#in the meantime im just gonna focus on experiencing depression. and have a nap about it. wish me luck shdhdf | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arthur-r · 7 months

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also this song is hitting me in the face so bad right now i’m not used to wanting sexual autonomy that’s a new college experience and this song is ringing in my ears about it

#tell me baby baby do i walk like a boy do i speak like a boy do i stand like a boy sorry babe you keep asking #do i kiss like a boy should i spit like a boy may i fuck other boys????#idk. feels like disability and transness are trying to take me away from myself. and it’s a weird like #this is not a dilemma i’ve really had in the past?? like i was pretty happy with being infantilized and de-sexed #(that’s a lie it still feels bad shdhdf) but like i don’t know like i’ve never been LOOKING for attention like that but now it’s like #i dont know. like now im receiving it and i want it but it feels wrong #like i’m an attractive girl or like i’m a tragedy to be rescued and held close or like i’m a piece of fucking meat #depending who i am talking to. i just want to take the reins back i want to be the person who defines myself????#have never felt as strongly that i want to be a gay man. but im just being compartmentalized and it makes me uncomfortable #anyway i want to feel strong and competent. and soft and kind but i want to be a fucking man about it you know????#i want to be myself without that making me into a woman in other peoples minds. and i’m really struggling with that #straight men being into me = not fun. the gay guy who liked me was creepy and the bisexual guy im hanging out with worries me slightly #but that’s not his fault you know?? but like i felt so much more secure when i thought he was gay because now i can’t escape the idea that #he likes me in the way he likes women. and that’s internalized transphobia that’s externalizing into biphobia like it’s really not good #but it is. scary and weird. idk i kind of just want to go back and back up and save all of this for after midterms shdhdhf #i dont know. i’m gonna go to sleep for real now but the point is this is a good song and it’s the struggle i’m having right now #and it’s what i was feeling during my flare-up last week that made me feel so broken and disconnected from myself and my sexuality #i dont know. i really like the first guy and we should hangout later. i’m gonna have a nap and figure out later what i’m doing today #but yeah everything is just weird. my flesh to jail my soul i just feel like i could fall!!!!#in the meantime im just gonna focus on experiencing depression. and have a nap about it. wish me luck shdhdf #me. my post. mine.#delete later #friends only #nsfw-ish #????#ask to tag #vent cw #(sort of. just feeling weird)

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