#it's been a fucking wild 2 weeks
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daily whistlepaw until ah becomes PoV day 1167
I think I finally understand how people feel when around a crush, can't say I enjoy it
#warrior cats#whistlepaw#windclan#medicine cat apprentice#this isn't my first crush lol but this one has had me feel the strongest of feelings (and might be my first genuine crush lol)#the fact I have been building up A Lot of stress for the entire week probably didn't help.#and the fact my stomach hurt is also probably at least partially to explain by the fact I barely ate last night#but MAN seeing my (latest) crush in such a pretty dress and then go on stage and play (a goddess!!!!!!! she's a goddess)#(I already bought tickets to go see the full thing; I will die but I will die happy (I hope))#but yeah I struggled for a good 2 hours to fall asleep and also had stomach weirdness happening the next morning#man it was not fun#(and then she came to sit next to me during class and I had to play it cool (I was too deranged on sleep deprivation to really care about#being my typical brand of weird but I do sometimes feel like an idiot around her and feel guilty because then I fear that she finds me#annoying and will hate me and I will fail this again (losing a friendship over a crush once was not that fun lol) and Traumas don't help#either at all so uh I'm just trying to spend time with her I just always feel a bit worried that I'm annoying her and it's consuming my bra#I do also still feel a little guilty about having this crush; internalized homophobia/issues around sexuality are hard to shake off#and while it's very normal and stuff I never dare to go the entire way when my brain conjures fantasies that are a little too risqué#I just feel guilty man I know I shouldn't but still it fucking sucks in my brain#and god talking about this in therapy would be a mess#I might have to eventually but I don't wanna#anyways; wild vent in the tags aside; yay a whis!
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Bruh people aren't fucking lying about COVID fatigue goddamn
#covid#life of sponty#ive been sick since i got back home on 12th#infected probably 1 to 3 days before that#so im coming up on 2 weeks of covid#and right now the worst symptom remaining is the fatigue and exhaustion#i got up and showered and sat at my desk for 30mins and now I'm so exhausted i have to go back to bed#it's effort to stroke the cat#the other day i did a small physical exertion and afterwards was so intensely tired it tooo about 6 hours of recovery#just to be able to lift small objects without dropping them#shits fucked bruh#also I'm getting the classic taste fuckery and bitter and alkaline flavours are literally making me choke#it's wild#desperately hoping it doesn't last because i really dont want to lose onions forever#i love onions#i was scared for a second that I'd lost mango too but it turns out it's just the mango skin flavour. the flesh is fine#cough was only monstrous for like a day#rest of the time it's not been any worse than ive had from normal nasty coughs. pretty manageable#the fatigue is wack though#I've never been this weak before#it's kind of fascinating from an authorial perspective#this is going to be useful experience for the writing banks
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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the ultimate conclusion to the argument on whether it's acceptable to pirate hogwarts legacy is the person who everyone was sorta relying on to crack it posting a transphobia- and homophobia-laden screed against a well-known repacker. in terms of neatly tying up whether there were any methods of getting this game that wouldn't support someone shitty, that sure did tie it up!! /neg
#If you want to know i can't stop you but. i cant tell you enough NOT to go looking cause its soo unnecessarily bad jesus christ#the long story short is that a specific person has a vendetta against denuvo-protected games which HL is#and she posted this wild speech about how she'd crack it in 10 days. failed. cracked in 2 weeks.#and DURING THAT PERIOD. absolutely lost her shit on reddit and got banned everywhere for calling fitg*rl like. every slur in the books#i am of the opinion that tying how well a game does to how bigoted people are with an IP as massive as HP was. maybe a bad move#vs just telling your friends and irls it's a shit game with shit ideas and shit creators and they shouldn't buy it (true)#BUT. like holy fucking shit did i not really expect things to go that far south#ive only been tangentially paying attention because i was not planning on downloading it so probably more has happened#anyways just pirate magician's quest mysterious times its easy and free and you can have pink hair
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The handsome newlyweds ❤️🔥
#love story of the century#1. buy a haunted puppet 2. bond withh that puppet 3. learn he killed a man and don’t bat an eye also he might have a large inheritance#4. find out he’s a halfling that was just born looking like a puppet 5. meet his mom 6. start dating#7. after being together for a week get married during a holiday that you will not remember due to all the substances you’ve taken#8. double down and get married again in a ceremony you will remember. you have been dating a week.#oh also his dad is a choas demon. what a dreamboat#digital art#dnd#dungeons and dragons#dnd characters#dnd art#godless campaign#tiefling#I’m fucking wild about them
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i need to bitch about my job for a minute in the tags
#ok so a senior role was made available in my team that i could’ve applied for#and there’s two of us in the team so. yknow pretty certain that one of us would get it#it was sort of replacing someone who left who handled a fucktonne of work across two other teams i work with#and ultimately i decided not to apply for the job because 1. the other guy on my team has been there two years longer than i have#and 2. my health is fucking precarious#mental and physical. i already work slightly reduced hours to try and manage my chronic fatigue but even then i have frequent crashes#and whenever my workload gets too much i just shut down. like the worst stress response ever#so my coworker got the job and a hefty pay rise and im like good for him :)#and then he went on leave for 6 weeks so i got handed 60% of his workload#and when you get handed people’s projects you get a good insight into how they work and how they coordinate shit/write documents etc#and not only are these projects a piece of piss compared to the aid programme stuff i’ve been doing#his actual work is like?? not great#i know i’m a perfectionist and i put way too much effort into my documents and reports but#there’s no way this guy is being paid $30k more for this!!#so now i’m like why didn’t i fucking interview for the senior role!!#i have this terrible impostor syndrome even though i’ve been there a year and get good feedback on my projects#part of it because i’m 22 and i am constantly like how the fuck am i here with an arts degree. i don’t know Anything#but shit man. if this guy’s mediocre work is worth a senior role#i have had a couple of job offers with a decent pay bump which is still wild to me. you want to pay me WHAT#<- well aware this is a great ‘problem’ to have#anyway i think i need a pay rise. we’ve just had a mass exodus from our team. i reckon if i threatened to leave they would lift my salary?#but i don’t know if i want to blackmail my manager lmao
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the bite of an edible I just took tasted mostly like weed, so you know what that means
#[static]#I took just the corner because I just wanted to stress relief and not the high but it was All Weed#well we'll see how long I last playing Dragon's Dogma 2#work was complete ass this whole week just felt off and stressful#hoping that my weekend will be much more relaxing and restful!#the management has just lowkey gone to shit and it's making everyone's lives so much more difficult#i need a breather from the constant subtle anxiety that's been bubbling in my lungs every day#sedate the wild animal and all that#also i think it's so funny that sometimes you'll take half an edible and it doesnt do shit but the other half fucks you up#it's always the weed-tasting side that you know you're about to be vibing for several hours longer than usual
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Every time somebody writes Eddie doing something super cool and sexy I have have headcanon two goblin-esque habits for him to keep it even
#eddie munson x reader#hes despicable and im in love with him and hes not sexy unless he has the energy of a weird loser who does weird off putting stuff#and is sometimes shoved into water idk i need my fictional men as sad and pitiful as possible or else im not attracted to them anymore#u say hes like a super kinky dom that gets ass all the time?#i say he hasnt washed his hair in 2 weeks and wears all those layers bc he gets cold very easily and shivers a lot#idk if anybody else is listening to taz ethersea but theres this lil guy called urchin#and he speaks in a high pitched voice and one of the first things he says is im a nasty lil freak just a wild little guy#the other day i was trying to find a thru line of like when the wretched little man becomes truly my beloved wretched little man#and i think its when they get soaked in water against their will#like a baptism of sorts#to really become the kind of character i will think about for several years#just sopping wet in their clothes on the rest of the adventure while they are touching wet denim#which is always bad#anyway#i feel like i always need to end these by saying that this is 100% genuine and said with love but i feel like if u read this far u know#i just have very specific and very bad taste in dudes#ive been rewatching some formative media lately and hoo boy every fuckin one theres like a soaking wet miserable boy#that i was fucking obsessed with#and every time im like oh yeah thats gotta be the origin#and then i see an earlier one and its that one#who was the original horrrible boy that made me this way?#wait#fuck#fuck wait i do know who it is and now i need to go lay down#fucking annakin skywalker#he and padme were my first ship my first queer crush simultaneously#and aparently absolutely instilled the deep love of sad boy cool girl within me#thats the name my friend gave it and she said it so succinctly that i needed a minute bc thats it#cool girl is also a slug woman in her own ways but shes always confident about it at least#anyway thanks ive had this blog for a week and now u know the entire history of my taste in men thanks for coming to my seminar
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current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit
#damien.txt#sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam#i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually#okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way#and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues#because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit#and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life.#and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if....#and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds#and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm#at a level that is. certainly unhealthy.#and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know!#but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point.#and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals#abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much!#but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess.#idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually#my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks#i am. tired.
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I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long
#talk post#i love this blog i want to live here#I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg#but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before#WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY#(yelling at a mirror)#seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately#and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week#making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts#and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again#this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row#but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school#and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing#and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year#and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it#like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me#PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE#i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean#i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy”#but things only work for so long#i hate the passage of time#anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff)#walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor#ramble#hit post
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medical status: fell from a bicycle in the rain because i got scared of a car driving <30 kmph
#will take this opportunity to talk about how ive been#so. basically im good!#my family and friends are as ok as it gets here/in germany/in ukraine#ive been in switzerland for almost a month now#me n my friend live with a local family in their house. theyre very nice :) weve a separate room for ourselves its great#got money food devices etc#go on walks and enjoy the free public transport........or erm......... also bikes#i go to deutsch courses so im almost a proud A1 user. ich kann deutsch sprechen etc!#WE PLAYED D&D WITH SOME LOCAL NERDS WHICH WAS WILD#i dm'd for the first time in ages and it was awesome and everyone liked it and we'll play again in 2 weeks!#i still wanna return to ukraine asap but im super terrified on what horrible developments could happen on may 9 so im j. im just sitting#want the war to be overrrrrrrrrrrrrrr wanna find out if my apartments been bombed (probably yeah its in a Hot District)#found out that Knoppers tm r is a great chocolate bar so if youre ever in der schweiz or deutschland i do recommend you try it#watched Santa Clarita Diet. absolutely incredible and i loved it all the way#couldnt watch sonic 2 -- genuinely a horrible movie. turned off on the moment with siberian guys dancing classical ukrainian hopak#no offence especially to my treasured mutual t4tails sorry#ummmm ated a fucking chip......................... listen my life has been fucking slow ok#i just wanna go back and fullfill my OG plan of QUIT JOB STREAM TWITCH !!!#BUY GAMING PC for that i need STABLE HOUSING and for that . well :)#sigh#imma play stardew valley now. my leg hurts. see ya soon + hopefully i figure out the drawing situash cause i wanna draw digitally#yoo my post
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I Love thunder storms and the reminder I am here alive in a crazy world where weather happens but also I am here. I am here right now. The storm is making sure I know it. Love that
#I love it cos storms are like woooah mad wild#but also it’s JUST a thunder storm#like as long as u follow very basic safety Ur fine like you can even go outside it’s safe but a bit wet#the people I lived with were such arseholes to me when there was a storm cos I didn’t like hide away#I was like wow so pretty I’m gonna make a drink and sit by the window!#and they were acting like their week was completely ruined by some dark clouds and because I didn’t join them in being miserable#I literally remember being in a cot in my brothers room. and being fascinated by a storm#so I’d have been like 2? cos I didn’t have a room of my own#last year was wild if just always have people taking out their anger in me for the dumbest fucking reasons bro I’m just trying to exist#anyway hayfever is not killing me today I’m happy:)#there isn’t a storm but I was thinking abt how thrilling they r
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#botw#breath of the wild#you guys I’m not joking#I’ve been wandering around hurdle for 2 weeks doing fuck all#bc I CANNOT get past this thing#I actually want to cry how do you do it#I am not a gamer girl!!! all I want to do is find shrines and ride horses!!!#the other blights were so easy in comparison I want to scream WHY is the thunder so difficult#he moves so freaking fast#the streets are saying block and parry#if I knew how to do that with 100% accuracy we wouldn’t be in this mess smh#anyway I’m sure I’ll work it out eventually but it’s just so frustrating
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every goddamn time i try to end my the wilds obsession because it is literally quite taking over my life, i try to watch a different show or get back into a different fandom and i fucking cant
because they will never have the most beautiful female relationships/friendships where they are all unhinged and complex but a fucking family
#the wilds#the wilds girls#the wilds season 2#i am literally fucking in love#help this obsession has been going on for weeks#my brain is just the wilds#nothing else in there#i have read every the wilds fic on ao3
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so something crazy is that while im trying to archive my art from dA over to my neocities, i. remembered that I put my first attempt at the tm2 comic into 'storage'. now. i have not been to dA in a Few Years, and the layout is different, but u USED to be able to easily find the 'manage deviantations' page or whatever. like where u could put stuff in and out of storage w a click?? but they HID THE OPTION and I freaked out thinking they removed it entirely and. deleted the old 2015 color version of the comic. they did NOT they just hid it so that u can only find it by typing out the link manually (what the fuck) but. I GOT the comic. and I un-stored it (basically unprivated it) so. I will never worry abt that again LOL
#very scary moment it was abt to have been lost media :") i got it all on my website now (still trying to make it cute so itll be another#week or two untl i link it but yes! archived a BUNCH of art on hidden pages for now#but soon theyll be avalible to look at if anyone wants to ^_^ obv they are discontinued but....its wild! seeing how much the story and my#art have changed....aaaa....#sanchoyorambles#this was my first time logging into da for SO long...shook at how ugly the layout is now.#it is really bad and i think they support nfts? which is also bad and ugly#fuck u dA u used to be my bff....what happened 2 u......
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ok fine whatever look let me just say. idk how long these suspensions are but they are as of right now too fucking long i just thought of like a 90 day lack of bucks and yeah you know what that sucks for me. it does. and im so brave to say it.
#last part of this post is not serious obviously but god i want the spinny flippy weirdo brothers back its been like 2 weeks#thats too long. also bc in general this whole lineup lately is completely wild as hell#d*rby v matt hardy. why. ethan page v danhausen. why also. like thats fun but thats a three min match.#willow v penelope fucks severely im so down for that but like STILL#wheres the flavour wheres the colour. are pac & orange going at it again tn ? again thats fine but like For Why ? Right Now .#obviously i KNOW why im just saying it doesnt satisfy me like fucking hell come up w spmething better#theres so much underlying tension in the womens divis you could EASILY make a story out of and give that some time now but ig not
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