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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

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sherlock holmes reactions part 4 (?) ive lost count already but unsurprisingly ive grown even more attached to him

using this as the cover image because i made him a playlist. cause im awful

no legit this is gonna need a read more because it's SO LONG SHIHEWIESHEFSHIEWHF

Had three mental breakdowns this week and realized i do in fact kin sherlock motherfucking holmes. this does not bode well for anything in my life mentally I've diagnosed him with so many things

Oh boy lol you want the list I think hes autistic (undisputed honestly) plus also adhd but on top of that there's the manic depression and uhhh the bpd lmao I dont even think that's it those are just. the obvious ones

But yeah man's a fucking mess and a shit person but in the same way as me so 👍

Some highlights I thought were very funny:

watson: we are in fact going to be waltzing into a place where people are Shooting People you do not have your gun. this is a problem

sherlock: don't worry watson I have my trusty stick!

watson: visible pain

This clearly happens like every day or so with them

but yeah there were some really honestly sweet scenes with them at the apartment and why am i getting soft over the crusty man being gay

have you considered tho. have you considered them

have you considered sherlock, who usually only plays absolute garbage on his violin serenading watson to sleep when he was tired and in pain and watson being so fucking in love with the man and waxing poetic about falling asleep to his music and waking up to see him fallen asleep on the couch next to him and oh my god them

They're just really sweet together for such a completely dysfunctional couple so much of the time lol I just. Sherlock being like.

Sherlock half of the time: watson you're fucking stupid. no i won't take care of my personal needs stfu. watson get a goddamn life. watson shut up. watson no one cares about your goddamn opinion. no i need to disturb you in the middle of the night it's for science. hey watson mind if i manipulate mansplain malewife

Sherlock the other half of the time: HELLO SIR YOU ARE MY FAVORITE MAN TO EVER MAN HELLO MAY I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU HELLO I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WE ARE PERFECT MATCHES I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME PLEASE MARRY ME

They're... they certainly are.

ALSO OH MY GOD.

THIS ONE TIME WHEN SHERLOCK WAS JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM AT 3 AM GOING "IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE >:(((" AND HUDSON LIKE BARGED IN TO COMPLAIN AND THEN WATSON WAS LIKE DUDE YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AND PROCEEDS TO SAY THE LINE "YOU ARE KNOCKING YOURSELF UP, OLD MAN"

BAHGHSFHGRHEWHEWHIFEW

BRB SOBBING

CALLING HIM AN OLD MAN???? KNOCKING HIMSELF UP?? I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

The main highlight of this part was I have now gotten to see him have a great time watching his homo homie get married

Its so fucking funny.......

I was prepared for a funny reaction by yuumori sherlock's face when he said it lol but. Damn i was really not prepared tbh

watson: I'm engaged!

sherlock: *pained groaning*

watson: do you... not like her?

sherlock: no she's fine she's great you'll be wonderful together bUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE HETEROSEXUAL WATSON DO I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF THEN WATSON? ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME MARRY MYSELF.

watson: yeah... yeah... fair, I feel really bad because you did this whole case and I got a girlfriend out of it and all you got was me leaving you alone fuck man im sorry what are you gonna do without me

sherlock, highly sarcastic: dont worry watson I've always got my handy cocaine! *pulls it out and gets high in front of watson just as he's about to leave*

watson: *in fucking agony*

sherlock: good for you!

I DONT EVEN- THIS SCENE KILLED ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER WHAT

ITS SO GODDAMN NONCHELANT ABOUT IT SHERLOCK IS JUST LIKE YEAH I WILL IN FACT NOT BE MENTALLY HEALTHY IF YOU ARE NOT WITH ME 24/7 BUT WHATEVER YOU DO YOU /S

I'd like to apologize to watson on sherlock's behalf lmao. man is being a bit too codependent on main

The last thing about sign of four I do need to address is yeah, there's the Horrific Amounts Of Racism in that one and the whiplash hearing it is just ridiculous because they seem to be so knowledgeable in all other areas and fairly... politically correct, taking sherlock's original misogyny as a purposeful character flaw, but then they just mention someone indigenous once and suddenly its all parrotting racist propaganda and just... really awful shit. There's no way I'm gonna speak for the group that just got absolutely hate crimed here but anyone can tell the author just has no clue what he's fucking talking about and it's physically painful.

And I don't know, it's just so bad it seems out of character? Doyle's making these motherfuckers say shit that honestly, Sherlock would know better about. And especially Watson. Come on, you cannot tell me watson is mentally capable of being prejudiced against someone. Please do not make him that way.

I'm not sure how to handle it specifically, or what's the proper way I should handle something like that in a media I otherwise like. Is it ok to say Doyle was clearly a piece of shit on the matter and separate those characters from his bias or is that insensitive?

I don't know, I was Not a fan of it and I'm glad to see they've at least finally shut up about the guy

But anyway yeah, uhhhh onto the short stories because I'm trying to read those before I get to the final problem

Scandal in Bohemia was a fucking ride, first of all, before we even get to Sherlock's girlboss arc we have to discuss how gay the whole situation was and how Doyle's attempt at making them less gay failed spectacularly

Like he's all "ah yes I need to marry off watson and uhhh make sherlock ummmm interact with a woman so they dont look gay" but he does it SO BADLY that it makes them look EVEN GAYER

cause i mean, even the conversation they had about watson getting married back in sign of four was gay af, but how Doyle handled things afterward was in no way straighter.

Cause you know, the man kind of wrote himself into a corner with the fact of Watson narrating these stories. So Watson has to be around to witness them, and to witness Sherlock's own thought process rather privately, so he has to be around sherlock at night, a lot. But trying to come up with a reason for that happening just... it didn't occur to Doyle. He just went. Ah yes this makes sense. And it's Watson just like Sleeping Over At Sherlock's like every other goddamn day and every time his wife leaves town and having them basically still live that cute domestic home life but they have absolutely no excuses for doing it anymore. It's quite funny

Like it was gay already the way they interacted when they officially lived together but it was like, a necessity for them. Now it's not, Watson just comes over because he goddamn wants to, and it's hilarious to me.

LIKE IDK I THINK THEY KIND OF BROKE UP FOR A YEAR OR SO BC OF WATSON GETTING MARRIED AND THEY LIKE DONT HAVE CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT ONE DAY WATSON JUST INEXPLICABLY HAS THE URGE TO COME VISIT SHERLOCK ON NO NOTICE AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TOGETHER NEAR 24/7 AGAIN LIKE BARELY ANYTHING CHANGED AHIEHOEWH

SIT DOWN AND TRY TO TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS

Watson walks in on no fucking notice after a full year and Sherlock is just. In the middle of some experiment obviously but hes like

Sherlock, carrying around unidenfiable chemical mixtures: W A T S O N you look good you look good! i see you've gained seven pounds!!

watson: uh. thanks??? Hey lol *awkwardly waves* Uh um Wanted to Uhm sEe you

Sherlock: ABOUT gODDAMN TIME AND YES WONDERFUL LOOK LOOK SIT DOWN I HAVE THINGS TO INFODUMP ABOUT

watson: :) ok :) *turns to camera* and we were back to the old days

sherlock: makes a deduction

watson: wowwwwwwwwwwww !! so true bestie !!

sherlock: !!!!!!!!! :))) !!!!! :))) uh fuck im supposed to be smooth Its Elementary Lol

watson: *turns to camera* when i stroke his ego like this and compliment him he blushes like a girl like i just complimented his dress so i do it more because he likes it. this is a homie trait

watson: well i should probably get going! my wife will notice that i am gone my dear buddy bro homie!

sherlock: NO DONT LEAVE IM LOST WITHOUT YOU (pretty much a direct quote lol) your. wife doesn't. get back home until monday. I know this because I am smart and definitely have not been stalking you.

watson: alright :)))))

AND THEN HE FUCKING SLEEPS OVER LMAO FUCKING HOMOS

So yeah they're right back where they were before pretty much and there's a case bc of course there is

And honestly I think this short story specifically was so insane mostly just because of how absolutely fast it all went. Yuumori kind of made me believe the original Irene Adler was more of an important character than she really is? And I think that's. Honestly so funny. Motherfucker shows up for ten pages, girlbosses her way around town, and changes sherlock's entire opinion of the female gender while still keeping him gay?

LIKE NO LOL SHES NOT IN ANY WAY A LOVE INTEREST AND WATSON GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO SPECIFY THE FACT THAT IN NO WORLD WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE. SHERLOCK. DIDN'T DATE WOMEN.

HE WAS JUST??? SO IMPRESSED AND SHELL SHOCKED BY HER EXISTENCE HE DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR GIRLBOSS APPRECIATION DAY TODAY AND ALL DAYS HENCEFORTH???

AND THEY HAVE LIKE O N E INTERACTION?? God, the power this woman(?) has. Watson looks at her once like. damb shawty 😳 and she's like "no<3" and he's like FUCK

Like yeah it's pretty much just the king walking up like "help girl the whore is blackmailing me" and sherlock being like "ok lol this will be easy" and then it proceeded to not in fact be easy or even possible

sherlock like... posed as a dead body and tried to get her to give up the location of the photo but she out-acted him and skipped the town the next day after doing the 'good night mr. sherlock holmes' thing with sherlock completely tricked

and she just. sends a letter like "dear sherlock holmes. you're a fucking idiot and i think it's funny that you lost. nice job tho mad respect" and sherlock just SHORT CIRCUITS

the king comes back a bit later like "hey Dude where's my Photo" and sherlock's like oh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhh about that and the king is like HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN THAT GODDAMN HARD i would have dated someone more noble if she wasn't so pretty i swear im on a whole different level from her

and then. GIRLBOSSIFIED SHERLOCK HOLMES RESPONDS "from what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level from your majesty" ABSEHHESHEFHHFES ROASTED

and the dude just LEAVES

After that I read a few more of the short stories and well the highlights I got from that pretty much were these conversations

Watson: sherlock. honey. have you. eaten anything today

Sherlock: IT DIDNT OCCUR TO ME DEAR WATSON

Watson: ITS FIVE PM

and:

Sherlock: *having one of his Moment Moments at three in the goddamn mornig* GRRRR CRIME ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Watson: MY DEAR SHERCOCK WHAT IS CRIME S U P P O S E D TO BE LIKE ACCORDING TO YOU

Sherlock: no one's original anymore fucking copycats

Watson: so you want the criminals to make things harder for you specifically.

Sherlock, exasperated: yes!

I love them your honor.

#rowan's hyperfixation essays #rowan screams into the void #rowan views moriarty #sherlock holmes

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beeschurgerboy · 3 years

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Body headcannons if you haven't done them already? Could be Rusame, or any other characters you feel like.

AHHHHHHHHHH I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SEE THIS IM SO SORRY HFJCGYV I saw the notif but never saw it again my bad- (next time I know where to look) But ye body headcannons! Imma do the allies first as I focus on them most --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alfred: I see him as lithe but a lil beefy in modern day, especially as exercise routines and diets become more refined. (but he doesnt have a six pack- and has a lil belly still, as it should be) When in the summer or just hotter parts of the US he gets tans and a smatter of freckles, the kind that fade when you get pale again. I’m sayin he’s about 5′8″-5′9″ Arthur: OLD MAN ALERT- Well he still looks 23 but shhhhh I’d say he’s the skinniest but still masculine, with a bit of light body hair. He doesn’t work out much- He’s never really needed to, he’s always had a fast metabolism so its never really been a problem. He is PALE, as expected. He has some very faint freckles, and if he were tanned they would likely be more visible. Prob 5′6″-5′6″1/2 Francis: He has a work a bit to look as youthful as the rest with just a slightly older phsyical age but he does great! You can probably see some sort of wrinkle on his face when he lacks makeup or is especially stressed He is a smidge the littlest bit- Curvy. Not very tho He has plenty of body hair and keeps it or waxes it as he pleases, it grows back quick anyways so its really up to him. He tries to keep a bit of natural tan and refuses to go to tanning booths, which to him ‘make him look like a certain American president.’ Same as Iggy Matthew: He resembles Alfred a lot but lacking freckles, being much more pale, having more body hair, and actually having a bit more heaviness to his body- Its not very noticeable tho Same as Alfred but a lil taller China (I’m still not sure which part of his name to put first so I’ll just put China until I am): Hes the shortest out of them all and somewhat androgenous, but more on the obvious masculine side He has almost no body hair, and is more on the pale side as well, preferring to sit in the shade than the sun He’s a bit shorter than Arthur and Francis Ivan: A bunch of body hair and winter fat- But it doesnt make him weak He just seems like hes fat, but hes actually full of true weight lifter strength, not the kind that male models usually have He has lots of scars and rough hands, but lately theyve been softer with moisturizer and care Very pale and squishable He’s about 6′7″ maybe more

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noodlefools · 4 years

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so i thought of some prompts for the akatsuki sex dungeon au. some of these are lame, im sorry but like! i hope 2 spark your imagination

-Sasori domming Hidan and he shows up late which makes Sas go extra hard on him (bonus if you’re gross like me and hidan rlly has to pee and sas won’t let him go bc he shoulda done that when he was wasting his time earlier)

-sas and hidan again but this time hidan does a ritual with sasori’s blood so he can like, masturbate but using hidan’s body (bonus if sasori actually uses someone else’s blood (consensually!!) and they’re somewhere else squirming)

-itachi wants someone to dom him hard (objectification, pain play etc) but whoever’s domming him is v gentle with him

-alternatively they do as itachi asks but the aftercare is very fluffy

-i don’t have ideas for characters for this one but dom makes sub wear a plug/vibrator/chastity device or smth around the base/to a meeting/around the other akatsuki members, out to dinner, and/or during sparring

-Kisame just being the most playful, cheery guy as he edges someone within an inch of their life

-(already writing a version of this but) hidan and deidara physically fighting over who gets to dom and the winner choosing the most embarrassing punishments for the loser

-Kakuzu, Kisame, Sasori and/or Konan doing full suspension shibari on someone

-Kisame, Konan, Sasori, or any combination therein domming Kakuzu (i think he would like the giving up control thing but he’s a very anxious man so he’d probably need an extra person to keep tabs on where he is emotionally and just like, make him feel safe—he’s sitting on Kisame’s lap or smth as Konan works him over)

-kakuzu/kisame pet play scene. level 1 is kisame acts like a dog level 2 is they fill up the bathtub and he acts like a puppy-like shark

-itachi, fire, wax, and feathers

-someone domming tobi oh god. does he break character? does he just annoy the heck out of his dom? does he even count as a brat? depends on if u know that’s not how he actually acts idk. how do you gag this man!

-binding the sub up and stuffing/force feeding them. this one is specifically for me. pls do it

i might add more to this list if i think of things, again im bad at uhhh having an imagination and doing things in general

#akatsuki #akatsuki sex dungeon au #smut prompts #naruto prompts #xx writes

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jungblue · 6 years

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To the anon asking about reading smut and getting wet, it's all about preference. Some need videos and others need gifs with a caption or need to read. I'm the same way, I read smut and yup, lol. It's all just what turns you on.

yeah everyone enjoys different things!

Anonymous said: how long does it usually take for someone to come? just curious because I haven’t been able to yet—

it depends. if it’s with a vibrator i can do it in like 3 minutes if i want to lol. but building up feels better in the long run, so i usually don’t go for it that quickly. as for hands hmm i’d say it takes like 10 mins or so? but it all depends on how aroused i am

Anonymous said: hi i need some period advice! whenever i get my period, i tend to get a uti a short time after. any way to prevent? also, the "pee after sex" thing, does that apply to masturbation as well? thanks in advance :,)

hmm the uti after your period thing sounds like something that you should definitely see a doctor for since it happens so frequently. maybe they could figure out what’s going on. but as for the masturbation thing they do say that you should pee after that as well to clear any of the bacteria out

Anonymous said: Just because you haven't lost your virginity doesn't make you any less of a person. It's best not to rush into things and regret it later on in your life. The right time and person is still out there but more than that, make sure you're aware of the possible consequences and basics of sex. Like never go in dry and always, ALWAYS make sure it's consensual from both parties. There's so much more and like I said, it's better to be safe than sorry!

yeah it was like i said before, there’s no need to rush into things just bc you feel like it’s what you should do. just do what is comfortable for you!

Anonymous said: I saw that some people were divulging their sex problems/questions and im just curious like how are you supposed to shave down there? Like do you wax or use a razor like im lost. Cause i feel like when it comes time for me to actually lose my virginity i dont want to be like hairy cause i feel like alot of people would find that unattractive x.x

well firstly i’d just say that you don’t have to shave if you don’t want to. i do but that’s just bc i like that look plus i just feel clean after a good full body shave lol. but that’s just my personal preference. like actually my ex asked me once before if i wouldn’t shave bc he liked the look of some hair. same for some people who don’t like it when guys are fully shaved. really in the end everyone has different preferences but it’s up to the person themselves what they prefer. but anyways after that long tangent lol. i personally shave with a razor bc waxing scares me. i cry when i get my eyebrows done lol. but for razor tips just make sure it has as many blades as you can get bc that’s a closer shave. shave in the same direction as the hair growth to prevent friction and razor bumps. there’s loads of videos on youtube about all the proper ways to do it if you’re interested!

Anonymous said: Full disclosure I one time got a UTI from masturbating with a dildo and forgetting to pee after so pls don’t be dumb like me and pee after penetration

that and also remember to clean your sex toys!

Anonymous said: Hi! I've kinda gained the confidence to actually ask this, even if it seems really weird, since people have been asking sex related stuff, I'm asexual personally, so I haven't felt sexual attraction and generally only read smut if it's by one of my fave writers, gotta get that content man, but anyway, I'm a female and I've always masturbated in the shower , we have a detachable showerhead, using the high water pressure and rubbing myself just doesn't feel nearly as good anymore, is this weird?

no it’s completely normal for things to become less intense over time. like this is just an example, but the first time someone gets eaten out it’s a completely new sensation right, and maybe it doesn’t take them very long to orgasm. but as they get more acclimated to it, it tends to slow down a little bit unfortunately. and that’s similar with anything. though there is the upside that if you don’t experience that sensation for a while and then return to it, the intensity will return to some degree due to you not having felt it in a while

#blue blabs

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mvssmallow · 6 years

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Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part II: …of swimming pools

Masterlist

Everyone tells them that she has his dimples and eyes but every time he looks at her face, all he can see is Jiwon’s toothy smile and cheeky smirk. They paint her room pale blue but her shoes are always red, like the shade of shiny ripe apples.

****

He tells himself, time after time, not to take anything for granted. And he doesn’t. Not Jiwon’s undivided attention, or how he always asks for advice (as if there weren’t more qualified people in his life to give them), or texts and phone calls about nothing. On top of that list is waking up next to that familiar warm body with all it’s reassuring weight, living and breathing beside him.

He knows that soon enough, in the not too distant future, all these things will fade and become few and far between. He knows it’s coming, like stormclouds on the horizon. But you can’t get on top of the mountain without shedding a few things. Sacrifices and compromises will have to be made and if he has to be the one doing most of that, so be it.

I guess that’s what you get for being in love with someone so amazing.

It’s so easy to love Jiwon in his mind and in his heart but it’s still difficult to say it out loud, he doesn’t pretend that it’s getting easier as the months go by, because it doesn’t. If anything, it’s even worse because the stakes keep getting higher and higher.

Love is for crazy people. Crazy brave people. He doesn’t want to admit that it’s hard but it is. Acknowledging all their feelings makes everything real. To accept that he’s in love is to accept that he’s now got a weakness and responsibility. To be attached to someone is to leave yourself vulnerable to the possibility that they might one day leave. But it’s all or nothing, he can’t have all the good parts without accepting the bad. Love takes all kinds of courage. There’s no bravery in being alone, there’s just survival, which isn’t the same thing. Before Jiwon, he’s pretty sure he wasn’t living at all, just merely surviving.

Maybe Jiwon’s trip to Japan wasn’t such a bad thing. He can get used to being alone again and wean himself off needing Jiwon so much. Not that he wants to admit that either but one day, he won’t get to decide anymore. He won’t be in control of their lives and wanting Jiwon won’t be as easy as just reaching out across some crumpled sheets and wordlessly demanding it. At some point, he won’t be the most important thing in Jiwon’s life and he’ll have to wait for the sun to shine his way, like everyone else.

Right on cue, as if Jiwon heard him waking up, a text message buzzes on his phone.

[morning baby, its freezing here! its gonna be sunny in sk tho]

[thnx for packing the coat, wearin it now]

Yeah, he’s going to miss this so much one day, especially being called baby. Nobody has ever called him that before. He hates it; how much he loves hearing it. Yes, call me baby. I am your baby.

[hey, you’re welcome. How are you feeling? How’s the hangover?]

[im ok. headache tho]

[did you take the tablets I packed?]

[yeah i did, thanks]

[wish i was there with you]

[you are]

[what?]

[took you with me]

There’s a photo that loads on his screen. It’s all the layers of clothes on Jiwon’s chest: a pink t-shirt underneath a familiar gray hoody underneath that caramel coloured coat that they both share.

He knows what Jiwon’s doing, the implication and explanation coming in a photo because he can’t articulate it in a text message. It fills him with so much fondness that his chest constricts violently and he can feels the start of a tear in the corner of his eye. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?

[great, now what am I supposed to wear?]

[lol idk go naked]

[south korea isn’t ready for that]

[haha! you can practice when i come back, ok?]

[you wish]

[i do actually]

[shut up Jiwon]

[lol, i gotta go. Jin’s glaring at me]

[Good Luck with your meeting]

[Thanks baby. Love you. xj]

[You too. xxh]

[have a good day]

[go to your meeting, you loser]

[say something nice at least]

[ok, how’s this: I’ll be thinking of you and I hope something good happens to you today.]

[yeah, not bad, whatever. talk to you later]

[JIWON!]

[lol jk jk. I miss you. Have a good day baby, do something crazy]

He can’t stop smiling after that. What would Murakami write about him right now? Laying naked in bed with the sun streaming through his curtains, smiling like an idiot at his ceiling. Is this what contentment feels like?

He reads Jiwon’s last message again and scrolls through all the photos that Jiwon has sent him from Japan. He scrolls so far back that he lands on a photo of his little sister, holding her ballet trophy proudly. He hasn’t seen her in a long time, too long really, and no matter what he does, there’s no ignoring the guilt.

His self esteem is managable at best and diabolical at it’s worst. He doesn’t want to be one of those guys who constantly waxes lyrical about love but in all honesty, it really does heal a lot of things, some that he didn’t even know were broken in the first place. Jiwon’s love is no ordinary love though, it must be the extra-strength-triple-fortified-eternally-lasting kind because it gives him courage at times when he has none.

His sister is still smiling at him through his phone screen and before he really knows what he’s doing, his fingers have already hit the dial button.

“Hanbin?”

“Hi mum.”

Yeah, love might give you courage but it takes a crazy kind of courage to get involved with it in the first place.

****

He fingers the soft gray fabric of Hanbin’s hoody and tries not to feel completely underdressed in the room full of slick designer rappers. Clothes don’t mean shit. He knows that but there’s no escaping Jin’s sigh when he climbs into the car and the fact that he looks like the odd one out.

Doc McKinney was surrounded by a crowd 3 people deep. The meeting is over in an anti-climatic ten minutes. Everyone wanted to meet the famous american producer and on the hierarchy of importance, he was right at the bottom. He might be known in Seoul’s underground rap scene but here, he was just another fish in an even bigger ocean. He’s not entirely sure why Beatbox wanted him to go because Doc Mckinney doesn’t even know who he is but at least they could speak English and ended up talking about Bob Marley. That was something.

He’s standing at one of the big windows afterwards, trying to take a photo of the Tokyo skyline to send home, thinking of how much he wants to take Hanbin here one day.

“Korean?”

He turns to his left to see a tall thin man with long black hair, a straggly beard and thick glasses. He doesn’t remember meeting him but there’s something in that voice that he recognises. The stranger doesn’t even look at him, preferring just to stare out the window.

“Yes?” He replies, both curious and cautious.

“Get dressed in the dark this morning, kid?”

He looks down at his outfit and yeah, okay, he really did get dressed in the dark this morning. It doesn’t stop him from feeling defensive about Hanbin’s grey hoodie and their caramel coloured coat. Who does this guy think he is?

“Excuse me? I don’t-”

There’s a quite snort next to him. “Relax. You look fine. Stood out like a sore thumb though didn’t you? In that sea of Supreme? Couldn’t tell one guy from the other.”

“Oh, I guess?”

“What’s with all the pink? Your girlfriend dress you? ”

He smiles at his reflection in the glass window. “Yeah, something like that.”

“What company you with?”

“Beatbox.”

“Ahh, Jin. He’s been looking for his Neo all these years. I’m surprised he didn’t dress you up himself.” The guy chuckles. “Must have a lot of faith in you to bring you all the way here for a pointless trip.”

He’s just about protest when the guy turns to face him with a pensive look on his face. “They treating you alright? You gotta watch out for these big companies.”

Whatever he was about to say gets swallowed back down, his mouth opening and closing comically to the point where he gets laughed at again. He doesn’t have much of a temper but there are time where it grates on his nerves a little too much. But even then, he wasn’t raised by wolves, his mother did teach him some manners and he doesn’t want to let Hanbin down by burning any bridges.

“Yeah, things have been good so far.” He kicks himself, unsure what the protocol is when a stranger asks him about Beatbox. This was one thing that Jin hadn’t finish coaching him on. “I haven’t released anything yet though.”

There’s another laugh followed by the shake of a head. “Yeah, he’s really putting all his money and reputation on you, huh? Smart guy though. Indie company mentality with corporate company ambitions and money. Just don’t let them blindside you guys.”

He’s seen those eyes before, the watery thoughtfulness that always looks like it’s watching and reading you the entire time. And that voice…..he knows that voice. Why can’t he place it?

“Sorry, have we met?”

The guy shrugs. “Doubt it, kid. What’s your name?”

“Jiwon.”

“That your rap name?”

“No…no, it’s Bobby.”

“Of course it is.” The guy smiles but doesn’t bother to introduce himself. “How are you liking Japan?”

This entire conversation was like a car driving in and out of traffic; constantly changing lanes, veering sharp lefts and abrupt rights. He has no idea where it’s going or what the agenda is. It’s almost like talking to Hanbin.

And just like that, his focus shifts back to South Korea, where it’s sunny, and to that pokey little apartment, where there’s a sleepy neurotic writer still tangled in their sheets. His fingers come up to absentmindedly smooth over the soft fabric of his coat.

“It’s really nice. Kind of a waste to be here for business in some ways.” He laughs. “Wish the person who dressed me was here.”

“Ahhh.” The Guy says quietly, like he understands the context. Maybe he does. “Well. Work hard. Write often. Learn everything, especially when to shut up. Don’t let anybody change the part of you that makes you you. That’s always the first thing they’ll try to do. But I got a good feeling about you, kid. Put in the work and maybe next time you’re here, you can bring that girl of yours.”

He wants to correct the assumption but there’s someone calling him.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, kid. I’ll see you around.”

There’s a brief pat on his back before the Guy disappears through the sea of Supreme again.

Jin eventually catches up with him. “Who were you talking to?”

“I have no idea.” He says earnestly. He really had no idea and maybe he just hallucinated some kind of rap yoda. God, he needs either caffeine or sleep.

No such luck. Jin has him sitting through another meeting with a smaller company this time and as tired as he is, he hears the words of Rap Yoda and Hanbin echoing in his ears. He doesn’t really want to be there but he’s going to act like he does. Hanbin would probably find out if he’s slacking off and kick his ass when he gets back home.

So he turns on the charm, laying it so thick that no-one will ever forget that they met him. Jin and the team seem happy, so he guesses he’s doing something right. They eat at some barbecue joint that serves ice cold Asahi. He wants to avoid more alcohol but chicken without beer is like Jiwon without Hanbin and that just goes against the laws of the Universe.

Everywhere they walk is just another place he wants to show Hanbin one day. The tiny hedgehog cafe (with real live hedgehogs!). The waffle shop that makes dog shaped desserts. The toy store with a life sized Rilakuma at the entrance. The endless bookstores with original Murakami and scrolls of beautiful traditional brush calligraphy on the walls. The parks lined with cherry blossom trees and ivy.

He takes photos of everything and sends them all to Hanbin’s phone.

****

He feels like a stranger knocking on the dark red door and he feels like it was a lifetime ago that he used to live here. They were a happy family once, so he knows it’s possible but he doesn’t know if they will ever be like that again. Some wounds are just too deep.

But there was always his sister. She has nothing to do with all their mess and deserves some kind of normalcy. And it’s really that thought that drove him here today. Maybe his relationship with his parents will never go back to normal but at least he still has his sister.

“HANBIN!!” He hears her before he sees her and for all her ballerina’s grace, she has the tendency to crash into him at 100kph and hang off his neck like she was still 5 years old. He’s glad that hasn’t changed.

“Hey Peanut.” He smiles, half breathless by the tiny monster truck that just crashed into him. “Missed me?”

Hanbyul lets go and grimaces, her words directly contradicting her actions. “No.”

“Yeah sure.” He chuckles and flicks one of her ponytails. “Did mum tell you why I’m here?”

“She just said you were visiting.” Hanbyul says, eyes inquisitive but with a shade of melancholy that shouldn’t be natural at her age. “Are you visiting? Are they still mad at you?”

He sighs inwardly, telling himself to keep it together. When he spoke to his mother this morning, the request was simple: he just wanted to take his sister out for the day. But like everything that seems to happen in their family, a simple request can turn into a drama production.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna go talk to them for a bit. I’m come get you after okay?”

She’s 9 years old now but when he leaves her standing in their hallway, she still looks like the toddler that he remembers following him around everywhere.

He doesn’t have to search very far for his parents, they’re both in the kitchen table when he walks in, his mum pouring tea (like he was some kind of guest) and his dad sitting at the table with a grave look on his face (like someone died).

“Hi. Mum…..dad….” He greets them awkwardly.

“Hanbin, come in. Sit sit.” At least his mum was trying to be kind. He feels a surge of love for her then and doesn’t know why he ever doubted her support. “Are you hungry? I know you want to go out for lunch but well, you aunt brought over some cake so here, have some cake.”

He nods absentmindedly, flashing her a small smile even though he really wasn’t in the mood for cake. He can see the strain on her face but she’s trying and so should he. “Thanks mum.”

The clock ticks too loudly as they just sit and stare at the grains of wood on the dinner table. His dad clears his throat eventually and they all hold their breath.

“So, how are you?”

Stay calm, Hanbin. You can do this.

“I’m fine, dad. How have you been?”

“Oh you know, the blood pressure is no good. Dr. Park has got me on too many medications. Something about my risk of a heart attack and decreasing my salt intake. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Part of him expected this, the overly mundane conversation, and part of him is relieved that they weren’t shouting at each other from the moment he set foot in the house.

“He’s a good doctor.” He says, trying to keep the facade going. “He doesn’t really think you’re going to have a heart attack does he?”

His dad snorts derisively. “ He’s just trying to scare me. He wants me to cut out soy sauce but this is Korea, what a ridiculous request.”

“Are you taking the medication at least?”

“Oh god, not you too.” His dad sighs loudly. “First your mother and now you? For the record, yes I am taking my medications.”

There’s a long silent pause and he knows what’s on all their minds but doesn’t know how how to start talking about it.

“How’s work?”

“We’re on holidays at the moment but it’s been great.”

“You know, there’ll always be a job at my company if you want it. It’ll be a pay rise, if you ever want to move out of that shoebox you live in.”

He frowns again, fingernails digging into his palms under the table. There will never be a time where his dad isn’t disappointed in him.

Keep it together, Hanbin. Think of Hanbyul. This isn’t about you.

“I’m fine where I am. I’m getting help with the rent now anyway.”

His words, and all its implications, hang in the air between them. They all want to talk about Jiwon so they might as well just get it over with.

“Is that still…..” His dad trails off, pausing for a beat before finishing his sentence. “How is that going?”

He hears it, the strain in his dad’s voice, the way he almost had to force the words out in some kind of neutral civil tone. That must be his mother’s influence. He knows they both really want to ask, “Is it still going?”

“It’s going great.” He says, looking at the dense chocolate cake his mum pushes towards him and avoiding any other eye contact. “He’s in Japan right now.”

“Japan? What for?”

Does he want to do this now? Start telling Jiwon’s life story to a man who might never accept them? But if not now, then when?

“For work. He’s um….he got a record deal. He’s a musician. He’s over there for some business meetings.” They can all hear the shakiness in his voice but nobody mentions it, so there was at least that.

“Oh.” His dad says. “Your mother said he worked in that garage downtown. Since when was he a musician?”

He looks up in surprise, first to his mum, who gives him an encouraging smile, then slowly to his dad, who is wearing a genuinely shocked expression.

“He’s always been one. He just got signed recently.”

There’s another long heavy pause and then all pretend to eat the cake that nobody has an appetite for.

“Did you read the contract?” His dad asks suddenly, eyes now serious and focused, like he must be in all his business meetings. “Before he signed it, did you read it?”

He almost feels like smirking, if his dad wanted to talk business, then they will talk business. It’s the one topic where they have some common ground. “Of course I did.”

“What company did he sign with?”

“Beatbox. It’s a new subsidiary of Globalkore.”

“Which law firm is representing them?”

“Lee & Ko.”

His dad hums in what he knows is approval. It gives him emotional whiplash.

“Did you have to re-negotiate any terms?”

“Only a few. We got them all. It wasn’t really that hard.”

He eats more of the cake, finally able to swallow some of it down. He can see his dad’s mouth opening with hesitation before closing again with resignation. Being good at business and law is one thing but wanting to make a career out of it is an entirely different thing. They’ve had The Family Business conversation so many times over the years. It always begins with his dad disappointed by his refusal to put that business-law degree into effect. It always ends with him storming out of the house, shouting about how art isn’t a worthless pursuit.

They’re all shocked when the conversation veers off somewhere else altogether.

“Is he pulling his weight? Helping you out? You’re not doing everything are you?”

He looks across at his dad, surprised that they were back to talking about Jiwon. It’s been some time since he’s really stopped and looked at his parents and their lives. His dad works hard at a job that carries more high stakes and stress than one person should be mentally permitted to. He’s not perfect, he’s hurt everyone in the family with his blunt words and careless actions but right now, there’s just a weary father with too many deeps lines on his face, worried about blood pressure tablets and his son’s future.

Something melts inside him. It’s not forgiveness, not even close, but it’s a small step in the right direction.

“Yeah dad, he’s helping out.”

There’s a crash outside the kitchen that makes them all jump. Hanbyul’s ponytails swing into view, along with the pot plant she tripped over. Their mum is up in a flash, sighing and gently scolding as she dusts the soil off Hanbyul’s jeans and leads her off into the bathroom to wash her hands.

“That’s your cue to go.” His dad says, getting up to help with the cleaning. “Have her back before dinner.”

He’s nodding and is just about to bend down to help when his dad waves him away. “No, I’ll take care of this. Go entertain her, she’s been bored of us for weeks now.”

“Okay. Um, thanks dad.” He says, feeling every bit like a child again.

“We haven’t told her anything about your….situation. If you insist on going through with all that, just think about what you say and who might end up hearing about it, not just for your sake but for everyone else’s too.”

Part of him wants to automatically snap back. Of course he knows all this. Of course he’ll be cautious. But he keeps his mouth shut and just nods again. It’s longest conversation they’ve probably had in 6 months that didn’t end in a some kind of argument or shouting match. It’s unsettling and foreign and he’s almost forgotten how to deal with it but sometimes you have to take a few hits in order to win the war.

“Come on Hanbin! I want to go to the pet store!” Hanbyul is tugging at his sleeve impatiently and he only has a brief moment with this mum on the way out.

“Thank you.” He whispers.

“For what?” She smiles mysteriously.

He pulls out of the driveway feeling off-balanced in a good way (if there was such a thing). There are more questions than answers and he still doesn’t know where his dad stands on the topic of Jiwon but at least they were all talking and his sister seems to be doing okay. So for now, that’s enough.

****

“What were you talking about with mum and dad?” Hanbyul asks over lunch. “Why did you look so serious?”

“They’re just worried about my life. That’s what parents do.” He says with a smile. She is even more inquisitive than he ever was at this age. “They’ll worry about you too, when you decide to grow up.”

She scowls at him with the fury only a 9 year old girl can generate. “I’m not a baby!”

He reaches over to pull her hair away from her face so it doesn’t get stuck in her food. “Nah, you’re always gonna be a baby peanut. Better get used to it.”

Hanbyul glowers a few more times before suddenly deciding that it just wasn’t worth the energy to get upset. Kids these days.

“So they’re not mad anymore?”

“I think mum’s okay. Dad’s just tired, you know. I don’t think they’re as mad as they were before, there’s just some adult things we need to figure out right now.” He kicks himself immediately as soon as he gets the words out because his sister pounces on them without missing a beat.

“Like what? What things?”

He sighs. He is never going to come out of this conversation alive. His sister had concentrated Kim genes- all the tenacious charm of their mum mixed with all the cunning intelligence of their dad. It’s a potent combination in a tiny 9 yo human.

“Like my job and my apartment. Stuff like that. It’s boring. You don’t want to hear about it.”

She wipes her mouth daintily and stares lasers at him. “Do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

He’s so taken aback that he can only laugh. “What?! Where did you hear that?”

“My friend Mina said that her brother has a girlfriend that’s a boy because some people have girlfriends who are girls and some people have girlfriends who are boys. So do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

Kids these days.

“That is the weirdest question.” He says, shaking his head. “You know that having a girlfriend whose a boy is just like having a boyfriend right? It’s the same thing. Some people like boys and some people like girls and some people like both.”

He kicks himself again. His parents will kill him for introducing their innocent daughter to the idea of bisexuality. He might as well start digging his own grave now.

“I know that Hanbin!” Hanbyul says, rolling her eyes condescendingly. She’s just a baby, when did she learn to roll her eyes? And where the hell did she learn about bisexual dating?!

“How do you know? Who told you that?”

“Mina’s brother picks her up from ballet and sometimes there’s a boy and sometimes there’s a girl with him. And Miss Lee said that some of the famous ballet dancers are like that and it doesn’t make them bad or weird. Oh! Do you know Tiler, Hanbin? She’s my favourite dancer! Mum let me watch her videos on Youtube, she’s the best.”

He just shakes his head. This whole time, he was agonising over how to explain to his sister that he was gay and in 10 minutes, she’s already explained the concept back to him.

“No, I haven’t heard of her. You need to show me one day.” He reaches across to tuck more wayward strands of hair away from her face. “Does it bother you that some of your favourite dancers like boys or girls?”

Hanbyul shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s weird sometimes.”

He knew it wasn’t going to be all smooth sailing. Maybe his sister understands that more than one type of couple exists but beyond that is harder to come to terms with.

“Why’s it weird?”

“Because it’s weird!” She says, exasperated by her 9 yo brain’s inability to articulate its own thoughts.

“What if it was me? Would you think it’s weird?”

She looks at him with wide eyes for a moment but slowly shakes her head. “I don’t think you’re weird.”

“Well, good. You shouldn’t hate people or tease them because of who they like, okay? You wouldn’t want someone hating you for liking ballet and Tiler right?”

She’s nodding her head but too fixated on her food and chopsticks so he doesn’t really know how much sinks in but this is enough for one day. There’s no point ruining their day together with social politics, there’ll be plenty of time for that when she’s older.

****

Jin finally releases him at 5:30pm.

He goes straight to the hotel room and falls face first onto the bed. There’s the temptation to just crawl under the sheet and sleep but he knows it’ll mean waking up in the middle of the night because he’s missed dinner.

Hanbin hasn’t replied to any of his photo messages, which makes him irrationally worried even though he knows there’s probably a good reason for it.

To distract himself, he decides to check out the rooftop pool in the hotel. It’s dinner time for most guest and he’s relieved to find the 25 metre pool empty. It’s an indoor pool but encased by glass windows so you can see everything outside, including the evening sky.

After attempts at some hard and fast laps, he’s too exhausted to do much more than just float on his back and stare out the glass ceiling. The sky was violet, it reminds him of the colour of the sky on his birthday. It wasn’t the first birthday he’s had with a boyfriend but it was the first birthday where he was given a gift that meant something.

He still can’t get over the mixtapes. Nobody has ever made him anything like that before. Teenage confession letters were one thing but four mixtapes with handwritten tracklists were another thing altogether. 1 hour per tape equals four hours of music and probably days or weeks of thoughts and consideration on Hanbin’s part. That’s his favourite present. It wasn’t so much about the tapes themselves or the songs on them, it was really the knowledge that Hanbin sat down and put so much effort into something just for his birthday. It hits him in the gut when he thinks about it and lyrics start forming in his head as he floats in the warm water.

Locked with your thoughts I’m swimming With u right here I’m swimming With no-one else I’m swimming Wanna be with u

He eats dinner with the windows wide open so he can stare at the glittering night lights of Tokyo and listen to the ‘Before Sunset’ tape at the same time. The sky was dark indigo now and even though Hanbin was still not replying, he sends a photo of the night skyline anyway.

He recognises the song through his headphones, it’s something he remembers hearing somewhere before. Maybe when he was younger, when his family was still in America and they had long hot summers down the West Coast with the radio playing in the car. He lets the nostalgia wash over him, wondering how the hell Hanbin managed to find a song that incapsulated his childhood without even being there.

He’s playing with the little cardboard insert in the cassette case when he sees something written on the inside of the spine.

“I’m not good with words, so I’m using this to tell you instead.”

He wants to laugh because he’s read Hanbin’s articles and knows a talent when he sees one but on the other hand, Hanbin has always had trouble saying what he means and meaning what he says. Some people are better writing words and some are better verbalising them. Hanbin is the former and he himself is definitely the latter.

And right on cue, as if Hanbin heard his thoughts, there’s a message that buzzes on his phone.

[Hey sorry, had a big day. How did it go over there?!]

[Gonna look at all the photos in bed later]

[its was ok, we got along but it was only a quick 10 min thing. Hallucinated a Rap Yoda tho]

[what?]

[was takng a photo to show u and this dude just starts talkn to me like yoda in the sw movies]

[who was he?]

[IDK! super weird]

[That is weird. How’s the headache, feeling better?]

[yeah its fine. how was ur day? do anythng crazy?]

[Actually….yes]

[omg what]

[Talked to my dad]

He stares at the words for a full 5 seconds before attempting to think of a reply. With his chest thumping, he dials Hanbin’s number instead.

“Hey.”

“Don’t ‘hey’ me! What happened?!” He nearly shouts down the line.

“Tell me about your day first?”

“Fuck no. Yours is more important!”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin was using his Responsible Adult Voice.

“Hanbin….” He echoes in his own serious voice.

There’s a sigh from the other end. “Okay, fine. Well, I was in a good mood this morning so I rang mum to ask her if I could take Hanbyul out for lunch and she said I had to come over and talk to dad about it because they probably think I’m going to introduce her to being gay or something. Anyway, I went over and we talked and nobody punched anyone in the face. So it was a pretty good day.”

There’s a pause then but Hanbin stays silent.

“And then what?” He asks impatiently. “Did he say anything about us? Or me?”

“He offered me a job again but mostly he wanted to know about your contract with Beatbox. He was worried about us not reading fine print and signing a dodgy deal. It’s a business school thing.” Hanbin says, almost distractedly.

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“You told him about my contract?”

There’s a quiet intake of air before Hanbin speaks again. “Shit. Did you not want me to? I’m sorry Jiwon! I just thought that-”

“No, it’s fine! I don’t care that you told him. It’s just, why would he be interested in that? Last time you all talked, there was shouting and they stormed out.”

“Yeah I know.” Hanbin says wearily. “I think mum got to him. Wore him down as usual. I didn’t ask her to do that but I think she did it anyway.”

“So, are they just okay with us now?”

His heart jumps with hope but he’s been in these situations before, with equally homophobic parents, and he knows that false hope is the cruelest of them all.

“I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t know what my dad thinks. They’re both trying and that’s all I can honestly say right now.” Hanbin finishes earnestly. “Hanbyul seems okay though, thank God. At least they haven’t messed her up too badly yet.”

“Oh yeah? That’s good. I want to meet her one day.”

“I know. I want you to meet her too but….”

“…just not right now. It’s fine Hanbin. Don’t stress about it, it’ll happen when it happens.”

Hanbin hums a vague response and there’s another pause.

“So tell me about your day?”

He sits in the chair facing the big window and watches all the lights flicker over the city in the distance. Hanbin doesn’t even interrupt him, he’s known for awhile that Hanbin finds his voice soothing and he wonders if he was ever read to as a child.

He’s half way through describing the hedgehog cafe when his body gives up being in an upright position.

“Sorry babe, I need to get into bed, gonna crash soon.”

“It’s okay, me too. My chest is killing me. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“I’m coming back tomorrow.” He says with a tired laugh. “Why’s your chest killing you?”

“It’s nothing.” Hanbin says quickly. “I’ll let you go. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow? Your flight lands at 4pm right?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you.”

“Okay. You want me to hang up first?”

“Yeah.” He laughs quietly. “Night baby, love you.”

“I…..me too.” Hanbin says, only slightly tripping over the words. “See you tomorrow.”

His eyes are already half closed by the time he gets in bed but he doesn’t sleep straight away, instead he scribbles all the bits of lyrics that seem to flood his head all the sudden. He dreams of swimming pools, dimple smiles, violet skies and mixtapes. He can’t think of a title, that’ll just have to wait till morning.

****

He hangs up first because Jiwon still can’t do that for some reason. His chest is aching but there’s something about the pain mixed with everything good that happened today that makes him itch to write it all down. His laptop glows into life but the words don’t look right on the sterile whiteness of the computer screen. Instead, he opens up the playlist he made for Jiwon and reaches for the notebook he jammed under the mattress all those months ago.

It’s cold and smooth underneath his finger tips, the paper old and slightly yellowing with age. His favourite black pen still glides over it just like it used to. This feels better. It feels familiar.

So he writes.

Cloudy With A Chance: Chapter 0....

****

Soundtrack: Tiny Dancer -Elton John | Your Song -Lady Gaga (cover)

#if you got the swimming pool reference....i am VERY proud of you haha #Cloudy With A Chance #please play the music #Tiny Dancer is for two people #i always intended it to be for Jiwon but then it fit for her too haha #that Tiny Dancer video is amazing btw-it's very LA MOOD #a bit of a vague gifset but otherwise it'd be too spoilery #Double B #ikon #hanbin #jiwon #bobby #cwac

54 notes · View notes

theoddcatlady · 7 years

Text

Energy Potion

Alan: Oh my god I’m dying.

Alan: End me guys. Just take my body and throw it in a hole six feet deep.

Melody: Stop complaining, it’s not that bad.

Bruce: Shut the fuck up and pass me more coffee.

Alan: Coffee. All I consume, all I taste. Is goddamn coffee.

Cleo: I don’t know about you guys IM DOING GREAT :D

Melody: Oh god I think she found where I hid her Monster.

Melody: Cleo no do you KNOW how bad that is for you?! Spring water. Deep breathing. That’ll get you through finals!

Alan: … On what planet do you live on?

Melody: The one where nature provides rather than artificial chemicals and manmade poison.

Bruce: Oh man I haven’t laughed this hard since… I can’t remember. More coffee. More coffee. My fingers are shaking so much and I still don’t have this paper done. Spellcheck thinks I’m developing Parkinson’s.

Cleo: Your fingers only JUST started shaking? D:

Melody: Your kids are all going to end up with ADHD.

!~*~!

Melody: I have decided my earlier statements may have been naïve.

Alan: Nooo, really?

Melody: RIP. X.X

Cleo: Okay, after spending all morning in bed with a migraine maybe drinking that many Monsters in a row was a bad idea. Whoopsie daisy.

Bruce: I’m surprised you’re not dead.

Cleo: Same bro. Fuck finals.

Melody: We’re all doomed.

Alan: … hold on a sec guys I got this weird ad on the college website, lemme show you.

Alan: [IMG]

Alan: Ignore that it looks like every ‘graphic design is my passion’ advertisement ever.

Melody: Oooh, a natural remedy?

Cleo: No crash? I’m sold. How much is it, I don’t wanna blow my food budget.

Bruce: Thiiis sounds like bull. Don’t do it man.

Alan: Too late. Emailed the seller.

Bruce: Cocksucker.

Alan: You wish jackass.

Cleo: Shut the fuck up guys. I’m emailing Gus too. See if he’ll work out a deal. Jesus, a week’s amount of doses is over thirty bucks… hello Ramen cups and poptarts. How I missed you.

Melody: I have some extra quinoa!

Cleo: Errrrr…

Bruce: I mean. We only need a week’s worth. Then finals will be over.

Alan: Ooooh, changing your tune, mister skeptic?

Bruce: If I don’t pack in as much study time as possible I’m going to fail. I’m not gonna let that happen.

Alan: Awww yeah! Let’s try some kid’s science experiment!

!~*~!

Alan: I’m still laughing that it’s called ‘Energy Potion’. What sort of geeky ass bullshit?

Bruce: Taking the first pill now. I have to study.

Melody: All at once, readysetgo!

Cleo: …

Cleo: I didn’t expect it to dissolve. Thought it was like birth control.

Bruce: Literally tastes like piss. Literally.

Alan: Spend a lot of time doing that Bruce?

Bruce: Eat shit.

Alan: :P

Melody: Maybe it’s the color that brings on the whole urine sensation. So icky.

Cleo: Blergh. My mouth feels awful, how’s this supposed to work Alan?

Alan: ‘One pill and you’ll have bursts of energy throughout the night, a slow burn rather than a high followed by a crash.’ Taken right from the product description.

Melody: Oddly enough, I feel its working! Or maybe that’s the crystals I set up around my study place.

Bruce: Or placebo effect. That too.

!~*~!

Cleo: Bruce?

Bruce: What’s up Cleo? Any reason you’re not messaging with the group?

Cleo: … I took another pill this morning.

Bruce: Shit, are you feeling sick? I mean it does wonders don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think you can stay awake all day like that.

Cleo: I know I know I’m sorry, I’m just letting you know in case something goes wrong. And it did work. I didn’t feel tired until the sun went up. Still pretty sleepy.

Bruce: You wanna come over to my apartment to study? I know the dorm’s pretty rough on you.

Cleo: Well…

Bruce: I’ll have more Monster for you.

Cleo: Sold. Can we play a few rounds of Overwatch too?

Bruce: As long as I can be your pocket Mercy.

!~*~!

Melody: This is the best stupid idea you’ve ever had Alan!

Alan: I know right? You know how productive I was last night? Focused?

Melody: I know! I didn’t even feel buzzed! Just AWAKE!

Cleo: Slept through one of my classes though. The crash does come, just when the sun comes up.

Bruce: Whatever man, most of my classes don’t care about attendance except when it comes to finals. Two more days until it begins.

Cleo: I can’t wait for them to be over. I might take it easy. No more all nighters. I’ll save the rest of my pills for another time.

Melody: To be honest I haven’t even been taking mine.

Alan: … What?

Bruce: Sure Melody haha how the heck have you put in more studying time?

Melody: I just feel more awake at night. I think my internal clock is changing, a few sessions of meditation and I’ll be able to refresh myself.

Alan: That’s weird.

Cleo: You know, now that I think about it, I think I forgot to take the pill last night because of how awake I was? It just felt more natural to be awake at night rather than the day. I powernapped at midnight but that’s it. It’s probably just working its way out of our systems.

Bruce: god I hope so. I swear if you end up hospitalized because of this…

!~*~!

Cleo: TMI, I don’t care.

Alan: You too?

Bruce: Same.

Melody: I’m anti shaving but this is RIDICULOUS.

Bruce: … How the hell did we get on the same wavelength so fast?

Cleo: I mean we’re friends. That’s how it is right?

Cleo: That’s beside the point. The point is my bush is thicker than a jungle, and I JUST got waxed as a reward for passing finals.

Alan: That is really TMI but same.

Melody: I might actually break out the razor.

Bruce: probably just get a weed whacker…

Cleo: Took the words out of my MOUTH.

Alan: Maybe it’s just a full moon, either way, finals are over, toss out the damn pills, we’re GOOD.

!~*~!

Bruce: I’m still not sleeping at night.

Melody: Neither am I. I’m back at my mom’s and she’s getting SUPER worried.

Alan: I keep nodding off at work. This fucking sucks. I’m gonna get canned at this rate and I don’t wanna go back to living with my parents.

Bruce: Have either of you heard from Cleo? I haven’t since she got home to her parents. I feel like she’s fine, but you know, I worry.

Alan: I know you two finally got together but relax, she’s fine.

Melody: She’s probably just organizing her room.

Bruce: … How the fuck did you know we were together?

Melody: …

Melody: I… don’t know. I just guessed I guess.

Bruce: Bull. We haven’t told anyone. Her dad’s racist as hell, you really think he’s cool with his princess dating a black guy?

Alan: Isn’t that beside the point anyway?

Bruce: No, not it’s not.

Bruce: I really didn’t want to say this.

Bruce: Alan, I know you’re bisexual. You were at the LGBT safe space the night before graduation.

Bruce: And Melody, you believe in this vegan hippie bullshit only to make your mom happy. Because she’d be horrified to find out you’re atheist. You were at Burger King yesterday and I know you weren’t there for the salad.

Bruce: I just know what you two are doing at any time, any place, anywhere. I know where to find you right now. I can’t put it into words but it’s like we’re connected.

Bruce: Do you realize it too?

Melody: … Yes.

Melody: I was worried last night because you weren’t safe. And when you got home and told me that you were nearly in a car accident I almost screamed. I don’t believe in this sixth sense bullshit. I don’t believe in any of it. I was a vegetarian because of logic reasons, not that I ‘feel the animal’s souls’.

Alan: But you’ve also been eating a lot of meat lately too, huh?

Bruce: There’s so many jokes I can make about the meat thing.

Alan: Time and a fucking place, Bruce.

Alan: I’ve basically become a carnivore overnight. I made myself three steaks last night because I just couldn’t get full. I’m blowing through my food budget like there’s no tomorrow.

Bruce: Damn. I’ve been getting by on chicken nuggets but nothing beats a rare steak right now. I could go get one right now. If I wasn’t so damn tired.

!~*~!

Bruce: Cleo? Are you there? I know you’re okay but I’m wondering for how much longer.

Bruce: Please tell me you’re okay.

Cleo: … I’m hideous.

Cleo: My new teeth are all sharp. I’m so hairy. The only thing I like to eat is meat. I only like being out at night, and when I do, I explore my territory.

Cleo: I’m not what you want.

Bruce: No no no, it’s all of us, Cleo. My teeth just started to get loose. The night is beautiful, isn’t it?

Cleo: Especially the moon. But I feel so alone. I’m not supposed to be alone. I love you, Bruce. So much. We’re meant to be.

Bruce: We are. All of us need to be together. It’s getting stronger by the day. What’s happening to us?

Cleo: The potion. The energy potion.

Cleo: That fucker turned us into freaks!

Bruce: Nonono, you’re not a freak. If it wasn’t for this new connection, I wouldn’t have made a move that night. Appearance or not, this isn’t… all bad.

Cleo: Not all bad?

Cleo: What is even the end of this? What are we turning into?

Bruce: Hang tight. We’ll be okay, I promise.

Cleo: … my dad’s banging on my door fuckfuckfuck I think he knows about us

Bruce: Cleo?

Bruce: Cleo?!?!

Bruce: CLEO PLEASE REPLY

Bruce: CLEO!

!~*~!

Bruce: She’s in trouble.

Melody: I’m already almost to her house. Alan’s with me. Meet us there.

Bruce: Keep her safe.

!~*~!

Bruce: Shaken them off?

Melody: Yes.

Cleo: They couldn’t keep up. They’re weak. They don’t have our senses in the dark.

Alan: I got rid of the body. And our clothes.

Bruce: You know where to go?

Cleo: We’ll meet you there.

Alan: You’re in charge.

Alan: We’ll get through this together.

Melody: Yes.

Cleo: Yes.

Bruce: Yes.

#horror stories #scary stories #sixpenceee stories #creative writing #writers on tumblr #the potion series #my stories

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metarot · 7 years

Text

Side note – Josh is ambiguously ill – he’s potentially schizophrenic, potentially not; obviously sick, yes, but with? He’s an inherently, intrinsically, fundamentally disturbed man/person; his dreams are more or less play-by-play snap-recollections of traumatic and/or traumatizing events/memories; the death of his mother, sustained and prolonged physical/emotional abuse – a tragic etc.etc.etc – a sort of perfect storm and concoction of various so and so issues that express themselves in a passingly/cursory sadism and machoism that can only be really described as edging; a sort of halfway-gratifying externalization of deeply internalized thoughts and feelings that does, eventually, lead to his ultimate “demotion”

Rye

From: [email protected] (you) To:[email protected] CC:

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re(…) daily journal and/or note-to-self anthology (sp?)

04-19-2004

just because i dont say it dosent mean i dont think it

i feel more than i am on the outside a tired and slow procession of empty emotion and really if I were to choose a word to describe how and as i am it would be that -- tired literally metaphorically fundamentally i am a dead man barley half-way brought back to life (re: Lazarus) very weakly trying to claw his way back into a familiar grave (cliché yes true yes -- if its been said before why does or does it not (?) matter if it’s true?) -- anyway to the real (real? Intended? actual?? what should I say here that i do S(dont) not?) message tucked and buried in this mess (im a mess and i know it – what the wall said) -- i am lost and there isnt a way out and im sorry and no matter how i try i cant and what has so been eloquently described to me as a quote downward spiral endquote (“”) has or has recently caught up to me (the ground at the bottomless pit more like) and i have finally taken the time out of my already very busy day as you know to finally notice and yes what many would call quote giving up endquote (“”) or quote submitting to a self-subscribed fate endquote (“”) and acknowledge that yes my time here is up and i cannot stay for much longer if any time at all and to punctuate or maybe exclamate(sp?) my point not all who wander are lost but I sure am and what started as a confident march ends in a whimpering limp through a deep dark that i cannot see thru

i wont say goodbye but im obligated to say thanks anyway

Josh’s Word of The Day: -- for you especially:

bit·ter·sweet

ˈbidərˌswēt/, adjective

1. (of food, drink, or flavor) sweet with a bitter aftertaste.

· arousing pleasure tinged with sadness or pain.

From: [email protected] (you) To: [email protected]

CC: [email protected]

Subject: daily journal and/or note-to-self anthology (sp?) (01-01-2000)

You’ve very prudently (if I can say that about such an early judgement call) asked me to, in your words, “voice in plain language”, as a more-or-less new-year’s resolution, what’s “keeping me down”; it’s not a short listed, and I feel compelled to (at the very least) forewarn you that I’m not a necessarily happy person (but you’re here to help that, so it’s fine(?), I guess).

I don’t like fluorescent light or, even, the word itself -- it reminds me of a pale sick-green tinge and pallor in my skin exclusively; sitting in an office chair, stare-spinning into the chalky, plaster-and-plastine(sp?) ceiling with those admittedly gross bright-yellow-almost-grey god forsaken fluorescent lights that make me and my weirdly-high cheekbones and thin ash-skin look more gaunt and corpselike than they and I already do not withstanding or considering what little, balding black hair I have does nothing to alleviate an admittedly freighting and death-like air that I have

They’re on the bus, the trains, my office and my house -- they’re cheap, not really very technical appliances that need to be oft replaced or serviced but my god do they give me the worst headaches and work more than/as nothing other than a reminder that I’m the primary auxiliary character in some avant-garde art film that pans and zooms and fisheyes a little too close to the face of some glum, doleful, sagging and sad average-looking middle-aged man or woman with shadows cast long over their point, sharp eyebrows and acne-ridden, bony jaws that accentuates this awful feeling of discomfort and hunger and rot that I can’t help but feel that that isn’t the general impression they were going for in the first place

I guess I just don’t like feeling nauseous or uncomfortable (I sincerely doubt many people do at all -- maybe some special color or flavor of masochistic deviant -- but I digress) -- for some reason, physiological or psychological, I think there’s something poking and sticking out of my stomach and my intestines that’s hot and solid yet liquidly-fine like molten iron or steel that seeps in and out of my ulcers (That I know I have for a medically proven fact); I can’t say if its bile or blood but I do know that if I don’t eat for a period of some days (which I usually don’t – food makes me want to violently vomit/throw up and the thought of anything mildly warm or cold in me, my mouth, or otherwise is enough to reduce me to a manic mess (if im not already one)) it (the bloodbilemetal feeling, that is) gets almost intolerably worse and I honestly only eat or drink anything at this stage to keep me from passing out from the pain and mental malaise of knowing that something is there that I can’t personally account for or take responsibility as to or of; I’ve quite literally almost taken a sharp, pointed needle or small, swiss-army like knife and punctured the little pouch of belly fat that sits over my atrophied once-athletic abdomen to bleed myself of this “bad blood” and restore my “balance of humors” like a sick and (by modern standards) barbaric doctor from some long- forgotten, dark century where it honestly wouldn’t be the worst thing to have some diseased, plague-ridden piece of dirty metal jammed into you if it meant that you’d at least die in a few months and not physically feel your body suffer through mortal agony for or years or weeks on end knowing that you’d essentially be subject to the same net-effect of nonexistence either way

Im sorry and thanks for your time, I’ll write to you soon

Many more to come, (and yours truly),

Josh

Josh’s Word of the Day:

pipe dream, noun

1. an unattainable or fanciful hope or scheme.

From: [email protected] (you) To: [email protected]

CC: [email protected]

Subject: Re:Re:Re(…) daily journal and/or note-to-self anthology (sp?)

07-15-2002

Im sorry im sorry im soryr im soryy?

I needed badly to get that out of my system really – this past year and the year before and the year before has been one very large and scary exponentially-progressively worse and worse train wreck that I can’t stop and I don’t think that I can anymore

I dream only of and in words at this stage – anything that is concretely visual or outside of hearing/” experiencing” language is/are very vague and very brief images of what I think I remember my very very late mother looking somewhat maybe like – atmosphere is tense and I feel a very pungent and precise feeling of regret each time I wake up

I’ve noticed that lately my thoughts have become markedly more dark and have assumed what could-be(?) described as self-harming in nature; I’ll blink, pause (for what feels far too long for a normal – is there a scientific standard for a normal, decidedly subconscious bodily function?) and think about jamming a nail under my big toenail and kicking a door or wall very hard or peeling my eyelids off with tweezers or drilling big, metal screws into my shins

i don’t know if it’s because i burn myself with wax or compulsively pick at my skin but I feel a very distinct urge to poke and prod and see how far and much pain I can take all in one go just to make sure that I still feel something other than cold and nothing or a little bit of both at the same time

Sometimes when im on the bus or train I feel like jumping out of a window or running headlong into an oncoming train/bus/both –I wonder honestly what dying might feel like and im afraid that if and when I find out it’ll be more of the same and I’ll have gone through all that pain and effort for nothing and die full of regret and realize ive done and been too little too late and die during my already-underway death from disappointment and a broken heart – i don’t know if very many likeable or normal people think of jumping from windows (which, I feel compelled to and should add my new office’s 6th story has a single thinly-paned sliding-glass-door-esque window situated right over and above the freeway and I can say that from the time ive spent after-hours wandering floor to floor desk to desk wall to wall back-and-back again it’s the only actually functional window I’ve found in the entire 200-foot-something building; its weirdly convenient and more so weirdly alluring)

i look like ive lost more weight and that’s not a bad thing I don’t think – I can almost just see all of my ribs and the grainy sand-like grit and texture of my bones through my beautifully paper skin and each day I feel like im getting closer and closer to what god is and what god has wanted me to be all along; im a little self-conscious about how big and disproportionate my head looks on my spiny, spindly pencil-thin neck and how frail my knocky elbows and knees are but i cant eat even if I try so really why even make the effort if you know that you’re just going to make it more painful in the long run (why do anything if you know none of it matters deep down?)

anyways thanks again and for everything so far – I’ll write you soon I really hope

josh

Josh’s Word of the Day:

ex·fo·li·ate

eksˈfōlēāt/, verb

1. (of a material) come apart or be shed from a surface in scales or layers.

"the bark exfoliates in papery flakes"

From: [email protected] (you) To: [email protected]

Subject: FWD: Concerning Josh Haag -- Incident

09-09-2001

Management,

As the Chief of California Operations I believe this to be a concerning note for one Joshua Haag, a System Admin of ours. Read full details from our HR department below, but it is in fact my decision to demote him. Our company health insurance would not cover mental health service, but we would strongly recommend it to him if he stays apart of the MC family.

Any concerns, please leave a direct reply.

Lucas Shaw

Chief of California Operations at MiddleCorp™, 12380 E. Dorchester St. Silicon Valley CA, 94087

----------forwarded message----------

From: [email protected] (you) To: [email protected]

Subject: Concerning Josh Haag Incident

09-02-2001

Mr Shaw,

In the company it is our policy to notify management of any disturbing notes from HR. Yesterday the Human Resources Department ran into a rather upsetting matter. System Administrator Joshua Haag was found hanging by his neck on a rafter in the second story bathroom by saleswoman Martha Stein. ([email protected]) Various coworkers of Josh ran in and thankfully saved him. We are not sure as to why he would resort to such drastic measures, especially on company property. This email is simply meant to inform you, as it is management’s decision as for Josh’s future with the company. Personally I do not recommend we keep him on our Administration. Anyone aware of the situation is very uncomfortable, especially those working directly under Mr. Haag.

If you require any more information, please let me know.

Pam Lancaster, MiddleCorp™ Human Resources Department, 12380 E. Dorchester St. Silicon Valley CA, 94087

From: [email protected] (you) To:[email protected] CC: [email protected]

Subject: Re:Re(…) daily journal and/or note-to-self anthology (sp?)

09-03-2001

Im not even going to look him in his (eye??) eyes – hes a disgustingly handsome awfully beautiful awful person and what -- honestly is the comparison and competition between a ratty once-been systems administrator who cant help but feel absolutely threated by “a higher existence”

Its absolutely the last straw – they’re obviously trying to phase me and only me out of their godforsaken system and I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

Im sorry if I’ve (or, my messages, in reality) are coming off a bit more frantic and disjointed than they usually do – ive been experimenting with a hypno-sedative cocktail-concoction and I have noticed that its more effective at keeping me awake for days on end than it actually is at getting me to sleep (and stay there/like that) in the first place – the stress of potentially, no, not even, not losing my job, no, voluntarily as a screw-you kind of message and metaphorically speaking finger-giving finale leaving this awful awful awful no-good we-only-let-the-pretty-ones-to-be-in-the-cubicles is just too much not EVEN considering that there is a very messy personal element involved now that i NEED with a very LARGE and BIG emphasis on NEED to tell you about

One of the older, huskier, more dead-and-defeated looking edge-of-middle-age blondes of the office (her name is probably some shade of Cheryl or Sherry) – the kind that always makes me wonder that in 10 or 20 or never if I’ll get married or settle down like all these thick-jawed, broad-faced, ugly-but-not men of the universally consistent late 20s/30s or will I die alone burning and melting the circuits of a server like the man-rat that I am – the bathrooms on the 2nd floor aren’t marked, and since today has really been bad enough before the incident I resolved/more like decided to more-or-less hang myself with my already tried and true very strong leather belt that I wear for one reason only – really awful terrible days like today especially

So there I am, the boy genius extraordinaire, hanging from the unfurnished ceiling, tied and strung on and under a steel rafter, in a very very (what you would believe) compromising position when the aforementioned Cheryl-Sherry walks proudly in like she owns the single, poorly cleaned stall (without knocking, I should mention, WHICH IS A CORPORATE POLICY), screams really too loudly, runs out red-faced with streaks (more like streams) of thickly applied makeup and mascara running down and over her pouch-y cheeks and once-pretty knobby double-ish chin and before I know whats happening (I was more concerned with my pants being down near my ankles than anything) im being dragged across this dirty bathroom floor to “safety away from myself” and being crocodile-cooed by all these poorly sympathetic people and I HONESTLY can barely stand the thought of thinking of remembering something as legitimately horrifying as today has been or ever will be(?)

Talk to you soon,

From: [email protected]

(you) To: [email protected] CC:

Subject: Emails (Sep. 4th, 2001)

Stop sending these to me.

Yours Truly,

Dr. Robert G. Anderson, Licensed (pending) Psychiatric ProfessionalTM at and by the Internet's BestTM Online Resource for Emotional Counseling - opensourcepsych.org

From: [email protected] (you) To: [email protected]

Subject: RE: open when alone

09-05-2001

That ratty nerd in the back? I didn’t know he was an admin... LOL not like it matters anymore :P And yeah I’ll see you there, 6pm ;)

Peter Alcazar

Salesman at MiddleCorp™

12380 E. Dorchester St. Silicon Valley CA, 94087

----------original message----------

From: [email protected] (you) To: [email protected]

Subject: open when alone

Did you hear about that guy trying to hang himself in the bathroom? Haha looks like he finally figured out that nobody likes him LOL. Anyways, you still on for dinner tonight?

Sigourney Yagey, Saleswoman at MiddleCorp™, 12380 E. Dorchester St. Silicon Valley CA, 94087

From: [email protected] ( (you) To: [email protected] (CC: [email protected]

Subject: Re:Re:Re:(…) daily journal and/or note-to-self anthology (sp?) (11-18-2001)

I started dreaming again, on very sudden and short notice, and I can’t say im a fan – there’s nothing there for me at all

Tonight’s episode started just above my chest cavity; cue opening credits and a brief roll of the cast and I can feel the bony knot just above-and-to-the-right of my sternum brush and squeeze against something cold and hard and the smooth ridge and cleft of my leftmost ribs catches on a sharp angle and the pain is something what you’d think literally “bone-crushing” would feel like; its dark, and each shufflestep I take im further and further from where I should be but do not want to and the closer and the louder my everything threatens to break I smell toothpaste and mold in an old air conditioning system and plastic from cheap toys and feel silky warm smokeair move through and over my fingers and cold cold toes and there it is – me and my mom, my mom and I – she’s crying into her arms and hunched back and so is her wife at the counter of the clinic and im too interested in the green-blue-turquoise wall behind them that bleeds numbers to ask or wonder for too long why

I feel like im sometimes-usually drowning in my emotions but thats like drinking too much water when you’re stuck in a desert somewhere in an unbelievably god awful awful place

I should have loved my brother more -- I should have done a lot of things better than I have or have done -- I should have realized that I am short lived but my problems are more so -- Im done for tonight, I know you’re only contractually and not legally or financially obligated to reply to anything I send you but please please please please just tell me even if you’re lying that things might just be ok

Josh’s Word of the Day:

com·punc·tion, noun

1. a feeling of guilt or moral scruple that follows the doing of something bad.

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