn’t make a change then potentially my marriage would struggle to survive.

If you don’t know me I have two beautiful sons from a previous relationship, Reggie is the oldest (11) and he is the most like me in temperament and Lenny (8) who has the biggest heart of anyone I know, but we were on our own for a little while after separating from their dad and they got me through each day. Until I met my husband, a total chance encounter when I was out on a girls night out with my best friend, that I totally did not expect to result in a wedding (an absolute fairytale) and a beautiful third child, my absolute character that is Alex.

So fast forward a few years to October 2018 where I was helping run the biggest online delivery department in a large supermarket chain (bear in mind this was a role where I started as a shopper just after I finished maternity leave with Alex, and within a year had proved myself and gone through a rigorous training program – that actually I couldn’t be more thankful for, for the skills I learnt and the people I met -) but I started work at 3AM in the morning and although I was supposed to finish at 12:00 this rarely happened, and then I needed to come home and be Mum to a full on toddler and two older boys who were going through some real difficulties themselves and I needed to be there much more then I was physically able to be because to be honest I was just so tired all of the time. What I didn’t realise was that actually this tiredness was actually depression. And this depression had been slowly eating away at me for a long, long time. Now on the outside why would I be depressed? I have a loving and attentive husband, 3 beautiful children and a really good job which is what you put out there for the world to see (social media reality verses actual reality) but in actuality I was drowning.

We made the decision to move from a rented 3 bedroom house into a 3 bedroom mobile home in my in laws garden in January, because we knew that even if I worked full time and so did my husband we could never save up enough to own or own home. We were so fortunate that I have literally the most supportive and loving in laws anyone could ever possibly have, as they were willing to let us move this stonking huge caravan into their garden!!! Not only did they allow this but they have allowed us to basically use the entire garden as if it was our own and we are often ‘borrowing’ items we have run out of from their kitchen!! This did put a huge strain on my bigger boys, (although they shared a room before) they now had to share an even smaller space and they were going through a huge amount of anxiety at their dads house too.

So in the short space of 6 or so months we moved from a house to a caravan, I increased my hours at work and also my responsibility with my job level, my bigger boys moved schools, we moved out to the countryside and into my inlaws garden and our lives changed drastically. Each shift at work became even more stressful, there was a day when I started at 3AM and at 2PM I had locked myself in the back of a van while I called James to tell him I had no idea when I was going to make it home because I had to stay until the job was done, the buck stopped with me and I have never ever been able to give anything less then 100% . That day my bigger boys got home from their dads house before I got home from work, and as a mum you feel so guilty. The guilt never stopped it just built, the guilt where I was so exhausted I just wanted my then 2 year old to have an afternoon nap so I could sleep too, or the guilt of falling asleep while watching a family movie with your bigger boys and not spending the time with them, the guilt of just letting them get away with behavior that normally you would stamp out because you are just too tired too cope and then the guilt of knowing that your husband who is working a full time demanding job has to come home and parent for both of us because his wife is a walking, forgetful zombie. The friction in the house was awful; on one side you have the bigger boys who are lashing out because this is their safe zone because they too are going through it with their dad and their mum is a bit vacant, and on the other side you have a step-father who is trying his best to parent them but also raise a 2 year old to not copy their bigger brothers not so great (for some reason I can’t write bad!) behavior, then there was me… the glue… the only reason all these people were stuck in this miserable situation together.. so I reasoned what if I wasn’t here anymore? Then that would take away this situation, the reason that these 2 sparring factions were in the same house… and this is a dangerous mindset. Add in the tiredness, the constant stress from work, from my wider family unit and the mum guilt of never quite being there enough for each child and then the day, the day I sent my son on a school trip with no lunch… and he was too polite to tell anyone at school he had no lunch because he didn’t want me to feel bad that I’d forgotten, this was a recipe for disaster.

This kind of feels like a tangent, but actually it’s a starting point, like a bit of a cleansing to get it kind of all out (not really all, just like a bit of an overview) but that’s how you get to where the changes began. The call to my husband from the driveway after work, which id left 2 hours late…again… im pretty sure he didn’t understand a word I said through the sobbing, but he left work in an instant and came to me because I needed him and he knew that I did and that day was the start of our fresh chapter. I never did go back to work after that and I take each day as it comes now but I am so grateful that, that day led to our change of mindset and that, that day has led me here. It led me to have the courage to be a ‘stay at home mum’ who loves baking, and helping with the PTA (at our school they are called FOTs) , and annoying the older ones immensely because I help out at everything I can just to give back and to watch them enjoying themselves when they think I can’t see them! And it led me to agreeing with James that we should start something of our own, a business that has grown into a lifestyle choice, which has increased our awareness of the world dramatically and has also helped increase our boys awareness too.

This is where @Salvagestitchrestore was conceived, we began with a small idea of repurposing/ recycling/ reducing to create new things from old and unwanted items and its now nearly 8 months on and we are still going. I know this is not a long time, but to us its huge, and it means so much that families have benefitted so much from our creations and that we have done just a few small things to help the planet along the way.

For me mentally it has meant so much to be able to build a small tiny into a small business and a lifestyle change. It is not a walk in the park and nearly everyday a new challenge is thrown into the mix and lets face it, I know its the same for everyone, but I want to show that we can all pull together and support one another to overcome these obstacles and learn from them and move forward and turn them into a positive.

Ive totally rambled on enough in this!! Im sure I didn’t even get to say what I wanted to say but then that’s the beauty of a blog ive found (being an expert since this is my first one!) that actually its getting the words out and maybe something in here might resonate and maybe help just one person, then this was totally worth it!!

#blog post #firstblog #self honesty #honestmotherhood #lifestylechange #depression #selftherapy #mumofboys #countrylife #towntocountry #one day at a time #happywife #trying to learn #marraige #simplelife #smallbusiness #sustainability #thebeginning

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arielleyoga-blog1 · 5 years

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Do Less

http://www.bu.edu/quantum/zen/readings/keepingQuietNeruda.html

I have been reading KEEPING QUIET by Pablo Neruda in some of my classes lately. It was read on an episode of ON BEING with Krista Tippet, and I immediately had to pause the podcast so that when I parked I could look up the poem and read it. Every time I read this poem, different parts of it come to life for me. That’s what’s so wonderful about writing: you, the reader, get to take what works for you and leave the rest.

Currently, the second to last paragraph is the one that is speaking volumes to me time and time again.

I have been working in some form of care-providing field for over two decades now. I started in elementary school as a mother’s helper, which moved into babysitting and eventually being a nanny for 8 years. During all of that I also have been a manager, an assistant, a bill payer, a book keeper, a dog walker, a pet sitter, an actress, worked in customer service, worked as a bartender…and for the last 5 years I have spent everyday holding space for others as a yoga instructor.

Part of my insane work ethic and juggling of multiple jobs at once has been out of necessity: rent/bills/student debt...the usual. But I must admit that there is this other part of me that has this overwhelming fear that if I don’t work the world will come crashing down around me and I will die.

Sounds dramatic. And it’s yet, it’s my truth.

All I do is talk with clients and students about self care, about how important it is to make time for themselves, to rest, to go to yoga, to put themselves first. And as I sit there watching them flow, I think to myself “How lucky they are to be able to take a yoga class...I wish I could take a yoga class.” Because my truth is that I put them, I put my job, I put income before myself.

Living this way for over a decade, has for sure caused various burn outs: emotional breakdowns, physical breakdowns, all the typical signs of somebody that needs to take care of themselves. Body pain, depression, migraines, panic attacks...you know, the stuff most of us live with pretty regularly. And even with those experiences, even with the knowledge of the importance of self care, I've always kept going because my worth, to myself, has been SO intrinsically tied up to how much I do in a day.

We live in a culture that glorifies the grind, that encourages hustling, that celebrates the fact that we are all doing too many things at once, not so slowly destroying ourselves and the world around us at the same time.

And I’ve had enough.

I don’t want to wake up exhausted every day, I don’t want to live in a world where people feel like they need an IV drip of coffee all day, I don’t want to be a mom that shoves a phone in her kids face or has a phone in her face when her child is asking for attention because I’m too burnt out to even care for the one who needs me most, I don’t want to be a wife that is too tired to connect to her husband, I don't want to wake up in my 60s and feel like my whole life was a blur. I found myself on Sunday nights wondering what happened (not just about GOT, but like in general), and gritting my teeth to get to Saturday again.

That’s no way to live.

And that is what this poem is speaking to me: TO DO LESS. That life is not about how much you do, but it’s about HOW YOU LIVE!

To take my dog on a long walk without my phone. To read a book on the couch, until my eyes get heavy and I take a spontaneous cat nap. To start blogging! To do yoga! OMG TO DO YOGA! You guys: I’m an instructor and for the first time in TWO YEARS I just took TWO yoga classes in ONE week! I am so busy training people and driving around LA that I don’t even have a personal practice. And that’s embarrassing.

When I decided to start this blog I asked for post ideas: and one that brought up a lot of shame for me was: “How you find time for your practice in your day.”

Well, I don’t.

Or rather, I didn’t. But this week three clients are out of town, and I’ve been reading that poem over and over.

That poem came to me last week after I started actively asking the universe to allow me to do less.

I have found that when I truly need or want something and I am too afraid to make the first move, eventually, the universe gives me a little shove. A few weeks ago, a morning class of mine got moved. And with that one move, I took a few steps that were difficult and scary for me because they required me to put myself first and to vocalize it: to my husband, to my mom, and to a client.

But now... two days a week I can sleep past 5:30am!!! One day a week, I do not drive the over 20 miles one way into LA at all!

I am doing less...and that is allowing me to do more!

But not more for the sake of doing more. But, because I prioritized myself, I have more energy. More energy to cook, to get stuff done around the house, to be efficient, present, and joyful. I get to BE more, and learn and explore what that brings up for me. Which, at times, is a lot: I absolutely have to talk myself off a ledge sometimes when I don’t have a completely full calendar for the day. I’ll sit there and think what I can schedule in. And then, I stop myself. DO LESS! These two days a week I am not up at 5:30am: I’m only two weeks into it, and so it’s going to take me some time to embrace the space! But I’m trying!

Living life is about BEING yourself, and loving yourself, and living a life that feels good. Not a life that flies by that you were too busy hustling to enjoy and appreciate.

America is one of the wealthiest countries in the world, and yet we have the HIGHEST rate of unhappiness. Yoga has also BLOWN up in the Western world over the last decade in ways that I won’t even begin to bore you with. But it’s exploding. And do you know why? Because whether you’re taking a yoga sculpt class, a kundalini class, yoga and spin, restorative yoga, yoga with wine, yoga in a sauna...YOGA IS WHEN YOU GET TO JUST BE. You’re not on your phone, you’re not working, you’re not talking...YOU ARE JUST BEING YOU. You’re listening to your body, you’re honoring yourself, you’re breathing consciously. AND THAT FEELS GOOD.

IT FEELS GOOD TO JUST BE.

In a country where we are inundated with success being linked to an image of extreme material possessions, where we work without boundaries because our cellphones have brought our bosses into our bedroom, where we are being fed food that’s fast and inflames our organs so much that we walk with aches in a fog so thick we can’t even make eye contact with the person in front of us yoga is spreading. Yoga is spreading because that image of success we are force-fed on plastic spoons that destroy our planet covered in GMO’s, is giving us the ability to breathe over the noise. To see through the fog. To redefine our idea of success.

Success is not about having, it’s not about doing. It’s about being.

So I’m going to take the towels out of the laundry, walk Dusty (my really cute pug), and do a little less before my evening classes.

I would love to know what you don’t have time for that you wish you did have time for, and why.

Sometimes, when we can write out what we want and what’s stopping us: it’s easier to see that it’s really US standing in our own way of feeling good.

Say it with me: My worth is not dependent on how much I do, how much I make, if I have initials after my name. My worth was given to me the moment I was born. I deserve to feel good and to live a life that feels good.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

#wellbeingcoach wellnessblogger arielleyoga livewellwitharielle doless selfcare selflove yoga workingonyourself bestversionofme

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doomedandstoned · 5 years

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The Curious Case of Dr. Sludgelove and His Awesome Cosmic Adventures

~By Billy Goate~

There's something to be said for the enduring power of a Stanley Kubrick film. There's no denying his potent storytelling, especially when it's inspiring a new generation of bands to write music about 2001: A Space Odyssey. I mean, wasn't that movie released in the late-60s? It's tech is dated, as are much of the effects, yet here we have young musicians writing minor epics about Dave's star-tripping Jupiter run, raging apes, and that gosh-darned monolith. Hmmm, well if you look at your typical Sunn Amp, it's no wonder. Thing is a picture of solitary grandeur, to say nothing of its omnipotent, knee-bending sonority.

In our last globe-hopping journey, we landed in Mexico City where we met a band called MOONWATCHER, known to project scenes from the film while playing open amphitheaters at the dead of night. Our travels next take us to Hungary, a scene I've sorely neglected over the years. More specifically, we're going right into the heart of the action: Budapest. It's the birthplace of the great pianist-composer Franz Liszt, who is arguably the first rock star for taking his solo piano performances on the road, which ignited the swooning throngs.

Some of you may have been exposed to the Hungarian doom-stoner sound already and not even realized it. Bands like Apey and the Pea, for example, have demonstrated that Hungarians like their music spicy, served up with verve and gusto. I decided it would be a good time to open up the window and take give you all a peek at this world through the eyes of a band I stumbled upon at random a few weeks back, who endeared themselves to me almost from the start with their name: Dr. Sludgelove. C'mon, how can you not love it?

Another thing I admire about the band is their dedication to concept. The presser they sent out was helpfully annotated with scene-by-scene narration of each track, which I've decided to share with you as I walk you through them. Finally, we're going to meet the band and find out what they can tell us about what it's like to be Doomed & Stoned on their side of the planet. Buckle up, boys. We're about to take a ride with a pair of wild men out into the final frontier.

Dr. Sludgelove is:

János Papp

Attila Temesvári

János Paronai

This is the story of their excursion into the universe of Stanley Kubrick, relayed in their own words.

My Space Odyssey

I. Dawn of Man

This is the first song off of Dr. Sludgelove's debut album, inspired by the Stanley Kubrick movie 2001: A Space Odyssey. In this song, humanity has just been born. Apes are living their everyday lives, which is just about struggling, fighting for food, and finding a place to sleep. They gather into groups -- the groups are fighting with each other, as well. The Earth during these times is very unfriendly place, with big and wrathful storms. Green can be found barely in this region and the vegetation is not very rich.

At some time, in the morning a big black prism is just appearing in front of our group at the ape cave. The shape, color, and smell is just something that has never ever been seen on this planet before. It is a monolith. An ape shows interest at once, as he caught sight of it. He moves closer, wants to touch it, but at the same time he is afraid of the unknown. He starts to dance around it. Others are appearing, as well, but they have bigger fears and choose to watch him from a decent distance. After a while, our hero just decides to tap on it. Then after some quick taps, he constantly touches the Monolith, but nothing visible seems to happen.

My Space Odyssey by Dr. Sludgelove

After some days, the ape finds some bones of a guinea pig, which are just lying in front of him. He starts to play with a piece, but he realizes after a while what he can do with it. He holds it high, then smites it with all his power. At this moment, he realizes how to use something to achieve bigger force than he is able to provide with his bare hands. He has just started to use a tool! This is also the start of the intellect, which drives humanity to reach bigger and bigger improvements. The Monolith gives the possibility of having a better, more developed life than the miserable life of apes. This moment starts everything, a pathway to the modern person's future.

II. Discovery One

In this second song, humanity is in space, travelling between planets in the Solar System. There is a base at the Moon, which can be visited by the average person, as well. Traveling in space is not such a big thing any more.

My Space Odyssey by Dr. Sludgelove

After discovering the Monolith in the surface of the Moon, a group of elite astronauts and scientists start their travel to the planet Jupiter to discover an anomaly, marked by the Monolith on the Moon. Most of the scientists are in hibernation, though two astronauts are awake during the long journey to supervise. An artificial intelligence, called HAL9000 is supporting them, dealing with all the low level controls of the spaceship.

III. HAL-9000

In this song, HAL-9000 reveals his true colors, as he tries to kill all astronauts on the spaceship. Dave Bowman, the last astronaut, decides to switch off HAL's intelligence to stop its influence controlling the whole ship's whole ecosystem. During the switching off operation, Dave needs to wear a spacesuit, as maybe HAL will try to kill him by providing no oxygen. Because of the spacesuit, we can hear Dave breathe during the entire track. This gives a sense of great tension to the whole song and originally for the movie scene, as well. We can hear as HAL tries to convince Dave that everything is alright and it will have no problems continuing the mission successfully.

My Space Odyssey by Dr Sludgelove

In the meantime, Dave pulls out computer cards from HAL's central unit, so HAL gets more and more simple-minded. At a certain point, HAL tries to convince Dave by appealing to his emotions as it states it is AFRAID! During Dave's actions, the music is heavy, a really metallic riff suggests that Dave is doing some harmful thing to HAL. When Dave finishes with the shutting down process, HAL goes into standby mode. Then he starts to "sing." This is the first thing that was taught to HAL back in the day, when it was created by its instructor, Mr. Langley.

IV. Alone Into The Void

After Dave Bowman successfully switches down HAL9000's high-level functionality, he continues the mission and heads towards the direction of Jupiter to investigate the enormously big copy of the Monolith found in the Moon. This is the focus of the fourth song. His colleague Frank Pool and all of the scientists held in deep hibernation were killed by HAL 9000 and the connection to Earth is also cut.

My Space Odyssey by Dr Sludgelove

During the long journey, therefore, he is really alone. The way to Jupiter lasts for long months. He tries to focus on the mission, but because he is lacking communication partner, Dave thinks a lot about his future, what he will find next to Jupiter, how the Monolith will behave, what will happen when he encounters it. A lot of questions and a lot of pressure on him and the prospect of the unknown drives him to depression, as he prepares to meet his doom.

V. My God, It Is Full of Stars!

For the fifth song, astronaut Dave Bowman encounters the Monolith. He says the following phrase just before losing contact with Mission Control: “The thing’s hollow -- it goes on forever -- and -- oh my God! -- it’s full of stars!”

My Space Odyssey by Dr Sludgelove

During the journey, he sees these stars as flashes, as the known three dimensional world falls apart. Time, direction, and all the usual physics does not make sense here anymore. Bowman is transported via the Monolith to an unknown star system, through a large interstellar switching station, and sees other species' spaceships going on other routes. Bowman is given a wide variety of sights, from the wreckage of ancient civilizations to what appear to be life-forms living on the surfaces of a binary star system planet.

VI. Death of Man, Born of The Starchild

After a journey through the wormhole, Dave Bowman finally arrives during the last song. The Monolith creates an environment for Dave to exist in that would not harm him in any way, making it look like a hotel room filled with familiar items to assuage any fear and appear welcoming.

Dave can't believe what he sees, but leaves the pod and explores the room in his suit. He sees the telephone and telephone book, but the phone doesn't work and the telephone book is blank.

He explores more and finds the refrigerator, where there is a variety of packaged food, but it is all "blue substance, about the weight and texture of bread pudding. Apart from its odd color, it looked quite appetizing." There are clothes in the closet, which are a bit out of date for Dave's time.

My Space Odyssey by Dr Sludgelove

Dave decides to trust the environment. "But this is ridiculous," Bowman tells himself in the novelization by Arthur C. Clarke. "I am almost certainly being watched, and I must look an idiot wearing this suit. If this is some kind of intelligence test, I've probably failed already. Without further hesitation, he walked back into the bedroom and began to undo the clamp of his helmet. When it was loose, he lifted the helmet a fraction of an inch, cracked the seal and took a cautious sniff. As far as he could tell, he was breathing perfectly normal air." He eats the blue food and drinks the water, showers, dresses, and he turns on the television.

Refreshed and exhausted, Dave lies down on the bed, turns off the light and "...for the last time, David Bowman slept." The Power behind the Monolith then transforms Dave into the Starchild, the next evolution of man.

Encounter With Dr. Sludgelove

I'm afraid 'My Space Odyssey' has only whet our appetite for more from Dr. Sludgelove. Where does the band go from here?

We are just starting to dive into the Hungarian stoner/doom/sludge scene. Our first release is more than a year old, but the needed band members have just been recruited. We started to rehearse and were able to find rehearsal room, so a lot of technical problems were solved in the last few months. Now we are planning gigs more gigs, after performing for the first time in this configuration during the spring. We are mostly close to Baby Gorilla Records and bands like Third Planet and Lanterni. We are planning gigs together first in Budapest, after that probably in some bigger cities around the country. Our one year goal is to be a band in Hungary that's invited to support a bigger foreign name, when such an act comes to play here. Our second album also will come out around the summertime, with the help of the sound engineer of the well-known band Red Swamp. Also merchandise, CD, and cassette releases are planned.

You mentioned a couple bands from the Hungarian scene. What are some others that doomers and stoners might check out?

Maybe the biggest name nowadays is Apey and the Pea. They usually play to sold out parties in Budapest, tour the whole country, and perform in foreign countries and festivals more and more. Their first releases were more grunge and stoner, then they delved into doom and sludge. Their most recent release is sludgier and contains thrash elements, as well. They are the best in Hungary right now.

Some other names worth checking out are Red Swamp, Lemurian Folk Songs, Űrhajó, Grizzly, Lanterni, Entrópia Architektúra, Alone in the Moon, Mighty Manlifter, and Third Planet, just to name a few top of mind.

For outside bands looking to tour through Hungary, what are some good booking agencies?

There is Baby Gorilla Records -- overall, really nice guys. They are managing and representing around 8-10 bands in the stoner, sludge, doom, noise, and prog rock subgenres. Also dealing with record releasing, of course, in addition to artwork, and organizing label nights, where their bands are usually supporting bigger names from foreign lands. While we're not on their label roster, we played one of their label nights in May, supporting the British band Famyne.

Thulsa Doom Booking is another one. They organize gigs for smaller foreign bands. Also they have their own group of bands, which they manage. They organize the underground festival called Thulsa Doom Fest, which you might have heard of.

Cudi Purci Booking is a bigger fish in this pond. They organize gigs with big foreign bands in the genre, like Elder, High on Fire, that kind of thing. They also organize the so-called Desszert Fest in Hungary.

What are some places that people like to hang there?

So, I'm listing some places where metalheads usually go out. Durerkert hosts a lot of live gigs in all rock and metal genres. This is a really cool place, we like it very much.

BARhole Music is the place where today's "rock stars" go to hang out in Budapest. If you want to meet with members from bands like Apey and the Pea, you will likely bump into them there.

Három Holló is a coffee house and restaurant at daytime, a cultural gathering at night -- including host to a lot of heavy music gigs and festivals.

Gólya is a cozy little place, which has lots of possibilities for smaller bands in our genre to perform live.

Follow The Band

Get Their Music

#D&S Reviews #D&S Interviews #Dr. Sludgelove #Budapest #Hungary #Doom #Sludge #Metal #Sci-Fi #2001: A Space Odyssey #Stanley Kubrick #Doomed & Stoned

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kylo-ren-writes · 6 years

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Attraction, Epilogue

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, Epilogue

Pairing: Kylo Ren x Reader

Warnings: uhhh, angsty I guess? Age gap, time jump.

Tag List: @beautifulbows924 @celestiaelisia @bluudhavens @majestic-sith-queen @kyloren-supreme-ben @samarantha @kirah34 @redhairedfeistynerd @drtiberiussith @hoe-for-daddywise @bisexualbitchbabe @hostofthefirenation @ayatimascd @fralackles @imyourdreamwife @kylos-sassy-cousin @blxkstar @thesquidni @kylosskywalkers @ymariejp @sassyspacepizza @the-illustrator-of-melodies @just-another-starwars-fangirl

A/N: well, everyone. This is the last part to this series. I’m so happy that I decided to rewrite it and that many of you enjoyed it. Thank you very much for reading it and I hope to write more series in the future! But for now, I hope you enjoy this last part, and do forgive me for taking a bit of time to write it! (Gif not mine!)

You sat on your small cot in your even smaller cell, with your legs crossed and your back against the wall.

A whole year. A whole year today, exactly. You did not keep track of the days that passed, only guessed... and got a hold of stormtroopers who you compelled to tell you the date upon asking.

It was almost a surprise that that much time had gone by already. But yet, at the same time, you weren’t surprised at all. The days spent in your little cell all blended together, so even though it was almost hard to believe, it also made sense.

Head tilted back against the cool, dirty wall, your eyes closed as the memory came back to you. It was a day that you held onto even though it had been painful, and still was painful to think about. But it was real, something more real than all the time you spent on the dark side and in the First Order. You were determined to think about it everyday so it would not fade. And so you wouldn’t forget a certain face, or rather, forget what a certain someone looked like.

The thought of forgetting the face of the man who’s name you did not bother to think about anymore was almost terrifying. It was a fear you had created inside your head, a fear that made you replay all the prominent features you could remember so clearly even a year later.

How could you forget him, anyway. He was more than unique, with his dark head of curls and waves, whose softness you could just barely feel on your finger tips. Light, pale skin that contrasted against his locks, almost making him look sickly with how it exaggerated the dark circles under his eyes.

It made you smile, remembering the tiredness always evident on his angular face, knowing that he never quite got enough sleep. And smiling even more when you remembered the sleep he had gotten with you that day when he had revealed it all to you and had become one with you.

You had a mark in the wall, near the end of your cot where you had estimated his height from what you had remembered later on, cause he was so very tall and that was not a detail you wanted to forget. Nor did you want to forget the muscle that added build to his body, evening out the otherwise scraggly look he would have had without it.

The way his strong arms wrapped around you, keeping you safe in his embrace, against his chest while he muttered how he was going to protect you from then on. If only he had known how much that wasn’t true.

But the features about him that you remembered most, those and others, like the golden brown shade of his eyes or the fullness of his pink mouth, was what kept the last memory of him that you forced yourself to remember, so vivid. That memory was certainly more preferred to the other one, the one that twisted you up inside.

After waking up from the long nap turned sleep that morning, you had woken up alone to a cold, empty bed. Kylo had not been there, you hadn’t felt him anywhere within his quarters. But that hadn’t initially alarmed you.

You had stayed in his large bed for a bit longer with your face pressed into his pillow, breathing in his clean scent and remembering what had happened between you many hours before.

Now that was another good memory, but only one that you saved for special nights that left you especially... lonely and sad.

After you were done with the ‘burying your face into his pillow’ and remembering, you had gotten out of his bed with a stretch of your limbs over your head and headed into his bathroom. The reflection you saw in the mirror above the sink looked like a different person. You had felt like a different person, a happier person. At least in that moment. It was the after part where you had changed out of his shirt and back into your own clothes so you could go back to your room and change, when things took a turn.

The minute you had walked out of his quarters after folding up his shirt nicely and leaving it on his bed, when you had been seized.

Three stormtroopers led by the one and only Kane, who you had barely seen much of over the last few weeks prior, and was even more surprised to see then, took hold of your arms tightly. One limb in each of their two while the third trooper stood behind with Kane and his annoying smirk standing in front of you.

You couldn’t remember much of Kane in your memory, or really much of the rest of this memory, but it still pained you regardless. You mostly remembered being taken away to a ship and Kane’s normal cruelness as the reality of what had been going on set into your brain. Kane didn’t need to explain it to you, although he did anyway because he wanted to, what was going on. You were being sent away.

That is exactly what had happened. You had been taken away to who knows where and kept in this little, dirty cell which had a regular rotation of troopers to make sure you stayed in.

It had been depressing, it was depressing, but you weren’t dead. Although, at times, you certainly wished you were.

The worst part of it all was the fact that you could not feel His presence through the force anymore. The minute Kane and his trio of stormtroopers had seized you, the connection and bond you had newly shared with him had severed. It had almost been a crippling feeling, a deep pain that had not ever gone away and at times felt linger strongly. At those times, you liked to entertain the idea that maybe it was Him trying to reach out for you through the force. It gave you comfort even though you knew it wasn’t true.

You missed him more than anything, but like most pain, it had lessened over time.

Now, even though you still made time to remember him, almost treating him as if he were dead because if you were honest, it felt like he was, you still tried to keep your mind busy in other ways.

You liked to read and gain knowledge, even though you did not need to learn anything anymore. Your lightsaber had been taken away by Kane and it wasn’t like you could really practice anything in your small space. But over the year, you had managed to acquire some old books from stormtroopers you had compelled, and read them. All of them you read more than five times at least.

Light exercise was another way you tried to keep your mind busy. Even though you couldn’t do much, you still tried to keep fit in what little ways that you could.

Then of course the two meals a day that you got and your sleep were the other ways in which you kept busy. Eating was a distraction and sleep was an escape. And when more time had passed during your time in the cell, the nightmares you had over it almost stopped. You barely had them anymore. It was mostly just deep, dreamless sleep. But you didn’t mind, not at all. Better than the alternative for sure.

Right now it was the time before breakfast when two stormtroopers switched places and another brought you your tray of food.

It was the time you reserved for remembering and for him, the time you allowed any and all thoughts to wander recklessly. It reminded you of meditation—something you rarely did now—with how deeply you fell into your thoughts. At times you wouldn’t leave your mind until you got taken out of it by a clanking from one of the troopers as he banged on your cell. At those times you were sure that it could have been meditation.

That didn’t happen today, however. You pulled yourself from your thoughts quite easily and tilted your chin back down as you opened up your eyes. You were done remembering for today, or at least the morning. It was time for breakfast anyway... or at least you thought it was.

You had gotten pretty accustomed to waking up at the same hour everyday and calculating the in between time of the shift changes of the troopers as well as breakfast, in your mind. A trooper had left but one had not come to take its place. It was odd but sometimes it did happen, so you kept your gaze on the opposite wall and waited. Your thoughts stayed empty, only counting the seconds up until five whole minutes passed. After that, you turned your head to the side, towards the door to your cell, and furrowed in your brows.

Why were the troopers late? They were often punctual and on time, and surely even your breakfast would have been delivered by now.

Pushing yourself up from your bed, you stood, a few feet away from your cell door. Nothing seemed to feel off, only quiet. Although you never really bothered to tap into your force abilities anymore. There wasn’t much of a point. But you couldn’t ignore the sudden feeling in your head that something was indeed off.

You listened carefully, to the quietness that filled your small space. Your cell was down a narrow hallway, so you could not see anything other than another cell opposite of you that was empty. But what you couldn’t see, you could hear, and you certainly were not hearing things when the abrupt sound of footfalls sounded out on the floor.

Your shoulders sagged and your expression relaxed, no longer confused nor concerned. It was the trooper taking the other troopers place. With that in your head, you returned back to sitting on top of your cot, your legs dangling over the edge of it and a book in your hands. You might as well read a bit while you wait for breakfast.

That’s what you did. You read, ignoring the sound of the footfalls and not even noticing how differently they sounded to the traditional troopers. It wasn’t until the “trooper” was standing in front of your cell that your peripheral picked up on the darker attire of the person that you assumed had been a stormtrooper.

Fear picked up in your mind, your heart beat beating quickly. It had you frozen in place as you dared not move or even twitch an eye. A stranger was in front of your cell, something that was not customary. Something that was not protocol. But a voice inside of your head urged you to lift it, to look up at whoever was here, to see them. And so you did, and the sight of them made you drop your book onto the floor.

A dream, this had to be a dream... no, a nightmare. Only a nightmare could produce something so cruel and awful for you to see. Although what you could see wasn’t awful to look at, but it was painful.

Kylo Ren stood there, in front of your cell, dressed in different clothes from what you remembered and with different hair.

You couldn’t help your mouth from parting open and the stare you had on his face. Your expression a mixture of disbelief and horror. He looked the same yet different. His skin was still pale but it held a... scar? And his dark hair wasn’t as curled and styled as you remembered, rather more wavy and stuck to his head, framing that same angular face. That face that looked even more tired than what you remembered.

Kylo stared at you as you stared at him, mirroring the same expression as his eyes flitted over your face and body. You knew that you looked different, too. Thinner with longer hair, although you did not know what your face looked like, you hadn’t seen a mirror since that day. You imagined you had to have looked pretty much the same with only little differences. Just like him.

You seemed to stare at each other, taking each other in, as the minutes ticked by. But this time you weren’t counting the seconds. Somehow you managed to find your voice, and the first thing you could only manage to mutter was: “are you real?” It had been a strangled sounding sound, but they were words regardless.

“Are you?” Kylo croaked out in a reply, although his voice had sounded stronger and deeper. His. The sound brought instant tears to your eyes.

You nodded slowly then carefully stood back up from your cot, keeping your gaze on him as you willed your legs not to give out on you. Your head already felt like it was swimming.

“I... I’m r-real,” you stuttered out, a single tear managing to escape your eye and trail it’s way down your cheek, dripping off of your jaw onto your shirt.

Kylo was quiet, so quiet you feared that he really wasn’t real and that this was a nightmare after all. But then he turned his gaze towards the panel on the wall that could authorize your release by opening the door of the cell. You weren’t thinking of that, however, only of him and keeping your eyes on him as you barely kept yourself up on your feet. Your legs felt like jelly.

Your cell door opened seconds later and you still did not notice, until Kylo was suddenly moving closer as he rushed to you, everything feeling like it was moving in slow motion. One minute he was too far from you, the next you were scooped up into his arms, barely able to breathe with how those familiar, strong—stronger—arms engulfed you into a too tight embrace. That’s when you broke, allowing the tears to fall from your eyes as you frantically wrapped your arms around his neck, him lifting you off of the ground.

A sob broke out from your throat and Kylo quickly hushed you, pressing your face into his chest, underneath of his chin, as he held you up and against him. It had been so long since you had felt him against you, since those arms had embraced you, since you had heard his voice. You missed him even more than you knew.

“H-how... how...” you tried, but Kylo only hushed you again, pressing a hard kiss to the top of your head.

“I’m here, I’m real,” he assured. “I’m real. I’m real.”

You couldn’t help the relief you felt over his words and how reassured and soothed you felt by them. It was him, it was really him. Kylo was here and holding you now. “B-but how—“

“I killed Snoke,” Kylo cut you off. “I killed him, he’s gone, and I’m sorry it took so long for me to find you and get to you, but he’s gone. You’re safe.”

Safe. You were safe. Snoke was gone. Kylo killed him. Kylo killed Snoke.

It was a lot to process, but at the moment you couldn’t care less. Not with how Kylo was here with you now and you were in his arms. So you only nodded slowly and briefly, legs wrapping around his waist as you figured out how to move them again. You believed that if you clung onto him, that he couldn’t possibly disappear.

You could feel Kylo turn and him carry you, presumably out and away from your cell. You couldn’t even think about your books you were leaving behind, but those didn’t matter. Not at this time.

Kylo carried you down the hall and out of it, up a narrow set of stairs to the ground floor of the base you had been kept on. It was an old base belonging to the First Order that didn’t serve much purpose most days. But it was the planet that served the most value, as it offered many resources and allegiance to the First Order. The base was only a necessary aspect of it.

Stormtroopers he had brought along waited there for their new Supreme Leader, and the ones stationed there stood aside and out of the way.

You kept your arms firmly around his neck and your face pressed into his chest as you remained unaware of your surroundings or of what was happening. All you chose to focus on was Kylo and how he felt against you, so warm and hard, and comfortable. No, comforting.

Kylo quickly carried you out of the base and onto his command shuttle, the well trained stormtroopers following behind like the soldiers they were.

The crew didn’t need to be told to take off, and that’s how you realized that Kylo had carried you onto a ship. You felt the familiarity of taking off, something you hadn’t felt in a long time, and you finally pulled your face away from his chest. Just enough so you could glance and skim your eyes around the ship, and look up at him. He was seated on a bench with you on his lap.

One of your arms unwound itself from Kylo’s neck, and your hand rested on his jaw, making him look down at you.

By then your tears had dried and your sobbing had stopped. You still couldn’t believe that he was really here, but you were working on it. Like now, with how you were staring up at him. Up close you could see the moles and freckles that dotted his face, a detail that had somehow slipped your mind from your memories. You couldn’t help the frown that turned down the corners of your mouth slightly.

“What’s wrong?” Kylo asked immediately, hugging you closer to him.

“I forgot about the freckles and moles on your face,” you said softly, throat a little dry and hoarse from crying.

Kylo leaned his face down and rested his forehead against yours. “That’s alright.”

“No it’s not.” Your frown deepened. “I made sure that I wouldn’t forget you and what you looked like, but I forgot something so important.”

Kylo pulled his forehead away and replaced it with his lips. “It is alright,” he insisted. “You will never forget them now or anything about me, because this time there is nothing or no one that can possibly take you away from me.”

Your frown turned into a small smile. “You sound so sure.” He did, and it helped you relax, but you could not help but be skeptical.

“I am,” Kylo said confidently. He was right, no one could take you from him. “I’m the Supreme Leader now, I run the First Order.”

You were surprised, but you knew that you shouldn’t be. After all, he did kill Snoke. Your smile got a little bigger and you hugged him, arms wounding back around his neck. Kylo hugged you back, chin resting on your head.

“I will tell you everything, I promise,” he muttered. “But not now. We have so much time and right now I want to spend some of it holding you.”

You had to agree with him, but you didn’t respond, only snuggled into him to show him how much you agreed.

This time you felt the surety in his words. But unlike before, you had an overwhelming feeling that this time everything was going to be fine. You could live out your lives together. Kylo was going to be your master and train you again in the force. He was the ruler, he didn’t have anyone to tell him what to do. Not anymore.

Peeling your face back from his clothed chest, you looked up at him again as he raised a dark brow. You smiled, then lifted your head, pressing your lips against his in a soft kiss.

Kylo kissed you back, harder than you kissed him, but you didn’t mind. It was a kiss to make up for not kissing again since that day. It was a kiss that was nice and something you wanted to replicate and evolve on many, many times in the future. And you would.

For the first time in the life you could remember, the only life you knew of being here, in the First Order, you felt happy. It would have otherwise been a foreign word to you, but right now, it was the only appropriate word. Because you were happy, more than happy. And the cause of your happiness was Kylo.

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xxkaonashio1xx · 5 years

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Today was a really bad day...

I needed to be up early, to get to my mom's by 850-9. But I couldnt sleep the night before, so when I finally did go to sleep, I didnt want to wake up. I go to mcdonalds like I do every single day, get a coke. Soon as I drive away from the window, I drop it. All. Over. Myself. I was pissed. I got to my moms at 930. Woke her up and bam... She was in a bad mood.

Got an email, that totally pissed me off...

Got an update saying my phone was going to get shut off... Pissed me off.

Got a bad phone call... Pissed me the fuck off.

I broke down.. In fucking tears. Over thinking, panic attacks like crazy. Then I leave to go to my boyfriend's, just so we can take a nap together... That was the best thing I had heard all fucking day.

Get in my car. Check engine light comes on... Dont know why.

Then I get on the expressway, gas light comes on. Get off to get gas... They are packed. I'm still crying from before, in house shoes, and sweat pants and an over sized hoodie... If I go in there I'll choke the fuck outta someone.

So I call my boyfriend, ask how many miles he thinks I should have so I dont run out of gas. Finally get to this small gas station, where noone ever is, [thank god] and I get gas. Without being bothered.

The absolute worst fucking thing about depression and anxiety is that you cant help when it comes up. On the way to my boyfriend's house I was pleading in my head "dont ask me if I'm ok". Because as soon as he asks me that, I will explode into tears... Like ugly cry. My luck his dad and sister would be there to see it all too.

Writing helps me alot... I can never tell people how I am feeling when put on the spot. But I will text it to you, or write it in a letter all damn day.

One thing that has been bothering me alot lately, is that I am no where in life. By 24, I see my friends doing all this cool shit, and having babies, married.. Whatever. Im over here working two jobs, trying to get by, not enough hours, not enough pay. Can't pay all my bills, don't have money to get me through the week, no money for my doctors visits, or medications... Its embarrassing too. I use to have two amazing jobs, would have enough money for all of my shit, I was independent, didn't have no worries... I was good.

Another thing, and I know it shouldn't bother me... But it fucking kills me... Is my dad. I dont know my dad like I should, I dont see him, hes not around anymore. He moved an hour away to be with this woman who I can not fucking stand... And her 4 ungreatful children. Theres so much I would love to say to him... So many hurtful words, but I know that as I speak those words to him, I would cry. He doesnt deserve to see the pain I have from him... Not like that.

My boyfriend helps me so much... And I don't tell him enough how much he helps. Just letting me come over to his house everyday... It gets me up, and moving and I feel better. I can breathe better (literally). I am stress free around him... It's only been almost 4 months but it feels like a long time. Ive known him since 4th grade, we lost track of each other, and after I moved home from my divorce in 2016, we found each other again. Talked as friends until 2018, we've been crazy about each other ever since. He gave me a ring on the bus in 4th grade, and I still to this day, have that thing. Ive moved 16 times in my whole life, and never lost it. Now it all makes sense. I realized that he was the one my heart was waiting for... The ring is a proven fact, I held onto it for years. 💜

Even just talking about him... He makes me feel better. Ive never had that before.

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1suebop · 5 years

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My depression story- November 2018:

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor with any medical training except for my own personal study and experiences. Please consult your own very experienced physician about any medications or treatments that are specific to your situation.

Hello, friends. I am a 51 year old woman who resides in Oregon in the US. I’m a mom of five healthy children and have been married for 30 years. So, yes, a very blessed life—no severe tragedies in my life thus far to cause severe MMD/TRD. My personal, and unprofessional, belief is that depression comes from either an outer tragic experience, a deep poor mental perspective, or a physical anomaly – or any combination of the 3. I deeply wanted to share the story of my battle with depression for the past 17 years because it is with great hope that someone out there will read it and get (real) information from a (real) human being that has been through a lot of treatments and medications.

I am going to try and hit the highlights quickly:

I had had postpartum depression after each of my five babies that always took a few months but eventually disappeared. That is, until baby number five, when the start of 17 years of depression began.

My OB recognized the signs and immediately put me on an SSRI. After 4 days, the sun came out! I was completely sold on medications at that point. Sadly, it pooped out after about a year.

We moved to Oregon then and I had to start over with a new family doctor, then a psychological nurse, then my first psychiatrist. (as of now, I’ve had 3 psychiatrists here in Oregon).

All of the medical personnel, I believe, did the best they could with the training and experience they had. However, there was a particular class of medications that no one ever offered me : MAOIs (specifically Parnate or tranylcypromine). In my humble opinion, this is a travesty against human kind. If you have the time, research it and see its success rates. Also, a super experienced doctor in Australia named Ken Gillman, whom I’ve had the pleasure of Skyping with, has a very thorough web site on MAOIs called psychotropical.info.

A bit more of my medical experience : I’ve been on so many different antidepressants and meds to augment them, that I couldn’t possibly remember them all. I do remember a lot of switching, titrating up, and complete experimentation. After being on a combo of Effexor (venlafaxine—AND PLEASE READ BELOW WHAT I WROTE OF THE WORLD’S MOST AWFUL DRUG!) and Abilify, my doctor was so desperate (as I was) she included the amphetamine, Vyvanse, which worked great until I had hit the maximum dose and it just wasn’t enough anymore. She then added Adderall to the mix. Again, Adderall needed to be increased in time to get the desired effect. I now had officially become a drug addict in my opinion. Oh, and Klonopin (clonazepam) combined with Clonidine to be able to sleep at night – no surprise there. I also do not want to leave out that I have had a psychotherapist for 2 years – one of the best things to come out of this trial (and he has become my very dear friend as well).

EFFEXOR (VENLAFAXINE) NOTE: While this particular drug may appear to be just another antidepressant, it is NOT! I know that it is effective for some and possibly worth the risk. But please do not go into it blindly. The physicians that prescribe it (I believe) do not know about the withdrawal effects. To name a few which last for 6 weeks to many months after the last dose: sever nausea, sweats/chills, constant brain “zaps”, body aches, and even more severe depression had it not ever been taken at all. I have contacted the FDA about this drug in hopes that at the very least, physicians, and therefore patients, will be fully informed of the chance they are taking. I personally am NOT a fragile flower (my liver can metabolize just about anything) and I swear to you, EFFEXOR should truly be taken off the market.

In the last 12 months…. I have withdrawn from Clonidine, Abilify, Adderall, Vyvanse (pure h***), and continue to withdraw from Effexor (its been only four weeks, so I am still suffering ). I’ve done TMS (which I HIGHLY recommend, even if it’s wonderful effects only lasted two weeks for me, it may be the magic bullet for someone else). 10 treatments of ECT (completely ineffective, and the memory loss and heartbreak have been horrible). But I’m still, however, hanging onto my dear psychotherapist!

There was a psychiatrist that was present during my detox off of Vyvanse up in Portland (I took the route of an IV Nadh treatment for a week) who was the first person to suggest the MAOI (Parnate). Be alert, if you go hunting around on the net about MAOIs, you will get a ton of dated misinformation (even on WebMD and Drugs.com) that will scare the heck out of you. Please, again, check out Dr. Gillman’s site: psychotropical.info for the most up to the minute research on this (perhaps magical) medication. If you research long enough (as I have) you will discover exactly who knows their pharmaceutical business and who does not. It truly is shocking.

Current update, Nov. 18th, 2018, (which I will continue as time goes on) : My current meds are 25mg of Parnate- my awesomely open minded doc is titrating it up very slowly. The therapeutic dose is 30-60mg, so while I cannot say yet that I have finally won the war, my hopes are pretty high. But I will update one way or another soon. Right now, every day feels like an eternity—Note: I took my last dose of Effexor 4 weeks ago and then had to have a “washout“ period of about a week. The only clear sign that my body is responding to the Parnate is miserable insomnia which is very common. (FYI: I figured out that a combo of 75mg trazodone and 1mg of clonazepam works like a dream, pun intended!- and it is completely safe to take with Parnate).

My suggestions if you ever go this route:

*always keep in mind this is a LONG process, so don’t give up!

*be super careful with drug and food interactions. MAOISs CAN KILL you, but the information on the internet is old and exaggerated—so study up!

*get on top of your sleep. It’s the only break from the suffering you will get.

*small doses of caffeine have been my friend. And Klonopin/Clonazepam, once I got my sleeping under control, helps give me a lovely nap everyday.

*I only read about this recently, so it’s a little late for me to try it, but it should be known that patients who are switching from an SSRI/SNRI to Parnate, can (it’s safe) use Nortriptyline as a bridge while coming off one drug and starting the MAOI to ease the withdrawal symptoms. This idea is totally worth looking into.

*please find a belief system: God, Buddha, the Universe, whatever. You WILL need it in those dark days.

*And please know that you are not alone. Ever! You are important and worthwhile. I personally care about each of you (if only for the fact that I’m your sister in suffering) and totally believe that a happy future is in store for you.

Love and hugs, Suebop

I’m going to post this letter on a few depression forums… so you may bump into it more than once. Sorry!

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almasidaliano · 3 years

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Mental Health Matters

i am not okay. .. and that is okay. it's okay not to be okay sometimes. it's all okay, even if it hurts. you have to always remind yourself that it's okay even when it hurts because it is always going to hurt.

imagine waking up, and for no reason at all wanting to die. imagine every day being that way until they start to run together and then it just becomes this on going day that goes on forever, and you go from waking up every morning to greeting the sun with a sign because once again you've failed to die.

i'm not always sad, i always have SAD learn the difference. SAD: Social Anxiety Disorder. thought that was it? nope. ready for the list?

SAD - SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER GAD - GENERAL ANXIETY DISORDER SP - SOCIAL PHOBIA CLINICAL DEPRESSION GENERAL DEPRESSION SEASONAL DEPRESSION (DID - DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER BPD - BI POLAR DISORDER) PTSD - POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER INSOMNIA BULIMIA NERVOSA

welcome to my mental health rant. as if life doesn't already fuck us enough. the best people are mad. so i try not to let it fuck with me too much. but everyday is a battle. i mean a full blown war, one that isn't always visible from the outside.

anxiety is like extremely heightened awareness. you are just aware of everything, every possible variable that could apply to a scenario pops into my head and just spins. making decisions feels impossible. trying to express myself. having so many forms of anxiety means i question and overthink everything. i get flustered easily. i chuckle nervously a lot. since i have been diagnosed since i was a freshman, ive learned some coping skills to get through the days. they backfire though because most people think i am fine and dandy.

the depression is killer. no cap, i think i could handle it if it weren't for the anxiety. like when im trying to get myself out of bed, i don't need depression on my chest and anxiety in my ear about all the bad things life brings, and how im a failure for not getting up, pros and cons of life. there is so much pressure to live and it damn near impossible to die. like deadass, when you fr tryna get out this mf, life laughs at you in the face.

FUCK BIG PHARMA.

if i need meds i can medicate myself. the meds they would give me made it worse. it was like i was a zombie. numb and fatigued. that's when the light dimmed. and family just knew they would help and so they dimmed and dimmed and dimmed my light. i lost drive, i lost will power. all that was left was this empty vessel.

can you imagine asking for help and being gaslighted? or dismissed. they threw pills at the problem. i said they didn't work they said keep taking them. then they said you need to talk to someone- crazy i kept trying to talk to them. no one had time to hold me together; still my pieces always managed to keep them steady.

when it becomes to much i just stop. i just don't. sometimes i don't really resonate with my vessel. they call that dissociative identity. i dont really think i dissociate though so....

the waves of bipolar disorder are hectic for even myself. i dont know where the emotions be coming from. i dont know why its like click pop off. i have no idea. thats how my body responds. i try to just be quiet, but silence makes me ache i have to get it out. i think its cause i have so much buried already. i feel like a burden or an issue when i try to express myself so i tend to keep it to myself if possible. i feel the anger. my body gets hot. if i suppress the anger i cry, then the depressions back. depression is never without anxiety and that mf gotta make it impossible for me to calm down then its like how do i explain this right? so people know whats going on? lol i try to explain my feelings but it just be seeming like everyone thinks im overdramatic and doing too much. its exhausting to have to feel so much all the time.

trauma makes life the hardest. the ptsd takes your mind back to those moments. how do you climb out of your mind? when you open your eyes and you know where you are but it's not what you see. when you can see, inreality but that's not what you think. when the people with you keep trying to ground you with their voices and you hear them, but they sound distant. trying to get to them, its like they can't get to you. so you feel it again. like a fresh new wound. and then you try not to relapse because its old news, with new bruises.

appetite left when my confidence did. i still throw up from time to time. everything comes in waves now. i try to eat, but it typically makes me nauseous or i get full fast. i rarely ever have a taste for anything, i be drinking stuff steadily.

i stopped sleeping because the night terrors were too much. minds are this unlimited storage space and i would love to empty mine out. i swear i am horder of memories. i think ive forgotten things, i try to forget them, and yet they find a way to wound me again. letting go is the major key to mental health. letting things be what they will be.

one thing i have learned, happiness does not last. it won't. nothing can. nothing does. that doesn't make it any less worth it though. you have to push for something. and knowing this is what happiness, to some extent is supposed to feel like, its a reminder that everyday i fight that battle and i win. and i will find happiness within again. and it will leave again. and i will let it go. and welcome it when it comes back, thats how the cycle goes.

this was just a rant. be nice to everybody because you don't know how close they are to the edge. and if you know someone who jumps, for once support them. meaning rejoice their memory, don't say they shouldve been stronger or they were selfish. let them know they are loved and never alone. because when you are on that ledge, all that's running through your mind is all the people who will be hurting now, all the things you didn't get to do, you sit there contemplating if you are really capable of being selfish now.

people don't kill themselves because they feel like no one's there; that isn't what is meant when they say i feel alone. they mean in a room full of people. they mean when they go to their support system and still feel the same so they just decide to act like its all cool and end the conversation. its like, i know what i have and its all i need. family love support is all we need. administered correctly, i think it could save any life. blood don't always constitute family. and love is hard to find. if the support isn't sturdy, the bridge comes falling down. just be sure to tell your mental health friends youre proud of them for staying. ask them to always stay. and if ever they cannot go on, whisper into the air "you did good."

believe it or not we all feel the same pain. its just dressed up in different ways. so be mindful, pay attention. when someone's talking, do more than listen; comprehend them. support and uplift them. if there's a friend in need, be sure to be the thing theyre missing.

keep going. its not too late.

-Almasi

ps: should ever anyone need, you can always find a friend in me.

#mental heath support #excerpts from my heart #mental disorder #hope speaks #always keep fighting

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sammlethal · 4 years

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Why would she break up again? I had to be at my mothers to see my dying grandma tomorrow so im sorry I'm staying the night, but im only staying the night here and not with you because I KNOW I wont wake up in time. And you know so too! What am I supossed to do? But LOOK AT ME....doing everything that I can to get back to you despite what I need to be here for tomorrow. Ive called everyone I know, waking people up. Its raining and sick and my body hurts but I'll walk the 4 miles I dont even care. Its late and I'll bring a pillow and a blanket to sleep on your porch if i get there and your asleep. I just dont know what to do and everything hurts....the thought of losing you is killing me again. The thought of letting my family go and not being here also sucks. Is it that she has another man? Is that why she keeps breaking up and coming back? I never ask to break up and i hate it and I hate losing you. It seems like all I do is lose you, get depressed over it, cry the night away and then fall into this sort of haze where nothing truly matters and I love this ghost of you. When you sent me to prison for two at least I thought you hated me and I would never see you again. I grew to love these memories of you. You were songs and after a time yeah it sucks but I became happy and i was okay....not like the first time you left and I drowned myself in booze. I settled into this uneasy love affair with you, and you were no where. I forgave you. And thought nothing but how I would give anything to be with you again. Then I go through some girlfriends till I find one that has a heart of gold, because your the person who first showed me what a real heart of gold was. So i find her and then you come back and I go FUCKING RUNNING TO YOU. And yeah im not perfect i know but...who really is? How can I keep doing this? Every single time you get stressed, or anxious or anything other than happy, you break up with or we argue about all these things that I'm doing wrong or not doing at all and its every day. But I dont ever leave you. I admit to my mistakes when I realize its a mistake and I try to be a better man for you and our son. I've begged you so many times to just open up and talk and all you say is that your not a talker or not right now or your not in the mood and, how the fuck am I supossed to get things right all the time if you wont speak? Read the room? Read your mind? Or we could try comunnication you know.

Look babe. I love you. More than myself. Think about it, your are always hurting me so bad with this break up nonsense and pointing out all my flaws no matter the size, everyday. You would think it was ME breaking up with YOU. But I smile and I hold you and like tonight before i left, I touch you. I rubbed your feet. I rubbed your legs.

As soon as I get home now we are done? Why? You instantly blocked me and wont even tell me why? What did I do? What about our son? Like....what? I'm just so lost and I have no way to even get a hold of you because you answer calls and blocked me everywhere and I just really dont know what to do besides tag you in this and hope it lets me and hope you see it. I just really really love you and all this is silly and can you please tell me if its that you have a man thats better or if this has all been on long way to get your payback for 2016. I just dont know. But my belly keeps flipflopping and i cried to my best friend and just dont know what to do anymore. I don't want to think these thoughts I have. I dont want to feel the heat from these emotions and I'm so tired of runny noses and tears. Especially because I'm so confused and so in actual love with you.

I just dont know anymore. I want to be loved by you. Just you baby girl

@liliwrath

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d-erica · 4 years

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worth living

Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.

#selfworth #recovery #mystory

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