Mm i left bandom space a long long time ago. I mean I'm not that old but ten years ago is still pretty long. And frankly if i overstep lemme know.

Honestly at this point i shouldnt be surprised so many people are actually still inherently racist towards Ray, but also i think, i should be. Because i genuinely expected better from mcr bandom, but again, left bandom spaces a decade ago...

It's pretty sad? Like. I'll admit, I didn't realize Ray was actually a man of colour when i was younger. I think i realized right around the time i left at 15 or so. Which also really goes to show that racism towards him and making him seem as white as possible which definitely i think was a thing. Like in comparison, I knew pete wentz was mixed long before i figured out Ray was a poc. It says a lot about the space at the time and i had honestly thought it'd be better now.

I've loved mcr for years, but i havent been IN love with them for a while. It happens, relationships and feeling wax and wane. But this tour, the excitement and love recently ignited in not just Gerard with all their gender fuckery, but the whole band, has brought a love and joy back into my life for music that hit me in the heart as a preteen and teenager.

And none of that would be possible without Ray Toro putting his all into the feelings and conveying of in his music. Mikey made the band, but ray MAKES the band. He is absolutely fucking integral and it is disgusting & disheartening to see him treated such a way. What the fuck even, hearing that streamers are zooming in on frank during Rays solos?? Like do the fuck better? I'm honestly disappointed as fuck in that shit. Like I know this whole thing is a little disjointed stream of consciousness type post but really. White people do better challenge! Its literally SO fucking easy. The real camera guys are RIGHT THERE showing what to fucking do!

You can love the others as much as you want but jesus fuck give Ray the same fucking courtesy. Stop ignoring your racism, start recognizing the issues that plague you from being white and growing up in white privilege. I sure as fuck still have plenty of shit to work on but at least i can say i can do the bare fucking MINIMUM of giving Ray Toro the respect and attention he absolutely fucking deserves.

Like I do hope this is understood I am not trying to speak over anyone but simply say from one white to another: you need to do better. If that's how you treat a member of supposedly one of your fav bands, i genuinely fear for the poc you encounter in your life. The harm you cause by staying blind may be incremental but it builds up until it's a mountain. Do fucking better.

weep woop

ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao. I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy.  Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective. It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt. I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like: -Some people have it worse than you -At least you have ..... These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently. alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️ alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs. this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like : Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life. “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” -All These Things That I've Done, The Killers “It's not too late, I'm still right here” -Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson "And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive" -Last Hope, Paramore “There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?” -Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore "It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did" -1800, Logic "Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then" -Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb) "10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean, Taylor Swift “I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.” -Believe in Me, Demi Lovato "I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me" -I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato “I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know” -Nightingale, Demi Lovato "I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to." -Therapy, All Time Low "I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be" -Ghost, Badflower "Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you" -DNA, Lia Marie Johnson Movies and series to try : -The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out) -The Kings of Summer -Never Let Me Go -The Art of Getting By -Silver Linings Playbook -Winter’s Bone -The Lovely Bones (The script. The words) -Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -American Horror Story -Black Swan

pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!! 

ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe. 

x :D

The Return- Part 11

Im backkkkk💕 Hey yall so after a very very longgggg break from writing😅😬 I am officially back💕 I wanted to say thank you to everyone who reached out to me for their support and their love💕☺️ I am currently working on finishing up this series for yall as well as some smutty😏 requests that have been sent in. And I just wanna say that I love all of yall and yall are the best people out there💕💕💕💕💕💕

Disclaimer: Some Angst, Some Fluff and my horrible writing as always💕 Hope yall enjoy💕

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @readsalot73 @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness @zuxiezendler @thejulietfarciertlove @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @affection-rabbit @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @biss-stuff @funmadnessandbadassvikings

Lemme know if you want to be a part of my permanent taglist as well, so I know who to include in the one shots☺️💕 

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Recap:

Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new clothes. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

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Ivar’s POV

It seemed like time and everything around me stilled. What had started as a very awkward and unpleasant evening, had become even worse. Just a few steps away from me, (Y/n) had collapsed and I wanted nothing more than to rush to her aid and lift her up in my arms so that I could whisper that everything would be okay. That our son would be fine, because he was a fighter and he was OUR SON! That this was all a nightmare and that I would not rest till whoever was responsible would be put to death by my hands! But how could I? How could I be that person she needed the most when all I had done was bring her pain and sorrow. 

I hand single handedly destroyed her life and her family. It wasn't until I saw her there. Laying down on the mattress as cold as ice that it dawned on me. All the hurt and pain that I place the people I love through... 

“Ivar? Are you alright my love?” Said Freydis as she knelt down before me, whilst placing her hands on my knees. My hands that once rested on the arms of the chair I was in, grasped on to her arms. I lifted my gaze to meet hers with the iciest stare that I could muster. “Do...Not...Touch...Me...Whore. I want nothing to do with you, for I know that somehow you're involved in this. And when I find out how, I will not hesitate to end your life!” I said through gritted teeth, whilst I pushed her down on to the floor. “My king, my god, I have nothing to do with this I assure you! Please you must believe me!” She pleaded with me whilst trying reach for me again. I only stared at her and said nothing back for I would not be able to contain myself from killing her. 

Shifting my gaze away from her I stare at the mattress in the middle of the room. Were (y/n) and Erik lay. Both pale, but you could tell that Erik was not in as bad of a shape as (y/n) was, as he had some colour to his skin. I could see Freydis from the corner of my eyes, lifting herself up and trying to come towards me. This idiot does not give up. I quickly turned my icy glare towards her and she stopped dead in her tracks. Bowed and slipped away from the room.

Her eyes told me everything I needed to know. They showed guilt, anger, even happiness, perhaps at the fact that the only person that has ever loved me for me was dying, but the one thing that showed the most was remorse. And that single handedly told me that she was involved. Freydis was not smart enough to do this on her own, so there must have been someone else pulling the strings. And I would not rest until I found out who!

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Your POV

Fluttering my eyes open, I start to notice the familiar surroundings around me. The fireplace’s light radiating across the entire room. Marjorie’s little body at the foot of the bed sound asleep and Erik’s little body hugging her’s closely as if he was protecting her from anything. Erik! At that thought I try my hardest to lift myself off the bed to check on my baby boy, but am stopped by him. “Surely, you're not thinking about getting up, are you now? We both know that’s probably one of the stupidest things you could do in your condition.” Ivar said from the chair he was in. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, maybe even weeks. His hair was disheveled and his eyes held something to them that I couldn't quite put my finger on. 

I tried to form words, but couldn't quite find the right one’s. Ivar stood up from the chair and used his crutch as support to lift himself off the chair and walk towards the bed in the middle of the room. “I..var, what happened? Erik.. h..he was...”  I trailed off before the tears streamed down my face. “Shhhh... It’s alright. Don’t cry, I’ll explain everything that’s happened, but please do not cry. I cannot bear to see you in tears, love.” Ivar said while wiping the tears of my face with his thumbs as he sat down beside me. As Ivar took my hand in his, he recounted everything that had occurred in the last 2 weeks to me. 

Freydis had been escorted back to Kattegat by Ivar’s guards, he did not tell me why, but I could tell that it was something serious by the way his demeanour changed. Bjorn and Hvitserk were set to sail back as well sometime this week as they had treaties and business to attend to in Ivar’s behalf. Who was keen on not leaving my side till I awoke and Erik was back to full health. “And Arthur? Where is he?” I whispered, noticing the children about to wake up. At that Ivar takes a deep breath in and with an exasperated sigh... “He’s gone (y/n). He left a note about a week ago. He said that being here at your side wasn’t his place anymore, that the children and you would always have a place in his heart. And not to worry, that he was not going to revoke the children’s titles. But...” Ivar said looking down at our intertwined hands. For a moment I could see genuine sadness and guilt in his eyes, he looked back at the children and then he looked directly into my eyes. The eyes that I had tried so long to forget. The eyes that brought me comfort, safety and most of all the love that as much as I tried to deny it, he could only give me. “He divorced you (y/n)...” 

Before I could even get the chance to process what Ivar was telling me, I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me. “Mama! You're awake!” Cried out Marjorie. “Oh my babies! Im so sorry, I will never ever leave your sides again do you hear me?” I say to both Erik and Marjorie as I look into their eyes and wrapped them in a bear hug. I can feel Ivar’s stare from where he is sitting and before I realize what Im doing, I pull him in to the hug by the shirt he was wearing. “I cant... breathe...” said Erik from underneath mine and Ivar’s arms. At that we all let out a small laugh and let go of our family hug. “Erik are you feeling alright? Are you sick? We should probably get the doctor. And you should be in bed mister not out of it!” I say once it dawns on me that my son was almost poisoned, and here he is acting as if nothing had happened. “Calm down (y/n), he's alright I had the best doctors taking care of him while you were, you know.” Ivar says as he rubs my back in a soothing way. “Yeah Mama! Uncle Ivar...I mean Papa took care of me and Marjorie whilst you were sleeping, he never once left my side even though he probably should have, he looks terrible.” Erik says as he whispers the end of his sentence making me and Marjorie laugh. Ivar just stared at him not knowing how to reply to Erik. “Rude.” Is all that Ivar said before plopping down next to me on the bed, making us all laugh harder. I could see Ivar playing as if he were hurt by Erik’s statement, but his eyes told me how astonished he was at the fact our little boy was just like him, not to mention the fact that I could tell Ivar was dying of laughter on the inside. 

Moments later as the children are telling Ivar and I what they had done during the week. There’s a knock at the door. Marjorie and Erik go to answer it, as they noticed that Ivar had fallen asleep with his head on my lap and he hasn't slept at all during the last 2 weeks. “Well if it isn't, my beautiful niece and my handsome nephew. Eh! How’s your papa, is he still brooding and acting all grumpy in the corner of the room?” Hvitserk says with a grin on his face that stretches ear to ear. “Nope! He’s sleeping on mama’s lap you see.” Marjorie says as she points toward us from Hvitserk’s arms. “(y/n), you're awake!” He says putting Marjorie down and running towards the bed and throwing himself on it. Ivar’s hand shoots out and grabs Hvitserk’s throat. “Don’t.” He says before letting go and going back to sleep, as he places his upper body across my legs. “And were back to normal people!” Hvitserk as he laughs while hugging me and kissing my forehead.

 “So how are you feeling? How was it actually? Wait you must me insanely hungry, good thing I had your cooks make a feast!” As Hvitserk went on and on asking questions and me trying to answer them to the best of my ability I start to think about my family and what the future holds for us especially now since I’ve lost my best friend. And Im not 100% forgiving Ivar just yet, but I cant help but feel that this is how it was meant to be. Ivar and I listening to the ramblings of Hvitserk and our children and one of us drifting away while the other smiled and nodded. The thought brought a huge smile to my face, and a feeling that I could never forget nor want to disappear. The feeling of Family.

---------------------------------------------------

After a couple of days I still wasn't back 100%, but I couldn't just stay locked up in a room. Ivar protested all he could, but he knew that I would not stop until I got what I wanted. As I made the trek from the castle to the cliff I could see the ocean and how calm and serene it looked. The birds flocking from one place to another and the sun setting in the distance. The view was breathtaking. “You know considering you just got poisoned, you shouldn't be out and about by yourself.” Bjorn said as he approached me at the edge. “I know, but I just needed a moment to myself. To think about things and wrap my head around this mess.” I said pulling the shawl a little tighter around myself, to shield me from the ocean’s breeze. “Here, take this.” Bjorn said as he placed his fur around my shoulders. “I thought I lost you for good (y/n). Those 2 weeks where we didn't know if you would awake, took me to a dark place that I haven't gone too since before you came back into my life...” Bjorn whispered as he looked out towards the sun set. “Bjorn, I’m a horrible person. I can’t stop thinking about how this is the life I was meant to live. Just me, my kids and Ivar. What about Arthur? He was such a big part of my life and I...” 

“You can’t help, but feel guilty. Guilty that was you shared wasn't meant to be, that secretly you hoped for this day all your life? Free from what seemed like a burden?” He says as he sitting down and twiddling with the laces on his boots. “Yes... But he wasn't a burden, he was my friend, my best friend. He was there for me when Ivar wasn't, he took care of me.” I choke out through sobs as I fall on my knees next to him. “I know, but you cant help who you love (y/n) and who you do not. At the end of the day you would have held this in and it would've ate away at you, for Odin knows how long.” Bjorn says wiping away my tears and kissing my forehead. “God I hate you sometimes, you know that?” “Nope, you loveeee me.” We say as we laugh together whilst we lay down on the grass looking up at the stars as the night took over. “(y/n), although you're not technically my sister. I want you to know that no matter what I’ll always be with you and that I love you.” Bjorn says without looking at me. “I know...I love you too, big brother.” I take his hand in mine to show him that nothing has changed between us and that no matter what he’ll always be my big brother.

 Standing up we make our way back to the castle, but before we go in I stop him. “Bjorn, when is the boat departing to Kattegat, again?” “In 4 days time, why?” He asks with a worried look on his face. “Let’s say that I’ll be joining you, 4 years is long enough to be away from home.” I say looking up at him, with a hard look on my face. “I’m not one to stop you, but are you sure that’s what you want?” He says with a worried look. “Believe me, its what I want and what I will do.” 

I had gone too long being afraid of the retaliation that Floki would take against me, but I knew that he had orchestrated this poisoning, for he wanted me dead. However, he had not only messed with me, but with my son and no one touches my children. This time I would not return to Kattegat a scared little girl. I would return as a mother, who would protect her kids and her family at all costs and this time I would not be the one sent away, for I would stay in Kattegat and nothing and no one would get in my way...

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

this is long and probably a lil too personal but i felt like i wanted to say something and this is what came out so yall can really just ignore this. its long. its dramatic. 

idk how many of the people that follow me know but 2018 and 2019 have really been the worst years of my life. waaaaay worse than i ever imagined my life could ever get. genuinely. never in my 22 years of life did i think i would have to go through the shit i went through in these last two years. long story short, i lost my mom, my aunt, 3 pets, nearly my other aunt, nearly my dad, and nearly my brother within 18 months. obviously, losing my mom was/is by far the hardest thing i’ll ever have to go through. she was my entire world and it happened so unexpectedly. it pretty much left me completely empty. im really just a shell of a person at this point. she and i were the only people in my house that enjoyed sports. every single night we’d sit down and watch whatever game is on. she got me into football in first grade, baseball last year, and hockey last year. all we ever wanted to do was watch sports and talk about them. and nearly every day we talked about how we wished we could go to games. problem was, we were poor. could barely afford to pay the bills, rarely could afford groceries, etc. so going to games was pretty much a pipe dream because especially boston sports tickets are so disgustingly expensive. in december of last year, i won tickets to a red sox game and literally got so excited because we finally were gonna be able to go to a game. it was probably the happiest moment of my life because we were finally getting to do the thing we always talked about. anyways, since football has always been our #1 sport, the patriots games were always a must. however, y’all know how absurd those prices are so we never got to go. we always talked about getting to see tom play in person before he retired. this season was the year i hoped to bring my mom to a game. i had no idea how i was gonna do it, but i needed it to happen. she deserved it.  she was so excited for this year because of how much promise they had at the beginning of the season. all the talent. unfortunately, she passed before the season started and never got the chance to see them. one of the things i told her in the hospital was that i wanted make sure i did the things she wanted to do. idk if that makes sense to other people but it’s something i thought was important. since she didn’t get to do them, i wanted someone to do them. idk. since her passing i’ve gone to 3 red sox games and a bruins game.  but still wasn’t able to go to a patriots game because tickets were selling at a higher price because of their record. so i kinda had just given up on seeing them, and honestly gave up on the idea that i’d see tom play before he retired. plus, i had no one to go with because my mom was the only person i know who liked sports. none of my friends do. 

recently, my friend has gotten into sports and now has an interest in going to games. so last minute (literally last week) i decided that i wanted to find a way to a patriots game. i wanted to go to a game with my mom there in spirit and finally get to live out that dream of ours. i’m still pretty broke at this point and would have to empty half my checking account for nosebleeds but i was gonna do it. so yesterday (christmas), i was feeling extremely sad and vulnerable and just overall like shit because it was my mom and i’s favorite holiday and this was the first time she wasn’t here for it. i pretty much cried all day... and all night but between my crying i scrolled through ticket sites incessantly because i wanted to find the cheapest ticket possible. i had a plan of waiting until last minute but i got impatient. i caved and bought a ticket for my friend and i to see them play on sunday and honestly thinking about it makes me wanna cry.

i wanna cry because my mom should be here. she should be coming to this game with me. i wanna cry because i’m finally getting to see my bb’s play in person. and although this probably seems v dramatic ((because it is)) i just feel like the tiniest sense of happiness for the first time in years. 

idk if anyone can relate but sports are literally my entire world. like it’s all i think it. i’m so immersed in the world ((probably a little too much)) and idk sports are just that constant feeling of happiness in my life.. especially when everything else feels like shit. 

so for all the people who follow me, i know you’re upset but you wont be seeing my incessant, annoying ass liveblogging for the dolphins game 😂💀. it’ll be sitting a billion feet up in the air, probably in the last row, out in the freezing rain but i’ll be happy for the first time in a looooong time. unless we lose then i’ll get sad. i’m kidding,,,, kinda. 

especially the last couple months, my faith has been a little all over the place and im currently in limbo of what i believe and what i don’t but, all i hope is that my mom is with me at this game. a funny lil side note; all 5 games i’ve gone to (i went to one red sox game with my friend while my mom was still here but she was supposed to be the one to go but she was in the hospital and she told me she really wanted me to go instead of skip it) there has been 1 open seat next to me. every single game. just one seat. 

another side note i should mention; ive been to 1 preseason game in 2016 with my mom and one preseason game this season. both games were all rookies. so i don’t count it as a game because i’ve never gotten to see the main guys play. 

okay i’m done now, sorry for being overdramatic and annoying.

fuck the dolphins, lets go pats.

TLDR; 2018 and 2019 have been the worst years of my life and honestly this decade has been nothing but sadness and loss for me but i’m finally experiencing my childhood dream of seeing the patriots play in person. it’s probably not that deep to anyone else but this is literally something i’ve wanted since first grade. i’ve waited 16 years for this. 

BTS Analysis;

I don’t even know if I can call this an unpopular opinion bc I know some people agree with this, this is more of an in-depth analysis and personal experience I guess. It’s all about bts... and its lowkey a mess. I apologise in advance for any grammar/spelling errors, and times I may contradict myself a bit. This is something that REALLY bothers me. I just want to clarify that I love bts a lot, and that I was the HUGEST STAN for a good 5ish months. I still stan them but not as much due to the following reasons.

They just don’t make good music anymore.  They love yourself era was when everything turned to shit. The actual core love yourself concept is very good but,,,, it was executed really poorly.

Dna was my first comeback with them, even though I’ve been listening to them since august 2016. But when actually became a stan in April 2017, I was obsessed with them. I was so damn excited for their September 2017 cb that my standards were through the roof. During the summer they changed the logo and did the beyond the scene thing,,, that’s the first thing that kind of irked me,,, and then they did the highlight reels in the style of I need u and they were redeemed.

When love yourself her started promotions and teasers, the bar was higher than the person who edited the DNA mv. The concept pics were so unfitting??? And just lacked that aesthetic element. I dint like them at all,,,, and the album cover was,,, below standard and looked rushed and lazily designed. But when serendipity came out I loved it (and I still do) so that fuelled my expectations for the music, even though they weren’t really that damaged by the odd first impression of the album. But then DNA came out and???? I was so disappointed?????? The beat was so annoying,,, the mv was so ugly,, the outfits were ugly,,, the lyrics were weird. In other words DNA was just a straight up flop... I hoped the rest of the album would have been better but,,,, it really, REALLY wasn’t.

After love yourself her I lost a lot of interest in bts. I missed their old music so much, and I was genuinely upset over it. I didn’t follow them as closely as I used to. I started to joke about them with my friends who lost interest in bts before me, but I still missed the old bts so much. The whole Ellen show thing, all the western media like Buzzfeed and Billboard making vids and articles about bts, all the rigged award shows, it pissed me off bc they were getting famous in the US bc of their worst album that didn’t display their full potential at all!!!!

Imma just go out and say it, armys are one of the most toxic fandoms ever.

Sometimes they’re just plain disrespectful and starting arguments where they don’t belong. I wouldn’t be able to count how many times I got attacked on Twitter, Instagram and even in the YouTube comments for expressing a different opinion. I remember all the fan wars and scandals. All the mobs at airports, All the times k-fans and i-fans tried to ruin another groups reputation (I’m not saying other fans never did this, bc it was always a thing, but it was never this extreme.) and the fuckin credit card thing oh my god,,,, a huge shitstorm caused by one fandom that lasts for years on end.

When bts got really mainstream, and gained more young western fans, they really ruined bts even further for me. Not to mention all the cringey tweets and memes, they hurt to look at. I absolutely don’t mind the “you got no jams” meme or the “ExCuSE mE” one, bc theyre just pure goof from the members, but when armys took it and overused it, that’s when it started to get annoying.

Some armys genuinely think bts is the only kpop group and that the world revolves around them. They comment “annyeonghaseyo any armys here???!!!” in the most unexpected places, I deadass saw someone on my overwatch team playing quick play with the name “army.FOREVER.saranghae” yall do realise it costs 10$ to change ur blizzard username, right?

Some armys also don’t respect other kpop groups in older gens (or any other ones for that matter) and assume that bts broke through into the western world themselves, which is complete bullshit, without groups like bigbang, shinee, tvxq, shinhwa, h.o.t,  seo taiji boys etc etc (and other ones I don’t know of rip) kpop would have never gotten into the western world.

I never identified as an army bc I knew they were cringey bc of my friends who were HUGE armys back in 2016 and low-key koreaboos, and I knew what the bad stans looked like, so I never associated with them, and just called myself a bts stan. But the whole western situation just got so goddamn worse. I was sick of the Americans plaguing bts for me.

I also wanna say, I know not all armys are toxic and cringey. And I respect the level headed and chill Armys, yall are doing it right.

Moving on from Armys, I noticed a change in bts themselves. Namjoon changed his stage name, which absolutely sent me. I understand the meaning behind it but for some reason I felt that he did it to be fake deep? Or woke, and that he tried to completely cover-up his past self. The other members became cocky and were always draped in all that ugly Gucci and designer shit. I knew they were being forced to act the way they were acting, bc I know them well. I know how they really are. I know that they’re good people. I know they’re very humble deep down. They had that special connection with their fans before, that made u feel like u were good friends with them, and they absolutely ruined that. They’re being forced to put on this fake image to impress you filthy Americans.

I still stan bts atm. But I stan them for their old music and the people they truly are, not who they are portrayed to be. I can’t remember when euphoria came out, but I was kinda annoyed they tried to incorporate hyyh prologue into their shitty concept. And the song was also annoying and too edm-ish (like most of their new songs, idk why their style completely changed). Anyway, when tear came out, I was still kinda off the bandwagon, and I saw the concept pics and I was surprised at how nice they were. I saw the album cover, which was still ugly but better than the previous one. Then Singularity came out and!!!!! I loved it a lot. And then fake love happened. Oof is all I have to say. But some songs on the album, were actually good. Like the truth untold, paradise and OUTRO TEAR. Outro tear will remain the best song in the love yourself trilogy.

I also feel that I have to acknowledge that for all the love yourself albums only the intro and outro were genuinely up to standard (except outro answer).

Then came love yourself answer and idol. When I found out they were collabing with niki minaj I lost it. The concept pics were ugly once again, it was supposed to a controversial comeback???? And??? It wasn’t. I’m honestly glad it wasn’t promoted.

I noticed a repetitiveness with songs on answer. The beat was off with the singing. It was all just a mess. I also noticed the amount of godddamn auto tune in the songs (eg, mic drop, fake love, idol, airplane pt.2 and others I can’t remember atm) all of bts’s old songs all sound unique and different, and they all had this “emotional” element to them, to elaborate on that, compare dna, fake love or idol to save me, I need u or young forever. Notice how dna, fake love and idol convey absolutely no emotion through the lyrics or the actual beat of the song, unlike save me, I need u or young forever, that literally have more sentimental/emotional value in the few English lines that are in the song then all of the lyrics in their 3 new title tracks combined. I think this is my most difficult point to explain bc different songs make people feel different things, but it’s no doubt that you can tell the difference between a song that’s made to appeal to the masses with no unique properties to a song that coveys deep emotion (whatever the emotion may be) through the beat, the lyrics and the sound of the vocals/rapping alike. Listen to intro nevermind, and then listen to go go and just try to tell me that im wrong.

Alos, bts seem to have incorporated auto tune into songs, especially on their vocalists. bts don’t need the auto tune bc they’re good vocalists. Also, I have to mention, the vocal line isn’t the “best” per say. they’re good vocalists but it’s nothing special. Seokjin is the best vocalist period. Jungkook’s voice is generic, and in recent songs he has been straining it to reach the notes. Taehyungs voice isn’t even that special, it’s just deep, and it only really suits ballads and R&B songs like singularity or butterfly. Jimin has a very nice voice, but again, it’s nothing extraordinary. I feel that Jin has the most vocal potential, and he doesn’t get to show it, he has this really unique voice, idk what it is about it that just??? I really love it. But to clarify, I’m not hating on their voices or saying there untalented, because they’re very talented, but most of vocal line gets too much credit. As for rap line, I think they’re one of bts’s strongest points. Namjoons style is so smooth and just overall good? It amazes me that he rapped so well over the years with a breathing problem. Hoseok is a good rapper too, his sound is unique and his adlibs add to that uniqueness in older songs, as for Yoongi, I genuinely think he’s one of the best rappers in the industry, it’s not about the speed element, it’s about his flow, his power, his emotion, everything about his rap is just amazing.

Now I wanna talk about the member’s individual popularity. The maknae line has the most stans, and quite frankly, their stans are the worst. Treat all of the members with the same love and respect. Sure, it’s perfectly fine to have a bias but to disregard the other members is just plain wrong.

Bts are human beings, first and foremost, and then there musicians second. They’re being made into media puppets and clout bait, which they absolutely don’t deserve. They deserve recognition for their good stuff, which they have PLENTY of.

All in all, I’m sick of the American attention. It’s cringey, annoying and unnecessary. Sure, bts deserve recognition but not that much of it!!!!!!

And they were being recognised for the wrong thing for fucks sake!!!! I didn’t like ANY of the new songs on answer. I only liked epiphany. And then I found out it wasn’t written by any of the members. Rip. Fans will unfortunately blindly follow, stream and like whatever they put out like blind sheep because it’s accustomed to them, bighit KNOW that they’ll make more money in America. They know no matter what bts put out, no matter how shit it is, fans will like it and itll be revenue for the company. And all the mobile games and the bt21??? Was so unnecessary?? Capitalism amirite? Quantity over quality. It’s the sad truth.

Armys tend to mix up criticism and hate. Although there is a very thin line between the two, there is a difference. Criticism is the analysis and judgement of the merits and faults of something. Hate is blind and unjustified. Hate is disliking something for no reason, or for a very invalid reason. So for example, saying; “I don’t like this apple because its bitter and im not a huge fan of bitter things” is fine to say, unlike, “FUCK THIS APPLE BECAUSE ITS BITTER, FUCK ALL APPLES” you know? It’s okay to dislike a group. It’s NOT okay to hate on a group. No one’s is going to gain anything by hate.

So, all the youtubers are reacting to bts for clout, the fandom is a fucking mess, armys are attacking other fandoms for no reason, the members lost their TRUE humbleness and neglected their real personalities and they’ve put out 3 overall bad standard albums over the course of a whole ass year.

But I still have this spark of hope for them. Why? Because I love them, they have a special place in my heart. I know they have the potential to be amazing, unique and just overall good people with their own personalities, and truly special musical abilities.

After their tour I honestly, really hope the attention dies down and they put out another good, original, album like the hyyh albums, with nice concepts, good songs, and a pleasant to look at mv. It’s really all I ask for. The old bts. I know I’ll never get them back, and I absolutely cherish their old stuff, like the bulletproof logo, bangtan boys, rap monster, hyyh, young forever, no more dream, wings, them all goofing around together and not caring about their image, their wholesome interactions with fans, and all the songs and concepts and theories that never have, and never will be recognised.

On a final note, I realise I can’t blame bts themselves entirely for this. This stuff is only partially “their fault”. Its bighit’s fault, the army’s and haters fault and the media’s fault. But, America is to blame the most. That’s all for today.