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jennycalendar · 4 years

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2019 fic roundup

december was INSANE and i spent most of january dealing with the aftermath of Terrible Parents, but i am finally doing this! in nearly-february! good grief!

tagged by @catty-words! always a delight, cori <3

Total 2019 Word Count: 541,906 Total 2019 Hits: 29,555 Other 2019 AO3 Stats: Kudos: 3,184; Comment threads: 787; Bookmarks: 509; Subscriptions: 223.

Total 2018 Word Count: 338,835 Total 2018 Hits: 22,374 Other 2018 AO3 Stats: Kudos: 2,192; Comment threads: 453; Bookmarks: 280; Subscriptions: 69.

links and titles to 2019 works (buckle up, folks.)

[btvs] imperfections (148,374 words) y’all know about the braveryverse already but i’ll bring up some good points: jenny and giles accidentally adopt the entire scooby gang. also faith gets some actual support and is actually eventually stable enough to date buffy. good times.

[btvs] deliberate obstruction (5,492 words) the one where jenny is petty as fuck and attempts to sabotage every single one of giles’s dates after their breakup. not her best look, but it was really fun to write jenny being Not Great. she deserves to have that option.

[btvs] arch-nemeses (2,171 words) who doesn’t love some of that good old-fashioned ripper au nonsense? particularly when it’s spike and ripper being confusing nemeses who sometimes drunkenly make out (jenny thinks this is very funny).

[btvs] sick day (3,097 words) written because someone should take care of giles, damnit! probably not jenny, tho. she’s not the best at it. lucky for her giles loves her so much.

[btvs] simpatico (10,096 words) sister fic to the grieving process! set circa btvs season six! jenny is connor’s awkward aunt! giles is a repressed disaster who’s still pining but refuses to admit it!

[btvs] honesty’s the best policy (3,830 words) that one where giles and buffy are hit with a Truth Spell that means they say exactly what they’re thinking. is that all that bad for buffy? not too much. is it a little iffy when you’re a repressed watcher man who still haven’t told your girlfriend how much you love her? uh.

[btvs comics] i router, you giles (1,111 words) GOD this was written BEFORE i knew that giles and jenny were dating in the reboot comics and isn’t that a concept? a snarky-cute first meeting! ok not really that cute bc they just yell at each other a lot! but definitely snarky!

[btvs] transitional (3,152 words) good golly this is cute and i honestly forgot that i wrote it. which makes sense, bc there is a lot of stuff on this list. set in between season one and season two, in an attempt to bridge the giles/jenny gap between “awkwardly friendly coworkers” and “oh my god i think i like you”

[btvs] across the pond (5,323 words) FUN FACT this got nominated for a headline award and i’m SO PROUD OF THAT?! epistolary fic! giles leaves for england in s6 but without his wife! his wife is very mad and writes him VERY MANY LETTERS TO YELL AT HIM! perfect for those people who sometimes think “god, i wish jenny had been in s6 to yell at giles.”

[btvs] very really married (66,987 words) giles and jenny got drunk-married in las vegas and are keeping the marriage going so they don’t look like terrible authority figures. giles does not want buffy to know about his fake wife. giles does not want his fake wife to know about his real slayer. giles has a lot of problems and it doesn’t help that he might be catching feelings. big mess.

[btvs] bad dreams (2,267 words) GILES/JENNY/ANYA IS BEST SHIP NEXT QUESTION

[btvs comics] an open mic enthusiast (2,250 words) yet another giles/jenny comic-reboot meet-cute written before i knew they were dating!!! this time: jenny gets to see giles playing guitar. repeatedly. because she keeps going back to watch him at the open mic.

[btvs comics] blindsided (2,024 words) my first (and definitely not last) giles/anya fic! a shorter version of a plot bunny i hope to chase down in 2020 (ahaha did i say that WHOOPS)

[btvs] uncharted (16,469 words) my jenny calendar day fic! also known as “jenny calendar has a guilt complex: a novella.” no prophecy dream outs jenny to the group -- but she tells them anyway. and blames herself. and breaks up with giles while she’s trying to Fix Things. absolute mess. (thank god there’s a happy ending, right?)

[btvs] on the mending of hearts (9,236 words) that giles/anya fic where giles shows up at anya’s failed wedding and sweeps her off her feet and they have sex in his hotel room! except uhhh there’s a lot more drama and crying and anya really just needs some cuddles, tbh.

[btvs] extracurricular activities (1,003 words) straight up this one BARELY counts as a 2019 fic. i wrote it back in 2016 and forgot about it and found it on my hard drive and wrote an ending to it. it’s tiny, but it’s cute! lots of early-relationship calendiles fluff, as is My Brand.

[btvs] cookie dough and boy talk (a remix) (3,976 words) dawn, but in the ripper au! she’s a precocious little bab and ripper babysits her and gets semi-adopted by joyce. it’s a thing.

[btvs] a history lesson (698 words) a brief ripper au interlude between jenny and dru. dru tries to point out that jenny and ripper are in love. jenny very unconvincingly denies it.

[btvs] faith, hope, and pancakes (3,236 words) ripper au, now with faith! and she gets to hang with college-age jenny! who is dating her idiot boyfriend ripper! the Most Fun of times.

[btvs] compromises (750 words) this....was supposed to be a three-sentence prompt but I Can’t Do That. giles and jenny discuss (read: jenny yells at giles about) giles attempting to attack angel on sight.

[btvs] valentine buzz (3,422 words) i wrote this in may lmao but i just REALLY WANTED to write fluffy braveryverse valentine’s day nonsense!!! lots of cuddles and kisses and softness abound in this fic.

[btvs] days in goodness spent (5,893 words) this fic's point was a little more abstract and a little less blunt than most of the rest of these, but i wanted to explore the concept of giles slowly going from idealizing jenny to genuinely loving her. i hope i did it justice.

[btvs] to have and to hold (7,861 words) giles and jenny get married in the braveryverse. that’s really all there is. also i posted this on my birthday (may 23rd) AND it is the 23rd fic on this list!!!! WILD!!!!!)

[btvs] saw her in the streetlight, making all the world bright (5,738 words) took me like a year and a half to write the first fic in the ripper au, lmao. in which jenny is a snarky eighteen-year-old, ripper is a snarky college dropout in a band, and neither of them are at ALL good at communicating. especially not ripper.

[btvs] perfect (1,465 words) ripper au: it’s revealed that jenny hasn’t had sex before. ripper handles this with his characteristic maturity and grace (just kidding lmao he FREAKS. but it’s bc he loves her.)

[btvs] respite (1,106 words) i wrote this after issue 5 of the reboot dropped bc i was very emotional about canon power couple giles and jenny. in retrospect, i gave giles’s emotional maturity WAY too much credit--esp. given what’s going on now--but it was still fun as heck to write.

[btvs] shouldn’t we be getting together (3,193 words) this fic’s existence is a combo of me reading a summer camp ya novel and liking the Aesthetic but not the Culture & me talking endlessly w/ @jackalopingintothevoid about ripper and jenny’s teenage dynamic. so many of these fics have her galaxy brain takes woven in and i KNOW she knows that. lov u, jack.

[btvs] fragmented (6,158 words) written because of that one time my brain was like “but what if jenny WAS haunting the school?” happy ending because it’s me and g/j deserve some kisses.

[btvs/hp crossover] buffy summers, muggle-born (22,070 words) i CAME BACK TO THIS in 2019 and wrote a few chapters and DROPPED IT LIKE A HOT POTATO. hopefully 2020 will bring me the courage to pick it up again!!!!!! who DOESN’T want a carelessly-mashed-together crossover where the scoobies and the golden trio are all going to hogwarts together for some reason????

[btvs] in bloom (8,452 words) this was SUPPOSED to be the end of the jenny-anya-tara trilogy. it was not. (more on that later.) this was also supposed to be a fic where giles and jenny get together. jenny and anya got together. writing things is wild sometimes.

[btvs] i still want to be your girl (35,165 words) straight up i am so proud of this fic! s7 au: jenny was chased out of town by angelus. giles does not know this. jenny has been working with angel in la, but left with faith to try and help defeat the first. giles is not the guy she remembers. (but jenny’s not exactly the lady giles remembers, either. so maybe things might work out.)

[btvs/leverage crossover] what’s in a name (4,421 words) sophie’s & jenny’s relationship to their names & identities always so totally fascinated me! this fic was my way of exploring that. (also i got to give giles and jenny a toddler. that was fun too.)

[btvs comics] live a little (6,700 words) i had so much fun coming up with a backstory for giles and jenny in the comics that i am kinda tempted to eventually try and do it again. this one was fun to write, tho.

[btvs] kind of like hydrogen peroxide (7,501 words) THIS was FUN. ripper au, but it explores both jenny’s longing for High School Normalcy AND ripper’s fucked-up relationship to magic. also senior prom is a thing.

[btvs] mending fences (6,093 words) sequel to the aforementioned epistolary fic! lots of first-person self-loathing from giles, but also a LOT of love for jenny and his kids. also the man really truly needs to stop repressing.

[btvs] her father’s daughter (1,982 words) 2020 will bring us another chapter of this fic i swear to GOD. literally there’s only one chapter up so i cannot even TALK about my plans for it but uhhh if you want giles and jenny and their three daughters pls feel free to go to that prologue and check it out.

[btvs] a thousand different ways we fell apart (4,888 words) the au fic to encompass all au fics! inspired by the comic reboot and me being like. christ. do they go through this ridiculous shit in EVERY universe? ....and then i wrote a fic where jenny was a space traveler looking through multiple universe to try and fix her marriage with giles. extra fun.

[btvs] no such roses (4,814 words) this one turned out a TINY bit rushed, but the concept of jenny bringing giles back from the dead is always something that i love exploring. i might come back and rewrite this, someday.

[btvs comics] no perfect choice (4,801 words) OOF. wrote this one after issue 8 dropped. a lot softer and more tender than what actually happened, tbh. maybe i will reread it again to make myself feel better about comic calendiles and their brutal split.

[btvs] family (3,545 words) wrote this one p early in the year and came up with an ending to it much later! ripper au: the story of how xander came to live with giles and leave his parents. angst-with-a-happy-ending abounds.

[btvs] a california january (2,206 words) jenny and giles attend a funeral together. that’s pretty much it. this is defs one of the best things i wrote this year, tho.

[btvs] how i survived my summer vacation (volume two) (25,027 words) swear to god this is gonna be the next thing i update. the braveryverse NEEDS to continue. it’s got married calendiles, for god’s sake.

[btvs] clear and impartial judgment (3,977 words) that fic i wrote when i got mad at a lack of resolution wrt helpless. like!!! giles drugged buffy!!! do we not get to talk about the psychological ramifications that would have on her???? (well. canon doesn’t. but i do.)

[btvs] sunshine ladies (10,188 words) THIS FIC WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN and i say that with incandescent love in my heart. i intended for the ‘verse to be giles/jenny, and then i intended it to be jenny/anya, and then i was like....jenny has two goddamn hands, and there’s foreshadowing here for endgame giles/jenny, and i wanna write some giles/anya. let’s fuckin go. (DEFINITELY writing another installment in 2020 about this iconic ot3 of mine.)

[btvs] spirit-touched (4,769 words) the first smut i write and it’s calendiles ghost sex. i really think this is on brand for me, esp. considering that swath of asks in 2016ish where everyone wanted to know if ghosts could jack off. incredible.

[btvs] dear friend (28,865 words) this fic had such a rushed ending :( it’s a cute premise (you’ve got mail giles/jenny au!!!!!), but i lost interest halfway through, and as a writer i can rlly see that when i read it. another thing i might like to go back and rewrite at some point, tbh!

[btvs] familiar (2,034 words) AUGH i am SO proud of this fic. SO SO PROUD. it’s a concept i really can’t explain and the little twist at the end is something i really really like, so...just read it.

[miss fisher’s murder mysteries] unbearable (5,670 words) i need to write more mfmm in 2020 but the amount of good fic out there is deeply intimidating/delightful. this one was my little “what if it was phryne who thought jack was dead” and tbqh i had a lot of fun with it? bc pining phryne (who makes brief but extremely poignant appearances throughout the series) is an awkwardly, heart-meltingly sincere lady.

[ace attorney] man’s duty to society (544 words) wrote this as my first foray into aa fic while getting emo about miles edgeworth. would absolutely still die for that man.

[ace attorney] fancy running into you (5,887 words) lots of schmoopy narumitsu fluff! gregory edgeworth is alive! miles is trauma-free! phoenix is an artist! just!!! goodness!!!!!!!

[ace attorney] big sister (2,741 words) set in the same gregory-edgeworth-is-alive ‘verse: babey franziska comes to live with miles and his dad. she is a little impossible but miles kinda does love her.

[ace attorney] prince charming edgeworth and his incredible tux (8,042 words) this fic came from me being like “i want to write phoenix swooning over miles in a tuxedo and being like HE LOOKS LIKE A DISNEY PRINCE” and spiraled into something much longer!

[ace attorney] fate, choice, and everything in between (4,384 words) SOULMATE AU. nothing i love more than deconstructing soulmate aus. but like. in a romantic way. also phoenix and miles ARE soulmates and that is JUST facts.

Favorite Fic: I WROTE SO MUCH STUFF THO LIKE !?!??! how can one expect me to distill it to just one fic? i’ll make it my top threeL

a california january (I AM SO PROUD OF THIS FIC. it is soft and angsty and silly and devastating and tender. all the calendiles feels.)

i still want to be your girl (same mood!!! i’ve wanted to write this fic for literal years, and it’s one of those rare occasions where the picture in my head actually turned out BETTER when written out!)

sunshine ladies (this is like my giles/jenny/anya ship manifesto and it still makes me happy to think about them all co-running the magic box together and smooching a lot.)

Hardest Fic: OOF uh i went through a rocky period of writing when transitioning into college? no such roses and dear friend were hit the hardest by my insecurity & my desire to Finish Things rather than actually spend time on the craft. but i’m much more settled in now and my writing is DEFINITELY in an upward swing (as my newest fic -- as day follows night -- attests to quite nicely, imo)

Do You Plan to Take Prompts in 2020? always always yes! (i’m bad at following through with them, but am ALWAYS accepting them.)

What was the best thing about 2019? there were almost too many good things to COUNT, but i think all of them were made possible by me working extremely hard to get myself the FUCK out of my abusive parents’ house and into my first choice college!! i’m thriving, y’all.

What was the worst thing about 2019? realizing that both of my parents are fundamentally terrible people. that part kinda sucked.

Any last thoughts for 2019? i finally understand what it’s like to fall asleep feeling safe, and to notice the way the leaves change color, and to get excited about self-indulgent things like food and cuddly stuffed animals and my own fic and art. 2019 brought a lot of happiness into my life, and oh yeah also i’m in love! lots of cool stuff going on.

Goals for 2020

finish the latest braveryverse installment!

MORE ART JUST IN GENERAL. i love drawing, but there’s not a lot of free time for artsy celia when they prioritize writing so often!

write one of the many incredible longfic ideas that’s floating around in my head. it’s honestly probably only like two or three big ones, but at least DECIDE which one i’m gonna focus my energy on.

more giles/anya this year!

more giles/jenny/anya this year!

diversify! still gonna be writing about jenny forever, but like. it might be fun to write about a few new things here and there.

maybe some more ace attorney fic? maybe even some mfmm fic again? phryne and jack are never far from my heart.

not tagging anyone bc this is....january. but if you wanna do it, feel free!

#fic #fic roundup #ngl i'm like really proud of this list #stayed up.....two hours....to complete it

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constellationclarke · 5 years

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Lmao ignore me (if the read more doesn’t work on mobile I’m sorry ya’ll can scroll past this I’m just venting to myself so I don’t go crazy)

Shoutout to my mum and her need to manipulate interactions to make me look bad or embarrassed or like a bitch so she can, what? Have moral superiority?? Oh and then act like nothing is wrong and continuing joking and so trying to further manipulate things by acting like I’m the bad guy or there’s something wrong with me bc I’m no longer happy obviously for being treated like that but to her I’m “moody” or a bitch or “never in a good mood” or “can never take a joke”. I’m so sick of it

Moments ago she came into my room looking for something and while she was here we started joking about something, something really mundane like it was to do with some clothes and shoeboxes like that’s how irrelevant it was and we were both laughing and I was mid laugh when she just comes out with “this isn’t funny my aunt is dying” and I’m just ??? She hadn’t mentioned it at. all. and she just interrupted me, in the midst of our laughter over a joke she actually started to say that and I was stunned and silent because I was so blindsided I didn’t know how to react and then I eventually ask which aunt and if I’d met her and which cousin she’s the mother of and she tells me and then I ask what happened and mum says it’s cancer and then like. Straight after saying that she goes right back into joking and then leaves and I’m just sat here completely stunned. And it’s not the first time she’s done this, she does it all the time. We’ll be joking around and she’ll tease me and it’s fine but as soon as I start I’m disrespectful and need to be serious and ‘this isn’t the time for joking’ or ‘who do you think you are to speak to me that way’ and she’ll just completely ruin the mood just to prove her authority over me and then as soon as she’s done she’ll start joking with me again but it’s always insulting me in a lowkey way and then she’ll be ‘confused’ when I’m all of a sudden not joking back and basically call me a bitch and it’s always been this way

Like as a teenager, whenever I’d have friends over and we would just be chilling quietly in my room she would come in and start berating me for something I apparently did that was wrong and it was all a complete sham because she would do it in english whereas if there really was a problem she would speak to me in portuguese but no, she would find some tiny insignificant thing and go all ‘stern disciplinarian mum mode’ just to, what? Prove to my 13yr old friend “oh look at me disciplining my child and embarrassing her in front of her friends and ruining her evening by intruding on a moment I wasn’t even a part of just to assert my dominance, I’m such a good mother!”

Or the time when I was young and was horrified at the fact that people ate rabbits and so I vehemently refused to eat rabbit meat because it upset me so much and when I was like 10 or roundabouts and we were having a big family dinner and all my aunts and uncles and cousins were there and I was told that for dinner we were having chicken and I had no reason to suspect otherwise and the meat in the pan looked like chicken, not that I paid that much attention to it, so I was having a good time chatting and laughing with my cousins and I didn’t understand why they gave me strange looks when I wanted a second serving and asked them to pass me the chicken but they did and we carried on being kids and dinner went on and then it was over and a few moments later from the ‘grown up’ end of the table mum calls my name so I look over to see what she wants and they’re all looking at me and she’s smirking and asks what I thought of the food and I’m confused but I assume she means because my aunt cooked or something idk so I say it was great and the adults all burst out laughing and she reveals to me it was rabbit and she had got all the adults to lie to me and tell me it wasn’t chicken because she knew I was against eating rabbit so she just. Completely and utterly humiliated me in front of our entire family and lied to me and deceived me into doing something she knew I wasn’t comfortable with and now everybody was laughing and making fun of me and I just had to sit there and take it while trying really hard not to cry or react in any way because I knew that if I did have any sort of negative reaction I would just be further humiliated or punished for it. The other day she brought it up while we were in public and was like ‘haha wasn’t this so funny’ but she’s been treating me like shit all my life and I guess she just thought that I’d always continue to put up with it so boy the look of pure shock on her face when I clearly wasn’t amused and very bluntly said “that’s not funny at all. You humiliated me in front of the entire family and you lied to me. You should be ashamed” was amazing, she literally was speechless for a moment as I continued to calmly eat my lunch and let her and my dad stew in the awkward silence until she hastily cleared her throat and tried changing the subject

And how about how she is very affectionate which I’m always told I should be thankful for that she enjoys showing her love but I’m not because she completely disregards my boundaries (to the point that it’s something that makes me so angry that if I ever have kids I’ve sworn to myself that I’m going to teach them about consent from a young age and that absolutely no one, no matter who they are, family or not, can touch them if they don’t feel comfortable and have every right to say so!!) My mum would like to launch kiss attacks and would end up tackling me and pinning me down because I would say no and try to get away from her so she would do that, thinking it’s all a big joke, and even though she would make me laugh by tickling me, I would not at all be comfortable with it and would actually feel trapped and panicking but I just tried to stay calm despite my gut reaction being to push her off me or kick or do whatever I could to get away but I knew if I did I would be in so much trouble so I would just try to squirm away but accidents happen and sometimes in the midst of the play fighting I’d accidentally hit her or something and she would completely flip out and yell at me and tell me off for being “so mean and cruel and nasty and a horrible person” and punish me. And one time we were joking around because she snatched my phone away in return for affection and I was trying to get it back and also get away from her and she accidentally ended up dropping it and hitting me but then told me not to overreact and at that point it had been like 17/18 years of this and I’d had enough and lost my patience and was upset and no longer in the mood to put up with it and I was emotional but managed to calmly call her out and say that even though I recognised what just happened was an accident and she didn’t mean it, it was unfair that she forces me into situations where I feel uncomfortable and I’ll accidentally hurt her and she’ll get mad but when she does it to me and even almost damages my stuff there’s no problem and I was visibly upset but she didn’t care and just said “no. your phone is fine and you can have it back but I did this by accident but when you hit and hurt me you do it on purpose because you’re mean” which is rich coming from a woman who thinks it’s okay to slap a child if they misbehave and she never apologised and the next day acted like nothing had happened except to ask me if I’d “calmed down yet” and then continued on pushing for affection

Ooo and what about the time on my 18th birthday, you know, a day people get really excited for and everyone views as special? And instead I went to school and was treated like crap and ignored the whole day by my so-called friends for absolutely no reason to the point where I was on the verge of tears at the end of the day and was so emotionally exhausted coming home that I fell asleep for hours. I was vaguely aware of mum coming home and talking to me but I was so tired I asked if we could talk later and she was absolutely fine and understanding and let me sleep (also important to note that during the night one of her uni assignment results had been published but we’ll get back to this in a second) and then I was woken up for dinner and as I come downstairs dad hands me the phone because my uncle and aunt want to say happy birthday and we don’t have a good relationship with them because they’re not good people and have done some shitty stuff to use but I was tired and didn’t want to start trouble and cause fights by refusing to talk to them so I relented and it was just a quick 30 second conversation and even though they’re horrible at least calling me to say happy birthday was a good action right? Apparently I was wrong and a bitch talking to them because when I hang up the phone and go to the kitchen to eat, all of a sudden mum was cold towards me and only spoke to me if it was necessary in clipped short sentences like to answer my question of what was for dinner or to ask me to pass something and she wouldn’t even look at me and I was so confused and things just got worse because dad was so oblivious and because we were silent he got distracted by the news on tv and absorbed in it so dinner was spent in practically total silence and mum finished eating quickly and jumped up immediately to start washing up rather than spend another second at the table with me, ya know, her daughter on her birthday, and then dad also finished before me and got up to do something so . I was eating alone and all I could think about was the shitty day I’d had to the point where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack and ended up bursting into tears over my plate and dad was obviously worried and now I was sobbing that my day had been absolutely horrible and I felt like shit and now on top of it mum was mad at me and won’t even talk to me and I was just breaking down and she just sighed and denied being mad at me and they calmed me down and I went up to bed to rest and later mum came to talk to me and she admitted she was mad at me for speaking to my aunt n uncle and I countered by calmly saying “yeah they’re dicks but at least they called me instead of ignoring me and were nice and I’d already had such a shit day on a day that is supposed to be my day and I was exhausted and didn’t want to cause a fight” and she said “well it’s not just all about you you know, today is about me too since I have birth to you and you didn’t even think of me, I get home and you’re just asleep and when I went to talk to you you didn’t even ask me what grade I got in that assignment when I’d told you the grades were coming out today!” And I was just so shocked into silence and in the end I ended up apologising to her

Let’s not forget the time the night before my english lit A-level, you know, the most important exam to me since at that time I had applied to study english lit at uni and this grade was important, and she and dad had been fighting over something and then that night they’re having a massive screaming match over the phone because he was in Portugal and this is all while I’m trying to study and they’re shouting things at one another and having the worst fight that I’ve ever heard them have, to the point where I genuinely thought they were going to get divorced, that’s how awful it was, and then they start arguing over fucking phone calls and dad is insisting one thing and mum is insisting the other and it was about one night dad talking to me on the phone so they fucking drag me into the argument to clear things up aka say who’s right and who’s wrong and effectively pick a side but it turns out they were both kind of wrong about the situation and I stay neutral and clear things up but that actually makes it worse and I guess mum was expecting me to be on her side and she continues screaming at my dad and then actually starts screaming at me saying I just make things worse and that I’m a liar despite the fact that they’re the ones that dragged their own child into fight just to use me against each other and that I actually had proof to back up what I said!! But no, this is irrelevant and she says I’m a liar and a bad person because I’m purposefully making things worse and I’m not siding with her and she’s genuinely screaming at me and I have enough and basically tell her that she can fuck off dragging me into an argument and trying to use me and that she has no consideration for me and my feelings and the fact that I have a fucking exam the next morning and now have to deal with this shit and I just go back to my room and slam the door and I hear her slam hers and I just end up crying for ages instead of studying because I can’t focus on studying anymore and things seem like they’re falling apart and after a couple of hours she comes to me with a fake ass apology that doesn’t even really apologise for what happened

Oh and after she came to ‘apologise’, she tried to have this big deep talk with me and during the talk I told her that I don’t like it when she calls me stupid because it’s something that she and my dad did that really fucked me up as a kid and now I can’t handle being called it by them and I just tell her I don’t like it and she promises not to do it anymore and guess fucking what. Now she manipulates me with it where instead of just outright calling me stupid she’ll joke “don’t make me call you that word you don’t want me to call you” to get me to do something, like. Is it really that hard to just be a decent fucking human being? And after that fight, because it was so big and they had genuinely screamed stuff at each other about splitting up, naturally there was a moment where I was scared they were going to get divorced or something and during that big ‘deep’ talk after the fight she told me I was “silly” to think that and every now and then if she and dad are having a slight disagreement about something she likes to mock me and say “yeah are you still scared mummy and daddy are getting a divorce” and it’s like. no matter what I say I’m never respected and I’m just mocked and belittled and disrespected and humiliated at every chance so she can prove her superiority and I’m so tired and I wish I could say it was just these things that happen but there have been so many more instances and other things that she’s done to me and I’m genuinely just tired. I’m tired of feeling angry. I’m tired of being treated the way I’m treated and god I just wish I could go back to uni so I’m away from home because this really isn’t good for my mental health

#i'm putting this under a read more because it ended up being wayyyyyy longer than expected lol #i would just delete it but god i really needed to vent and if i delete it then the negativity will just continue to fester in me #i just intended the first paragraph and then got carried away lmao #anyway ya'll can ignore this or not idc #if anyone wants to pay me a shitload of money so i never have to rely on my family or see them ever again i'd be hella grateful #personal #i chat shit #long post

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