#im having a breakdown in the meanwhile
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Fighting for my life rn rewatching the shining and Realizing things I hate it
#HOLLYS LINE. HER LINE ABOUT IT SNOWING IN THE END. FUVK.#SNOW IS LITERALLY A BAD OMEN IN THE SHINING ITS USED IN REFERENCE TO RECKLESS MURDER#IT PRECEEDS THE MURDERS#before jack torrance attempts to kill his family it snows and traps them all in the hotel#in fact it happened also when delbert grady killed his family too#which got me thinking that its not winter in st4. its spring.#and i realized. it was spring when the creels moved into hawkins#they moved in in march and after a month all the shit started to go down#st4 literally starts... right before speing break. mid march.#hholy fukc im goign i ccant do thsi#the cycle is repeating. nancys vecna vision of her whole family dead that we didnt see. ted missing. what did nancy SEE?#nancy what do you know. nancy. there is no reason why they would not show us the vision and then have nancy explain it to us unless#nancy. nnancy. wasnt telling the whole truth.#although im pretty sure we know theyre killed by UD monsters but like. um! anyways im going to make a full post about this but#im having a breakdown in the meanwhile#st x the shining
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Traveling alone is quite dangerous for a girl.
(my toshiro overcompensating trans man hc)
bonus 1
bonus 2 ft. toshiyuki (middle brother) grown up a little but still a menace
#toshiro nakamoto#shuro dungeon meshi#my comics#i feel like when he announced himself everyone in the household was really excited his dad especially#1) now there’s an heir 2) cause he finally thought his kid was starting to be interesting and for a short time it was kind of novel#he thought it was so cool and edgy to have a son like that but then that quickly wore off#since toshiro didn’t start becoming like him or stop being a boring person to him#and lowkey the little inheritance competition where toshiros peers are like. a bratty 14yo and an 8yo.#is his way to walk it back that he should be the heir#even though he already got acknowledged and everything#meanwhile hien trying to be a woke affirming queen and just feeding his insecurities unintentionally “you’re a man aren’t you”#their friendship changes and they try to slot each other more into their gendered expectations and drift apart#toshiro compulsively works out and trains and carries himself and acts in certain ways#to be masculine in this very conventional way to affirm himself as a man and as the heir of a samurai family#and as a counterpoint to his wastrel layabout father#he becomes the kind of stealth trans guy who lives in constant state of fear and stress. to the point his little brothers have no idea#-> creates that distance emotionally from them#dungeon meshi#i think his relationship with his dad is absolutely horrendous hes a scummy guy through and through#but i personally enjoy bad relationships in fiction where there was something good to lose in the first place#and despite everything he does still care like in the first comic hes genuinely trying to be mindful#in his own condescending thoughtless way which like confirms all of toshiros worst fears about how his father sees him#like he really got assigned the retainers who are 1) 2 teenage girls one who wants to escape the other whos lowkey scared of him#3) his ex childhood best friend who things are weird with currently 4) random woman whos never even met him ONCE before#5) his smothering nanny/teacher ALL OF WHOM dont really respect him as a leader at all or have a professional rapport with him even😭#in his dads pov he was like okay ill assign women retainers so he won’t hide from them (wrong). also ones who wont intimidate him (wrong)#damn im smart! meanwhile toshiro having a breakdown over it
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actually obsessed with the only end gods left in the end being one of the unknowable primordial forces that created the universe and two dumbasses who have been at this god thing for all of 30 years and 3 weeks, respectively.
#epros is like look at my grandkids im so proud of them :)#cut to centross having a mental breakdown#because his entire worldview the last four months has been based around the idea that he was going to stop existing#meanwhile malitae is just thrilled to have someone around that they can pull rank on#fable smp
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#so sooo proud of him!#at the age of 24 he's scored 200 goals#meanwhile im 24 and i've only had 200 breakdowns#chile anyways#what a game#so sad to have missed watching it live#but im all caught up#nice to see psg is finally getting their shit together#kylian mbappe#paris saint germain#psg#football#mine*#gifs*#kylianmbappeedit#kylianmbappegifs#psgedit#footballedit#footballgifs
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the timing of that adult gaang art being released as i am actively working on my divorced zukka playlist and fic was just too good
#its almost enough to make me regret all my choices but not quite#i will have a delayed breakdown over more of the details later right now im just like oh sokka and zuko are so far apart from each other#because this movie takes place pretty soon after their breakup...meanwhile im listening to last kiss#divorced zukka#somebody sedate me
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oh btw i get even more why brennan (like me) clocked sophomore year fabian as fucked up and sad even if some of the other pcs were like "what are you talking about dude" . it's because the basic core theses of fabian and leiland eftbk as characters are actually pretty similar
#AND matt mercer was like 'yes absolutely. my character has so many issues' meanwhile b4 lou could even say anything siobhan/adaine#went 'fabian isnt depressed his life rules.'#which like. 1) deeply incorrect statement. 2) fairly in character for adaine to say. 3) unfortunately this caused#a pretty big shift in tone w regards to how seriously fabian's arc ended up being executed#2.5) i could write a whole other post on how point 2 could be a super interesting thing to explore w adaine#she starts off so aware of there being no love from her parents towards her. so she sees love between a parent and a child#and cant conceptualize their relationship being ultimately harmful. like she learned long ago that there was no point seeking approval from#her parents meanwhile fabian made it his whole entire life's goal to do just that thing. both of them are fucked up in opposite directions.#crunchy concept yet very unexplored. and i'm not expecting this to happen in a potential s3 im just throwing ideas around like basebal#d20#eftbk#fantasy high#sorry wrote all those tags then forgot to elaborate on how fabian and leiland are similar anyway it's this whole idea of#having this unhealthy dependency on the approval of someone you admire to the ends of the earth despite them being#fully and clearly a toxic influence on you. The whole illusion of inflated self worth howthat all crumbles when you Realize how fragile you#whole entire worldview was. and THEN you have an embarrassing breakdown in front of ur friends#and this is SO terrifying because you have really tried your best to look really cool and put-together in front of them#it's the 'getting knocked down SO hard and having to build yourself up by recognizing the love from your friends#+finding something completely different from the person you hinged your entire being on in order to find your way to the surface' of it all#also galfast/whitclaw are surprisingly similar narrative wise it's so funny to me. th storytelling series of nat 1s against an op enemy </3#i think it WAS easier to execute leiland's character arc in the way it was bc a) he was played to be so CLEARLY insecure from minute 1#and b) it is very easy to condemn ripoff sauron and say 'yeah this guy sucked and we're glad that leiland and maggie are free from him'#meanwhile for fabian. a) he has convinced himself that nothing is wrong with him even though there so clearly is#and b) you have to acknowledge that bill loved his son so deeply yet was such a bad influence on him#it's such a bittersweet-bitter complexity and i imagine it would be super hard to pull off esp when bill and fabian's dynamic is#played as fairly comedic most of the time. in this vein of 'this evil guy is so evil but he cares about his son this hard and it's funny'#and also just the fact this kind of bitter complicated parent-child dynamic is very rarely portrayed and pulled off well.#WHY the fuck are these tags so long if you read all this i'm so sorry
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was drowsily entertaining the idea that BJ is straight, but loves Hawkeye and would provide acts of service for him that include things like kissing or helping him get off, but he wouldn’t be able to physically/emotionally connect with those acts himself
and that Trapper is gay but seriously repressed, and loves Hawkeye, and would try to come at intimacy and sex in as detached and manly a way as possible so that he can rationalise it away, while still desperately wanting him
and therefore they’re both not quite as there as Hawkeye would ever need, but for reasons that aren’t quite the same, although the results overlap
#hawkeye pierce#bj hunnicutt#trapper mcintyre#im watching MASH#MASH#idk depressing concepts make me fall asleep because it's a good place to start Narrative#havent solved this one yet it was just a thought#that scene in big eden.... if there's an overlap between mash fans and big eden fans#between the lead and his best friend (his best friend was written as straight but in this day and age comes off as complexly queer)#(imo)#(anyway where his best friend has a breakdown because he knows the lead loves him and what he has to give isnt ever gonna be enough)#anyway...... how this could all unfold....... at some point bj and trapper get into a fight probably#i think i need bj and trapper to fistfight -- yeahyeah I know the rituals toxic masculinity etcetc#but i cant see them calmly talking things out#there's a big hawkeye-shaped elephant in the room (well a scrawny-shaped one anyway)#and they both have a lot they feel like they need to prove and they're not healthy about it#meanwhile hawkeye's like *sigh guess im still trapped in a Narrative*
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#it's so embarrassing to have these kinds of issues at my grown ass age#but like today i felt so big and and gross and disgusting being myself and walking around#so i put a jacket on and buttoned it up so i could hide in it#and later my friend was telling me about how ppl keep approaching hee to talk to her and practice their English#im like lol no one has done that w me lmao enjoy your white privilege#and shes like its not that i look approachable and nice#and im like oh i dont? im very friendly? i smile at and and greet everyone#and she basically said that i look intimidating and mean#and idk like#i was alr doing poorly mentally but that set me to spiral#and everytime someone looked at me i wanted to die and throw up i felt so nauseous#when we finally got back to our room i like ran into the bathroom and cried for an hour lmfao#me having the most mentally ill breakdown ive had in years in the shower in the room over my friends#talking to her family and being all close like they talk every day#meanwhile mines such a fucking mess#ong idk like#im sitting on the floor in my hotel room crying what the fuck is wrong with me
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everytime i post about university it is a call for help
#insert mami ya no quiero ir a la universidad meme#i cant keep on doing this i dont know how to motivate myself to do this#i think its the mix between having to study and knowing im gonna do terrible in the exam#and knowing im gonna have to suffer the entire summer w my mom. like the entire prospect of that is just. so below ideal#its the same thing every year but every time i have to get my stuff out of my dorm room and move out it comes along w a mini mental breakdo#breakdown*#of like. being SO uncertain about my future. bc here i have a set routine where i either go to class or sleep in#and on weekend i just sleep in. meanwhile in the summer its like. i have to come up w a routine every yr#to pretend that im actually doing something. and this yr its worse bc i dont have the 'im studying' excuse#like last yr me subía a uesca somedays to study at the academy and i could spend it outside of my house#while actually being productive yknow. it was a pretty sweet deal even if it couldve been way better#but now. my future is so uncertain for the summer and also for just. the next school yr (in the dorms)#bc i dont like how things are shaping up to be so far (this VERY ANNOYING girl is once again gonna be there)#(and my co-workers are gonna be the same ones. and they do fuck all so ive had to pull more weight than i shouldve this yr#all while the 'boss' didnt really call their attention that much either)#(and it was either i do the things or the dorms kinda stop working as they should)#xarraire#ta esborrar
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oh yeah uh i forgot to talk about my day. i havent rly been existing as a person whoops. uh
work kinda sucked but not NEARLY as bad as yesterday. honestly yesterday was probably the worst shift ive had in uh. well at least a year im betting. it was really so very bad.
today was better except Whoops my bike broke a little bit. forgot to mention that too. i left it at work overnight in the storage room n im gonna bring it to the bike shop tomorrow. so im gonna be without my bike for a few days </3
uhm. otherwise ive been procrastinating, still not doing my dishes, reading trigun fanfic and rewatching trigun stampede and reading trigun maximum. and also browsing etsy for trigun merch, of which i bought a few things.
now im thinking about skipping class again bc it's accidentally oh so late and i am very tired. i can rationalize it to myself that it's Totally for the sake of finishing my lab tomorrow. but really ive just lost control of this semester and i barely wanna do shit anymore. lol.
#speculation nation#also listened thru the 2nd trigun stampede OST album two whole times#went walking home bc i got no bike rn and i was just meandering down the scenic path#(it's thankfully not flooded anymore. a lil muddy at spots but i managed to avoid it)#saw some deer tracks. crouched by the river for a little bit. all while sipping at a hibiscus tea i brought from work#went home. read embarrassing fanfiction. swore i was gonna do the dishes and then just watched trigun stampede#went looking on etsy. went reading the manga. i swear it's overtaking my entire life.#im trying to be gentle with myself tho. saturday's shift did Not help me with the mental breakdown ive been fending off for weeks#oh yeah and easter. fucking easter. i was neutral/negative leaning but the shop i wanted to go to was closed today#which pushed it solidly in the negative direction. like for fuck's sake this is a fucking witchy shop and they're closed for EASTER?????#i wanted to go buy a tarot deck wtf. and the Spiritual Shop is closed for a Christian Holiday??? okay lmfao#meanwhile we kept having ppl call to ask if we were open today n it was just like 'man this is a bubble tea shop what do you think'#O Lord Bless This Bubble Tea for it was Made In Your Image.............#or some shit like that idfk. like yes we did have a few ppl call off for easter but majority of us are gay and/or Definitely not christian#the handful of us there kept laughing about how little we care about easter. one girl saying she completely forgot about it#and like. man. yea. easter's one of the most pointless ass holidays outside of christianity#at least there's fun in christmas for non christians in the gift giving. easter is just like. there are eggs now???#and this is to celebrate The Lord?????? ok lol#anyways yea my days r happening. i keep skipping class. probably will again. Whoops sorry professor man but im just tryin to survive now
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I feel like people hate King Charles even more than they hate Pope Francis and like I love Are Frank loads he's a cutie but he very much did choose to be Thee Pope. Charles was born into a family where his destiny was decided for him and controlled every aspect of his life and if he decided to go against it he couldn't because his mum was still fuming at his uncle for abdicating and leaving her dad to take on the job because she thought the anxiety killed him like..... You guys wouldn't have even heard of Lady Diana Spencer if Are Charlie had autonomy but he DIDN'T it was stolen from him by his dumbass conservative Christian mother who thought it was their GOD GIVEN DUTY to suffer for the crown
#yes he's my Sovereign yes he's my poor little meow meow#THERE'S JUST NO NEED#Any country including our own can remove the BRF at any time BUT THEY DOOOOOONT#you want some little old man who's never done anything THAT BAD to be murdered#no way these people say the same about cheaters they know in real life. like it's bad but chill#maybe you get borderline forced married and told you can't be with Your One and see wtf you do???#meanwhile poor Di was having breakdowns and Charles hasnt been hugged in his little life like ITS COMPLICATED YOU BLOOD THIRSTY REPUBLICAN#i hope the rumours theyre lying and hes terminal aren't true im gonna have to seriously log off#me sitting there STEAMINNNN because people are being mean to HRH The King#like bffr ben BUT I CAAAAANT I FEEL BAD FOR HIMMM😭#hes malewife actually so FUCK YOU ALLLLL
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Actually turning off anons cause like most of the time i get anons they dont provide context for asking questions and i dont understand whats going on. Im neurodivergent and if i dont have a whole thing of context i dont get whats going on sarrey. And if i dont get whats going on i take it as an attack even though i suppose its not always intended, im too stupid i cant tell the difference sarrey.
#lodia sayings#i have stupid bitch disorder terminal and it makes me uninteractable tbh.#socially is the main way i feel disabled bc i feel like i never get whats going on or what ppl are talking to me about (or if they do i don#care a lot of the time. when its like small talk at work or something but whatever.) so anyway i never know how to interact.#i read something online the other day that said that a way autism displays in children is if they dont know if they should say hi or hello#they get stuck and dont interact at all.#and you know what real and still relevant at almost 28 yrs old.#like.#today years old i still get anxiety from having to greet ppl bc idk if im gonna time it right etc. or if its appropriate. sometimes ppl#glare at me and i feel like i shouldnt even be speaking to them.n#those are interactions at my WORKPLACE.#hell world tbh i wish i didnt have to be self depending so i could quit social interactions at work#i was watching videos from this person whos autistic and they cant work bc their quality of life is too bad when they do and i was like yea#well theyre disabled for real meanwhile me no bc i can hold a job.#but i realized they had the 'choice' in a way bc they can depend on their partner which i cant. meanwhile if i quit work i just starve.#nevermind that i dont know how long i can do it and my quality of life is atrocious n have a breakdown about it everyweekend etc. so i gues#yea thats where im at rn idk what to do etc. this person cant even get disability aid what chance would i also have like lol#long tags#sarrey..#btw i welcome asks interactions etc from my mutuals are they are beloved and interact w me in a way i understand n i feel ok asking for#clarification if not.
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ODYSSEUS :: (having a mental breakdown)
“what if im the monster. . . what if im in the wrong. .
what if im the problem that’s been hiding all along . . . ”
(meanwhile) HADES ::
since hades didn’t appear in the underworld saga i headcanon that he was just vibing the whole time.
#epic the musical#epic the underworld saga#hades#odysseus#monster#epic the musical monster#epic the musical memes
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nothing puzzles me more than hearing my neighbors vent about us (my family) because???? we've called them out on their bs loud music??? and what he vents about is such nonsense as well? like, my guy, i can HEAR you extremely well
#ivan.docx#i can just lay down on the floor and hear all of their convos like. r yall deaf down there??? why r they so loud#he claims that we are the ones lpudly walking around at night and this they can't ''sleep''#meanwhile im out here trying to not have a mental breakdown because i go to bed earlier nowdays and the music is awful#like i was on the verge of going insane yesterday evening#and its happened multiple times as well#he also was mad that when its daytime he should be able to do whatever he wants????#and that he hears loud chattering from us#like okay that one might have some base because my younger sis talks pretty lpud sometimes#and ngl it bothers me too but#BUUUUUUT we also have like proof of their noise from multiple different neighbors#begging my stepdad to aend that fucking letter to the local police office now that has the rpoof and shit#im fucking dying scoob. im dying.
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💖 Had my first car cry today besties 💖
#watch my spending#i am just exhausted#im so sick of my parents expecting me to be responsible and giving my brother a free pass#just because he bitches louder#rent is due and i just paid my car payment and my cellphone is due on the 4th and my internet got turn off#because my parents cant afford to keep it on and they're asking me to pay for my car insurance despite the promise#that they would pay for the first year like they did for my brother. which. i knew. or i should have known not to believe#meanwhile my brother is trying to buy a tesla and isnt paying rent#but he broke his hand and the surgery got rescheduled and he wont move his shit#and I got chastised for saying i want to buy a new fridge because i hate the one i have. i need to says my dad#fuck you!#im keeping mom afloat! im paying for everything#and i had a little breakdown in the car because i realized right when i got to my second job that i needed gas#i was so looking forward to sleeping in on Sunday and now i have to get up early anyway#and i get no reprieve. theres no rest. no break.#i wish i had a second day off because I have no time and all these responsibilities#and i had to get into the lowtide water yesterday#and they're giving me more stuff to do at work#and i have to return a package and get gas and make my lunch and text a friend happy birthday and publish the work schedule and respond to#this email and pay off my credit card and clean my room and text my manager and wait for my brothers hand to heal so he can move and sleep#i need to sleep#life is messy
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Tv shows all say
That teenage love has something to say
And I don’t think it’s anything interesting
I think it’s just mixed with all the shit
I've got to finish
And if it could shut up a minute
Maybe I could think
#inspired by this guy in my (now old) class who kept flirting with me but i was (and still aren't!!!) sure if he ever meant it meanwhile im#over hear suffering from mental breakdowns at least once a day and my parents wnat to move even tho i do like most of my classmates and i#already have two teachers i really like and who i think would really help me but at the same time its a fycking mess over there liek filith#bathrooms some classrooms dont got no fans whuch is a problem cause its!! so!! fucking!! hot!!#but now i have to catch up to five weeks worth of shit but at least one of my friends promised to keep messageibg me so#and!! fter i finished a project for these fuckers. the timing is shit!! (but lso kinda great honestly i kinda dont want to see liverboy aga#anyway thats for today thank you and goodbye
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