so many stories about the sadness and tragedy of unrequited romantic and sexual feelings, not enough about unrequited feelings being kinda fun. like it would be nice if this person wanted to have sex with me but it's also nice to just be overwhelmed by how pretty they are three times a day and to get excited about meaningless conversations.

top 5 plays? (shakespeare, not shakespeare, or combined lists would all be interesting...however you're inclined)

this question has been sitting in my inbox for a very long time just bc i dont really know how to answer it but if i had to be truly honest and just go with my heart and my gut i would say king lear, othello, plano by will arbery, the moors by jen silverman, and macbeth

I think I could do really well at this whole life thing if it was a series of unconnected events which I had to maximize my performance at. for example I have to do my last final exam this evening despite feeling sick and tired, so I've spent all day studying and also planning the perfect way to time caffeine + ibuprofen + food + water in order to be at my best during the exam but also not have to use the bathroom during it in case I need the time. it's been great it's like I'm min-maxing for a boss fight in a video game. but unfortunately in most scenarios you have to balance many many things and, worst of all, make judgements about what's more important based on feelings and little data.

just saw two posts in a row on the dash about the horrors of being 19 and although I sympathize with those reblogging it, tbh this is the best year I’ve had in a long time. since pre-2020, probably, or maybe even since before high school. and since I like who I am now well enough that I would not want to go back to being my childhood self, though I remember her with fondness, in some ways it feels true to say that this is the best part of my life yet.

GOING TO LOOK UP PICTURES OF COLORFUL BUGS AND DRAW THEM GOING TO LISTEN TO A PODCAST THAT MAKES ME FEEL STRONG EMOTIONS UNRELATED TO MY ACTUAL LIFE NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF DEATH

feeling very fond and grateful towards the fandom people and the tumblr bloggers and all the other internet posters with whom I share weird online communities which have improved my life in many ways, probably worsened it in others, and which overall have shaped how I've grown and experienced life as a human being

good news I’m making a lot of progress in getting rid of my superiority complex and realizing I’m not fundamentally special and am very unlikely to have a large impact on the world. bad news oh my god I’m not special and my existence isn’t going to have a significant impact on the world—how am I supposed to handle knowing this for the rest of my life?

I would like to be some sort of bird or rat lovingly given intellectually stimulating enrichment activities by my owner...all the benefits of intelligence (puzzles and learning and rewards) but without the knowledge of the overwhelming amount of suffering in the world...

I'm pretty sure the things that are wrong with my brain tend to make me less interesting instead of more interesting, which is kind of annoying, but at least it provides me good motivation to become "mentally healthy" or whatever

a thing I've been trying out is acting because of my emotions and what I've learned about them (oh, this usually makes me happier, I'll do this; that usually makes me miserable, I'll avoid that), but not necessarily acting on my emotions. sometimes I'm sad and lonely and I need to pay attention to that to avoid it happening in the future, but I also need to ignore the parts of those feelings which make me want to never leave my room. not a particularly novel idea, but it's a mantra that's easy to return to.

rereading something I wrote in january 2020 in which I described myself as "mentally stable" (mostly in comparison to my mental state earlier in high school). god, covid-19 fucked everything up. I think my life's finally getting better, but man... there is no time between march 2020 and now when I would have confidently described myself that way, and I didn't realize how sudden the change was.

getting mentally healthier can be really weird sometimes. I keep finding myself in situations where I know I would have been second-guessing my every move just a year ago, but I now only have this vague awareness that I could be anxious right now, but I don't need to be.

it's a good thing, don't get me wrong, and it's sometimes a nice reminder that therapy and stuff has been working for me! just sometimes I need to remind myself that's it's ok that I'm changing, and even if "confident" goes against the self-image I've had for most of my life, that doesn't mean I'm somehow betraying my inner self by not being embarrassed in routine interactions.

fucking hate most menstrual cup companies. the idea of a menstrual cup is great, but their marketing is all based around "absolutely everyone can use these!!" and "this is so easy to put in your vagina!!! easier than a tampon even!" I felt like a failure and like something was wrong with me for completely being unable to use one, until I went to the ob-gyn and she was like "oh yeah, that's not surprising at all. a lot of people can't use those. definitely at least practice using a tampon first and try this and that..."

cried in the bank today because I forgot my social security number. I'm going to be such a functional adult in (checks watch) less than a year.