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mmriesoftvat · 10 months

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(tw for unreality, i think it's called? also tw for vague suicidal thoughts, and drugs.)

kami had heard stories that anesthesia can induce dreams of some kind, perhaps in the imaginative minds of little kids, or perhaps there's some strain that allows for people to dream, even if they don't remember it. so how are sleeping pills going to prevent that from happening too? kami could easily tell everyone that the medication did the trick. they'd all be happy he finally slept. it's what he wants too, so everyone wins.

but the truth is, kami isn't sure there's a drug in the world that could actually induce a dreamless sleep so profound. dreams tend to happen when one is unconscious, the mind tends to work in hilarious ways.

this time, it was everyone turning against him. kami can recall vividly the hateful expressions on their faces, the venom in their words as they told him in no uncertain circumstances is he allowed anywhere near the family. he can still hear ren's voice in his mind, telling him that he's only going to drag everyone down.

niwa had been the most hurtful. in kami's nightmare, niwa had started off nice, but the situation had somehow twisted to blaming kami for whatever devastation had befallen him. and of course, at niwa's feet was a very dead katelyn, that kami was also responsible for. somehow.

he'd jerked awake again when he'd been rushed with a sword. and right now, kami is shaken, terrified. cracking a joke in the chatroom hadn't done anything to lessen this new bout of terror. because kami still can't tell what's real and what isn't. pinching his arm hasn't worked anymore; that pain stopped being effective the first time he was locked up when katelyn was on the loose.

and it had felt like a prison, regardless of what anyone said. it had felt like katelyn was the jailer and his loved ones were the extra wardens. this feels very similar to that, except this time, kami is certain his own brain is working against him to keep him in some warped state where everything feels like a dream.

had he really lost his mind over this entire situation? or is he just that messed up, mentally? sitting up (an action that feels almost entirely too easy right now), kami takes stock of the living room. nothing seems out of place, nothing is changed around or shifted. it's exactly how an apartment sized living room should look. how his has always looked.

except...

everything feels out of place.

kami can't tell what's different. some shadows seem to run a little darker than others. maybe the couch is shifted an inch to the left. something feels wrong, he knows it. it's hard to pinpoint what that might be, and it's even harder to get the words out. he could turn to his journal, maybe he could jot more of this thoughts down.

but that had only been so effective the first time. kami can't even tell what his thoughts are. they're all a jumbled mess of love versus trust, hate versus love, and 'am-i-awake-or-dreaming that seems to be the main focus of his fucked up brain right now.

sure, he could be in some deep sleep or coma right now, dreaming about a potential happy life where he's reunited with family and making amends. but nothing had ever come so easily before. his entire life had been hard as hell, there's no reason that should change either.

so maybe none of this is a dream. maybe he really had changed his life around. maybe kami's life had finally improved. he really had gained friends and family and was in a much better place than he'd been years ago.

or maybe his mind still wishes he could hear all those things in reality. his life probably still is on the brink of self destruction, and in his last moments he's conjuring up what he wants to hear most from those he loves. it would be like that. kami had always been resentful and bitter and desperate and lonely. of course this current reality would be more of the same.

looking down at himself, kami decides his current clothes are fine. there's nothing stopping him from going on a short walk. chongyun and cyno won't notice, and he'll only be gone ten minutes. he just needs to clear his head before the walls completely close in on him.

slipping out the front door, kami stands there for a moment. this is the part where people usually wake up from a dream-within-a-dream. this is usually the part where the subconscious meets the conscious and the two collide back into each other, causing them to jolt back to their actual reality.

that's not happening now. kami could go jump in front of a car to spur that, he could go ask niwa for help, but he can already see the distressed expression on niwa's face at that question. and after that nightmare, kami isn't sure he wants to face anyone.

heading back inside, kami grabs his pipe instead. whatever. he'll probably wake up later, if he's not already awake now.

he can't tell anymore.

#( DRABBLES. )#( SELF | KAMINARI. )#( IC. )#( V. MODERN. )#suicidal thoughts tw #unreality tw #drugs tw #or blurring dreams and reality #boy's mental state is eroding

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miazeklos · 3 years

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I think I know what fic you're talking about in that post and can I just say thank you for it? I'm so tired of post-canon stories where Sansa spends the entire thing in some sort of groveling apology for all of her unidentified sins, as if Jon doesn't know who she is and doesn't accept it completely. Between them and the people who want her to be an uwu sweet forgiving girl despite everything because ThE BoOkS and let everyone keep walking over her, I get no rest.

Honestly, Anon, thank you. ;D I too am tired of those. She doesn't really have anything to apologise for? Jon isn't even mad at her lol. And even if he was, it wouldn't make her somehow guilty.

Like, not to go on a rant, but people act as if he has no idea that Sansa wants him on the Iron Throne just because Dany spells it out for him and tells him his sister has 'changed' but IMO the two of them only developed any real substantial dynamic after they reunited at Castle Black, so Jon only really knows Sansa post-everything that's happened to her and he doesn't mind it at all. I hesitate to use this specific wording but, Jon knew exactly who she was and loved her anyway. She was no longer who she was before they were separated (and people mad about it can miss me with the 'trauma doesn't define you' refrain because sadly, it very often does) and he knew her better now than he did before. He didn't need to be told this; he knew what to expect from her.

Even her telling his secret is twisted into this careless pointless thing as if she didn't only tell one (1) person after she assessed that Tyrion was literally scared of the ruler he's supposed to be following and at this point isn't really that on board with Dany's entire situation because she's definitely going to kill what's left of his family this time, so she used the opportunity to sway him in Jon's direction if she could and was still visibly torn up about it. Again, I don't remember Jon being at any point surprised that she did this, even when Dany told him that it was a move against her rather than a move in his favour.

Also you didn't hear it here but the people criticising her for all that and the people who supposedly love her book characterisation and are concern troll mad about how the show ~ruined her are the same people, haha. Okay, she's like that in the books, but she's also a kid in a terrible position where her life depends on an abusive 'carer' who doesn't give her a moment to breathe. She won't be that kid forever, and I sincerely hope she grows to be the Sansa from the show. The only thing I can imagine being improved upon is reading about her cutting his throat herself instead.

And I mean, as someone who ships both, uh, most popular Jon oriented ships (and interacted with both 'sides' before half the Targ fandom blocked me for Cersei stan crimes), I've seen what the people who don't like Sansa very much have to say and it's very obvious that they're only saying it because they just genuinely want her to be more irrelevant in the books than she is on the show. Sure, she can survive but she doesn't matter that much and she'll just stay Lady in the Vale and she's not that connected to the North, really guys, she's never going to be Queen there or anywhere. I don't hate her tho, promise. She's just ~not that crucial to the plot~. And I was always like, all right, if you're so sure, why are you this pressed about it?

(I know the answer and it has nothing to do with her being Queen in the North and everything to do with the specifics around why Jon finally agreed to kill Dany, but they'd die before admitting it, so let's not go there at this time.)

I honestly just think she's a very fun character to write because she does what she has to be done and isn't faulted for it in-universe. Like, the fic in question was inspired precisely by the fact that it was revealed that at the end she's apologising to Jon not for spilling the Targaryen beans, but for not keeping him on the Throne and I thought that was absolutely stellar because their conversation is basically just, 'Hey, sorry I couldn't make you King of the Seven Kingdoms' 'That's okay, at least the North has you!' as if their brother, who is now king, isn't right next to them the entire time like guys? Hello?

Anyway, yeah. I said I wouldn't rant and ended up ranting but bottom line: not only does Sansa have nothing to apologise for; no one in the narrative expected her to apologise for anything, and I think that's great.

#Sansa Stark #meta #I guess #fanfic #got #asks

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