#im angry and want to go home
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#hi besties#im angry and want to go home#pls send me silly asks n help me fall asleep later#me#mine#my body#moots say hi 💕#tattoos#yes im at work#i wanna kms
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UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
NEW NAME
transmaskmetaknight -> GOBSTOPPR
wanted a change of pace. the word gobstopper has been bouncing around in my head lately
#text#transmaskmetaknight#need a new pfp... and my phones home screen i wanna change it too.. n maybe redecorate the blog while im at it...#ive been tired and angry lately. its my hater arc etc etc#ugh idk. ive been trying to be more honest with my feelings#but that means my annoyance gets magnifyied like 10fold#ive been impatient about a lot of stuff that doesnt amuse me. ive hated the boop shit today bc the word is so. dumb. childish.#ugh i feel like one of those nerds with the minors dni in their fuckin bio at age 19#but its how i feel!! im tired of settling for things i find not very satisfying. i want art that feels real. i want fandom to shut up.#i want to watch shows that are not Cartoons for Babies. i want to feel something Real.#i need to go Deeper. i have to chase this
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if i had a dollar for every time a religious missionary knocked on my door to "spread the good news" while i was actively in an acute mental health crisis i'd have 2 dollars, which isnt a lot but also. how many times does this have to happen before they stop coming.
#technically ive actually had three but the ones where they come to my home feel more violating and embarrassing#heads up im going to talk about grim things but its so bananas that its hard not to talk about#2 years ago i had one come while i was Participating In An Activity One Does When You're Grappling With SI#and it was a very bad time and an overall terrible encounter#especially bc it was obvious at the time i was deeply unwell but of course they didnt want to actually address it#and today i had two come while i was having an active manic episode and looked DEEPLY insane and was in the middle of some bullshit#and both times as soon as i opened the door i can tell theyre like 'oh fuck' and realize that theres something serious going on#but at the same time. play stupid games win stupid prizes.#if someone is having a MH crisis they try to do it in a safe and private environment like their gotdamn house for a reason w/o strangers#and if you just show up unannounced to talk about Mormonism to a random persons house theres a good chance youre going to be-#interrupting something and that something isnt always good#i know door-to-door solicitors are '''normal''' but the whole thing really whacks me out and makes me feel kind of angry
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Decided I had to write Lizzie's POV because I felt like I didn't get my point across in Jimmothy's and I'm still insane over Seablings smile
anyways something something Lizzie wants the world to burn but a conversation with her brother reminds her it needs to be a controlled fire or something like that
does that make sense. do I word good enough
You can read Jimmy's POV here!!
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It's not fair.
A blast of warmth consumes her as she enters the space after death, a stark contrast to the freezing temps of the void she'd found herself falling into moments ago, and it's not fair.
She hadn't even wanted to be part of these stupid games! But when Joel had mentioned another one starting, another period where she was left behind for Void knows how long, she couldn't stand the thought of letting him go through it alone again. It was bad enough, watching him lose his mind during the last one. Watching him lose it upon Jimmy's death, jolting awake in the middle of the night upon Joel's sudden return, upon his death. She'd never get that look out of her head - a fear she only ever saw at the end of the games, how he'd fallen into her arms and sobbed as she could do nothing but whisper to him and-
Lizzie sighs, picking at the loose threads of her dress. It's not fair.
Why her, of all people? Why was she always the one to forget, to be left behind? It wasn't fair. She wants to scream, at who she isn't entirely sure yet. But she wants to scream, to let out this stupid pent-up rage she always gained during this stupid game and-
And she's so tired. She just wants to go home.
Where is that? She wonders. She'd forgotten that long ago.
Distantly, she can hear Jimmy celebrating, and she can't help but glare into the nothingness. She can hear him being congratulated by other players and it's just not fair. Somewhere beneath it she can hear Joel calling for her, the only one who came to her party, but it's drowned out by the praise and it's like her death doesn't even matter and it's not fair it's not fair.
She shouldn't have gone to the End. She knew, she knew it was dangerous- Why had she done that? It was stupid, she knew it was stupid, so why-
Oh.
That's right. She had done it for Joel.
And somewhere she can remember being told to trust no-one, not when you're part of the Life games, and she's reminded of that look her husband had after that she can never forget. There's an ache, a flame threatening to spark beneath her ribs and she wants nothing more than to burn. But she can't, because the Void had claimed her before she could, and it's just not fair.
She feels it as a new presence enters the After-Void.
Lizzie watches, a match tossed into the already lit flame, as Jimmy celebrates his "win". Her death means nothing, she thinks. Her death means nothing because he wasn't the one in her place.
There's a part of her that wants to run to him, to cheer him on and congratulate him and he had done it! He had done it, because of her. She clears her throat, and it's a small victory when he nearly jumps out of his skin and screams.
"Congrats!" She puts on a smile, tries not to show how much she was hurting. But she lets the anger show. She wouldn't try to hide that. "You did it. Congratulations, Jimmy." Brother, she wants to say instead. Malicious and betrayed and hurt.
There's something painfully familiar about it, about being the only two left in a world only they were a part of. She watches as he reaches a hand up to his neck and her breathing hitches, knowing he must have thought it too. She squeezes her wrist to stop herself from doing the same.
"Lizzie-" His voice breaks on her name, and what right did he have to cry now? She was the one who died first. She was the one being ignored. "I wasn't- I didn't mean to-"
"To what, gloat?" Lizzie laughs, and she'll admit it came out harsher than she'd intended. It wasn't his fault she had died, but..She waves him off. "I'd have done the same. I mean- 4 seasons? You should be celebrating!" She wants to cringe, hearing herself speak like this.
There's an awkward silence between them, thick and suffocating and suddenly she regrets ever coming here.
"I didn't-" He pauses, and she can see the internal conflict he's having in his head. It was easier to resent him when he wasn't right here in front of her.
It's not fair, she thinks to herself. She hadn't chosen to leave him behind first, she hadn't chosen to forget everyone she ever loved, so why- Why was she being punished for it? She never wanted to, if she could go back to that lifetime and knock some sense into that stupid Ocean Queen she would in a heartbeat, but she couldn't do that. So now she had to be the one to be abandoned? It's not fair, it's not-
But he's looking at her with those sad eyes she never wanted to be the cause of, with cursed golden feathers and scars from death after death and he's scratching at his neck like he can tear it back and reveal gills long forgotten and-
It's not fair, blaming him for her sorrows.
So Lizzie, too tired to keep the flame alive anymore, just takes his hand - pulling it away from where he'd been digging his nails into the side of his neck. "It's okay, Jimmy. You made it. That's all that matters now, right?" Despite herself, she can't help letting some of that anger slip through.
Eventually Jimmy nods, gently squeezing her hand, and she does her best to not fall apart. "I didn't mean to make you a Red," He says after long minutes of silence, that inner turmoil never settling.
Lizzie tilts her head, a small laugh. "How many times are you going to apologize for that?" And she knows, she knows that's not what he meant, but she'll let him believe whatever he needs to. Because she was his sister once upon a time, and he still needed her, and she had time to be angry at the world later. "I already told you it was just a silly mist-"
"I missed you."
She pauses at that, and her heart aches for their lifetime in the sea once more. Lizzie can feel herself tearing up, but she refuses to break down - not in front of him. So instead she smiles, pulling him down into a hug so he couldn't see. She can't find her voice at the moment, and it's hard to navigate, now that her little brother has wings instead of fins, but she hopes the point gets across anyway.
It's not quite forgiveness, not for what she'd been put through. But it was a start. An understanding.
A new presence stumbles in as they pull away, stumbling till he trips to the invisible floor and shouting something about a...fence post? He stops, cuts himself off upon realizing where he was, and looks to the other two players.
"We're really bad at this, aren't we?”
#beebo's journal#seablings#ldshadowlady#sl lizzie#solidaritygaming#jimmy solidarity#sl jimmy#slsmp spoilers#secret life spoilers#traffic smp#trafficblr#mcyt#mcytblr#in case my dumbass rambling at the start wasnt clear-#the idea is Lizzie wants her revenge. she wants to be angry and set the world on fire#but shes tired. shes so fucking tired and she just wants to go home#and the only things she has left of that lifetime is her husband and her brother#so she decides the world can burn another time. and she wont let that flame blind her to what truly caused her pain#or something like that#idk im very tired still lmao#oh also about jimmy's pov in this:#he's spent 4 seasons being the first one out so of course he's gonna celebrate when he finally isnt#but seeing Lizzie's state after she died. knowing he had some part in her dying first#he feels guilty#he's spent so long craving something and when he finally gets it its at the expense of his sister's life#and he realizes this was never a win. that curse is going to follow him to the grave (ha)#and he doesnt want to see the others get dragged down with him#somethin like that#no idea if it came across that way enjoy the rant if you made it down here thumbs up#giving a flower to anyone who read all of this > 🌻 enjoy
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Wanna watch me ramble about Frank and Eddie's Parenting for Much Too Long? No? Too bad here it is anyway!
I see a lot of interpretations of Frank and Eddie as parents where Eddie is the more lenient parent while Frank is more strict. But what if it was the other way around?
Update: ok. this just turned into me talking about their flaws as parents,, oh well that's cool to think about to
Frank's "not afraid to get dirty" attitude could lend itself to him being a parent who would let his kid go about and explore (with appropriate supervision and reasonable curfew of course) and overall have more faith in them to not get in too much trouble. Curfew to him is an agreed upon time between him and the teen, so about 10-11pm, maybe 12am if they're old enough and it's not a school night. He's far less likely to ground or take away privileges if they get into trouble (unless it's school but I'll get to that), usually turning it into a learning opportunity. Maybe restricting curfew if necessary.
Eddie on the other hand, has some worry wort tendencies and would be Terrified of his babies going out on their own, even if they're supervised by a friend's parent. His idea of a weekend curfew is 7-8pm and he needs a phone call or text every hour. or maybe every half hour. And when they do get into trouble he is the first to lecture them. He's more likely to want to ground or take privileges entirely, not just change curfew. Eddie's fine with after school stuff because knows a Teacher will be there and it's a school program/function. Though field trips and prom still make him a nervous wreck.
Frank hardly gets to lecture the kid(s) because Eddie gets to it first. the only time he does is when Eddie gets Too Upset or overwhelmed and Frank's worried he'll start yelling at them.
Though Frank's not without flaw either. Frank is more concerned with grades than Eddie is. He's more likely to pressure them By Accident and bring up college a lot when they're older. Eddie on the other hand never went to college, and knowing the American school system, he probably had more 'C's than 'A's despite how smart he really is. So Eddie is less concerned with perfect grades and believes if the kid doesn't want to go to college they shouldn't be pressured into it.
I won't go too in depth but I don't think Frank did many extracurriculars in high school. Meanwhile Eddie was getting into all sorts of activities. So when their child's grades have been slipping, Frank is the one to bring up taking them out of their extracurriculars "so they can focus on their grades." To which Eddie responds with a very firm No because he knows how much extracurriculars can mean to a kid.
Frank is also more strict with chores and such. Their room needs to be clean before they go anywhere, they make their bed every day, etc. Eddie is on board, but he understands Organized Chaos and that sometimes it takes a few extra minutes to get up and start a chore. (ADHD and Depression let's go babyy) Though he is stern about getting them done by a certain time (like before dinner). Frank would rather it be done sooner/when told.
In conclusion, Frank doesn't mean to pressure them so much, and Eddie doesn't mean to be so overbearing. They're great parents, but no one is perfect. I think they'd learn and grow overtime especially with each other to bounce off of and rely on. So in the end they turn out to be great parents whose kid(s) call and visit regularly when they're adults.
#hoo boy this is... very Long#my bad!#please ignore any typos i dont think i can read this another 50 times#this is what happens when im bored#and procrastinating.#flawed parents who try so hard and learn and grow for their children <3#still think eddie is more strict though.#even though this turned into them both being flawed. frank definitely lets them have more fun#so long as their grades are acceptable#eddie on the other hand isnt concerned with that.#Frank: You have 'A's! Be free!#Eddie: Be home before dinner. Go pick a club and answer when I call you. Because I will.#welcome home#eddie dear#frank frankly#typing out loud#Eddie “No I dont want you hanging out with them i haven't interrogated- i mean met their guardian yet” Dear#One Important thing i didn't mention in the post.#Frank or Eddie would Never physically punish a child.#they also hardly yell. IF they do its usually panic yelling not Angry yelling.#not me editing this in my drafts to correct my there. they're. and their usage.
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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#frank.txt#also shit is FUCKED rn . im so STRESSED#my landlord had a landlord moment so we're moving. also this place is getting unbearable#we live near freedom convoy folks and ive been called all sorts of slurs just trying to walk to 7/11 so . idk#maybe the next place will at least have homophobes that aren't as shouty and angry n shit bc GOD. GOD#that one guy that followed me halfway home just yelling slurs like yeah maybe moving out is a blessing in disguise#also this house haa no insulation which is awful in summer and winter#the next place we're going to is more expensive unfortunately but like. its insulated. doesnt have squirrels in the attic. or asbestos.#so uhm yayyy#its in a very secluded farmland area. tbh maybe thats what i need rn bc my physical and mental health arent super sturdy rn#physically feeling a bit bettr tho! just having bubble baths about it <3#i only post now on my priv twit @dykefiend rn#once things are settled ill go back to posting art .#bc i RLLY want to draw my own stuff soon i just gotta work on commissions wnd then start PACKING#genuinely almost cried last night thinking abt how i'll probably be able to see stars at night again#its the outskirts of the city in a rural area. super rundown broken down house but gorgeous yard. all u can hear is wind ans birds#no sirens or yelling or cars!
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ok so. today i am going to
fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3
ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3
check into a hotel by myself for the first time
walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today
give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes
#purrs#conference tag#chicago#im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o#if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been#other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt#like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself#if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely#anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell#myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen#to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie#i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have#been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha#i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before#like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i#genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still
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Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening
OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.
sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.
i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .
#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol#anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol#i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious;#ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc#then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close.#next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go.#they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state#i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go.#like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away.#yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u#to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds#if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing.#my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left#in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself#22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world#i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too#i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like#i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this#situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it#ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming.#at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy#while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday#like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh.#i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare#and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth???#truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin#when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!!#its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever#mcr#when will mcr return from the war
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#came home after a month#and its.only me my mum and my brother#and my mum tells us about how my dad is still emotionally abusing her#and i thought it had stopped and i thought it had changed#and she said she's only telling right now because none of her finances#and her earning from her job are in her hand#and none of the properties#and i know she hasnt ever told my grandparents#and my heart has been so broken since yesterday#and im so angry and tired.#i wish they had divorced#i wish all the shit that she went through was put an end to#my dad constantly accuses her of cheating when he a pn user and i hate everything#i hate that i was ever born and ever brought pain to my mum#its such an immature reaction but this is the legacy im born into#my grandpa was abusive to my grandma#my mother is abused vy my dad#and still they want me to go through all that shit#fuck all#ill get a job and get these women out#fuck men fuck all men#my brother had no reactuon to this#they really dont care#they really never cared#i have lnown this but its fresh pain every single fucking day#i hate everything#my body starts reacting so violently when i come back home but i need to get out and get others out#fuck this life man
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venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed
#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the#guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over#and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO.#because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed.#but i wish we could#my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him.#i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too#vent#SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist#my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them.#i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it#AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room#and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes#baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying#and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it#but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie#and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much.#i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me#also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that
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Omg I can't I believe I forgot
#this one time i didnt want to go to school.#and my mom was parked like in the front to drop me off and i obviously didnt get out. and she was sitting there for like 5 minutes and got#angry at me and said “youre embarrassing me. youre an embarrassment”#and then took these hard cover books and fucking threw them at me which hurt.. over?? embarrassing you??? by not getting out of the car??#and then said “im gonna beat your ass when we get home.”#and when we did. i went out the other side of the car door and started walking towards this park near our house. and she said#“dont come crying to me when you get raped.”
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btw big shoutout to that woodworking class i took in my final semester of high school for allowing me to 1. not constantly sound like i'm talking entirely out of my ass and 2. hide some very niche secrets because of the like 2 full months of paperwork & osha training before i got to actually build anything
#dont click see all on the tags i accidentally went insane over woodworking Its Not Worth it#god that class was such a mess. it took so long bc we couldn't all go to the shop unless everybody passed the safety test#and. well i'm pretty sure only i and like 3 other kids actually wanted to be there . im still a bit angry about it yeah#i wanted to build a table for my mom for mother's day and didn't finish it til JUNE and then it fell APAAARRTTTTTTTT!!!!! but its FINE#I WAS GRADUATING LIKE A WEEK AFTER BUILDING THAT TABLE BUT ITS ///FINEEEEEE////#THE actual knowledge that i still retained from it is really funny tho tbh#the only thing you can call a guard on a bandsaw is the lil 2" radius circle printed around where the blade goes through the table#if you put your fingers inside of that circle they will be Swiftly Removed#i am more comfortable with that fucking thing than a hand drill#however drill presses are fine. kinda fun actually#walnut smells really good when it's being ripped but the dust gets fucking everywhere somehow even more than white oak#that was my last class of the day that semester and i would constantly go home with my black clothes having turned brown#and i'll say. most fulfilling class i've ever taken to be completely honest#ik i am not attending a trade school but WHYYYYYY DOESNT MY UNIVERSITY OFFER WOODWORKING AAAAGGG#WHAT IF I DROP OUT TO BECOME ONE OF THOSE YOUTUBER GUYS THAT MAKES TABLES THAT ALL LOOK THE SAME HUH. WAHT THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!#WHAT IF I WANT TO MAKE 32 TABLETOPS OUT OF MINIMALLY TRIMMED SLABS AND EPOXY THAT ALL SOMEHOW LOOK BORING. WHAT IF I MAKE BANK ON THAT#ITS! BETTER!! THAN ALL THESE ESSAYS!!!!!!!!!#ahegm sorry folks. what i meant to say is that whenever ebony looks like he's creaming himself over furniture that's me talking through him#all that being said if i ever have to look at autocad ever again i will start huffing the polyurethane
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immmm really. not great rn
#im so tired#i dont know who to talk to#i tried distracting myself but it’s not really working#everything feels so dull#i hate my job. i’m tired. i want to go home#i’m at home. but. idk#it doesn’t feel like enough#idk what to do#i really seriously thought about just straight up quitting today#i just. feel so empty. and drained#i’m either stressed or i’m angry#but rn i just feel. like. white noise ig?#and i have been trying very hard to grasp onto anything#but nothing is really. doing it for me#haha anyway how is everyone else
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basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it
#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried#im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that#im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal#just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭#and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails#like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow#and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things#like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice#and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off#she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭#why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin#AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed#im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim#like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now#and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT#but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work#like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough#the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY#hella goes home
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Being bored with adhd is such a fucking nightmare like what the fuck I'm sitting here wishing that I could physically peel the skin off my body just to have something to DO
#before anyone suggests it: i dont have the patience/attention span to read rn so books/fics are out#nornally when im bored id play sims but my pc wont even boot up so thats out#and i lost my word processor on my laptop during a reboot so i cant do any writing#so i have NOTHING to do and its making me actually angry#no i cant go out either i have no money#i couldnt go out even if i DID have money because i have to be at home to take care of my grandmother#i want to smash my head into a brick wall#boredom is fucking PAINFUL
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