#imagine my delight at an ask inviting me to talk about clover and ts
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I've totally thought of anti-hero as a Clover song! (and a Julien song to a lesser extent) Another good lyric for Clover in general is "I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on the hill" which fits how her sister invites comparison from clover's boyfriends. and clover feeling monstrous & isolated when fat, also relevant
as you point out Clover is VERY prone to lying to herself and living in denial. at the same time, Clover's also one to self-blame and catastrophize when things finally break. she's too proud and fearful to say any of these lyrics out loud, but they capture her self-punishing approach to guilt and imperfections.
The song is half self-aware, half low self-esteem. The harshest thoughts we have about ourselves are not the only source of info. especially when there's so much stuff in canon and in your fic that are beyond Clover's control. And moments of her weakness have been influenced or even preyed on by others' choices too.
She's advised by her most precious mentor (Rose) to marry this guy, because rose believes clover should be like her. This puts Clover in a bind when the kingdom turns on her for leaving them, because she has to choose between two opposing (and valued) peer pressures. It's no shock the values she was raised on won out, but no wonder she's in so much conflict about these competing desires and fears. a huge theme for Julien too
back to the song:
"When my depression works the graveyard shift, all the people I've ghosted stand there in the room" fits the dilemma Clover faces after leaving her people!! it did not bring her the peace she was looking for.
"I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I'll watch as you're leaving" literally describes when Clover woke up screaming from that cruel nightmare jarsh sent to her in the cult arc.
"and life will lose all its meaning for the last time" fits how she lost Rose; she already knows what it's like to lose everything. if she lost Julien et al, it would not just be bad, it would be history nightmarishly repeating itself.
Clover's helplessness and powerlessness when Rose died is core to why she even wants power. It's not bad to want power, or even be power-hungry (it has positives and negatives). The reason she keeps circling back to it though, is that even after learning that being a hero isn't about physical strength, she still knows exactly what it's like to be powerless, and what the horrible consequences are. Experience has been a powerful and painful teacher!
I think it makes sense psychologically that Clover fears everyone's deaths so badly that she'd actually run away from protecting them. (Julien does this too in exiled.) There's a difference between knowing something is important vs realizing it has the power to destroy you. before koto she is protective and dedicated, but after, she feels a sudden impulsive need to completely detach. it's self-preservation but it's also self-destructive
'pierced through the heart but never killed' -> clover in a nutshell, especially after the finale
#imagine my delight at an ask inviting me to talk about clover and ts#a 'BOY DO I!' moment#replies#amaltheafan#supporting clover's rights and wrongs#long post#lemur madness monday#i will pepper in a little bit of my clover-and-julien-are-mirrors agenda as well#@ clover: girl on god we are getting you from anti-hero to labyrinth and then paris
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