to meee :3 akechi and sumire arent exactly friends throughout january, (they only get really close several years later) but as a side effect of neither having anything better to do and the two constantly haunting kichijoji i think they inevitably fall together more often than not. ren takes sumire out for darts and shes weirdly better than she was last time (sidebar but the fact that sumire and akechi both mimic your throws but sumire sucks shit at darts too much for it to do any good is so cute) and shes like oh yeah akechi-san has been teaching me. oh wow i got a forty! unaware of the way she just blew rens mind.

i loooove having a weird secret gender

it's funny that now that i don't really have much about my body to be dysphoric about my brain makes up psychological dysphoria and it's so dumb

First reprimand for shitty customer service <3. Well first one that wasnt just just my boss laughing and saying a local famous person accused me of stealing their wallet [left it on a shelf].

I think the nice thing is that I was not violently angry today like I was yesterday. I was just #SadboyHours for nearly my entire shift bc I was on shift alone for most of it, and that is not very fun on new years day :(

trying not to be unjustifably angry that my professor is still in this room when i was waiting to project the rest of bottoms on the screen in the dark by myself. king...

yall ever just like. 🙃

One day you will reach a point where someone will misgender you and instead of feeling the jab of disappointment or fear or mockery, you will only feel confusion or bewilderment or even just...nothing, whether you correct them or not. And you will realize how far you've come, and how resilient you've grown, how much comfortable you are in your own skin.

yknow i try to ignore the thoughts about possibly having dyscalculia but every time i think about it i just wonder, why are people so unwilling to hear me out on it?

.

until last year i stayed friends with a grand total of One (1) friend i knew in high school and now. i have finally stopped talking to that friend. it is sooooo so nice to romanticize longevity and history and wow they have always been there but there's a point where it's like.

it is so embarrassing so i haven't talked about it because it's really like, fully pathetic, but i saw them the first time recently bc i hadn't seen any rl friends bc i had a years long slump where i just kind of took up space at home and i was embarrassed about it but i got my life together again last summer and i was like okay, i can respond to the question "how are you doing?" without breaking down into tears, and my friend did express interest in seeing me again and i really wanted to see them. so i saw them a while ago and i had fun and i was so happy and i was so grateful to still have this connection after all these years, after all the ways i've been and my colorful history, and i just. their birthday was about a month later and really extremely uncharacteristically of me i remembered, and i ordered them a weird little personal birthday tchotchke off etsy and got them a michaels gift card and hit them up like. happy birthday we should hang out soon on the day of and it was all very nice. i didn't expect something soon nor did i care too much. but a couple months ago when twitter was gonna implode i followed them on insta (even though i deleted my personal insta because i know personal instas only teach me things about people i don't want to know) and as a consequence of that i learned that my friend was not able to see me because i was not invited to their birthday thing. which was with a friend of theirs i kind of know and an old close friend from high school i lost touch with but asked about and sjdfhsdf. literally expressed interest in the time i just saw them.

DO YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THAT IS........JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT IT..........LIKE I AM A KICKED PUPPY. I AM 24.....I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE............I AM A UNION MEMBER........AND I GOT REALLY EXCITED ABOUT MY FRIENDS BIRTHDAY AND I WASN'T INVITED TO THE PARTY...........

and you know there are probably actual reasons. i burned bridges with people in high school that they liked more than me, and i am too mature to care about who likes more than whoever now, and it is too insane to hold things from high school against them now that i am 24 and have regular cardiologist appointments. but it is also like. how many times do i have to die. i have grown past so many things the last three years that i thought i could never overcome and i can't, i don't want to, grow into someone who is mature enough to hold someone who's been important to me since i was 14 at arms length so it doesn't hurt when they inevitably drop me. currently, i commute an hour in the wrong direction so i can be on the same train as a work friend and i am aware the energy is insane but it is my energy and giving it and getting good things from it is like. this is better for my personal development than whichever way the other direction goes.

and it's like i don't even blame my friend from high school for how they feel about me because i was insane in a bad way in high school and i've done enough it's like. whatever. but it's like, also, when it's like, yeah this was half of the two people who permanently messed you up to the point people still are like "hey i didn't see you there. come over and say hi next time" when i avoid them because they're talking to someone else, who watched your friend group make a group chat and hang out together with everyone except you and didn't say anything and you were grateful they still threw you the bone to hang out one on one and it's like. i'm not. i don't really hold it against them, it was years ago, i don't think about those people anymore and yes i am still weird in many ways but for other reasons as well, but there is like. a very huge lack of pattern recognition and failure to learn and it is absolutely. my fault. when you put it like oh the person who killed me a thousand times throughout high school and college still has the power to kill me now and sometimes will? VERY OBVIOUSLY I AM THE PROBLEM.......i can't play high school anymore i have to play Being At Work and Surviving Capitalism Despite Everything, Did You Know I Am 24

anyway i decided to just quietly softblock my friend on everything, unfriend on discord, remove myself from the situation when there wasn't really an inciting event so i could just kind of fade out. but i did just find out that my friend did notice, and blocked me on twitter without saying a word -- which you know, is fine and understandable, because i did do all of that first. but what a metaphor you know. that is what the years of friendship are, and that they have stacked up this much to still hurt me is my fault. but hopefully for the last time.

sick and twisted

i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans

when I tell you guys that I am *pinches my fingers* this close to stealing the black cat on didney property. he's around the hotel where I am (he's 8years old!!!), I see him almost every lunch. I told the security guard I'd steal him if I could to which the guard said "do it. take him home" aksjfa bUT MY DILEMMA,, YOU SEE,, I live with my family therefore they have their restrictions on animals. so.

i think... I'll be venturing on my own soon. idk. but I am gonna try. for my boys and potentially mister at the hotel (there's another cat who he hangs out with and i'd feel bad to leave that one out. you see my dilemma?)

i keep thinking about how like if i were 10ish years younger and figuring out my gender shit in this current climate i genuinely might not have allowed myself to come to the same conclusions i did as a teenager. like so much of my transness is about choosing to be this way because it feels right and makes me happy, and i had a community both online and to some degree in person that affirmed that, and its not that that community isnt still around but i just dont know if it wouldve felt worth it. like i want to be an obviously and visibly queer gnc transfag i LOVE that about myself but its a journey i started when i was 15 and if i had to start that journey NOW i think it would be a lot fucking scarier. and of course thats the whole point, to scare people away from every coming out or even fully considering the possibility of being trans

being an out at school but pre-transition-cause-family-doesn’t-know trans guy who also has a more conservative family very big on social expectations and ALSO being weirdly gender non conforming and theatrical but also getting really bad dysphoria and wanting to just look like Some Cool Guy is extremely hard i must say. i also go to a catholic school so y’know. it’s worse

okay now that manager is gone, I have to wait for coworker to get here bc idk if the alarm is set or not bc I still don't have a code to shut it off and I am not dealing with that this morning