#idk i keep pushing myself to draw but MAN its hard as fuck sometimes
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#yanbe talks#doing it on tags bc i feel more comfortable but idk if i ever mentioned#i have chronic tendonitis n this is why i barely post art nowadays#idk i keep pushing myself to draw but MAN its hard as fuck sometimes#its kinda hard to not compare myself to others because. well. its the human nature after all but i rly shouldnt#bc i really cant draw constantly or even finish a piece for that matter#anyway ;')#idk i keep talking abt this on twitter but icr if i ever mentioned it here but yes its hard for me to draw. i still like it#but lately its been getting harder like i AM trying to raw dog my way through this but#arm hurty#[does a silly little dance] health insurance will cover this Hopefully so i'll get it checked like. in a month or two#even tho ive had it for years#better late than ever as they say [dies]#also pls don't send any “get well soon” wishes i feel awkward when someone says that tho ik its in good faith >__<
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crenny brainrot
idk i normally dont post my thoughts here on tumblr but since im becoming active again i want to ramble on about my favorite crenny headcanons.
mostly because i have the agenda of embedding it to the crenny nation collective consciousness. i am a woman in a mission.
Disclaimer: these are literally headcanons with either 0 or the bare minimum canonical basis. its all for good fun pls don’t attack me for rambling about south park characters on main.
1. Kenny is an English gay, Craig is a Science gay || alt title: my craig is bad at english agenda.
I don’t need to explain myself but I’m GOING to explain myself. In the series Kenny is normally the point person whenever the boys don’t know the meaning of a certain term. That’s on rich vocabulary baybee! Ok but ALSO Kenny’s is legit good at English (e.g. When he wrote the boys a letter from Hawaii, His entire Princess Kenny cold open, his Mysterion dialogues)
And now Craig, sweet precious illiterate Craig.
need i say more?
Craig as a science gay just makes a lot of sense to me, bc duh...space...and stuff. Leave it to Craig to calculate the rate of xyz when abc, but if you ask him to write 1 (one) single essay he will slap you.
I love contrasting my Crenny bc that’s their primary appeal for me! I’m on that stem student x liberal arts student agenda.
2. Kenny loves his town! (Craig is on the Fence)
It’s a really common crenny trope for them to hate the fuck out of South Park, which leads to countless runaway fics (which I ADORE, keep making them.) But you know when I thought about it, Kenny’s definitely the type to love South Park (and its inhabitants) from the Bottom of his heart.
Dude he literally took on the role of Mysterion to protect the town from the shadows (he’s been doing it for Months???), He sacrificed himself in the South park movie just to bring back things to normal. This man. Loves. His. town.
I think Kenny’s the type to be all “Come with me, I’ll show you my secret spot.” Then have like 17 secret spots around the town. He definitely knows stuff like the quickest route to school or the best spot for stargazing. All that.
Now Craig. I could see why he’d hate the town TBH. And that offers a nice counterbalance to Kenny (a comic is forming in my mind as we speak.)
I want Kenny to teach Craig how to love the town (kenny voice “you’re just not experiencing the town the right way!”) and I want Craig to call out Kenny (craig voice “maybe you’re just romanticizing the idea of the town because you’re scared of letting go of the last bits of your childhood”) AHAHAHAHA. Idk Man, it would be a nice dynamic to study.
lmao i just realized that most of my headcanons are just contrasting crenny. IDC!
3. manlet kenny and taaaaall craig
yall KNOW ive been on that short Crenny agenda since day 1!
(behold my first rendered crenny art ever)
DAY ONE! 初日！Unang araw palang!
BUT! but! BUT! this goes deeper. because of course im going to ramble on about this.
*clears throat*
Craig tries to occupy as little space as possible, Kenny tries to occupy the biggest space possible.
BAM! Visual and Thematic Interest!
I can imagine it now, Craig keeping his limbs as close to himself. Kenny stretching out his arms trying to “take more sunlight and air!”
I like the idea of Kenny being small but no one really thinks he’s small because he carries himself like a large person. Sometimes he’d just stand up and Craig would see the top of his head and go “oh wow i forgot that you were a foot shorter than me for a split second.”
Fun stuff.
4. Mole placements because I’m a graphic design student and this is the type of shit that appeals to me.
As yall know I draw Craig with a mole under his eye and Kenny with a mole under his lip. Want to know why? Visual interest BAYBEE. Have i told you that I’m a graphic design STUDENT.
I like it because it leads your eyes from Craig’s face to Kenny’s face or vice versa. It adds a sense of movement to any of my crenny pieces.
Also I noticed how most crenny fics focus on how striking Craig’s eyes are and I think it’s just fitting to add a lil mole to accent it.
As for kenny, I’m on that...........kenny kissable lips agenda.......I hc his mole to be less noticeable but MAN once you notice, it’s all you see. I can just imagine Craig going fucking crazy once he realize that there’s a mole under Kenny’s lips.
5. Craig and Kenny are innately perceptive || alt title: Crenny Bluetooth Couple
This is kinna one of my tenet headcanons. Like my entire crenny characterization hinges on this one headcanon.
Okay get ready its DISSERTATION time.
5A: The angst of it all
Craig and Kenny are both very perceptive. They notice. The different lies in the way they act on what they had notice.
Kenny’s an empath so he tries the best to subtly help the people around him when noone else can. Stan having a bad day? Kenny would stay with him. Kyle’s pissed off more than usual? Kenny would crack jokes he knows Kyle would laugh at. etc.etc.
Craig is very pragmatic. If it doesn’t affect him, he won’t bother. But with Kenny he just can’t help but be so concerned.
He notices it when somethings off with Kenny. He’d notice when Kenny’s disoriented (after dying and not knowing how reality warped or sum). He’d notice when Kenny’s tired (after working overtime at city wok). He’d notice how Kenny would look at his friends lunches.
What pisses Craig the most is how Kenny just, smiles through it all. Craig’s so frustrated with how Kenny’s own friends are too caught up with their shit that they can’t notice telltale signs.
And so he finds himself gravitating towards Kenny. Inviting Kenny to join his Wide-angle lens show after he got rejected for looking too poor. Offering to be his partner during school trips.
5B: craigs cold hard exterior = kennys happy go lucky attitude
Craig and Kenny don’t express their true emotions.
But the difference is: Craig doesn’t show his because he doesn’t feel the need to. Kenny doesn’t show his because he has to.
BAM! Interest!
Kenny has to be strong. To not worry his siblings or friends. So he just pushes through and hides it all with his hedonistic facade.
Craig’s just.....idk he just doesn’t want 2 show his emotions for funsies idk what’s up with him.
I like how on the surface they seem like polar opposites but fundamentally they are the same. (bc theyre soulmates)
5C: Reading craig
Kenny’s one of the few people who mastered the language of Craiganese. Alongside Ruby, Clyde, and Token.
Kenny’s skill was innate tho and it pisses off Clyde so much.
Clyde learned how to read Craig after years of being his closest friend. It took a lot of trial and error, but he’s proud that he can understand Craig’s mood and all that.
But then comes Kenny who can read Craig immediately! What the heck! Unfair!
5D: Bluetooth couple
which leads me to the point.
It’s funny.
It’s just funny I can imagine Crenny having entire conversations just by looking at each other.
okay thats all.
#long post#magentasays#crenny#craig tucker#kenny mccormick#steal my headcanons and build upon them i beg you
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BRAT| RICHIE TOZIER X READER
@softbumble asked: I was wanting a smut with Richie x quiet reader where the reader is acting like a brat and Richie decides to teach them some manners.
17-18 years old or whatever age you want idc lmao
I’m sorry if this is bad or not what you wanted, I’m also gonna be kinda slow on requests, I’m trying the best as i can. Also sorry if its short or kinda rushed I’ve been kinda busy!
It’s kinda bad and very repetitive. Thats on me tho cuz its rushed. Again sorry if this is not what you had in mind. I was also writing this with the IQ of 2 because my brain was not working after taking a 1 hour and a half science test and then a math test right after so please excuse the absolute chaos this writing is.
warnings: smut, language, slight choking, degrading, teasing, fingering, overstimulation, idk man’, unedited as hell
I sat in Bill’s living room, next to Richie, sitting on the couch. An hour before me and Richie were at home, fingers tangled in each others hair, He trailed kisses down my neck, leaving hickeys and love bites on my neck as he played with the waistband of my underwear, teasing me and rubbing my clit through it. Then we got a call from Bill asking to hangout and Richie being Richie said we’ll go and left me unsatisfied. So now i was stuck on the couch, bored and horny. “why do you look so upset y/n, did something happen?” Ben asks. “No I’m just tired, thats all.” i said sweetly, but shooting Richie a glare. He smirked, before looking back at the tv which was playing some movie that i had no interest in. Bill and Stan were setting things up, getting snacks from the kitchen, board games from the closet, getting things together. I wasn’t exactly sure what we were doing but we were waiting for them to finish up.
Stan came into the living room, placing a bowl of chips onto the table. “Heyy stanny boyyyyyyyyyyy” I giggled, i have no idea why but i made myself laugh. “hey Y/n” He smiled. “you’re my twin” i say. “how so?” he asks, seeming genuinely interested in what i had to say. “We’re both quiet, sassy, funny” i stop to send Stan a wink at the word ‘funny’ “and cool people” I smile brightly. “i agree” he shakes his head, smiling. I look over to see a annoyed Richie. Hes very easy to make jealous, thats whats fun about him. Stan walked out of the room to continue helping Bill. “flirting with another guy” Richie muttered to himself, in a growl. I put my hand on Richies thigh. He looked over at me. “what’re you doing?” he growls again. “nothing” i shrug. I lay my head on his shoulder.
time skip
i layed with Richie comfortablely, My hand still on his thigh. The boys finished setting everything up, putting on ‘The Goonies’. I moved my hand higher up Richies thigh, closer to his manhood. I looked up at him, Richies jaw clenched. “Richieeee” i whined into his ear. “what?” he replies. “i need youuuu.” i whine again, kissing his neck. “wait until we get home” he mutters. “but i need you now” i brush my hand against his clothed dick, feeling it harden a bit. “baby pleaseee” “I said wait until we get home” Richie growls into my ear. I huff but listen to him, keeping my hand on his thigh. He moves my hand off his thigh and onto the couch. I huff again, annoyed, hes being no fun. I wait a few minutes before putting my hand back on his thigh. “princess, stop it” he whispers into my ear. I ignore him, moving my hand closer to his manhood. “if you dont stop I’ll have to punish you” he growls. I stop moving my hand, leaving it directly on his hard-on. Richie keeps his eyes on the tv, jaw clenched and anger in his eyes. Just what i wanted. I began to palm Richie through his joggers, causing his breath to hitch. He grabbed my wrist, moving it away from my pants. “I just remembered i told my parents that I’d have Y/n over for dinner, they love her so they insist in inviting her to dinners. they’ll kill me if I’m late so we gotta go” Richie says to the losers, they nod understanding. He pulls me through the living room and out the door, shutting it behind him. “what the fuck was that?!?” Richie growls. He gets on his bike, i get on the back, wrapping my arms around him. “answer me” “its your fault, you said we could go to Bill’s, maybe if you werent such a tease then i wouldnt of done what i did” I snap back. “Acting like a brat now, are we?” he says, pedalling faster
When we arrived to the house Richie threw his bike to the ground on his front lawn, he dragged me inside, the door unlocked. Richie pushed me against the wall, attacking my neck. “Made me lie to the losers because you were so needy” He mumbled against my neck. “Needy slut can’t even wait until we get home” Richie says before beginning to suck and lick at my soft spot. I moan from the unexpected contact. “you like that? hmm?” i nod my head. Richie trails down my neck, kissing my cleavage, his hands roam under my shirt. “Rich, not here” i gasp. “Its my house, we can fuck wheverever the hell i want” He grumbled. Richie picks me up, walking up the stairs, continuing to attack my neck with hickies. He pushes open his bedroom door, kicking it closed when we enter the room, throwing me on the bed. Richie quickly takes off his shirt, throwing it somewhere, revealing his pale skin and skinny frame. He walks over to the bed, getting on top of me, arms on both sides of my body. Richie takes off my shirt, throwing it behind him. He kisses around my bra and down my stomach, kissing the skin right before my shorts/skirt, leaving hickies along the way, getting closer to where i needed him the most. “Rich, please” I whine. “please what? Use your words” “i need you, please” i whine again. “bad girls dont get what they want, beg for it.” He growls into my ear, the raspiness of his voice and the lust in his eyes made me want him more, a wetness pooling in my underwear. Richie unclasped my bra, attacking my breasts, licking and sucking at one nipple as he fondled with the other breast. “please Richie, i need you inside me so bad, your fingers, your tongue, anything, i just need you. so, so, so bad Rich” I beg. “such a needy slut, you’ll use anything to get off, won’t you? so desperate for my cock, huh” Richie kisses down my stomach, removing my shorts/skirt. “you’re so wet for me. you’re my little whore, just begging for my cock.I barely touched you and you’re all riled up?” Richie smirks.
He puts his thumb on my clit, rubbing me through my underwear, i moan, satisfaction running through me. Richie rubbed my clit slowly, applying pressure. “please Rich, please i need you inside of me.” I whine. “Such a impatient needy slut, can’t wait to feel my fingers inside of you, falling apart just from a little touch” He pulls down my underwear slightly, blowing air onto my clit. “such a little whore, all soaked” Richie pushes one finger into me, thrusting slowly, i moan loudly, before biting my lip. “faster Rich please” i let out quickly. He speeds up his pace, lifting himself to my lips. Richie connects his lips with mine, kissing me softly, sometimes he can’t help himself and he’ll kiss me softly or passionately, he’ll never admit it but he has a soft spot. Richie curls his finger, hitting a different angle, causing me to moan into the kiss. “you like that? hmm?“ I nod my head moaning, my hips buck, the familiar pit in my stomach growing, i clenched around his finger. Richie enters another finger, thrusting quickly. My hips buck again, i moan loudly, letting my hands go to his hair, tugging. “fuck, rich im gonna cum” i whine, clenching around his fingers. I feel my release pulsing through me. Richie pulls his fingers out, i whine, annoyed. “riiich” “Bad girls dont get to cum” He says before licking his fingers. “you always taste so good princess” Richie connects my lips with his once again, shoving his tongue in my mouth, sucking on my bottom lip. He pulls away, lowering himself. Richie licks a stripe up my pussy unexpectedly. “Rich!” i squeal. He swirls his tongue around my clit and down to my slit. Richie licks my clit slowly, holding my thighs. I bite my lip, holding back the sounds. He begins speeding up the pace, drawing little circles on my thighs with his fingers.
Richie starts licking slower before sucking on my clit, i cover my mouth, whining. Richie sits up, grabbing my hand. “let me hear you, dont cover your mouth. i want everyone to hear what a slut you are, let them know that you’re mine” He says before lowering himself, beginning to suck on my clit again. “Rich! Fuck!” i gasp, causing him to suck on my clit faster, i could feel the pit in my stomach growing already. My hips bucked into his mouth, i tugged on his hair. “Richieee baby im close” i groaned. He sucked faster, licking at my clit, swirling and moving his tongue. My hips bucked again as i let out an aspirated moan. “I’m gonna cum, fuck” i moaned, Richie pulled away quickly. “Riiiich.” I whine. “I told you, bad girls dont get to cum” he leans over me, arms on both sides of me again. “Maybe next time you’ll learn your lesson, flirting with Stan and acting like a brat? You had it coming” Richie whispers into my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “Needy slut” He mumbles. He connects our lips once again, my hands travel to his hair, playing with it. Richie grinds against my heat, groaning into the kiss,his hard on rubbing me through his joggers. “Rich i need you, please. I know I’m a bad girl, please i learned my lesson, I’ll behave i promise”
“Yeah? You want this cock? Huh?” “Yes. Please richie.” “Good girl, begging for me so well. You’re gonna behave?” “Yes i will. i promise rich. I’ll be patient and i wont flirt with anyone, I’m yours and only yours” Richie groans. He gets off the bed, taking offf his joggers, his dick clearly showing through his boxers, is it up, helping him remove them. “Eager brat” Richie chuckles, he crawls onto the bed, pushing me onto my back. He looks up at me, his tip nearing my entrance. I nod, letting him know to go ahead. Richie slowly enters me, groaning, his precum leaking into my entrance. “So wet and warm for me” he groans. “Rich” i plead. Richie starts to thrust into me slowly, i moan, finally getting the pleasure i wanted. “Can Stanley fuck you this good? Huh?” Richie picks up the pace. I shake my head, whining. “Does his dick fill you up like this?” “N-no only you do.” I gasp. “Who’s are you?” He thrusts faster, groaning. “I’m yours Rich, only yours.” Richie groans again, he leans over, sucking on my neck, leaving dark purple bruises. My back arches and i moan loudly. He hovers over me again. “You’re mine” his words made the pit in my stomach grow, Richie puts his hand around my neck, making me moan. “You like that? You like when i choke you like the little toy you are.” He growls. I whimper, nodding my head. “You like using my hand as a necklace, hm? You like when i use you as my little sex toy?” Richie groans, i moan, his words sending me over the edge, my hips start bucking as i clench around him. “Are you gonna cum, princess?” I nod my head “yes richie. I’m gonna cum, please let me cum” I whimper again. “Go ahead doll, cum for me, cum all over my cock. I wanna see you” He whispers into my ear, completely sending me over the edge, making me cum harshly, my vision blurred from all the pleasure hitting me. “AH! RICH!” Richie chuckles, kissing my cheek. His fast pace continues, the grip on my neck loosening a bit. “Rich.” I whimper. “You wanted my dick, you’re getting it. You’re gonna take it until i cum, is that alright?” I nod, moaning from overstimulation. “You like that baby? You like how I’m using you as my little cocksleeve?” He groans into my ear. I nod, whining. Richies thrusts start to falter, getting sloppier. I can feel my high coming back, the pit in my stomach starting again. My hips buck again, clenching around Rich. He groans, making me clench around his dick more. “B-Baby you close again?” He says, shutting his eyes. “Mhm” “cum again for me. I’m here, its okay.” He thrusts rougher into me, his head falling back in pleasure. I whine, his pleasure sending me over the edge, cumming. Richie groans, his dick twitching inside of me. “I’m close. Shit. You fuck so good princess, taking my dick so well.” “You’re so good rich, filling my up with your big dick.” I whine, he groans, cumming in me, stopping his thrusts.
Richie pants, i run my fingers through his hair. “You did so well doll” He flashes me his signature goofy grin. Richie looked down. “That was hot.” He chuckles, i smile admiring his features. “I love you Rich.” I whisper, barely audible. Richies head snaps up, his cheeks red. “Y-you what? Did i hear that r-right. Y-you love me?” His face softens, he smiles slightly. “I love you too Doll.” Richie plants a small sweet kiss on my lips, he pulls out. “You need a bath princess?” He asks. “That’d be nice.” I say softly. “C’mon I’ll go set up the bath”
#richie tozier#richie tozier smut#beep beep richie#smut#richie tozier x reader#that one moment when you have no tags fluff richie Tozier fluff
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something i never really talk about but felt like ranting about right now.
hi, i’m may, i stan fictional villains, and i have a shitty autoimmune disease.
i don’t make a big deal of it because i don’t think it’s defining who i am but i won’t pretend it’s not a huge part of my life.
just a little backstory. my disease started to kick in in my teens. it started very slowly and snuck up on me. the first time i noticed something was off, was when my right knee started hurting. back then i didn’t think of it as much though, just maybe i was getting hurt at the concert i was at a a few days prior (it was good charlotte, my friend is a huge fan and dragged me to their live it wasn’t bad but lol). it started to bother me when the pain in the knee didn’t go away after i kept applying some cooling gels and whatnot and my knee kept swelling up. my cousin, who’s a doctor got me some cortisone cream too and it helped a bit but you can’t use this for long. so as soon as i quit using it the pain was back just as bad, if not worse.
i started seeing doctors and they were just confused. i got my knee punctured and liquids drained by doctor 5 times. (long-ass needle goes under your kneecap and liquid gets pulled out) this procedure hurts like shit but it always gave me a little relief for a few days. but after that it still got progressively worse. it started to also affect my left knee and my right wrist and eventually my lower back. and at this point i was taking a lot of pain meds to at least be able to have pain-free days. in the mornings i couldn’t get out of bed, i couldn’t walk. i had to always take pain meds in bed, wait until they kick in, then force myself to get out of bed and try to walk. always stiff, always having to keep my legs moving if i don’t want them to turn stiff like rocks again... my knees were too weak to keep me on my legs for long so whenever i was in situations i had to stand a lot, i would threaten them cos i would have to find something to lean on and that wasn’t always an option. shitty fucking situation.
i kept seeing doctors who were not sure what it was. idk how many times i left a doctor office and then had a mental breakdown, crying cos no one could tell me what’s wrong and i just wanted it to be taken care of. like lit felt like i was left so alone with my pain and no one did anything to help me with it. i even felt like i wasn’t taken serious enough. one doctor even made some comments that it might all just be in my brain. because i am also diagnosed with GAD and clinical depression he was like “this could be part of that.” such bullshit. sometimes doctors don’t take you serious for having mental illnesses is what i learned from that.
anyway, things were looking up a little after that.
about 7 years into living with pain i was finally getting a diagnosis. all this time it had been psoriasis arthritis, an autoimmune illness that attacks my joints. the reason why it took doctors this long is because this condition rarely ever comes without the skin condition psoriasis. i didn’t show it on my skin, and even my blood tests seemed to not show the results doctors needed to diagnose it. the only reason doctors did find out, was because i had googled my symptoms a lot and i brought up the idea to my doctor that this would be it. plus my grandpa and my aunt have the same disease and it’s something genetic. honestly without me telling the docs i think i have psa i think i wouldn’t have a diagnosis even now.
idk what changed on the day i got my diagnosis and why it suddenly showed in my blood tests also. but i was relieved to say the least, knowing what was rly going on with my body. but the thing is, i lived 7 years undiagnosed with it and now have to live with the consequences of that time: these being, i was always walking cautiously because of the pain in my knees, it ended up in me now having a crooked walk, i can’t stretch out my legs completely anymore, neither bend them completely. it’s now just something i have to live with, that i won’t prolly never walk normally again. i’ve ruined my posture thru that, and now have chronic back pains caused by it and i get lots of migraines that result from the back (idk how it works i aint a doctor)
now i am on strong medication called mtx, it’s kind of a med that many ppl are critical of, because of its strong side effects and it not being rly good to the body. i have my blood checked all 6 weeks cos i gotta make sure they don’t slowly kill me lol. but for me this med is rly saving my life like holy shit. i do physical rehab in a program whenever i can, i stayed there for weeks before and it was kind of nice. the issue with my medication, however, is that i have to pause them whenever i even have as much as a small cold. since they suppress my immune system or whatever, i can’t take them when i am sick or i won’t ever have a immune system to get me back to becoming healthy again or some sciency shit idk lol.
either way that brings me to now. i had a fever not long ago and had to pause my meds again. mtx stays in the body for like 2 weeks or so, if you pause any longer than that, your body is set back to the state it was before you started therapy on this medication and mtx takes up to ten weeks to even take effect. meaning, when i pause it, i am set back to before i started the medication and have to wait at least 6 weeks for them to kick back in and make the pain slowly go away again. now, currently i am in one of those in between times before the meds work again. i am in quite a lot of pain, i can barely get out of bed. not only do both my knees rly hurt but so does my back. and i am like /: well that sucks.
it’s hard to focus when you’re in pain. as i am right now. i try really hard to focus on anything other than that but no matter what i do, my mind’s always going back to the pains in my back and knees, my wrists feel surprisingly fine and thank fuck cos i need them to write lol. point being, my focus is gone. i wanna write, i wanna create, i wanna draw but it’s rly hard man. i feel whiny and like overly dramatic... nothing should keep me from writing, realistically. look, i mean, i just typed out this wholeass essay. i honestly think i am blocking myself. i’m like ‘woe is me.. i have some pain’ and somehow almost use this as an excuse, i guess, to be a lazy pos.
someone gotta tell me “stop being a bitch and get to work” so if you read this and if you would lol. just don’t pls, for the lov of king shiggy , don’t feel bad for me or say anything to pity me. that’s not what i want /at all/. i’m a badass for living with this pain, lemme feel like one at least lol. if you can sympathize that’s nice but i didn’t write this to make anyone feel bad for me i promise. i don’t feel bad for myself either, i honestly think i am lucky in many ways that i get to live in a country with free health care, get to work from home, get to be a lazy pos when i am in this type of situation without having to worry about anything rly.
i’m also writing this rant to kind of push myself. get out of this stupid slump DO SOMETHING.
anyway, that’s all.
also: if anyone got stories to share about their own experiences and they want me to hear it, please do. ithink we all have things we struggle with.
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ricky help you seem so active while having a mental health issues that seem way worse than mine and i'm at a point where I desperately want to start being creative and doing stuff but just can't cross the point where i start. How do you manage it? Feel free to ignore this if you're not feeling up to answering but i'm just. lost as to what i should do
it definitely depends on what kind of creative stuff you’re doing!!! i mean, my acting versus my writing go through way different processes and they collide with my mental shit in different ways (sometimes i can write during a psychotic episode but i DOUBT i’d be able to act with one)
a lot of how i do what i do is just because i’ve just... learned how my mental shit works and stopped pushing against it so much. if i’m down for the count, i force myself to stay down until it stops. i’ve learn to take more breaks, i’ve learned to allow shit, but i’ve also learned to just brush off other things. i hallucinate on a daily basis more times than not but frankly, i don’t have time for that to stop me. but sometimes it does! and that’s not my fault and i don’t have time to be upset about that either lmfao
so keeping busy is a huge part of it. making creativity your job is one of the best things i’ve done to keep myself creative. i think there’s FAR too much stress about the concept of inspiration and motivation because it’s honestly about discipline. i can do what i do cuz i’ve disciplined myself to be able to do it, and to be able to consistently keep it up, and the more you practice doing it, the easier it gets. a few years ago, this was completely impossible for me but now i barely even blink an eye, i’m just so used to it.
so like, idk what KIND of stuff you’re doing, cuz there’s different starting points for a lot of things, but, man. just do it. that’s honestly the best advice i can give because it doesn’t come naturally, but it will!! something is stopping you right now but you have to force your way through it. it’s not going to come to you on its own. you have to get it! and you CAN get it! no one says it has to be good. it doesn’t! sometimes it won’t be! sometimes it CAN’T be! but even if it can’t/won’t/isn’t in that moment, it can and WILL be one day. starting is so hard but once you start! you have something! something that didn’t exist before and you brought it into the world and man even if it’s only like one sentence? one paragraph? a few circles on a page? that wasn’t there before, wow!!! fucking awesome! and with the shit you’re going through?! AMAZING
also it def helps to be organized. i’m kind of hyper-organized about my shit, i mean, the biggest way i’ve coped with my mental shit is through learning psychology and constantly analyzing myself, but that’s just me. but i know how to work around my adhd, for example, by making mental lists about the steps i need to take. sometimes starting is just so hard cuz you don’t even have a path, so try making one! it doesn’t have to particularly be a long one. i love to outline stories but sometimes a story outline will literally be like, a few scenes, or a few chapters, and then i just go. sometimes the list is like.. memorize monologue! write rp reply! read something! and yknow what i might not do all those things in that day.. but i made the list! that counts for something! lmfao
oh and also just.. reward yourself a lot. find the joy in it. again, i see my creativity as a job, but it’s also something i’m so passionate about because i just... don’t care! this part is hard but honestly you really gotta find joy in the journey. we all just worry about the end, or we worry about what people think, or what we’re achieving, and it’s just.. it’s not important!!! i can worry for hours if someone is gonna like something i write, but at the end of the day, all that leaves me with is an empty document. thoughts and emotions are not permanent, no matter how hard our brains want us to think they are in that moment. but the things you draw? write? create? that LASTS. maybe not forever, but way longer than those thoughts do. and the more you practice doing that, the less and less those thoughts will come.
it’s a long process but i’m sure you can do it and i believe in you :* love you angel and good luck!!!!
#JUST DO IT MAN JUST DO IT#it baffles me how often i get questions about HOW to do stuff because like...#it's hard to answer cuz the answer is to just... GO! DO IT! MAKE THE LEAP#i guess people need to like... be told how to think their way into an action???#nah man.. the more you think the less you can act#just go... just do it.. write a sentence#see if you write more after the first#if not! whoo! you did something! if so AW YEAH! LETS HOPE YOU'RE ON A ROLL#and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah i ran outta shit to say hehe#Anonymous#ask tag
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“...20 questions?” Norah pushed her reading glasses onto the top of her shaved head just beginning to grow out and tossed her paperback into her lap. She was starting to feel that preliminary chill that heralded sleep, or aching tiredness. She crumpled her brow and pouted slightly but seeing her friend wasn’t going to give in easily she slumped back onto the couch “Okay nosey, but if you tell a fucking soul I’ll find you in the dead of night with a pair of pliers”
What are three things on Netflix that you’ve rated five stars? - Idk I don’t really watch Netflix..erm... paranormal 3? Oh, yeah, American Horror Story. And I liked the hunt. Y’know, the documentary
What’s your diet like? Are you vegetarian or vegan? Do you have any food allergies that make you have a special diet? - Full on meat eater, and no, I don't think so.
Do you like to play games? What kind of games: video, card, board? What are some of your favorites? - Yeah... I’m pretty good at checkers I guess, and I can deal with chess but I don't like it. Super Mario Bro. for life and cards, if I’m broke
What holiday is your favorite? Your least favorite? - Oh man, I love Easter. Chocolate to choke on and everybody's chilled out. Seriously, nobody ever gets angry in my family at easter. Least favorite... Christmas. Same reasons, just the other way around... and Ashleigh always tries too hard for it and dad... look, can we go to the next question. You know that part asshole.
What sort of toys did you play with as a child? - I was into taking a lot of photographs as a kid, there are draws full of crappy shots back home. and, like I said, Super Mario Bro. for life.
Who do you text most? Who do you call most? Do you have any favorites saved in your phone? - My baby Ashleigh, of course. ....Hayley. Your saggy ass. In that order btw.
What would you do with your prize money if you hit the jackpot in the lottery? - send Ashleigh to college and my step-brother. Set up trust funds, I guess... buy an original Harley Davidson, spit on the Queen, get a happy meal. Charities can have the rest
How often do you go grocery shopping? Do you tend to do it all in one trip or small trips throughout the week? - One big trip, once a week, just for me
When do you pay their bills? As soon as the bill comes in? At the last moment? Or are most of your bills automatically taken out of your account? - Most bills are set up to just go straight out of my account. I pay them myself for the bakery and savings. Anything else I guess I just see what I can do...? I like to get stuff paid off as soon as I can
What kind of car do you drive? If you don’t drive, how do you get around? - A 1952 Pontiac Chieftan. C’mmon man you know this, its fucking funny a’right, I get it. The jokes dead.
How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? What does a typical morning look like for you? - I get out of bed, eventually, and I do my yoga. Shower, then clothes, then I eat something, probably leftover lunch from the day before and I play something screamo, just to wake up. I have an espresso, tie up my boots and get to work or wherever I’m goin’. That's on a weekday, I don't do mornings at the weekend unless I got a shift
What time do you normally go to bed? How many hours of sleep do you usually need to function in the morning? What time do you normally wake up? - erm... 10? probably 3. Insomnia’s a bitch. I get up at 8 like a normal
Have you ever had an imaginary friend? If so, describe them. - nope. I used to think I could talk to Huckleberry Finn but that was when I was 8. Same thing with Kurt Cobain when I was 12.
Do you have a favorite restaurant? How often do you go to it, and what’s your usual order? - I understand pizza hut doesn't count as a restaurant to you tasteless insectoids but I’m saying pizza hut anyway. I go... maybe once or twice a month? I get a New Orleans with extra chili peppers and salad every. time. and a beer
What’s the drunkest you’ve ever been in your life? What happened? - I don't remember at lot of time I’ve been drunk, man. Um... oh wait hang on, so, if Stella is to be believed, which I don’t advise btw... you remember that house party? Or maybe you weren’t there, idk. I decided to go cause aj said there’d be good music, but there wasn’t. So, I got really pissed. Apparently a guy started talking to me and he said some shit about how ‘he was angel come to save me’ and I said ‘you’re an angel?’ and he said ‘yeah’ and I said ‘with wings?’ and he said ‘thats right’ and then *snort* ...and then I threw him out the window. cause he could fly, obviously. ..............Don’t look so freaked out man we were on the first floor.
What sort of apps do you have on your smartphone? Which ones do you use the most? - probably facetime for calls home, and notes for thoughts and things I have to remember. Amazon, garage band, live nation... Neko atsume
What do you do when you can’t sleep? - seeing as that’s 99% of the time, nearly everything. Midnight yoga, work on the car... doing donuts in the empty lot is fun. Sometimes I write something. Or I eat fruit loops and watch Heathers. again.
Did you have pets as a child? Do you have pets as an adult? Do you like animals? - Most ‘pets’ we had belonged to the neighboring farms and you didn’t get close to those see, cause they’re not yours. Sheep got sent to the butcher, too. We didn’t keep pets of our own. I’d always wanted a bird... like a hawk. or a kite... but hell, if that ever happens I’ll eat my foot
What do you carry in your purse and backpack everyday? What do you consider essentials? - A Phone, dollars, a diary, a dark lipstick, painkillers, pads, plasters, keys, penknife and a handy middle finger, sport
What were you like in high school? What clubs were you in? What sports teams were you part of? What kind of clique were you in? - urgh. The same, probably. I wasn’t in any clubs. I just... it wasn’t that I didn’t like people, everyone thinks that. I just didn’t... care. I wasn’t touchable. I was just tired. It sucked. But, who didn’t hate school right. I did judo for a while, but that was out of school. I knew a lot of kids that felt sorry about my whole thing, with mom. But I wasn’t fucking sorry. Never was.
Norah leaned back into her seat, watching carefully, like something reproachful found in a corner, judging its escape options. “Remember what I said... about the pliers” she says, but it falls flat. She rolls her shoulders back, sighing through her nose, and casually returns her reading glasses, rescuing her book. “part one of the exciting memoir ‘Fuck off now’ to be released in June. I’ll sign you a copy.”
#sccu; taskfour#sccu; spiritweek#spirit week questionnaire#kinda happy with this#I'd like to tweak it though#a lil bit
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im in a hotel with amanda in canmore writing this in bed with my eyes closed
im thikning about how i need to get better in various ways like
i need a job
i think i should.want tovolunteer at cjsw, which means first i hae to contact them and then go to an orientation
i want to feel good with amanda and i want her to feel good ith me
maybe i need to smoke less weed
why am i like stck
it feels like i’m frozen or something
or not frozen but
im stalled
or on the fence or something
about what? maybe on the ence is the wrong way o say it
what am i even saying
it’s like i want to say “it feels like there is osomthing wrong wiht me” but like im afraid to say something like that
i want to be able to say “i feel like im good at art” but
art
music
am i good at that stuff? my dedication and self-dicipline have , perhaps its fair to say , maye they’ve been lacking or in short suply over the years
i hae put a lot of time and effort ,,,, and money! ,,, into )ugh i have that i wrote moneytlike that but im still in the dark with mey eyes closed so i can’t backspace it _ gghhgh
gh
gh
im like
i feel pretty proud of the progress ive made with msic
i’ve always had the passion but my skills and inderstanding and all that , it wasn’t there
i was pretty bad at it i think probably actually ugh
i dont like thinking like that it doesnt feel good to like feel bad ugh lol
i think ive come a long way anyway
i think maybe ? i had more of an innate tallent for for art maybe?
maybE?
it came easier i think
but i didin’t stick with it
like seriously its like my life is a series of almost starting things
i left my kids
and was unable
was unable?
to push through all of the anxiety and fear and terror )terror?_)
yeah i was fucking so afraid i felt like i could hardly move or breathe
i ocouldn’t push trhough it
or like, get over myself?
to be there for them
yet i’ve hung on to it
i want to have been there
i want to be there
and yet i don’t
i’m n lsjkf
saglaskgj
i’m not
i’m not there
and i can’t let it go
and like
the art thing
i got into it and took to it naturally and got into art school
although i must admit
because i was
wasa ?
i anyway i wonder now
did i have the tallent myself to get in?
because there were those figure drawings of nad’s that she let me put in the portfolio
to ensure my acceptance
because i didn’t have figure drawings
and i was with her daughter, i ghesS?
fuck
anyway i didn’t go to art school
i’ve just been like smoking pot and trying to get laid and having reckless relationships and making bad decisions and doing a lot of drugs and drinking and just aimlessly going
and here i am
ncertain and felling ill-positioned and ill-equipped to deal with it
i often question my existance and my experience and reality
and i dont know what the fuck like
am i crazy
because i feel confused and scared and threatened
i isolate myself
like i cna’t get enough time alone
even though i spen basically all of my time alone
and i have this like longing to connect with people
but the actual experience of being with people is so like draining and exhausting and hard to deal with and mmaybe like sometimes or even often like not even like a good time?
like, a drag, man
and what am i
and where am i
like i mean i know im in bed in canmore in this weird hotel where the lightswitches are like down at mid thigh level for some reason? and the peep-hole in the door is also extremely low? like i had to stoop considerably to peep
but what is life
like, life, man
ugh pfff
guh
its just like
how can i make sense of all the information i take in about the world aroudn me, and how can i find my berrings in th
in wa;haracteristic of my behavior, or like would it be fair to describe it like, when the going tets tough, i bail? i feel like there may be some truth in that
god am i like super evasive?
and like so ... hesitant? the first wordi thought was squeemish
to like
commit
just keep on moving
running away
and i want to say like “and always trying to save the day” but idk if that’s tru tho, like, i just watched a dr who episode and that’s basically his character
not like all that stuff aforementioned,
just the part , the running, and the trying to save the day
have i just been going wherever the going is easy?
is all of this shit a cop out?
i’m on medication
and like
ok ok
two meds, welbutrin and concerta
and i have bene taking dexedrine also because i feel like the concerta is not enough
and i have all this dex i sourced illicitly
the other two are persrribed
rn i can’t even twll if i’m like just caught up in some fucking web of lies and self delusion and i’m just a fucking drug addict who is tring to escape reality
running away from the hard tstdifficult stuff, the gugly stuff, the unfortunate, the unpleasant,
i’m only very recently
now i’m thirty three just recently mind you
who am i talking to this is a locked tumblr
so im talking to me i guess
if i ever read this
i’m probly cringing
if i’m anything like i have been, lately?
my heart sinks when i wrote that
and im like torn, about being completely honest with my counselor and my pschiatrist about the dex
because im afraid that they will think im a drug addict or like a user or abuser or something
because like
it feels like it makes it better
but thats what it feels like when u get a fix for your thing right
a fix of
or whatever
but then like
what am i missing?
i’m not sure if that’s the case or what’s the cause but like, here i am
ddid i write cause up there if i did i meant case
k
like
here i am
idk if any of this makes sense
because i’mnot looking at it
just like streaming it out
is it fair to say that, i’ve stuck with music?
like there’s been this dogged persistance
like a stubborn refusal to accept that i had no tallent for it
that i was bad at it
like did i want to be arock star or something?
i cant even handle the extreme minimal ammount of attention it seems
but like
do i want, admiration?
recogntion? aproval, respect, esteem
my friends were all better at it than me
having been in band, i just picked up the bass to be in a punk band and i played the our notes and like didn’t understand anything but all this....something
passion? energy?
is it more focused now, or is there less of it
dik if its like that
kids are like that, full of spunk
right?
spunk gross
energy
zest wtf
vigour
vigor
spirit
but like
every time a path is laid out before me
like i got into art school, i just had to do it
but its like
i dont do it
and yet with music
it’s not a path
it’s like this fucking awful terrain
or even like, a wall or something
and yet that’s where for some reason it seems for whatever reason i’m pursuing making music
just keep on going htat way
inching along
i probably know less about music theory now than my friends did coming out of highshool
but i’m becoming a pretty ,,good?
music producer
im getting better anyway
for the first time im like finishing
songs
and feeling good about them
proud of them
listening to them over time and not feeling ashamed of them
and feeling like
i’m achieving someting
even though
no
one
hears my music
cares about it
and like i guess thats on me right
i dont share it
i hide it
as if like what
am i waiting for the people closest to me to express an interest in it?
maybe that would be nice but
thats not it
its like
its like
i dont wan t to show it, if its not good
show
share
present
put out there
slkhg;aslkgj
like where am i reletive to everyhting or something?
who am i and what am i supposed to be doing
because like
is it fair to say that when the going gets tough
what was i saying
has it been c
ok so i have been writing for so long with the screen off but it hasn’t been being typed
fuck this stupid shit anyway
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