Someone should tell Eve that squeak doesn't get to decide how we feel about squeak's characters.

REAL. this is definitely gonna set some people off, but the whole "cuddles is the only real villain in the entire story and all the other staff are actually innocent" narrative is bullshit. nearly everyone that works at that hospital tortures and permanently detriments innocent lives if not ending them entirely in brutal ways, and were supposed to just forgive every single one just because "theyre being forced to do so"?

also, the "one true villain" being the only cishet and likely only neurotypical in the comic really rubs me the wrong way. apparently the reason sparklecare even got rebooted was because kneeby thought having evil characters also be queer was "bad representation". i am not a fan of the "queer people can do no wrong" approach. as someone whos gay and under the trans umbrella, id like to point you towards dahmer and chris chan.

jeffrey dahmer was a gay man who cannibalized other gay men. christine chandler is a transgender woman who committed incest. those traits are not mutually exclusive in the real world. they are taken simultaneously, unrelated to eachother unless you go out of your way to relate them. and i think its safe to say that nobody would try and link dahmers sexuality with his actions unless theyre homophobic.

just because one figure within a minority is fucked up, does not mean the rest of the minority is fucked up by association. if that was the case, then id be associated with edp445 and h/tler due to the fact im black and suffer from autism. but thats not the case at all, so why are the clowns so afraid of letting queer characters be antagonists, or vice versa?

all the nurses are treated like theyre completely innocent just because of their identities and/or them being possibly coded as neurodivergent. it seriously comes across as infantilizing queer and/or autistic people, which as someone whos both, i do not like. especially nurse puppy. i do not like the way puppy is written.

puppy is, in my opinion, the most explicitly autistic coded character in the comic (not including characters that are confirmed to be). lo is also the most babied by both the clowns and the fandom. loves whole premise is that cuddles brainwashed lov into seeing loves job (murdering and torturing innocent civilians) as a fun game. lo is canonically 30 years old, by the way.

speaking from experience, us autists are relatively easy to take advantage of when were younger, due to our difficulty grasping social cues. ive been taken advantage of by so many people in just fourteen years of being on this earth. ive been groomed, sextorted by someone who i saught out comfort from after said grooming, painted as a predator by the very person who sextorted me, and then propped by my only remaining "friend" group who would bring all that shit up just to milk my reaction and use it to further damage my reputation.

almost all these people were also queer and autistic, and coincidentally also liked sparklecare, my sextorter being the one who initially got me into it, since he had a uni pfp one time. theyre also victims of similar shit themselves. does that mean all queers/autists/sparklecare fans/abuse victims are like them? no. but does being any of those things excuse the torment they put me through? no the fuck it does not. you cannot give me the excuse of them "not knowing" or being "brainwashed", theyre all at least two years older than me, some being legal adults as im writing. you cannot convince me they didnt intend to fuck me up.

so it reasonably infuriates me to see a Grown Ass 30 Year Old Adult That Murders People For Fun And Listens To Them Scream In Misery With A Smile On Loves Face given the excuse of "lo doesnt know!!!! blame cuddles not lov!!!!" and the fandom just not questioning that at all. imagine watching your lover or best friend get murdered by someone breaking into their house and chucking a toaster into their bath while theyre taking a shower, and the cops* tell you to sue the manufacturers of the toaster. see how fucked that logic is? thats basically sparklecare.

*not like you should trust american cops but i needed an example ok

one of these people i described earlier happens to kin puppy, what a surprise. maybe im just projecting, but the most explicitly autistic coded character (also the only character so far that uses neopronouns/identifies as a xenogender) being treated this way is revolting to say the least, and i feel like lo is made immune to criticism by the clowns because lo just so happens to be those things. if this character werent queer, they would give no chances.* i will gladly allow puppy to exist as is, same personality, everything, i dont mind. its the constant infantilization and justification of loves abhorrent actions that upsets me.

*and this applies to all the other nurses in the comic, except maybe nurse snare since shes practically nonexistant after volume one. but in volume one we are shown barry being tortured and injured by, as far as i can tell, every nurse thats been introduced so far. barry, one of the fandoms most beloved characters, is put through excruciating pain and trauma on screen (with a million trigger warnings before each page, in typical clowns fashion) and nobody gives a fuck once its over, just because everyones queer except cuddles, and cuddles is the Only One To Blame For Anything At All Times.

the cycle of abuse is extremely common. an abuser being a victim does not cancel out them being an abuser, and if theyre not actively seeking help theyre a bad person, regardless of what minorities they belong to. but that does not mean everybody within that minority is a bad person. sparklecares creators and fandom cant seem to grasp that. kneeby cannot erase my opinions on the way the staff is portrayed.

if i had a nickel for every time i asked you for headcanons about an autistic penumbra podcast character i’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice (ie: please talk about cecil being autistic thanks)

YES YES YES . THANK YOU FOR ENABLING ME REENTERING MY CECIL KANAGAWA ERA U WILL DEFINITELY NOT REGRET THIS (lies)

okay so right . before i get into my Personal hcs i feel like i should explain why he is literally so fucking autistic to the point that despite being a oneoff chara he to this day is one of my strongest supported autistic hcs . because i could go into like Depth and pick apart a bunch of tiny little details but literally if i just in very broad strokes describe him as "a guy with an extremely narrow interest that he zeroes in on and impulsively buys tons of things out of excitement for it and who is infantilized by his mother despite being a grown adult and whose 'best friend' in fact seems to deeply resent him a fact he is entirely clueless of because of his inability to read the very obvious social cues" and ull be MORE than convinced so why would i bother

speaking of which he has a special interest on ancient torture devices which is like two steps away from canon anyway <3 his show is one massive excuse to infodump on the subject . pov youre about to get your head chopped off and you just want to get it over with but unfortunately your would-be murderer is giddily explaining the history of the guillotine

i think hes like . he has this weird masking thing that he cant stop doing where he basically CONSTANTLY even when hes not on camera acts like hes acting like hes constantly flourishing and performing for a camera and an audience and shit . its part of why people tend to find him kind of obnoxious because hes CONSTANTLY doing his stage persona bc thats just how he masks and gets thru social interaction while still seeming charismatic and he doesnt really know how to switch it off totally

VERY VERY VERY stimmy he cant hold still hes CONSTANTLY moving especially when hes talking . usually this shows as him just pacing back and forth and flourishing in the air while he talks but when ehs VERY excited he flaps his hands a lot and claps his hands and giggles . he kicks his legs when hes sitting down a lot hes basically always swinging his legs bc he cant hold still but when he gets hyped up its VERY AGGRESSIVE . which is bad bc hes always wearing very thick boots

he like . he masks a lot to hide Social Awkwardness which hes pretty good at but hes very very bad at masking his emotions if hes uspet hes UPSET . especially with sensory issues if you ruffle his hair when hes not expecting it he gets VERY FLAILY and makes a lot of dismayed noises he cant really regulate his reactions to stuff at all . im crazy about cecil and junos weird half-friendship so i think he Knows cecils ways of reacting to stuff and like just out of habit he immediately course corrects whenever cecil makes one of his little agh argh rhghrhg noises that means hes overwhelmed and trying Very Badly to mask it . dont let anyone kno tho they cant know juno (ugh) Doesnt Want Cecil To Be Upset or whatever

he likes lots of pressur!!!!!! im weak for the idea of the cameramen just being silly little dogs when theyre not doing their work and shit so he likes just lying down and letting one of these MASSIVE fucking genetically engineered monster creatures just fwop on him so he has pressure . tbh

ok im going on forever i can talk about how autismcore he is for hours . but last hc i swear i swear . hes very much a sensory seeking autistic he cant handle Surprise sensations but he LOVES sensory input when hes the person thats Causing It To Occur. he always has SUPER BRGIH SPOTLIGHTS on even when ehs not filming because he likes the bright light he likes clothes that he can swish around for the sound and feel and look of it hes VERY VERY VERY physically clingy for the stim of physical affection juno steel cannot enter the kanagawa household without cecil hanging off his arm

hes my skrunkly skringlo my blorbo boytoy etc etc etc

I'm tired of non-disabled, non-neurdivergent, nosy ass busy bodies telling me that the way I interact with my friends means im being infantilized

Like ,I really appreciate it when people ask things like "did you remember to eat today?" "Did you remember to take your medicine?"

And I like when my friend is making us lunch and she remembers the things that I find hard to eat so she leaves them out or she makes sure none of my food touches.

And when we go out to eat I appreciate when my friends are willing to order for me so I dont have to try and talk to a stranger.

I like when people I care about help me and a lot of the time that makes outsiders think I like being infantilized

But there's a difference between someone believing i am incapable of taking care of myself and someone knowing that I struggle with certain things and making sure I have support when I need it.

I can forget to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my hair, and take my medicine. I have dissociative and depressive episodes that make it difficult to remember to do these things sometimes and It helps when someone reminds me.

I have sensory issues and a lot of them center around texture, textures of certain foods can and will make me physically sick. Mixing certain textures or having certain food touching and mixing together have the same effect. It helps when whoever is cooking remembers this so I dont have to try and navigate the problem without being rude.

I also have ptsd and anxiety, these disorders make it more difficult to talk to strangers, some days are easier than others but it helps to know that someone would be willing to talk for me if I needed them to.

Even though I struggle through life this does not mean I cant take care of myself. I have been taking care of myself for nearly 20 years. Just because I appreciate and want help doesn't mean I am incapable of functioning.

I dont like being infantilized and I dont need strangers yelling at my friends for helping me.

Basically mind your own damn business

This isnt about anyone on this app just btw, its about a fake woke 25 year old waitress in an applebees who saw my friend order for me and decided that she'd try to play "good Samaritan" and ignored my friend to ask me multiple times for my order, escalating the situation by then accusing my friend of abuse when they tried to explain the situation because I was too anxious to talk

Its about the person who was invited to our friends-giving who saw another friend of mine make my plate (because I was helping set the dessert table) and made a Comment about how he was making sure my mashed potatoes didn't touch my bread and how he put the corn in a separate bowl so it didn't make any of my other food soggy. This person decided that it was weird that my friend would do this for me and even weirder that I had these eating habits, they compared me to a spoiled child.

This is about everyone who has ever seen someone remind me to do something and told them that I could take care of myself and then got upset when I explained that yes I can but its nice to have help. The people who accuse me of being ableist and say that I encourage my friends to treat disabled people like babies.

I am a person who hasn't had much help before now and now that I do have help im not going to reject it just so some random fuckheads can feel like they saved the day

Assuming I dont understand my friends behavior or actions is assuming I'm too dumb or naive to stand up for myself and technically thats a form of infantilization so go fuck yourself

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

The “Wraith Girl”

There was once a very young happy child, no older than 3 or 4 years. She had golden locks that bounced in the sun and the familiar blue of eyes that have yet to change. And she was proud of her blue eyes. But then one day at daycare, another girl said she drew her picture wrong. The girl laughed and said, “My eyes have always been blue!”

Shaking her head, the other girl pointed and told her her eyes were brown. So after asking to go to the bathroom to check, the poor little girl discovered that the other girl was right. Her brilliant blue eyes that had matched the summer sky on a cloudless day, had become akin to mud.

That was the first to change of many things for the young girl.

By the time she was 5 and entered into the schooling system of her all human village, her pretty golden locks that shone like the sun had begun to turn as well. No longer like wheat freshly ripe im the feilds was it, but more along the lines of the last leaves to fall before winter, a lighter brown than her eyes for sure, but still much too different for her liking. But she learned to love her hair, as it was what all the mothers in town always complimented her on.

Come the next year, all of her infantile chubbiness had faded, and soon the other children started to notice.

“What happened to your skin?” one would ask.

“Are you one of those nasty skin walkers?!” pointed another.

“Did your mommy or daddy turn you into a wraith?”

All of these became a fairly common occurance for the little girl. And it was clear to see why. Her clothes hung off her shoulders loose and ill fitting, even though her mother had taken in the sides to make it appear less obvious. So too, had her mother taken in the waist of her skirts so that they did not fall past her bony hips. But no matter how many times she was taken to the loca doctor and even once to the doctor over in the big city, each time they would assure the girls mother that she was perfectly fine and healthy, that she simply had a high metabolism.

“Don’t worry dearest, you’ll grow out of it” her mother would promise her on their way back home, “We’ve just got to start feeding you more!”

So the girl ate and she ate, and she went to school like nothing was wrong. And even when the other kids would laugh at how bony and thin she was, she’d continue smiling and holding her head up high. But she would soon come to realize that this was not something that would leave her soon.

No, it wasn’t until she was nearly twelve that her body began to fill out, even if it was only just a little. Although, from the girls point of view, going from being able to observe each of her vertebrae in her spine in refined detail and count each of her ribs without even having to feel for them to suddenly hardly being able to notice them at all was fantastic. She smiled so wide at how the backs of the chairs didn’t hurt any more, at how her clothes no longer looked as if they were hanging off the line. And she thought too, that her friends at school would be happy for her too.

“Hey Wraith Girl!” How very wrong she was. So stunned was she, and dehected that she began to isolate herself, no longer chatting with others in the hallways, diligently taking notes and studying rather than going out and playing. Years would pass, and soon her hair had grown so long that she began to have trouble sitting on it. So she’d braid it back and tuck it up or over her shoulder. And after a few years of her silence, the other children stopped calling out to her. Instead, they’d whisper and look at her tentatively.

It seemed that the others, so caught up in their chatting, had failed to notice her when walking in the halls. All the other children had become convinced she was a wraith, for how else could they explain never seeing her at lunch or in the hallways between classes. She must be turning invisible, was one common thought they shared, though the girl could still hear them clearly as she passed. “I think she just teleports outside of each classroom and waits!” Said one boy one day. They were all chatting at lunch outside, even the girl was sitting under the shade of a nearby tree.

“Well, I for one don’t like the idea of a wraith living near me! Mother, of course, agrees with me, but Father insists that he’s talked with their father who is adamant that they aren’t a wraith,” the most popular girl boasted, easily drawing in the attention of the others around her. “I mean, after all, what’s to stop them from cursing us all to bits if we accidentally make them upset?”

“She wouldn’t do that” claimed a boy next to her, “she’s too timid to even try!” The others seemed to be more inclined towards the girls sentiments.

And so, it was after hearing these unsettling conversations that the girl began to become anxious. As the end of the school year approached, along with her 15th birthday, she thought she’d make one last attempt at being friendly with her peers. So, three weeks before the date of the party, she and her mother paid to have all the invitations delivered, asking of course at the bottom of each, to notify the family in advance if anyone wouldn’t be able to make it, with at least 24 hour notice.

The dawn rose on the 4th, and it was as it was just begining its assent that the mother recieved 30 letters, all saying that they were either sick, or that they had gone to a summer house further out and couldn’t make it.

“Mom?”

“Yes dear?”

“Why does no one in school like me?”

The mother turned to her daughter, who was sitting by the window sewing a button back into place, while occasionally stairing out at the blue sky. The same blue that had once colored her irises.

Sighing deeply, her mother shook her head, “I don’t know child. I really don’t. All the mothers’ I’ve talked to recently have all spoken very highly of you,” she paused thinking.

“Perhaps,” the girl began with tears in her eyes, finding it hard to deny the thoughts now circling her mind like a constricting viper, slowly making it harder and harder to breath, “perhaps it’s because they think me ... a-a filthy acursed wraith!” And just as suddenly as she had burst into tears, was she running from the room, going to hide in her own.

Her poor mother looked out, after her, not knowing what to do. She had met wraithes before, back when she was in her own village. Infact, her mother had met many species of travelers, all differing kinds of characters and temperments. It was this knowledge and experience that led her to feel so conflicted now. Yes, it was true, the creation of wraiths was a powerful and potentially dangerous process, but they were all still the kind or generous or brave souls that they had been in life. It was simply that now they inhabited another’s body. But the people of this village hadn’t been near enough to the borders of the kingdom to have met those travelers. They were secluded, and close minded, teaching each new generation of the horrors of the other races. Her mother had never told anyone, except of course her husband, of the fact that she lived with the other races at one point. And she feared that if she were to reveal it now, that her daughter would be blinded by fears and confusion, the mother’s own mind going into the worst case scenario.

It was a knock at the door that drew her from her quiet turmoil. Upon opeing the door, the mother found the village leader, the priest, the doctor and the town grave digger. And it was as she saw the look on her faces, that she became engulfed in an holy fury, the fury that only the mother of a falsly accused child could have.

It would seem, the girls trials had only just begun.

I need headcanons about your human rk900 pronto. He sounds delightful!

i have a lot of asks to reply to but i couldn’t sleep today because i was already answering to this in my head THANK U to give me this opportunity to talk about my bitch™we’ll break him down point by point slowly:he’s the youngest of the trio, born probably after a year or two. he’s a little prince. connor&60 are twins, yes, they experienced some ‘childish rivarly’ but never jealousy. they’re the same. maybe without RK900′s birth they would have hated each other in some weird and difficult way but he’s here, so they form a coalition against this ‘change’ (more connor than 60, he’s the mischievous one when little). connor&60 relationship gets kinda morbid. they tease him a lot because they’re older and because he has all the attention. nothing new in babye’s behaviour, just something that will go away when they all grow up. except it doesn’t. and really it’s not their fault, most of the time kids aren’t inherently evil but adults are. well, if you want to call amanda ‘evil’. because she’s not inherently evil either– she’s just herself. which is a kind of bad self towards connor&60&RK900 but i think, i guess, i hope, she never meant harm to them. anyway. she adopts them at some point. (are their parents dead? is she their aunt? distant relative?) 5 for the twins and 3 / 4 for RK900 would make sense. it’s a trauma of course. connor&60 lash out at any given time, they don’t want to be there. they’re moody, connor is somewhat violent with others, 60 cries a lot. RK900 is…. nothing. at 3 you haven’t even properly started to be a person yet. you’re aware of yourself in the moment but that doesn’t count, since usually ‘memory’ and ‘the awareness of self’ are kinda the same, and at 3 there’s very few things you remember in retrospective. especially at 4, for some reason, it’s difficult to remember when you were 4. (for the records infantile amnesia & false memories are v interesting things!). tho that depends on person and on events (deaths should be well carved in your brain, even at a chemical level). and were RK900 to remember these fragments it is said that the emotional attachment would be very low. (see?? im studying for my kids exam!!! im that bitch!!).amanda cares for them, though her ‘idea’ of caring never includes emotional support. which should never lack to anyone, less to three kids without their parents. she tries to raise them to her best (amanda as a ‘mother’ is a nice comparison to her game’s role imo, there too she acts as someone who watches over connor) but kinda takes connor&60 for ‘lost causes’ pretty soon. they remember their parents, she will never be a replacement for them. they know. she knows. RK900 doesn’t know. he can’t. never got to know them enough. they don’t know. she knows. she focuses much more on RK900, shaping him right from the start into what she thinks is one should be. he doesn’t mind, amanda’s all he gets to call ‘mother’. he feels that he’s doing something wrong, his brothers make him understand that. they don’t want to play with him, don’t want to talk with him, they ignore him. connor blames him for everything as a scapegoat, he says caustic things to him. ‘look at your eyes.’ ‘i don’t have a brother, i don’t know you.’ ‘you’re probably someone else’s and i hate you.’ 60 does too until he realizes that RK900 doesn’t deserve this. he concludes that, were they to hate someone, it should be amanda. but never says so. they grow up. there’s lots of negative feelings. connor hates amanda and RK900, hardly stands 60. 60 would like to adapt and learn to love everyone in this ‘family’ but it’s impossible in this environment. RK900 has self-esteem and guilt problems, he obeys whatever amanda says because he knows no better and gains the only name connor will call him for a long time ‘pet’. amanda is: a rather complicated character here. she’s somewhat neutral, she doesn’t hate connor nor 60 nor RK900, her actions are never dictated by resentment, despite these children were basically dumped in front of her home. but then again she’s not guided by love either. i think her only fault was not picking a side (sloth?). but then again this is not a ‘fault’ at the 100%. can’t force someone to love someone they don’t, especially in such situation. which is why, in some way, even when openly against her, connor&60 still seek her approval. probably, if she recognized their efforts without betting everything on RK900 and comparing him to them they would have been more at peace.during their high-school/college years connor decides to cut off ties. he’s going to be free. leaving everything behind. 60 is torn. he can be with amanda and RK900, accepting his never-ending future of being second. or he can be what he’s always been, connor’s shadow. but at least connor lets him do what he wants. one night connor has a bad argument with amanda (no, she never raises her voice, but he sure does) and storms off into his room. (they have 3 rooms but 60 can’t really sleep when alone so he’s almost always in connor’s, begging him to sleep together, that he will be invisible, that he will put his pillow at the end of the bed and be quiet and rest in the opposite position as connor. connor is lowkey annoyed but he has nightmares often (which get worse after cole) and 60 is a nice presence so he just says ‘you’re a hopeless gay AND if you touch my dick i’ll kill you’) 60 goes to him to talk but sees that he’s putting clean clothes in a bag. 60′s able to convince him to not be so stupid but connor warns him ‘as soon as a i can i’ll leave this place and you’ll have to decide, either you’re with me or you’re with them’. 60 knows he’s not joking. and the day connor’s ready to go away and start college he follows him. they live together for some time. connor has always wanted to be a detective (a child’s dream, pure). he puts everything he’s got. he’s good. 60 is lost. finds himself in clubs and with ‘bad’ people. he earns some easy money. he thinks he can live a carefree life forever. he starts to bring weird guests to his and connor’s apartment. smokes pot few times. connor is slowly back on being a person without problems (in his mind, since amanda&RK900 were the problems) so he doesn’t want to put up with his twin’s antics. he kinda kicks him out. 60 gets a little worse. more lost. gets a place with two sex workers (a drag and a prostitute). they take care of him in some ways. he understands that this is not how he should behave. he attempts to be better. he’s still lost. he realizes how his life has always been ‘connor is selfish but he’s good, so i will protect him’ and how little he knows of himself. he has…. been erasing himself more and more in connor’s favor. he has subconciously been the wall between his rage and amanda’s nothing. he’s still lost. he starts his rapport with connor again. he’s in awe at how good his twin has become. he has friends. he has good grades. 60′s happy that he has finally become the person he should have been. he’s so content he decides he wants to be a detective too. connor’s this close to punch him and probably does at some point since every one of them has a different perception of physical contact (connor’s one is angry, 60′s is sensual, RK900′s nonexistent). but 60′s okay with that. he’s always been someone that gets hurt and smiles. it’s just another of their rocky beginnings. 60 is almost found.RK900 in the meanwhile…. is both alone & lonely. he has a hard understanding of the world; he knows everything– in theory. but practical? none. his hands don’t do much if not writing and typing long essays. he studies a lot. that’s all he’s allowed to do and all he does. eventually he becomes detached. we’ll skip the evangelion part about his sexual needs and sexuality but to make it brief he’s not accustomed to himself. his body is too big, his shoulders too broad, his height too much. he loathes himself. he’s scared of himself. whenever someone compliments him about anything other than his grades he gets disgusted because in his brain is ingrained that that’s a lie. he hates his eyes more than anything. he wonders where he got them from. they’re his own personal curse. always reminding him his isolation. without brother, without twin, without mother. no one has blue in them. he never gets a girlfriend (not that he wouldn’t have a boyfriend, but even if he’s so huge he’s lowkey scared because he has not forgotten the bruises of connor’s fury on him and others) and keeps being a virgin (not even a first kiss) despite having many trying their luck with him, too sure he’s unlovable, too sure he’s somewhat bearing mankind first sin. he contemplated suicide. he’s insecure to the max. he finishes high-school. he could go to the best of colleges. he has a fine scholarship. amanda lets him know that the best option would be a very profitable profession. either politician or lawyer mhh no, no, prosecutor, judge? surgeon? he thinks about it. for a long time. 60, who kinda felt guilty about leaving like this and about not telling connor to stop with bullying him, texts him sometimes. he tells RK900 that connor wants to be a detective. he didn’t know. something happens. it’s a small thing. stupid, even. amanda probably makes a snide comment about connor. or wants to throw away what he left. he snaps. doesn’t say a thing but enrolls in the same cheap college as connor’s&60′s. he never felt anything until that moment. the feeling of being his own person, maker of his destiny; is both thrilling & frightful. amanda discovers when she asks him what he chose. he waits for a slap that never comes. it would have been cathartic. to finally be free, to rebel, and to be disowned and rejected. but amanda’s not stupid. while he closes his eyes she doesn’t hurt him. she only says ‘i’m disappointed’. that…. that doesn’t feel good as a slap would’ve. he’s terrified. but he can’t come back now. can’t rely on her anymore as she tells him he has two days to go away. he has done the wrong thing again. it’s not easy to accept that. he dies a little. he contemplates suicide again. he has his college tuition paid and his slice of his parents’ inheritance. he calls 60 crying. he can’t go to their apartment because connor would kill him. he’s alone. 60 tells him that there’s a cheap place where he can sleep. he goes there for a couple of days, 60 visits him, they have a chat, RK900 cries again and 60′s heart is so sad in seeing his red puffy eyes. he concludes that life’s not been so fair with them but they all made it more difficult by creating fake enemies in themselves. they search for an apartment together. RK900 settles his few things in there, it’s not the best and he has trouble being with other people but it’s okay for now. he starts to build his persona, he tries contacts, fake glasses, hobbies. he sees connor from time to time, but hides as soon as he comes near. he watches him from afar. for this reason he ends up attending a lot of crime-law related courses. he might as well take those exams since he still doesn’t know what to do. he gets good grades. he starts to like it. connor’s center of gravity is so heavy they all…. kinda copy him and become detectives. connor, at some point, gets 60 to spill the bean and acknowledges RK900 existence. he doesn’t care about him anymore. he’s a new person, he’s better, he’s free. RK900 never was his brother from day one. 60 is not okay with the whole situation but doesn’t think it’s a big thing, at least connor’s not livid and RK900 is fine.they all get to the DPD. it irks connor but he has an objective and he’s going to do whatever it takes, he’s going to be something. RK900 is pleased to be nothing. an ordinary detective, a police officer, whatever. he wants to take his time in living. peaceful. years pass & im very ignorant about police things in the usa so may have gotten the timeline wrong but i tried&searched believe me. they become detectives. connor always strives for a higher position. cole happens. cole dies. this happens. they continue their lives. RK900 gets promoted lieutenant instead of him. it’s hell.connor sees red. RK900 never wanted that. connor can’t think straight and in his mind it’s all his fault again, he wanted to ruin even this for him, never leaving him his piece of heaven for god knows why. RK900 tries to refuse, to explain to connor that he only wants to be some low rank and nothing else, he never meant to, to explain that connor’s the one who needs, who deserves this promotion. it’s no use. they get into a fight. well. connor gets into a fight. he punches RK900. RK900 falls to the ground. connor goes on top of him. 60 is distraught. attempts to stop connor the first time of his life because this, this is understandable but this is too much. it’s not his fault this time, it never was, and connor needs to grow the fuck up and forgive whatever has been eating him for decades. RK900 never reacted. but this time. this time he remembers, he knows. this time is not his fault. not the one to blame. sure, fate’s the one. but connor’s too, he too has the blame in his own destruction. these are the fruits. the catharsis that never came with amanda comes with him. RK900 punches connor back. time stops. everyone stop. he know what to do with his hands finally. then. times resumes. and they punch each other until they’re no longer able to stand. 60 cries. they’re kids still. and they’re all grounded. the punishment is: being themselves.RK900 has the habit of eating and spending his lunch break in the old archive. nobody uses it. there’s mostly file cases from long long time ago, still on paper. it’s quiet. and nobody looks at him. one day he’s taken aback because there’s someone else. he’s a bit annoyed he will have to find another place. he gets kindly informed that they’re the new part-timer that’s going to transfer these paper files into computer’s one. an android would have been too pricey. humans are the only thing one’s can afford sometimes. he asks if it’s okay for him to eat his lunch there that day. he’s welcome whenever he wants. he’s shy at first but does so. especially because there’s not another place calm enough. at some point they start to chat, he brings in work to share insights and so on. it’s his first friend. 60 discovers it. he pushes his brother to ditch the ‘i have a friend’ story, of course he’s in love. he isn’t. he doesn’t know what love means and he doesn’t want to know. 60 gives himself the role of cupid. of course he flirts with them. of course he does it only when RK900 is watching. it begins to be annoying. 60 doesn’t stop. RK900 is afraid that his only friend will become his brother’s partner or worse, his brother’s friend. and he knows that they won’t spend time with him again. and he’s sort of mad because he had one thing and everything was going fine. he was handling it alone. and nobody told him what to do for the first time. he doesn’t eat in the archive anymore. he spends his lunch break at the nearby park. nothing feels real. he contemplates suicide. his hands, his eyes, him. everything is wrong with him. he’s unable to ‘look’, just ‘watch’. in his vision things seem just faraway objects. he’s unable to ‘touch’, just ‘feel’. the sensations he gets aren’t his. they go to 60 and asks him if they ever did something bad because RK900 is avoiding them. 60 doesn’t know what to say, really. maybe he was the one to be wrong. 60 stops being 60. says to RK900 that he won’t bother him on this topic and please, please, forget about it and continue having whatever he was having. RK900 ponders about it for a while. his fragile friendship is destroyed. he can’t trust. but the next time he sees them he realizes that yes, he doesn’t think of friendship but something more. is this what 60 was talking about? love? he was jealous the whole time? yes, that, of course. but he was jealous in a romantic way? that shocks him. he’s an awkward mess of a man but they end up together and he’s happy for the first time. he doesn’t really love sex and he’s not used to it but it’s okay, it’s not an important thing in his relationship. probably will write something about him and his s/o and 60 asap. now i’m going to write nsfw and eat chips since this thing’s already 3000 words and tumblr’s crashing.