Songs sung in T voices? You mean just regular male voices because trans men are men

imagine being so miserable that you see a post about trans joy and pride in transmasculinity and the first thing you think is “i’m going to find a way to see this as transphobia instead”.

i have a t voice. my voice is distinctly different from most cis men’s voices in a way that a lot of other trans people’s voices are distinctly different after being on t. a lot of us have voices with a unique quality to them. the claim that me, a trans man with a t voice, talking about voices like mine somehow implies that my own gender isn’t real…is just fucking wild, honestly.

i think t voices are BEAUTIFUL. i love them so much, having my own voice sound like that was genuinely one of the things i was the most excited about when i started t because to me, that voice is the kind i heard when i watched videos made by other trans guys that taught me about what was possible for me and met other trans guys irl for the first time and got advice on transitioning or just life from them. it’s such a comforting sound and so important to me.

nothing about recognizing that distinctive quality implies that trans men aren’t real men. i have a t voice just like i have a deep voice, a quiet voice, a tonally expressive voice — it’s just a descriptor for one of many things that can make a voice unique. my voice is a “male voice” and it’s also a t voice because i’m a man whose voice has been affected by going on t in a distinctive way. the two aren’t in any way at odds with each other.

if i described my chest as a post-op chest, would you come into my inbox saying “you mean just a regular male chest?” i have a feeling you probably wouldn’t because on some level, even you get that talking about unique parts of living in a trans body doesn’t invalidate who we are. it’s fine if you personally wouldn’t want to describe your voice that way because it makes you dysphoric or isn’t applicable to your voice or isn’t as meaningful to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s morally incorrect for me to do so.

trans bodies are wonderful. visible (or in this case, audible) transness is wonderful. it’s not a bad thing to have features that are distinctively trans, and having those features doesn’t make you less of a man. we don’t have to reject our transness or be exactly like cis men to be real men because cis manhood isn’t the gold standard, it’s just one of many ways to be a man.

(also, not everyone who goes on t is a trans man, so not every t voice is a male voice. it’s funny how the people who get mad at me for being proud of my t voice are always the same ones who have really gender essentialist and binaristic views on transitioning.)

so no, i don’t mean “regular male voices”, i mean fucking t voices because that was a post about unashamed in-your-face proud transmasculinity, not transmasculinity that tries to make itself indistinguishable from cis manhood. please keep your assimilationist bullshit away from my trans joy, thank you very much.

— twenty questions tag!

tagged by: @du0tine

what do you prefer to be called name wise?

honestly i don’t really care haha maddison is fine, or maddy, or mads. but i think its cute and fresh and fun when people just give me new nicknames, i love it

when’s your birthday?

june 30th~ (’91, yeah i am maybe like...ancient in this fandom lol)

where do you live?

Ooooooooooh Canadaaaaaaaaaaaa (specifically Alberta)

three things you are doing right now?

sitting in my living room at 7:15am typing this

planning out the best course of action to clean my house before noon

watching a video essay on musicals lol

four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

got7

nct

depth psychology/jungian studies feels like a fandom sometimes lol

idk like weird reiki loving spiritual stuff? astrology? does that count? 

how has the pandemic been treating you?

honestly, i don’t want this to sound flippant, but it’s been great haha i live in such an isolated place and generally it is so so busy with tourists but i had a few months where i could go for a walk/hike and not see a single soul which was so relaxing. got some time to sort some stuff out. im in a very privileged position with it for sure

a song you can’t stop listening to right now?

literally these four songs on repeat together even though its a mess of genres and vibes

if you only knew  - sevana 

wait when am i gonna lose you - local natives

ohms - deftones lmao

bazooka - gwsn

recommand a movie?

dancer in the dark

the lure/corki dancingu (im sorry i don’t have a polish keyboard to spell that properly lol)

satan lives (it’s a documentary but i’ve watched it literally like 50 times, it is in my top 25 most played on itunes)

BONUS: pride and prejudice (2005) for the romantics ;) 

school, university, occupation, other?

working at a resort hotel in the mountains. 

would like to go back to school but for now im just self learning whatever is of interest

do you prefer heat or cold?

Cooooold im so happy it’s getting colder ;-; (this also goes for drinks, i don’t really vibe with hot drinks)

name one fact others may not know about you?

i never know what to say for these things lol i believe in a lot of things that other people might consider “silly” or non-logical 

are you shy?

i used to be for sure but now? nah, not at all haha maybe more reserved around new people/situations, but not shy

biggest pet peeve?

i don’t know if i can name any at the moment, i’ve like calmed down a lot with being annoyed about little things. i do get annoyed at work though when i come in at 5am and the pm shift has left my desk in absolute disarray. v annoying

what is your favorite “dere” type?

i don’t even know what they are nor do i care lol i know the names, but not what they mean 

rate your life 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be:

7, cause it’s good but i could put more effort into making it better

what’s your main blog?

this be the one

list your side blogs and what they’re used for:

i have a fic recs blog neonun-recs. i also have an old abandoned blog here 

and a witchy/spiritual blog that im going to not list lol

is there anything people need to know about you before becoming friends?

i’m an absolute hermit and need a lot of time in solitude.

tagging: @lovely-tea-petals @velvet-alice @not-majestic-bluenicorn @ezralia-writes (or your main blog idk i can’t keep them straight lol) 

Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story*  I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely  by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed  repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

Speed Awareness Lessons Learnt

Ok so who hasn’t been caught speeding?

Aargh such a ball-ache, but hey ho, after being caught in the same place 3 times in a month I couldn’t afford to take the points, so had no choice but to go to the Speed Awareness Course.

The worst thing is that each time I got caught I saw the unmistakable white van with the lift up back window, checked my speed and thought, ‘I’m under, I’m ok’.

Then that green letter arrives in the post and you know that you made an error in judgement.

I resigned myself to sitting through a boring presentation and getting rapped over the knuckles, but then I thought, ‘I’m not the kind of guy who wastes time on this kind of thing’. So, instead of thinking I was wasting time, what could I learn from the experience? It’s an attitude that has stood me in good stead when I have no choice in attending something.

A similar thing happened 30 years ago when I had no choice but to join the Conscription in the South African Defence Force, only then it had not been 4 hours but 2 years, plus the equivalent of 3 months, every 2 years until I was 40!

All my friends had told me it was a complete waste of 2 years of your life, so I would do the same as everybody else. . . waste 2 years and do as little as possible.

It took about 7 days for me to realise that was idiotic advice: –

how could doing nothing improve you?

how could being commanded to run from place to place be a worthwhile life experience?

how could simply obeying orders mindlessly be character building?

how could I change my stars?

what could I do to give myself a brighter future?

The tipping point was when we were roughly assembled on the parade ground in the best kind of line that misfits could muster, the regimental Sergeant Major had just walked past and we had been called to attention. This was Career Soldier; a man at the peak of his career who commanded an amount of respect. But then a 1 star, newly commissioned Lieutenant who had just completed his 10 months training walked past and the regimental Sergeant Major jumped to attention and saluted.

I was astounded!!

That day I made a decision that in 12 months that lieutenant would be me and I would do whatever it took to make that happen.

I guess what you don’t know is that this was about as likely as the moon falling out of its orbit!

The reason was quite simple, I was a wimp; bullied all the way through school with few friends and always at the bottom of the class. The one thing I had on my side was that no one here knew anything about my past. It was the first big lesson, I discovered here, being at the top of the class meant nothing; being the captain of the football team did, apparently that gave you some leadership qualities. Being a sportsman was considered to be the ultimate achievement, nothing to do with the army, more to do with regimental rivalry.

Being a loner, I was no team player, but I knew that I had more leadership skills than all of those in my platoon.

Just how was I going to prove that? I was not the fittest, the fastest, the biggest or the smallest, just somewhere in the middle.

So, I just knuckled down and took every single advantage that I could. Being dyslexic was going to be a problem, but here they didn’t care if you were ‘stupid’, the more ‘stupid’ the better really, ‘Food for powder’ to quote Falstaff.

I just had to be better; smarter and brighter than everyone else, and plan.

I often look back and thank my lucky stars for conscription

Basic training has just one purpose: to break and kick the shit out of you, then drive you to extremes of exhaustion greater than any you could foresee and then drive you further until you consider yourself to be less than nothing. Once you get there, they pile you with problems, and all the time they’re looking for the potential non-commissioned officers; the sergeants and corporals, the bullies and the team captains, and for those that are driven to excel, those that do the thinking, the planning and the ones who come up with the solutions when all the bullies have failed and everyone else has given up, these are the officer material.

I took every advantage I could.

I slept under my bed instead of on top of it.

On my first home break I sewed fine seams into my trousers and my pillowslips.

I cut plastic strips and sprayed my blanket with liquid floor polish so that the pile once brushed never needed brushing again.

All of this was done for one reason: to give me more time studying and less time ironing.

There was a strict lights out policy at 10pm, inspection at 5am, so I would swat under my bed with a torch.

Because writing was a challenge, I used to ask questions all the time, non-stop. The more questions I asked, the better the understanding I had. Asking questions has always been my thing; it avoids misunderstanding, but having a clear understanding meant that at least I would not have to run to the furthest bush with my rifle above my head.

The only issue was being rollicked for being too stupid to understand in the first place.

The great thing about military exams is that instead of having to write essays on explanations or views, all exams were multiple choice. I guess that’s because, on the whole, the corporals who were doing the teaching were too dumb to understand a good argument, and all operational exams were based on results: a competition, the tactical advantage, quick thinking with fast and accurate decisions, making a plan and seeing it through were key.

I often look back at my 2 years in the army and thank my lucky stars for conscription; that I was fortunate enough to have had that opportunity and milk it for all that it was worth.

Like so many of the people who went in, it could have been the biggest waste of time; instead it was the greatest opportunity to set myself up that I have ever been given, the training to see opportunities in adverse circumstances and turn them to your advantage.

There is no doubt that I look at this differently from others, partly due to training, but mostly because of my personality, and when a situation is forced upon me I look for the lesson to be learned.

The Speed Awareness Course was not a waste of time at all; it was well presented and informative, it gave me a new set of skills that I can employ so that I can be better aware.

Obviously, I don’t agree with all of their comments, especially about not listening to audiobooks or training programs whilst driving.

Idiots, my van is my university and without intelligent stimulation via training or audiobooks I would be fast asleep behind the wheel on a motorway in under 30 minutes.

I guess everyone is different; while many would find business growth cd’s and programs on marketing boring, my wife ‘The Dragon’ definitely included in that, I do not, and a 14 hour drive to Orkney to deliver and install an oven would be quite unbearable if I didn’t think I could learn something on the way.

The biggest take-away from the course however was to drive in

3rd in a 30

4th in a 40

5th in a 50

. . . and if there are street lights of any kind it’s 30 mph, unless the signs say otherwise.

Happy motoring and I hope you can try to see the best of every situation and use every situation that is forced on you as an opportunity to learn and grow.

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