#influencer doesn’t know what to say bc mom kinda saw I guess? she got the jist of what was going on and proceeded to tell the influencer- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hmslusitania · 3 years

Note

I see we're going ape over buddie and Choices tonight so

Yknow in 2.07, when Shannon comes back and her and Eddie have their first scene together? The argument at the end, after Eddie says it wouldn't be a good idea for her to see Christopher bc she left them, she says she needed him, she needed a husband and a co-parent - and "I needed someone to have my back!"

To which EDDIE says, "I always had your back"

*insert Incredibles "coincidence? I think NOT" gif here*

(Also side note, I do like that the show doesn't try to sugarcoat what Shannon did being messed up, and that Eddie's own actions weren't really the right thing either[thinking about his conversation with Buck where he says he got to pretend he left for a noble cause even tho he was running], and that it was just a sticky situation that neither of them were equipped to handle in any way, and snowballed. I do kind of wish we could've gotten post-divorce Shannon and Eddie and Christopher interactions, figuring out how they fit together, if at all, bc I like those intricate and messy situations but I could see how that might get too close to retreading old ground re: Michael and Athena's divorce. But I do hate how ive seen the fandom like. Seem to oversimplify things with Shannon sometimes? And make her the ultimate villain, and Eddie Did Nothing Wrong, Ever)

Hi Anon!

The decision to have Buck and Eddie's first bonding moment end with "You can have my back any day" and "or, y'know, you could have mine" only to then six episodes later find out that at least a contributing factor to Eddie's marriage dissolving was that he "didn't have her back" is like. Such a galaxy brain chaos move for them to take, honestly. Like?? They could've had the phrasing be literally anything in 2x07 but instead they had it directly echo Buck and Eddie in 2x01. What was the reason? Why did they do this?

As for the rest of your ask:

(gosh this got long and, uh, opinionated. It is Not Pretty below the cut)

One of the things I really liked about Eddie Begins is that we did get to see him at the beginning of his journey in being Chris's dad because it gives us an opportunity to appreciate how amazingly he's grown as a father. Like, he didn't start out as a perfect dad and he was definitely kind of lost in the woods at the beginning there when it came to the whole "how do I parent" thing. And before Eddie Begins, we'd only ever seen the end result of the growth he's gone through, where he really is a fantastic dad whose son is basically his entire reason for being. Before Eddie Begins, we get to hear him say things like "I left first" and "I've failed that kid more times than I can count but I love him enough to never stop trying" but we kinda have to take that on faith? Because we hadn't actually seen him be anything besides a good dad until we saw his Begins episode. (And even then in his begins it's like "area man in his early 20s unsure how to care for small child while also coping with PTSD and a toxic support system" which like. yeah. no shit. there's one hell of a learning curve there)

The thing about Eddie and Shannon as a couple and as parents that always gets to me is that they were so fucking young. We don't know exactly how old Eddie is in the show, but we can guesstimate pretty safely that he's around the same age as Ryan which would make him between 23 and 24 when Chris was born, and it seems reasonable to believe Shannon was around the same age. It's also a pretty common reading in the fandom -- although I'm not sure how much canon support there is for it because we really, really don't know anything about their relationship pre-Christopher unless I'm forgetting something -- that they got married because Shannon got pregnant and that was the Done Thing. And when you're 23-24, baby on the way, freshly married, that is just like. So much. It sure as hell ruined my parents' relationship when they did that exact thing, and then they disliked each other until they were 27 and then they got divorced, and no one was happier than me about it, I have to tell you.

Back to the show, I can only give you my impressions, obviously, but the impression I have always gotten from the whole "I left too" conversation and the context that goes into it and the different behaviours we see exhibited by the characters is that Eddie "left" first and it comes across to me that he was basically an early twenty-something kid running scared from the abstract concept of being a father in general, and then when he was forced home by an honourable discharge, and was confronted with the reality of Christopher, he managed to step the fuck up and become Christopher's dad. It's there in 2x02, right? "Oh, you've got a kid? I love kids!" "I love this one." Eddie doesn't strike me as a Swiss Army Knife all-purpose Dad(tm) the way Bobby is. Eddie is Christopher's dad. (and like, of course, he's obviously moved by kids when he's on a call, we've seen that enough times to know that if there's a child who can even glancingly remind him of Christopher, Eddie's sense of self-preservation goes out the window, and I love that about him as heart-stopping as it can be in practice)

Shannon, on the other hand, didn't run from the idea of being a mother -- at first. When she left, it wasn't from the abstract. She left Chris (and "gave up" on Eddie, thanks Helena). She was not running from a concept, she was running from a reality. I think Shannon is a fascinating character to include in a television show as a side character, because she really isn't a one note character. Like, she was unarguably a bad mother, and from what we saw, she was a questionable romantic partner to have (but as you said, anon, Eddie was also not 100% the best romantic partner when he was with Shannon either; their entire relationship so far as I can tell was built on sexual chemistry which, uh, super does not sustain a relationship), but she also seems to have been a devoted daughter? I mean, yeah, it's entirely possible that her mom being sick was a convenient excuse to bail -- and obviously she didn't come back after her mom died, and didn't, y'know, contact her son or husband in the interim, so yes, I can see that being a valid way to read the situation. I don't think she's the Ultimate Evil, because she strikes me as a very human character in all the ways that people are more often than not really fucking flawed.

But then we get back to the actual break-up scene. The first time I watched it (and second, and third; then the fourth time the person I was watching with was like "I mean, sure, but it could also be read in this light") her "I'm just learning how to be someone's mother" speech really bothered me? Partly because it was the abstraction of it, right? Eddie doesn't like kids, he likes Christopher, and Shannon sort of had the inverse journey there, I guess, where it went from she didn't know how to be Christopher's mother, to she didn't know how to be a mother. And that speech bothered me because it always sounded to me like she was bailing again. She begged Eddie to let her back into Christopher's life (guilt? I guess?) and like, straight up bribed him with sex which was sure a choice, and then decides -- for a second time -- that she's out. It sounded, to me, she was handing Eddie papers and maybe, in a few years, possibly, once she'd had "time" to "figure out how to be someone's mother" she would try again. Just like she had in the interim between leaving when Christopher was little and the time of season 2.

And like, that could totally be a misunderstanding of the scene and what she was saying. It's what I took away from it, but that could very well be influenced by the fact I was raised by divorced parents and my dad had custody and if you count up all the time I spent with either parent when I was a minor, I was predominantly raised by my father and have had an especially tempestuous relationship with my mother that is mostly (sometimes) repaired now that I'm in my late twenties and have not lived with her since I was sixteen.

Back to the show, and to your comment that the fandom tends to treat Shannon like the Ultimate Evil and act like Eddie Did Nothing Wrong, I mean. Yeah. Fandom as a rule tends to shirk nuance. We're all fools here on the internet sitting in our blue industrial waste container crying about a wee woo show. I personally believe a more nuanced take on that might be that Eddie has shown a great capacity to learn from his mistakes (sometimes to make fun, shiny, new ones, but for the most part, just like ends up doing better the next time) and Shannon did not show that capacity in the time we knew her.

I think, depending on what they did with it, there was potential for an interesting storyline if they'd played through the divorce. I don't think it would've been rehashing ground covered by Michael and Athena's divorce because I can't see Eddie and Shannon having reached a point of amicability and friendship. The only thing we know they had in common was Christopher, and frankly, when you boil it down, the ways they engaged with Christopher as a person were so disparate that -- to me -- it really didn't seem like they had Christopher in common when you get right down to it. But I wouldn't have wanted to see Christopher and Eddie dragged through an ugly divorce process. They deserve better than that.

There's also a conversation to be had about Shannon's blatant ableism towards her own son, but that is extremely not my lane since I am not disabled myself. But even from an outside perspective, basically their entire parking lot conversation in Haunted, uh, haunts me with it's repugnance and the fact that instead of calling her on any of it, Eddie "Chronically touch starved" Diaz's response was to kiss her? Gosh golly do I wish that was one of the mistakes he learned from properly instead of finding a new, shiny version.

ANYWAY this got long, tl;dr (although if you clicked on the read more, you probably read it) version is No, Shannon is not the Ultimate Evil, she's a shitty mom not a demon in a skin suit and a pretty yellow sundress; and No, Eddie is not a flawless human who's never done wrong in his life but holy fuck is he trying and he'd be the first person to tell you he's made mistakes (and often has been); and no, sorry, I don't want to see the divorce storyline play out because we probably would've had to see either Eddie Bashing, Shannon Redemption, or Shannon turning up again like a cardboard cut out of a cartoon villain the way Eva did and I want to be witness to exactly zero of those things.

#the ghost ship answers questions #I...honestly don't know what to tag this as #I have thoughts about eddie and shannon's relationship #that are probably unpopular opinions #teal dear she's a shitty mom not a demon in a skin suit and a pretty yellow sundress #and I also don't like her for personal reasons #and eddie is not perfect but I wouldn't want him to be and like seeing him try to improve constantly #and also am personally predisposed to like single dads #also for personal reasons

39 notes · View notes

mrfutureboy · 3 years

Text

WIP MASTERPOST

@chickenmcfly1 wanted to hear about the rest of my wips, so i'm gonna make a big ass post about them bc i really am excited to talk about em! i'm going to put them under a read more here because there's a LOT of them.

my full wip list can be referenced here. i already talked about cute redhead, i waited up all night but i never saw the light, jukebox heroes, and who is the man i see where i'm supposed to be in this post, so feel free to check that out as well bc i had a LOT to say about some of those!

i will go down the list as it appears in the original wip post but i will not be addressing the fics i already spoke about. the link to that post is available above!

disclaimer: these are wips so any snippets featured may not be perfectly polished! dialogue may be wonky, i might not have descriptors, etc. they're wips for a reason lol.

now it's time for me to find out if tumblr posts have a word limit lol here we go!

bttf2:

this is basically just an outline of an au where jennifer actually got to be a part of the adventure! that's not the only change but i'll elaborate later. i will be honest, though, this hasn't progressed past marty (bc in this fic it's marty instead of jennifer) getting out of his future home because i dont know if i want to just follow a similar plot to the movie but with jennifer, or completely change it up. because honestly i think the almanac business could be different with her influence.

other than jennifer being a central character and marty getting trapped in his future home rather than her, i wanted to give marlene a bigger part because i absolutely adore her. it's not a HUGE part cuz she's still a side character, but it's more than what she got canonically. tho admittedly atm junior is kinda sidelined bc since doc doesnt use all his juice on jennifer, he's able to knock out jr for the full hour (or however long it is idk). so instead of marty running into his future son, he and jennifer run into their future daughter! so there's no junior in cafe 80's but later jennifer and doc get to have fun w junior figuring out "how the hell do we get him back into his house and get marty out"

i wanted to get marty in the future house bc i think theres a lot of comedic potential in his future self not recognizing himself, plus marty's fumbling over the future technology is always endearing imo. oh, and him accidentally calling lorraine and george mom and dad when he shouldnt be is a good gag.

i did actually share a bit of dialogue from this fic here back when i was randomly posting bits and pieces of wips, so i'll include it here. here's a snippet from the beginning (formatting is a bit weird cuz im pasting it directly from a word doc so the indentations are gone):

2. Jennifer, Marty, and Doc touch down in 2015

a. Setting: Alley in Hill Valley

i. Marty and Jennifer want to explore.

ii. Doc details plan to Marty and prepares him with a change of clothes.

iii. Jennifer asks how she can help; Doc doesn’t have an answer. She insists she won’t just stay in the alley while they do God knows what.

1. “You’re not just gonna leave me here in the alley, are you?”

2. “Of course we’re not gonna leave you here! Right, Doc?”

iv. Jennifer asks for a disguise, then asks about their future kids.

1. “Unfortunately, I didn’t anticipate that you would be joining us, so I don’t have an appropriate change of clothes available.”

2. “You said Marty was the spitting image of our future son, right? Or, uh, the other way around, I guess. What about our future daughter? I could disguise myself as her while Marty pretends to be our son. She probably looks just like me, doesn’t she?”

3. Doc grimaced. “She is also the spitting image of Marty, but with long, blonde hair.”

4. Jennifer blinked. “You’re joking. Neither of our kids look like me? How can you even be so sure they’re mine? Obviously they’re his. Unless they’re just clones. What’s cloning technology like in the future?”

5. “Very efficient, but I can assure you that you are indeed their biological mother. They both have your eyes.”

6. “Of course they do.”

cute redhead: SEE LINK ABOVE

i waited up all night but i never saw the light: SEE LINK ABOVE

jukebox heroes: SEE LINK ABOVE

marty jr and marlene:

oh this one...this one is based off a drawing i did (and have been meaning to redraw digitally) of junior and marlene looking up at the night sky together. this one is one i love but admittedly havent worked on in quite a long time. every time i come back to it i change things up. (I've previously referenced the fic based off it here and here) It's gotten significantly longer as well every time I work on it (not that it's very long at all atm its like 1300 words. but i'm not one for writing super long fics). At its core, it's about the bond between Marlene and Junior and i think it's really sweet. Reading back over it right now, I think it's actually almost done??? so i just need to get my ass back to work.

also i want to say that drawing marlene and junior is much easier than writing them bc i worry so much about characterization in general but also it feels harder bc there's barely anything to actually go off of. which ig means i'm free to bend them to my will but idk i'd rather draw them bc they dont have to talk lol.

it was really hard to pick a snippet to share but considering i've already shared two bits of dialogue i'm going to pick out some not-dialogue:

It was a ritual they had.

One of them would knock on the other’s door late at night with an offering—several bags of snacks, a few bottles of Pepsi Perfect or a dirty magazine, typically—and the other would lead them out of their bedroom window out onto the roof so they could talk. Tonight, Marlene had knocked on her brother’s door with a Ziploc baggie in hand, and Junior’s eyes had lit up as he opened the window for her.

[...]

The unspoken rule about their rendezvous was to never push the other into talking about whatever it was that brought them to the roof. They figured their sibling would get it off their chest when they were ready. Tonight, Junior was more than content to just sit out under the stars with his sister and enjoy her company. Maybe that’s all she wanted. He hugged his knees to his chest and watched police drones patrol the street down below.

marty jr and mjf:

this is a fic i talked about recently! just a goofy fic where marlene and junior hit up "blast from the past" antiques (per junior's request) and this week there's a shipment in of teen magazines from the 1980's, a lot of them which feature junior's celebrity crush, michael j fox! so it's just sibling shenanigans in the store, and then family shenanigans later that night during family dinner. and junior getting embarrassed by his family members the whole time.

honestly i dont remember where this silly idea came from?? if i had to guess, it has something to do with super real mahjong ova having mjf on the back of cocksucker magazine in that one scene but i cant say for sure lmaooo.

this fic is also the one that features the "ha! good luck! you'll never be 5'7"!" dialogue that is referenced in this art post

i dont have much else to say about this so. time for another height-based snippet:

“Hey!” Junior dropped to the floor to quickly pick up the fallen magazines and set them back on the counter. He briefly checked them for damages, then turned back around to glare at his sister. “Give me that!” His arm shot out to take the magazine back, but Marlene was faster than he, and she held it above her head, out of his reach.

“Maybe if you’d had that first growth spurt you wouldn’t be jumping for it!”

“Not my fault those ugly wedged sneakers give you, like, three extra inches of height!”

Marlene gasped. “They’re not ugly! Take that back!”

“No way! Not until you give me the magazine back!”

“You’ve got a whole stack of, like, ten more on the counter!”

Ms. Ovitz rushed over when she heard raised voices. “Hey! No scuffling in my store, kids!” she chastised. Both teenagers lowered their heads in shame and mumbled apologies. Junior shot a glare at Marlene. She stuck her tongue out in return.

marty nightmare no comfort:

this one is basically what's on the tin: marty has a nightmare about doc dying in 1885 and the man himself is not there to reassure marty that he's even still alive. this is post bttf3 bc doc is Not There. and its so extra sad bc marty's actually asleep at doc's when he has this nightmare. sad little marty still sneaking out to spend the night at doc's place even tho doc isn't there. poor kiddo is so disoriented when he wakes up...:'(

i actually was about to post this some months ago but then decided i didnt like my description of the nightmare (and some other things) AT ALL so it still needs to be worked on a bit.

snippet:

Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, Marty scrubbed his tears away and took a few moments to control his breathing. Once he had calmed down, he hopped down off the bed and slowly crept through the laboratory. He couldn’t read the faces of any of the myriad of clocks hung on the wall in the dark, but he assumed it was the middle of the night. He also assumed Doc wouldn’t mind being woken up, considering the state Marty was in. It almost felt childish, but after suffering from yet another nightmare about his best friend dying, he could use a hug.

He bumped into the table and cursed under his breath, then immediately shushed himself. He didn’t want Einstein to wake up and start barking. He was surprised his crying hadn’t woken the dog earlier. He placed his hands along the edge of the table and carefully tread past it. Doc’s bed wasn’t too much farther, now. He squinted his eyes to try and find the shape of his best friend. “Doc?” he whispered, craning his neck forward to get a better look. “Psst, hey, Doc? I, uh, well—I had a nightmare, and I could reallyuse some, ah…reassurance you’re not actually dead.”

He was at the dresser now, and he could see dim moonlight pouring through the window on the other side of the room, illuminating—

An empty bed.

marty nightmare with comfort:

you messaged me about this one in particular and i'm sorry to disappoint but at the moment this is literally all i have written:

Marty woke up with a start in an unfamiliar bed. He half-expected some incarnation of his mother to tell him he was safe and sound, back in whichever good ol’ year he’d stumbled into, but then he recognized the dozens of clocks ticking on the wall next to his head. Oh, he realized. I’m still at Doc’s.

“I would never leave you, Marty. Not intentionally, and not without giving you a head’s up, first.”

which is the very beginning, and then the end. probably not the last sentence of the whole fic or anything but something near the end. for some reason this was giving me trouble and i honestly haven't gone back to it in a long time. it will be very similar to the no comfort one in setting and the nightmare will probably be the same but obviously it will be different bc doc will actually be there.

marty sr and marlene:

i've talked about this before somewhere on my blog, and i actually had this in my drafts on ao3 and was getting close to finishing but the draft deleted b4 could get back to it and so i lost some dialogue but i think i can rewrite it. anyway, this is a bttf2 au fic where marty runs into marlene in front of the courthouse pond after the hoverboard chase with griff. cue marlene mistaking him for her brother! hilarity ensues!

but wait, sonny, didn't you say in your bttf2 au post earlier that marty (and jen) run into marlene? yes i did! because i started writing this fic first, and then was like "wait how would that go down with jennifer" and started outlining that au!

the interactions arent exactly the same which is why i think both can possibly exist at once lol. even if they were the same, they're both my fics and i can do what i please lmao. tho i will say i only started writing this one for ONE joke. which i'm not sure if i've shared before but i will share here:

“Your voice sounds deeper, Junior,” she interrupted, smiling. “How long has it been now since you started T?”

Marty narrowed his eyes. There was only one t-word he thought might possibly be the right answer. “Trank?”

This sent Marlene into a laughing fit that had her nearly bent in half. “Jesus, Junior,” she wheezed. “Is that all you can think about right now? What the hell gave you the bright idea to take such heavy stuff in the middle of the day?”

Heavy. Finally, a word he knew.

Marlene wiped the tears out of her eyes. “I am so going to hold this against you forever,” she giggled, then burst back into laughter. “God, Junior, you’re really something else. I’ll ask you later when you’re sober. You sound really good, though.”

(also i call it marty sr and marlene rather than marty and marlene so i dont get it confused w the marty jr and marlene fic. idk it doesnt make sense but it works for me)

martyjen ear piercing:

this is another one that doesn't have much written, but the basic premise is that jennifer pierces marty's ear in her bathroom with a sewing needle, an ice cube, and a potato. here's a treat:

“A potato, Jen? Really? What the hell is that for?”

“To catch the needle, Marty,” she answered matter-of-factly.

parking lot scene:

this is just the parking lot scene from the end of the movie but with more desperation and crying because i like to crank up marty's emotions :) also there is currently frantic, holy-shit-i-thought-i'd-lost-you kissing. debating on how to end it bc it was just gonna end kinda like the movie where suddenly they arent in the parking lot anymore, but i also did start writing the drive home so /shrug i dunno. i'm really unsure about the actions/dialogue in this one so i have a lot of brackets of alternate dialogue/action lol maybe someday i'll figure it out.

one version of the kiss:

Maybe he could blame it on the adrenaline rush of watching his best friend die and come back to life, but Marty suddenly lunged at Doc, threw his arms around his neck and kissed him with all the urgency he could muster. Doc didn’t return the kiss—he didn’t expect him to. Marty knew in the back of his mind that this was a very inappropriate way to celebrate Doc not dying, but dammit, he had struggled enough in 1955 to come to terms with how he truly felt about Doc; if he didn’t kiss him now, he’d never get the chance to. Before he could even think about pulling away, Doc’s hands—which had been hovering in the air—settled on his back, and he was kissing him back.

riverside drive but make it more desperate:

second verse, same as the first: once again, i like to crank up marty's emotions, so this is a rewrite of marty showing up on doc's doorstep in 1955 but with a helluva lot more crying and desperation. i cant believe marty didnt cry when he saw his best friend ALIVE. this one doesnt have any kissing but could u imagine opening your door to a stranger one night and they fucking launch themself at you to kiss you?? that'd be fucking wild

currently writing a marty pov but i also started writing a doc pov?? so if and when i post it'll probably b a 2-chapter thing including both povs.

doc pov snippet. admittedly there's not much written for this yet but i thought it'd be a bit more interesting than re-hashing what we know with the marty pov, cuz that isn't all that fleshed out either rn:

He swings the door open to reveal himself fully, and the kid doesn’t move. He stares up at Emmett like he’s seeing a ghost. Emmett quickly reaches forward to grab the kid by the shoulders and pull him inside. “Don’t say a word,” he whispers as he moves to usher him inside, but suddenly the kid is throwing himself at him, his arms wrapped uncomfortably tight around his middle.

He can hear the kid muttering against his shirt, which is slowly becoming damp where he’s pressed up against him. Emmett removes his hands from his shoulders, instead letting them hang awkwardly in the air. Why is this kid hugging him? Who is this kid hugging him? This is the strangest practical joke anyone has tried to pull on him. The kid’s muttering doesn’t stop; he seems to be rambling some sort of apology, though Emmett can only make out every few words. He takes a ragged breath and breaks out into a full sob.

Emmett doesn’t know how to react. He has never been a particularly affectionate person with people he knew well, let alone strange kids that nearly knock his door down late at night. Slowly, his hands fall to settle on the kid’s back, giving him a few, awkward pats he hopes are satisfactory in comforting him. The kid’s breath hitches and his shoulders shake with the new force of his crying. Emmett offers him more gentle pats and a soft, yet somewhat strained, “there, there”.

also i know doc does quickly become affectionate with marty even tho he doesn't know him, but i dont think he would be all that comfortable in this instance lol. maybe in a few moments he'll like...feel a strange bond with this kid and like actually give him a comforting hug. and also bring him into the fucking house shfksll. i actually drew this idea first before deciding to try and write it.

title pending 2nd pov:

this is one i like a lot yet am kinda stuck on! it's marty's pov but told in second person bc i read bright lights big city like 5 years ago and i think second person is cool lol. i love how accusatory it feels and personally i connect to it better than first person?? which is weird bc you would think reading "i did xyz" would be a better self-insert than "you did xyz". idk it's like "you did xyz" oh shit i guess i did!! lol.

this fic mostly just serves as a rambling character study of marty post-bttf3. it takes place during a family dinner and is essentially just his (your) internal monologue as he (you) sit there with his (your) new and improved family. it kinda goes through everything: the way each of the family members have changed, jennifer, and some stuff about doc (and clara).

i also think its funny i've called this "title pending" bc most of these have placeholder names anyway lol.

it was hard to choose a snippet bc frankly there are a lot of bits of this that i do really like, but ultimately i'm choosing to share this one bc i remember (part of it) being one of the first things i wrote for it back when it was just ramblings in my notes app:

Your mother asks you about your date. Date? You went to the lake with Jennifer, remember? Oh, now you remember. You remember what happened at the lake, and you remember what was supposed to happen at the lake. You lie and tell her it was fantastic, but you don’t kiss and tell. She giggles and reaches over to squeeze your shoulder and call you a good boy. The truth is, you could barely look at Jennifer. God, Jennifer. Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. She’s just as beautiful as you remember. Except when you look too closely, she looks a bit different. Something new with her hair? No, it’s more than that. It’s her essence. Jennifer was never one to faint. She was fierce, and headstrong, and much more clever than she let on. She got almost as many tardies as you on a weekly basis, but always argued her way out of detention. She usually pulled elaborate stunts to get you out of it. She called Doc Doc, just like you do. Not Doctor Brown. She knew the difference between dreams and reality. This Jennifer isn’t your Jennifer, but your Jennifer doesn’t exist anymore, so now this is your Jennifer. Heavy.

who is the man i see where i'm supposed to be: SEE LINK ABOVE

sweet 16:

i feel like ive talked about this before but maybe i havent? anyway it's just a snapshot of the end of marlene's 16th birthday where marty reveals they got her a car. in this fic, the mcfly kids are 2 years apart cuz it'd be awful if they were twins and marlene got a car but junior didnt.

this idea is borne of this dialogue exchange:

"The end of the road's coming up, sweetheart. You gotta turn around."

"Roads? Daddy, where we're going, we don't need roads."

"Talk about deja vu."

"What's that, Daddy?"

"Nothing sweetheart. You just mind the road now and hey--ease up on the gas, Marley. The mall's not going anywhere."

i think marley as a nickname for marlene is cute ok

oh:

this is literally almost nothing, but the idea is that marty meets doc in 1955 and is like oh fuck he's so handsome and gets a little puppy crush on him. this is partially me projecting bc i think 1955 doc is so fucking handsome

pretty much everything i have written atm:

Marty was doomed as soon as the door to 1640 Riverside Drive swung open. Like a picture on the cover of a cheesy romance novel, Doc towered over Marty, his posture strong [blah blah blah]. Unlike a cheesy romance novel, Doc was wearing a weird ass fucking helmet and had a crazed look on his face, which Marty found immediate comfort in.

Had Doc always been this handsome?

Surely he would've noticed that Doc was, well, gorgeous.

i think i'm bisexual:

marty and jennifer come out to each other as bisexual. that's pretty much it.

snippet:

"I think I'm bisexual."

Jennifer smiled. "Marty, that's wonderful...I'm bisexual, too."

Marty was instantly flooded with relief and he couldn't help the wide smile that bloomed on his face. "Wow, Jen, that's...that's great! So we're both...God, that's a load off my chest!"

i fashioned you from jewels and stone:

this was mentioned in the post linked above (as companion/draft to "i waited up all night but i never saw the light") so i'm not going to rehash all that, but I will share a bit of dialogue that's specifically in this file:

"Dad? He's not the type to run in and save the day. If George McFly thought he was getting robbed, he'd gladly let them take whatever they wanted. He'd give them a damn tour of the house; make sure they don't miss anything. [If he saw me--well, if he saw me, he wouldn't think there was anything wrong, would he?"]

"What the hell makes you think Dad's such a wimp? You've seen how he's got Biff whipped into shape. Dad said Biff used to bully him in highschool, but he sure isn't taking any of his shit now."

"What?"

"You can't tell me you've never heard the story! Dad laid out Biff at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and has had him under his thumb ever since. Hell, he's got him waxing our cars."

"No, of course I know that story." I watched it happened, he doesn't tell the other Marty. "I just...he's really not a wimp?"

"No, not at all. Why would you think that?"

hold my hand (just like you used to do):

title comes from "i'm not leaving" by keane. it's not much at the moment, but the idea is that it's about marty's struggle expressing his emotions, especially in front of doc, and letting go of his macho act that he puts on to seem like he's brave and not cowardly. so the beginning will be when marty's 14-15 and about how doc gets him to open up, and then whatever happens by the end will be 17 year old marty grabbing for doc's hand for comfort, like when he was a younger kid. so basically it's about holding hands for comfort. also it's doc's pov i dont think i made that very clear.

the actual first line of this fic is "marty mcfly was a scared little boy" so you can just imagine how marty's going to be doing emotionally in this fic lol.

snippet. again, theres not much here atm:

For a long time, Marty had trouble expressing his emotions in front of Emmett. His face would twist up as he forced himself not to cry, and he'd clench his fists tightly against his sides. Emmett could see it eating Marty up inside, every time. What made the boy think he couldn't cry in front of him? Did this happen every time he wanted to cry?

Emmett slowly reached over to lay his hand atop Marty's, attempting to comfort him. The boy started wailing at the touch. Emmett was about to pull away, startled by the sudden reaction, but Marty's slim fingers clamped tightly around his hand.

UGH I DONT KNOW:

this is something i started writing for @lonepinetimeline to go along with a drawing i gave him for christmas where marty tells doc he loves (romantically) him for the first time. however i was struggling so bad to write it cuz 1) i couldnt figure out how i wanted to start it and 2) despite anything abbey tells u, writing romance and being mushy doesnt always come very easily for me. like sometimes i just feel like it's goofy idk. hence the title bc i was getting frustrated with it. maybe one day i'll be able to finish it for theo <3

couple snippets (not sure if i want these right next to each other):

He knew those big, warm, brown eyes were staring at him, begging him to look into them, and even though Marty knew he'd only feel more overwhelmed, he lifted his gaze. Oh, Marty wanted to cry; Doc looked so earnest. His name was repeated.

"Yeah, Doc, I'm fine, I'm great. Everything's perfect."

Doc's brow furrowed. "You look like you have something on your mind. Would you feel comfortable sharing with me?"

and then the dialogue that the drawing was based off of:

Marty's blush deepened, and he stammered out, "I, uh, love you, Doc."

Doc melted into a warm smile. "Marty, I am hopelessly devoted to you. I love you."

jeez doc you're really quoting grease rn

marty develops a habit of calling doc:

what little i have written in this document pretty much says it all:

Marty develops a habit of calling Doc and leaving voice messages even though he knows he isn't there, going so far as to label and replace the casettes when he fills them up. Emotional ending where after a long time, Doc actually picks up.

"...Marty?"

"Doc? Doc! Doc, is that really you?"

i think marty would call about anything and everything, but obviously he'd tell him about the big things, like what happened after he sent in the audition tape, stuff with his relationship with jennifer (including engagement and marriage and children--yeah, i want to play the long game to make it really fucking hurt). like literally marty ends up buying the garage and paying doc's bills and stuff so he can still call him and so that doc still has somewhere to return to when he does finally decide to come back. maybe this weird obsession puts a strain on jen and marty's marriage cuz it surely has a big financial impact. u know marty literally drops whatever he's doing to go drive to the garage after doc picks up the fucking phone and there's a big heartwarming reunion hug. extra sad if marty's in like his forties so at least thirty years have fucking gone by.

"why would this happen why wouldnt doc just come back, like, the day after leaving again so it's as if no time passed??" well thats not angsty is it lol i want the angst

it's cold (when you're not home):

this, my friends, is the beginning of a sequel/follow up to deal with god! the title comes from "you're not home" by keane (noticing a fucking theme? lol) i don't have much figured out plot-wise because there are a lot of different directions i could potentially go and i'm trying to decide between them. this will ideally be multi-chapter and probably the longest thing i'll ever write, assuming i can figure out a plot and find the time/energy to finish it. in the grand scheme of things, i dont have much done cuz i keep focusing on specific scenes and details.

quick rundown (until im not sure where exactly i want it to progress): this fic begins the morning after marty's been gunned down in the parking lot, with police visiting doc's home to escort him to retrieve both the van and the delorean (which has been found in the middle of the town square with its front end smashed in. coincidentally, the front of the theater is also smashed in). this will lead to doc spending some time at the police station, explaining the situation but without mentioning the time travel aspect bc who the hell is going to believe him? he's already lucky enough he's not getting charged for marty's murder. so the police have questions. the mcflys have questions. literally everyone in hill valley is buzzing over this tragedy.

so the mcflys. theyre in horrible shape as you can imagine. worst of all is lorraine, who will "revert" back to the way she had been in the original timeline (goddamn marty had no idea there were even positive changes after all that. so sad) aka she's gonna take up drinking to try and cope with her son's death. even sober, she's going to be very angry, and she's going to take it out on doc (understandably so). honestly anytime ive thought about this fic ive been focusing on her, doc, or jennifer so i dont have much to say about the rest of the family.

doc of course cared immensely for marty so he's going to try and be there for the mcflys but its gonna cause drama bc lorraine blames him for marty's death. most people do actually bc the terrorist thing seems too far-fetched (combined w doc's reputation it's all just fishy). jennifer is one of few who actually believes doc, though she still doesn't understand what the hell happened...until he comes clean about the time machine.

in talking in the comments of deal with god with @emmaannaelisabeth, she suggested the idea that doc comes clean about time travel (publicly, rather than just to a select few) and that this propels him to becoming a respected scientist and maybe winning awards as well, so i've been thinking about that cuz oh boy, it's what marty would've wanted for him but doc isn't convinced that it was worth it. not like this. also as soon as lorraine learns about time travel she's gonna have a whale of a time...:/

anyway yeah it's gonna be a whole mess and everyone's pretty much going to be having a bad time most of the time. there are a lot of details and even basic plot points i don't quite have yet but it's called a work in progress for a reason.

here's a snippet of a part near the beginning, where doc's visited by a police officer:

"Doctor Brown!" A voiced called from the other side of the door. "It's Officer [Not Parker], here to escort you back to your vehicle!"

Emmett got up on shaky legs and unlocked the front door, opening it wide enough to get a look at the police officer on the other side. He offered a pained smile.

"Hope I didn't wake you, Doctor Brown," he apologized, removing his hat. "Thought I'd take you over before the mall opened. You're not quite parked between the lines," he chuckled.

Emmett furrowed his brow as he tried to process the officer's words. The man was awful chipper for it being fewer than twelve hours since a teenager was brutally murdered in the lot they were returning to. He realized the man was still talking. "I'm sorry, I didn't get much sleep." About two minutes of sleep, to be exact. "Could you repeat that?"

"Not a problem, sir. I said that after I escort you back to your vehicle, I'm going to need you to come down to the station. They've got a few questions about the incident; it's protocol for these kinds of situations. Also got a few questions about the modified DeLorean we found in the town square that's registered you to."

"The DeLorean was in the town square?"

"Smack dab in the middle of the street, by the theater. Which, by the way, had its front entrance completely smashed in. Not sure exactly what happened there, but given the proximity of your car, and taking into account the damage to the front fender of the vehicle, I've got a pretty good hunch."

so which side of the family is he from?:

this is the only other planned multi chapter fic (riverside drive kind of ended up being multi chapter on accident, as well as marty jr and mjf, bc i just kept writing lol. but those r only 2 chapters each (eventually) while this would be longer. ideally. hopefully) and it is a follow up to little high, little low

i really dont have a plot figured out for this yet. i cant decide if i want to just do a stuart little 1 or 2 au but marty and doc swoop in to help out, or create an original adventure that involves tannens because is it even a marty mcfly story if there isn't a tannen? lol makes me feel like im writing for the cartoon where literally every antagonist is some sort of tannen, no matter the time or place. the way little high, little low was written was purposefully vague because even then i wasnt sure how i wanted to go about it later.

i currently have things written in this document to fit either idea. also it's funny because what's here barely has stuart in it at all. there's actually a whole bit mostly written out where marty asks doc why he's so concerned about his future family, and it literally reads like it could be its own fucking fic because it definitely feels out of place in this fic when it's isolated. obviously, if i had stuff going on with stuart before and after, it could make more sense within it, but right now its kinda like "oh okay this is a really nice bit of dialogue. dont know why theyre talking about it in this fic tho"

here's part of the only thing i have written that actually has stuart in it:

"Here he comes now. Stuart, would you come out here, please?"

"Hey Mom, what's up?"

Marty still can't believe he's looking at an upright, talking mouse. He must be gaping at him, because Doc gives him a curt nudge that causes Marty to quickly fix his face.

"Who're they?" Stuart asks as Mrs. Little bends down and offers her hand. The mouse hops onto her palm.

"Stuart, this is Marty, and this is Doctor Emmett Brown. Marty's your cousin."

Stuart's eyes light up. "I have a cousin? Wow, this is amazing! It's nice to meet you, Marty! Can I shake his hand, Mom?"

"Sure, sweetheart, if that's alright with him. Is that okay with you, Marty?"

Marty blinks. He looks to Doc for help but the man is avoiding his gaze. "Sure."

Mrs. Little leans forward, stilling holding Stuart in her palm. Once he's within arm's reach, Stuart sticks out one of his tiny hands. "Put her there, cousin!" he grins, and it takes up his entire face, his eyes nearly squinted shut.

Marty cautiously reaches for the outstretched hand--paw--and shakes it gingerly between his forefinger and thumb. "Right back atcha," he replies weakly.

honestly this fic/series is where i really get to be funny (imo) so i'm gonna share this part i have written just cuz i want everyone to know that i can write humour and have good comedic timing:

"[...] We're always in Hill Valley, anyway, where some generation of Tannen is out to get my hide, and what the hell am I supposed to do about that? But this is New York: no Tannens out East, right?"

"This brings me to my next point."

Marty's face paled. "You're not about to tell me there's a Tannen here in New York City that's itching to pick a fight with me, right?"

Doc shook his head but his frown only deepened.

"Itching to pick a fight with...Stuart?"

Doc winced.

"Perfect."

FOR CRYSTAL BALL:

this was mentioned in relation to who is the man i see where i'm supposed to be in the post linked above so im not gonna talk too much about it. this file is basically stuff i might add into that fic but at the moment is separate cuz its easier to jot down shit on my phone. here's something:

Marty's head was swimming. He could feel his thoughts being read, his memories being manipulated, as if the man in the mirror were physically arranging and rearranging his consciousness.

HELLO IF YOU HAVE MADE IT TO THE END CONGRATULATIONS IM NOW IN LOVE WITH YOU! But in all seriousness, I really appreciate you taking the time to read all of this (compiling this literally took me all day haha) and I hope that you liked at least a few of the ideas in here! I know some are a bit weirder than others (yes i am looking at you stuart little x bttf crossover) and some may be a ship you dont like, but it means the world to me that you took the time to get all the way down to the bottom <3 literally if you want like a discounted commission or a kiss on the mouth i'm offering it to any of yall who made it this far, literally just message me. and tell me which wip(s) is/are your fave!

#my fic #bttf #back to the future #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I HAD A LOT OF FICS TO TALK ABOUT AND A LOT TO SAY #bttf posting

8 notes · View notes

cruddyborderlandstheories · 4 years

Text

this DLC has me FUCKED UP and i keep screaming

spoilers for Bounty of Blood under the cut, keep reading at ur own peril. Also some Guardian Takedown spoilers for anyone who hasn’t beat it yet

tl;dr: a comparison between something taken from BL2 and a thing taken from Bounty of Blood. more spoilery tl;dr below the cut.

also the siren thing is not spoilers so i’ll share it here for anyone curious, it’s just this: siren tattoos are blue but when lily absorbs eridium in 2, they turn pinkish/purple. just like how vaults do from bl1 to bl2. they’re white/blue in bl1, then purple-pink in bl2 (and tps), y’know, after Eridium begins erupting from the ground. just a neat little detail i noticed that im not entirely sure was intentional but im gonna believe it is.

tl;dr: Gythian Blood = Core and the Ruiner is of Eridian Origin even tho everyone in the DLC likes to say it was created with Jakobs’ bioengineering. disclaimer: idk if I’ve found every hidden ECHO so I may be missing a few things but I have done every side quest and took ample screenshots of all important dialogue in the DLC : )

“man i just sat here for like 15 minutes staring at my keyboard mentally comparing core and eridium like the dumb bitch i am.

it's not like we can do an actual comparison because we have no idea what the natural fauna of gehenna was like before jakobs came and mutated everything with core unlike pandora where we know what skags and rakk and shit were like BEFORE the eridium crust erupted.

altho!!! there's a neat comparison between joey ultraviolet and rose. like obviously he wasn't getting tattoos and was just doing lines of crushed up eridium but the point stands they both have glowy eyes and unique powers so i don't necessarily think this means rose is a siren just because she has magic powers especially when we know she got the whistling passed down to her from her grandmother.

especially because we've never seen a siren interact with core before. altho that leaves the question we have seen core tattoos now what are eridium tattoos like? actually rose's tattoos were on her right arm obviously she isn't a siren as we know them right now (I saw a post on reddit where people thought rose was a siren)

of course that brings up the point perhaps siren tattoos ARE eridium tattoos. but then we hear the general's log about how the devil riders were tattooing a man with core and blood so obviously they're not ‘naturally’ occurring unlike siren tattoos. so odds are they're probably not equivalents but something interesting i thought of while thinking about this is how well siren tattoos compare to the Vaults from borderlands 1 and borderlands 2″

anyway. this is all ive been thinking about. yes yes i know guardian takedown post but! >:( im still salty even tho this update has been lovely (outside of Blane not getting his correct damage scaling ‘till today......). so i’ll do that at my own damn pace. now let me elaborate so i can sleep at night lmao

Eridium

refinement produces slag, which weakens people and can mutate things

has mutating properties, mostly with imbuing elements into shit- possibly causes insanity

seems to be connected to another dimension, likely the one the Eridians are from

Core

has a secondary form of Infused Core

has mutating properties, mostly regarding a thing’s body and mind

apparently radioactive

there are some things i wanna note

1) People throughout the DLC say the Ruiner was created by the Jakobs corp (the company) thru bio-engineering but I’m 99% sure that’s not true. The paperwork seems to me like they found the egg somewhere on Gehenna and decided to roll and experiment with it like all corporations do when they find weird alien shit. so maybe they experimented with whatever was inside the egg, but I don’t think they actually created it entirely

“Excavated from [REDACTED] ... Local legends speaks of a [REDACTED]. This theory is not endorsed by our research personnel.

2) The Ruiner’s design reminds me a lot of the Warrior.

3) Core immediately reminded me of Gythian Blood from Guns Love and Tentacles and I don’t think that’s coincidence to have 2 back-to-back DLCs where the big bad is focused on green death juice. I think Gythian Blood and Core are of the same stuffs.

4) Therefore, I think the Ruiner is (mostly) of Eridian origin (if you haven’t already guessed).

This gives us an amazing look into how the Eridians actually create their beasts!!! And I’m so happy they showed us this.

(side note, Interitus Regina (the long name for Ruiner) literally means Destruction Queen and I think that’s beautiful <3)

i mean the idea that they plunge them from orbit to create an explosion similar to a nuke is fucking horrifying (but holy shit I love it so much ahhh it’s so cool!!!!)

the one side line from Oletta about how the company couldn’t control the Ruiner deffo makes me double down on this theory. I’m not entirely sure how Rose’s grandma knew about the whistling (I don’t think I’ve found every echo log in that area YET), but I would bet it was part of the testing given how many fuckin’ tape players they have throughout the facility. The Warrior was controlled by verbal commands via Jack, so it’s possible that the Ruiner was intended to be controlled similarly, but Jakobs intervention (or something like the way Rose hatched it) fucked it up.

now we know the Warrior was created to protect the Vault of the Destroyer (hmm.) so what the heck was the Ruiner created for? Ruiner is a name given to it by Jakobs/the people of Gehenna so we can’t really assume, but then again the monster names are pretty apt in this series even tho they probably technically shouldn’t be.

it was only an egg, so maybe it was another test of Core? A Vault Monster incubating until it was ready to protecc and attacc but was never hatched because the Eridians ‘sacrificed’ themselves before it could? (I’m still not convinced the Eridians are the good guys. Listen. LISTEN. The guardian takedown is something to think about, BUT it doesn’t disprove that theory and I’ll stand by it because I 100% trust the Overseer more than bitchpants mcgee over here who thinks he’s soooo special for no reason fuck you and your dumb ‘I did what the Watcher could not’ bull you haven’t done shit.) ok sorry im done he just angers me. stupid guardian man. your whip is stupid and you should feel bad. oh also I totally called us actually being Guardians thru Guardian Rank before the game came out aha yeah.

I definitely think Gythian was a test/use of Core from the Eridians. We see in Bounty of Blood that core seems to mutate more the physical (and occasionally mental) parts of people, like with the crew challenges u do for Juno with all the weird hybrid people and whatnot. Gythian had the whole ‘the heart still beats’ thing going on (which is definitely a physical mutation if i’ve ever seen one), plus the whole, you know, mind control and shit. Which is p similar to what the menta gnats can do when charged with Infused Core. And keep in mind in BLaT we see DAHL notes on what happens to test subjects when injected with Gythian Blood. They mutated physically and went insane.

What im saying is Sirens and Eridium and Elements are connected, so what does Core equal? body/mind sure but are there unique creatures for core (yes holy shit I’m not talking about h2o au for once and FINALLY they gave us a canon name for the green stuff!!!). If not, I’d love to see a Siren interact with Core to see what it does to them. seriously why hasn’t tannis interrupted us yet. horrible excuse for a science lover (kidding kidding, I love her). I’d also really love a fuller rundown on what the hell Rose’s powers were. Because the whistling thing seemed to just be her grandma’s thingie passed down to her from her mom

but the core stuff

her gun seems to be infused with it. So did her sword thing. I didn’t really get a good look at it i was too busy trying to see thru my blurry tears of LOVE for this DLC.

Strangely while her tattoos are (mostly) green I actually don’t know if they’re core infused bc look at this

n look back at hers. hers aren’t very lime.

anyway

her eyes

I’d love to know if the core gives her immediate future sight or just increased perception or reaction times. there’s a huge difference but she seemed to be able to shoot the gun outta the sheriff’s hand near immediately and it seems kinda implied its because of the core (or at least because her eyes are glowing green)

there’s a possibility she has some unique core powers/possibly implants because of her relations to the project in the first place, or as leader of the devil riders after looting the facility. it’s really hard to say without more info and like i said im not sure if i missed an ECHO or two or not regarding her backstory :(

Her hair is also green which I just noticed. Maybe she has core powers bc her grandmother got suuuuuuuuper irradiated/influenced working on project horizons and it passed down thru her n Rose’s mom, to Rose. Tannis does have a line about Sirens having unique hair colors and, if Sirens are linked to Eridium, perhaps those linked to Core also have unique hair color. Could also explain why only Rose seems to have those whistling powers. That said we don’t really see anyone else trying that whistling thing out afaik and idk if it was, like, a special ability or a certain tone/ditty or w h a t.

i know being vague with everything gives them more creative freedom to create amazing characters and scenarios, but dammit I want A N S W E R S.

All THAT said man I’m so glad magic is real in the borderlands universe. oh, sorry, “magic”. It’s magic. Science it, tannis, I dare you. either way, I win. Either it’s magic and H2O AU is canon, or it’s science and I finally get my goddamn answers. Hey gearbox can you make a book just explaining all the science and eridian stuff. please. I’d love you forever. please. pleaheheheheaaasseee it’s all i’ve ever wanted.

oh also can i just say, suuuper disappointed we didn’t learn anything about anshin. Really wish non-fan favorite corporations would get the spotlight/lore for once. Like, I like Jakobs as much as the next guy, and I get WHY they did it (can’t have a corporation looking too good!!!) but they now have 3 DLCs (Jakobs Cove, GLaT, and Bounty of Blood) and also a hefty chunk of the main game. Like... we all know Jakobs fuckin sucks, look at what they did on Pandora. I really just want info on a medical corporation 😭 I have to do everything my damn s e l f. but SERIOUSLY IMAGINE the possibilities that could come from a medical corp getting its hands on eridian tech. like, yeah obviously the weapons corps are gonna use it for weaponry and stuff BUT WOULDN’T THE MEDICAL CORPS MUTATING PEOPLE MAKE MORE SENSE??? ldfhgldfshg I have to do everything my damn self...

anyway all that aside, this is definitely by favorite borderlands dlc by a LONG shot. Nothing comes close. Ahhh the lore, the nuclear aspect, the a e s t h e t i c (seriously, have I mentioned how much I adore Trigun???), the art, the music, the cryoslinger, the fact I can bust out going beeEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAans like Ray Chase at any time and it will MAKE SENSE. I love all of it.

oh, also, Rose is totally not dead. C’mon, they couldn’t find her body. She pulled a Lilith. “Are you sure she didn’t just suffer a wound that LOOKS fatal, only for her to come back in a blockbuster sequel...?” is a line from mr Jones himself (the movie guy)

I just hope when she comes back she gets to meet Captain Scarlett. I’d love to watch their interactions plus pirates and or ninjas. That’s 2 DLC villains now that have vanished without a trace. And I like Captain Scarlett way more than Rose (seriously I spent the entire beginning of the DLC complaining about how her voice bothered me- I was so happy she was a villain, I was hoping that was the case).

oh yeah, reminder, the people of vestige were living next to highly radioactive egg for likely years. i feel really bad for them :(

also!!!

this made me smile

#im tired #good night #bl3 #borderlands #borderlands spoilers #spoilers #bl3 spoilers #borderlands 3 spoilers #bounty of blood #bounty of blood spoilers #dlc3 #dlc3 spoilers #dlc 3 #dlc 3 spoilers #i don't want to spoil anybody please lemme know if there's any tags i missed!!!!

24 notes · View notes

haurchefantblog · 4 years

Text

Shadi'ra Amariyo

1. Shadi's anger is mostly proportionate to the situation. He doesn't like seeing people mistreated though and is sensitive to certain circumstances that make him react w more hostility.

2. Maybe not believe. He hopes? He really hopes there is someone out there for him whether it is a soulmate or not. Someone to ease his loneliness. He thinks it's a nice idea.

3. Bullies. He hates seeing the strong pick on those weaker than they are.

4. His happy place is a memory he made up as a child of his "real family" happy together in a modest home with a strong hearth". It was a thought that soothed him to sleep when he was little and at the "orphanage".

5. Maybe with Moss in LA Noscea. Her family unofficially adopting him. Future will be when Kokho finds him and brings him to his real family. Also when he saved Eorzea and finally felt like he did something right. Like his life mattered after all.

6. He was okay in the South Shroud with his caretaker but he wasn't happy because he didn't feel a sense of belonging. He ran away when he was about 14 and btwn then and meeting Moss when he was 16 were some really awful and rough years for him.

7. Shadi doesn't have money lol. He is generous with his friends but isn't looking to buy anyone's favor. He doesn't like others buying for him. He's been taken advantage of while drunk before so he doesn't trust ppl plying him with alcohol.

8. Before he was a rogue he was a scrapper and lost most fights so he has had fingers/hand broken, arm, and his nose.

9. Sometimes he wants to forget he had a family. It's painful to dwell on. The years in Limsa before he was under Moss' family's protection are also repressed often. I haven't gotten far enough in his story but there are definitely moments post arr that Will wreck his soul.

10. He remembers being about 4. His mother was still alive. He remembers crying and being held against her, and the warmth it brought him. He has not felt it since.

11. Quick to laugh, kind. Someone who doesn't make him feel less than. He's not got very high standards bc he's not been treated very well.

12. His first set of daggers given to him by Jacke when he joined the rogue's guild. Being allowed to join the guild meant the world to him and the daggers remind him of how far he's come but also that feeling of family and acceptance the guild provided for him.

13. His forehead tattoo. He thought it was a skin mark but it's ink and he has no recollection of getting it. He has on several occasion been very close to getting inappropriate tattoos in even more inappropriate locations. Moss' mom/Moss saved him every time.

14. Ear piercings. Tongue piercing. He loves piercings. He wants more.

15. A small humble home with a warm fire and a family that loves him. Preferably on the coast, but close, to a city.

16. He's a good cook. He picks up recipes really easily. He has very good instincts when it comes to timing and spices/portions.

17. Shadi is insecure about giving gifts, bc he never had much to give. He's definitely the type to poorly wrap up some money and call it a day.

18. He's actually really good at stealing and he knows he shouldn't be proud of it but he's so damn dextrous and nimble.

19. "he's weird and kind of annoying crybaby that talks too much"

20. "He's more intuitive than I would have guessed. Too intuitive. He's sharp." "He's a sweet boy with a sensitive heart. Cries a bit too much though" "He's got the makings of a true hero if he can stop holding himself back."

21. You name them he's got them. He's worried he's going to annoy or anger anyone that gets close to him so he kinda unwittingly keeps most at arms length despite desperately wanting connection. He's really worried he is going to end up failing as the WoL and become shunned again. He hates his thing eyebrows and that's why he started having moss draw them in for him.

22. Highest skill stat is probably speed. He had a lot of practice running out of harms way and the rogue’s guild honed that skill. His highest non physical stat is perception. To be honest even he doesn’t realize this but he has good instincts. Also a little bit of luck. His charm is hit or miss tbh.

23. Depends on the lie. He could brush off smaller lies or white lies, but huge lies, even if they were for his “Safety/protection” it’s like..how could you sit there and look at him and do that to him? It’s more of a matter of character and if he trusts you and you lie, you broke that trust.

24. Cold. He enjoys the cold. Rain or snow he’s not hugely fond of but he can deal with it. Heat kills him. The second he breaks out into a sweat he’s crying. Another reason he hates Forgotten Springs.

25. He is bursting to say it but never has, that he can remember. He loves Moss/Moss’s mom. But he never really said the words. He tried to show it with actions. He’s definitely in the “actions speak louder than words” dept wrt that but he’d love to be able to say it. And he will one day ;)

26. He whines and cries all the time about random stuff but he doesn’t really confide in anyone. He confided in Moss but she never really understood the depth of it, which is probably why he did it. She felt safe to tell things to. He’s too insecure to bare himself to other people like that.

27. Yes. He often doesn’t feel remorse when he’s witness “bad guys” die. When he’s killed in defense or for his work with the Scions. He will be devastated when Nanamo “Dies”. And Haurchefant, and Wilred, and all the people who die who touch him in some way and leave him alone again to deal with the pain of loss.

28. Yeah under his arms and his ribs he’s super ticklish.

29. He’s got an average pain tolerance. But he’ll start whining at the slightest pain anyway.

30. He wishes he could really tell Kan-E Senna what he thinks of her “leadership” and the horrors that his kind has to face in the Shroud on a daily basis because she’s too up her own ass to deal with the ramifications of racism and prejudice in Gridanian society and too “pacifist” do to anything about it anyway.

31. This boy can act right in polite society but he will need reminding. He’s gonna try and practically absorb his food. He’s a big chomper.

32. He created this version of his abandonment as a child that his parents willfully abandoned him and left him alone and that’s how he came into the care of Amariyo and her half-baked orphanage. Other than that, he’s confessed a few times and most of them weren’t kind in their rebuffs. Jacke’s rejection was kind but it hurt the most.

33. It’s not happened yet, but it involves G’raha Tia. :> Also probably Haurchefant taking him into his home after the events of the Feast.

34. Touch would really suck for him. He’s a tactile person but honestly hearing would probably be really bad for his profession if he lost it.

35. No he’s awkward and starts asking questions that are way too personal too soon.

36. He would ask Urianger if he really talks like that or if he uses language as a barrier to separate him from others.

37. He would definitely like to travel to the past to see how he got separated from his parents.

38. Moss and Jacke. Jacke saw his potential and helped him hone his skills which led him to becoming a Scion and helping take down the Imperials and defend Eorzea. Moss helped him be less lonely at a time when he was utterly alone and had no one. They both defined family for him. Later on, G’raha too will be family to him. The Exarch would probably be the answer later on bc of his influence in the past and then his fucking up his chance to finally beat Zenos.

39. Shadi never wants to be alone again. No one to depend on and no one to share your life with? He can’t handle it.

40. Asahi scares the shit out of him. He’s so fucking delusional and twisted he can’t comprehend that level of unhinged. Zenos scares him because the concept of killing is like a fun thing to him and there is something wrong with someone who thinks like that. It’s unnerving. He’s also scared of Raubahn bc he doesn’t want to ever be embarrassed in front of him. Raubahn is his hero. He’s also scared of Yda. She’s too dumb to be a Scion he thinks she must have used some evil spell to put on the Scions he doesn’t understand. She’s clearly a witch or something he steers clear of her.

#ffxiv #shadi'ra amariyo

1 note · View note

osetljiv · 4 years

Audio

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2odvuQkrlARSSv6Pvm41GM?si=sjzD66aFTGa5TkMfcIurtQ)

hi i am doing this solely for myself/my own records so please feel free to ignore!!!!!! i wanted to challenge myself by making a top 10 albums list from the last decade - it was rly difficult because my ass truly cannot cut things down and be decisive, but here it is!

i know many ppl r not into this kinda thing, but i really really love symbolic gestures - i love the idea that a new year (or a new decade!) can wipe ur slate clean, can give u a chance to be hopeful and excited and look forward to things - i hate change and i hate endings but the one good thing to come of them are beginnings! i love new starts, i love freshness, i love blank slates. i know that the end of the year/decade is arbitrary and doesn’t rly mean anything in the long run but....... it is important and super special to me!!!

i’m really not good with words/proper descriptions of the music itself, so i mainly just describe memories/associations i make to the albums, so don’t expect a proper music critic’s review or anything LOL… i am also not ranking by objective quality, but influence - these r the albums that personally made the biggest impact on me since 2010. i started off the decade age 13 and finished it in 2019 at age 23..... so clearly that is a very big difference in stages of life!!! i completed my teenage years, graduated from elementary school, high school & university.... i went thru many different friend groups, many different personality changes...... several big life events occurred…. many many hours were spent listening to music. and now i’m here!

my only rules were 1. had to be on repeat for a significant amount of time, 2. preferably only one album per artist (to force me to pick between them), and 3. i had to consistently listen to the album as a whole (as opposed to just a few songs out of it)...... some of my fav songs in the world aren’t on these albums bc they were either released before 2010 or i didn’t listen to the rest of the album except for a handful of songs (as is usually the case for me). so the albums on this list are markers in my life, and i could (and did!) listen to them front and back. and ALSO they are not ranked from 1-10...... it was literally difficult enough choosing just 10 and i truly would not survive having to rank them as well. in release date order, here they are!!!!!

owen pallett - heartland (jan 12th, 2010)

okay i know i just said i wouldn’t rank these but........... well this one is #1 regardless lol!!! the rest are not in any sort of order but this one has to be first (and how lucky that it was released first too!!!) this is the most important/special album to me in the world - it’s the first album released by my favourite musician under his real name, it has some of my most favourite songs of all time on it - it’s probably the first album in my life that i loved and listened to as a whole! when I was younger i never used to have favourite singers or favourite writers or favourite artists - i would have one favourite song/book/painting but never look into the creator’s other work, never had any interest in organizing things that way. but this is the first time i thought - “i adore this song..... and i adore all the other songs this person makes.... so i guess i like this whole album?” not to mention it’s a whole story and world - heartland tells a whole fable and sounds so beautiful doing so. owen was also the first concert i’ve ever been to! he is so beautiful and wonderful and this album is perfect and has my heart and can do no wrong! and as a plus it was released right at the beginning of 2010 so it truly started off the decade and set the pace. i really don’t know what else to say! heartland was a constant throughout the last ten years - i can’t tie it to one specific moment or feeling the way i can with the other albums. this one was really just the background of my whole adolescence, i guess, and i’ll love owen and this album forever!!!! love love love

gorillaz - plastic beach (march 3, 2010)

i honestly didn’t listen to this album as a whole until the summer after grade 11/before grade 12 when i had to take summer school for math bc i failed (first class i had ever failed :’)!!) and needed the credit for my grade 12 courses (many of which i ended up failing anyway lol) BUT i still had hope at this point so this summer wasn’t that bad..... i remember i had to buy my own bus pass for the summer w my own work money for the first time and walk to the mall bus stop every day all summer to take the city bus downtown to the highschool that used to b a prison (RIP, it got torn down this year) to take summer math from 8-3, 5 days a wk. i loved those classes surprisingly? i remember that summer i dressed so cute every day, i would wear my extra ass dresses and knee high socks and do my hair all cute...... i’d steal my mom’s old lady sweaters w mini skirts and make my own coffee to bring w me and felt so adult..... i didn’t make any friends bc i thought they were all too cool but later learned that the girls in class rly liked me and remembered me the next year when i’d see them at their highschool when visiting for a trivia tournament (don’t judge!!!!) also the first time i got hit on bc a 30 yr old man in my class somehow got my email from the teacher and sent me a creepy email asking me out and i was too scared to go to school the next day lol..... truly feels surreal. but yes i would listen to this album (and demon dayz!) on repeat cuz i found the full albums uploaded to youtube so i remember i would just listen to the entire album all the way thru for the duration of the bus ride while looking out the window and daydreaming bc i couldn’t skip any songs and I couldn’t go on my phone bc the music only plays if u keep the youtube app open…. so it’s hard to listen to the songs individually now because i just picture the transitions every time!

caribou - swim (april 20, 2010)

this was my summer between grade 8 - grade 9! up until this point i only had a handful of western artists that i listened to (before highschool i listened almost exclusively to Japanese doujin groups that remixed video game music…. do NOT judge!!!) and i felt soooo cool when i started listening to this album/others like it… had odessa downloaded on my zen creative mp3.... so freaking good!! got so embarrassed of my music taste after this LOL cuz my brother saw the album cover on my phone in highschool and asked what hipster shit i was listening to. little did he know.... its GOOD!!!! such a great album to just listen to all the way through. perfect background music for studying/ /walking/smoking/literally doing anything to! i can still listen to it and pinpoint different/new melodies in the back in certain songs. so good!!!

crystal castles - (II) (april 23, 2010)

so many 2010 albums wow but LISTEN....... i first heard crystal castles in either 2010 or 2011, immediately after i first made a tumblr in grade 9.... this was the era when offensive bloggers and hipster british bloggers were like the only 2 sections of tumblr...... one of the first ppl i followed was this one super popular british blogger, this kid from london who was probs 15 and he had like, a pale grunge aesthetic and rly long bangs that covered his eyes.... i forget his name omg i wish i could see what he was doing now! but ya i loved him i thought he was the coolest thing ever, i went on his blog and he had autoplay and pap smear was the first song that started playing...... i remember being like wtf is this??? first time i heard music like that, with the video game sounds mixed in and the vocals so distorted. i literally was enamoured like i remember thinking i should hate it and wtf r these british freaks listening to but like..... i could NOTTTT STOP and i remember i wouldn’t even bother looking up the song on youtube or anything, when i wanted to listen to the song i would just go to this guy’s tumblr LOOOOOL god!!!! on the outside i was a cutesy girly girl but on the inside i was a pale grunge hipster british tumblr user!

beach house - bloom (may 15, 2012)

this album is just the sweetest, prettiest memory…. it’s so.. crisp? and clear and pure and loving! beach house was (unsurprisingly) my spotify artist of the decade and i don’t care what rep they get or how similar their music may sound i love them with my entire heart! discovered them from tumblr (as i did most of my fav highschool albums) - first beach house song i ever heard was wild - i remember the first time i started being (SLIGHTLY) less mortified of talking about my music taste to other people, it was maybe in first year? i had gotten into my friend’s car, before we got super close, and she was playing a song off of bloom i think! and i remember my heart just stopped!!!! and i was so absolutely terrified of saying anything, but even moreso excited to see someone whose opinion i cared about who was listening to music that i liked, and so i gathered all my strength and tried to be super casual and say something like “oh, you like beach house, too?” (meanwhile i was literally shaking with nerves…..) and she just so easily said “yeah, i love this song!” and it was the most validating, comforting thing! and a while after that, one of my favourite memories: my other friend got hired at a local café/tea shop, the teeniest little place – it was like 3x4 metres, max – and she would close the store alone, and it was always completely dead, so the group of us would go and sit with her for her entire shift in this sweet warm little store – we’d have tea and coffee and scones – and over the store speakers, she would play whatever we wanted – and for a while i didn’t make suggestions, let everyone else choose, but! i worked my way up to suggesting she play bloom – and she would play the album all the way through, and she surprisingly really liked it?? and then it became the default soundtrack to our tiny hangouts in the tiny café :’)

toro y moi - anything in return (jan 16, 2013)

WOWWWW truly such a throwback....... this is the first time i felt cool, TRULY cool listening to music LMAOOOO SO EMBARRASSING!!! i remember the day it came out, grade 11 i guess??? but i swear it must have leaked way earlier cuz i remember listening to this way before.... my fav tumblr user at the time (kiki deerhoof LMFAO now THAT is a throwback!!!!) was always posting abt toro y moi and made a mixtape w his music on it and i fell in love..... and i wanted to be cool too! so i would obsessively listen to this album when it dropped. the album drop also overlapped w the moment my grades/effort in school went on a steep decline (not that it caused it ofc but this was like…. the background music to my demise, in a way!) i’ll never forget listening to so many details on my chilly walk past my old elementary school at 6am to get to my bus stop - way too cool for school

mac demarco - salad days (apr 1, 2014)

how fitting that chamber of reflection is playing in the coffee shop as i type this :’) this album was the soundtrack to my late grade 12/entire grade 13 experience. i was SO thoroughly and unbearably depressed LOOOOL it was really awful… i’m laughing now thinking back at it but honestly the feeling of being left behind by all of your friends and having to come to terms with not meeting ur own expectations of urself… having to repeat a year and being the oldest one in ur classes…… SO AWFUL!!!! really truly idk how i did it! but the whole time, all year, i would listen to this album. i would always play it on my walk to the city bus (in grade 13 i never made the actual school bus and i don’t even know how much money i must have paid taking the city bus every day bc i truly could not get out of bed early enough to take the free school bus but ALAS……) and i swear to you that entire year was grey and foggy and cold and damp… and i would play salad days (the song itself) and my emo ass would associate 100% with mac singing “oh mama, acting like my life’s already over….. oh dear, act your age and try another year,” and i swear he was singing it just for me, trying to slap me out of my stupor by saying “calm down, ur fine, ur life isn’t over, it’s just one year and you’ll be back on track!” and sometimes, SOMETIMES!! it worked!

azealia banks - broke with expensive taste (nov 7, 2014)

i know i know..... i’m aware how we feel about azealia now....... and i know how overstated it is when ppl say “she may be problematic but she was an artistic GENIUS!!!” so i will not add more to the conversation but....... is this album not pristine? like what a masterpiece????? this album straight up defined my highschool experience even tho it was released at the beginning of grade 12..... all of grade 12/13 i was blasting this album while walking down the hallway hating literally everything! i grew up idolizing my bro and all he listened to (techno/house/etc) and loving it but being too embarrassed of copying him to get too into it, but then hearing azealia sound cute and sexy and scary while interpolating all these house beats. LITERALLY chicken soup for the soul… it felt like she made it just for me!! and even before bwet actually dropped, listening to 212 and all of her other singles waiting for her to finally drop the album she was tweeting about for years, like i don’t remember the last time i anticipated an album for soooo long? and she dropped it days after my 17th bday which really was such a perfect gift. listening to this w my friend who also loved azealia, pretending we were cool as SHIT and so grown up...... beyond influential

frank ocean - blonde (aug 20, 2016)

ur lying if this album wasn’t a pivotal moment for u......... blonde is the sole reason summer 16 is viewed as a cultural landmark. i SWEAR!!!! i may have spent 8 hours a day on tumblr in 2016 but my ass was NOT cool enough to have been listening to frank ocean prior to blonde..... no i never listened to channel orange before this, yes i know i was behind the times! 2016 was the summer after my 1st year of uni, august i had just finished my summer school course so my summer was just starting (i was re-taking 1st year math bc i failed..... some things never change huh!!!! lied to my dad and told him i was tryna get ahead by taking bio in summer school... he believed me till he caught me in a lie by chatting w my friend he bumped into at walmart LOL.... and yet he never said a word :’) an angel) this was also the summer my dad left for a few months to go travelling across canada, he was gone all summer and my bro was busy working and so was my mom and i had the car all to myself for the first time. went on SOOO many drives this summer blasting this album. not to mention that since my dad wasn’t home the responsibility to drive my mom to work fell on me and wow i LOVED it? i realized i love having little responsibilities and having ppl rely on me in little ways like this..... i loved going to bed at 3am and having my mom gently wake me up at 5:30am, having a coffee with her before leaving in my ratty pajamas to drive her to work, the sun was just rising but it was already sooo hot, that summer i remember i couldn’t even hold the steering wheel cuz it was burning and my car didn’t (still doesn’t!) have AC, i’d drop her off to work up on the mountain and as i drove down the escarpment i would roll down the windows and blast pink + white right as the sun began to peek over the clouds and i would take a pretty sunrise pic every time before driving around for a bit, listening to this album, going home, and going back to sleep till 2pm

blood orange - negro swan (aug 24, 2018)

i fully expected this list to be mainly albums released earlier in the decade, which makes sense – they would’ve had more time to have an effect on me – but as the final/most recent entry on my list, this album was beautiful enough to be a consistent part of the most recent year-and-a-half of my life!!! it’s also unique in that it’s one of the only albums on this list, i think, where i had already been a big fan of the artist’s previous work and was waiting for the album to drop. not 2 sound like one of THOSE people but i often find myself liking the first albums i heard from an artist/their older music better than newer work they release (not always!!! but often!), not from any kind of elitism or anything but honestly probably just nostalgia fogging my taste? especially for my first listen of a new album – it usually takes some time and a few re-listens before i really enjoy a newer release – BUT! from the moment dev released the album cover (which is so beautiful? one of my fav album covers off the top of my head) and dropped the first 2 singles, ESPECIALLY charcoal baby, i was so so enamoured with the album, right from the start. that whole summer i had it on repeat – early the next year i saw dev play in Toronto, and it was one of the best concerts i’ve ever been to – the lighting and colours and his dancing and demeanour, the other vocalists, plus we were right up at the stage, it was so stunning!!!!! this album has consistently appeared on all of my various spotify playlists, it rly can suit all moods and occasions, i love it very much and it’s the perfect album to round out my past decade in music!

honourable mentions: SPEED ROUND

yes i’m a CHILD that cannot commit to cutting things down...... but tbh i’m surprised enough that i was able to preen my list into a top 10 anyway. so these r the honourable mentions that i couldn’t live with myself if i didn’t mention in some way!!!! all also very good and important and special to me, in no particular order!

mount kimbie - love what survives: i won’t lie this one hurt to not include on my top 10 :( i’m surprised too.... my friend rly fought for this to be included but i had to listen to my heart!!! however ofc i HAD to include it here at the very least. i was so shocked when it dropped, it was nothing like the rest of mount kimbie’s stuff i had previously heard.... i discovered them randomly when i was studying and spotify did that annoying thing where it plays “artist radio” or whatever so one of their older songs came on shuffle and WOW it was so good! and then i properly listened to them after hearing their songs with king krule... anyway this album is stunning and i am SO sad i didn’t get to see them when they came to toronto but i promise myself (and u!) that i will go the next time they come by!!!! u have my word!

foals - holy fire: this one also hurts a lot to not include :((( a LOT a lot! this one i’m really fond of, my fav foals album and one of the main albums i associate with highschool! so pretty, i’ll never forget hearing holy fire (the song itself) for the first time, so angry and satisfying and GOOD!!!

king krule - 6ft beneath the moon/the ooz: love both these albums soooo so much, i think 6fbtm came closer to almost being in the top 10 but others had it beat juuust slightly - these albums defined the beginning/end of my uni career, respectively, and i’ll cherish them forever! love archie’s ugly ginger ass with my whole heart

james blake - the colour in anything: was such a fan of james and was so excited when this album dropped - it was the start of summer i think? and i would always play it when i went for bike rides to the beach with my dad! such pretty music to drive ur bike to beside the water, all the way down the waterfront until we got to the next city over, riding past all the rich ppl’s mansions and trying to sneak a glance into their windows as we rode by

beyonce - self-titled: obviously the day this dropped - w no promo whatsoever - was a critical moment in music history!! we played this obsessively in high school, blasted this album the entire Europe trip in grade 12 and it just reminds me of travelling and planes and France…. so sexy!

solange - a seat at the table: rly truly a gorgeous album!! we played this in the car when my friends and i trekked to Toronto early one fall morning right after it dropped, we skipped school to go to some event at a café, and we had to wake up DUMB early, like 4:30AM, and i went to go pick them up and we were all way too tired to talk to eachother and stressed cuz we absolutely COULDN’T miss the train so i played this album the whole drive there while the sun was rising and it was so calming and pretty and special

0 notes

jess-oh · 6 years

Text

Reflection

HELLO JOURNAL!

im doing better! I made a few mistakes today but it’s okay bc i own up to it! i chose to stay up late last night with jason and help him with his homework and honestly, i think my crush is going away, haha. mostly bc i was trying to give him advice last night and he just kept brushing it off and avoiding the problem. i also found out hes really bitter. i think it’s partly a result of angela’s attitude and her influence bc hes normally so selfless and grateful. thats part of the reason why i took a liking to him in the first place. but now hes just so bitter and i didnt really know what to say. i guess my words came off like a lecture. but i was just frustrated bc he seemed so unhappy with his situation but wasnt willing to do anything about it or own up to the problems at hand. and this is definitely me being swayed by my emotions and i want to process this and approach this in a more loving, compassionate, and understanding way. i know it sucks when the community feels cliquey and toxic and i really dont know what to say to him. i would be lying if i said i didnt want to leave bc of that last semester. but God showed me clear signs to stay and invest so i will. and it’s been tough but I trust that I am doing good work here. Earl keeps offering his church to me but I’m sticking with Lakeview. At least for now. I know that I am called to be here and maybe that will change in the future but for now, this is where God wants me to be and I intend to carry out His will. But I don’t think Jason had that calling. He just came and stayed bc it’s where he was introduced and by default, convenient. I don’t want him to leave bc I think he has a lot to give, especially regarding his unique experiences in a “worldly lifestyle” that many of us lack an understanding/exposure of. But I trust in you God. I think the best thing to do is to just genuinely pray for him.

Dear God,

I do really care about Jason as a friend and it’s been pretty rocky for him. But I remember how excited he was to share his life with me when we met up for bibimbap last time and it was so encouraging. He’s so selfless and cares so genuinely for others and I know that you are going to use those gifts in really powerful ways for your Kingdom. And I am so excited for him! But right now, he isn’t doing too well and you know his heart better than anyone. I think he is secretly longing for you but keeps falling victim to the temptations of the world and is just too afraid to face the reality of the situation. But I pray that you will warm his heart and let him know that you are here. Not even just near. You are here. Within his heart. And you’re never letting go. I don’t want Jason to think or assume we’re going to judge him for his negative habits. I like to think that I’m pretty understanding of that kinda stuff but the truth is, I’ve never done it either and I’m still a prude at the end of the day. But I don’t have any room to judge and I just really pray that he doesn’t feel so ashamed of his own habits and mistakes and even if he doesn’t feel comfortable coming forward and telling us, I pray above all else that he feels and knows that he can always come to you. You love to unconditionally and recklessly, Lord. And I pray that he would know that too.

I pray all this in your name,

Amen.

I only walked 7k steps yesterday and I was pretty disappointed :( I woke up just as the train was leaving the 47 red line station and decided to take the 55 bus from the next stop, Garfield instead. And the bus came quickly which was nice. A man and his daughter sat across from me and we generally minded our own business. And I don’t know if I was afraid of being judged or rejected or if I was just too tired and half awake, but once they got off, I saw a bag of food left behind and wanted to ask if it belonged to them. But I was too slow. So I got off at the next stop instead and started running back. I do wish I ran faster or just continued to run so that I could’ve caught them but I didn’t. I was admittedly a little nervous venturing into the area but I just kept praying in my mind for God to protect me and lo and behold, He came through! I didn’t end up finding them but left the bag at a soup kitchen and posted a status on Facebook trying to spread word instead. I don’t know why I did it. Was it to prove that I’m a good person to myself or Jason? Was it to make me feel good? i don’t know. But what matters is that I did it. I got off that bus when I could have just as easily stayed and let someone else deal with it and just gone home. I knew that I really wanted to do my laundry tonight too and walking home just delayed the whole process. But I did it anyway and got my steps in as I walked home. I could’ve taken the bus but I really wanted to push myself. The only thing is, it was super humid. But I did my best not to complain and just keep on forging on ahead. And I did it! I got way more extra steps in and I was pretty proud of myself. I’m finally catching up to my other friends on the map! >:D Hehehehe.

Oh, also, on my way home, Edgar sent me a funny gif of a giraffe and hoped that my day would get better. I’m still not really sure what prompted that message but it was nice. I thought about my few mishaps and it helped me realize that I have grown. I would’ve definitely complained about my misfortunate immediately and documented it via snapchat in the past but i didn this time. i just owned up to it and moved on. i was lowkey freaking out that i hadnt actually grown at all while thinking on the bus ride home and pulled out my phone to distract me instead. but that message from Ed was a nice reminder and sign from God that I have changed and grown and become a better person.

I saw James Kang’s insta today and his post about how this past year has really sucked but how he continues to have faith in the Lord and I’m genuinely happy he’s doing well. And I only want to take the time to apologize to him for my behavior during high school. I was so judgmental, and quick to make assumptions at that. And I ruled with an iron fist. I didn’t know what he was going through or what his life had entailed. I just assumed it was sheltered and well off like everyone else but that doesnt seem to be the case, esp according to what he wrote about. And I do want to be there for him. Really. I’m very sorry James. And I can’t promise that I won’t judge or act out again because I’m still growing and am not yet in a place so stable where that is a firm possibility. But I want to continue to try and get there. Please support me along the way.

Jason messaged me while I was typing this earlier and I was surprised to see him make the first message instead of me always trying to get a response out of him. And I was glad but the butterflies I previously would’ve felt were significantly quieter. I think I’m basically over it at this point. But I do still want to be there for him as a friend. And I’m not so worried that I’m going to accidentally replace Angela either. I think I was before bc I liked him in a romantic way and did want something more but not anymore. Now I just want to be a good friend for him.

And finally, I finally asked for Andrew’s advice regarding how to approach taking care of my friends from HS since theyre all pretty depressed Especially Jude and Keylee and I don’t know what to do to help. And he basically just said to be there for them and continue to offer help, support, and encouragement. Even if it feels like it isn’t working, I never really know what’s going on in their heads and it could be making a difference. Lowkey, I was pretty afraid that Jude was going to kill herself and could not even begin coming to terms with that horrendous future. But I want to be there for her bc she means a lot to me and deserves the best. She’s led a pretty shitty life thus far just as a result of her mom and family life and it really breaks my hear whenever I see her view herself so poorly. But I hope that at the very least, I can continue to be there for her.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name, Amen.

P.S. I finished choreographing “My God is Powerful”! Or mostly at least. I want to film and watch how the moves flow with the song and then send that to Jenny. I was going to do that tonight but it’s already 12:14am now and I texted Michaela to see if she was a mistake so as to not disurb her and she never responded so she probably is. Hopefully I can wake up early tomorrow morning, do the dishes, and film the video. It’s unlikely but it’s what I’m hoping for.

#reflection

0 notes

secretariatbourgeoisophobe · 7 years

Text

i got myself tagged by @ilyatath and @fmlforeverwrites and its taken me so long to do this bc im trash but hye ho here i am!!!

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people. yeah im not even gonna get close to 20 people and i have a feeling that some of you have already done this but oh well @asharadaynes @tooextremeforlouisiana @aaron-burrsir @kreacherwrites @kryptxns @opalcscent @beccabec876 @mynameismelodypond and if any of y’all who ain’t tagged wanna do this then be my guest

the last

1. drink: strawberry and kiwi squash which honestly tastes a surprising amount like nondescript punch

2. phone call: i don’t make phone calls but i guess when my auntie called last week to check one of the boxes she was storing here??????

3. text message: last general message was to an rp partner this morning lmao bc i wanted to hurt her w ship inspo

4. song you listened to: lost boy by ruth b i think????

5. time you cried: months ago idk like it could legit be 2 or 18 months ago i have no idea

6. dated someone twice: u presume me to have dated someone once

7. kissed someone and regretted it: regret can be avoided if u never do the thing in the first place

8. been cheated on: u can’t get cheated on if u never dated in the first place

9. lost someone special: as long as ghosting on friends doesn’t count then this is a hard no

10. been depressed: yeaaaahhhhh the apathy’s still w me even outside of the severe episodes

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: surprisingly enough ive never actually reached this point before even beer olympics wasnt as dicey as id expected

3 favourite colours

12. dark reds (like burgundy, maroon or crimson)

13. black like my soul

14. idek black and red or my go to faves maybe dark purples/blues??????

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yeah yeah yeah going to america kinda meant i had to lmao

16. fallen out of love: im gonna say no but this is a massive probably

17. laughed until you cried: i dont think so????? but idk maybe

18. found out someone was talking about you: nah i dont think so im too boring to be talked about

19. met someone who changed you: im gonna say yeah, im probs gonna say this a lot but going to america was hella good and it was p hard not to be changed by all the stuff over there

20. found out who your friends are: sorta yes sorta no idk let me be a cryptid in peace

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: i. have. never. been. kissed.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them i think idk i should probs clear some of those dicks out

23. do you have any pets: unfortunately no but i want a fucking cat when im older

24. do you want to change your name: not really nah. it’s basic but its mine and i kinda like it but if u use the wrong form of my name for our friendship level then i will feel uncomfy

25. what did you do for your last birthday: packed up all my shit then chilled w my friends and played mario kart

26. what time did you wake up: around 9 i think???? i dont do well w remembering shit

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: im p sure i was sorting out my inventory in da:i, idk i was deffo doing inquisition shit then

28. name something you can’t wait for: the last jedi to come out. gimme fucking force sensitive finn!!! make jedistormpilot canon u cowards!!!!!

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: an hour or so ago. she’s around and hovering and i just want her to go

31. what are you listening to right now: the goldbergs is on in the background rn but im not actively paying attention

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i mean it felt like there were three dozen different toms back at school so yeah

33. something that is getting on your nerves: my parent’s constantly hanging around, the dread thought that my sister is coming home in around an week and i will get no peace

34. most visited website: this blue hellsite

35. hair colour: brown

36. long or short hair: it’s kinda long but it really doesn’t look like it lmao

37. do you have a crush on someone: not really?????? idk emotions are weird fucking things

38. what do you like about yourself: i mean i tend to refuse to back down on most things so i guess dedication is a way to make that sound positive??????

39. piercings: honestly i dont think i could ever get a piercing they weird me out for myself they say as they have a tattoo and are planning like half a dozen more

40. blood type: o+ which i guess is a pretty versatile type

41. nickname: no-one actually calls me this but my fave for me would just be d. the single letter by itself. and it absolutely has to be in lowercase people do also often call me dan and sometimes danny but none of them are at the right friend level and it is a Bad

42. relationship status: single as a pringle for 20 solitary years

43. zodiac: taurus. i was also born in the year of the ox so rip anyone who tries to argue w me

44. pronouns: they/them pls n thnx

45. favourite tv show: i watch like a million different shows and they are all trash but rn my fave is probs coach trip and i hate that most u have never seen it and dont know how much fun it is

46. tattoos: i got a geometric heart on my chest and im planning so many more pls message me about it so i can gush about it to someone

47. right or left handed: right like any good god-fearing person who is not influenced by the devil and witchcraft

48. surgery: ive never had surgery myself and i hope i never will (unless it’s for organ donation)

50. sport: i row, not well but to a vaguely competitive standard and i enjoy it even though my hands are llike permanently callused now

51. vacation: my last one was to boston for a week after the academic year ended but going to mexico over easter was gr9 too

52. pair of trainers: if we’re talking actual proper trainers then ive only got one pair from decathlon but i do have some hella nice vans which i got for p cheap

GENERAL

53. eating: food is good. and not to be stereotypical but chicken is the best. esp rice and peas and chicken. also carbs. there is no such things as too much carbs. the media is lying to you

54. drinking: rum. it might be a bad thing that my first thought was to go to alcohol but idc im a mess

55. I’m about to: idk probs play some more inquisition

56. waiting for: my motivation to return from the war?????? to finish studying so i can move out of my parents’ house and steadily become the family’s queer cryptid

57. want: my parents to shut up and leave me alone. not gonna happen tho

58. get married: yes ofc i do im a fucking romantic mess bicth lemme indulge my fantasies

59. career: philosopher lmao. i get paid to sit around and bullshit all day what could be better

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: ofc hugs are better lmao they’re just like !!!!! hug me all day idc

61. lips or eyes: eyes ofc, eyes are soft and pure. gimme those fucking eyes

62. shorter or taller: honestly i love me a good height difference either way but like ideally she’d be taller but im like 6′0 on a good day and i have to keep reminding myself that’s kinda tol so taller is unlikely rip me

63. older or younger: idgaf tbh but im amongst the youngest most of the places i go so younger would be nice i guess lmao

64. nice arms or nice stomach: umm idk both are nice and give good #aesthetics but i gotta agree w ilyatath and say goodlegs are the best plus good legs basically ensure a good ass

65. hookup or relationship: i told u im a fucking romantic gimme them sweet ass relationships. make me know that im special and important to u

66. troublemaker or hesitant: honestly hesitant but if my friends are causing trouble bet ur ass imma be there tagging along

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: im p sure y’all can guess the answer to this by now lmao

68. drank hard liquor: it’s not a real drink unless there’s liquor in it

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: one time i lost a pair of glasses the same day i got them

70. turned someone down: nah this has never happened to me

71. sex on the first date: ive never kissed someone, what else do u think i haven’t done.......

73. had your heart broken: yeah no this hasn’t happened. not properly anyway. like i said, feelings are weird

74. been arrested: it’s not a crime if u dont get caught

75. cried when someone died: nah ive never been close enough to anyone i knew who died

76. fallen for a friend: sorta yes sorta no im weird feelings are odd and my life is a mess

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: i wanna say yes but kinda no my self confidence also needs to return from war

78. miracles: i wanna say i do but im not sure the universe is a fundamentaly chaotic system so i guess weird shit deffo could happen

79. love at first sight: i think some people can get it but i doubt for me and most people will probs have to work for it

80. santa claus: nah that man’s a scam

81. kiss on the first date: if u wanna kiss on the first date then fucking do it!!!!! dont let life hold u back!! dont let ur dreams be memes!!!!! u take their face anfd fucking kiss it!!!!

82. angels: eeehhhhhhhhh probs not

OTHER:

84. eye colour: brown. kinda darker brown than my hair but still brown

85. favourite movie: Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) directed by Joe Russo and Anthony Russo

#text #they speak #my life #fuck this took longer than i was expecting #but here it is #marvel at the mess that is my life #food tw #alcohol tw

0 notes