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zoemurph · 6 years

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to have a friend, chapter five: $98

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

happy birthday to myself heres a mess of a chapter thats literally ALL over the place but i do what i want

ive been watching the gbbo cause ive been super sick and now i will now project as i do with everything else. speaking of which, everything thats been mentioned happening in school in this fic has happened!! that applies to this chapter too!! isnt public school fucking wild

warnings: anxiety, anxiety/panic attack, some suicidal thoughts, let me know if any other warnings should be added

enjoy!

“Do you usually walk home?” Evan asks, following Connor out of the school.

“Yeah.”

“Do you not— do you drive?”

Connor gives Evan a weird look. “Why?”

Evan shrugs. “I don’t— I mean, most people drive. That’s a thing. That teenagers do. Jared drives. A-Alana drives. Um…most of our senior class drives, e-even if they don’t have a car. The juniors drive. Some of the older sophomores drive—”

“And are incredibly annoying about it,” Connor interrupts.

Evan ducks his head. “Not as annoying as the freshman.”

“God you’re right.” They stop at a stoplight and wait for the walking light to turn. Connor runs a hand through his hair. “I have my license, but I’m not allowed to drive right now.” Evan frowns. “Why not?”

Connor takes a step off the sidewalk and looks down the road. “Come on,” he says, motioning for Evan to follow. He takes long strides as Evan rushes to catch up. “Parents. Mom’s worried about me driving high or hurting myself. Larry’s worried about the car.”

“O-oh.”

Connor furrows his eyebrows and glances down at Evan. “Don’t worry about it, Hansen. I don’t care what he thinks.”

Evan nods. “Right. Right, duh. Of course you don’t.”

Connor shakes his head. “By the way, did I mention that my mom thinks that you have a really garbage immune system.”

“She does?” Evan asks in surprise. “W-why?”

“Word vomit.” Connor makes a face. “My bad.”

“I mean…” Evan pulls on the straps of his backpack. “That’s not— Anxiety can like…really screw up your immune system? Um…stress is bad for you. And I’m…always stressed.”

Connor snorts. “No shit.”

“Yes shit,” Evan mutters. “Cold season is a ni-nightmare.”

“Drink more tea,” Connor suggests.

“Wow, never thought to try that before.”

Connor laughs. “Okay, fine. I’ll let you suffer on your own then. Have fun being sick.”

“Being sick is the worst .” Evan steps closer to Connor to avoid a puddle. “B-because if you’re sick you miss class and then you miss work and everything starts piling up and then you have way too much work to do and then you’re failing out of school.”

Connor is quiet for a second before he says, “I don’t know, I skipped most of school last year and I’m still here.” He tilts his head as he looks at Evan. “I think you’ll be okay.”

“Okay is relative,” Evan murmurs.

“Anyway I wanted to warn you in case my mom starts shoving fucking…vitamins or a ridiculous amount of citrus fruits at you.” Connor steps onto the street as the sidewalk ends and casually walks in almost the middle of the lane. “She can be really…”

“Worried?” Evan suggests.

“I was going to say aggressive, but that word is nicer.”

“Hm.” Evan can’t really remember the last time his mom really fussed over him. It sometimes happens in quick bursts when she’s home, but she’s never home enough to really worry about him. She refills his meds when he needs more, she leaves him money for dinner, she pushes the scholarship applications. He can’t really imagine her trying to get him to take vitamins or eat oranges or anything like that.

Evan shakes away those thoughts and focuses on the walk to the Murphys. It’s nice. The trees have started to change color with the turn of the season and it’s starting to get colder. Not too cold, but cold enough that he has to start bringing a sweater to school. They’re only three days into October, but Jared has already started yelling about Halloween.

Evan looks at Connor out of the corner of his eye. It’d definitely be too weird to ask what Connor is doing for Halloween. He’s probably going to go out and get high or something. That’s what most teenagers do on Halloween, right? Go party and take advantage of illegal substances?

Evan will probably just leave out a bowl of candy on the steps and watch TV. That won’t be too bad. Or different from what he’s done for the past few years.

“Mom’s really into seasonal decorating,” Connor says when they get to his house. He nods to the autumn wreath hanging on the front door as he pulls out his key. “There’s a fine line between classy and tacky and I don’t think anyone in my family knows where it is.”

Evan smiles. “I think it’s nice.”

Connor huffs. “You would.” He opens the door and bends down to pull off his boots. “I’m home!” he shouts as he leans against the wall to undo the zipper. “Evan’s here too.”

Evan toes off his sneakers and moves them next to Connor’s boots. Connor had slipped him fifteen dollars this morning instead of ten and asked if Evan was free after school. Evan never does anything other than homework and therapy, and therapy is a Wednesday event.

Cynthia pokes her head out of the kitchen as they pass it. She smiles at Evan. “Hello, Evan! Are you two hungry?”

Connor looks to Evan and Evan shakes his head. “N-no, I’m good but th-thank you!”

She nods. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Let’s go.” Connor leads Evan up to his bedroom. He tosses his backpack onto the desk and kicks a few things on the floor into what is sort of a pile of things against a wall. “I’d apologize for the mess but I don’t give a shit.”

Evan wonders if it’s weird not having a bedroom door. It seems uncomfortable. “I-I don’t mind,” he promises.

“Cool.” Connor bends down and picks up a mug from the floor. He looks inside and makes a face before putting it on the desk.

“What’s that?” Evan asks. And a better question is probably, should Connor wash it or just throw it out. Sometimes it’s not worth it to try and save dishes and the best option is to just toss them with whatever disgusting thing is growing in or on them.

“Paint water,” Connor says. He pushes the mug further away from the edge of his desk. “It looks like puke. Probably need to clean it.”

“You paint?” Evan asks in surprise.

“Not really.” Connor pulls out the desk chair and then leans against the edge of his bed.

Evan hesitates before he sits down in the chair. “I-I didn’t know you liked art.”

“I don’t. Art is the fucking worst.”

Evan blinks. “Uh…okay?”

“It’s hard ,” Connor almost whines. “Like…what’s the fucking point?”

“I don’t know,” Evan admits. “I’ve never really…done it outside of elementary school art classes and those were… I mean, we drew shoes that one time? Do— do you remember that?” Their art teacher had brought in a giant shoe because her husband’s company made custom shoes for basketball players, whose feet were so big they couldn’t buy shoes in a normal store. Now he wonders if the shoe was that big or if they just seemed big to second graders.

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “Yeah…yeah I think I do. She made us take off our sneakers and put them on the table. And Josh Powers threw his at Marcus and hit…who’d he hit?”

“I think it was Rachel,” Evan says slowly.

Connor narrows his eyes. “Which…which one?”

“The…redhead?” Evan sometimes forgets how many kids in their grade have the same names.

Connor groans. “ Which redhead?”

“You know multiple redheaded Rachels?” Evan asks, mostly just amazed that Connor knows people in their school beyond people he interacts with.

“It’s not as bad as the Olivias,” Connor points out. “I remember there were three in class in fourth grade.”

Evan snorts. “In third grade I had two of the Zacharys, two Hannahs, and two Joes.”

“ God .” Connor sits down on his bed. “Thank god the other Connor is in Zoe’s grade. I refuse to deal with that shit.”

“Elementary school was— it was…something.”

Connor nods. “Yeah. Lots of things were thrown.”

Evan doesn’t mean to, but he starts laughing. He claps his hands over his mouth and stares at Connor with wide eyes. “I’m sorry!” he says, voice muffled by his hands.

Connor rolls his eyes. “It’s fine , Hansen. I said it. And there was a lot of things thrown. Shoes. Dodgeballs. Printers. Bats. Rocks—”

“Tables at the principal.” Evan says.

Connor stares at him. “Wait what?”

“Uh…” Evan rubs the back of his neck. “Fourth grade. We had a project where— we were supposed to make an earthquake proof building out of whatever the teacher gave us and we— Well we made our own construction companies up? It was part of the presentation and one of the kids in our group didn’t like the name we chose and he started getting really really mad and the teacher called the principal and when the principal came in he threw the table and the project at her.” He meets Connor’s eyes. “Um…you-you weren’t the only one to uh…maybe have some anger problems? When we were growing up?”

Connor crosses his arms. “Growing up? Just growing up?” Evan would be nervous, except for the smile at the corner of his mouth.

“You never threw someone into the chairs in the cafeteria and beat them to a pulp,” Evan whispers.

Connor straightens. “You saw that?!”

“Part of it. Heard more of it. Jared got a video.”

Connor whistles. “Shit, man. Sometimes I wonder how I’m the school freak when we have shit like that go down.”

Evan laughs nervously. So yeah, some guy in their grade sent a kid to the hospital for making a move on his girlfriend, and there were a group of girls who got into a fight at the mall, and some other kid who got suspended for bringing a knife to school and doing knife tricks during class. But still, Connor Murphy has always been the one everyone is afraid of. “I th-think it’s the black clothing and long hair? M-maybe?”

“You can jump on the haircut train with Larry,” Connor says, shaking his head, “but I’m not cutting it.”

“I like it.” Evan feels his ears burn. “It’s— it fits you.”

Connor stares at him before smiling slowly. “Thanks.”

Evan ducks his head. “Um… Can you— could you show me…any of your art?”

Connor sighs. “I guess.”

“I— You don’t have to! If you don’t want to you shouldn’t— I didn’t mean to pressure you into—”

Connor stands up and reaches for something on his shelves. “Hey, Ev, don’t worry about it. It’s fine. The world won’t end if you look at shitty doodles.” He grabs a spiral bound sketchbook off the top of his bookshelf. “Don’t expect anything actually good.” He opens the sketchbook and flips through it. “Here.”

Evan takes the sketchbook from Connor. The right page is filled with a bunch of drawings. A few are half finished, others barely made it past a rough outline, but a couple are more complete. In the corner there’s a drawing that’s been completely scribbled out with such intensity that Evan wouldn’t be surprised if Connor broke the pencil while doing it. On the left page is a profile someone with a strong nose and a rounded jawline, staring ahead with a blank look in their eyes.

The contrast between styles is almost incredible. Evan looks between the quick, looser, and more cartoony style and almost realistic sketch in amazement. The way that the person’s hair is tucked behind their ears and there’s soft shading on their neck, like Connor was afraid to do anything more.

“Wow,” Evan breathes. “These are really good.”

He looks up to see Connor giving him a funny look. “I’m paying you to be my friend. You don’t have to be a kiss up too.”

“I’m not,” Evan promises. “You’re good.”

Connor scrunches up his nose and takes the sketchbook back. He holds it up and tilts his head as he looks at the pages. “Okay…yeah I’m not seeing whatever you’re talking about. Just shitty doodles and a bad attempt to draw someone I saw in a waiting room.”

“I like them.” Connor lowers the sketchbook and Evan shrugs. “I don’t know anything about art, but you aren’t bad at it. I can tell you that.”

“Okay,” Connor says slowly. “Okay.”

Evan shifts uncomfortably in the silence. He doesn’t really know where the conversation is supposed to go from here. Maybe he should just—

“Do you have a Facebook?” Connor asks suddenly.

Evan furrows his eyebrows. “W-what? Why?”

Connor closes the sketchbook and throws it on his bed. “My mom was getting on my ass for not being friends with you on Facebook.”

“Who uses Facebook?”

“Moms,” Connor says flatly. “Wine moms.”

“Is your mom a wine mom?” Evan asks, looking over his shoulder into the hallway.

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know what she does all day. She could be a wine mom. Probably needs to be considering I’m her son. Anyone would need alcohol to deal with me all the time.”

Evan snorts. “You aren’t that bad.”

Connor smiles. “Okay. Whatever you say.”

Evan walks to the bathroom, furiously picking at his cast as he tries to keep his steps normal. His heart is racing and everything is wobbly and he feels like he’s about three seconds away from crying or throwing up. Or both. He can never tell.

He goes to the third floor bathroom. It means climbing the stairs — he hangs onto the railing like a lifeline — but it’s also usually empty. He needs an empty bathroom right now, he can’t lose it around other people, he can’t do that, he can’t be that kid who had a meltdown in front of half the senior class.

Part of his brain tells him half the senior class can’t fit into the boys’ bathroom.

The other half is spiraling faster and faster and faster.

He shoves the bathroom door open with his shoulder and stumbles into the handicapped stall as the lights flicker on. At least he knows no one else is in here.

Evan barely gets the door closed before he’s collapsing against the wall of the stall and sobbing as he tries to catch his breath. His knees are weak and he’s trying not to slide to the floor because it’s the bathroom it’s the fucking boys’ bathroom in a high school it’s probably the most disgusting floor ever but his legs are shaking and his hands are shaking and everything is shaking—

He scrubs away hot tears as they roll down his face.

Fuck .

He doesn’t even know what happened. One minute, he was in english. He wasn’t great but he was okay, and that was normal. And then someone was talking and Evan started getting lightheaded and there was a heavy weight in his chest and he managed to raise his hand and ask to go to the bathroom and sound somewhat normal and leave the classroom sort of calmly but now he can’t breathe he can’t breathe.

The walls are closing in around him and everything is getting smaller and smaller and crushing him under the weight of the world. Evan can’t do this. He can’t.

He pulls at the edges of his cast.

He could’ve— he should’ve—

Evan takes a shuddering breath and presses the base of his good hand against his eye. He wants it to stop he wants it all to stop.

“Evan?” someone asks softly

Evan inhales sharply and jerks away from the wall of the stall. He stumbles over his own feet and crashes into the wall, hitting his shoulder hard. “W-what— wh-who?”

“Uh, it’s just. It’s Connor. Are you…?” he trails off.

Evan’s breath hitches as he tries to force himself to calm down. He focuses on Connor’s boots, he can see them in the space between the stall doors and the floor. There’s something stuck in Evan’s throat and it’s making it hard to breathe and think.

“I recognized your shoes,” Connor says after a few seconds. “I was, uh, trying to get out of international relations, cause that class is…bullshit. I hate it.”

Evan forces a watery laugh. “R-right that’s— I heard it’s-it’s for the uh, the kids who want to take AP Gov but that’s— I can see why you might—” He takes a shallow breath. He can do this he can do this.

“Hansen, is there anything I can do?”

Why is Connor even here? Why is he trying to help, why would he want to help a disaster like Evan? A lost cause and constant disappointment who can never amount to anything and will never do anything worth remembering— not worth remembering not worth trying for not worth anything. He’s just an invisible speck lost in a crowd of millions of people and he’s drowning between all of them and can’t keep his head above the water.

“Hey,” Connor says, “is it okay if I touch you?”

Evan can barely even tell he’s moving, but Connor touches his wrist very softly so he must have nodded or something. Connor gently pulls Evan’s hands away from his face. He doesn’t know how Connor got into the stall but his head is spinning and his thoughts are a muddled mess.

Evan chokes back a sob and blinks away tears as they well up in his eyes and blur his vision. Connor is searching his face with furrowed eyebrows and a concerned look in his eyes and Evan just wants to curl up in a ball and have it all stop .

“What can I do?” Connor asks softly.

Evan shakes his head. Nothing, there’s nothing. He’s decided he’s okay with everything ending in this bathroom. Because everything hurts and his brain won’t stop why won’t it stop ?

“Um… shit . Hold on.” Connor lets go of Evan’s hands and Evan inhales sharply. “I’m-I’m not leaving,” Connor promises. “I’ll be right back.” He unlocks the stall door and Evan focuses on the sound of his boots on the floor because he can still barely breathe and he’s not sure how to hold on to reality.

“Just locked the door,” Connor says, stepping back into the stall. He shuts the door and slides the lock closed.

Evan takes a deep breath. It catches and it’s shaky and bad, but it’s slow and he needs— he has to slow down his heartrate. He’s supposed to be doing deep breathing exercises, it’s not supposed to get this bad.

Inhale through the nose for five. Hold for five. Exhale through the mouth for five.

Evan gets through two cycles before his mind freezes and panics and stops. He takes a few short breaths, gasping for air.

“You’re— it’s going to be fine,” Connor says. “It’s… There’s only like twenty minutes left of school, Ev. You’re going to be okay.”

Evan just wants to lay down. To lay down on this disgusting bathroom floor and curl up in a ball and sleep and never wake up. He could just melt into the floor and stop existing and that would be so much better than this. He closes his eyes and tries to focus on breathing a little slower but he can’t, he can’t.

“Do you…do you want me to leave?” Connor asks slowly. “I can go. I was just trying to get out of class. So I can—”

“P-please don’t— don’t leave,” Evan chokes out. He reaches out blindly, trying to find Connor with his eyes still squeezed shut.

Connor takes Evan’s hand and squeezes it lightly. “Yeah, sure. Not going anywhere.”

Evan just holds on to Connor’s hand and tries to breathe. Tries to find some semblance of calm in his mind. He doesn’t think he ends up being successful, he thinks his brain just got too tired to keep being so anxious.

When it doesn’t feel like his lungs are getting crushed anymore, Evan loosens his grip on Connor’s hand. “I-I’m s-sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry that you— that you had to deal with me.”

“I wanted to help,” Connor says. “I promise.”

Evan can’t meet his eyes.

“There’s only a few minutes left of class.” Connor takes a step away. “Do you… Are you walking home today?”

Evan nods. He doesn’t like the bus. It’s still warm enough out that he can walk to and from school. It’s better than being on a loud and crowded vehicle that goes over potholes too fast.

“Let us bring you home,” Connor says.

Evan frowns at the floor.

“Zoe doesn’t have practice today,” Connor explains. “Just… I don’t know, can you let us drive you home? So you don’t have to walk?”

“I’m— you don’t have to,” Evan mumbles.

“Yeah, but I’m offering.”

Evan wants to say no, he really wants to say no. He can’t take advantage of Connor like that. But he also just wants to be at home as soon as possible. “O-okay.”

“Thank you.”

Evan glances up at Connor. Connor is running his hand through his hair.

“I’ll…meet you by your locker?” Connor pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Are you…”

“I’ll be fine,” Evan says softly. Connor doesn’t look convinced, but Evan doesn’t have the energy to convince him right now. “I’ll… My locker. Yeah.”

“I’ll see you in…like three minutes,” Connor promises. “You can do a fucking countdown if you want. But I’ll be there. I swear.”

Evan nods. He digs his nails into the palm of his hand as Connor unlocks the stall and leaves the bathroom. It takes him a few more moments to figure out how to move his legs.

He still feels slightly off balance and wrong. He takes his time on the stairs, letting the bell ring and students rush around him in a sea of half known faces. He hesitates outside his english room before he ducks inside to grab his backpack. He stammers out an apology to his teacher, saying that he got sick, and she just tells him to feel better and make sure he does the reading for tomorrow.

He has to climb the stairs again to get to his locker.

Connor is there, waiting for him, staring off into the distance. As Evan approaches, Connor’s eyes snap to him and he stands up straighter.

“Zoe’ll meet us by the band room,” Connor explains. He glances from Evan to the lock. “Here I can open it.” He opens the lock quickly and Evan just forces himself to stay standing and breathing.

Connor takes books from Evan as he pulls them out of his backpack and then closes the locker as Evan puts his backpack on.

Connor glances around the halls and then takes a few quick steps to the elevator and hits the down button.

“We-we aren’t supposed to—”

“Fuck it,” Connor interrupts. “Stairs are bullshit.”

The elevator doors open and Connor pulls Evan inside, hitting the close doors button until the slide shut. Evan grips the straps of his backpack tightly. If anyone sees them using the elevator without a pass, they could get yelled at. He can’t deal with that today.

They stop on the ground level and the elevator doors open and Connor takes Evan’s arm and pulls him out of the elevator before reaching in and hitting the close doors button again. “Come on,” he murmurs, leading them toward the music wing.

Zoe is leaning against the double doors of the band room, a guitar case strapped to her back and her saxophone case at her feet. She looks up from her phone at them. She does a double take when she sees Evan, eyebrows furrowing.

“Can we go?” Connor asks shortly.

Any concern vanishes from her face as she rolls her eyes. “It’s going to take us fucking decades to get out of the parking lot at this point but whatever.”

“S-sorry,” Evan mumbles.

She shoots him a look. “Don’t worry about it, Evan. It’s just— it’s kind of messy getting out of here. It’s not your fault.” She picks up her saxophone cause. “Haul ass, Connor.”

Connor mutters something under his breath as he follows her.

Zoe leads them to the back corner of the parking lot where a silver SUV is parked. Evan finds himself thinking that if Connor were allowed to drive, they’d be able to park in the senior lot and would be closer to the school.

Zoe unlocks the car and looks to Connor and they have some sort of silent conversation before Zoe pops the trunk and loads in her instruments. “Hop in, Ev,” she says. “The car won’t eat you.” She slams the trunk shut.

Evan pulls open the backseat door and climbs in, dumping his backpack on the floor. To his surprise, Connor slides in on the other side, and not into the passenger seat in front of him. Connor tosses his bag into the passenger seat before buckling in.

“I’m apologizing now for Zoe’s music choices,” Connor says, leaning closer to Evan. “She’s on an early 2000s kick right now and it’s really fucking annoying.”

“You’re really fucking annoying,” Zoe says. She pulls the parking pass off the mirror and shoves it into the sunglasses holder. “What’s your address?” she asks Evan as she puts the keys into the ignition.

“I’ve got it,” Connor says.

Zoe meets Evan’s eyes in the mirror before shifting the car into reverse. “Okay.” She turns up the music and twists around to wait for an opening in the line of cars waiting to get out of the parking lot.

Evan blinks in surprise as Check Yes Juliet blasts from the speakers.

Connor groans.

“Just help me get out of here, asshat,” Zoe says.

Connor turns to look out the window. “You’re good with cars coming in.”

Zoe squints at the line of cars and backs up as soon as the smallest opening appears. Someone behind them honks their horn and Connor just rolls down the window and flips them off.

“And now we wait,” Zoe mutters, once she’s gotten the car into the endless line of other cars attempting to get away from this place.

“This is why I don’t drive,” Connor grumbles.

Zoe scoffs. “Okay. Sure.”

Evan rests his head against the window as they slowly move through the parking lot.

“Is this Jordin Sparks?” Connor asks when the next song comes on.

“You might be judging me,” Zoe says, “but you’re the one who recognized Jordin Sparks.”

The car is warm and Evan is so tired that it’s hard to focus. He finds himself thinking that it’s sort of nice that Connor and Zoe are arguing over something so mundane as music, even if that’s just the surface level of a much deeper problem.

Evan doesn’t fall asleep, but he does drift off. He hears Connor and Zoe talking softly, but doesn’t process any of the words. When the car stops, he blinks slowly and sits up. He squints out the window and at his front door.

Oh. Cool.

“Thanks,” he murmurs as he unbuckles his seatbelt and grabs his backpack from the floor. He opens the door and climbs out, careful to find solid footing on the driveway.

“No problem,” Zoe says with a soft smile. Her eyes dart to Connor. “You staying here?”

Connor looks at Evan. He raises an eyebrow.

Evan nods. He doesn’t…he doesn’t think he wants to be alone right now. But Connor doesn’t have to know that. If Connor asks, Evan will just say that it would be weird if Connor left him after being worried or something. Something about friendship.

“I’ll tell mom,” Zoe says. “Now get your ass out of my car or I’ll drive away with you.”

“Fuck off,” Connor mutters.

Evan digs through his bag for his house key as he walks up to the front door. He pulls it out of the pocket and unlocks the door.

Connor flips Zoe off before stepping inside. Zoe flips him off as she backs down the driveway.

Evan pulls off his shoes and leaves them by the door. He drops his backpack on the couch as he passes the living room and wanders into the kitchen. He almost forgets Connor is with him until Connor leans against the kitchen table.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly.

Evan almost laughs because that really is the worst question. Instead, he opens a cabinet and holds out a box to Connor. “Cheez-its?”

“Did Jared buy these the other day?” Connor asks, taking the box.

“Uh…yes.” Evan feels his ears burn. “I— He bought a lot of snacks. We, um, still have pizza? If you want any?”

“Have you eaten today?” Connor asks.

Evan blinks a few times. “S-sort of? Lunch, I-I had some lunch. You?”

“Just breakfast.” Connor puts down the Cheez-its. “I’ll take a piece if you do.”

Evan feels like he might lowkey be being played, but Connor needs to eat. “Okay,” he says. “Want it warm?”

“Yeah sure.”

Evan focuses on getting the pizza out of the fridge and onto a plate and then into the microwave. As he watches the pizza slices spin, Connor digs through the kitchen drawers.

“W-what are you…?”

Connor holds up a knife and fork victoriously. “We’re good.”

“Are you… Since when do you eat pizza with silverware?”

“I’m not a caveman,” Connor says sagely. He reaches past Evan to pull open the microwave door a second before it beeps.

“You’ve never used it before?” Evan takes the pizza out and takes a slice before handing the plate to Connor.

Connor snorts and sits down at the table. “You’ve only seen me eat pizza like three times, Hansen. You don’t know me.”

Evan slowly pulls out a chair as Connor cuts up his pizza. “Yeah but…before you were eating it backwards. Which was— why were you doing that?”

Connor points his fork at Evan. “Used to make Zoe mad.”

“I-I guess that’s…valid.” Evan eats his pizza slowly as he watches Connor eat his piece by piece. He doesn’t really understand, but that’s okay. He glances at his half finished piece of pizza before he mumbles, “You don’t…you don’t have to, um, pay me for this.”

Connor lowers his fork with a weird triangle shaped piece of pizza still on it. “It’s fine, I can still—”

“No,” Evan interrupts firmly. “I— I wanted you to be here. I asked you to. It was my choice so you— you don’t have to give me anything. That’s… It’s only fair.”

“Are you sure?” Connor asks slowly.

Evan nods. “If-if you try to pay me, I’ll just give the money to Zoe to sneak into your room. O-or she could just take it. And then there was no point in giving it to me.”

Connor looks at him with an expression that Evan can’t decipher for a few seconds before shrugging and saying, “Okay” before going back to his pizza.

Evan isn’t entirely content with the answer but it’ll do for now.

—«·»—

“Here,” Evan says, taking the remote from Connor and opening Netflix. “Th-there’s never really anything good on TV.”

“Sweet, thanks.”

Evan doesn’t really know how they got to this point. They finished eating and Connor offered to leave if Evan wanted him to, but Evan shook his head and then somehow…they ended up on the couch.

“The Great British Baking Show?” Connor asks, reading the title of the first show under ‘Continue Watching’.

“Oh, um…” Evan plays with the hem of his shirt. “It’s…a nice show? It’s not— other cooking shows are a lot more stressful? And intense? This one is… It’s a lot nicer. It’s kind of funny and they have nice bakers usually.”

Connor gives him a half smile. “You like baking?”

Evan rolls his eyes. “We both know I can’t bake for shit.”

Connor laughs. “I know, it’s just funny how you like to watch people bake but burn mac n cheese.”

“I never burned mac n cheese,” Evan mumbles.

“Do you mind?” Connor asks, gesturing to the screen.

Evan shakes his head.

Connor goes to the beginning of the season Evan had open and restarts the first episode.

“Oh there are going to be lots of measurements that I do not fucking understand,” Connor says.

Evan smiles and leans back on the cushions of the couch. It’s nice to watch something where he already knows the outcome, and Connor has some pretty amusing commentary to add to the whole thing. It’s kind of funny how fast Connor decides who his favorite and least favorite bakers are.

As Connor watches a technical challenge where no one has any clue what the hell they’re doing, Evan feels himself drifting off to sleep and he can’t find the energy to stop himself.

—«·»—

Evan wakes up slowly. His eyelids are heavy— his whole body is heavy, actually. There’s still thick cobwebs of sleep left in his brain that haven’t been dusted away and they’re making it very hard to regain consciousness. This usually happens after really bad days that involve some sort of meltdown, but all it ever does is make Evan want to go back to sleep.

He turns his head to press his face more into his pillow. Something tickles his nose. Something like…hair?

Evan groans and sits up, squinting at the bright screen of the television. Connor turns to look at him and gives him a crooked smile.

Oh.

His pillow had been Connor’s shoulder.

“S-sorry,” Evan mumbles.

“It’s fine,” Connor promises. Their arms are still pressed together and Evan really doesn’t care to move right now. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Fine. Uh…how long was I…?”

Connor glances to the screen. “Maybe two and a half hours?” Evan’s eyes go wide. “It’s fine, Ev. I’m okay with being used as a pillow. You needed the sleep and I got to get through a few more episodes of the show. Win win.”

“Win win,” Evan repeats softly. “Do you… Are you leaving soon?”

“Do you want me to?” Connor asks.

Evan is a selfish person. He knows exactly what he’s doing. And he hates himself for it.

“Not yet.”

#connor murphy #evan hansen #zoe murphy #deh #deh fanfic #my fics #to have a friend #oh shit (oh shit)

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