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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

You & Me : chapter 1

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes!!! hello to all of you, who gave AM CONVERSATIONS a chance and are ready to join me for this sequel too. thank you so so much, ill never say it enough. you make me want to write and that in itself is incredible for me. i hope i can surprise you, make you laugh, make you a bit frustrated and make you emotional, too. i really hope it reaches your expectations and maybe even exceed them, who knows! (fingers crossed!) please please please, keep the comments, suggestions, ideas, requests, questions and asks coming, it means everything to me! (ill start adding requests to the chapters a bit later btw, i need to set the story first!) so here it is.

Chapter 1 : His chapter

NIALL

Time passed by so quickly I had a hard time keeping track. I thought about Olivia every day and although I did miss the romantic relationship we had, most of all, I missed the friendship. I hadn't seen her in over a year and I was not really sure I ever would again. I did know almost everything there was to know, though, and I was also aware that she had moved to California, which was the place I lived half the year.

After I broke up with her, I had spent a lot of time locked at home just writing songs, and one of my favorite things to do was to check her father's web site and read the reviews she wrote about upcoming movies. One day, though, she published a short story that became popular very fast. She started filming it instead and turned it into a low budget online tv show. Luckyly for me, she didn't have the money to hire real actors and she ended up playing it in herself. I felt like a loser and a creepy ex boyfriend every time i'd lock myself in my room, in the dark, to watch the new episode, but I couldn't help it. She made q&a's videos and she seemed happy but for me, the more time passed, the more I realized that I needed her in my life.

My debut album was doing great and I was leaving on tour in a few months. I should be the happiest I have ever been but I couldn't hide that the songs I was about to sing every night still made me very emotional. My life was not all bad, of course. in fact, it was probably the best time of my life but it was tough for me to realize that I wouldn't be able to share it with my best friend... the girl I still wanted to end my life with.

My phone beeped as I was walking in the busy streets and I quickly searched my pockets to read the incoming text message.

'Don't forget to pick the cake for Joey at the bakery.'

I rolled my eyes and quickly typed an answer.

'Almost there.'

It was not a lie. Ten more seconds and I was pushing the doors of one of the biggest bakeries around. I didn't see the point in getting such an expensive and big cake for a birthday but I also didn't like to argue so I just went along with it.

I leaned against the counter and smiled as an employee moved closer.

"I'm here to pick up an order." I explained in a low tone. "Horan."

The lady smiled and nodded before leaving and I turned around, leaning more against the counter. I took my phone and started checking my messages until I heard it. Something I never thought i'd ever hear again. A laugh. It was clear and happy and although extremely fucking cheesy, it reached my heart like nothing else ever had in my life. I stopped breathing and my heart twisted but it took me a few seconds to react. I looked around the place but couldn't see her anywhere until I realized there was an other room a bit further. I took a few steps closer, a bit scared of what I was going to see but at the same time, I was full of hope.

I saw her first. She was standing up on the side, her head slightly down and her nose raised up. She seemed to glow in a way only she could and the thumping of my heart against my rib cage got even worse. She laughed again and something inside of me seemed to wake up suddenly from a very long slumber. It took me a few seconds to realize she was with Julie and when she noticed me, she hit Olivia's arm a few times to get her attention. With a quick chin movement, she incited her to turn to me and I held my breath when our eyes finally met. I was trying to decipher how she felt through her facial expressions but I couldn't seem to. Did we lose that connection we had? Was it gone forever?

I cleared my throat but walked up to them, trying to act casual as I sent both of them a smile.

"Hey, it's been a while."

"It has, in fact." Julie just replied. "Liam wanted to invite you over soon, so just text him."

My eyes moved to her and I sent her a small smile before nodding. "Will do."

I pushed both my hands in my pockets, feeling suddenly nervous to be around her. Her eyes finally met mine and she smiled to me sincerely. I expected her to be a bit embarrassed, or to feel uneasy, but she tilted her head and I let my eyes roam on her face. She smelled exactly like I remembered, the addicting scent of vanilla and honey invading me completely, and once again, my heart skipped a beat.

"It's been even longer for us." I just said, making her nod slightly. "How are you? How's your boyfriend?"

She chuckled and shrugged. "We're both good, thanks for asking, what about you and your girlfriend?"

"Good, we're good."

My eyes moved on her features and I licked my lips, suddenly wondering if hers tasted like they used to..

"Congrats on your tv show, by the way, it's incredible" I added, trying to keep the conversation going. "I'm very happy for you."

We both heard Julie's phone ring but I kept my eyes on her, giving her all my attention.

"Thank you! I'm having a blast with this I mean, who would have thought acting was so much fun, you know? I knew I loved writing but this is... beyond my expectations." she expressed with passion, making me smile more. "Oh and congrats on your first album!"

"Oh thank you, thanks!"

I moved slightly and opened her mouth to say something just as Julie came back and we both turned around as she hung up.

"Okay so Liam says we have to pick 'chocolate'."

I frowned and suddenly remembered where we were, my eyes roaming around the bakery and I licked my lips again. They had a few plates placed on the counter in front of them with pieces of different cakes and I realized it was probably for a wedding cake.

"I thought we were the ones in charge?" Liv frowned, moving her hands up while looking at Julie. "Since when does he get a say in this?"

"Wedding cake? Can I taste?"

I moved forward and grabbed a fork, taking a bite from the chocolate one.

"Mmhm dis one's gweat!" I replied, my mouth full, making Olivia roll her eyes with a smile. "I agree with Liam." I continued with a smirk after swallowing.

I hadn't seen Liam in a few months and now I knew why he wanted to invite me over. It was only a matter of time until he'd ask Julie to marry him. After all, they had been dating for years and nothing would ever tear them apart. It reminded me of my mistakes and all the things I regretted. My eyes found Liv again and I swallowed the lump in my throat. The way I broke up with her and especially the reasons why I did it were horrible but we would end up together, I was still sure about that, as pathetic as it sounded. I didn't tell anyone, I knew they would say i'm delusional and I didn't want to let them kill that conviction or even make it falter.

"Thanks for your input, Niall." Liv joked, raising her nose up with a smile. "Your opinion's been noted."

I laughed and it made her laugh too and for some odd reason, it brought a bunch of memories in my head. That time we played football together and I fell on top of her... or that time we danced in the living room and tripped over each other... that time we fucked on the stairs of a radio station and had to rush down and out not to be caught... that time we made love for the first time next to my christmas tree... that time...

"Niall?"

"Mm?"

"You okay?" she asked with a frown, a smile still gracing her lips.

"Oh yea, sorry it's just... it's good to hear you laugh again."

This time, her smile turned into a fond one and I smiled too. We kept staring at each other for a while and all I could think about was how beautiful and radiating she was. Even in the way she was standing up and moving, I could see that she was more confident and happy and that her insecurities weren't as bad as they used to be. It was not just a facade.

"You're... glowing." I let out, feeling suddenly uncomfortable with my confession. I chuckled, a little embarrassed, and scratched the back of my head, trying to think of something to add before she could answer. "It's crazy that we meet, I mean, we both moved here and it's a big city."

She nodded, understanding that I didn't want to talk about the first thing I had mentioned and she finally just shrugged and shook her head.

"Yea well, you know what they say, it's a small world after all." she just replied, making me smile more.

"L.A. is a world in itself, it's true." I agreed before laughing again. "Love how you quoted disney, and also not surprised."

"Some things never change."

Her words made something twist in my stomach. The only thing that never really changed in the past two years was the love I felt for her. It was sad how it was still strong and burning my insides. I was still in love with the girl I broke up with a year ago, a girl I was seeing for the first time in months, a girl that did so fucking well without me.

"Just like your love for coffee, yea?"

I glanced up only to notice Julie was tasting cakes, making sure to stay further to give us space, but knowing her, she was probably listening to every single word Liv and I were sharing.

"I.. still love coffee."

"Good, how about one, tomorrow, to catch up?"

Her lips parted and I knew why she hesitated. It was a mix of what we used to mean for each other, the hurt I put her through, the fact that we were both taken and also, the uncertainty of us still getting along after all this. The truth was, I needed a 'yes'. I needed to see her again, to talk to her again. I needed her in my life. This whole plan of us ending up together was based on us becoming friends again but reality had just hit me. If she didn't want to be around me anymore, there were barely any chance left for us to date again. That was something I hadn't thought about too much.

I took my phone out of my pocket again and handed it to her after unlocking it. She glanced at it before looking back in my eyes and I just shrugged.

"If you want to add your number." I proposed gently. "I mean, unless you think your boyfriend wouldn't like that."

The truth was, I didn't care at all, and I knew that would trigger her into doing the opposite.

"He's never tried to stop me from seeing anyone. He's not the jealous type."

I didn't say anything, I just raised my eyebrows with a smile and she finally grabbed the phone from my hand while rolling her eyes with a smile. I stared at her with a grin as she typed and when she handed it back to me, I quickly sent her a smiling emoji to make sure she also had my number. Her phone made music as it received my text message and my smile faltered. I remembered when it was my voice she had used as a ringtone and as a notification for her messages. Of course, I couldn't expect her to have kept it after all this time but it still did something to me to realize that she was now using something else. So many things had changed and despite what I tried to make myself believe, it really fucking hurt.

"Oh is that... the theme of your tv show?"

I knew damn well it was but I didn't want to make it seem like I was obsessed with it only to see her face, even if it was exactly that. When did I fall into this disgusting pattern of regretting my own decisions? Now that I was standing right in front of her, I realized that it was a bit creepy of me but at the same time, I couldn't help myself.

"Yes! It's good isn't it?"

It was, in fact, very good, and I also knew exactly who wrote it and who was singing, but once again, I didn't mention it.

"Yea, definitely."

She sent me a smile that I sent back and we suddenly went quiet. I kept staring at her, wondering what she'd do if I'd just cup her face and kissed her but also knowing i'd never have the guts to do it. Having her so close made all my feelings so much more real, vivid and alive that I could barely breathe in her presence.

We had been friends for decades and had dated for a year but never before have I felt like this around her. Everything about her was shining in a way it never did before and what emanated from her was reflecting on me and illuminating my soul. I had no idea how she did that and most likely, she wasn't even aware of the effect she had on me.

"It's just... so good to see you." I let out, shaking my head as she raised her eyebrows and smiled.

I had missed her. I had missed her energy, her presence, her vibe. I had missed her laughter, her touch and her kisses. I had missed her friendship and her love. It was hard to believe I actually broke up with her for... for what, exactly?

"You too, Nee." she just said, tilting her head. "I'll text you."

I knew in the way that she was looking at me that we weren't on the same page and even though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I sort of wished she would still love me the way she used to. Hell, even just half of the love she used to feel for me would be enough. But there she was, standing in front of me, acting like we didn't have this painful and crazy history, and that hurt in a way I couldn't explain.

"Liv, are you gonna help or not?" Julie let out from a bit further, sticking her fork in one of the pieces of cake. "I'm getting a bit nauseous, you know I don't have a sweet tooth!"

Olivia looked back but turned again to me and chuckled without answering her. It made me laugh a bit when I saw her expression. Finally, something that was still exactly the same.

"Sorry, i'm gonna have to-"

"Yea no, it's cool." I replied, cutting her and frowning as I shook my head and shrugged. "Just text me."

"NEIL HOREIN?"

I grimaced at the sound of my name being mispronounced and cringed slightly, making Olivia laugh even more.

"I should be used to this but I never will." I admitted, my eyes closed. "You'd think after a few platinum albums, people would get it right."

"Well, keeps you grounded doesn't it?" she joked, trying to suppress a laugh.

"For sure." I just agreed, rising my nose up before sending her a smile. "Take care yea?"

Without thinking, I brought my hand up and my fingers brushed against the skin of her arm and I realized I hadn't touched her in over a year. It gave me a shock that seemed to cross my entire body and I held my breath, taking my hand back. She didn't seem fazed at all by this connection and she just raised her hand up as a goodbye sign. I took a step back and finally turned around to reach the front of the shop to pay. I turned to look at her again but she was back to trying out cakes and I took the box the lady behind the counter was handing me before thanking her and leaving.

Everything seemed surreal as I stepped foot out and I held my breath and closed my eyes until I heard my phone beep again. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of Olivia messaging me already but it dropped when I noticed it was only my girlfriend again.

'So? The cake?'

I sighed, slightly annoyed, but typed a quick answer as I was reaching my car.

'Got it. On my way.'

-----

I quickly opened the door and took my shoes off before closing it with my foot and walking to the kitchen. I didn't know where my girlfriend was and simply put the cake in the fridge before sitting down in the living room, grabbing my guitar and putting it on my lap. I took the notebook I had left on the coffee table and started scribbling the two-line lyrics that had been stuck in my head the whole drive until home.

I was not ready for a new album yet but that didn't mean I couldn't work on new music while waiting and I just stared at the words written for a few seconds without blinking. Quickly, I added a few words before and worked on the verses. I could feel my heart beat hard against my rib cage as I re-read the words and I finally took my guitar and started playing while recording myself. I didn't know if half an hour had even passed when I heard footsteps coming from downstairs and I stopped recording, barely believing I had written something decent enough to be used in a future album. I was so lost in my mind that it took me a few seconds to realize someone was taking to me.

"Niall? Hello?"

"Mm?" I blinked a few times and turned my head, my eyes meeting my girlfriend's. "Sorry love, what did you say?"

"The. Cake." she let out very annoyed, after probably repeating it a few times.

"The. Fridge." I replied meanly, feeling suddenly a bit guilty for being rude. "You're gonna have to try and trust me, you know." I added slightly louder as she reached the kitchen.

She came back with a bottle of water and sat next to me, swallowing half of it quickly. She was wearing her work-out clothes and pushed her high ponytail over her shoulder, taking one of her earbuds off.

"I thought you were going out for a run?" I asked, frowning for a second before closing the notebook in front of me.

I didn't want her to read what I had written or to ask to hear it but I knew it was not likely that she would. She had stopped caring about things I enjoyed a while ago. Why did we start dating again?

"Wasn't in the mood to be photographed." she let out with a grimace, making me chuckle.

"Oh yea? Since when?"

She turned to me and if looks could kill, i'd be fucking dead on the spot. I cleared my throat and shrugged a shoulder, leaning against the couch. I wanted to point out to her that I was right but instead, I closed my eyes, humming my new song and feeling something twist in my chest. How could one person inspire me so much? Was she also going to be the muse for my second album? I desperately wanted to believe i'd be back with her soon and be able to write a few happy songs for the second one but after the short encounter we just had had, I was not even sure she still had feelings for me. It did the opposite for me, though ; i was now totally sure that I was still in love with her.

"Okay well, can you order?" my girlfriend asked, taking me out of my daydream as she put her hand on my thigh. "I need to rehearse a bit more, okay?"

She didn't wait for my answer and just got up, running back downstairs with her water bottle and I closed my eyes again. After I broke up with Olivia, I decided to go out every night, have fun and fuck whoever I wanted. The first few times felt amazing but the more I was fucking around, the more I realized it was not for me. The flirting part was nice enough, and the sex wasn't so bad most of the time but the feeling i'd get when i'd wake up in the morning was horrible, like a bitter aftertaste of some expired milk that remained in your fridge for too long. The truth was, sex with a stranger is good, but never as good as sex with someone you love, for many many reasons. When feelings were involved, there was clearly something stronger coming from the whole moment and after a while, you know that person so well that you know exactly what she wants and what it means when she does a certain face, or moans a certain way. There was something important and safe in the choreography of our bodies and I hadn't found that special feeling and connection with anyone else, not even my current girlfriend. No, sex was not everything, but with the right person, it was ecstatic and emotional at the same time.

I grabbed my phone and looked at our conversation. There was only the smiling emoji I had sent her yet and I started nibbling on my bottom lip. She hadn't messaged me yet and I was a bit scared she never would. I started typing a message slowly, telling myself that if she'd never message me, at least, she'd know how I felt.

'If honesty means telling you the truth, well i'm still in love with you'

I blinked a few times, staring at the words I had typed from the song I had written, until I couldn't read them anymore due to the tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe I was crying, I couldn't believe it would hurt so much to see her so well without me and at the same time, that thought was so selfish it made me feel guilty. After all, I was the one who had broken up with her, and she didn’t owe me anything. She hadn’t spent the last year dwelling on the past or crying for me.

I swallowed, ready to hit 'send', when my phone beeped. I wiped my eyes quickly and the left corner of my lips raised up. I felt like someone had taken a load off my shoulders and I breathed in deeply as I read her message.

'Coffee tomorrow afternoon, are you free? 🤪'

I chuckled at the emoji and quickly, I deleted the lyrics I was about to send her to replace it with an answer to her question. I wanted to see her and if she had asked me to drive to her at this exact moment, I would have in a heartbeat. Everything I did in the past year was only to lead me to this exact moment.

'Always free for you 🥰'

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan smut #niall horan writing #niall horan story #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #my fanfics #yam #OPWDJHFALZDFSDZXCV IM SO STRESSED OMG

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anautisticdragon-blog · 7 years

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I Love The McElroy Bros

I'd like to launch off of my last post by talking about men who occupy both ends of the sociopathic spectrum. Those who embrace the virtues of toxic masculinity and all those iconic ideas of maleness, and those who just eschew them in favour of something better, all the while giving absolutely no damns what others think.

This harks back to one of those hallmark periods of my life which serve to remind me of why I'm so jaded today, why I've such a very low opinion of humanity in general (though that's mostly focused at both extraverts and straight men, if I'm honest). It was a time when I was struggling with my autism, due to my identity, trying to figure everything out and looking for support.

I was part of a community called Rock, Paper, Shotgun. It's a British gaming site devoted to video games journalizm (yes, that kind). I didn't know any better than to not be there at the time, I didn't know why I should avoid places like that in favour of more inviting locales like Polygon. It was very much a British boys gaming club, for boys, with very few gurls allowed. I remember how they even had to bring on a handful of women due to rumblings about how the site was a cavalcade of never-ending sausages.

A sausage fest, you might say.

Of course, they didn't do that until much later. And one of the first women they brought on board was incredibly masculine and all about that toxic masculinity anyway, so... Not a great change for them.

I'll stop ragging on them for their maleness and get to the meat of this.

I'm sorry. I'll also stop with the sausage jokes.

As an autistic person who's experienced a hell of a lot of prejudice, I bond easily with creatures that don't share a human appearance, who will often be the target of human hatred, violence, and atrocity. Orcs, gnolls, werewolves, dragons, et cetera. What I find interesting is that amongst my gal pals, this love of 'friendly creatures that toxic males perceive to be monsters' is absurdly common???

My lady friends love talking deathclaws almost as much as I do. They love Beast, of both Grant Morrison's X-Men and the original Disney animated film, they're fond of dragons and they'll note that it's unilaterally always going to be sausage fest of 'heroes' they're being assaulted by. Heroes who're just there for the loot, really, who'd certainly never -- not under any circumstances -- ever investigate to discover a "vile dragon's" supposed guilt.

Or lack thereof.

And whilst that sounds sarcastic, I mean it unironically. How often do heroes actually do detective work to find out if that dragon they slew was actually responsible for the atrocities blamed upon them. Do they have evidence? Or is this just toxic masculinity's Vigilante Justice 101? And that's not everyday vigilanteism, mind you. No, not at all. Even Batman is a detective!

But then, hilariously, Batman doesn't buy into toxic masculinity so much. Anyone who's ever seen the DCAU version of him knows exactly where I'm coming from with this. He can actually be quite sensitive, understanding, and perceptive. Not exactly the hard-nosed, right wing conservative that the right wing proponents of toxic masculinity seem to need him to be, eh?

Anyway, the point is is that as an autistic person I could easily see unfounded prejudices. Against gender, colour, or even fantastic racism in video game settings. It all got under my skin a little since it all normalised prejudices, and as a mentally disabled person who's often shunned for 'behaving differently than the norm,' I'm all too familiar with how much of a living taboo a person can be.

So, at this boy's clubhouse of toxic masculinity known as Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'd ask the simple question, plaintively "Why can't we try just attempting to communicate with them first, just to see if we can find out their side of the story?"

And here I was. The sensitive, mentally disabled gay boy ruining the manly men's toxic little clubhouse with a spash of reason. Unthinkable! I'd ask this every now and then, whenever I saw a game whose focus was purely beautiful, extraverted, sociopathic humans slaying creatures I guess we were supposed to assume were "evil monsters" despite a lack of evidence. I just wanted to try talking, is that so completely wrong of me?

They thought so.

I was harshly mocked for over a year (I'm not kidding) about this, until the joke got old. When it finally did, when my amusement value to them had passed, I was banned. It just sort of came out of the blue. What really stung was that Alec Meer, the self-designed autocrat of RPS who banned me, actually saw fit to make fun of my autism publically.

That post is long gone, sadly. I didn't think to make an archive of it at the time because I was so upset. I couldn't understand why they hated me so much for simply wanting to try communicating. I do now, of course. It's all down to toxic masculinity and I was 'taking the fun of their mindless slaughter away with my pansy, sissy-minded, gay empathy.' Which is why RPS Is still mostly a sausage fest.

It was worse for me, too, as someone with bodily dysmorphia. I've been so scarred by humanity that I've been at odds with my outward human appearance for what feels like decades now. Unless a piece of entertainment manages to connect with me emotionally, I'll only enjoy stuff with non-human characters in it. And if there are humans it'll mostly be cartoons just so it's detached enough from what -- to me -- is the monstrous aesthetic that's hurt me so much over the years. The RPS thing is a minor blip in comparison to most of the things I've endured, but I mention it because of what this is all about.

You see, I'm probably what most people would consider the bad kind of "furry" for this reason. Even though I'm not sure if I identify as furry, as much for their sake as my own. I'm just a guy with bodily dysmorphia who'd rather be a shapeshifting robot. Admittedly one who'd often take on the appearance of a werewolf, but still.

So this year of being made fun of -- and I don't know why I stuck around, really, other than hoping they'd actually see that they were being genuinely horrible people -- cut me a little. I became a running joke, a meme. The autistic guy that everyone laughs at for being... hm, how would they always put it? Wrong-faced? Yes. Absolutely lovely turn of phrase to use on someone who's also physically disfigured.

Yeah, my life has sucked. Sorry. I'm a bit of a quasimodo, it's why I don't really go outdoors.

All this because I wanted to communicate. I saw prejudice, I couldn't not. I realised it, I called it, and I questioned it. I asked whether the game might be more fun if we could talk instead.

Apparently most people just want to run around gutting things. It explains the popularity of Fallout 4 over Fallout New Vegas to some crowds, I suppose. One game is one where you can talk yourself out of damn nearly every situation without any violent confrontations, and the other being one where you're given one shopping list of targets to murder after another. Those who've played both will know which is which. Or even those who've played one of them.

I'm just a talker. I'm the kind of person who realises that if we ever met aliens, we wouldn't want to send the extraverted sociopaths who'd try to manipulate them by shaking their hands and putting their backs without realising that they don't have hands to shake, or backs to pat. That this effort might even be seen as hugely offensive.I've always found that when it comes to extraverts -- especially those who're weighed own by toxic masculinity -- their strong suit isn't ever really introspection, is it?

So, the McElroys, then.

I think most people might think that the reason I'm saying this is because of their stance on furries. Oh, sure, that's a part of it. Perhaps it's due to their view that being inclusive and permissive is better (and funnier, due to those who it offends)? And that's part of it, too. Once again, though, it's not why I was inspired to write this thing up.

I listen to The Adventure Zone.

Justin tried talking to the giant crystalline creature. It might've been a joke, but he tried.

More impressively, and the part that really hit home with me, Travis wanted to try talking with the voidfish. Travis has always struck me as a giant baby who'd rather talk, given the opportunity. It's funny that he's playing some kind of beefcake warrior (perhaps somewhat ironically) in The Adventure Zone because of how feminine and sensitive he is. Which I very, very much support. Oh how much I do.

He wanted to try talking with the voidfish. He was excited by the prospect of talking with such an inhuman entity and I'm actually trying not to cry, now. I don't know why this is all making me so emotional but god damn it Travis...

And then Griffin, god fucking damn it, had to actually go and include the rest of it. I actually had to mute while I was listening to this with my partner because I started crying, I'm a huge baby. I know it was as much for the humour as anything, but it still really got to me. The hand on the glass, the jamming session that followed, it was all really powerful stuff for me.

And you know roughly where I am in listening to The Adventure Zone right now, eh?

I need to stop crying.

Anyway... I've always been ousted and shunned because of my disability. Mental disability is a weird thing. It's an invisible prejudice, in a way. I should be in a position where I'm privileged, probably. Except due to how I behave, how I talk, how I hold myself, my body language, and everything else? I'm shunned, I'm often ostracised. People find me strange and undesirable. I'm a living taboo.

I think a lot of very autistic people feel this way. As I said, due to this along with my physical disfigurement? It's why I haven't left my house in decades. The biggest event in my life has been trying to get my partner a fiance visa lately so that we can be together in the UK, we spent five months together and those were the most amazing I'd experienced.

The only memories I have that can match those are the times I've enjoyed spending with dogs. Dogs are a bit too physical for me a lot of the time, their games and ways are very overloading, but I still love them and I enjoy being around them.

I don't know where this is going any more.

Anyway, Travis? Love ya, man. You too, Justin. And Griffin. Even you, Clint. Sorry. That's probably weird.

The thing is? I'm just that sensitive to prejudice. So even obvious fantasy prejudice gets to me and gets me down, I can easily see when it's just a stand-in for the real thing in a fantasy world, it's there to normalise prejudices and give people with a prejudicial mindset a very safe, happy place to be where they can be bile-filled sacks of sheer hatred and never, ever be challenged.

That's what RPS wanted, until I ruined their little boy's clubhouse. With my undesirable empathy. What a shitbag I am. A waster, an intolerable douchefuck of a loser who wants to talk to non-human fantasy creatures. Who wants to do that when we could jam our phalluses in them and make them dead with our magnificent maleness?

It was just... It was so cathartic that Travis unironically wanted to try and communicate with the voidfish. That and the wonderful way they handled Klarg the bugbear, their 'hugbear.'

I just love you guys. It felt oddly vindicating that a group so popular doesn't go for the whole toxic masculinity thing. It's nice.

Thank you.

I'm a neurotic fucker and most of my memories are of hurt, betrayal, pain, and suffering. It's sucked. Like I said, being mentally disabled is one of the worst things you can be because no one seems to recognise the prejudice you have to endure. And I've had to endure some fairly terrible shit. To the point where it's genuinely, desperately difficult to have any faith in humanity in general. I'm not a misanthrope, as I'd never want to see my worst enemy suffer. I'm just...

I'm tired of our species' crap. Frankly. We always think we're so great but we should be judged on how we treat those who aren't like us. Which is probably why we haven't been visited by more advanced life, eh? Anyway, I won't get maudlin on you, the melon collies can back right up a bit...

Thing is? You guys managed to touch me with your shenanigans. So I really do mean it when I say thank you. Sometimes, people like you are a bit of a beacon of light in what, for me, is a very dark, hopeless world.

Now if I could just stop bloody crying.

Why am I like this on Tumblr?

Regardless, thank you.

#the mcelroy brothers #the mcelroys #thezonecast #the adventure zone

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