#im so tired ands sad
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vocal percussion on a whole nother level comin from my mind vocal persuccssiong on a whole nother level cominf fromn my nimd aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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im tired
tired of all the x readers looking the same, the reader characters acting the same and being the same.
i read one reader insert where it was almost promising but i got turned off very fast. maybe i just can't read fem reader anymore. someone on here did say that female readers might be drawn to male reader inserts because there's more variety in characteristics
i saw some headcanons where the characters mess with the reader mentally and fuck with their stuff and it's portrayed as cute but it really isn't. it's disrespectful if not downright malicious i mean???? playing sounds in your girlfriends room to the point she thinks she has something wrong with her ears? making her constantly paranoid? that's not cute that's literally ways of abuse. it really shows that a person has been mistreated and thinks that what happened is normal and acceptable. well it isn't. it's grounds for a breakup is what it is. i have a thing about my peace and especially my things so if my partner started feeling special we'd first have a conversation and if it didn't stop the relationship would end no ifs ands or buts.
now to the real point of this post. im tired of reader always being a goody goody and if reader is portrayed as "unhinged" it's more often than not... weirdly??? sexualised???? like it's gross stop it. people like to harley quinn-ify the reader but that's garbage. i want more readers who are angry more than sad. i want readers who aren't "cute" or "pretty". i want more regular shmegular looking readers. i want more readers who are cynnical and unimpressed, readers who can be unpleasant people. c'mon ve realistic there are more bitches in this world than any of those disney princess ass people and there's nothing wrong with that. you don't owe anyone kindness just decency (and that does include being indifferent to people. just because im not engaging with you doesn't mean im being rude) i want more readers who scoff and sneer at others, arrogant and cocky readers who know their worth and DON'T EVER get knocked down by a male character. i want readers who doesn't wail and sob and fall into depression justcause a man doesn't like them or cheated on them. i want readers who drop people as quick as they picked them up. i want readers who aren't all blushy blushy around any male character and doesn't swoon over anything vaguely male shaped. i want readers who don't put up with teasing and annoying, readers who walk away and refuse to engage with people who aren't willing to be normal and respectful with them. i want more aromantic readers(there was one really good tokyo rev fic) or asexual readers who are openly disgusted with the overhyping of sex (minor projection here). im just tired of readers being portrayed as innocent, childish naive and "kind" and being treated like a sex doll in smut
i refuse to read fem reader inserts. they're not good i'd rather stick to gn and male reader. if i ever write fem reader it will always be either dom reader or not smut at all
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Toki and Pickles, 2, 6, or 9? Any or none, whichever speaks to you. :)
[2+ characters and a number meme]
2, Kissing. 6, Comforting one another. 9, In bed/non-sexually sleeping together.
YOU GOT IT, ALL THREE. 1277 words, lol. Implied Charles/Pickles, sad because it’s set between Black Fire Upon Us and Renovationklok, Pickles is having a bad night and Toki just happens to walk in on it and try to comfort him, and some smooching happens.
You Know What Admitting Sadness Means
.
Both of these men are competing starfish. They’ve known this for years, since the early days of getting stuck with each other as hotel roommates when on tours, before they had enough money for the big fancy bus with separate rooms, or even hotel rooms that had two double beds instead of just one. Back in those days, Toki’s hair had still been short and he’d always, always slept with a shirt on, even in fucking Florida in the summer. During the other three seasons Pickles, who tended to drink until he felt warm, strip down to his tighty whities, and half-wake up at some point in the night freezing his nuts off, had always appreciated the guy’s ability to throw body heat like a goddamned furnace.
He had actually told him that once, and Toki had replied cheerfully that yes, he knew that, because his soul was already destined to roast over the spitfires of hell for an eternity of torment and pain for not following the rules laid down by a god that did not forget and did not forgive. Pickles had needed to take a few extra illicit substances that night just to get to sleep and forget the hauntingly empty look in his eyes while he’d said it.
These days, Toki’s hair is long and he doesn’t give two shits who sees his scars anymore. Pickles will automatically wake at the sound of retching out of decades of ingrained habit, unless he’s seriously passed out, but otherwise they’re both deep sleepers and don’t much care who flops on who in the night (or day, whenever, time is fake). And they don’t have to share a bed, but sometimes they do because Toki still gets nightmares.
But since Charles died, things have been different. Everyone is withdrawn, shaken . . . and so freaked out by the Revengencer attack that they’ve literally strapped rockets to the bottom of their house and launched it into the sky for security purposes. Toki keeps his nightmares to himself because there’s already enough shit going around, he doesn’t want to add to it.
Except, one night he can’t sleep. The pickled herring he ate earlier isn’t sitting right in his stomach and makes the thought of drinking unappealing. . . . Maybe Pickles will have something he can smoke or snort that will do the trick. He puts on his boots (Mordhaus is a constant construction zone these days, he’s learned not to run around barefoot the hard way) and clomps down the hallway in his pajama pants.
“Pickle?” Toki stops himself just short of knocking, because knocking politely isn’t particularly metal. Instead, he nudges at it with the toe of one boot. The door creaks open a bit, so he pushes it farther and steps in.
The room is a mess. Not that it’s spotlessly clean even at the best of times, but with all the repairs their servants are stretched pretty thin and it doesn’t look like anyone’s come to collect the recyclables in a while. It reeks of spilled beer and spirits, stale smoke, and unwashed sheets—but all that is metal, so it’s probably fine.
What isn’t fine is Pickles, who’s clutching his pillow to his chest instead of laying on it and thrashing sluggishly under just a thin blanket, obviously trapped in a nightmare of his own. Before he can decide what to do Toki steps on a can, and the crunch of aluminum sends Pickles shooting bolt upright with a strangled yell.
“Sorries!” Toki yelps automatically, holding up both hands. “Sorries, Pickle, ams just Toki!”
Pickles stares at him, wide-eyed and panting, then blinks hard until some of the wild, sleep-glazed look fades from his eyes. “Toki?” he asks hoarsely, and coughs.
“Sorries, I couldn’t sleeps and I thoughts maybe Pickle will had somesthing whats maybe helps, ands the door—”
“Toki,” Pickles interrupts. To Toki’s surprise, it looks like his eyes are already red-rimmed, not in (just) a super fucked up way but like he’s been crying. His eyes are even starting to well over. Pickles takes a deep breath, and the rest comes tumbling out in a thin, scratchy wail: “Toki, I couldn’t save ‘im an’ he died an’ he, I couldn’t—H-he’s just dead, he’s dead an’ it’s all my fault!”
Fuck not caring about each other by band agreement. Toki is at his side in a second and pulls the smaller man into a tight hug, a cold lump of metal pressed between their bare chests as though Pickles is wearing some sort of necklace with a pendant on it. Tears form in his own eyes because he knows exactly what Pickles means. Toki hasn't dreamed about Charles, but they’re all feeling the guilt these days. For not appreciating him enough when he was still alive. For not getting there in time to save him. Hell, even if Toki had gotten there earlier he still would’ve been too loaded to be of any use, Nathan would’ve had to do it all alone. . . .
“Ams not your faults, Pickle.” Toki tries to reassure, but at the same time this feels like what he’s witnessing might go deeper than simple guilt. Pickles is shaking, pressing streaming eyes against Toki’s shoulder and bawling into his chest. This is something far more raw and brutal, devoid of any of the trappings of pretending not to care. Right now Pickles clearly doesn’t give a shit about one anyone thinks.
“He’s gone, he’s goooooooooone!”
“Theres there,” Toki mumbles, rubbing his back awkwardly—a tiny gesture in the face of a giant tsunami of grief.
He holds him until the sobs die down, until Pickles moves to unexpectedly return the embrace.
“Feck. Toki, I’m . . . I’m real fecked up ri’now, c’you jest—”
“I won’t tell no ones,” Toki assures him quickly.
At the same time as Pickles says, “—kiss me?” The drummer pulls back just enough so they can make eye contact. “Please, jest, close yer eyes and lemme pretend it’s him, jest one last time. . . .”
“Whats,” Toki starts to ask. He’s interrupted by lips crashing into his, facial hair scratching and tickling around his mouth.
Pickles kisses him with longing and passion and urgent desperation the likes of which Toki has never experienced before, not even close. The swamping wave tumbles him head over heels, making it difficult to tell up from down, waking him up in ways he hadn’t even realized he’d been tired; the kiss tastes like booze and snot and sleep-breath and dispair. And maybe . . . maybe it is their manager Pickles wants to be kissing, for whatever reason, but Charles isn’t here. God, fuck, Charles isn’t here. It’s just Toki, and Toki wants to comfort his friend (and maybe even be comforted in return, even if his own feelings don’t run quite as deep).
They spend the rest of the night together in Pickles’ bed. Sometimes Pickles dozes off, then wakes crying again. Sometimes they end up making out like their lives depend on it, and sometimes it’s slow and soft and so tender that Toki’s heart aches. But eventually Pickles drifts off and stays there, breathing slow and even against the crook of Toki’s neck; he’s finally gone past the dreams to the other side and is actually getting some rest.
Toki has so many thoughts about everything that’s just happened that he doesn’t expect to fall asleep himself, but eventually he does.
Both of these men are starfish, but tonight it’s less competition and more collaboration. Pickles lays sprawled on top and Toki stretches out beneath him, one arm looped protectively around his friend. Between the two of them, they manage to take up the entire bed.
Even the empty side.
#metalocalypse#metalocalypse fanfic#toki wartooth#pickles the drummer#charles is dead#implied chuckles#comfort tickles#sad makeouts
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Personal vent do not reblog or interact.
Your not allowed to talk to me if you say anything bad about holly or forget her or talk shit about sadao or the kujos.
Fuck you.
Sorry not sorry.
If you forget George the 2nd Joseph's father. You also suck.
Also giorno is only a joestar due to a bit of dna of joestar blood. Thats it. He is considered a brando to me no ifs ands or buts.
Johnathans body is pretty much dead by the time dio took it over,as soon as his head was decapitated. Tho the whole thing is complicated and messy anyways.
But i see giorno as mostly dios son not johnathans (besides Johnathan has plenty of fucking family bloodline. INCLUDING HIS OWN DAMN SON GEORGE THE 2ND!!! WHO HELPED BIRTH JOSEPH JOESTAR! GOD PEOPLE! )
Plus with the new universe we also have plenty of jojos.
So....yeah.
Just my two cents.
But yeah please stop ignoring sadao kujo,holly kujo,and George the 2nd.
They are very important characters.
Also before yall bitch at me "well sadao was a deadbeat" there is no proof of that. Ther eis no proof of him ever being a bad father either. He just was busy,and he is a musician after all. Hes gonna be touring. He's gonna work his ass off. It is what it is. But sadao loves holly and his son. And joot was just going through shit. Part 3 stardust crusaders was jotaro's coming of age story.
Pay attention.
Just because a father may not be present always doesn't make them a bad father,a deadbeat,or toxic you twats!
Plus thats a very sensitive subject for some and some dont want to have a story like that. Plus not all jojo men need to be bad dads. Johnathan wasn't. And Joseph wasnt either(he didnt know about josuke's existence,if he did he would have had speedwagon foundation members be there in a heartbeat to help out. I guarantee you that. Fuck you Joseph is a good dad. Kinda shitty husband but never a shitty father, fight me!)
Im tired of people throwing these characters under the bus. It sucks.
Respect the kujos or get out.
Respect the joestars George the 2nd,and Joseph.
Respect that giorno being dios son. Respect mudad or i will shoot your kneecaps!
Giorno aint even my fave and im tired of the bullshit y'all do to him.
He deserves better. Hell all of part 5 deserves better but thats for another time.
Im done venting.
Tired of yall.
The disrespect round here in the jojo fandom for holly is sad af.
She aint a playtoy,she aint a meme. She is a kindhearted,strong mother that deserves respect. You fucking peices of shit. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Holly kujo imho kept her stand and i have a whole as theory and story behind her stand and its powers. So yeah fuck you sexist dickwads.
Yeah im mad. Im sick of people honestly.
Good characters thrown to the side because nobody can appreciate them.
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#im so!!! disappointed nd upset w jackson what the Fuck#i dont know if i jst held him 2 a higher standard or whaT but i neVEr ever expected him 2 respond so ignorantly nd jst !!#make the situation sm worse nd completely ignore the issue#im Tired like i rlly am jst so tired of wakin up every other day nd seeing somE idol do smth problematic#like it's rlly so frequent nd no one seems 2 learn nd anytime u think they dO they jst prove u wrong nd im tiRe d#nyway im Literally tired like i hav 2 sleep but im so . exhuasted emotionally nd sad nd disappointed nd !!! idk i hope he sees nd underst#ands y he was wrong nd says smth bc atm im ??#. Sighs
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oc info about all my ethermourne stuff below the cut, if anyones interested! it is. a lot.
edit: after writing this what the fuck thats so much- if you have any questions about them please dont hesitate to ask but i would not blame you if you took one look at this post and ran HSJDFH there’s like 35 listed and thats still not all of them. zoinks
ethermourne is your typical dnd esque world. theres two kinds of people in the world, commonfolk and enchanted, and enchanted are people that can use various forms of magic. in the current story, a secret underground rebellion is going on against the kingdom, in order to free enchanted and bring justice to the world. theres a million and one characters here so bear w me. all characters belonging to my friends are marked with a *
on the black rock pirate ship,
captain shining - a fierce and protective leader. human. she’d do anything for her crew. commonfolk. damn near unstoppable with a sword. lifelong partner to orion ethermourne
johnathan bramwell - the first mate. human. quiet and reserved but goofy when he opens up. storm mage. lover of the sky- hates being in crowded areas on land. intelligent, loves to read and write letters. eventual boyfriend to nordwood thatch
aspen* (no lastname i dont think?) - boatswain. human. somber and stoic, a bit detached. big on family. half blind. ice mage. acts as a father figure to delphi
calvin - carpenter. old soul. human. does a lot of the heavy lifting for the ship. excellent storyteller. fire mage. usually brings some sort of wisdom or moral to someone on the ship.
nellie - cooper. human. misses her family, but has a heart of gold for the ship. scottish- often times hard to understand. ability to turn invisible. has a crush on tobi
galen* - doctor. timid and polite. wants to help people, will sacrifice his own health and safety to look after someone else. human(?). necromancer. arrived on the ship with enmea and quickly became like a brother to kaido
delphi - gunner. a young girl, easily excitable and a bit of a romantic. human. looks out for the people her age on the ship, acts sisterly to them. able to read a few moments into the future.
kaido - navigator. young, free spirited, reckless. human. flight and telekinesis. eager to fight or find adventure. causes trouble. protects enmea like a younger sister, and is looked after by galen, who he eventually accepts as an older brother.
enmea* - powder monkey. goblin, steals and bargains with the crew for fun but never means any real harm. witty and sarcastic. illusion and misdirection magic. especially loves to bother bramwell and nordwood with her antics.
faine* - cook. satyr. loves to be the life of a party. has lived many years and mostly achieved peace but like, loves to dick around. plantaemancer. has a big crush on aspen.
nordwood percival thatch* - bard. half sun elf. cocky, expensive tastes, confidence, and flirty. magic can summon figures of light/magic to do his bidding/can impact emotions of people in vicinity. hopelessly in love with bramwell.
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on land,
artemis ethermourne - the king of the empire. sun elf. main antagonist. commonfolk. younger brother of orion and husband to rietta
orion ethermourne - original leader of the rebellion. sun elf. warlock (jack of all trades), considered one of the most powerful of his time. was publicly executed by his brother when caught. left apprentice muriel in charge. partner of shining.
muriel becker* (murr) - aasimar enchanted. missing his halo due to an incident he doesnt mention. wants to become skilled in magic and art. raven symbolism- along with having his own companion raven, keeha. very tired and stressed. secretly dating amaris.
amaris hayles* (mars) - hunter/scout, commonfolk. drow/moon elf. dry humor, but a lot goes over his head. responsible and caring, looks out for much of the rebellion. doesnt talk much. dating muriel.
chevel troubleice - inventor, commonfolk. human. low self esteem but he’s Trying. interested in alchemy and learns more about magic through his teacher, murr.
evercon archer - enchanted rebel scout. wood elf. air magic. considers himself a loner. nomadic, feigns a know-it-all attitude. doesnt like cities. under technical responsibility of amaris. eventually falls for woodrow.
tuka archer - enchanted rebel worker. wood elf. fire mage. responsible for helping safe travel for other through the woods. fur trader. big social personality, loves people and doesnt care too much what anyone thinks of him. brother to evercon and eventual lover to phinehas.
phinehas* - aasimar. i assume hes enchanted but now im actually not... sure....???? omg. anyway he’s soft, kindhearted and a poet. loves to write and is into theater. level headed for the most part. in love with tuka, ex of murr but on good terms!! theyre still friends
woodrow jace andes* - enchanted tiefling bard. extremely sad but makes jokes to cope. sad jokes. the kind that make everyone else uncomfortable. necromancer. lives in a fucking dragon skeleton which is kind of badass. is embarrassingly soft for evercon.
vaughn hayles* - moon elf. idk if he’s enchanted or nah. protector, guardian, soft spoken. looks after a village, family means a lot to him (despite being unmarried). amaris’ dad.
elena bramwell - human, commonfolk, deceased. was small and determined. bram remembers her fondly, and recalls that she enjoyed music and dance, as well as having a talent for making flowercrowns and storytelling. bramwell’s mother.
tobi* - tavernkeep. commonfolk. he is liddol and irish and knows how to play the banjo. has a massive crush on nellie. i love him dearly
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on the sundancer pirate ship,
captain sylvan skybridge - enchanted human. light magic. is very tired but patient with his crew. false confidence has kept him going for almost a decade and hes not stopping now. only slightly concerned about... everyone on his ship
paige* - first mate. commonfolk witch, able to just barely cast spells and enchant objects. jack-of-all-trades, cunning, and incredibly clever at problem solving. mothers the crew if anyones in need. has a crush on michael.
michael grey* - doctor. commonfolk? enchanted? we just don’t know. a little disillusioned with reality. can see ghosts and has a small gang that follows him everywhere. sylvan and paige are the only crew members hes vaguely familiar with. has a crush on paige. **note: michael has 4 ghosts that follow him but im not listing them here just yet hh
ashton everett* - gunner. commonfolk human. fearless, exhausted of the shenanigans, genuinely just looking for a hot siren girlfriend and dismantling the monarchy.
oscar* - boatswain. chaotic, will start a fight- but hes pretty terrible at getting himself out of trouble. needs tucked in at night. inseparable from lew.
lew* - boatswain. calm, collected, used to oscar’s antics. helps take care of the ship, has a turtle.
rhubarb* - cook. human enchanted. plant powers. just trying to get along with everybody. don’t insult his cooking he’s trying his hardest. probably the oldest on the ship.
waverly* - enchanted human. like a bird selkie, can turn into a raven. spends a lot of her time this way. escaped from a traveling circus and joined the crew to help free others like her.
cloud* - siren. tried to bring down the sundancers crew to prove herself, failed miserably and ended up liking them all. flirts relentlessly but is god awful at it.
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additional notes:
-some of them exist in a modern au, mainly involving bram/nord/mars/murr as a ghost hunting gang who always finds themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. bram and mars form a brotherly bond over time. in modern au elena is discovered to be alive. vaughn winds up falling in love with her (it is very cute).
-i often draw sylvan and captain ryan of the silent requiem. this pirate ship belongs to my friend sept and is placed in her own world, so none of that crew is mine ;w; most of their shenanigans are in a crossover state where a very sylvan begs ryan to teach him what to do as a captain, and ryan looks after him like a son (though he’d fucken deny it). young syl is far too curious for his own good and gets into trouble a lot. sorry dad
creds: galen, aspen, enmea, faine, nord, murr, mars, tobi, phinehas, woodrow, vaughn, and paige are all characters that belong to my friend bee. michael grey belongs to my friend jake. ashton belongs to my friend rueben. oscar and lew belong to my friend kenzie. rhubarb belongs to my friend pasta. waverly belongs to my friend cal. cloud belongs to my friend sara.
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haha im so broken i swear, i had a breakdown about sugar ants getting into my skittles
so basically i was tired at night and went to bed leaving my skittles tub open with the lid next to it
i woke up in the morning and sugar ands were EVERYWHERE
and i got really sad becuase like.. how can i not even be responsible enough to keep a box of skittles safe
its a first- world problem i know but..yknow it really upset me
haha
im to emotional
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im just so tired of being trans. i have no willingness to even participate in the community. i enjoy it in a lot of ways and if my dysphoria was better and i didn’t feel so awful about it all, i would enjoy it even more, but i just. i dont want to go to pride, i dont want to wave the trans or gay flag around, i dont want to bother with cis people anymore, i dont want to do anything. i just want to fucking live. just live my life. i just want to be free of this.
i cant wait until i find a man i love who accepts me and we’ll marry and ill transition and i’ll pass 100% and i dont have to bother with being trans anymore. the only people who will know are friends and him. the only time ill out myself is in medical settings. i’ll just be male to everyone, no ands, ifs, or buts about it. i dont have to bother with the cissexism that will always be present in the gay community because as far as everyone else is concerned i was born with a dick like the rest of them. as far as everyone else is goddamn concerned, im just a cis gay man.
that’ll be it. that’s all i wish for in life. granted, that’s pretty common, but i just have no desire to stay attached in any which way to the community. what’s the term for that? isn’t it like “to go stealth”? i think there’s another one that’s a bit looser but i dont know, that’s just what i strive for.
it’s incredible, how cis people go about their lives and how that’s all i wish in the world for. they just exist and live like that, but i, also a male, have to go through the entire process and maybe not even completely pass in the end; i heard some are a bit unlucky, like that. that’s exhausting. my wishes and dreams are so lowkey. what i want is just what cis people live with and always have. it’s like nothing to them but that’s everything to me. that’s so sad.
(this is not supposed to be a #hottake or controversial opinion, this is just my personal thoughts and feelings. was gonna put it in the tags but i forgot and there’s no point in rewriting the tags i have)
#if i were to get top surgery of course the scars would be visible but then just swim with a shirt on!!! people do it all the time#and maybe my hip shape will really never change and some core things stay the same but who cares?#no one but my doctor#that's my dream. i dont care for any of this#dont reblog this lol this is personal#i usually dont need to clarify but people on this side are odd#*site#i wrote this up to vent and help my feelings but this has just made me even sadder#trans negativity#trans stuff#ides.txt
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Feeling sad
Missing my family
My boyfriends family are just kind of
loud and irriating and idk how to talk to them and they have no mannerism.
Im so tired of living in an rv. And living in an rv on his grandparents property where people think they can just come in any fucking time they want to.
Ill be sitting on the couch and the kids will come to the door and stare at me through the window wanting to be let in and i m just like gooo the fuuuck awaaaay.
and his other cousin is fucking insane literally. and excepts to come in everytime hes here just to smoke weed all the fucking time and he keep smoking ours ands its like okay but are you here to hang out with your cousin or get free shit.
Today him and his side lady were mad that iw ouldnt let them smoke a blunt inside. Im three weeks sober and i just dont want to be around it. Im trying to get a new job where i have to be clean and i dont really fucking care they got mad me. I pay to live in this tin can so its my fucking rules.
AND HE FUCKING TOUCHED MY FOOD when trey was sautéing the peppers and onions for the veggie burgers. I was like Get your nasty ass hands off of my food boy. His response, My hands aint nasty they just aint... clean. BITCH BYE.
Honestly im just so over being here.
I can deal with my family when im with them, but these people arent my family and i just want to go home but i dont have a home beaucase im here and i just want to cry.
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Ugh, i forgot to take my effexor yesterday so i woke up this morning feeling like totally dizzy and drunk. So i took it, and it takes like basically all day for me to feel normal ish again. I ended up falling asleep again for most of the day. I woke up a couple hours ago and im Judi like blah depressed and tired sad ands feeling useless. Also i burned my stomach on a baking sheet and it hurts like fuck so... fml
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so i was up at 5 am thinking about this and feeling really sad.
my friend said he was disappointed that i didnt feel like watching a tv show. he was like “its always ‘i dont feel like it’ or ‘im tired’. i think i set my expectations too high and got disappointed”
and like here’s the thing. im starting to think i need to talk to my doctor this thursday about me having ADHD. like i’ve already been told i have “symptoms of add”. but like. in short, my memory problems and inability to focus and lack of self control when around people is just getting stressful for me.
also yeah. I am a disappointment to everyone.
thats the thing. if EVERYONE has a certain expectation of me (such as expecting me to pay close attention or remember important details) and i cannot meet these demands. that flat out means im a disappointment. no ifs ands or buts. i can’t meet peoples requirements so im a disappointment and a failure in every way
my friends want someone who can understand jokes and sarcasm. I cant a lot of the time. my friends want people who can understand references to tv shows and movies and pop culture. i cant because i CANT watch movies/tv and i dont understand pop culture at all. my friends want people who can remember things and not forget stuff. I cant do that. its just embarrassing too. its always “oh haha robin i should’ve known you cant remember things!!! hehe” but its not funny that im a failure in every way.
#negative/#i dont want anyone to lower the bar for me or lower their standards#if i cant perform then i am just a 'disappointment'#i dont care whatever disorders i have that doesnt matter im still a disappointment
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this is whatever
im not much of a talker, if you know me, you know this.
I dont socialize at work, I barely talk to my roommates besides a few words like “where are you going?” or wondering how their day went
but one thing that always gets me going is music, really when I have days to myself its spent listening to new music, because its always something I find myself getting lost in
I started banging on things from a young age, 7 or 8 I would take old VHS tapes I hate and set them up like a drumset, one would say thats where I got my start
I heard tons of music from my mom, because before phone ands MP3′s took over, the only way to listen to music was CD’s or tapes she had, or CD mixes she would burn to play in the car
from creed, to maroon 5, to jet. all the way back to stuff she would listen to.
records would play through the house, consisting of dire straights, to AC/DC, to queen and just tons of other bands, I cant list them all
I started listening to my own music when it became easier for me, from stuff like green day, to blink 182, to sum-41, really anything kinda edgy for sure.
then when middle school came around, is when the harder stuff took the main spot in stuff I listened to, my personal fav was The Devil Wears Prada. there are tons of bands and classic songs I could name all day tbh, me and my older sis would listen to this stuff all the time, I made a playlist of everything I could remember, I still add stuff to it when I remember or hear old songs.
once I hit high school another, unique type of music really took hold and has not let up, while I still love everything I listen to. and that was and is rap.
I was really the kid that hated and made fun of rap, but with people like Logic, Childish Gambino, those people really gave me that push I needed to go deeper into the genre and all the sub genres. some of my personal favorites are Mick Jenkins, earl sweatshirt, vince staples, and mac miller. I have tons of rap I listen to, so I cant really sit here and name them all
this wasnt really the point of this whole topic but lets get to the point anyway
after hitting those VHS at a young age, it really started my love for drumming and percussion. I eventually grew away from it after a young age, but I remember seeing a middle school symphonic band when I was in 5th grade, and seeing that opened my eyes really, and I was so amazed and caught in a trance by it
so without a second thought I signed up, because I wanted to do that, so I started my journey through percussion that day. my parents got me the things I wanted but I knew they were just brushing it off as something I would give up after I got tired of it all
but I didnt, I kept with it, all the way through high school, where I was in the drumline at my high school, in the percussion section in their marching band and symphonic band
being in that environment really grew my love for music even more, being able to make great music with a big group of people and know I was one of those people really gave me the best feeling, and it something I miss now that I dont have as much time to dedicate to my drumming now that im an adult and have to focus on my job and bills
my dream is music, whether its being behind the scenes, or being on the stage, making great music is something I really need to do, I want to do something that causes emotion, happiness, anger, sadness. because thats why I love music, it causes emotions, and feelings.
it sucks I have grown so far away from it, I had and still have friends who think I am amazing, I mean I would hope so after all the training I had in my youth, but I still deny it, I still lack the confidence, when really, I can do it.
its time to change, its time to chase my dream of music, its hard, the hardest thing I will ever do, but its something I need and want in my life
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