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Radio Abel, Season Three

Part 7 of 7

Details about the clips contained in this post are under the cut:

This post contains the Newsfright segments, the Laments of the World excerpts, some clips related to time of day, and some miscellaneous scenes. Each set of clips will contain information on where they fit chronologically. Additionally, each individual clip will begin with a brief descriptive note in italics.

(the following set of clips takes place before S3M25)

(the following clip takes place after S3M2)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens, and welcome to Newsfright, our new segment in which we discuss the news and rumors from here in Fraternal Alliance land.

ZOE CRICK: We'll be bringing you all the latest news as it happens, because what you don't know can kill you. Here's Jack with our top story for today.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, listeners, today's news is a real blast from the past. Now, it seems our old friend Red Eye is back! And, more importantly, he's real.

ZOE CRICK: Who the heck is Red Eye?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, it's some stupid rumor Jack heard about ages ago.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

EUGENE WOODS: A person who got bitten, but instead of turning, gained superhuman powers and can control zombies now.

ZOE CRICK: Ooh... spooky.

JACK HOLDEN: Listen, it's not a stupid rumor, because... because right, Adrien – you know, the guy in the bunk next to us, Runner Thirty-one? - now look, he was out yesterday and he said he saw this guy running around holding his hand out to the zoms, and they were just doing his bidding! Look, look, at one point, right, apparently he got them all to just jump off a cliff. Like lemmings! Boom! Proof. Red Eye.

ZOE CRICK: I don't know. Magical powers? Surely there's a scientific explanation for that. Weren't the folk at Abel working on some kind of zombie repellent spray?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No no no, that was a spray that put the zoms to sleep! They aren't cats, Zoe. You can't just spritz them until they stop clawing the furniture.

EUGENE WOODS: You're both wrong. And it doesn't matter, though. Whatever the real explanation is, there's no way that that was Red Eye! He's just a campfire story.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah, yeah yeah, and I suppose the story Adrien told me about how they found Red Eye cryogenically frozen inside a top secret government facility hidden under a dam is just a campfire story as well.

EUGENE WOODS: Yes! 100%!

JACK HOLDEN: No!

ZOE CRICK: It does sound like that guy's a bit crazy, Jack.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that's your headline news for today. In politics now, rumors abound that Abel's expecting the arrival of a new head honcho following the tragic death of previous commander, Major De Santa. Speculation is rife about who this might be, from where they are being sent, and whether or not this marks a sea change in the fight to retake Britain.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. That's all for today, folks. We'll be back after this.

(the following clip takes place after S3M3)

EUGENE WOODS: It's that time, everyone: your regular update with all the latest news from, well, our area. It's time for Newsfright. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Our hot story today, listeners: a mysterious crash, sounds in the forest, and a daring rescue. According to top sources in New Canton's dining hall, witnesses reported seeing a helicopter come down over the forest near Abel Township. A short while later, our sources tell us a series of loud noises were heard, followed by a group of runners, seemingly from Abel, retreating from the scene. Here with some rampant speculation, it's Jack Holden and Phil Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What's your take on this story, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, I think all signs point towards a smoke monster infestation in that forest, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, easy there. That kind of reckless speculation could cause panic amongst our listeners. Do you have any evidence?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, as everybody knows, smoke monsters are highly territorial, and often target light aircraft. Now, a native forest creature, the smoke monster can be recognized by its distinctive mating call – the sound of trees falling over near dramatic events.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And what is your response to claims that this was an aviation disaster which caused structural damage to several trees in the forest area, causing them to topple due to the weight of the helicopter, which had become lodged in their branches?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, Phil, I don't think science can prove it one way or another.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Phil.

EUGENE WOODS: Sports news now. New Canton's Archie Jensen's memorial hide and seek championship played out yesterday. Hot favorite Sophie Baker was eliminated early in the game after being discovered hiding inside one of the greenhouses, leaving the field wide open. A spate of eliminations quickly followed, with popular hiding spots including the trees near the duck pond and underneath the bunks in housing units nine through eleven.

The contest continued, as per Miss Jensen's last wishes, until only one hider remained: young Thomas Rice, who stayed hidden for five hours and forty-two minutes to claim the victory. Our congratulations to him. That's all from us today. Your regular programming will resume after this.

(the following clip takes place after S3M6)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, citizens. It's time for another Newsfright segment. Here's Eugene Woods your headlines.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. We have an extraordinary story for you today, guys. Our sources tell us that a team of runners was recently dispatched from Abel Township to investigate sightings of a giant robot in the vicinity. It has also been reported that the runners came under threat from hostiles in the local area, but were rescued in the nick of time by said giant robot. For more on this story, we go to our technology correspondent, Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Details are scant at the moment, but as far as we can tell, this machine is quite simply unlike anything we've ever encountered before. Reports are that the robot stands 15 feet tall, and has been seen using some kind of green laser-like beam to, and I quote, "Totally, like, evaporate zombies."

JACK HOLDEN: Zoe, is there any word on whether this robot is using a fusion power source, or some other conventional fuel?

ZOE CRICK: Not yet, Jack, but I'd suggest that fusion is the likeliest option here, given the power potentially required to run a laser of the size and intensity we might be talking about here, if our sources our correct.

JACK HOLDEN: Mmhmm. Yeah, that makes complete sense. Thanks, Zoe.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Entertainment news now. And local toddler Nancy Carlyle has been thrilling residents of New Canton with her animal impressions. The two year old resident of Unit Seven is said to have an extensive repertoire, including ducks, sheep, dogs, and cows. [stifles laughter] Performances daily from lunch until naptime. That's it from us, today. Thanks to Eugene Woods, Zoe Crick, and Jack Holden. I've been Phil Cheeseman, and this has been Newsfright.

(the following clip takes place after S3M10)

JACK HOLDEN: And now, we bring you another installment of Newsfright. Here's Phil Cheeseman with your top story.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. Today we bring you a tale of intrigue, kidnap, and terror, as the Phantom of Abel strikes again. Friends of eyewitnesses in Abel have told our sources that strange noises have been heard late at night around the township recently, with residents waking the next day to find various valuables missing. These incidents have been popularly ascribed to the so-called Phantom of Abel, we're told.

Our sources have reported hearing from runners in the field that later, an odd figure matching the Phantom's rumored description was seen shortly before Abel's Runner Five disappeared while out on a run. Here to discuss the Phantom's motives are Eugene Woods and Zoe Crick.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. It seems clear to me that the Phantom aims to take Runner Five hostage until certain demands are met by those at Abel Township. Until those demands are communicated to us, however, we can but speculate on what they might be. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. I think we can all agree that these demands are highly likely to be connected to the Phantom's well-discussed love of personal trinkets, broken electronics, and odd socks. There's an expectation that the Phantom is going to be asking for one item of emotional significance from every resident of Abel, along with at least 12 locks of hair.

EUGENE WOODS: [shudders] Killing stuff. And what of the baseless accusations that the Phantom could be nothing more than a popular myth used to explain the disappearance of many unrelated objects?

ZOE CRICK: I see no reason to give those further creedence by commenting on them.

EUGENE WOODS: Of course. Thanks for your time, Zoe. We'll be back shortly.

(the following clip takes place after S3M11)

EUGENE WOODS: And now, we bring you another installment of Newsfright, our regular news feature in which we -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe's got a boyfriend.

ZOE CRICK: Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sing-song voice] Boyfriend, boyfriend, Zoe's got a boyfriend.

ZOE CRICK: He's just some kid who's -

EUGENE WOODS: - update you on the latest news from Abel and the New Canton area. Here with today's headline is Jack - oh, what's the point.

ZOE CRICK: - he's not my boyfriend.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you may say that, but we all know the truth, Zoe. You found love where you least expected it: after the apocalypse.

ZOE CRICK: You're an idiot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, sorry. Eugene, were you - ?

EUGENE WOODS: Trying to do Newsfright? Yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. Go ahead.

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Here's Jack Holden with your headline story.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Eugene. And our top story today is that our own Zoe Crick has totally found a lovey dovey boyfriend woyfriend, with whom she's absolutely going to be locking lips later in an abandoned sewage treatment plant. Now, our sources indicate that Cupid has indeed been sighted in the air, and I quote, "His aim has never been better." [laughs] We pass over to our top correspondent de l'amour, Philip "Cassanova" Cheeseman, for more insight.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. Judging by the alignment of Jupiter with -

ZOE CRICK: Enough. Enough, okay? Okay? You've had your jokes. I get it. Very funny. [humorless laugh] But can we please stop titting around and get back to our jobs? Please?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, sure.

JACK HOLDEN: Sorry. Sorry.

ZOE CRICK: Thank you. Eugene, music.

EUGENE WOODS: Is he cute?

[JACK HOLDEN and PHIL CHEESEMAN laugh]

(the following clip takes place after S3M12)

JACK HOLDEN: Welcome back to Newsfright, listeners. Today's top story is something a little special, in that our top reporters, Phil and Zoe, are also our firsthand sources. Phil, do you want to tell us what happened?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, thanks, Jack. Well, Zoe and I were on our way to the Invasive Species Council meeting – her first time at one of New Canton's many important and exciting democratic committees -

ZOE CRICK: It's a meeting about bloody weeds, Phil. Don't get too excited.

JACK HOLDEN: Look, I'm sure the uh, Invading Special Countries meeting is very important, Phil. Please, continue.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So I was very kindly taking Zoe to her first meeting when we came across none other than our old friend, Runner Five.

ZOE CRICK: Who was kind enough not to make fun of me for the entire trip back from the warehouse the other day, which is more than I can say for you, Phil.

JACK HOLDEN: Runner Five is certainly very discreet, yes. What happened next?

ZOE CRICK: Well, Five needs some piece of paper signed or other.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A motion to second vital resources.

ZOE CRICK: Whatever. So Phil leads us to this random room with some grumpy old geezer in it, and gets him to sign the paper. To be honest, I'm really not sure why it's news. Just some bureaucratic nonsense.

JACK HOLDEN: Ah, well, here's the interesting part: as Phil explained, such a requisition would only be necessary were the relevant resources to be needed for work far away from New Canton, which means that Runner Five and – and who was it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh uh, Nadia.

JACK HOLDEN: Nadia, right. Which means Runner Five and Nadia are going on a real road trip! So, where are they going, and why? Why would Abel Township send one of its most prized runners so far away? Here with an analysis, it's Eugene Woods.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Jack. Well, here's what we know: Runner Five is, of course, one of the most skilled and reliable runners at either township, and has been involved in many actions involving large machinery and aircraft. Aircraft like those which Nadia supervised prior to the outbreak in her role as an air traffic controller. It's plain as the nose on your face, Jack, Runner Five and Nadia are on a mission to reopen one of the nearby commercial airfields to allow supplies to arrive from America and Europe.

JACK HOLDEN: So we can all expect plenty of hot dogs and baseball caps in our future.

[everyone laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: I can't think of any earthly reason why not.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Eugene. That's all for now, folks. We'll be back shortly.

(the next two clips take place after S3M13)

EUGENE WOODS: It's time for Newsfright now, bringing you the latest news as it happens. Here's Phil with our top story.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene. The big news today is rumors of a new technology being trialed over at Abel Township. Our sources tell us that Abel has been testing a new automated operator system, which sees runners in the field being guided by pre-recorded messages from their operators, potentially allowing many more simultaneous missions. Here with analysis is our resident tech expert, Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. Reports from Abel indicate it's likely initial trials have been an overwhelming success. The new automated system, which uses a recently rediscovered artificial intelligence system nicknamed "Sunshine", has outperformed human operators by up to 75% in most key categories.

Commentators have noted that with the current pace of improvement, all operational duties could be delegated to this system in as little as five weeks.

JACK HOLDEN: And what of the speculation that this system will lead to increased unemployment? Are we worried about sentient robot computers overtaking the human worker when it comes to the traditional backbones of the economy, such as running, killing zombies, and presenting radio shows?

ZOE CRICK: The thing our listeners need to understand, Jack, is that this is a specialized system created for only one task. While it is certainly theoretically possible that Sunshine could be taught to take over many of the jobs you listed, this isn't likely in the near future.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. You've reassured me that my job is safe, and now I can wholeheartedly support our new robot overlords.

EUGENE WOODS: In other local news, New Canton residents are perplexed today by the recent spate of graffiti appearing around the settlement. Analysis suggests that the widespread appearance of the phrase, "El Barto" spray painted onto walls around New Canton is indeed a reference to hit pre-outbreak television comedy, The Simpsons. The question remains, however, who is this vandalous bandit, what are their motives, and where are they getting the paint from? We'll be back with more after this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Greeting, ci-ti-zens. And welcome to the test broadcast of the automated radio host operation. Beginning introduction.

ZOE CRICK: Interruption in order to elaborate on introduction.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Spiky but friendly counter-interruption. Continuation of main theme.

EUGENE WOODS: Elaboration on main theme, including amusing personal reminiscence.

ALL: Laughter.

JACK HOLDEN: Very slightly sexual reference.

EUGENE WOODS: Mildly embarrassed agreement.

JACK HOLDEN and EUGENE WOODS: Flirty laughter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Interruption in order to prevent further embarrassment. Attempt to get discussion back on topic.

ZOE CRICK: Comment on fellow host's repression.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Refusal of comment on repression. Slight annoyance.

JACK HOLDEN: Attempt to break the tension with a relevant joke.

EUGENE WOODS: Comment on quality of the joke.

ALL: Laughter.

JACK HOLDEN: This is rubbish, isn't it?

EUGENE WOODS: I really don't see the appeal.

ZOE CRICK: It'll never catch on.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You just can't beat the human touch, can you?

JACK HOLDEN: Mm, I'll say.

EUGENE WOODS: Easy, there!

ZOE CRICK: All right, all right. [laughs] So, a failed experiment?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Most definitely.

EUGENE WOODS: Time for some music, then.

JACK HOLDEN: Do it!

(the following clip takes place after S3M14)

JACK HOLDEN: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Newsfright. The big news today: mysterious research, cross-township cooperation, and a new obsession for Abel comms man, Sam Yao. Here with more information is Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. Sources in New Canton report that Sam Yao, famed comms operator at Abel Township, has been in touch requesting information on various species of big cats. Local zoologist, Brandon Drakes, was apparently asked to consult via radio on the hunting habits of lions, tigers, and other large predators. Speculation suggests that Mister Yao is preparing for the intake of a number of animals who have been abandoned in a nearby zoo, and is planning to create his own circus-style touring animal show.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, would it be right in saying that this proposed circus poses a significant threat to those quiet, law-abiding citizens who find themselves living nearby?

ZOE CRICK: Phil, I think that's a legitimate concern. But given the depth of Mister Yao's research, we can only assume that all relevant precautions will be taken to ensure that there are no unnecessary fatalities related to the circus -

EUGENE WOODS: Sorry, I'm going to have to butt in here.

ZOE CRICK: No, no, go ahead.

EUGENE WOODS: I think we need to take a moment to consider the welfare of these animals! Mister Yao has no history as a zookeeper, and given the conditions at Abel Township, I can't see these animals being well-cared for. I'm going to have to voice my opinion here and say that this circus is not a good idea!

JACK HOLDEN: Wow. Lively debate, there, thanks to Zoe, Phil, and Eugene. Weather news, now. And the cloud that looks like a dinosaur can still be seen to the southwest of New Canton. All residents are advised to go catch a glimpse of this sky-bound wonder before it disappears for good. I've been Jack Holden and this has been Newsfright. We'll be back after this.

(the following clip takes place after M19)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Here we are again, citizens. It's time for your regular dose of current affairs. It's Newsfright. And here's Eugene Woods with your top story.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. According to rumors here at New Canton, a motorcycle was recently seen departing Abel at high speed, heading off to an unknown mission. Our sources lead us to believe that said motorcycle is being ridden by none other than Janine De Luca herself.

De Luca is said to be riding out to rescue a runner who has been waylaid with some high value electronics recently recovered from an old research facility. For the bigwigs at Abel to authorize the use of precious fuel, we can be certain that those are some valuable pieces of tech. Our technology correspondent, Zoe Crick, joins us with more information. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Given the fact that Janine has left Abel herself in order to recover these pieces, we can be sure that they are not only incredibly valuable, but also potentially very unstable. This leads us to assume that the object in question is, in fact, nothing less than a fully-fledged fusion bomb.

EUGENE WOODS: Whoa. So Abel's planning to go nuclear?

ZOE CRICK: Could be, Eugene. Could be. Of course, it could simply be the case that Abel is going to such lengths to recover this bomb because they're afraid of it falling into the wrong hands, but it's simply too soon to tell.

EUGENE WOODS: Goodness, should we be worried?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, no, Eugene. Quite apart from the current peace between the two townships, a device of that size couldn't be used to attack New Canton without also destroying Abel.

EUGENE WOODS: Ah, glad to hear it. We can all rest easier in our beds tonight, knowing that that is the case. Thanks, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's all for Newsfright today. Your regular schedule returns after this.

(the following clip takes place after S3M20, and after the cider drinking game earlier in S3 radio)

ZOE CRICK: Welcome back, everyone. It's time for another update from the mean streets. That's right, it's Newsfright. Here with your top story today is Jack Holden.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Today's news may shock younger listeners, so we advise you to cover their ears and make "la la la!" noises for the next few minutes. We'll wait. Okay. According to our sources, disaster has befallen -

[knock on the door]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Who's that?

EUGENE WOODS: I'm not expecting anyone. Jack?

[knock on the door]

JACK HOLDEN: No. Phil, do you think it could be someone from one of your committees?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don't know...

[knock on door]

ZOE CRICK: Oh, for God's sake. There's a pretty simple way to solve this question. [opens door] Yes?

VISITOR: There's a call for you in the comms center.

ZOE CRICK: Is it urgent?

VISITOR: I was told to bring you right away.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, all right. Boys, I'll be back soon. I hope.

VISITOR: Uh, no, ma'am. I was instructed to bring all of you.

ZOE CRICK: Oh. Okay. Well, you heard the man. Off we trot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bloody hell. Wonder what this is about.

JACK HOLDEN: Maybe we're in trouble.

EUGENE WOODS: Maybe we're being given a medal.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, I love medals!

ZOE CRICK: Boys, don't make me carry you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. Coming! Uh, citizens, we'll be back with you soon.

(the following clip takes place after S3M21)

JACK HOLDEN: All right, hold tight, and sit upright. It's time for more Newsfright.

EUGENE WOODS: I knew I should not have given you that rhyming dictionary.

JACK HOLDEN: Eugene, don't be mean. I know you're not keen, but my rhymes are pristine. When times are this lean, poems make folks serene! The queen's machine runs on green beans.

EUGENE WOODS: You done?

JACK HOLDEN: Fifteen. Teen. Spleen. Okay, I'm done.

EUGENE WOODS: Cool. Welcome to Newsfright, everyone. Here's Philip Cheeseman with our top story.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene, and thank you, Jack, for the poetry.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, you're quite welcome.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our top story today, ci-ti-zens: runners out in force, a daring theft, and the hunt for a treasonous criminal. Earlier today, we here at New Canton were witness to the largest single deployment of runners since the attack on Abel several months ago. Our sources have indicated to us that they believe the runners to have been summoned by Ministry of Recovery officials to assist in the hunt for a wanted criminal. Here with more is Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. We've had word from people here at New Canton who've seen the runners out in the field. The current consensus is that they're searching the surrounding areas for notorious cat burglar Luis "El Tejón" Ibanez.

A warrent for the arrest of Ibanez was reportedly issued by the Ministry of Recovery after he stole the remaining Crown Jewels. Reports suggest that Ibanez barely escaped from the Tower of London with his life after being cornered by several undead beefeaters, but used a handily-placed ladder to escape over a fence to a boat waiting on the nearby Thames.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thrilling stuff. While we wait for more on this breaking story, here's Eugene Woods with today's financial news.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Movements on the market today suggest that confidence is rising in the pen as a reserve currency, while the footsie pajama index continues to fall after a spate of warm weather. And finally, the churro market is continuing to rise against the ground beef index as the price of cooking oil climbs for the third consecutive quarter. Back to you, Phil.

JACK HOLDEN: Jesus. How long did that take you?

EUGENE WOODS: Couple hours.

JACK HOLDEN: And you make fun of my rhymes?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene. That's all from us today. Your regular programming will resume shortly.

(the following clip takes place after S3M22)

ZOE CRICK: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you breaking news. A startling development in the manhunt for Luis "El Tejón" Ibanez, as witnesses report seeing the famed cat burglar escaping pursuit in an aircraft. Here's Jack Holden with more details.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Uh, we've just received reports that a light aircraft was seen taking off from a field in the vicinity of New Canton. All signs point to the pilot being none other than "El Tejón" himself, and rumors suggest that the bandit is indeed still carrying the remains of the Crown Jewels. New Canton runners and ministry officials remain in hot pursuit. Here with some speculation about his chances of a successful escape – Phil Cheeseman and Eugene Woods.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. As much as I hate to say it, I'm confident that "El Tejón" will escape the authorities. Uh, he's known to be an expert pilot, and is especially skilled at flying the Cessna 172, which I'm blindly assuming this plane is. Given the lack of air support available to the authorities, I think we have to believe that "El Tejón" can count this as yet another daring escape.

EUGENE WOODS: I'm sorry, Phil, but I'm going to have to disagree here. Not only is the 172 far from "El Tejón"'s favorite aircraft, but there's also a severe storm closing in on the area. With the likelihood of a thunderstorm, the Cessna's famed lack of reliability in turbulent conditions, and "El Tejón" famous fear of thunder, I expect to see him grounded and apprehended before too long.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, let's hope that's the case. I, for one, would like nothing more than to see the Crown Jewels restored to their rightful home.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: India.

JACK HOLDEN: No, the... never mind. Here's Zoe Crick with today's health news.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. Experts at Abel Township have announced their latest discovery today. Apparently, this one weird trick using commonly available post-apocalypse items will allow the general public to keep their hair completely lice-free without resorting to time-consuming screening and extermination procedures. I don't know about you, boys, but I'm looking forward to a day when I no longer have to make my monthly trip to the nurses for an encounter with their weirdly sharp metal combs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, it's not so bad.

ZOE CRICK: Mm. You still harping after that nurse? Leave it alone, Phil. She's not interested. Listeners, we'll be back with you shortly.

(the following clip takes place after S3M23)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Up next, both lightning and justice strike as the manhunt for "El Tejón" comes to a dramatic conclusion. This is Newsfright, and here's Eugene Woods with your top story.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Following his daring airborne escape from the authorities, the story of "El Tejón" has come to a striking end.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, very nice.

EUGENE WOODS: Thank you. Luis "El Tejón" Ibanez was last seen commandeering an old Cessna 172 in order to make his escape from a joint force of Ministry officials and New Canton runners. His escape, however, would prove to be thwarted by an oncoming storm, which brought him down in the hills nearby.

Sources who are acquainted with witnesses on the ground report that the light aircraft was struck by a bolt of lightning around 15 minutes after takeoff. The lightning strike reportedly caused the Cessna's engine to fail, forcing "El Tejón" to make an emergency landing. Here with more on the crash and its aftermath – Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Rumors are telling us that those on the ground report seeing Ibanez corpse being taken away from the crash site. According to reports, Ibanez sustained fatal injuries during the crash of his aircraft, and his body was taken away by ministry officials for correct burial. What is uncertain, however, is the fate of "El Tejón"'s loot: none other than the Crown Jewels themselves. Here with analysis on their potential location is Jack Holden.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Now, I think it's a simple enough assumption that ministry officials have recovered the jewels from the crash site, and will return them to the secure location posthaste. But I think simple assumptions are boring, and often wrong, so I'm going to speculate that, before attempting to land, "El Tejón" threw the Crown Jewels out of the plane to a waiting accomplice who has hidden them nearby in a cleverly-marked secret cave.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's a strong assertion, Jack. Do you have any evidence to back that up?

JACK HOLDEN: None at all, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, thanks. In which case, I'd like to remind all of our listeners that it is extremely unlikely that the Crown Jewels are currently hidden in a cave near New Canton. They should under no circumstance leave the safety of the township in order to search for a bunch of treasure which is practically valueless in today's society. With that said, I'd like to thank Jack, Zoe, and Eugene for their input today. From me, Phil Cheeseman, and from everyone here at Newsfright, goodbye.

(the following set of clips takes place between S3M25 and S3M52)

(the next four clips takes place between 8:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m.)

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Long day.

EUGENE WOODS: Tell me about it. It's funny. You forget how tiring it can be spending all day driving.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Yeah. I was never much of a long distance driver at the best of times.

EUGENE WOODS: You never take a road trip?

ZOE CRICK: Well, here and there. With friends at uni, you know. But never like this. Long days, long distances, spending nights on watch. It's different.

EUGENE WOODS: Speaking of which, how are they doing back there?

ZOE CRICK: Aww, that's sweet! They're doing top and tail like kids.

EUGENE WOODS: Wow. Phil's a braver man than me, putting his head near those feet.

ZOE CRICK: Say what you like about Phil, he's certainly not squeamish.

EUGENE WOODS: No, definitely not.

ZOE CRICK: Pretty quiet out there.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Let's hope it stays that way.

ZOE CRICK: Hear, hear.

JACK HOLDEN: Just like old times, eh?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, although thankfully a little less dangerous.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs, flirty tone] So we get to be on watch together, which is...

EUGENE WOODS: - nice. Not that I don't love the suggestion, but we do actually have to watch while we're on watch.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, you could keep an eye out, and I could...

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Don't be such a pest!

JACK HOLDEN: You're no fun. There.

EUGENE WOODS: Where?

JACK HOLDEN: By those trees. Three shamblers.

EUGENE WOODS: Got them. If we keep quiet, they should pass.

JACK HOLDEN: Come on. Nothing to see here. Just jog on.

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] All right. [clears throat]

JACK HOLDEN: Close call. Lucky we were keeping such diligent watch, eh?

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Very rich, very rich.

JACK HOLDEN: I spy with my little eye something beginning with... T.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: T... T... hmm... t-, t-... trees?

JACK HOLDEN: Nope.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tires?

JACK HOLDEN: No.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Trench?

JACK HOLDEN: No. Where is there a bloody trench?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Never mind. Go on, then. I give up.

JACK HOLDEN: Tarmac.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh, fine.

JACK HOLDEN: Your turn. Or do you want to do something else? There's nothing going on out there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like what?

JACK HOLDEN: I don't know. Tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, then. I once killed a man.

JACK HOLDEN: ... what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I was travelling at the time, in America. Nevada. There was a man at a truck stop. He was asleep with a gun in his belt. I don't know what came over me. I just reached into his belt, cocked the gun, pulled the trigger. I guess I shot him just to watch him die. The man in Reno.

[JACK HOLDEN groans, PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: You little - ! You really had me going, there. Bloody Johnny Cash. [PHIL CHEESEMAN smacks JACK HOLDEN] Ow! Jerk.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No no no, in that case, you'd have to prosecute the person that programmed them to steal the diamonds.

ZOE CRICK: Right, but then we get into the whole question of free will and culpability, don't we? Like, if we count the robot's being programmed as negating its ability to have free will, surely we don't have free will either. We're just programmed by past experience to do the things we do anyway. So if the robot can't be guilty of the crime, then we can't be guilty of the crimes, either.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's a false equivalence. Human beings aren't purposefully programmed, robots are. It's like saying that uh, if a gun can't be prosecuted for murder, then a person can't be prosecuted either!

ZOE CRICK: Ah, but you said considering a world with sentient robots, so by the terms of your own question -

EUGENE WOODS: [clears throat] Guys. Not that we aren't enjoying this debate, but seriously, could you please shut up? We're trying to sleep here. [JACK HOLDEN snores] Well, I'm trying to sleep. Jack is succeeding. Still. Keep it down, yeah?

ZOE CRICK: Sorry, Gene.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. You're still wrong.

(the next four clips take place between 6:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m.)

[ZOE CRICK snores]

JACK HOLDEN: She's still asleep!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Out like a light.

JACK HOLDEN: I'm eating her breakfast.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, don't! She'll murder you!

JACK HOLDEN: Look, she's a pacifist.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: With words! She will murder you to death with her words!

EUGENE WOODS: Just wake her up, you idiots. Zoe! Zoe, if you don't get up now, Jack's eating your oatmeal.

ZOE CRICK: [startles awake] Jack Holden, if you so much as look at my breakfast sideways, I will make you wish you'd never been born.

JACK HOLDEN: Fine. Here you go.

ZOE CRICK: Hey, this is all soggy!

JACK HOLDEN: You snooze, you lose. [ZOE CRICK throws a pillow at JACK HOLDEN] Ow! That hit me right in the face! Eugene, she threw a pillow at me.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh dear God no, a pillow in the face.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What about this one?

ZOE CRICK: [sniffs] Mm... cold. [sniffs] No, wait. Damp. Yeah, damp.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] I really wanted to wear that today. Okay, how about, uh... [rummages] this?

ZOE CRICK: Nope, that's definitely damp. Where did you put your bag last night?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Over there by the back door.

ZOE CRICK: Cheeseman, there's a leak in the roof back there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you're kidding!

ZOE CRICK: Nope.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bollocks.

JACK HOLDEN: There's a uh, shirt under this seat, if it helps.

ZOE CRICK: Give us a feel. Mm, yeah, this is just cold. You can wear this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sweet!

ZOE CRICK: Not sure why you would want to, though. It makes you look like a carrot!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey!

[ZOE CRICK laughs]

ZOE CRICK: Jack. Jack, time to wake up! Jack, come on! We've got to get moving. Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: [startles awake] I'm up, I'm up, I'm... oh God. Oh God, oh God! Zoe! Zoe, help, help!

ZOE CRICK: What? What is it?

JACK HOLDEN: Spider, it's a spider!

ZOE CRICK: Well, just hold still. Just - Jack, wait!

JACK HOLDEN: It's right by my ear. There's a spider in my ear!

ZOE CRICK: Stop! Stop moving around. Hold still!

JACK HOLDEN: There's a spider in my ear! Oh God oh God oh God, oh God...

ZOE CRICK: There! It's off. It's off!

JACK HOLDEN: Okay, thanks. Thank you. Oh God. Thanks...

ZOE CRICK: It's all right. It's all right. It's gone now. It's all all right.

JACK HOLDEN: [shudders] God! Why? I hate camping. Oh God. Ew!

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, my back. Jesus. [groans] Oh, you've got to be... Jack? Jack, where the hell's my crutch? Actually, where the hell's Jack?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: He's gone off with Zoe to look for water. Said he heard a river in the night.

EUGENE WOODS: Great. [clears throat] Why are you lying in the front seat?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm, I was looking up at some birds, and then I just couldn't be bothered to get back up.

EUGENE WOODS: Right. You okay, buddy?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I'm fine.

EUGENE WOODS: You don't sound fine.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm just tired. This is... [sighs] I forgot how hard this is. It's um... I've been in New Canton for a long time.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It's a long time since any of us have done this. It's... it'll be okay. You know, we're all in this together, Phil. And we'll get used to it. It's just going to be tough at first.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. "It's tough at first." Story of my flipping life.

(the following clip takes place between 9:00 p.m. and 5:00 a.m.)

JACK HOLDEN: Gene! Gene, wake up! Gene! Gene! Zoe. Wake up, both of you!

ZOE CRICK: Jack, if this is another question about why the moon is bright, I'm not going to be happy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seriously, Zo, you want to see this.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine. Come on, Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: [startles awake] Oh God. This better be good.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, just shut up, dummy. Look!

ZOE CRICK: Oh, wow! Wow!

EUGENE WOODS: Wow, that's...

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.

EUGENE WOODS: It's just...

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: Where do you think it's going to fall?

EUGENE WOODS: A long way from here. Maybe in the sea.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it dangerous?

EUGENE WOODS: I don't think so. It's moving slow for a meteorite, so it must be quite small.

ZOE CRICK: It's so bright.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It's beautiful.

JACK HOLDEN: Maybe it's a sign.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like what?

JACK HOLDEN: Like, a sign that everything's going to be all right. There's a light in the darkness, and it's not dangerous, so there's a sign that everything's going to be okay.

EUGENE WOODS: I like that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Me, too.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah.

(the following clip takes place between 5:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right right right, then it's, [sings] "Out on the road, not in the radio shack."

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah yeah yeah. No no, that's great, that's great. Now put it with the – so it goes, [sing] "Eugene and Zoe - "

PHIL CHEESEMAN and JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "- Phil and Jack. We're out on the road, not in the radio shack."

JACK HOLDEN: No, it has to go -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, then we go back into the verse -

ZOE CRICK: [bangs on the van] Dinner, y'all.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, nice. Thanks, Zo!

JACK HOLDEN: What is it today, Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS: Squirrel.

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Roast, or stew.

EUGENE WOODS: Stew. Just come and eat it.

JACK HOLDNE: Mm, stew. Come on, Phil.

ZOE CRICK: [sings] "Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Frying mushrooms, oh! Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Squirrel mushrooms!"

EUGENE WOODS: What are you singing, Zo?

ZOE CRICK: [clears throat] Uh, nothing.

EVERYONE: [singing] "Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Frying mushrooms, oh! Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Squirrel mushrooms!"

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought we still had squirrel left over.

EUGENE WOODS: No, we used the last of it yesterday.

ZOE CRICK: And the pigeon?

JACK HOLDEN: Spoiled.

ZOE CRICK: Bollocks.

EUGENE WOODS: It'd be easier if we had salt, or some way of smoking the meat. But -

ZOE CRICK: Apocalypse.

EUGENE WOODS: - apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So it's rice for dinner again?

EUGENE WOODS: Unless you're ready to try eating grubs.

ZOE CRICK: Nope.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no.

JACK HOLDEN: Rice is okay. ... What kind of grubs?

(the following clip takes place between 4:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m.)

ZOE CRICK: I don't see anything.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Shh.

ZOE CRICK: But -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Shh.

ZOE CRICK: A rabbit! [foliage rustles, PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs] Sorry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, it's fine. We'll just uh, we'll just wait a bit longer.

(the following clip takes place between 6:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m.)

[PHIL CHEESEMAN and EUGENE WOODS snore, van door opens]

ZOE CRICK: Ding dong! Home are the hunters.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [startles awake] Jennifer?

EUGENE WOODS: Hang on.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, lazybones. We've got to get moving soon.

EUGENE WOODS: How'd you do?

JACK HOLDEN: Ask Zoe. She's the master hunter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you say so.

ZOE CRICK: I do bloody say so, Mister Cheeseman. Look: two rabbits, and a flipping pigeon!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You are amazing.

EUGENE WOODS: Nice work, guys!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seriously, I'm impressed. Nice!

JACK HOLDEN: So, Gene, going to make us a nice stew later?

EUGENE WOODS: Hell, with that much meat, I'll make you four!

JACK HOLDEN: Ha! Hunting high five. Hey, stew high five. Cheeseman, high five!

(the following clip takes place between S3M25 and S3M52)

JACK HOLDEN: Well now, listeners, we've got a bit of a surprise today.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it cake? Did we find a cake?

ZOE CRICK: Seriously, Phil, where do you think we'd find a bloody cake around here?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A man can dream, Zoe. A man can dream!

JACK HOLDEN: No, it isn't cake. It's actually a bit more exciting than that. Eugene, you're going to be especially interested in this.

EUGENE WOODS: That'll make a change.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, mister! Hold the snark until you hear the call. Here we go.

RACHEL DENNIS: Hello, Radio Cabel. I am long time listener, an avid fan, and a first time caller. My name is Rachel P. Dennis, [EUGENE WOODS gasps] and I'm calling in with a bit of an odd request. As some of your listeners may be aware, I was in the process of writing the final book in my Laments of the World saga at the time of the outbreak. In fact, I was in the process of approving final copy edits to the book prior to its publication. Due to certain complications around that time, the book never saw publication. Now I find myself preparing to leave my home and settle somewhere more peaceful -

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Oh God.

RACHEL P. DENNIS: - but I don't want to do so without securing my legacy. As such, I would be greatly obliged if the four of you could find time on your tour to come and meet me, in order for you to take the manuscript and broadcast it to your listeners. [EUGENE WOODS gasps] Being able to release the ending of my saga to the public would make me extremely happy. I hope you can help me. Yours, Rachel P. Dennis.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, thought you'd like that.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God!

ZOE CRICK: Is he okay?

EUGENE WOODS: I...

ZOE CRICK: Hello? Eugene?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Try slapping him.

EUGENE WOODS: I can't...

JACK HOLDEN: That only works in the movies.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God!

ZOE CRICK: Well, it finally happened. We finally broke Eugene!

(the following clip takes place between S3M51 and S3M52)

[indistinct sound from a radio]

JACK HOLDEN: I can't hear, it's not clear enough.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is there anything you can do? Zoe? It's on the emergency frequency; it must be important!

ZOE CRICK: Let me see if I can reposition the antenna.

JACK HOLDEN: That's better! I, uh...

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What are they saying?

JACK HOLDEN: Give me a minute, Phil. ... oh God.

EUGENE WOODS: What is it?

JACK HOLDEN: I, uh... war. They're talking about war. New Canton, they've... no one knows for sure, but it looks like they're under her control.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No!

ZOE CRICK: Oh God.

JACK HOLDEN: It's uh... it's not clear exactly what's happening. This is all secondhand, but they're... they're saying... they're saying New Canton have attacked Abel! Reports of explosions in Dunder Woods. Many dead.

EUGENE WOODS: Jesus.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is anyone safe? Is there any news – is New Canton still standing? What's – what's going on?

ZOE CRICK: What do they know, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: That's it, that's all they're saying. It's just, it's chaos! Wait, wait, wait. They're talking about us.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What are they saying?

JACK HOLDEN: It's Amelia. It's not clear, I'm barely picking it up. Something about a transmitter in the van. Useful intel, contact... it's gone. I... what does it mean, Gene?

EUGENE WOODS: Doesn't matter now. Turn it off.

JACK HOLDEN: I...

EUGENE WOODS: Turn it off! Let's just keep moving.

(the following set of clips takes place after S3M52, on the Belafonte, after the characters describe the boat but before they sight land)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor?"

EVERYONE: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?"

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober."

EVERYONE: [singing] "Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober. Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober early in the morning. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises early in the morning."

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor?"

EVERYONE: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?"

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him."

EVERYONE: [singing] "Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him. Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him early in the morning. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises early in the morning."

[everyone laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "To Cuba's coast we're bound, me boys."

EVERYONE: [singing] "'Way, the boys, to Cuba."

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "To Cuba's coast, now, don't make a noise."

EVERYONE: [singing] "We're running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We're running down to Cuba."

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "The captain, he will trim the sails."

EVERYONE: [singing] "'Way, the boys, to Cuba."

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "Winging the water over the rails."

EVERYONE: [singing] "We're running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We're running down to Cuba."

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "Oh my God! How the wind do blow."

EVERYONE: [singing] "'Way, the boys, to Cuba."

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "Running south from the ice and the snow."

EVERYONE: [singing] "We're running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We're running down to Cuba."

EUGENE WOODS: Is it time, is it time?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, Gene, it's time.

EUGENE WOODS: Yes! Let's do it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: [clears throat] Radio Cabel now has the great privilege to present Truesong's Triumph, the final volume in Rachel P. Dennis' epic Laments of the World saga, serialized in many parts. How long is this thing?

EUGENE WOODS: 1500 pages.

ZOE CRICK: 15 – [sighs] Okay. Many, many parts, then. Bloody hell, I hope this is good.

EUGENE WOODS: It's amazing!

JACK HOLDEN: Did you finish it already?

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Of course!

JACK HOLDEN: Maniac.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, are you ready?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you're sitting comfortably, then I will begin. [turns page, clears throat] In the long winter that followed Lord Ravenwood's capture of Minesburg, the dark cloud of his rule spread across the land, poisoning the minds of all the folk of the nine kingdoms, turning what once was good into evil, what once was fertile into barren, and what once was magic into the mundane.

With the power of the thrice-forked staff, the dark magus had eliminated all remnants of resistance to his power. All remnants but one. For in the darkest of those nights, hushed conversations in taverns and stables and drawing rooms spoke of one who still remembered the old ways. One who still carried the emblems of her ancestors. One in whom the old magics still were strong, and who would return to purge the darkness from the land: Lea Truesong.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs, whispers] So good!

JACK HOLDEN: [whispers] Shh! Don't interrupt.

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Sorry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Lea Truesong. A name that many had forgotten. A name some thought only a myth. A name that would come to live in legend forever.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] This book is amazing!

JACK HOLDEN and ZOE CRICK: Shh!

EUGENE WOODS: Lea's eyes grew wide as she regarded the face of her old teacher.

ZOE CRICK: "Master Nellin, I thought you were - "

JACK HOLDEN: "Dead, my child? No, my dear, not dead. Not dead, but still living. And a fine thing, too, for I can see you are in a pretty pickle, and much in need of help from your old teacher."

ZOE CRICK: "Master Nellin, it has been a long time since I sat in your study to learn the chants and charms. I'm not the young girl you once taught to raise an oak or bring the summer rain. I am Lea Truesong, salvation of the seven tribes, bringer of summer, the voice that will sing the lament of this world and every world to come, and every world that has ever been! I need the help of no one."

EUGENE WOODS: Master Nellin chuckled, his chest wheezing and his eyes glimmering like diamonds in darkness.

JACK HOLDEN: [chuckles, wheezes] "You always were a proud one, Lea Truesong. Always so proud and always so stubborn. Be not so quick to refuse the help of an old friend. And on the road ahead, you will need many friends, and you will need much help, especially without your magic. Come, now. Let me free you from those chains before the guards return."

EUGENE WOODS: But before the old master could reach through the bars, Lea heard the bone-chilling creak and moan of the dungeon door, old oak scratching on bloodstained stone.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: "Oh? Who's leaning through them bars? Alarm! Alarm! The prisoner's escaping!"

EUGENE WOODS: Startled by the guard, afraid for her life, Lea felt the old magics coursing through her veins once more.

ZOE CRICK: "Not now - "

EUGENE WOODS: - she thought, as she felt the air around her begin to heat, a conflagration begin to form, her power begin to loose itself uncontrollably.

ZOE CRICK: "Master Nellin, run!"

ZOE CRICK: Bran Firebane tightened his grip, the ornate carvings on the handle of his sword, Light Bringer, burning in his hand.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: "The time has come, Kien. There are no more rat holes left for you to hide in."

ZOE CRICK: Kien Vallick curled his lip back in a sneer, his hand lazily drawing a poisoned knife from his belt, the very knife with which he had carried out his murderous deeds.

EUGENE WOODS: "Firebane, you're like the sore that just won't heal. But what you say is right: the time has come. The time for you to die!"

ZOE CRICK: Drawing his hand back and leaping across the table in a single movement, Vallick struck at Firebane's throat. It was only his lightning reflexes, honed through his training with the priests of Devellion which saved Bran's life.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: "Not today, Kien. Not today."

ZOE CRICK: - uttered Bran Firebane as he slid Light Bringer's burning blade deep into Vallick's chest. Blood sizzled and popped around the wound as the old betrayor's life left his body.

EUGENE WOODS: [groans] "Curse you, Firebane. Curse you to the ends of this world and the next. Curse you to see all that you love burn as the final song is sung. Curse you!"

JACK HOLDEN: And so it was that Lea Truesong climbed the mountain of Sennalish, the mountain at the end of the world. And so it was that she reached the summit, her hair thick with snow, her fingers frozen, bloody, to the thrice-forked staff, her body shaking with hunger and exhaustion. And so it was that there, on that day, high above the ken of mortals, Lea opened her mouth to sing the world's lament. The end.

ZOE CRICK: Wow.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: That was really good.

JACK HOLDEN: I enjoyed that.

[EUGENE WOODS cries]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Gene, are you crying?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, I just... I can't believe that it's over.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, buddy. Come here.

#zombies run #zrs3 #s3 radio #s3 radio part 7 #zr transcript

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auroraphilealis · 7 years

Text

The Summer (12/30)

The Summer (12/30) | Dan Howell has spent the last three summers at Camp Bergamot, but it’s never been quite like this before. This year, he faces a summer full of new friends, a new relationship, and an entirely new view on his own sexuality. Perhaps Camp Bergamot should be renamed camp self discovery for all the changes Dan has gone through, but one thing’s for sure - despite all the hiccups and the drama, he just might have found the love of his life. | Phan | Mature | Smut, Misunderstandings, Insecurity, Panic Attacks, Bullying, Minor Violence, Physical Fight | 300,000+ Words

Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.

This Part: 8,921 Words

For reference, @phansdick is Dan, @insanityplaysfics is Phil.

(Previous) (AO3) (Masterlist)

Warnings: masturbation, ruined orgasm, unresolved sexual tension, dirty talk, scary stories

Chapter Twelve

The five of them headed off to dinner then, watching as the counselors set up bonfire pit numbers on the tables for groups to take at their leisure, informing everyone that they would be making rounds that night to make sure all was in good fun and not to leave your campfire for long periods at a time or a search would be made for you - and no one wanted the embarrassment of being caught necking in the woods. The very sound of that phrase coming from Mike, Phil’s counselor of all people, made Phil laugh, though it also sent heat straight to his face because he'd love to have a chance to "neck" with Dan in the woods. He'd love any chance to kiss Dan, in fact, despite his lack of knowledge on how to actually do that, or his lack of experience with said boy.

As they were actually getting their food, Dan walked up to Phil and leaned into him to whisper in his ear. "Want to come back to my place later tonight, baby?" he joked in a stupidly manly way, winking. Phil laughed and swatted at him, which Dan dodged with a giggle. He became more serious than, actually wanting to have their alone time later. "No but in all seriousness. Meet me at the kissing tree tonight? Alone?" The way the sentence was structured made it sound rather dirty, and Dan nearly blushed. He wanted to see Phil alone tonight, but not because he wanted to do anything dirty with him. He wanted a cuddle and to just enjoy Phil’s entire being without anybody else having to look their way. He'd been thinking about it a lot that day, about kissing Phil. He didn't want to deny it to himself anymore. He was ready for it, ready to finally see what it was like to press his lips to Phil's and to drink him in. While he was waiting for Phil's answer, his eyes flicked down to Phil's lips and he licked his own in response. He wondered what it would be like and if Phil's lips would be as soft as they looked.

Dan was such a dork. Phil swatted at him playfully despite the way the words had made his heart race for the want of that - at least if he ignored the creepy older man voice and the gross pet names that made Phil's skin crawl a little bit to hear. It was still quite funny though, and he wasn't averse to Dan leaning into whisper to him again a real request for them to get some time alone tonight. Phil smiled immediately, turning to look at Dan with the desire to accept his invitation, only to find that Dan was already staring at him - his lips, to be precise. Lips parting a little with the desire he could see in Dan's eyes, Phil had to swallow and take a moment before he could respond. He licked his lips at exactly the same time as Dan, and finally looked up to meet his eyes again. "I'd love to meet you alone tonight," he said. "Mighten spoil your good boy resolve, though," he teased with a cheeky wink, and laughed as Dan's cheeks turned pink. "I'm only kidding. Yes. I'd like to have some proper time alone with you, if it's all the same to you," he said, piling his plate up high with dinner. Dan was pressed to his side, they were so close, while he mimicked Phil, seeming to pick out the same things as him. Phil gave him a funny little smile, eyes twinkling as he watched Dan pick up something he normally didn't eat for dinner at all, seemingly just to see if he liked it as much as Phil, and pressed his shoulder companionably into his. "You're cute, Howell," he said, wishing he could lean in and kiss him. "I'll see you tonight," he added with one final wink, and then headed back to their table.

At Phil's words about spoiling his good boy resolve, Dan's eyes widened and his cheeks turned pink. He could hardly believe the words coming out of Phil's mouth, and it rendered him absolutely speechless, words dying in his throat. Before he could respond, Phil was agreeing to spend some time with him tonight, and he relaxed, trying to get those words out of his head. "Of course I want to spend alone time with you," Dan murmured. He barely noticed that he was copying Phil, choosing the same foods that Phil piled on his plate without any thought. He didn't notice until Phil called him cute, and Dan was a bit embarrassed even though he knew he didn't need to be. Phil made him feel good and didn't judge him no matter what he did. He even liked being called cute, although he could be a bit biased since it was coming from Phil's own lips. With one final wink, Phil started heading back to the table and Dan was left to follow him like a dog trying to keep up with his owner.

Kim and Mariah had already began to eat, but they waved hello as Phil sat down across from them, Caleb immediately following and sitting beside his twin sister. Phil felt a thrill go through him as he realized that this meant Dan would have to sit next to him, and they might possibly be able to get away with a little bit of hand holding if not finger touching while they ate. Phil loved secret little moments like that, but mostly just craved Dan's gentle touch against his skin. "So!" Caleb demanded the second that Dan sat down. "Who's up for scary stories tonight!?"

The only open seat was next to Phil, so Dan was beyond delighted to sit next to him. Almost immediately, and thanking the gods that he was left handed and Phil was right handed, he reached over and clasped Phil's hand in his own under the table. His other hand was shovelling food into his mouth without a second thought. He really was hungry and he didn't even notice until he took a bite of chicken, groaning rather erotically in appreciation. Food was amazing. Dan perked up at the mention of scary stories and swallowed his food quickly in order to answer. "Yes! Scary stories!" he exclaimed, doing a little dance in his seat. "He turned to Kim and then to Phil, his eyes shining. "Just wait until you hear the spooky things that have happened at this camp. You'll never look at this place the same again!"

It wasn't fair. Dan wasn't allowed to make noises like that, especially not around Phil. Especially not when Phil couldn't properly react. He was so distracted by the sound Dan had made, though, that he forgot to answer Caleb's question until Dan swallowed his food and answered for all of them. Phil's cheeks had to have been a dark red, mottled and hot, but all he could think about was how erotic Dan sounded when he was enjoying something the way he was enjoying food. Phil couldn't help imagining how Dan would sound if Phil were to go down on him, and jerked violently away from Dan at the thought, eyes going wide as he imagined having his mouth on Dan's dick. He shouldn't be thinking about that, he shouldn't be considering that, and yet he couldn't stop. The thought of it was intoxicating. "Are you alright?" Mariah asked, concerned. Dan was looking at him with a small pout on his features, and it was more than obvious that he was upset Phil had jerked away from him. "Yeah," Phil replied hoarsely, wincing dramatically and reaching down to touch his knee. "I just.. Leg spasm. I hit my knee on the table, sorry about that," he excused himself, and turned back to his food, shoving a large mouthful into his mouth. Dan was looking at him quizzically, but Phil waited a moment before he reached back out and twined their fingers together under the table where no one could see. "Anyway," Caleb said. "Scary stories. We've got loads!" he exclaimed, already clapping his hands together excitedly. "I hate scary stories," Kim whined, but she was kind of smiling at the same time. "I'll kill you all if you try any jump scares," she insisted, but Phil wasn't really paying attention, because he could feel himself growing interested in his jeans, and he couldn't stop thinking about the way Dan had sounded gobbling his food down like it was the best thing in the world. Phil wanted to be the one getting Dan to make that sound.

Dan let out a noise of surprise when Phil suddenly jerked away from him, violently ripping his hand away from Dan's grip as if he'd been burned. He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to figure out why Phil had suddenly done that. He blamed it on a leg spasm but Dan didn't really believe him. He was too flustered for that, his cheeks extremely red and his pupils dilated, and Dan got a feeling that Phil hadn't quite been telling the truth. He narrowed his eyes at him as Phil tangled their fingers together again. It was then that Dan noticed how sweaty Phil's palm was, skin hot to the touch. Was he sick? He seemed as if he was very clammy, almost as if he was going to throw up everywhere. While the rest of the group chattered away, Dan leaned closer to Phil until his lips were right at his ear, close enough that he'd be able to whisper without anyone overhearing. "You don't look like you're feeling well. Are you alright?" He reached out with his hand and put a comforting hand on Phil's knee, rubbing his thumb over the area of skin that was showing just at the cutoffs of his shorts.

As Phil tried to calm down from the thought and image in his mind of Dan being underneath him, moaning and writhing as Phil used his tongue against his sensitive skin, he allowed the others to go on about the plan for the night. Caleb was full on planning to snag a few extra bags of things for s'mores, intending to stash them away where no one would notice so they could have a s'mores party, while Mariah and Kim were chatting about how they would find a way to get their revenge on the boys for inevitably terrifying the girls during scary stories. They had a few ideas, it seemed, but Phil wasn't listening. Skin damp and clammy from the sudden rush of desire through him, Phil hoped that Dan wouldn't notice, and went about eating as if nothing was wrong. He was sure he looked entirely too flushed, though, and he was internally attempting to relax when Dan leaned in close to whisper in his ear, his hand coming down just over Phil's knees, where the end of his shorts stopped. Dan's fingers inadvertently teased at the skin there, his breath hot on Phil's neck, and Phil gasped out a strangled sounding moan as Dan asked him if he was okay. Shooting up and praying that his shorts weren't tented, Phil swallowed his mouthful quickly and murmured a quick "Bathroom," before he was rushing off, entirely mortified, and incredibly turned on.

All of a sudden, Phil let out something that sounded like a moan (it wasn't a moan, surely not) and ran off towards the bathroom. Dan tried to catch his hand, to call after him to see if he needed help, but Phil was gone before he could so much as stutter out his name. The table had gone awfully quiet, staring at Dan strangely as if he'd done something wrong. "What did you do to him?" Kim asked accusingly while Dan made wild gestures with his hands to try and show that he literally had no clue what just happened. "I don't- I asked him if he was okay!" Dan squeaked, trying to defend himself. "And he just got up and went to the bathroom!" Caleb and Mariah shared a look that Dan couldn't read. He was trying to figure out if he'd done anything wrong or if Phil needed someone to help him. What if he was puking? Dan stood up suddenly, pushing back his chair with a loud screech. "I'm gonna go check on him to see if he's okay," Dan informed the group and began walking in the direction of the bathroom. He was beyond confused. What the hell had that been all about?

The second the stall door shut behind Phil in the bathroom, he was leaning his back against the wall and throwing his head back with a loud groan of annoyance. His dick was throbbing with want and desire, and he could feel it beginning to press up against the zip of his pants, insistent and begging for attention in a way it hadn't even been doing last night. Phil didn't know why he was so fucking horny, but he was, and the way Dan had sounded, the way he'd touched him, and how it had felt to have him breathing against the skin of his neck had just about been too much. Phil's breathing was erratic as he stared disparagingly up at the ceiling, begging his insistent hard-on to go away. The last thing he wanted to do was be disrespectful to Dan's boundaries, knowing already that Dan was uncomfortable with sexual things, but he also wanted to jerk off so freaking bad this his fingers were already massaging over his bulge, itching to pull down his zip and get his dick out. He bit his bottom lip, squeezing his eyes shut, and wondered if Dan would hate him for jerking off to him. It wasn't as if Phil was pressuring Dan to have sex with him or anything like that. He'd never do that, but the silly boy was just such a goddamned tease that Phil seemed unable to control himself, and his dick was throbbing so hard that when he put even the slightest pressure on it, it made him huff out a quiet breath just short of a moan. Surely, surely this was okay? He didn't think he was going to be able to sneak way to the showers and get rid of this with freezing cold water after all, but he also didn't think he was going to be able to will it away when all he could think about was the way Dan looked shirtless and how he probably looked without his pants on. Phil had enough porn knowledge to draw on to have an idea of what Dan's dick might look like, and what it might feel like to give him a blowjob, and the sound of Dan's overly erotic moan was still filtering over and over again through his head. He couldn't seem to stop himself when he finally undid the zip and pushed his jeans and boxers down just enough to get his fingers wrapped around his dick, all the while thinking a constant stream of apologies at Dan. His heart was beating hard in his chest, dick throbbing in his fingers, and the first quick draw of his hand over his skin, drawing the foreskin up and over the tip, make him moan instantly. He couldn't even try and hide it or hold it back, fingers working furiously over his intensely hard cock while he thought of Dan, and the way his face looked when he was blushing and biting his bottom lip - he could see it now, Phil pressing Dan down and into the forest floor, trailing his lips over his body until he'd found his cock, licking and teasing along the slit and watching with hooded eyes as Dan stared down at him with dark cheeks and bitten lips, little huffing plea's puffing from his lips. God, Phil could already see it now, the way Dan would look when he got his lips properly around him. He reached down to press his fingers up against his balls, drawing them tight to his body, and tried to muffle himself by biting his bottom lip, but it just felt so good to touch himself, and he was throbbing with just the thought of Dan underneath him. Why was it such a turn on to imagine giving Dan a blow job? Probably because Phil would do anything to give him the intense sensation of pleasure, and he thought he knew from porn that blowjob's were pretty amazing, not to mention not all gay guys enjoyed getting fucked. Huffing roughly, Phil fisted his cock harder, and rutted up into it, moving as fast as he dared while little gasps and moans tumbled from his lips.

Dan stood outside the bathroom door for a moment, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He didn't know why he was so nervous if he was being honest, but he felt like he’d upset Phil in some way and that was maybe why Phil hadn't really wanted to talk to him before he’d fled to the bathroom. Taking a deep breath and trying to calm the pounding of his heart, Dan finally grasped the handle of the bathroom and pulled it open, letting it close quietly behind him. He stepped into the bathroom and looked down the row of stalls, wondering if Phil was in one of them. That's when he heard something. Dan froze, eyes widening. He could hear it clearly thanks to the echo of the tiles and the way it bounced off the walls. Was that... moaning? Dan hesitated before he made his way slowly over to the row of stalls and yes, that was definitely moaning and that was definitely Phil. He didn't know what to think of it, his mind trying to wrap around the fact that he was literally listening to Phil's erotic noises, and his dick twitched in interest. It reminded him of that night where he had jerked off to the thought of Phil and this was so much better than he'd imagined Phil would sound like. His moans were soft and breathy, as if he was trying to be quiet, and there was a soft rustling as if he was brushing against fabric. It hit him then that Phil was getting off. In the bathroom stall. He almost didn't want to interrupt him, trying to talk himself into leaving before he was noticed, but his feet were glued to the floor and he was definitely sporting an erection now. Phil sounded more and more desperate with his noises, like he was getting close to the edge, and Dan could imagine it, Phil's hand wrapped around his dick, his head thrown back against the stall, hips stuttering into his palm. It took Dan a minute to realize he was palming himself through his jeans, the hardness starting to ache. He really needed to stop, he needed to leave right now. He ended up letting out a whimper at the feel of his palm pressing into his bulge and then bit his lip, freezing. Shit. Phil had gone quiet and Dan knew he'd been heard, so before he looked suspicious, he straightened himself out, adjusted his dick in his trousers, and called Phil's name softly.

He was so close, so close, could feel his balls drawing up tight to his body even as he pressed on them himself, teasing along them and encouraging his orgasm as fast as he could make it approach, afraid that someone would start looking for him or notice that he was taking far longer than a normal person might in the restroom. He worked himself over faster, fingers tight around the base of his dick, thumb swiping up through the slit, collecting beading pre-cum until he was using that to lube himself over just that tiny bit. He could feel his orgasm rushing at him, as well, could feel it in the way his stomach was filled with something hot and tight, and he found himself rutting hard into his fists in fast, staccato little bursts, gasping one last time before he was letting out a breath and his release at the same time, cock spasming in his hand as he came. That's when he heard the quiet whimper. Just as he was getting to the good part, head falling back against the bathroom stall door, fingers working him through his orgasm, he heard a whimper, soft and tiny and unsure, but definitely there. Phil's fingers stilled, and he scrambled to clean himself up in an instant, adrenaline rushing through him and over him as his interrupted orgasm seemed to quickly dissipate into the most unsatisfying sensation he'd ever had. He'd just managed to yank his jeans up and swipe away his sticky sweat with a bit of toilet roll when he heard his name being called by Dan's voice, and groaned loudly as he sunk to the floor. Fuck, fuck, Dan hadn't been meant to hear that. "I'm sorry. Shit, Dan, I'm sorry," he said, and shoved his face in his hands, uncaring if he was sitting on an unsanitary floor when he'd just been caught by his boyfriend masturbating when said boyfriend wasn't even ready for their first kiss yet.

Immediately, Phil began apologizing, sounding completely and utterly mortified. Dan was - well he didn't know what he was exactly, but he was definitely not angry in the slightest judging by his own reactions. Fuck, they were both teenage boys. He understood. And Phil sounded like he just wanted to die. Shuffling forward awkwardly, Dan cleared his throat and tried to calm himself down a bit more. His boner really needed to go away. "Phil I don't give a flying fuck. You can't help you're feelings and I understand. You don't have to be upset. I'm not mad." Dan walked over to the stall that Phil was in. He could see that Phil had sat on the ground as he saw his legs from under the door. He smiled at that but felt completely horrible for interrupting Phil's alone time. And what had even set him off in the first place? Dan felt a thrill go through him at the thought of it being him. "Can I open the door?" Dan asked unsurely, biting his lip.

Phil was absolutely mortified. He couldn't believe he'd just been caught doing that, couldn't believe it had happened at all, let alone that Dan had walked in and embarrassed him. He should have known Dan was going to follow him to the bathrooms when he'd stopped to ask Phil if he was okay in the first place. He groaned again as he heard Dan coming closer, and tried not to react to horrifyingly as the other male promised him he wasn't angry, because all he wanted to do was shout about how much of an asshole he was for getting himself off to thoughts of Dan. It didn't feel like it was okay to do that when Dan wasn't comfortable with the sexual side of their relationship yet. This was part of why he hadn't wanted their friends to know they were together, as well. There would have been so much more pressure than there was now. "You actually want to see me right now?" Phil asked, already reaching up to pop open the lock on the stall door, huddled back against the stall wall and staring miserably up at Dan as Dan's face was revealed. He must have been red as hell, and he probably looked disheveled for his fast clean up, but it was Dan's appearance that surprised him. He could just about see the outline of Dan's dick in his trousers, and the sight of it was... not an unwelcome surprise, though it was a surprise. Phil was gaping as he looked up at Dan, who stared back at him sheepishly. With shaking hands, Phil pulled himself to his feet and stared at Dan, a little awestruck by the fact that he'd managed to turn him on. He was nervous as well, though, unsure what was going to come of this, but terrified that Dan would feel pressured by his own obvious erection and the fact that Phil had just been masturbating.

At the way Phil was staring at him, Dan nearly wanted to melt into the floor. He knew he probably looked like a wreck, but Phil did too and it was rather enticing if Dan was being honest. He could feel his dick twitch at the sight of Phil and he took a deep breath to help himself calm down. Phil had mussed hair and his cheeks were red and he looked like he'd just had sex. He was gorgeous and Dan had never been so turned on in his life. "Of course I want to see you, you tweezer," Dan murmured. He would have brought Phil into a hug, but he was too horrified that he may just come in his pants so he settled for giving Phil a peck on the cheek, instead, smiling softly at him. Truth be told, he wanted to just make out with Phil right then and there, but he knew he wouldn't be able to hold himself back and he'd rather be ready to do everything than to be compelled by lust. Phil still looked mopey so Dan patted his cheeks, a bit nervous. "I swear it's okay. Stop looking like I'm going to murder you."

Ashamed, Phil dropped his gaze, only to look back up when Dan leaned in and kissed his cheek sweetly before pressing his hand to his cheek and patting carefully. "Aren't you - aren't you freaked out? I didn't - I didn't mean to," he whispered, biting his bottom lip. "I mean - I just. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable when I know you're not ready for anything like this, and it felt disrespectful to do it at all, but shit, Dan, do you have any idea what you sound like when you moan like that?" Phil's cheeks were beyond flushed, and he was refusing to look at Dan again. "I'm sorry. It's not - it's fine. It won't happen again. I don't want you to feel pressured or, or... like freaked out or anything. I swear it won't happen again."

Dan didn't want Phil to feel bad for masturbating. Especially because he had masturbated to the thought of Dan. Just the thought made Dan hide a whimper with a cough, biting his lip so he wouldn't embarrass himself more than he already had. "You- you don't have to apologize," Dan finally gasped out, and his cheeks burned red with just how wrecked up he sounded. He sincerely hoped Phil wouldn't notice, and it was a bit of a shocker that he was this turned on in the first place. Here he was, all worried about the fact that he was dating a boy and that he may not like the physical stuff, and now he was standing in front of his boyfriend with the biggest boner ever and an urge to roughly slam their lips together. He took a breath. "I would rather have you masturbate to me than to anyone else. I'm not upset about it. You can do it all you want," he admitted.

Phil's breathing hitched. Dan's voice had gone hoarse with desire - he could hear how clearly he'd effected Dan - but his eyes were showing fear and something like nervousness that told Phil to back off, to leave him be, to pretend he couldn't hear Dan's want for him in his voice. Dan's pupils were blown as well, hiding the soft brown of his iris all together, and his cheeks were so flushed that Phil felt like he could feel the heat of them from here. He felt a shock of leftover arousal burn through him, and shook himself, dropping his gaze again to the floor because he couldn't bear to look at Dan right then. "But - you aren't comfortable with it," Phil mumbled. "It feels like I'm violating you to think of you that way." Phil's voice was hoarse as well, he was sure of it, and he cleared it as he reached up to adjust his clothing and mess with his fringe, trying to keep busy when Dan had him backed into a bathroom stall with no way out and an erection in his jeans that he clearly wasn't comfortable with dealing with just yet. Phil licked his lips, remembering the image's he'd gotten off too, and how much he wanted to do that now, whether he got relief of his own or not afterward. He just wanted to make Dan feel good, only he would never, ever even think of overstepping his boundaries like that.

Dan was so uncomfortable, and not because he'd caught Phil masturbating to the thought of him at all. He was more uncomfortable that he was so fucking hard and he couldn't do anything about it; he couldn't tell Phil to leave the restroom so he could get off, and he couldn't just whip it out because he didn't think either of them were ready for anything yet, especially since they hadn't even kissed yet. No offense to Phil at all, but Dan would rather kiss first before they did anything remotely sexual. Maybe once the kissing milestone was done, then Dan would feel more comfortable doing stuff, but right now that was off limits. No matter how badly Dan was considering it. Phil seemed to be taking it harsher than Dan was, and Dan understood. He reckoned he would be mortified as well, but he honestly didn't mind Phil getting off to the thought of him at all. In fact, he was rather flattered. Dan made a decision then, steeling himself up and looking Phil straight in the eye. "I masturbated to you too," Dan told him bluntly, smirking a bit. "Now we're even." If he had the balls, he might have told Phil he was planning to do it again sometime as well. But sadly, he didn't.

Phil's mouth went dry in an instant. He'd has his suspiciouns that Dan may have masterbated to thoughts of him and that's how he'd discovered he was interested in Phil for certain, but it was something entirely different assuming that and knowing that. He could feel a stirring in his groin at the thought of it and just how blunt Dan was about it, but he didn't have it in him to get interested again quite so soon. He had a terrible feeling he was going to be having a very physical reaction to it later. Swallowing thickly, Phil stepped forward and caged Dan in lightly against the door, leaning in so he could press his lips to Dan's ear but in a way that allowed Dan room to shove him away if he wanted. He heard Dan's breathing hitch and closed his eyes for a moment. "Considering this is the second time I've masterbated to you, I think maybe I owe you a little time to yourself to really make it even. Would you like to know what I was thinking about?" he whispered, waiting for Dan to nod that it was okay before he went any further with the teasing.

All of a sudden, Phil was caging Dan in against the door, seeming to keep his distance a bit just in case Dan wanted to push him away. He didn't, of course, curious as to what Phil was going to do and trusting him not to do anything that would make Dan uncomfortable. His lips brushed against Dan's ear as he started to speak in a husky tone that was making Dan quiver slightly, eyes nearly popping out of his head when Phil admitted this was the second time he'd done something like this. He nodded his head eagerly when Phil asked if he wanted to know what Phil was thinking about, completely addicted to the tone of his voice.

Phil took a deep breath. "I was imagining the sounds you'd make if I went down on you, if I got my mouth on you in the forest - and let me tell you Dan... the thought of it has never made me so hard before. God, I would worship you." Phil pressed his lips to Dan's ear in a light kiss, felt him shiver against him, and then pulled away. "I'll see you at the bonfire," he dismissed himself, voice husky and as horny as he mentally felt, but Dan couldn't pull that on Phil without expecting some revenge. Phil would never push him, but he would give him some time to deal with the issue in his pants.

Dan let out a small, needy whimper as Phil told him, his dick basically straining against his jeans so uncomfortably that Dan had to hold his hips back from bucking up towards where Phil was leaning over him. A moment later, Phil was leaving him in the bathroom, shutting the stall behind him. Dan got out a small, "See you," before Phil was leaving him alone to his thoughts and an unbearable erection. Dan could feel the blush on his cheeks, a constant since he'd walked into the bathroom and heard Phil jerking off. What was he supposed to do now? It was obvious by the way that Phil had left him in the restroom that he expected Dan to work out his problem, but was he really going to do it in the restroom? He let out a shaky breath and dropped his hand to encase his bulge, pressing on it slightly and moaning quietly. He really hoped nobody would walk in on him, because apparently he was going to fucking do this. Right where Phil had just gotten out his frustrations as well. The thought made Dan lock the stall and start to angrily tug his zip down. He was so needy that he was basically shaking, his body thrumming with need and desire. Phil's words were going through his mind and he imagined it too. As he wrapped his fist around his cock, he let out another noise and bucked into his hand, knowing that he wasn't going to last very long from all of the build up. He thought about Phil leaning over him, kissing down his neck, his chest, his stomach. He thought about Phil kissing his hip bones, nipping and licking, until he did the same to Dan's thighs. Then he would encase Dan's cock in that beautiful pink mouth and Dan would be a moaning mess under him while Phil took him into his mouth, sucking him down and running his tongue along his length. Phil's cheeks would be flushed with desire, his eyes blown black, just like he looked only a few moments ago in the restroom. Dan came with a muffled cry, having thrown his hand over his mouth to stifle his moan. It was the most intense orgasm he'd ever experienced, waves of pleasure rolling through him for what seemed like forever until he had grown soft. He leaned his head against the door and closed his eyes. Well, fuck.

When Phil returned to the table, he acted as though he'd just been throwing up rather than jerking off, his face flushed and his expression as sickly as he could make it. The others wore concerned expressions that Phil was unsure how to wave off other than by telling them that he'd just eaten too quickly and it really upset his stomach. When they asked where Dan was, Phil had to work hard to hide his blush, and just smiled sheepishly. "I might have thrown up on his shoes when he came to check on me. I tried to stay and help clean it up, but he said it was fine and told me to head back to dinner," Phil explained. Despite the slightly suspicious look that Kim was sending Phil, they all seemed to buy it, and Phil played the part as a good distraction to knowing exactly what Dan was doing in the bathroom right now. He couldn't help that his mind was addicted to the thought that he'd managed to turn Dan on, that Dan was definitely sexually attracted to him enough to want to get off to him, and the fact that they hadn't kissed yet made the whole thing feel even more erotic. Phil felt powerful, and thankful that Dan wasn't afraid of him. When Dan returned to the table, Phil asked after his shoes and the throw up, and Dan just went with it, looking far less flushed than Phil had after his ruined wank session. He tried not to stare too much and didn't miss the glances Dan kept sending his way.

After Dan's wank, he felt a lot better than he had in days. He was completely stress-free, his mind-blowing orgasm making him feel like he was walking on air and the thought of Phil having gotten off to him was the biggest compliment he'd ever gotten. The sexual tension between he and Phil had increased tenfold, and every time their hands brushed, Dan was afraid he would pop another boner. He didn't. Thankfully. The group of friends headed to the bonfire as soon as they were finished eating, picking up far more smores than they were allowed and then making their way over to their own fire pit. It was a bit away from the main one, giving them their own alone time, and Dan collapsed on the grass as soon as they reached it. The grass was cool underneath his body and the stars were twinkling so brightly that he was mesmerized while his friends lit up the fire. Once the fire was emitting a soft glow, crackling to life, Phil handed him a marshmallow spear, helping Dan sit up so they were sitting beside each other. They chattered happily for a while, eating s'mores and letting the fire toast them alive. Then, Caleb clapped his hands, eliciting the attention from the entire group. "Alright, fuckers. Time for some spooky stories. Any takers?"

Phil and Caleb ended up being the two to start the fire, throwing in the starter they'd been given and the one lone match, so they wouldn't be tempted to play with fire too much - though Phil was certain that some people would be dumb enough to do so anyway. Once it was flaring warmly, Phil bent over to gather up the s'mores kit's they'd been given, and began handing out the marshmallow spears along with one baggie each, giggling when he realized they still had six more sitting in the middle of the clearing. By the time he was settling in, he'd helped Dan to sit up, and was watching the way the shadow's fire played across his face. A slow grin spread across his cheeks as Caleb immediately initiated the scary stories, and he sent a wink at Dan before turning to the others. "I'll go first," he decided intimately, leaning closer to Dan as he stuck a marshmallow to the end of his spear, and pressed it closer to the flickering flames. Kim was sitting to his right, with Caleb and Mariah nearly on the other side of the bonfire, but they were all grinning at Phil as if they couldn't wait to hear his story. "I've always been a weird kid," he began, voice pitched low. "Seeing things that most other people don't notice, learning things about the supernatural that most people couldn't dream of - but the scariest thing is a creature called the Night Vale," he introduced, watching as every single person's face around the camp fire dropped in horrified realization that Phil, at the very least, didn't appear to be joking. The best part was, they couldn't possibly know if he was serious or not, because they didn't know him enough to be able to tell his tell's, didn't know him enough to know whether or not he believed in this crap. The fire licked at his marshmallow, and he continued on. "When I was eight years old, a creature came to me, and he told me the history of his kind. The Night Vale are creatures of the dark, who haunt the places where we can't see. They are born with us, and every single person has one, following them around their entire life. There was a time when they were visible to their human counterparts, able to be seen and communicated with, but as time moved on and their purpose came to light, they began to change until they became completely invisible to the human eye, manipulating the world around them to fit their needs, stealing from their human companions and directing them into or away from danger, depending on their fate. The Night Vale explained to me how they were the cause of everything, creating and destroying and weaving the web of our lives. He told me how they fed off of it, adapted and learned to survive until they were the real sisters of fate, and when their human died? They were the light and life that they watched flash behind their eyes. Don't believe me? I'll show you. Has your pet every tracked something unseen across the room? It's your Night Vale. Have you ever put something down, and turned around only to find it gone? Your Night Vale. Ever felt the hairs at the back of your neck raise in the middle of the night, sending you fleeing across the town until you felt safe back home? Night Vale. They feed off our fear, feed off the control over our lives. They're the creature opening your bedroom door at night, flicking on your TV and appearing only once in awhile in front of your very eyes, when the fear is so real, and the room so dark, you can't hardly see anything other than shadows that creep across your eyes." The entire group were quiet, as Phil peered around at them, and then he started to laugh, smirking and shaking his head to give away that he was joking, only for Kim to reach over and smack him hard on the shoulder. “You idiot! I thought you were serious!” she complained. Dan, Caleb, and Mariah all laughed as well, albeit looking a bit disturbed, and then Dan was the next one to speak up.

Dan shivered at Phil's words. He leaned into him a bit more, enough to not be suspicious if his friends looked at them, but enough that he could feel the heat resonating from Phil's body and his arm brushing against his own. The scary thing was that he truly didn't know if that was real or not. It had to be all in fun and games, right? But Phil sounded so believable, so sure of himself, and Dan found himself a bit creeped out. Then Phil started to laugh, and then entire group dissolved into giggles, shaking their heads at having believed Phil for even just a moment. Dan cleared his throat then, and it was his turn to tell one next, wracking his brain to try and decide what to say. "Five years ago at camp, a girl mysteriously disappeared. Her name was Helen," Dan began darkly, smirking as everyone turned to face him. He was mostly telling this to Kim and Phil, to scare them and to make them wonder if this had actually happened. "Nobody knew where she went or what happened to her. A week later, they found her mysteriously dead in the lake with no physical harm done to her. Ever since, she's been terrorizing the forest, casting horror on those who dare to venture when the moon shines high in the sky. One night, we saw her." Dan's voice dropped to a whisper and he referred to Caleb and Mariah, who gave little snickers. They knew what he was talking about, even if it was stretching the truth a little bit. "We were going out for our nightly meetings when we came across someone standing a bit further ahead. She wasn't doing anything, just standing there, facing a tree and unmoving. We didn't think anything at the time, joking around that it was Helen. We turned our attention away for a split second and when we looked up, she was nowhere to be found." The entire camp was quiet, Phil and Kim looking at him with wide eyes and he was proud to have made it sound intriguing. "At night, they say if you listen hard enough, you can hear her screaming." The entire group went quiet, listening, trying to hear past the sound of the crackling fire. And then. Dan screamed, jumping at Phil, and Phil let out a high pitched squeal, punching Dan softly in the shoulder. The entire campfire dissolved into giggles and Dan grinned warmly at Phil.

Dan's words were sending a shiver of fear up Phil's spine as he cast his gaze about the small part of the forest they were in, wondering if he'd get to see the girl as well, and then - Dan was screaming, and Phil jumped and squealed at the same time, covering his mouth when the sound exploded from him before reaching out and punching Dan in the shoulder. "That's not funny, you ass!" he complained, laughing and leaning into Dan for a moment, catching himself before anyone could think anything strange about it. Kim harrumphed across the fire, and crossed her arms over her chest. "That's a lie! I read about the camp before we came. No one named Helen has ever died here." Kim's lips quirked up in a little smirk, and began her own story. "But there was a kidnapping. Have you ever heard of the campfire alien? Fifty years ago, at this very camp, a string of unexplained kidnapping took place, panicking the staff and family members of the camp as one by one, students began to disappear. Search and rescue parties pulled apart the forest looking for the students, convinced they had wandered off and gotten hurt, but when it stopped, fifty children were gone." Phil glanced around the circle to find that Mariah had frozen in place, and Caleb and Dan were looking at each other like they didn't know what to believe. "Another week had passed by, with the camp having sent home the survives, when the children began showing up again, one by one, in the exact same order they'd gone missing in. None of them knew how long they'd been gone, or where they'd been and what had happened to them. But they all had one thing in common. They swore they saw a UFO."

Dan snorted at Kim's story, rolling his eyes. Even though he felt his heart pounding in his chest (he was always more frightened by stupid things like UFOs more than anything else), he tried to feign it off as if he wasn't afraid of what she was saying. "Yeah right!" he laughed, and his voice quivered a bit so he coughed to try to hide it. Then Mariah was clearing her throat and the campers turned to look expectantly at her. "I have the scariest story of them all," Mariah said, wiggling her fingers with a dark look on her face. Everyone held their breath. "Student loans." In unison, the group groaned and Dan found a marshmallow and threw it at her, catching her right in the boob. She glared at him and went to open her mouth, and then Caleb was speaking, cutting her off. "Has anybody ever heard of the Snipes?" Everybody looked at him quizzically. "Like the guns?" Kim asked. Caleb shook his head, seeming grim. "No, not the guns. There's a group of small creatures that nobody can see with the naked eye. They hide in forests, always watching those who dare to venture inside. They are waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. But there is only one way that you can know that they are here." Everybody leaned in, waiting for him to say what it was. "If you throw a rock, they will mimic the noise it makes because it sounds like their call." Mariah shoved her brother. "Yeah, okay, Caleb." Caleb raised his eyebrow. "You don't believe me? Then why don't we do a little Snipe hunting? You just have to be sure to be very quiet when you walk or else they'll be scared away." At that, everybody scrambled for some rocks, trying to see if Caleb was telling the truth. Dan found one and gripped it in his hand, trying to calm his breath. He was always a fucking wimp when it came to spooky stories and he didn't know why he had decided to do this in the first place. The group made their way through the trees, making sure to stay quiet, and then Mariah threw her rock. It made a noise on the ground, rolling a few paces, and then stopped. Everybody listened. Nothing. "Caleb, you fucking liar," Dan muttered, and Caleb hushed him. "Throw another one," he instructed. So Dan did, listening as it made it's way through the bushes. The noise stopped and then- there was rustling, a loud crack that sounded like a rock had hit a tree trunk. Dan let out a high pitched scream and flung himself at the nearest person to him, finding it to be Phil. He didn't hug him, but he leaned into his touch, and nobody questioned it because everyone was terrified at that point. Kim threw hers next, and the noise was back again, and Dan didn't know if he should cry or scream so he just burrowed into Phil's side a little more. And then Caleb started laughing. "You gullible pieces of shit!" he cackled and dropped a handful of rocks onto the floor. "I so got you!"

Okay so this time Phil was actually a little nervous as everyone got up to do as Caleb had said, shivering a bit and wishing he could reach out and snatch hold of Dan's hand. The other stories hadn't scared him too much - other than Dan screaming for dramatic effect, the little shit - but having to get up and do something in the dark of the forest always made Phil nervous. As the first rock was thrown, Phil was distracted by a movement to his right, and watched as Caleb stared at him with wide eyes, handful of rocks poised to through, and put one finger to his lips in an attempt to make Phil keep quiet about it. Grinning and nerves gone completely, Phil nodded his head, and laughed when Dan was tricked and he threw himself at Phil, burrowing into his side as he stared out at the forest with wide, terrified eyes. Phil wrapped a subtle arm around Dan's waist to hold him near, giggling as Caleb revealed himself and Dan tore himself from Phil to go and punch Caleb in the chest. Everyone laughed, and Kim, still shaking and looking nervous, declared "Let's get back to our campfire." They all agreed, but Phil fell back with Dan to gently take his hand and squeeze his fingers once.

As Phil grabbed Dan's hand, squeezing his fingers in comfort, Dan felt his nerves calm down a little. He hated being scared of spooky stories, wishing they would just make him entertained, but instead they drove his adrenaline through the roof. He turned to look at Phil to see him grinning widely at him, and was overcome with the feeling of wanting to kiss him yet again. Maybe soon, Dan decided, and he found himself beyond excited for when they would be able to hang out alone that night. It seemed as though Caleb had one the spookiest of scary stories and he was rubbing in everyone's face about how he'd scared the shit out of everyone. Dan was ashamed to say it was true, he'd jumped so hard and screamed like a little girl and that was definitely not something a manly man would do. During the rest of the campfire, they were chatting happily, poking fun at each other and throwing marshmallows when someone said something particularly dumb. Dan was overwhelmed with love for his little group of friends, smiling so hard his entire face hurt. When the night ended and they headed back to their assigned cabins, Dan dressed in his pyjamas but otherwise stayed awake, antsy with the thought of finally being alone with Phil.

Seeing Dan so freaked out that night had done something warm to Phil's heart, and he was left with a smile on his face for the rest of their time at the bonfire. A few times, a counselor came around to check in on them, where-in Caleb attempted to hide all his hidden snacks, but no one seemed to bat an eye at it, and they just enjoyed each other's company and threw marshmallows at each other because Dan was a literal child who thought it was hilarious to start food wars. Phil thought it was cute, and he wasn't even disappointed for the first time in three days that they had to go their separate ways, because he was going to see Dan for some time alone in just a few minutes.

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#phanfic #phanfiction #phansdick #snowbunnylester

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