#im a little obsessed with it asdfsdfd
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hi i'd like to know about your transfem fuuta thoughts please. if that's ok
"if that's ok" as if I haven't been rotating transfem fuuta in my mind for a long time and dying for an excuse to post something 👀👀👀 Thank you so much Ah!! I was able to format my little ideas and headcanons into an actual write-up, I just love this concept so much! All the big murderous twists in the series and I’ll never get over it is what it is...
So, as much as I enjoy headcanons about some big revelation moment, I think that Fuuta Terminally Online Kajiyama has been very aware of his identity for a while. He just never really got the motivation to do anything about it. He knows he's not completely satisfied with his gender, but isn't constantly suffering over it, so he thinks telling people/transitioning would be way too much of a hassle at that point in his life. He also struggles with people taking him seriously given his height, attitude, etc -- unconsciously he's also worried it will only make matters worse in that area.
He wouldn't dare say anything to his parents, and wants to avoid hassle with his friends. People paint them as judgy incels sometimes, but if they were really calling out ‘bad guys’ online, I always got the vibe they were those annoying type of progressives who will harass people for not being accepting in the perfect correct way, you know? They'd be outwardly supportive but there's still a level of high expectations and performance that comes with it, and so deep down Fuuta understands there'd be a "hassle," but can't really define why.
I mentioned in another hc post that Fuuta and his sister have a silent supportive relationship. I feel like she's the one person in his life who knows everything and is super accepting -- this is understood even though neither have said anything out loud. (When he was younger, she definitely forced him into skirts, dresses, and accessories "to check something for her beautician work.") She's noticed all the times he's picked a female avatar in games, or cosplayed in ambiguous outfits.
Then, Milgram. Thinking his life will be over soon anyway, he opens up to a few of the prisoners about himself. Their unexpected openness keeps it on his mind more often than before. Still, nothing changes. Through some rocky verdicts, he's declared innocent and released.
Back in the real world, he's pretty fucked up from the whole ordeal, and starts off extremely isolated. He's in touch with his family, but distant. He maintains contact with some of the other released prisoners, but it starts off only over the phone. He changes schools or maybe drops out completely. Having deleted all online accounts after the incident, he gets to work setting up a new online presence. He was planning on using an alias anyways, and goes with something gender neutral. "To be extra safe that no one guesses it's me," he tells himself.
Letting his hair grow out begins as an accident -- just a side effect of never going out or minding his appearance. One day he realizes how long he's let it go and grabs some scissors to cut it. He makes a comment in his chat, and someone begs him to send a picture first. He goes to take it, but is suddenly disgusted and ashamed of his self-neglect. He's forced to make himself selfie presentable first: brushing his hair and throwing on something clean real quick. When he goes to take the picture, he realizes it looks good. It feels good. He puts the scissors away.
Soon, the prisoners/some new online friends coax Fuuta to hang out more. That's when she decides to reintroduce herself into society as someone new. She ventures out with the name of a favorite video game character. (I'm going to continue saying Fuuta because I genuinely can't name a single popular character from games she'd play, but just picture the most painfully obvious one you can. The kind you hear and go "oh okay. You play X too much, huh." And please send me your thoughts so I can work them into my own personal canon 👀)
She doesn't have any hatred towards her deadname, it's more the pain of association: she remembers it said accusingly from the mouths of ex-friends. She remembers that name being called a murderer. She's not trying to deny/run from that past, she just wants to be someone better. Well, some days it is her way of running away, but most of the time it's a healthy separation from the past.
Encouraged by the positive reception and abundance of privacy in her isolation, she finally starts to explore her appearance more. Mikoto left behind some earrings during a visit -- she pierces her ears herself and tries them on. (If she doesn't like them, the holes will just heal, right? She's not weak, she can take a little pain...) Yuno/Mahiru stayed over once, and left a bit of makeup in the bathroom. She tries that on too. With a beautician in the family, this self-styling comes very easily. Fuuta's cowardly tendencies have her torn between embarrassment and her typical 'fuck you' attitude that she can do whatever she wants.
You know when you solve a tiny problem and suddenly you're smacked with how much of a huge problem it actually was? Fuuta never believed she had any issues before, but all of the sudden she's happier. Every day is easier. She has more friends. True friends. She does better with school/work. Her personality is still fiery, but it's more passion than irritability now. Self-hatred she didn't recognize starts melting away. She smiles more. She laughs more. She has plans for her future. She's excited about her future.
(Shameless art plug hehe, before I had the timeline nailed down I did a little drawing of that selfie Fuuta takes when she realizes she's satisfied with this appearance, and now has newfound motivation to move forward in life.)
Over time she experiments with other elements of transitioning, and maybe changes her name to something a bit more subtle lol.
Unfortunately, I don't think it would go over well with her parents, but she never much cared for their opinions, anyway. One day a bit in the future, she bumps into her old friends in the street. Once recovering from panic, she's pleasantly surprised that they don't recognize her. Fuuta thought her appearance/fashion wasn't that different, but to fair, the friends figured they'd remember a stunning redhead with a very noticeable eye injury if they'd met before...
And just a few quick prisoner reactions (because in my heart they're all making it out ;--;):
Yuno has similar relationship as Fuuta's sister, offering immense help without unnecessary words. She's Fuuta’s go-to contact for trying new things and asking questions.
When Mahiru first finds out, she goes a bit overboard with a makeover attempt. She and Muu provide their most frilly, glimmering outfits. They paint her nails and do makeup. They style her hair. This obviously turns out to be way too much, earning them a Fuuta-typical rant. Still, she's secretly moved by their enthusiasm and kindness.
After that, designer Mikoto tries his hand at helping. Fuuta had been really worried the two of them would lose their guys nights out and relaxed friendship, but their relationship never changes.
Shidou is very accepting and very awkward. He's trying!! He gets excited, sending her all this information and help for medically transitioning.
Fuuta invites Kazui to their first pride parade <3
Though there's no return address on the package, Fuuta receives a gift of miscellaneous earrings and piercings in the mail with a note that they'd suit her well…
#milgram#fuuta kajiyama#and the others briefly#(i never know how to write pre and post transition pronouns so i just switch when she does)#thank youuuuu ive literally wanted to post something but wasnt sure if it was silly or anyone would care ;-; so this made me sooo excited#fuuta my beloved!!#it is what it is my beloved!!#i just want that for her so bad!!#its funny because i know thats not what yamanaka intended and still it fits So Well:#theres so much attention on her self perception - fear of how others perceive her - the self hatred - the layered clothes#OUGH#haruka amane and es are supportive as well i just couldnt think of specifics#jackalope isnt -_-#i say fuuta and kazui went to pride together but i mean practically all the other prisoners are there too sadfds#its just the biggest deal to them#another art mention -- @sequoiareachesforthesky drew her the other day and ive been Looking Hoo Boy 👁️👁️#im a little obsessed with it asdfsdfd#i was supposed to finish my next drabble before formatting all this but shhh i wont tell if you dont#im just stuck on some simple dialogue but this was flowin lol#i dont know other peoples thoughts on her but i hope you enjoy :3#and yeah i live under a rock and know 0 gamer names -- please tell me lol#rose posts
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