good news everyone! i am still deranged!

goodnight!!

@fuckshitassbitchcockballs u gay lol

ok im already tired and i dont have anyone to kiss at midnight so im gonna go ahead and turn in for the night. goodnite everyone and happy new year! fuck you 2020!

im excited for tomorrow....!!

I just finished my stenbrough fanfic and I'm so tired,,,,,

the thing that im so scared about these days before going to sleep is to wake up with the same lump on my ache, waking up to the same disappointment that i woke up to these past few days. i just wish i could get rid of it. its not because im upset that ive disappointed my family or anyone. what matters the most is that i DISAPPOINTED MYSELF. ive always been thinking what would 9 years old me who kept on telling people that she was going to be a lawyer when she grew up would feel if she knew this is what aligned for her in the future. she would hate me sm. hate me for ruining her dream. well, at this point of, who wouldn't hate me? i hate myself. so much. and i can't emphasize it enough. i just fucking wish to die. ik that i might appear to be fucking FINE to my friends, family especially (since im with them 24/7) i smile like nothing happened. but inside, there will always be these ugly thoughts occupying my mind. like i tried to stop it everytime when it sits on my mind but it's just so difficult. ive tried everything, tried to distract myself (well it works at some point) but whenever there's a pause in everything i do, such as when i dazed or somewhat. it would proudly sit on my mind. it literally LIVE in my head rent free and i hate it so much. such as rn, a perfect example. im writing this, typing this because im so fucking frustrated. it's 1 in the morning. while everybody else is sleeping, im sitting in front of my mirror. checking my loser ass out, realising how fucking ugly and disgusting i am. and with my phone on my face typing my frustration away. im just tired okay. i don't want this. i want to pretend. NO. I don't want to pretend. i just want to feel like everything's alright but my dumbass wouldn't let me feel that way. cuz the only way im coping with this shit rn is HATING MYSELF. i just really fucking wish i never existed. i wish for a better life for my other self in alternate universe. at least i want her to have a better life and live happily. unlike me. i just want to feel fucking normal. feel like im worth it. doesn't fucking feel like im better off death every literal seconds. why do my life has to turns this way. was it the SINS that ive commited? perhaps. is this KARMA getting back at my ass for all the wrongdoings ive done in my life. theres no certainty in when will i stop feeling this way. i just wish that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling better. goodnite xxella