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sytco · 3 years

Text

common blessings [joochan]

pairing: childhood friend!hong joochan x reader

word count: 3.5k (!)

requested: "toothrotting fluff ft. joochan"

dedicated to @sahiflowers.

a/n: im SO SO sorry this took so long and i hope u like it even a little and that it makes u smile thank u for being so patient ily!! ily!!! reminder im always here for u!!

In which you find that time is meaningless when Joochan is not by your side.

wonderboy.

Sometimes, you speculate whether Joochan has some kind of genius for finding you as soon as the school bell rings, signalling the end of another day.

Today, he surprises you behind the auditorium where you lean against a maple tree, hugging your bag to your chest, because you’ve skipped your last period (Introduction to Psychology) in favor of lying on the grass so you can watch the clouds in peace. And Joochan smiles a fond, fond smile because you have that look on your face again that you only get when you’re lost in thought.

“Missed me?”

You tense from shock before relaxing at the sight of your boyfriend who widens his arms so you can walk right into them.

“How’d you find me?” Your voice is muffled in the fabric of his vest and Joochan reaches up so he can play with the back of your collar.

“Just had a little hunch you might be here.” And this is the answer he always gives, accompanied with the same smug smile each time.

You pout even if Joochan can’t see it. “That doesn’t explain anything.”

“Well now,” he says in an affected voice that sounds like the narrator from that National Geographic documentary on penguins the two of you watched last week, “I can’t afford to have you getting your hands on all my secrets, can I? I’ve got to keep some things to myself so that in ten year's time, you’ll still think I’m the most amazing and magical boy in the universe.”

It’s ridiculous, you think, how it’s nearly winter but the way you can feel the laughter that starts in his chest and electrifies you to your fingertips is more than capable of keeping you warm and making you feel like you’re really alive.

“Doesn’t matter if I find out all your secrets or not,” you mumble, “you’ll always be the most amazing and magical boy in the universe to me.”

From the courtyard around the corner, you can hear Jaehyun shouting a loud “Oi Joochan!”.

Joochan ignores him and instead casually pecks your cheek with a kiss that feels like a blessing. “Always?”

You tilt your head as though unsure. "Well… for at least fifty years, probably.”

“Fifty?!” Joochan echoes in mock outrage, and you playfully poke his side to which he flinches slightly.

“I was lying. I meant for all of time ever.”

And despite him doing his best to hide it, your boyfriend melts instantly, burying his face in the crook of your neck where he’s probably smiling his brilliant smile that feels like the sun against your skin.

Jaehyun’s voice interrupts the peace and quiet once again with a noticeably louder and more panicked tone.

“Hong Joochan! We’re going to be late for soccer practice!”

Joochan groans exaggeratedly and you can’t help but giggle at his theatrics. “Wish I didn’t have to go to stupid practice,” he grumbles.

“You know, I’ll wait for you in the library until you’re done,” you offer and Joochan perks up - if only slightly because your arms still feel like heaven after years of loving you, and two hours of kicking a ball around (while Donghyun and Jibeom brainstorm inventive ways to trip each other up, much to Coach Lee’s chagrin) just can’t compete. He tells you as much in the way his arms tighten around you.

“You’re the best,” Joochan declares suddenly, “I might be the most amazing and magical boy in the universe, but you’re the best.”

You snort. “Go to practice already before Jaehyun starts going spare, wonderboy.”

Joochan kisses your forehead one last time before he detaches himself from you with a dejected sigh and picks up your bag, slinging it over his shoulder despite your protests. “Walk with me to the oval?”

You slip your hand into his hand only to find it a perfect fit and wonder briefly if there is anywhere in this world you would not walk to with Hong Joochan, the boy who has a smile like sunlight and a personality like a billion shooting stars.

“Of course.”

fm.

There is the occasional moment in which you wish that your boyfriend wasn’t so exceedingly talented in nearly every field he tries his hand at, because the various extracurriculars that Joochan (being the naturally energetic and enthusiastic person he is) involves himself with have an awful way of making tremendous demands on his time towards the end of the semester.

Right now is one of those moments when Joochan trudges into your room and dives face first onto your bed without even bothering to shake his coat off. “So what was it today?” you ask in a voice that betrays your concern and Joochan can’t help but smile at it.

“Theatre rehearsal,” he yawns, “then string quartet practice. Also an hour of soccer drills with some of the boys. Even though it’s a Saturday.”

You get up from your chair at the desk so you can sit on the bed where Joochan immediately moves his head onto your lap, lifting your hand and resting it on his hair. You absentmindedly start stroking it, staring out the window at a soft grey sky.

“Did you eat?”

Joochan shakes his head. “No time. My dumb E string broke again so I barely managed to have half an apple before we went straight into a new Mozart piece today. Think we might perform it at the next concert. You’d come, right?” And he asks that in a self-assured tone, because he already knows what your answer is going to be.

You give it to him anyway because there’s no point in hiding your blatant admiration for all that he does. “No matter what.”

“And just to see me, right?”

You fake a pause that has Joochan peering up at you suspiciously.

“You do know I have friends who aren’t you that are participating in the concert, right? Like Jangjun and Sungyoon?”

Joochan scowls. “But none of those hooligans are your boyfriend, who - in case you forgot but I do know you’d never - is me.”

“That’s quite true,” you concede before leaning down to kiss his cheek with a smile that makes Joochan’s stomach fill with butterflies which are probably colored pink and green and blue. It never gets old, he thinks: your talent for turning his world upside down in a look or a word or an action. And you don’t even know you’re doing it most of the time.

“Mean,” he accuses but in a half-hearted manner and your smile only widens because you know that Joochan is supremely happy despite his exhaustion, if the way his brow has smoothed completely and he has started drawing little stars on your knee is anything to go by.

There’s a gentle lull in the conversation while you continue to run your fingers through Joochan’s hair, and especially his fringe. It’s almost as though time has passed you by, leaving you together in your own little reality where things like hazy futures and big concerts and broken violin strings do not dare draw near.

“Wanna order something later on for dinner?” you ask quietly.

“Maybe,” he grins through closed eyes, “but nap first.”

Your radio continues to run, and you drift in and out of listening to the DJ duo while watching the rain finally fall outside.

“It’s been pretty cold recently, hasn’t it?” one of the DJs opens the conversation after a small stream of ads.

“Sure has, pal. And speaking of the cold, apparently our first snow of the season is scheduled for next week Friday!”

“So do you have any plans lined up with a special someone?”

“Just had to remind me of how single I am, didn’t you”- rambunctious peals of laughter crackle from the speakers - “but maybe some of our lovely listeners will send in their plans for next Friday.”

“I sure did - and wow, they’re already pouring in! Do you wanna read one out?”

“Let’s see… Listener ha_miii_ran says: ‘I’m planning on confessing to my crush of two years. I’m pretty nervous about this so I’m hoping the two of you will wish me luck!’ All the best of luck to you, Ha Miran-nim, from the both of us. I don’t know how you’re planning on it, but hopefully the first snow will act as a good luck charm for you!”

“Yeah, good luck Ha Miran-nim!” the other DJ chimes in. “Be sure to update us on how it goes!”

“Well, we’ll be back with some more stories after this excerpt from a famous piano concerto - maybe some of our more classically-inclined audience will recognise its globally renowned composer.”

A beautiful melody begins to play and you’re on the cusp of losing yourself in the music when you are most abruptly interrupted by a sleepy, but decisive, “Gershwin.”

You blink down at Joochan. “What?”

“It’s Gershwin. The composer. Don't you think your boyfriend's clever for knowing that?"

“I thought my boyfriend was asleep, actually,” and you narrow your eyes.

“I was,” Joochan protests, “I only woke up when they were talking about the snow or something. And then they talked about that person who’s confessing to their crush of two years - got me thinking about how I can relate because I vividly remember having a crush on you for at least three before I could muster up the courage to confess. Which ended up working out for the best, you know,” he adds in a thoughtful tone, “but sometimes I’d get so nervous just thinking about it that I couldn’t sleep at all. Anyways, I’m really hungry now, so can we order something soon please?”

Maybe it’s the way he so nonchalantly wears his heart for you on his sleeve, or maybe it’s the way he looks at you as though you have strung the Milky Way itself together and made a gift of it to him. Maybe it’s the way you simply realize that you might not be able to live with yourself if you were to lose your boyfriend, ever. But for whatever reason it is, a thousand smiles bloom in your heart and you lean down to give Joochan a kiss that hopefully tastes like everything you cannot possibly put into words.

“Anything you want,” you whisper, and Joochan draws a heart on your knee in response.

enchanted.

You’re outside the auditorium again but in front of it, this time, and not behind. The post-concert hubbub has died down, mostly owing to the fact that much of the audience has left already whether it’s to a late congratulatory supper or down to the boardwalk where fireworks are scheduled to go off at midnight. The bouquet of lily of the valleys in your hand trembles slightly as you use your other hand to fumble around for your ringing phone.

“Hello?”

“You’re waiting outside, right?” Joochan asks.

“Yeah, I am.”

“See, Donghyun, I told you I was right about - wait. Wait! Don't move!”

And then you have less than two seconds to process exactly what is happening before your boyfriend catches you up in a running embrace that sends the world spinning in a flurry of snow and stars and kisses that Joochan plants all over your cheeks. He remains blissfully unaware that somewhere in the vicinity, Donghyun has started making gagging sounds at your very public display of affection, punctuated by Jaehyun’s giggling. (You pay them no mind.)

“Did you enjoy the concert?” he asks, fond expectation twinkling in his eyes.

You nod too much. “You were incredible,” you tell him honestly, and Joochan beams.

“I was, wasn’t I?” he says in a satisfied voice as he pulls you closer. “Guess all those hours of practice paid off.”

“It’s almost like that’s the whole point of practicing,” you tease.

“It’s lucky you’re cute and I’m hopelessly in love with you,” Joochan crinkles his nose in contrived distaste for your little jab before hugging you again so he can hear you whisper just how proud you are of him, right into his ear.

And the two of you stay like that for a little before you remember the gift you brought with you.

“For me?” And the look in his eyes reminds you of how he looked at you when you first told him that you loved him too - or maybe of every time you’ve told him that you love him too.

“Who else?”

He snaps up the bouquet, pressing it against his nose and inhaling deeply with a smile. "This is a nice surprise."

"They mean 'return to happiness'," you say, gently touching a little white bloom that looks like a star against the backdrop of Joochan's black school blazer. "Thought it was cute. And the florist was sold out of roses anyway."

Joochan laughs with the warmth of a thousand sunbeams and puts your hand in his so he can start gently tugging you away.

“But your violin”- you begin protesting.

“But nothing,” he shushes you as the school gets smaller and smaller behind you in the distance. “I don’t even want to see that thing for a week. Hey, and guess what - I found a secret place for just you and me so we can watch the fireworks without being pressed up against everyone else like sardines in a tin can.”

“You and I are going to watch the fireworks?” you echo, surprise colouring your voice.

Joochan’s exhale turns into a giggle. “Who else?” And you dig an elbow into his side, hiding a smile at his antics.

The two of you stroll down quiet streets and you lean into your boyfriend’s comforting warmth. Most shops are closed with the exception of some fast food chains and convenience stores, but you notice almost none of them now as Joochan picks up the pace, his excitement bleeding into the quiet song he sings that floats up in the air and is lost somewhere in the stars above.

“Here we are,” says Joochan proudly and he helps you up into the little gazebo at the top of the hill you hadn’t realized you were climbing. “Take this,” he adds as he tosses you a torch that brightly illuminates the space you’re in as soon as you switch it on. You turn to the rustling sounds on your left, finally seeing the wooden bench that Joochan is busy spreading a rug over.

“You planned this beforehand?” And there’s a note of wonder in your voice - the same kind that only Joochan ever seems to be able to evoke. “I thought we were going straight home.”

He gestures for you to sit next to him with a charming smile and you do so immediately. “Told you I can’t give up all the secrecy. Not yet.” Or, he thinks privately to himself, not when you look at him like that.

The golden light from the torch casts long shadows over the grass and gives Joochan’s face a nearly ethereal glow that reminds you of summer sunsets despite the cold. You slip into a soft and easy silence - one that comes from memories built upon memories, resulting in a code made up of gazes and touch that only the two of you will ever understand. And so when he squeezes your hand gently, you instantly open your arms for him to sink right into.

There’s only a few minutes left until midnight when you finally speak.

“Joochan,” you murmur.

“Mm?”

“You ever think about where we’ll be this time next year?”

Joochan shifts his posture slightly. “Often, actually. Especially when I go to sleep at night and think about tomorrow - then I’ll wonder if it’ll even remotely go the way I want it to.”

“And how do you usually want it to go?” you ask.

“Someone has a lot of questions today,” Joochan remarks with a droll look on his face that makes you laugh briefly before his expression sobers. “But usually I want it to go safely. You know? Everything in its proper place and things like that. And more importantly, I want to know all the time that I’ll be able to see you.”

You’re silent for a moment, looking out over the view of the city. If you squint, you can just make out the boardwalk by the beach and the crowds of people who have gathered there, young and old alike. “I’m scared sometimes.”

Joochan frowns. “Scared of what? I’ll fight it off for you,” and he waves a threatening fist at nothing in particular.

“The future, I guess. It sounds silly but… sometimes I don’t know if we’ll always be okay. Like this, the way things are right now. Whether it’s tomorrow or next year or even after that.” Your voice fades in volume until it’s nearly lost against the threads of your scarf, and Joochan’s heart breaks a little when he hears it: the genuine uncertainty and timid fear that seeps past the smile you give him in an effort to hide it.

“Why do you think we might not be okay?”

You look down at your feet, almost embarrassed by your own honesty. “Well, people… change, Joo. They move places, and have goals to achieve and dreams to chase down. And we’re not immune to that either.”

It’s Joochan’s turn to be silent for a bit as he mulls over your words before he straightens in your hold, turning his face towards you so he can affectionately bump his nose against yours. ��You’re right,” he says in a voice that mirrors your sadness, “and it would be a lie to say I don’t think about the same things you do. But”- and he leans in to give you a quick kiss that’s shaped like a smile - “it’d also be a lie to say that every dream doesn’t feature you in it. Because every dream of mine that I’ve ever had places you centre stage.”

He kisses you again, a little longer - a little more wistfully.

“You see, the real problem here is that you have me perpetually thinking that I can’t do any of this without you,” he says simply. “Whether it’s late night phone calls or early morning messages; or maybe we’ll find ourselves having to book flights for each other, holding bags full of gifts that remind us of us. And maybe it’ll be hard and maybe I’ll wake up some days, knowing I won’t be able to see you. But that doesn’t mean we won’t be okay.”

You swallow and Joochan watches you carefully, the urgency in his eyes prompting him to lift your chin so you can see it too.

“Even if we change,” he continues in a whisper, hoping you will understand the heart in his words. “And we should. And we will, and we’ll still be okay. You believe me, don’t you? Seeing as I’m the most amazing and magical boy in the universe?”

Somewhere, midnight comes and goes and the fireworks start, dousing you and Joochan in bursts of coloured light.

“Of course I do,” you smile with eyes that glitter with tears of relief and he pulls you into a tight hug, so tight you can feel every movement of his rib cage as he breathes in and out.

For once, you do not feel that fear deep down that threatens to taint your time with the only boy you think you cannot live without. And so you unreservedly hold him in return, fingers running through his hair as he tells you that he loves you, over and over again.

up, up and away.

There had been a time during your childhood when your one greatest wish had been to go see the stars.

So your friend Joochan, in all his clumsy sincerity, had done his best to make you a rocket out of a box he’d found at home. He’d then brought it to your house after he’d finished it, blue marker staining his fingertips and glitter shaped like stars lost in his thick fringe.

The two of you had sat in it together and looked up at the moon, holding hands from childish innocence and recounting thrilling tales of adventures you’d never had. And before having to go home to bed that day, he’d made you a promise that present-day Joochan complains about not being able to fulfill.

“I know I said I’d take you to the stars,” Joochan sighs in displeasure from where he lies on your bed, right next to you, “but while your boyfriend is exceptionally talented, you do know I’m no astronaut, right?”

You hold his hand in response and look into his eyes that sparkle with mirth and deeper in, shine with a love that always gives you peace.

It may be that Joochan will never be able to keep his promise of taking you to space in a real, functioning rocket. But, as you drop a kiss on his mouth that soon widens into a brilliant smile, you can’t find it in yourself to really care.

After all, it’s hard to miss the stars when for you, they all start with Joochan and end with him.

if u liked this please consider dropping a like and reblogging with ur thoughts because feedback is!! always appreciated thank you!!!

#SCREAMS IT'S FINALLY DONE WITH I'M FINALLY FINISHED #golden child #golden child scenarios #golden child imagines #hong joochan #golden child hong joochan #golden child joochan #joochan #ju writes #gncd #golcha #im now off to go cry. or nap. both

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frankencocksupremacy · 5 years

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You don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal I was just wondering how did you deal with the negativity/stress around phalloplasty? I’m having it soon and it’s a serious downer hearing both the negative talk from non-op guys and stories from people have regretted surgery (even if that’s rare). I’d appreciate any advice if it’s not too much to ask

i don't mind answering this at all, no worries. this sort of thing has actually been on my mind for a long time and this gives me an excuse to talk about it lol. please note that just because something made me feel better that doesn't mean it'll work for you. we're all individuals and i'm no therapist. also note that i'm still in recovery and my main way of coping with anything heavy is cracking jokes (INCELS STILL WISH THEY WERE ME) so try to take particularly specific things i say with a grain of salt and feel free to toss out whatever advice seems unhelpful. if none of this works for you, i apologize, but maybe someone will find it beneficial.

ANYWAY here's whats been helping me get through my days (i tried to condense it but it ended up being a novel anyway oops):

⦁ post-op depression is real and it happens to lots of people. it can be coped with. keep yourself as mentally well as you can post-op. seek the support of people who care. immerse yourself in things you enjoy (just be careful if those things are drugs or sex. ask your doc about what your limits are while you're healing). develop a strong sense of humor. and be patient with yourself if you get frustrated or insecure. post-op depression doesn't last forever, and contrary to what some people believe, it also doesn't mean you've made a mistake. it's completely normal to feel shitty when you're in pain and exhausted for a long time

⦁ don't share more then you're willing to, no matter what. you don't owe nobody nuthin. transition is personal and nobody is entitled to the details, esp if they just want to know how to better shit talk you. be polite towards the well meaning, but set your boundaries and don't let people bully you past them. there are some trans people who think we must share all of our experiences, that we must make ourselves vulnerable for each others' sakes, but i promise you nobody will die if you choose to keep things private

⦁ understand when people are speaking in bad faith. non-ops who find bottom surgery "faulty" or are jealous of it don't care about the actual results, they just want you to feel bad for either living differently then them or for having what they don't. spiteful detrans people don't care about the thousands of happy post-op people who live and die as their transitioned gender, they're bitter about their own difficult experience. trans people who regret bottom surgery have their reasons to and that should be respected, but those reasons are entirely theirs (read: not a reflection on you or a guarantee that you'll feel the same way). Their_Experience_Is_Not_Universal.jpeg. none of these people having different lives or opinions needs to mold your reality

⦁ in addition to that, realize when people are speaking from a place of bias. of course someone who hasn't/can't have this surgery may talk shit, that's what sour grapes and internalized transphobia do to you. of course shittier people who've detran'd think nobody can be happy with the outcome of surgery, they're focused entirely on their own pain. of course people with surgical regret may try to disuade others from surgery, it wasn't what they wanted/needed/expected and they typically think they're doing you a favor. don't buckle to other people's perceptions of this operation without asking yourself what's motivating their mindset and what they'd get out of you believing it. everyone has intentions and they're not always good

⦁ don't argue with people who have made up their minds that they dislike your body, your decisions, or you as a person. you will not win, and you won't change their mind no matter how you respond to them. they'll just drain your energy and convince themselves that your reaction proves they're right. if someone makes a disparaging comment in person, subtley express disapproval at their social faux pas and then ignore them. if you get nasty messages online, delete them without acknowledging them publicly at all, even if you have the sickest of burns ready. and then reward yourself for staying mellow by doing something you enjoy, esp if its with people who actually respect you and make you happy

⦁ you are not a hypothetical or a statistic, so don't cling to them and psych yourself out. many men have this surgery and are thrilled with their lives after, and no percentage of people who encounter A Bad Thing That Happens Sometimes has ever changed that. live with what's happening right now in mind, not what could happen or has happened to others. this isn't to say you shouldn't be aware of or prepared for things like complications or difficult feelings, of course, just don't borrow trouble

⦁ in case it ever comes up: anyone who says your penis "isn't real" or "isn't functional" is wrong. your penis will be real, and chances are that if you've elected to get phallo, it will have the functions you'll need for it to be worth it to you. i can't predict your surgery outcome, and i'm only 6 weeks out as of yesterday so lord knows what's in my future, but my penis is very much a penis and it becomes more like how i want it to be every day. it's my own flesh and blood, i urinate through it, and someday i will have sex with it. cis =/= real and we'd all be better, happier people if we stopped pretending that was the case

⦁ reach out to other men who've had this surgery. feeling isolated and alone makes it easier to fall victim to the negative mindsets of (internally) transphobic people. frankly a lot of us are very happy to share because too many of us had to go through our transitions without much guidance or support, and we get that from discussing it with each other. if you need explicit permission to feel comfortable reaching out, though, my ask and IMs are always open and i love talking to other trans people about medical transition wink wink nudge nudge

⦁ don't be hard on yourself if you have transphobic or unsure thoughts. this is normal and almost impossible to avoid regardless of how things go. beating yourself up fixes nothing, least of all negative thinking. instead, if you find yourself half-believing non-ops who are insulting this surgery, question yourself. would you berate or judge another man getting phallo? are your thoughts framing cis people and their bodies as superior to trans people and theirs, and if so, why? are you dwelling on your own insecurities or dysphoria with little else backing your logic? if after surgery you start panicking because of things detrans or regretful trans people have said, keep asking. has this change actually made your life worse, or are you just anxious about it hypothetically being a regret someday? does focusing on the negative experience of others actually benefit you in any way? do you genuinely relate to the experiences these people have when they share why they're regretful? self interrogation might keep you from feeling like you're just ignoring narratives that make you uncomfortable, all while letting you constructively work through your feelings

⦁ remind yourself that no matter what anyone says or thinks, you're not changing for them. naysayers of phallo never prevented me from getting - and loving! - mine. ignorant detrans people have never made me go back to being a girl. others' surgical regret and post-op horror stories have not kept me from getting any surgeries. my life is mine, i choose what to do with it, and no matter how much hate or misinformation i've been faced with, i have persisted because my transition is for me and i know i'd regret it if i never took my chances with it. phallo wasn't for any romantic partners, or my family, or society, it was truly for Me. your transition is for You. you have one life. do what you truly believe will make it the best it can be, and no matter what happens you will be better off in some way for having tried

if you can maintain a healthy, productive way of thinking that focuses on self acceptance, you're golden. it's not easy, i know, but even the smallest effort to try makes a noticable difference. you're gonna do great. keep your chin up

(small note: i mention detrans people a lot here because they are among the people who experience surgical regret and some are loudly opposed to surgical transition because of it. i have no issue with people detransitioning. but notice how each time i bring them up i'm describing ones that are volatile and intentionally hurtful. those are the kind of detrans people i don't care for. plenty of detrans people are chill. don't listen to the ones that aren't)

#asks #mine #phalloplasty #bottom surgery #here i wrote a book on accident #if even one person is benefited by this post i'll be glad to have written it

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timeoutforthee · 5 years

Text

Like it or Not-Chapter 25

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay, @neonbluetiefling, @comicsimpson, @a-little-bit-of-ace

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings: disordered eating habits, death mentioned, parents not understanding mental health, general ignorance, parents fighting

Read it on AO3!

On the one hand, Logan’s support system was growing stronger. On the other hand, he started to see the cracks in its foundation.

Patton and the others seemed to be willing to celebrate any small victory, but his parents had much higher standards for him. They didn’t know what their son was struggling with, they just knew they wanted it to end.

Obviously, Logan thought to himself, They are my parents. They love me. They want me to feel better.

That was the mantra he repeated to himself, but some days it seemed less about love and more about convenience.

“What do you mean by that?” Thomas asks him.

“I mean…,” Logan trails off, unsure of how to phrase this, “They just don’t...understand. And part of that’s my fault, I haven’t taken the time to properly educate them, but sometimes I wonder, if I stopped this tomorrow, would they be happier?”

“It’s not your job to educate them,” Thomas says.

“It feels like it is,” Logan admits, “How else are they supposed to learn?”

“They’re adults, Logan, they should take the initiative to research themselves.”

“And if they don’t?”

“Well, then, they’re not being very supportive, are they?” Logan is quiet at that. “Have they been supporting you, Logan?”

It takes Logan a while, but he finally says, slowly, “No.”

“How do they react to this, then?”

“They ignore it.” They ignore me.

“Can you elaborate on that?”

“They take me to therapy, but we’re silent in the car. We don’t talk about therapy, they’ve never even asked about what I’m coming here for. They’re against me taking a psychology class. And there are certain things I have to do that they don’t understand and I-”

“Wait, pause there. What do you mean there are things you have to do?”

“Like I have to eat my food a certain way. Like I have to keep track of my calories. It’s just something I have to do.”

“I see, are there any more rituals you have to do that aren’t related to food?”

“No,” Logan says, “Well…”

"Yes?"

"There was the instance, when I was younger."

Logan was eight when he learned about death.

His grandfather passed away, quietly in his sleep, and suddenly death felt a little too real. He had seen it in movies and tv shows, but now suddenly it felt like it was around the corner. He knew it wasn’t after him, necessarily, but the main person he worried about was his grandmother.

So every time he visited, he’d leave, dragging his feet behind his parents, before turning and walking back up the steps to knock on her door. She’d open the door, and he’d nod, satisfied. But not for long. He had to walk down the steps and turn back around at least two more times before he would finally pick up his feet and follow his parents to their car.

“Why does he do that?” his grandmother asked one day when she thought he wasn’t listening. Logan had closed his eyes during a movie, and now he was slumped over on the couch. But he wasn’t asleep yet. “It’s annoying, you know.”

“Aww,” his mother replied, “I think it’s funny when he does that.”

“I do too,” his father said, shrugging, “Kids are a handful. At least with Logan it’s something as tame as knocking on the door a few extra times.”

“So you’re not going to stop him?” his grandmother says, her annoyance creeping in.

“Come on, Mom, it’s just a little quirk, he’ll grow out of it,” his mother says.

Mental health has a funny way of expressing itself, especially in kids. How people reacted to it could change the whole trajectory of an illness, completely changing their lives. And when it came down to it, when Logan started acting a little different, his family laughed it off.

Logan didn’t grow out of his knocking ritual, it only ended when his grandmother passed. And Madelyn and Kurt didn’t grow out of ignoring their son.

Thomas is staring at Logan, listening intently.

“Tell me, Logan,” his doctor says, “That sort of panicked feeling you had when it came to death before, do you ever have a similar feeling now?”

“No,” Logan says.

“Really? Not even when it comes to food?”

“I mean…,” Logan starts thinking. Thinking of the moments before he cuts his food, when he arranges his food on his plate, when he’s counting steps, calories, carbs…

“...yes.”

Thomas makes a note of that. “Logan, I have a question for you. Have you ever heard of obsessive compulsive disorder?”

“OCD? Yeah, though I’m not sure how accurately it’s been portrayed to me. It seems to involve a lot of cleaning.”

“Not quite,” Thomas says, “It’s when we have intrusive and upsetting thoughts-obsessions-that can cause us to perform rituals to try and keep them away-compulsions.”

Logan feels something in his stomach sink. “Why are you telling me this?”

Dr. Sanders smiles softly, “Why do you think I’m bringing it up?”

“I thought I had an eating disorder,” Logan says, ignoring the question.

“Oh, you do. One doesn’t cancel out the other. There is such a thing as comorbidity.”

Which makes sense to Logan. He’s read enough of his psychology book to knows it’s actually pretty rare to only have one mental illness. He had a feeling that a day like this would come, but he didn’t think it would be this.

“So...if I did have OCD...what would happen?”

“We would work on it,” Dr. Sanders says, shrugging, “I have an OCD workbook around here somewhere that you could work through, but it would also give us a new way to approach your eating disorder.”

“And you think that would be more beneficial?”

“I do. But we can discuss that at length next time. For now, we’ve run over time.”

Logan looks at the clock on the wall behind him. They’re fifteen minutes past when he was supposed to be out of here. His dad would probably be worried.

No, says a voice that’s a little too honest, Dad probably won’t care.

Dinner that night is tense.

More accurately, Logan is tense and it’s starting to infect his parents. They’re having hamburgers and fries which made Logan even angrier than he was because if they spoke to him for even a second they would know how much he hated french fries and how triggering they were. Yet they had the nerve to make passive aggressive glances at his plate and at each other as he was cutting the fries into bite sized pieces.

“How was school, Logan?”

And Logan knows he should bite his tongue. Should play nice like he always has, but after the session he just had with Dr. Sanders, he can’t put forth the effort.

“Fine.” Maybe if he just doesn’t talk everything will be fine.

His parents glance at each other which just makes his blood boil more.

“Are you sure, honey? You seem stressed,” his mom says.

And just like that, he deflates. Maybe he’s being unfair to them. Like he told Dr. Sanders, he never tried to educate them. Maybe it was time he tried.

“School was fine, I just had a stressful session,” he says, honestly.

His mom purses her lips, trying and failing to keep her face neutral. “Oh?”

“Yeah, we…,” Logan’s throat goes dry. He doesn’t know why talking about this makes him so nervous, but it does.

“Are you going to be done with that soon?” his dad asks, cutting him off.

“Done…? With therapy?”

“Yes, with therapy.”

“We haven’t discussed that at all. In fact we just made a breakthrough today, we’re going to start working on something new-”

“Breakthroughs should mean ‘almost done.”

“But I’m still struggling!” Logan snaps, “So that means continue.”

“Honey, I don’t think you’re struggling as much as you think you are. I mean, everyone has struggles, I think yours are normal.”

“They’re not!” Logan is getting emotional and he knows that’s only going to hinder his argument, but he’s getting desperate. “How can you guys not see it?”

“See what?” his dad asks.

“The counting, the compulsions, the-the,” Logan never stumbles over his words, but his emotions are overtaking him right now, “The OCD, the anorexia.”

His dad leans back in his chair. “Anorexia? Like when you don’t eat?”

“Yes, dad, when you don’t eat.”

His dad stares at him. There’s no recognition, no realization, no sadness. Just confusion.

“Boys don’t get eating disorders.”

And maybe Logan should have expected this or seen it coming, it’s not exactly an uncommon belief, but he’s always seen his dad as an intelligent man. Clearly, he would listen to reason.

“Mental illnesses don’t discriminate, they’re chemical imbalances in the brain-”

“Chemical imbalance? I thought you were talking about anorexia-”

“I am.”

“That’s a behavior. A behavior is choice, Logan,” his dad says, slowly, as if Logan is the confused one in this instance.

“Dad, that...isn’t the way it works.”

“Of course it is!” his dad says, “That’s the way it’s always worked, that’s the way it’s always been! Maybe these doctors you’ve been seeing are just hacks in disguise.”

“They’re not hacks what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about some new age doctors who think they know everything, when in reality they’re just taking my money!”

“They’re not-”

“You know what? I’m tired of waiting for this to be over. It’s over now.”

Logan suddenly feels like he’s been plunged into the arctic. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re not going back to therapy.”

“Dad,” Logan stutters, which is unusual for him, “Dad, you-you can’t mean that, I need it, please-”

His dad doesn’t say anything, just stands up and goes to his room.

“Mom,” Logan says, turning to her, “You can’t let him do this, please, I need therapy, I need group, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

His mom is staring at her plate. She finally shakes herself and looks at her son.

“I can’t control what your dad does.”

“You can take me to group,” Logan says, desperate, “please.”

She sighs, “We’ll discuss it.”

#lion #like it or not

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if-weshadows-haveoffended · 5 years

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Strela Amura Part 2- Chekov x Reader

A/N: IM NOT DEAD BABEY! A SHOCK!!! THOUGHT THE VOID WOULD EAT ME BY NOW!!! Sorry, exams were a nightmare and I had three jobs at one point rip in pieces and now im unemployed because Uni is doing its goshdarned best to run me over with a semi-trailer. Anyway this took a bit longer than expected as I ended up re-writing it from Jim’s perspective 😊

I took about a year hiatus from fic writing across the board and now im back so hopefully it’s a lot more active than it was my dudes <3

Title: Strela Amura (Cupid’s Arrow) (Part 2) Inspiration: here (x) Part 1: here (x) Prompt: here (x) Tags: Fluff, kinda-kirk’s-sister-but-kinda-not, Chekov and reader are doing their level best to give (and not give) Kirk a heart attack, Spock probably laughs in the distance as best as a vulcan can Words: 1400+ Masterpost: here (x) Prompt List: here (x) Mixtape Archive: here (x)

James Tiberius Kirk had very nearly had it UP TO HERE with his youthful navigator.

What was it about curls? Was it the accent? Was it the ability to calculate multi-variable calculus and integrate functions with limits to positive and negative infinity in under thirty seconds?

He wasn’t entirely sure anymore.

“Jim!”

“Keptin!”

He stared at the pair in general, his younger ‘sister’ and his navigator, uniforms off and dripping wet, standing inside one of Scotty’s little maintenance closets, clothes strewn all over the floor.

“Jim, there’s a perfectly reasonable and totally-not-erotic reason for all of this,” His ‘sister’ tried explaining. He just let go of a very long-suffering sigh.

Perhaps he should start from the very beginning.

They’d somehow managed to get out of the freezing hell-hole that was 1886 St Petersburg. Jim would be the first to admit that it was definitely a team effort on the part of Scotty’s incredible engineering feats, Spock’s quick thinking, Sulu’s fencing and the combined efforts of Uhura and Chekov in translation. In fact, the only real problem they’d had was Bones’ grumbling and incessant fussing over his younger ‘sister’s’ health.

He’d almost forgotten how much he’d missed her passion and enthusiasm for knowledge and adventure.

Though apparently, it seemed to extend to his very adorable navigator.

It was probably… at least three hours max back on the ship before he’d had Sulu report back to him. Apparently, cute lil’ sister thought it’d be very polite of her to help strip off Chekov’s ridiculously knotted cravat… and his coat… and help unbutton his shirt… and help take it off…

And well, according to Sulu, who was too busy laughing his traitor ass off, said little sister got incredibly flustered as she helped bandage up a wound that Fairy Tale Prince over there thought would be incredibly brave and dashing.

Bones later told him it was just a flesh wound.

The fact it was on his upper thigh most certainly didn’t help.

Then there was of course the incident at the Mess Hall, where Chekov allowed her to daintily take a bite of his stroganoff from his fork. Which she, of course, did so with a slight giggle before hiding her face in her hands in total embarrassment.

He wanted to puke from the cuteness.

But of course, of course, it ONLY GOT WORSE FROM THERE.

Jim, personally, didn’t have a problem with staff inter-personal relationships, after all it was none of his business and it would be for the best if he stayed in his metaphorical galactic lane. And after all, his sister was an adult, and not even his own biological sister at that. Not that it didn’t mean he wasn’t any less protective…

No, he needed to stop being so protective. She was perfectly fine gallivanting off to the other side of the universe in search of teensy bits of pottery.

But there was just something that caught in his throat, every time he caught Ensign Chekov flexing his arms around her, or deliberately flirting with her with some of the cheesiest lines Jim had heard in his entire life (and he’d heard… more like delivered… quite a lot of them).

And not to mention, Jim also highly doubted that the phrase ‘give you an education on the complexities of Russian language’ was to be taken at face-value.

Although, apparently Bones and Spock (goddamned fucking Spock) found it amusing to see him so constipated at the ongoing events and their all-too-fast unfolding. It was like that one time Sulu decided to take the phrase ‘punch it’ quite literally, and travelled at speeds so fast that it required use of seatbelts. Bones would often mutter something about the pair needing to use protection under his breath as he would spy the pair innocently grin at each other from across the mess hall. Spock would often ask if he needed to brush-up on human marriage customs and their festivity traditions, and perhaps if he was prepared to be an uncle.

And perhaps Jim could do it. Perhaps he could take all the teasing and all the embarrassment up to that exact point.

But Ensign Pavel Andreivich Chekov had just crossed the fucking line.

Jim was gonna have to pluck out both his eyes.

“What the hell are you two doing?” Jim watched as the pair them (rather Chekov) jumped about four feet back from his sister. Jim’s traitor little sister (as he was now calling her in his head) was wearing nothing but her underwear, sitting on a med-bay bed and had a rather red Russian kneeling on the med bay floor with his shirt off and his head between her thighs.

Not fucking again. This was worse than St Petersburg already.

He taught her better than this, surely. Surely he told her to draw the curtains and leave some form of warning in the form of a tie or a boot hanging off a door!?

“What!” His (he wasn’t sure if he could call her his sister anymore, he couldn’t deal with the stress) sister blurted out, covering herself up with her discarded jumper. “No! It’s perfectly fine, it’s nothing really!”

“Nothing? You two hooking up on Bones’ thrice disinfected med-bay equipment is nothing?” Jim clarified. The girl had a death wish, surely, and she was dragging poor innocent little Chekov with her. He should have protected Chekov better. He should have warned him that despite appearances, his little sister was incredibly persuasive.

“Hooking-hooking up?” Chekov managed to choke out, looking absolutely terrified of the situation at hand. He seemed to be panicking and the red in his face and spread to his ears and neck. “We’re not-“

“Jimmy, darling dearest brother,” His sister said with a long-suffering sigh and a pinch of her nose bridge. “There was a chemical spill in the labs. We’ve both just gotten hosed down, you can even confirm our alibi with Spock. He’ll probably do a report later today.”

“I wasn’t eating your sister out, I swear!” Jim could feel his heart actually stop beating the moment his navigator shouted it out at an uncharacteristically high-pitched way. He swore he could hear his sister mumble out ‘I wouldn’t mind if you did,’ under her breath. “I was just picking up my PADD.”

“Which he needed to double check that this rash on my leg was due to an allergic reaction when the fabric of my trousers met the acid.” His sister continued for him. “Really Jim, you’re literally the only person who thinks that we’re up to something suspicious.”

“Unless you’d like us to be up to that, Keptin.” Chekov piped up cheerfully with a sunny grin. “You free later tonight?”

“Yes of course I am.” His sister agreed with a cheeky wink. “I’d say at my place but it’s far too close to my dear brother’s quarters for us to get up to anything particularly loud.”

“HOLD ON A SECOND YOUND LADY I MAY NOT BE RELATED-“

“Yes, I zink zat karaoke contest would be easier done at mine.” Jim’s mouth fell open while he watched the conversation unfold casually, as the pair got dressed.

“You’re on Pasha,” She winked putting on a large t-shirt and gathering up her clothes in a messy bundle in her arms.

Jim stared pointedly down at his shoes. Perhaps he was over-reacting… just a little. He just couldn’t help the possibility that these two golden, happy things may break their hearts. And it was simply something he didn’t want to have to deal with. Neither of them deserved heartbreak, that wrenching feeling growing a little bit in his heart.

He took one last glance at the pair of them, laughing as she nudged him into one of the nursing bay beds. Perhaps he should let them get to know one another, after all, she was a (barely) a fully grown adult and Chekov was also fairly responsible if he wasn’t getting into any hijinks-

He did a double-take, unsure if he just watched his little sister not-so-subtly tap Chekov on the ass, to which the young navigator responded with a wink.

Kirk wasn’t sure how the rest of his day was going to turn out, but he made a mental note to see if Bones would be free to diagnose the alcohol-induced liver failure he was about to incur in order to forget ever seeing that.

#Star trek x reader #chekov x reader #pavel chekov x reader #pavel chekov x reader imagine #reader x chekov #reader imagines #star trek fic #star trek alternate timeline fic

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crushsuggestions · 7 years

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crush the asks

below the cut i answered a bunch of crush related asks! i’m sorry if i didn’t get around to you, hopefully i can do these more often!

ask: i miss his voice and i miss holding his hand. i miss how his laugh made everything feel okay and how his smile warmed my heart. all i seem to want these days is his affection but i don't think I'll ever achieve that again. and it's utterly heartbreaking.

i’m so sorry! just remember that even if you feel bad now, it will pass, no matter how impossible that seems.

ask: my crush is like hella embarrassing but he's so nice to me. he always calls me babes and i tell him to not but like i don't really mean it. and he's got gREaT leGS, and this stupid fringe that's definitely too long and he makes me laugh. i still feel like nothing will ever happen between us, and next year we're not gonna have any classes together and i worry we'll just kinda stop talking :/:///

set up some sort of connection! you could jokingly ask for their number/skype/whatsapp, whatever you feel like, so you can talk more! whatever happens, good luck!

ask: hey! i have a real crussshh but the person is quite wild, and it's hard to see him regularly... what can i do? have a good day xx

similar to the other anon there! ask for another method of contact that they’d feel okay talking to you on, whether that’s texting or something online! you have a good day too! <3

ask: he likes someone else.. :/

aah, i’m really sorry, that sucks. i really hope you’ll feel better soon, just remember that it’s not really either of your faults, in you for liking them in the first place or you for liking them. best wishes to you anon, i hope you feel better soon <3

ask: Is it wrong for me to have a crush on someone while I'm in a relationship? Like, I'm not going to cheat on my gf for this person or flirt with them, its more of a crush where I stare and fawn over them. I would never hurt my gf like that but, I feel wrong.... am I?

i’d say that feelings are just feelings sometimes. you’re not consciously wanting to go out and have a relationship with this other person and you clearly love your gf. it’s about recognising that as a crush and not acting with it like you’re doing right now. feelings happen! but i’m glad you’re being a good person about it <3 <3

ask: do you have any advice on how to get over someone you see almost every day?

i’d say one of your best bets is to clear the air. if you can talk it out with them, phrasing it as a ‘crush you used to have’ or ‘something you’re getting over’, you might be able to clear some of the tension, whether that’s all in your head or in real life. if you can, try and stop looking at them as a crush (or ex crush) and just as a person or friend. i know that’s a bunch easier said than done though, so i wish you lots of luck <3

ask: sososo,, there's this kid and hes super cute and sweet and im rlly gay for him. buttt im also super awkward and afraid to talk to him about bc i dont know what he'll say or if he feels the same. any advice for overcoming that fear to give things a shot? xx

start up communication before actually asking them out, proposing those kind of feelings! whether that’s walking over to them and talking about something they did/said or just plain saying you think they’re sweet! it’s a good idea to get to a place where you feel comfortable talking! when it comes to the actual introduction, you could even ask a mutual friend to introduce the two of you? also, slow deep breaths, lots of hyping yourself up :D good luck!!

ask: not to sound annoying but did my ask not get answered because it was about having multiple crushes? is that not allowed on this blog. sorry

no, it’s totally okay!! there’s a lot of asks in my box at the minute and i’m really slow at getting around to them because i don’t want to spam people with asks. it’s almost never about the actual content of the ask (unless the ask is intentionally malicious in the situation or towards me i guess ‘:D)

ask: My more than crush is in the philipines. She i told her about how i felt towards her a week or two ago. We talk every everynight usually until 2am about all types of things and i usually just gush to her about how perfect i think she is.I feel really strong feelings for her and every time i tell her she says i don't feel this way and that i'm lying in a wierd voice and it sounds like she's getting flustered. What do i do now?

i’d say you should probably talk honestly about your feelings! if you’ve put forward that you like them and they don’t return your feelings, that’s totally okay on both sides and you can continue the friendship. if she doesn’t feel that way, i think it’s best to leave off on the subject, even if you’re unsure how valid that is, you have to respect her feelings!

ask: I met my crush online over a year ago and I've had a crush on him for 10 months. I think he might like me back but I'm not sure because I don't know if he's actually flirting with me or if he's treating me the same as his other friends since he's generally an affectionate person. He often tells me he wants to hold my hand, hug me, and he loves me, but I'm still not sure that he has romantic feelings for me. I asked him out in August and he said no but that was a while ago, so should I try again?

often with people, you can’t really tell their feelings by their actions, one of the main things you can do is talk it out. instead of asking them out this time and making your feelings clear, you could pull them aside and ask what their feelings are to you. if you can, keep the tone light and friendly, so it doesn’t get too odd for either of you, but i think that might be the best course of action. good luck!!

ask: god i am in love with two diff friends but im also in a relationship w a v cute gal (i love her but its not rlly working idk???) and shit aaaaaaaa i am dying of frustration bc itd be so shit to break up w her bc shes absolutely smitten and i have no idea how to deal???? idk im not making any sense sorry

i really think that if you don’t think it’s working with your current partner, that’s something you really need to address. while you might feel like you don’t want to hurt her, it might not be too nice to not talk about the fact that you don’t think it’s working with her! that’s something very important to talk out and be respectful before considering pursuing another relationship!

ask: so I've had a crush on my best friend for a while and she seems like she could like me back now...how do I hint that I like her???? i have no clue how to flirt, what should i do? thanks so much, i love your blog btw

you don’t have to hint at all! if anything, to avoid getting feelings confused, it might be more clear to have an honest, friendly conversation about it! that’s a little harder than flirting, but it might be worth it in the long run.

ask: I told my bf I loved him when he was really upset about something but I'm not sure if I meant it in the same way I loved him when we were just friends and now I'm thinking I said it too soon? I'm kinda freaking out a bit any idea what I should do?

it’s totally okay, i promise. it might not have been the right time to say it, in terms of them being upset, but it’s okay to be honest with how you’re feeling. if you wanted to clarify with them and speak about that, it might help clear your head a little!

ask: Ok so I have this one friend who I call my son bc apparently I Am The Mom Friend and ANYWAY he's in my drama class and the other day he asked if I had any feelings for anyone in drama but in the 'do you have a crush' voice and I Do in fact have a crush on someone in the drama class but I panicked and was just like 'well there's that girl we all hate and I freaking hate her' and he was like wow that's the worst thing I've ever heard you say about anyone and dropped it but WHAT IF HE KNOWS????????

i don’t know in the slightest gosh!! i think it’s probably best to clarify what you want to say when you talk to him again or if it’s not brought up again, i suppose assume that they didn’t take it that way?? absolutely your choice! <3

ask: There is this girl I really like. We hung out on Monday and we went to a park. I really like her, she's beautiful, funny, has an awesome taste in music and I just really like her. But I think she only like me as a friend. I don't know what to do 😭

the best thing you can do for your benefit is respect her feelings and understand that she doesn’t want a relationship! don’t stress yourself out over it, deep breath, do your best to let it go. there will be lots of awesome people who like you right back, this just isn’t one of them!! aah gosh, wishing you the best though anon <3 <3

P.S.

i’m sorry it’s not too much. i love all of these asks and i’m really glad that people are interested and enthusiastic about my blog but i do have 1,248 asks right now! i’m desperately trying to get around to them, please don’t get mad at me if i don’t get around to yours fast enough/at all! i’ve had a lot of not too nice anons recently and while i understand how bad it feels to be ignored, you also have to respect i’m a person too here!

aah that’s negative. i wish all the anons the best up there, let me know if posting in a chunk like this works for you!

#about a crush #all advice is my opinion only!#if you want to give yours you can totally reply or reblog the post #i'm sure that would help these anons a lot!

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