2023 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso

arc v 51-65 thoughts! JACK IS HERE FINALLY!!!! also crow. also, prison arc. they sent 14 year olds to actual adult prison! the gang learned about classism, corruption in the system and that you cant Beat Cops with Smiles, but with your Fists :)

-ok. in the back end of the reiji v yuya duel yuya seems surprised to hear yuzu is okay, just taken. and im like. OH IS THAT WHY HES SO UPSET?? HE THOUGHT SHE WAS /DEAD/??? I mean. you know what thats fair. being turned into a piece of paper/cardboard(?) cards. would usually mean death I guess and he did think thats what happened to her. I still think its silly for him to be so pissed at reiji who by all accounts is the nicest ygo rich guy in the entire serieses history imo. but reiji did withhold some info to test yuya a lil bit. but yknow. still.

-…reiji's mom…TOLD the WORLD about the war/invaders AND THEY CANCELED. THE. TOURNAMENT. THEY CANCELED IT AND PRIORITIZED THE WORLDS SAFETY. we ARENT getting a FULL TOURNAMENT ARC??? IN YUGIOH??? i am shocked. no way… (I know I said itd be really funny if a protag didnt win the tournament, but they CANCELED IT which is somehow even funnier to me) I cannot say I expected this at all but im not MAD abt it

-see the next ep when yuya v his mom we learn his mom was a former GIRL GANG BOSS??? WHERE HAS /THAT/ ENERGY BEEN THIS WHOLE SERIES??? instead of being a creep towards kids she couldve been characterized like this! the story abt her and yuyas dad is pretty cute but if /i/ i had a hot mob boss wife i wouldnt be telling her to solve everything with smiles not violence :) i would pick up a fucking bat with her. whatever its FINE

-god the lil montage of yuzu's dad dueling with her in a lil baby pouch on his back and pausing a duel to change her diaper was SO CUTE. TF BEST YGO DAD FOR REAL GOD. hes a duel school teacher!!! why!! cant he come to help!!!! why are they just letting an 18-19 yr old lead the lancers into anOTHER DIMENSION. i dont CARE that hes thee most responsible smartest guy ever or whatever. my god

-shun and serena are remarkably chill abt all of this, hope we see more of them talking and hanging out and stuff. like serena looks just like his sister and yuya looks like his bestie and u KNOW thats SO weird to him?? but also they were on oppisite sides of the war! i want! more interactions! (very funny theyre both kinda trailing reiji. tbh if /i/ was stranded in another dimension he would be the person id be latching onto out of this cast, too. very nice and level headed guy)

-MY GOD. yugo is SO sweet, his calm explanation to yuzu and them just sittin and talking was great. (his reaction to yuzu implying he loves rin was also very very cute. and rins design AUGH I love it SO much. yuzu is still best arc v girl for me but rins design is my fav. GREEN.) JACK!!! MENTIONED!!!

-while they were talking it sorta explained yugo v yuto was a huge misunderstanding bc yuto thought yugo was the Fusion Enemy and yugo thought yuto was yuri. very very understandable and funny. and also im starting to think everyone in this series is colorblind bc they cant tell any of the yuzu/yuya counterparts apart by hair… (also, speaking of yuri, where did he GO. whts HE up to. weve barely gotten any of him and id like More Please)

-it's…been a minute since I watched 5ds. years. and I only watched it once, so I know im probably going to get details wrong, but aside from jack and crow, all other charas so far are arc v originals? like melissa and Guy that Looks Like This :>/ arent in 5ds right… the city kinda looks different to me, but maybe its just the animation looks newer… are we going to get an explanation to where yusei is? bc if jack and crow are in this…like, none of the protags are in arc v. are they busy. is this a universe without them.

-I forgot how dystopian 5ds was! stupid rich ppl calling the cops on yugo and yuzu for LOITERING and acting like the lower class is a Threat is a lil too real…damn. yugo is so nice immediately just pulling her along to help while shes with him ;_; personality wise hes my fav of the yu boys so far… (I feel like such a traitor for this. sorry to yuto bc zexal is my fav series. but we barely got to see him. whenever he comes back im sure we'll get..more... and sorry to yuya bc I Love Clowns….but I love silly lil bikenana boy…willing to bet when we get more yuri he might fight for that spot bc i LOVE a good villain too…we'll see…)

-YUZU'S REACTION TO YUGO DWHEEL DUEL IS SO FUNNY SHES LIKE. SO RATIONAL THO. my GOD she kept saying he should stop to duel on foot and yeah. playing yugioh (or, any card game) on a bike would be insanely hard. like you have to basically have your cards ALL memorized bc you gotta keep ur eyes ahead to drive, right, so ud only be able to glance? everyone in synchro world has insane memorizing skills. (I know to a degree you'd be able to make the d-wheels have a sort of autopilot, but no, we see them steering themselves and accelerating themselves…)

-the animation kept cutting to 3d models while they were dueling on their bikes and it did Not Look Very Good. it was still very fun.

-yuzu Learns About Corrupt Police and Society Today! She once again is the Real Protag to Me. reporter cowgirl ladys design is cute!

-what was the point of the duel if the cops were gonna just set up a blockade anyway tf. the entertainment aspect is SO fucked lmao bored rich ppl. too real. yugo u dont need to rise in society u gotta burn it all down its all fucked. -_-

-YUZU HAS BEEN IN SYNCHRO WORLD FOR (1) DAY AND IS NOW A WANTED CRIMINAL!!! HOT GIRL SUMMERRRRR. (and by proximity, yuya and serena lol)

-LAYRA SAW COPS AND FLIPPED OUT. understandable but also WHO HURT U. SHINGO IMMEDIATELY NOT GIVING A FUCK AND IS READY TO DUEL THE COPS. SERENA TOO. honestly very iconic of everybody great job. except yuya who is just baffled and not 100% ready to throw down. Get with the PROGRAM yuya u cant fight cops with smiles.

-you know I understanding theyre tryin to duel their way out of it but letting ppl from synchro see: fusion, action cards, and pendulum in ONE GO seems DANGEROUS.

-sorry, but shingo being arrested while yuya is like YAY ACTION DUEL LET ME ENTERTAIN U ^_^ IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. and everytime he asked layra if theyre okay they look like a goddamn espurr like O__O clearly NOT OK. VERY SCARED WITHOUT REIJI. WHY DID U BRING THIS TRAUMATIZED CHILD!!!

-there was a scene when yuya was like 'look at these beautiful ladies!" n his hippo girl monsters danced for an uncomfortably long time and the cops face kept being zoomed in on and he was like O__O this ep…i cant tell if its TRYING to make me laugh but it is, my god yuya u are making ME smile if no one else. for absolutely the Wrong Reason. the CHEERFUL TONE he takes on in this situation is SO NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THE GRAVITY OF BEING. ARRESTED. this cop hes dueling is also the most tirest man ive ever seen which makes it so much better

-crows entrance was absolutely INCREDIBLE. WITH THE MOODY THUNDER AND ALL!! HOLY SHIT. just the sound of revving in the distance building up to it CROWWWWW I LOVE U. still probably most excited for jack but STILL.

-ohh, yugo know doesnt what his parents look like huh…and yuzu doesnt know what her mom looked like? her dad, the most cheerful dude in the world never talked abt her? weird.. theres still the mystery of yuzu having her bracelet…id say maybe all the yuya/yuzu counterparts might be the same but no, yuya has both parents so…cannot rly do anything with this info rn…

-ok just a small thought, but in the op and the eps so far, the guy whos always looking over security (idk his name yet but he looks like this :>/) is implied to be the villain, and ig reijis dad might be one of the final villains, but we havent had any Very Present Active villains aside from GROUPS of invaders that are p much faceless…I want more like. Present Villains. does that make sense. dennis doesnt count btw hes just some guy whos hangin out.

-shingo just introduced yuya as his APPRENTICE. PLEASE. i love him so much hes the funniest guy ever. crow also immediately being like 'idk abt all this dimension stuff! but u guys can hang out here for however long u need to :)' LOVE U CROW

-my god DENNIS can juggle and do silly little magic stuff. ok. ive been very lukewarm to him but thats very cute. also 'gon-chan' PLS.

-also one of the bills he got as a tip had that little clown guy from 5ds on it. was he a …person who was important enough to be on money? i dont remember him very much except he had like. a clown wife. cannot recall his place in the plot or anything else LMAO

-yugo and yuzu just trying to convince randos on the street the WAR IS COMING AND THEY CAN TRAVEL DIMENSIONS. AND GETTING LAUGHED AT. HELP THEM.

-im running into traffic to defend gons honor. hes so mad dennis made him the villain in their silly little roleplay HAHA. dennis is like a campy little guy, even when hes outed as a traitor later I seriously seriously doubt itll stick or he'll be a real threat. hes a silly guy..also I just like his monsters designs a lot. (also, he outed xyz to synchro dimension too LMAO DUDE. now they have all the summoning methods u guys can use…)

-gallager is just. he introduces himself as a promoter but him and nico smiley are both like. pimps for duelists right. KAHSDKJ. love his outfit so much tho

-so…where the HELL did reiji land….mildly concerned about now, its been a few…eps and he hasnt been shown…where did he go……..is he ok…….is he with jack….

-ILLEGAL DUEL BETTING. GON IS SOOO OFFENDED TOO. AND THEN IT CUTS TO SHUN IMMEDIATELY IN IT. epic illegal bird moment. poor gon is having to play peacekeeper and is the only reasonable person of this trio

-crow explaining the tops STOLE riding duels and make commoners do it for fun..my god they gentrified riding duels

-very grateful yuya is the one kinda looking after layra in reijis absence. makes perfect sense since he kinda is a big bro figure to the kids at the duel school too! it adds a real softness to yuya that I like (ok lets be real hes already been pretty soft. gooey and warm center, like a cookie) for a second it panned to serena and i was thinking pls dont let the only girl in the group be the mother hen but no. she completely ignores layra and decided to go out on her own (shingo following her lol) bc shes sick of sitting around waiting and her main goal, in her Words is to Find Yuzu too. would it be weird to ship them since they..look the same supposedly….JSDKFJK its tht question of what ud do if u met a clone of urself/alt version of urself. would u kiss or kill them. serena is a Kiss the Clone kinda girl and I respect that

-'friendship cup' is the funniest name ever for a tournament. YOU HAVE TO ENTER. TO DUEL JACK. JACK IS THE PRIZE. TROPHY WIFE JACK. shun and dennis both want to fight jack sooo bad its so funny. me too (affectionate) the fact dennis and shun both took to riding bikes and dueling at the same time SO fast is. incredible. and their lil outfits….

-oh wait. this means the earlier tournament being canceled is just gonna lead into this one isnt it HAHAH i knew it couldnt be ygo without a full tournament arc….its fine. I actually dont DISLIKE these type of arcs even if they arent my favorite

-not sure if ive said it but I Must mention it: yuyas magicians have nonbinary swag

-who the hell is shinji. youre not yusei. bootleg yusei….where did they PUT YUSEI!!! are all the protags busy like DAMN!! WHERE ARE THEY!!! I understand on a meta level u wouldnt want them all in the series to take away protagswag from yuya but this series literally lends itself to a bbt style crossover! the whole series is a crossover! they shouldve had a lil movie or smth. I want. another bbt movie. but w the newer protags too. lke all 8-9(??) ygo protags...itd be FUN

-crow being such a DAD to a ton of kids is cute. and probably the best person layra couldve come to stay with tbh, hes obv concerned abt them ;_; babies. also him and yuya dueling bc crow thinks feeding kids is more important than making them smile…and yuya thinks making them smile is more important…no yuya i gotta side with crow here LMAO crow called yuya privileged too JDSFHKJ

-NINJA GUY!!! I FORGOT HE WAS WITH THE LANCERS?? i mean ive been seein him in the op but STILL. good he got layra outta there. the cops were going to arrest a CHILD. i mean ik yuya is a child too but layra is a CHILD child not a teen yk. omg jail arc???

-speaking of arcs. is this series called arc v. because. arc 5. as in fifth arc of the yugioh series. I was speculating to why it was called that last time and had the realization thats prob why JKSHDFK

-god we actually are getting a…prison arc…this is INCREDIBLE. why werent they given the prison uniforms everyone else has. btw yuya now would be the PERFECT time to bring ur inner demon out to break out

-the bosses absurdly large brick stack of cards is insane. ive never seen so many so neatly stcked in one place…bro what if someone knocked them over that would be a nightmare…

-the lil story with the boss was fun (and felt appropriate given hes dueling yuya, who is all abt Smiles and Entertaining and hed lost that…like gettin his spark back) …so the moral here is u can make friends with fellow inmates n have solidarity but the cops are always enemies. understandable and real

-so yuya should become the new prison boss. right. he beat the old boss. but whatever I guess they didnt want yuya to be a crimeboss...cowards

-so whenever someone tries breaking out, their friends/the ppl left behind get punished and taken somewhere they 'never return from'…thats…terrifying and would be pretty efficient to anyone with any kind of morals, but idk, i feel like anyone would get really desperate and try it anyway at a certain point if conditions are bad enough, their fellow inmates be damned..

-sorry but it has to be said though. this mans hair is a lizard straight up. with the little hands and everything. is anyone fucking talking about this.

-my god yugo cannot whistle at all. everytime i see him and yuzu im like. they are so funny i love them both so much SJADFHKJ we go a few eps w/out them and im so sad… btw..yuya is in jail, i kinda expected this friendship cup thing to involve them more heavily, but the :>/ guy said yugo and yuzu would be arrested when they showed up for it too and im like. is it even gonna be an Event or Not. i mean I LOVE prison arc but. Wondering

-'hey crow if ur gonna leave here (prison) can I come too..' YUYA. DO YOU THINK CROW OF ALL PEOPLE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN PRISON AND DITCH YOU ALL?? ITS CROW. CMON.

-yuya constantly looking like either the happiest dude ever (when its horribly inappropriate most of the time) or the saddest little kicked puppy alive makes me lose it. (and the third option of Murderously Possessed, but its been like 20 eps since weve seen that so..maybe the demon and yuto both peaced out. maybe they eloped. good for them)

-ok im going to need a gif of this PRONTO. shun how did you get there. HE SHOULDER DROPPED THIS MAN. XYZ BITCHES ARE BUILT DIFFERENT. XYZ REPRESENT!!!! he bodied like 15 more guards after this with his FISTS not even using his cards CMON LETS GOOO the prison break scene was AMAZING. also shingo grabbing some rare cards on the way out. best boy alert. why do his eyes glow in the dark.

-….hey shingo loses SO many duels its kind of funny. reminds me of watching manjoume from gx do the same thing. between them who has more losses. theyre both a certain…flavor of cringedude characters that i always end up liking…

btw Lightsworn Monster SPOTTED. I HAVE THIS CARD IN MY FAVORITE DECK!!! HIII FELIS!!!

-'what does a monster with 100 lp have to accomplish' -guy whos never heard of goddamn card effects. damn i thought these dudes were supposed to be the super efficient guards or whatever…anyway shun coming in with the literal xyz rescue was CUTE look at him functioning in a team ;w; good

-oh my god :>/ guy is named jean-michel roget. hes. hes french coded. u know wht i think i like my silly lil emoji name for him better. GOD DAMN they were SO close to escaping. CROW HAS KIDS AT HOME. ARGNH THEYRE TRYING TO SEPARATE SERENA TOO. BULLSHIT.

-REIJI FINALLY FINALLY SHOWING UP. WHERE WERE U. talking to a council I Guess. fucking negotiating. ok king of efficiency. he saved everyones asses with this. everyone say thank u reiji for everything, always.

-oh my god the friendship cup. theyre all being forced to demonstrate their abilities in the tournament . mandatory friendship cup. its a Full Circle. out of jail straight into the REAL tournament arc. i cant believe this.

-yuya vs jack. oh my god its going to happen. <- so excited to see jack i am going to throw UP

-crow called jack a traitor so. so they havent made up yet. I mean I FIGURED and yusei isnt HERE and i am :( I barely remember 5ds but I remember crow and jack bein silly together near the end…be FRIENDS or ELSE I will CRY

-yuzu's lil riding duel outfit is SO cute. pls. also yuzu crying with relief once she sees yuya is ok…baby ;_; theyre so Close to bein reunited….

-the problem with me trying to figure out how and why this series diverges from 5ds is that i remember Nothing Important from 5ds at all. i remember the dumbass details like that jack loved cup ramen JSDHKJ but its clearly an au (with..no yusei for some reason...) and im like. wondering if theyll ever explain WHY its an au from the original. or if im just supposed to Know. bc I Dont Yet

-I thought itd be really funny if jack DID defeat yuya in Three Turns like he said he was going to. and then he DOES. he beats him so hard yuya FLIES OFF HIS BIKE. AND BOUNCES. LMAO glad hes wearing a helmet at least. love u jack. also. i know it was probably framed in the way of jack being an asshole but I? kind of agree with him about this:

(I actually…said smth along these lines in my first arc v liveblog post:

almost word for word HAHA me and jack are on the same wavelength and he read yuya in like 10 seconds FLAT I am Amazed)

not that it's a BAD thing. he wants to make people happy, and it makes him happy in turn when theyre cheering for him! thats fine! (an irl example would be like, I enjoy making art for others to make them happy. but I also enjoy getting positive feedback for my own satisfaction!) absolutely nothing wrong with it!

HOWEVER. the impression I've gotten so far is that yuya gets upset when his opponent is the one being cheered for (a good example was the michio duel and that annoying trivia kid duel. he didnt seem real happy when the audience was rooting for them and not him!) as opposed to…I cant believe I'm comparing him to dennis but. the dennis v gon duel was a great example of what I think a more genuine entertainment duel should be…they were playing the roles of hero v villain, and dennis was great at improv there, quickly turning into the villain when Straight Man to his Comedy Guy routine Gon accused him of being the Real Villain in that situation. like he ROLLED with it and was perfectly fine with gon winning bc it suited their lil story and the audience loved it! I think entertainment dueling SHOULD be like that, like improv and acting bc you're entertaining ppl. ur a performer. u need to go w the flow more.

(Okay, this might not have been the best duel to show it off bc 1. hes dueling JACK of all ppl who declared hes gonna WIN and. he Will. 2. this is a situation where hes trying to showcase the strength of the lancers, so it wouldnt do to THROW the duel. but he couldve played into jacks dramatics a bit, made himself out to be more of a dramatic underdog, or a potential upstarter…for wanting to be an ENTERTAINER I want to see yuya channel his dramatics a LOT more than he does. esp w jack of all ppl!) to me it feels like yuya also ties a LOT of his self worth to how other ppl perceive his role in duels too which is Unhealthy (and again. is an extension of the 'smile when u want to cry' stuff imo, also pretty unhealthy) I…dont know if any of this is That Deep or theyre just trying to make jack seem like an asshole. I WANT it to be this deep bc its a REALLY interesting trait for a protag to have!

-kinda love how ppl in the Tops are dressed like old timey victorians. (also a lot of them have very western names) it just creates a very. unique vibe 

-can I also just say i LOVE LOVE LOVE the trope in ygo of 'person does what they think is the final finishing move, then theres smoke and everyone is like :0 and when the smoke clears, the person is still standing in the duel because of some trap/spell/effect' IT HAPPENS SO MUCH IN ARC V AND I EAT IT UP EVERYTIME.

-...jack gave this random child servant a card and told him it suited him and the kids mad jack 'changed' and got mad jack compared him to a 'weak card'...first off its gonna end up being smth like 'even weak cards have potential, none of them are useless, its like u, u feel like ur a low level but u also have potential' (which. very yusei thing btw) but also if my hero gave me a card i would literally be SO happy this kid is dumb asf. jack literally wasnt even being RUDE when he gave it to him and jack is usually SO Rude like CMON. 'wheeh i had NO cards and jack gave me one but its WEAK so i dont want it' this is called being ungrateful. i know hes a kid so I shouldnt be so annoyed but damn its rude. its a REALLY cute card too (not one I recognize and the text is in japanese but its a cute lil cyber girl with pink hair and a tuning fork and bc this is synchro I assume its a tuner monster or smth?)

-...went from jail to bougiest penthouse in the world. lmao and locked in his room....ur a rich persons pet now...'if u lose ur out of the penthouse' willing to bet its the same for jack since at the end of the day hes still. u know. a commons Guy cosplaying a bougie. funnily enough, the tops are saying 'as long as he keeps winning hes not a commons, hes one of us!' and the commons are saying 'hes a traitor who sold out!' then another commons guy being like 'NO jack is still OUR hero he doesnt belong to the tops!' etc. its like he cant fucking win no matter what he does! insane. jack ilu tho.

-...actually, first match is gon v crow. calling it now, gon loses his Stand In One Place shtick isnt gonna work v a motorcycle. i kinda think I want crow to win this tournament actually to duel jack KJHSDKJ i know itll prob be yuya but cmonnnn. its PERSONAL for crow. btw does this mean gon will be homeless for the rest of the friendship cup stuff since if u lose u get kicked outta the penthouse. where will he GO. ...tbh since crow has kids waiting at home for him it might be better if he loses first so he can take the losers of this tournament back home w him so they dont. go to jail again? maybe? we’ll see!!

very very fun stretch of eps, I binged SO many last night and tonight :3

Sounds of Silence pt1

A/N: Modern AU with Mitsunari! This is loosely tied to Everything comes with a price, set over a year after it. Unlike before, there won’t be a set release schedule bc this fic isn’t completely finished yet. (I just need some validation and motivation oTL). A big thank you to @dear-mrs-otome for telling me this idea doesn’t completely suck <3

Also spoilers for Mitsunari’s route!

When he opened the door all he could do was stare.

Behind it stood a young woman. And not just any young woman but the one he had seen at the library countless times reading books to kids in sign language. The woman he secretly always hoped he’d see when he went to the library, whose smile he couldn’t stop thinking about.

***

At first, Mitsunari was annoyed by the voices coming somewhere out of sight. Libraries were supposed to be where you could study in peace, he had no idea what could cause such a ruckus.

The sound of laughter guided him to the children’s section of the library, but what he saw wasn’t what he expected.

A young woman was standing in front of a group of kids, a book open in front of her, animatedly reading the book in sign language. The kids were excited, laughing and giggling at the what he assumed were the exciting parts of the story.

Mitsunari felt enamoured, his annoyance long forgotten. He didn’t even realise he had stared until the story was over and all the kids were circling her, trying to talk to her all at once. Her smile brightened her face and she looked so natural and happy amongst the kids Mitsunari felt almost jealous.

Just then, she caught him staring. He felt his face heat up and he turned around sharply, stomping back to the table he had reserved for himself. He planted his face firmly on the book open in front of him.

Gods, that was embarrassing. Who goes around staring random women, when they were supposed to study. Ughh…

*****

He saw her walk towards the children's section from the corner of his eye and somehow his head turned to look after her. She stopped to wait for a boy in his teens to bounce all excited to her a book in his hands. They shared a greeting but Mitsunari couldn't follow the signs they spoke with. It didn't stop him from staring after them when they continued on their way towards the room where he had seen her read to the kids.  

"Hey, are you even listening to me?"

Mitsunari turned to look at Sakon who looked at him a wide smile on his face.

"Or are you too busy staring after women to tutor me?"

"If you have time to lazy around and comment on everything I do, you must be ready for a quiz about all the important battles post-Honno-ji?"

"Ack! No! Don't you have any mercy, we just went through them 30 minutes ago?"

"Then what are you doing fooling around, you incorrigible dimwit. Get back to studying."

"I'm sure no one would have made me work this hard in the Sengoku period..." Sakon mumbled with a sigh.

"What was that?"

"I'm studying!"

When he was finally free of Sakon, he made his way to the children's section. But it was quiet, the children long gone. He was just about to turn around when he noticed a schedule on the wall. She would be back in an hour.

He could wait for that long.

Wait, maybe he shouldn't? Would that be weird? But he really did want to see her read again.  

He didn't see her until he got up to get some coffee from a vending machine. She was sitting on the sofas next to it with the same boy as before, lost in an animated discussion he could only guess the topic off.

A part of him wanted to loiter so he could watch them talk, but the reasonable part of his brain forced him to return to his table.

As soon as he saw her followed by the silver-haired boy he stuffed his things to his bag and stood up to follow her. A group of excited kids were already waiting for her but he stayed behind until everyone had sat down. Then he stepped behind the parents by the door, his eyes following the movements of her hands taking in every sign.

Unlike before, this time when she was finished she kept glancing at the clock and hurried away as soon as possible, almost colliding with him. The silver-haired boy tried to stop her but after some hurried signs let her go. The look on the boys face looked a bit like a lost puppy and for some reason seeing her hurry away like that made Mitsunari feel a bit same.

He was brushing his teeth in the evening when he felt the buzz of his phone in his pocket.

[23:12:45] <<bookshy>> do u evr feel like ur stuck in ur life? [23:12:52] <<bookshy>> like u shld hve accomplishd so much mor in ur life tn u hve?

He stared at the screen for a while before he typed a reply. He didn't know who bookshy was, not really. They had been talking with each other for years, but always with nicknames, always through messages in the internet. It felt more comfortable that way somehow. Knowing there was always a person willing to listen to you without judging.

[23:13:05] <<ManjuDreamer>> Are you feeling like that right now? [23:13:07] <<bookshy>> ya [23:13:11] <<bookshy>> i dunno wht ill do w/ my life [23:13:19] <<bookshy>> i thght id do so mch more u know? [23:13:22] <<bookshy>> and now i jst feel liek im stuck nd see no way out [23:13:23] <<bookshy>> is ths my life now? [23:14:50] <<bookshy>> evry1 says i shld b happy w/ wht i hve [23:14:59] <<bookshy>> i hve so much im feeling ungrateful whn i feel like ths [24:15:46] <<ManjuDreamer>> You still have plenty of time to accomplish your dreams. It's not for others to decide when you can be happy. [23:16:02] <<bookshy>> guess ur rite

He heard a knock on the bathroom door and quickly finished brushing his teeth. When he opened the door Hideyoshi was standing behind it already in his pyjamas.

"I thought you'd never come out," he commented with a yawn and pushed past him to the bathroom.

"Good night," Mitsunari wished to the closed door before he retreated back to his room.

[23:18:30] <<bookshy>> how was ur day [23:18:49] <<bookshy>> i saw the prettiest person today like hot damn [23:19:13] <<ManjuDreamer>> I saw an interesting person today too, I wish I get to see them again. Other than that, it was mostly my student being an idiot, so nothing new. [23:19:53] <<ManjuDreamer>> I tried to do some research on a paper I'm writing, but it didn't progress much. I was just about to go to bed so I have energy to study more tomorrow. [23:19:56] <<bookshy>> srry to keep u up [23:19:57] <<bookshy>> night! [23:20:10] <<ManjuDreamer>> Night.

***

Mitsunari tossed the wig from his head frustrated, running his hand over his face. He glanced at the mirror of the bathroom, at the perfectly drawn eyeliner, the perfect shade of blush, the perfectly applied foundation. The perfect set of lies, painted on his face.

[13:33:14] <<ManjuDreamer>> I went to see my mother.

He hesitated a bit before he sent the message. It didn't take long for his phone to bling with a reply.

[13:34:29] <<bookshy>> how did it go? [13:34:48] <<ManjuDreamer>> As well as you would expect. [13:34:51] <<bookshy>> u wanna t alk about it?

His fingers ghosted over the screen of his phone before he put it down and looked at the mirror again. He reached for the makeup removal wipes from his bag and scrubbed furiously at his skin until the last remains of the makeup were gone.

[13:36:18] <<ManjuDreamer>> She's there but I feel like I'm losing her. [13:37:01] <<ManjuDreamer>> Every time I visit she seems further and further away. [13:37:15]<<ManjuDreamer>> Sometimes I wonder if the mother I used to know is there at all.

He started to type his next message, but stopped, gripping his phone tight in his hand.

[13:38:34] <<ManjuDreamer>> She's my mother, but it's so hard. [13:38:42] <<ManjuDreamer>> I don't know what to do.

He glanced at the mirror to make sure his eyes weren't red before he pulled his shirt over his head and replaced it with one from his bag.

[13:38:47] <<bookshy>> ur doing plenty already [13:38:49] <<bookshy>> u dont have to push urself so hard [13:38:50] <<bookshy>> im sure shed understand [13:38:59] <<ManjuDreamer>> But I'm all she has. [13:39:02] <<bookshy>> i know [13:39:06] <<bookshy>> but u hhave 2 thnk abt urself frst [13:39:15] <<bookshy>> if u feel its too much u can keep a brek. ur not prfect. u dnt have 2 b [13:39:50] <<bookshy>> im alws hr 2 tlk if u need me [13:40:20] <<ManjuDreamer>> Thank you. It means a lot.

He put his phone on the side of the sink and wiggled out of his skirt. He really should buy a new one next time he got paid for tutoring. The zipper didn't work properly anymore and the hem was starting to fray. He kicked the flats from his feet and looked at the kneehigh socks on his feet. They wouldn't be visible under his pants anyway so he let them be and took his pants and shoes from his bag before showing the skirt and shirt in their place. He considered showing the wig in after them but realised making the wig presentable after that would be too much of a hassle. So he gently combed the wig with his fingers to sort out biggest tangles and folded it neatly in a mesh bag. Flats into a plastic bag, then into the bag.

Like countless times before.

He got dressed and made one final glance at the mirror before he put the bag on his shoulder and stepped out of the bathroom.

"Oh, Mitsunari! Here to see your mother?" a nurse greeted him when he tried to slip past the nurses' office without being noticed. What a nosy bunch of quidnuncs insistent of mothering him.

“Yes. I was just leaving.” He replied with a stiff bow.

“Come and have some tea with us! How did the test go you told me last time?” Another nurse poked her head from the office. Mitsunari resisted the urge to roll his eyes and offered another bow.

“I believe it went well. I still haven’t received the results.”

Half an hour later he was still stuck at the nurses' office surrounded by what felt like a flock of mother hens, all determined to squeeze every bit of information out of him they could. He was just getting up from his chair when a voice behind him froze him on the spot.

"Did my darling Saki leave already? She was just here... Such a dutiful daughter, coming to see her mother so often..."

His knuckles turned white as he squeezed the edge of the table, his head down. He wanted to turn around. He wanted to see his mother as himself. He wanted... needed to see if she'd recognise him this time.

"We saw her leave a while ago, Mrs Ishida. She's such a nice girl."

He heard a nurse walk his mother away and the sighs of relief from the remaining nurses.

"Are you alright, Mitsunari? You know we'll listen to you if you need to talk. Or we can help you find someone-"

"I need to go now. Goodbye," Mitsunari interrupted the nurse who had put her hand on his shoulder to calm him. He got up in such haste his chair fell to the floor with a rattle, but he just offered a quick bow before he fled the office.

He didn't stop until he arrived at the bus stop. There he sank on the bench, burying his face on his hands.

He took the bus to the library, staring idly out of the window.

[14:36:09] <<bookshy>> did u make it home [14:36:35] <<ManjuDreamer>> No. I'm heading to the library. The nurses got me again. [14:36:37] <<bookshy>> lol how did u mnage 2 escpe [18:36:56] <<ManjuDreamer>> Mother came to the office. [14:37:09] <<bookshy>> oh no [14:37:10] <<bookshy>> im so sorry [14:37:21] <<bookshy>> how r u feeling rn? [14:38:29] <<ManjuDreamer>> I don't know. I'll try to find some reading to distract myself with.

At the library, he searched for materials for his upcoming paper but when he sat down and tried to read, the words didn't make any sense.

When he had read the same page several times over and still remembered absolutely nothing he was interrupted from his reading by a book shoved on top of the one he was just reading.

"Can't you see I'm-!" the sharp words died on his lips when he saw the same woman who had read to the kids in front of him. She tapped on the note on top of the book and he looked down to read it.

'This is the book I was reading. You seemed interested'

She handed him a second book, a note on top of it too.

'I'll read this next'

When she shifted her weight from one foot to another clearly uncomfortable, he realised he was staring. He offered her a curt nod as a thank you and she bowed at him a small relieved smile on her lips. She seemed to hesitate before she signed something but he had to shake his head.

There was a slight shift on her smile, on her posture, and she took a step back.

'I'm sorry' she mouthed and offered him a bow before she all but fled, leaving him to sit alone, feeling like an idiot.

[16:19:20] <<ManjuDreamer>> I think I just made a complete fool out of myself. [16:29:59] <<bookshy>> lol rly? [16:30:00] <<bookshy>> wht did u do? [16:30:02] <<bookshy>> i thght fool wasnt in ur dicktionary [16:31:18] <<ManjuDreamer>> And for that terrible joke, I tell you nothing. [16:31:47] <<bookshy>> noooo hw wll i evr know how embarassng u can be if u don tell me? [16:32:32] <<ManjuDreamer>> You'll survive.

***

"She's not here today."

Mitsunari was startled from his thoughts by a familiar voice behind him. He turned around, vaguely aware of the frown his irritation had brought on his face.

"Who?" he asked as if he didn't know exactly who was the 'she' in question.

"I got this for you, I'm sure it holds some useful information." Mr Otani handed him a flyer for the children's activities in the local libraries. Mitsunari stared at the flyer blankly before he looked at Mr Otani, letting his irritation show.

"And what am I supposed to do with this?"

Mr Otani just smiled and pushed a book towards him as well.

"I'm sure you'll find this useful as well. Come find me if you need anything else."

Before he had time to protest Mr Otani left him with a wave, a wide smile on his face. He considered running or yelling after him, but changed his mind when he looked at the book in his hand.

'Sign language for beginners'

He tucked the children's program leaflet securely at the back of his calendar and checked the book out.

Something about the sign language intrigued him. She looked so graceful when signing. And so comfortable and she seemed genuinely love reading to the children.

At first, he thought he’d look up a few signs. Just in case some of the children needed help in the library. Just so he could talk to her. No, he meant the kids. So he could talk to the kids. But few turned into a few hundred. A few thousand. He was so lost.

***

You are Michael's partner/one & only/second-in-charge. You & Outpost Michael have gotten into an argument regarding the selections & you've had enough of him having the last word. While he's away from your chamber, you pack up & secretly leave the bunker towards the next Outpost without a word of where you're going. Michael immediately senses your absence and ... how will he react to this? 🤔

Breach Michael x Reader

Word Count 1,895

A/N: absolutely loved this concept enjoyed working with it!

Requested by @master-langdon

It was a cold grey day in late November. The weather had changed overnight, when a backing wind brought a granite sky and the nuclear winter with it. It has officially been eighteen months since the bombs fell beginning the apocalypse.

Y/N stepped out of the carriage that had pulled up outside of Outpost 3. Looking around it could best be described as a scene out of a low budget horror movie, there was rarely much left that would pass as suitable much less look like an even remote possibility of surviving. To you it looked like ground zero and to be completely honest it left you with a rather superstitious feeling, hell it actual creeped you out.

Y/N and Michael arrived at outpost 3 it was the fourth one they have visited that actually had even.an inkling of any survivors. The first three outposts they has been either abandoned, destroyed or in the case of the output they visited in Syracuse New York the survivors had been massacred.

Y/N stood inside the main commons area a little later on. Michael glided across the floor im stealth like movement. The nervous faces of the survivors watched in anticipation

Michael spoke up piercing the dead silence that had fallen across the room. “My name is Langdon and I represent the Cooperative, I won't sugar coat the situation humanity is on the brink. My arrival here is critical to the future of your survival.”

When leadership from the Cooperative arrive it was a moment that caught everyone by surprise. Michael is Venable's superior within the Cooperative, she was unaware that a representative had any intentions of course unexpectedly, Michael stood in front of the fire in the commons area. He says the other outposts had been overrun — by what, he didn't specify — and that Outpost 3 is the only surviving beacon besides another mysterious "facility" that he now wants to whisk some of the survivors to.

The questions started firing out one after the other, where was this 'sanctuary. Was there enough food supplies tp last, ect.. ect. Michael turned his head cocking it to the side, he looked stoic showing no sign of commotion. “Classified!” He responded sharply. A few more questions were asked, each receiving that same answer.. “It should take a few days at the most to conduct my interviews and can inform everyone of the results shortly after.

Michael and Y/N had been involved in a relationship for years on both a professional level as well as personal. You served as a second in command to Michael as your role in the Cooperative. They both held in their possession ID cards that contain their signatures. Michael's saying"President" and yours "Chancellor" of the Cooperative, as well as having ID numbers, ranking numbers, and other coding. Your role being that it is second in command means that in the event that Michael that was unable to or not present to carry out the work of the Cooperative then you would act in his place.

There were times that you both equally worked together, but when Y/N and Michael started to pay visits to the outposts to conduct the interviews you noticed that Michael was adamant about doing these interviews himself. You tried on multiple occasions to offer your help because honestly you felt like why should one person be bogged down with all that work it's stressful. Michael often spent late hours either conducting interviews or he was going over files or emails in his laptop.

It wasn't uncommon for you to loiter around the passageways or close to his office door to hear that was discussed between him and the survivor being questioned at that time. Y/N paid attention and absorbed info that she retained to be able to formulate your own observation/opinion as well. Normally you two were able to talk to each other when it came to any matters pertaining to the Cooperative. Y/N and Michael had that dynamic where they could talk to one another, discuss options, offer insight and work together for results. You couldn't understand why Michael seemed to be keeping you 'in the dark’ when it came to the interviews and the information revolving around it. At first you didn't confront him about anything. You stayed pretty closed lipped, knowing that given time you would bring it up. Timing was everything when it came to approaching Michael with something Y/N know was viewed as controversial and or possibly sensitive.

Y/N at various points of time had the opportunity to gain enough info on each of the survivors of Outpost 3. You weren't certain who Michael in his opinion deemed as worthy to join you both at the sanctuary. Ultimately when it came to making choices you were known to think practically and logically. You took into consideration with each person their strengths, weaknesses, the positive and the negative.

Y/N approached Michael carefully, you happen to catch him in a halfway decent mood so you hoped that maybe that since you were discussing this that maybe it would be done so in a civilized manner. “I take it the interview process must be completed.” You observed. “Just about, got a few more to take place tomorrow evening. I may some in mind though but waiting to see after I complete the final ones though.” He responded not looking up from his laptop. You had paid careful attention to who he had already interviewed, you knew exactly when and who as most of the interviews took place when everyone was gathered in the commons area. You would watch as Mrs. Mead approached each party saying “Mr. Langdon wishes to speak with you.” The only two people left yet to be interviewed was Mallory (the grey) and Andre Dinah Stevens son.

You were vaguely curious as to who Michael had in mind or thought to be worthy. “Oh really… who are the possible viable candidates if you don't mind me asking.” You asked carefully silently hoping that he would answer. Michael paused momentarily to briefly look up at you, “Mrs St Pierre Vanderbilt and Gallant.” Your jaw dropped slightly and your eyes held a shocked expression. You just as quickly regained your composer praying that Michael hadn't witnessed your initial reaction of absolute shock. “I have been paying attention to the inhabitants here, just from witnessing actions, overhearing conversations ect it seems to me that Mr Campbell and Emily seem to be viable.” Out of those you have had the opportunity to observe as well as overhear conversations about that those two seemed pretty decent. They seemed level headed and out of those that were currently residing there they had the most common sense.

Michael let out an amused chuckle “When we begin our journey through the new world I would rather have people with experience. Not deal with two fairly wet behind the ear young adults.” You felt your anger rise, normally you and Michael could talk to each other, or at least discuss things maturely. You took a deep breath before you spoke again…”Michael..you might want to consider this. Others may have not acted with the best of intentions—and that you might not know the whole story.” Michael's eyes flushed red, he was definitely angry. Despite the fact that you appreciated this as tactfully as possible it was clear you still somehow managed to strike a nerve with you. There was clearly some difference of opinion, which is heartening, you did your best to hide your emotions from Michael.

You made a final attempt to try and discuss this with him. “I understand it can be a slight oversight..” Pausing for a moment you tried to approach this professionally. “Maybe you haven’t finished thinking this through, the whole selection process a surprise to you, or you want to get a clearer sense of what is going on,” Michael's eyes held yours in a stare that read quite defensive, “I know what I am doing Y/N just drop it!” You could see that your difference of opinion is based partly on the differing understandings of the purpose of the purpose at hand. You didn't say anything more, it seemed clear that Michael wasn't open minded enough to listen to your point of view on this.

The next day while Michael conducted the final two interviews you remained back in the suite packing your things. Michael seemed determined to handle the selection process in his own way here, you took it upon yourself to leave before him to the next outpost. You wanted to handle things professionally and fairly, Michael however seemed to make it personal. Later on that night Michael returned back to the suite, it had been a long day. He didn't completely notice it at first, at one point he caught sight of a dresser drawer that was open ajar. Michael immediately got the sense that something was off, he opened the drawer all the way it was completely empty. Michael looked through the rest of the drawers and your side of the armoire..bare empty everything of yours no longer there. You were gone. Michael had never been so confused in his whole entire life. He didn't understand, why, why had he allowed this to get to this point?

Michael needed to see Y/N again, to speak to her but he was faced with a simple conundrum: what should I do next? Email her? Would the Cooperative or anyone know of your where abouts? Michael could only blame himself, he had let a personal vendetta get in the way of not only a professional relationship but his feelings for Y/N.

Michael POV…

‘My beloved Y/N, you are the greatest thing in my life and it breaks my heart to see that I have hurt you. I hate knowing that I have upset you. The last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings and make you feel insuperior. To make you think that your opinions hold no value. You mean the world to me. You deserve so much better than this and I promise I will make this right, Please Y/N forgive me and I hope that I can prove that I mean it when I say that I am sorry.’

An encrypted email came through from Jeff Pfister, Y/N had left heading to outpost 8 in Phoenix Arizona. Michael wasted no time on packing up his things and heading that way. He was going to make this right with you no matter what it took, you were far to important to him professionally and personally to let it end this way.

Neither Michael nor Y/N depend on the other for their feelings of self worth- they know in their heart that they are just as valuable to the world as the other. Good looking, optimistic, and they spark a light in the world that people recognize that goes beyond a normal relationship.

They are the perfect power couple...one of them is flawed, the other makes up for their weaknesses in their strength. Together they are the epitome of what anyone would desire in a relationship. They encourage goodness in the world and make it a better place by being together.

Hiyaaa, if you want an aftg prom still, pls consider: Neil coming home to his and andrew's apartment with one of his newest recruits, and they boy is beaten and battered and neil's first instict was to take care of him because no one ever took care of neil, and andrew's reaction to this! ❤

thanks for this!! i might have veered from the specifics a little and this is like, 70% a character study of neil and 30% Andreil Content but i hope this is okay!!

Neil Josten felt that he owed a lot to the idea of coincidences.

Coincidence was Neil taking an uncalculated risk on the Millport Dingoes the very same year that Riko Moriyama finally snapped and took the bones in Kevin Day’s hand with him. Coincidence was falling into the same orbit as the man who had watched Neil’s father slice a man like lunchmeat and coincidence was him being so single-mindedly focused on Exy that he didn’t notice Neil’s terrible dye job or the white ring around his contact lenses. Coincidence was Andrew Minyard being the single-most observant person Neil has ever met, and coincidence was Neil being forced into his field of vision.

Coincidence was also Neil here and now, stopping off at a convenience store to grab a packet of cigarettes and accidentally witnessing his potential new recruit fall victim to a heavy, parental hand. 

It had only taken one video on a grainy, digital camera to show Neil that this kid had the raw potential to be one of the greatest backliners Palmetto State would ever see. Not fifteen minutes into the footage had Neil shoved aside his other folders and said to Wymack, one thumb jutted at the screen, we have to have him. Wymack had shrugged, assented with a nonchalant you’re the captain, captain and the very next week saw the two of them riding out to Georgia in Neil’s shiny new Lexus.

(“Having a Pro Athlete for a boyfriend sure does have its perks, huh kiddo?” had almost gotten Wymack elbowed bodily out of a moving vehicle.

“Above your paygrade” in a smooth, Andrew-esque tone had Coach laughing for the next ten minutes of the drive, safe and unmoving in the passenger seat.)

So they had approached the boy, Josh, after hanging back in the shadows to watch his high school team completely demolish their opponents. Wymack had loitered, no doubt trying to catch the name of the opposition’s only saving grace, a furious offensive dealer, and Neil had attempted to look cool and friendly as opposed to cold and menacing.

Naturally, the kid told Neil to fuck off four times before Neil backed him into a corner and told him to stop squandering his future by being unnecessarily abrasive. There was something in the complicated ice of this boy’s eyes that Neil connected with, an innate fear that ducked for cover behind aggression and hunched shoulders. One minute he stood every inch his five feet and ten inches and the next, body folded in on itself like he was willing it to disappear, he looked to stand no taller than Neil himself.

“I don’t know what your deal is,” Neil had said, arms tucked across his chest with all of his patchwork scars on show, “but I come from Palmetto State. I’m not here to judge, or pry, or fix. I don’t give a shit about your tragic backstory, I give a shit about the way you single-handedly held up your team’s defense line and I give a shit about putting you on an NCAA Class I Exy team. If you can get over yourself for five minutes, I suggest you sign first and cry later”

Every fibre in this kid’s body twitched like he wanted to run and Neil was hit, not for the first time, with jarring memory of himself in this position, shadows of a dark locker room curling in around his ankles, Wymack promising a future he’d never stayed still long enough to know he wanted. Sentiment was lost on Neil, most of the time. Still, if his family of Foxes had taught him anything, it was that sometimes you had to save people despite them not wanting to be saved. At this point, that may as well be the Palmetto State Motto. Neil had given the kid a few hours to think on it. Go home, talk to whoever you need to talk to, think about it. Just remember that we did not drive out here for a no.

Wymack had, of course, grumbled about having to spend a few hours sweating my damn ass off in the pleasure of your company but had mellowed somewhat when Neil had taken him for a suitably greasy dinner and showed him how to use his new phone to FaceTime Dan. He had allowed himself a few moments to enjoy the scene; Wymack, his face far too close to the screen, cursing Dan out for not texting him all week because saying I miss you is too overrated. Dan, a pixelated blur of joy and exuberance, showing her father every single corner of her new apartment and zooming in on one Matt Boyd, tangled helplessly in the middle of an Ikea side table.

With Wymack occupied, Neil had called Andrew, who answered on the very last ring because he was a certified asshole at the best of times. “Am I to assume you will be elsewhere when I get to the dorms?”

Andrew always makes him feel so known. “I managed to pick another stubborn one”

“Yes,” Andrew says, his voice a slow rumble over the familiar, quiet growl of the Maserati, “because you were so quick to acquiesce”

“I might have been running to grab a pen,” Neil replies. Andrew doesn’t laugh, but there’s a puff of air that Neil recognises as amusement, and his own mouth curls. “I think I sold him, though. A few hours and I might finally have secured a backliner”

“You should hope so,” and then there’s a beat of silence and the tell-tale flick of a lighter, “because I refuse to listen to you whine about it all weekend”

“So you admit that you do listen, when I talk?”

“Absolutely not” and when the silence stretches for a beat too long, Neil lifts the phone from his ear and realises Andrew has disconnected the call. Typical Andrew, but now Neil’s fingers twitch to hold a cigarette and he distinctly remembers leaving them behind at the behest of Wymack’s disapproving frown. Beneath his thighs the sticky vinyl booth creaks in protest when he shifts his weight and he waves a round-about hand at Wymack before ducking out of the diner, knowing that Wymack will see him cross the road toward the convenience store and put two and two together.

It says a lot for how far he has allowed himself to sink into safety and familiarity and family that he doesn’t immediately notice the shouting. He’s caught up in realising his ID is somewhere in the glove compartment of his car and wondering if his sharp scars and sharper expression will dissuade the cashier from asking questions. Behind the front counter is a door, all peeling red paint and a half-hearted Staff Only sign, and the slight space between the door and the frame is the source of the noise. Neil has no interest in interfering. Neil has no interest in even listening to some inane disagreement between cashier and colleague, and is considering returning to the diner empty handed when he hears a sharp crack, followed by a sharper, you are never leaving me, Joshua, not ever and the unmistakeable sound of hands pummelling flesh. Something in Neil twitches to intervene but he isn’t stupid enough to walk into a small room with flying fists so, in a bid of panic, he thumps the bell by the cash drawer once, twice, three times.

A man appears from the back, face flushed the red of barely-swallowed anger, eyes a little wild and searching. Neil smiles something icy and the man is stupid enough to misread it. “Sorry ‘bout that, had’ta catch up on some paperwork in the back. What can I do ya for?”

There’s a moment where everything slows down and Neil files away details like his life depends on it. Blood, smeared across the knuckles of one large, meaty hand. A row of scratches, three raised and red, sit tucked against his chunky neck in an indication that someone had raised a hand to defend themselves. A gold ring, thick and faded, shaped to spell out DAD. Neil doesn’t know what makes him say it, but he opens his mouth to ask for a packet of Camel Blue and what comes out is “someone round the back is casing the place, you might want to check that out”

A self-righteous rage takes over the man’s expression, clouding his eyes and the twist of his mouth and he claps Neil on the shoulder as he passes on his way to the door. Men like him, Neil thinks, are far too predictable for their own good. Something like a memory tugs at his subconscious; Neil at age sixteen, dropping a similar line, waiting for the all clear to stuff his pockets full of food and hightail it out of there before anyone noticed. That, Neil thinks, was a far more sensible plan than whatever this was. He rounds the corner of the cashier desk, nudges the back door open with the flat of his hand and comes face to face with the cowering, crumpled body of his newest recruit.

The kid, Josh, is folded in on himself in the far corner of this office, schoolbag tossed a few paces away, face hidden in his hands. At Neil’s entrance he starts so hard Neil almost feels it like a physical thing and then his face does something complicated when he realises it isn’t his father; relief warring with shame warring with anger warring with hope. One of his eyes is beginning to blacken and there’s blood pouring from a cut in his eyebrow – the ring, the fucking ring – and from one side of a crooked nose. His wrist doesn’t look particularly healthy and the way he holds himself tells Neil that this is not a one off occurrence.

“What do you want?” asks Josh, and Neil has no fucking idea. There are scars on his skin from the hands of his father and the hands of his mother and there were long years of his life where he was so accustomed to being beaten within an inch of his life that he never stopped to think that maybe, he didn’t deserve it and maybe, it wasn’t normal and maybe, someone should have helped him. How many teachers saw his black eyes, his split lips, his bruised arms, and how many of them said nothing. How many strangers saw his mother grip his wrist so tightly that it popped, pulling him into a car or a hotel or an alley, how many men saw his father pummel him like a punch bag?

Without thinking about it too much, Neil holds out a hand. “I want to help you. I want you to come with me”

Josh scoffs, gesturing loosely to his face. “This is nothing compared to what he’ll do if he comes in here and I’m gone”

Neil frowns. “Look at me,” and he points to his own scarred face with equally scarred hands, “look at my face and tell me you don’t think I’ve survived worse than your piece of shit father. Come with me, now, and don’t ever come back. Let us help you”

And there it is again, the flurry of anger-fear-shame-hope. “Why?”

“You’re a damn good backliner,” Neil tells him simply, “and if you let that pathetic excuse of a man beat you any harder you won’t be, anymore”

Hesitation twists his features into something ugly. Neil knows that he has minutes, maybe seconds until the man outside realises he’s been set up. If Neil has to pick saving himself over saving this kid, he’ll probably save himself, but Josh drags himself to his feet and looks Neil squarely in the face. “If I do this…he will come looking for me”

“And he will find an entire team of angry, troubled Exy players who know their way around a racquet” Neil replies. “I can protect you, but we have to leave. Right now”

His jaw goes tight but he nods, once. Neil nods back and together they make their way toward the front of the store, Neil pushing ahead, body strung-tight with focus. Outside he nudges Josh ahead of him, watches him adjust his gait around a lopsided limp, reels in his anger for another day.

They reach the Lexus across the street and a voice from behind calls “Joshua, get back here this goddamn instant.”

Three things happen.

Josh, in a bout of incredible bravery, flips his father the middle finger and falls over himself to clamber into the back seat of Neil’s car. The father, in a bout of incredible anger, starts for Neil like he means to snap his head from his body. Wymack, in a bout of incredible exhaustion at the familiarity of a situation such as this, appears at Neil’s right shoulder and swings a right hook up and under the man’s jaw.

It sends the man on his ass and in a split-second shared glance, Neil and Wymack make the mutual decision to get the fuck out of there.

Over the course of their drive back to Palmetto, Neil explains the situation with their new backliner, Wymack assures Josh that he will be resolutely protected, and Josh leaks blood all in the fancy seats of Neil’s car. When it doesn’t seem like it will stop, Neil shucks off his hoodie and throws it at the kid, telling him to hold it fast to the wound – after a brief, whispered argument, Neil pulls over and hands Wymack the keys and throws himself into the backseat to try and assess the damage. The ring hadn’t cut his eyebrow so much as it had gouged out a chunk of skin and his nose and lip are bust but mostly dried up. There’s a patch of blood at his side, seeping through his white t-shirt, and he waves that away as split stitches. From what, Neil doesn’t ask. He tries to staunch the bleeding but succeeds only in covering his own fingers in the blood, and in the end Wymack has to drive them straight to Abby’s house.

“Abby is our team nurse,” Neil explains, while Wymack tries to parallel park a Lexus under a blanket of colourful curses, “she patches up sprained ankles but she also patched up every wound visible on my skin, so you can trust her. I can stay, if you want, or I can leave you in her capable hands while I go back to campus and make preparations for you. There’s a spare bed in one of the freshman dorm rooms, or you can stay with Abby, or you can sleep on my sofa. Whatever you need”

Josh tucks his arms around himself, bravado stripped for the day. Neil assumes it will come back, that things will be difficult, that the kid’s attitude will fling itself all over the place, but for now he’s looking at Neil like Neil just saved his life and Neil thinks he just might have.

“You can go,” Josh says, “I have more shit under here I don’t wanna flash to anyone but a nurse, right now. Uh, I don’t…maybe I can stay on your sofa? For a bit. I don’t…”

“Hey,” Neil interrupts, “you don’t have to explain. Sofa it is. Though, I should tell you, my…my boyfriend is visiting right now, and he isn’t the friendliest person you’ll ever meet-”

“Understatement,” Wymack interrupts, “fucking understatement”

“-but,” and Neil flips off Wymack, “as long as you don’t give him any reason to distrust you, you’ll be safe”

He watches the kid for a minute, waiting for something. Protest, anger, homophobia, acceptance. Instead he shrugs, tired, overwhelmed, and climbs out of the car. Wymack follows him out, with a parting jab about Neil’s use of the term boyfriend, and then Neil is left to drive back to campus alone.

Maybe it should be embarrassing that the sight of the Maserati fills Neil with a fuzzy sort of warmth but this past half-a-year has begrudgingly taught him that distance makes the heart grow fonder, or whatever, and that he should allow himself to recognise that he misses Andrew and likes it when he comes home.

Or maybe Bee had taught him that, but he wasn’t about to admit it to Andrew.

The man in question is leaning up against the hood of his car, sleek and sharp in his black jeans and leather jacket, one booted-foot propped against the license plate, a cigarette between his lips. He’s gotten broader, since Neil last saw him, bulkier in the arms and shoulders and if Andrew is feeling up to it, Neil wants to relearn the shape of him with his fingers, maybe even his mouth.

Andrew doesn’t look up when the Lexus pulls in, feigning a nonchalance the set of his jaw doesn’t quite convey, but he does look up when Neil steps out of the car and his face transitions from smooth to thunder so fast it gives Neil whiplash.

“What happened?”

Neil blinks and Andrew’s hands are on him, fingers tilting his jaw this way and that, skimming down the sides of his body, eyes roaming for injury. Neil belatedly realises that he has Josh’s blood on his hands, a little on his shirt and he curves his own fingers around Andrew’s wrists, meets his eye with a calm stare. “It isn’t mine”

“That,” Andrew says, shoulders settling away from tension, “is not as reassuring as you seem to think it is”

Neil rolls his eyes. “Had some trouble with the new recruit. He’ll be staying with us”

Andrew arches a pale eyebrow, studying the blood on Neil’s fingers with a calculated disinterest. Neil huffs. “His father was beating the shit out of him”

“Where is he now?”

“Abby’s”

Andrew studies him for a long moment. Then, “I thought taking in strays was my thing”

“Well,” and Neil smooths his thumbs down over the fine bones of Andrew’s wrists, “someone had to pick up the slack. I couldn’t leave him there. So many people must have seen my mother backhand me and no one ever stepped in. How could I-”

“Stop it,” Andrew says, and Neil stops. “You cannot take responsibility for every single person in the world. It will never make your mother un-hit you”

Neil flinches, but he knows Andrew is right. Still, “I can help him. I can help this one. I want to”

“Alright”

“Yeah?”

Andrew gives him a look. “What, were you asking my permission? Are we adopting this child together?”

Neil laughs, a new thing, tipping his head back, teeth slipping past his lips. “You don’t think we’d make good parents?”

Andrew steps close enough that one of his boots rests between Neil’s two sneakers, their hands still clasped between them becoming squashed between their chests. “I would be a textbook parent. You would be a nightmare”

“I resent that,” Neil tells him “We’re never having kids”

“Obviously”

“Cats, maybe”

Andrew blinks. “Cats? You’ve thought about cats?”

Neil shrugs, once, but can’t fight the smile spilling back onto his face. “We’re getting cats. You said yourself that you like taking in strays”

“No,” Andrew says, firm. “I do not like it. The last one I took in continues to test my patience, so I will not have another”

“I’ve been testing your patience for four years and you’ve yet to get rid of me” Neil reminds him, “I think you’re getting soft”

“I think I am getting back in my car and leaving you here” Andrew replies, allowing it when Neil’s hands wiggle up between their bodies to frame his face.

“I think you’re going to help me make use of my empty dorm room before a freshman backliner moves in onto my sofa”

Andrew doesn’t respond to this either way but he allows it when Neil stretches to press a small kiss to the corner of his mouth and he allows it when Neil takes him by the fingers and leads him into Fox Tower, and he certainly allows it when Neil peels him out of his leather jacket before the door is even closed behind them.

(Later, when Josh announces his presence with a tentative knock at the door, Andrew answers it. Neil watches them size one another up and then Andrew reaches up into his armband for a knife. “Use this on anyone other than your father,” he says, “and I will use it to remove your hands”

If the expression on his face is anything to go by, Josh has no idea what he’s agreeing to in taking that knife, but he does it anyway. Neil has to hide his smile in the collar of his newly-acquired leather jacket.)

After the Circus by Patrick Modiano – extract

Read an exclusive extract from the Nobel prize winners mysterious, romantic classic set on Parisian streets filled with dreamy unease and quiet menace now available to English readers in a new translation by Mark Polizzotti

I was eighteen, and the man whose face I dont recall was typing up my legal status, address, and supposed student enrollment as fast as I could state them. He asked how I spent my free time.

I paused for a few seconds.

I go to movies and bookstores.

You dont just go to movies and bookstores.

He cited the name of a café. No matter how often I repeated that Id never set foot in the place, I could tell he didnt believe me. Finally, he contented himself with typing the following:

I go to movies and bookstores. I have never been to the Café de la Tournelle, at number 61 on the quay of that name.

Then more questions about my activities and my parents. Yes, I took literature courses at the university. There was no danger in telling him that lie: I really had enrolled in the program, but only to prolong my draft deferment. As for my parents, they were both abroad and I had no idea when theyd return, if ever.

Then he mentioned the names of a man and a woman and asked if I knew them. I answered no. He told me to think very carefully. If I didnt tell the truth, there could be serious consequences. The threat was delivered in a calm, indifferent voice. No, really, I didnt know those two individuals. He typed my answer, then handed me the sheet, at the bottom of which was written: Seen and agreed to. I didnt bother looking over my deposition and signed with a ballpoint pen that was lying on the desk.

Before leaving, I asked why Id had to submit to that interrogation.

Your name was in someones address book.

But he didnt say who that someone was.

Well be in touch if we need you again.

He saw me to the door of his office. In the hallway, on the leather bench, sat a girl of about twenty-two.

Youre next, he said to the girl.

She stood up. We exchanged glances. Through the door that hed left ajar, I saw her sit down in the same chair that Id occupied a moment earlier.

* * *

I found myself back on the quay. It was around five in the afternoon. I walked toward the Pont Saint-Michel, thinking that I might wait for the girl to come out after her interrogation. But I couldnt just loiter about police head-quarters. I decided to bide my time in the café on the corner of Boulevard du Palais, where it meets the quay. And what if she had gone in the opposite direction, toward the Pont-Neuf ? The thought never occurred to me.

I was seated near the window, my eyes fixed on the Quai des Orfèvres. Her interrogation lasted much longer than mine. Night had already fallen when I saw her walking toward the café.

As she was passing by, I tapped on the window with the back of my hand. She looked at me in surprise, then came inside to join me.

She sat down at my table as if we knew each other and had made a date. She was the first to speak.

Did they ask you a lot of questions?

My name was in someones address book.

Do you know who?

They wouldnt tell me. But maybe you can shed some light.

She knitted her brow.

Shed light on what?

I figured your name must have been in that address book, too, and they were questioning you about the same thing.

No. With me, it was just to give evidence.

She seemed preoccupied. It felt like she was slowly forgetting I was there. I kept silent. Then she smiled. She asked how old I was. I said twenty-one, making myself three years older: legal age, at the time.

Do you have a job?

I deal in used books, I said randomly, in a tone I tried to make convincing.

She looked at my face, no doubt wondering if she could trust me.

Will you do me a favor? she asked.

* * *

At Place du Châtelet, she wanted to take the metro. It was rush hour. We stood squeezed together near the doors. At every station, the riders getting off pushed us onto the platform. Then we got back on with the new passengers. She leaned her head on my shoulder and said with a smile that no one could find us in this crowd.

At the Gare du Nord metro stop, we were carried along in the flood of travelers heading for the commuter trains. We crossed through the train station lobby, and in the checkroom she opened a locker and pulled out a black leather suitcase.

I carried the suitcase, which was rather heavy. It occurred to me that it contained more than just clothes. The metro again, same line but in the opposite direction. This time we found seats. We got off at Cité.

At the end of the Pont-Neuf, we waited for the light to turn red. I was feeling increasingly anxious. I wondered how Grabley would greet us when we arrived at the apartment. Shouldnt I tell her about Grabley, so that his presence there wouldnt catch her off guard?

We walked past the Hôtel des Monnaies. I heard the clock on the Institut de France chime nine p.m.

Are you sure no one will mind if I come to your place? she asked.

Nope. No one.

There were no lights in the apartment windows facing the quay. Had Grabley gone to his room, on the courtyard side? Normally he parked his car in the middle of the little square that forms a recess between the Hôtel des Monnaies and the Institut, but it wasnt there.

I opened the door on the fourth floor and we walked through the foyer. We entered the room that had served as my fathers office. Light fell from a naked bulb dangling from the ceiling. No furniture left, except for an old couch with dark red leaf patterns.

I set the suitcase down next to the couch. She went to the window.

You have a nice view . . .

To the left was one end of the Pont des Arts and the Louvre. Directly in front, the tip of Ile de la Cité and the small Vert-Galant park.

We sat on the couch. She looked around her and seemed amazed by the sparseness of the room.

Are you moving out?

I told her that, unfortunately, we had to vacate the premises in a month. My father had gone to Switzerland to live out his days.

Why Switzerland?

It really was too long a story for that evening. I shrugged. Grabley would be back any minute. How would he react when he saw the girl and her suitcase? I was afraid he would call my father in Switzerland, and that the latter, in a last gasp of parental dignity, would try to play the noble paterfamilias, lecture me about my studies and endangered future. But he was wasting his time.

Im tired . . .

I suggested she lie down on the couch. She hadnt removed her raincoat. I remembered that the heating no longer worked.

Are you hungry? I can go get something from the kitchen . . .

She sat on the couch, legs folded under her, resting on her heels.

Dont go to any trouble. Maybe just something to drink . . .

The light in the foyer had gone off. The bow window in the wide front hall leading to the kitchen lit the room with pale glimmers, as if there were a full moon out. Grabley had left the light on in the kitchen. In front of the old dumbwaiter stood an ironing board on which I recognized the trousers of his glen plaid suit. He ironed his own shirts and other clothes. On the folding table, where I sometimes took my meals with him, was an empty yogurt jar, a banana peel, and a packet of instant coffee. He must have eaten in. I found two yogurts, a slice of salmon, some fruit, and a bottle of whiskey three-quarters empty. When I returned, she was reading one of the magazines that Grabley had let pile up for several weeks on the office mantelpiece, risqué periodicals, as he called them, for which he had a great fondness.

I set the tray down in front of us, on the floor.

She had left the magazine open next to her and I could make out the black-and-white photo of a naked woman, seen from behind, hair tied in a ponytail, left leg extended, right leg bent, her knee resting on a mattress.

Interesting reading matter youve got . . .

No, those arent mine . . . They belong to a friend of my fathers.

She bit into an apple and poured herself some whiskey.

What have you got in that suitcase? I asked.

Oh, nothing much . . . Some personal effects . . .

It was heavy. I thought it was stuffed with gold bricks.

She gave me a sheepish smile. She explained that she lived in a house not far from Paris, near Saint-Leu-la-Forêt, but the owners had come back unexpectedly last night. She preferred to leave, as she didnt really get along with them. Tomorrow she would go to a hotel, until she could find a permanent place to live.

You can stay here as long as you like.

I was sure that Grabley, after his initial surprise, would have no objections. As for my father, what he thought no longer mattered.

Are you getting sleepy?

I intended to give her the upstairs bedroom. I would sleep on the office couch.

I led the way, suitcase in hand, up the small inner staircase to the fifth floor. The room was as sparsely furnished as the office. A bed shoved against the back wall. The nightstand and bedside lamp were gone. I switched on the fluorescent lights in the two display cases, on either side of the fireplace, where my father kept his collection of chess pieces, although these had disappeared, along with the small Chinese armoire and the fake Monticelli canvas that had left a discoloration on the sky-blue paneling. I had consigned those three objects to an antiques dealer, a certain DellAversano, for him to sell.

Is this your room? she asked.

Yes.

I had set the suitcase in front of the fireplace. She went to the window, like before, in the office.

If you look all the way to the right, I told her, you can see the statue of Henri IV and the Tour Saint-Jacques.

She gazed distractedly at the rows of books between the two windows. Then she lay down on the bed and removed her shoes with a casual flick of her foot. She asked where I was going to sleep.

Downstairs on the couch.

Stay here, she said. I dont mind.

She had kept on her raincoat. I turned off the lights in the display cases. I lay down next to her.

Doesnt it feel cold to you?

She moved closer and gently rested her head on my shoulder. Lights and shadows shaped like window grates slid across the walls and ceiling.

Whats that? she asked.

The tour boat passing by.

* * *

<img class="gu-image" itemprop="contentUrl" alt="The" cafe aux deux magots in the saint germain district in 1960. the rue de rennes in the background, on the left. FRANCE – JANUARY 01: The cafe AUX DEUX MAGOTS in the Saint Germain district in 1960. The rue de Rennes in the background, on the left. (Photo by Keystone-France/Gamma-Keystone via Getty Images)” src=”https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/fcfee192d71e0a16e7c185fc0366fd431d4f7db2/0_0_3508_2339/master/3508.jpg?w=300&q=85&auto=format&sharp=10&s=f330ada83013e1a7d2d29fafec406923″/>

Photograph: Gamma-Keystone via Getty Images

I awoke with a start. The front door had slammed.

She was lying against me, nude inside her raincoat. It was seven in the morning. I heard Grableys footsteps. He was making a phone call in the office. His voice grew louder and louder, as if he was arguing with someone. Then he left the office and went into his room.

She woke up as well and asked what time it was. She told me she had to be going. She had left some belongings in the house in Saint-Leu-la-Forêt and wanted to collect them as soon as possible.

I offered her breakfast. There was still some instant coffee in the kitchen and one of the boxes of Choco BN biscuits that Grabley always bought. When I returned to the fifth floor with the tray, she was in the large bathroom. She emerged, dressed in her black skirt and pullover sweater.

She said she would call me early that afternoon. She didnt have any paper on which to jot down my number. I took a book from the shelves and tore out the flyleaf, on which I wrote my name, address, and phone number: DANTON 55-61. She folded the paper in four and shoved it in one of her raincoat pockets. Then her lips brushed mine and she said in a low voice that she was grateful and was looking forward to seeing me again.

She walked along the quay toward the Pont des Arts.

I stood at the window for a few minutes, watching her distant silhouette cross the bridge.

I stashed the suitcase in the storage closet at the top of the stairs. I laid it flat on the floor. It was locked. I lay down again and breathed in her scent from the hollow of one of the pillows. She would eventually tell me why theyd questioned her yesterday afternoon. I tried to recall the names of the two people the detective had mentioned, asking whether I knew them. One of them sounded something like Beaufort or Bousquet. In whose address book had they found my name? Was he just trying to get information about my father? Hed asked which foreign country my father had gone to. I had covered his tracks by answering Belgium.

The week before, I had accompanied my father to the Gare de Lyon. He was wearing his old navy blue overcoat and his only luggage was a leather bag. We were early, and we waited for the Geneva train in the large restaurant on the upper level, from which we overlooked the lobby and railway tracks. Was it the late afternoon light? The golden hue on the ceiling? The chandeliers that shone down on us? My father suddenly seemed old and tired, like someone who has been playing cat and mouse for far too long and is about to give up.

The only book he brought with him for the trip was called The Hunt. He had recommended it to me several times, because the author mentioned our apartment, where hed lived twenty years earlier. What a strange coincidence . . . Hadnt my fathers life, in certain periods, resembled a hunt in which he was the prey? But so far, hed managed to elude his captors.

We were facing each other over our coffee. He was smoking, cigarette dangling from the corner of his lips. He talked about my schooling and my future. As he saw it, it was all well and good to want to write novels, as I intended, but it was safer to earn a few diplomas. I kept quiet, listening to him. Words like diplomas, stable situation, profession sounded odd in his mouth. He pronounced them with respect and a kind of nostalgia. After a while, he fell silent, exhaled a cloud of smoke, and shrugged.

We didnt exchange another word until he climbed onto the train and leaned out the lowered window. I had remained on the platform.

Grabley will live with you in the apartment. Afterward, well make a determination. Youll have to rent someplace else.

But he had said it without any conviction. The train for Geneva lurched forward, and at that moment it felt as if I were seeing that face and that navy blue coat pull away forever.

At around nine oclock, I went down to the fourth floor. I had heard Grableys footsteps. He was sitting on the office couch in his plaid bathrobe. Next to him was a tray carrying a cup of tea and a Choco BN. He hadnt shaved and his features were drawn.

Good morning, Obligado . . .

He called me by that nickname because of a friendly wager wed had. One evening, we had arranged to meet in front of a cinema on Avenue de la Grande-Armée. He had told me to get off at the Obligado metro stop. The stop was really called Argentine, but he refused to believe it. We had made a bet, which Id won.

I only got two hours sleep last night. I made my rounds.

He stroked his blond mustache and squinted.

Same places as usual?

The very ones.

His rounds invariably started at eight oclock at the Café des Deux Magots, where he had an aperitif. Then he crossed over to the Right Bank and stopped at Place Pigalle. He stayed in that neighborhood until dawn.

And what about you, Obligado?

I put a girlfriend up last night.

Does your father know?

No.

You should ask him if its all right. Im sure Ill be getting a call.

He imitated my father when he wanted to appear serious and responsible, but it rang even less true than the original.

And what sort of young lady is she?

His face took on the unctuous expression with which he suggested, every Sunday morning, that I go to Mass with him.

First of all, shes not a young lady.

Is she pretty?

I saw on his face the smug, flattering smile of the traveling salesman in some random station bar who over a beer tells you how he got lucky.

My girlfriend last night wasnt too bad either . . .

His tone became aggressive, as if we were suddenly in competition. I no longer remember what I felt at the time, with that seated man, in the empty office that looked as if it had been vacated at a moments notice, its furniture and paintings pawned or repossessed. He was my fathers stand-in, his factotum. They had met when very young on a beach on the Atlantic coast, and my father had corrupted this petty bourgeois Frenchman. For thirty years, Grabley had lived in his shadow. The only habit he retained from his childhood and good upbringing was to attend Mass every Sunday.

Will you introduce me to your girlfriend?

He gave me a complicit wink.

We could even go out together, if you like . . . Im fond of young couples.

I pictured us, her and me, in Grableys car as it crossed over the Seine and headed toward Pigalle. A young couple. One evening Id accompanied him to the Deux Magots, before he headed off on his usual rounds. We were sitting near the windows. I had been surprised to see him greet in passing a couple of about twenty-five: the woman blonde and very graceful, the man dark and overly elegant. He had even gone to talk to them, standing next to their table, while I watched from my seat. Their age and appearance marked such a sharp contrast with Grableys old-world manners that I wondered what fluke could have brought them together. The man seemed amused by what Grabley was saying, but the woman was more detached. Taking his leave, Grabley had shaken the mans hand and given the woman a ceremonious nod. When we left, he introduced them to me, but Ive forgotten their names. Then hed told me that the young man was a very useful contact and that hed met him during his rounds in Pigalle.

You seem pensive, Obligado . . . Are you in love?

He had gotten up and was standing in front of me, hands in the pockets of his bathrobe.

I need to spend all day at the office. I have to sift through the paperwork from seventy-three and move it out.

That was an office my father had rented on Boulevard Haussmann. I often used to go meet him there at the end of the afternoon. A corner room with a very high ceiling. Daylight entered through four French windows overlooking the boulevard and Rue de lArcade. Filing cabinets against the walls and a massive desk with an assortment of inkwells, blotters, and a writing case.

What did he do there? Each time, I would find him on the telephone. After thirty years, I happened across an envelope, on the back of which was printed the name of an ore refining company, the Société Civile dEtudes et Traitements de Minerais, 73 Boulevard Haussmann, Paris 8.

You and your girlfriend can come pick me up at seventy-three. Well go have dinner together . . .

I dont think shes free this evening.

He seemed disappointed. He lit a cigarette.

Well, anyway, call me at seventy-three to let me know your plans . . . Id love to meet her . . .

I was thinking I had to keep a bit of distance, or else wed have him on our backs nonstop. But Ive never been very good at saying no.

This is an extract from After the Circus by Patrick Modiano, published on 21 January by Yale University Press at £10.99. Visit the Guardian Bookshop to preorder it for £8.79.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/after-the-circus-by-patrick-modiano-extract/

metr0c0n 2k18 thursday

hewwo!! first day over aa.. this is 4 future me, but i suppose u can read it~? cosplayed: tsumiki (sd/r2)

started off the day rly eqsy bc apparently the lunch rush traffic was held back by a crash? i left after eating some cereal n packing n stucc n dad n i listened to The Eagles on the way there n i got all Registered then walked around for a lil while until my DD/lC panel. i saw a shiki (s1dem) tho n went “!!? bc i didnt think id see any s1dem cosplays here this weekend but!! oh i also saw my old friend Lynds (still cosplaying casual rapunzel like last year) n we talked abt how we became more depressed over junior year n how, when she went to d!sney trvia, she should just start singing tangled songs bc thatd b “a power move” n “have big dick energy” lol 

so anyway i went to the panel n it was just all of us writing poetry in near silence then sharing em n some ppl had serious poems or short dumb ones or funny ones n the joker/akira next 2 me wrote a rly good poem abt akira!! i wrote one abt a beast pouncing on someone in the woods n devouring em, w each line as 6 syllables! then shared one of my old poems abt my negative thoughts regarding my weight then the panel ended soon enough! 

then i got 2 walk around for 2 hrs.... i rly just kind of circled the dealer’s room n sometimes the con floor n i visited the idol table but only rly found one shinou keychain i wanted so.. oh1 a tsumiki i emt turned out 2 b the mei i befriended like 2 years ago at the con tho! n i was like “aaa it’s nice 2 see u again!” n they had the junkrat too (the junkrat wasnt junkrat tho, i just mean it was the same guy as the junkrat i befriended back then w the mei) HOWEVER at an itabag booth, i thought the person running it w pink hair looked like tori n i was like “oh my god r u cosplaying tori?” n they went “yea! n this is my Eichi!” n pointed 2 their fellow booth runner n i was so excited n asked 4 their pic n the eichi had 2 put on their jacket (they were the dance gcha versions) n i was like “oh my gosh dude i luv ES i was actually gonna go as tsukasa today we coulda been the rich kid trio omg” n i showed them my ES buttons/straps then left n a while after, i met a komaeda n took their pic n we talked abt despair n DR n joked around n hs was brought up n he apparently has a jake engl!sh cosplay at home n we were just joking around for a while abt DR n hs n h!veswap n stuff until i parted ways 2 go back 2 the dealer’s room. before that in the dealer’s room, i met a homare n after my pic i said “uhm.. prec/ure, thank you for saving everyone!!”  n found that kind of cute. a junko also took selfies w me aa.

i also met an aoba n took their pic n told them abt the official english localization coming soon n they were stoked bc they didnt kno abt it b4 n they told me there was a noiz at the con too so i was like “!!” n i eventually found them n apparently they were semi-new to the dm/md fandom? they said they were Late but i told them abt the localization too. while i was talking to the noiz, some lady at a nearby artist booth was like “are those ur real nails? omg can i take a pic” so i let her photograph my hands n we talked abt nails n how she usually kept hers long but has to cut em shorter for cons bc they break at cons due to the lifting she has to do n stuff.

the LL panel!! we mostly asked the 3 ooc questions abt idols n stuff after they did their trivia and dances. speaking of trivia, i won a d!sney villain lanyard, makkach!n sticky notes, n p0kem0n socks bc i answered like. 4-5 questions right haha some of the questions were rly easy tho sooo

then i walked around More. i explained to a group that i was giving out lollipops bc mikan’s a nurse n lollipops r like a doctor n the yukine went “i kno ur source ur no-!” n i went “i kind of am! but ur right, maybe im kind of like junko;’s mistress...” i saw a pregame saihara, kaede, n maki n when i gave them shots 4 their lollipops, i said “saihara, maybe thisll cure ur depression!” on impulse but jtggth. I ALSO MET A REI COSPLAYER n i was like “aaaa i luv ES hewwo... reiPs united” n they were like “im actually not a reiP, but ppkt hink since i cosplay him that im one haha. im a ritsuP but i cosplay rei bc who loves ritsu the most? rei!” n we talked abt events n how u have 2 try rly hard n they said that ppl think the next gacha or event will b leo n i was like “the knightsP are already Here...” n i said that if happyele brought out chiaki i’d die but b Ready n then we started talking abt how chiaki is so effing GOOD n ryuse!ta! being Good Boys n they were like “i wouldnt cosplay ryuse!ta! but chiaki, maybe... yknow, i actualy dont like subaru that much bc hes rude/cold to chiaki tbh.” n i was like “also arashi” n they went “...dont like him.” n then “how/why could/would anyone reject chiaki’s hugs?? they say he’s sweaty but like, ill hug tou so much dude” n i was like “YEA id hug him a thousand times over” n i was like “yknow how he pats anzu’s head n says good girl i wish that were me.. but hes so Good” n they were like “he obviously drops hints at anzu, saying things like ‘haha well this could/would happen If You were My Girffriend...’” n i was like “YEA the boy isnt Subtle.. he’d b like ‘wow i wish i could have a gf that could make me a bento.. wink.wink. oh, anzu u can cook? [scoots closer] hm. that’s-” they had 2 leave after a minute but ANYWAY they said they were gonna b kanzaki on saturday n im READY

THEN the whose line panel! it was RLY funny but writing all the details would take FOREVER okay.. im not that dedicated. maybe another time, kay? anyway, i saw a farz n a vincent n took their pic n went “oh, did yall see/kno there was a lawrence here earlier?” n the vincent pointed to farz n said “that was them” n they said “that was me haha...” n i went “...oh my GOD im so effing stupid i cant remember faces well im so sorry” but anyway the panel was funny n for the prompt “things u say abt ur cosply but not ur s/o”, i went up n i said “i could prob buy this for cheap...” then for “cheesy promomercials for anime characters” i said “welcome to kyu/bey’s magcal girls! u can become a magical girl w a low price. our prices r so low, but dont lose ur Head over em!” 

anyway i didnt kno the panel was 2 hours but i left a lil after halfway thru to go to the fr33! anel n they did trivia (i didnt get any of the questions.. i got CLOSE on a question tho. they said, “in 50 off who was nagisas boss” n i said “master dave” but it was “easter dave” so the other person got the prize (it was a poster or a button, idk) n i chose the number 5 for the dare n had it w rei, n rei had to propose to a random audience member n they nervously proposed to a hanayo n it was funny hehe. i also asked truth/dare 6 w nagisa n it was “whats ur dream/dream job” n he said an astronaut who’s also a penguin farmer pff anyway it was fun!! i also asked what if they were to b idols n i think rei said hed b the costume designer? i also asked if they could rap freestyle n they said “we’ll take a hard pass on that one haha”n i was like “hehe its fine i was Joking”

then i kind of loitered around blasting hypm!c songs then st down until i had 2 go hooome!! TIME 2 GO 2 BED

Here's a true story of how two bestfriends, a boy from the East Coast, and a girl from the West Coast, ultimately ended their relationship, because one fell in love with the other. Enjoy. Her name is Lindsey. We met eachother years ago in Shreveport Louisiana. Every day we grew increasingly close to eachother, became bestfriends, and evetually shit got real and we started fooling around, assuming the title "Bestfriends (with benefits)". Details of how we moved to diferent sides of the map are irrelevant, thats a totally diferent story I can provide upon request. Lindsey and I remained very close ever since we separated, even on occasion flying to the other person's city for a visit. We'd book a hotel, toss up the DO NOT DISTURB sign, have incredible dirty sex all over the room, be as loud as we wanted, and let the unfortunate housekeeper worry about the mess when we went out drinking and shopping. We had always crushed on eachother, never at the same time, which is why we never dated. So instead of being frustrated about that predicament, we just fucked we got over it. Around April of 2017, to prevent things from becoming complicated, we came to a mutual agreement to just be friends, no more emotions, no more sex, just friends. It was hard at first, but after several sessions of masturbation a week, i managed to somewhat tame the sexual urges, and disarm the nuclear warhead of sexual frustration in my pants, AKA my penis. Long story short I dealt with the drought, but i digress. In August of 2017, Lindsey made plans to fly to Tampa to see her grandparents for 2 weeks. I lived in Destin at the time so it was 7 or 8 hours away from where I stayed. She asked me to take a few days off to go see her, and ofcourse I did. We were both in a budget, so we made agreed to be simple and made arrangements to just hang out in my hotel room, watch movies, have some drinks, snacks, and catch up, etc. So as planned, towards the end of her trip, I went down there and spent three days with her. Day one, I pick her up from her grandparents' house in the suburbs, take her to my place 10 minutes away, and show her my room. 5 minutes into the evening she decides to start groping me, leading me on, giving me signs that she wants me to fuck her like a rabbit on Methamphetamines. This presents a problem for me. We had a conversation prior to this little vacation about just being platonic, which she is obviously disregarding. What she failed to understand at that moment was, I had made every effort to move on, and get over any feelings I had for her. And I did so successfully. So when presented with hot familiar pussy that Id been craving months before, I was absolutely uninterested for that reason, but also for one more unobvious reason. Small, probably predictable plot twist, I met a girl in mid July named Kelly. Let me be clear, I tell Lindsey almost everything about my life. Everyone has their secrets, but ive always been honest with her. So prior to my trip to Tampa just to keep her informed, I told her about Kelly one day. "Hey, I met this girl, blah blah blah, I dont think it will go anywhere really but, I really like her." She was jealous initially ofcourse, it was to be expected, but we talked it all out and she handled it well and everything was great. Lets get back to the situation in Tampa to see her. Shes groping me and flriting, even straddles me, fishing for me to kiss her and initiate some sticky foreplay. Its slightly awkward for me, because im not very experienced in the rejection department when it comes to getting my dick wet. Im not the prettiest guy in the world, so when a cute girl throws herself at you, you better pull out the fucking catchers gear. I didnt know how to go by letting her down without hurting her feelings, so i just kind of avoided the subject of sex. So when she tried something i just kind of brushed it off and giggled, or joked about about something random. For the most part she caught on with the message, and it was fine at first. But from her behavior, and the more and more she tried to make advances, the more aparent it became that she was actually still interested in me for more than just sex. It doesnt make sense now, but day two I confirmed my theory when she started getting emotional. She randomly started crying and asking me why i wont touch her, or be sweet with her like I used to be. I explained that nothing was wrong with her, its just not what i wanted anymore. After trying to talk her down the entire day, my answers weren't good enough. She was convinced she was doing something wrong, she became really frustrated with herself, and at this moment i am completely unaware to how to help. Eventually I started getting annoyed. She began doing shit that kind of freaked me out. For brief example; we would be relaxing watching a movie, im trying to ignore the bad vibes and help her have some fun. Something funny in the movie would happen, id laugh, look at her to see if SHES laughing, and shed be staring at me with tears on her face trying not to cry. Multiple occassions this occurred. And its fucking awkward. Maybe I was being insensitive, I get it, shes sad, but we both spent money to be there together and i wanted to make the best of it. Fast forward to the 3rd and final day together. We day drink from the morning until maybe 7pm. The advances and emotions persist. The entire afternoon she was severely bipolar, which i expected this but its okay i just want to relax and be drunk. She cried and cried, and then the next few minutes shed be really happy again and dancing, whatever. The entire time I know whats really bothering me, but im too afraid to tell Lindsey how I feel right now. So i hold my tongue and pretend to be okay. I know she remembers i like Kelly, because she kept referencing her. Asking how she was doing, or shed crack jokes about her when i spoke of her. Classic jealousy, completely obvious. Fast forward to around 7 or 8pm of the evening together. We finish day drinking, somewhat sober up, and track down a Texas Roadhouse. We get to our table, order a drink or two, and have a casual conversation while reflecting on the past couple of days. We have an honest conversation about our feelings: "What are we?" "Can we ever truly just be friends?" "Let me tell you what I think." And overall just communicating as friends about the future, and how we can fix this shit hole situation. Finally we actually had a good time together, and it was mutual. It sank in that i was just not interested in her like I used to be, and that we would truly never be together. She still let out a few tears, but like a man i comforted, and we overall enjoyed our last meal together in the same state. Fast forward to the parking lot after dinner, where shit hits the fan. Its relatively empty. I go to the passenger side of my car, open the door for her so she can get in, but we are still engaged in our heart to heart conversation so we end up loitering for awhile. I light up a cigarette, lean back against the car, and she wraps her arms around my torso and just kind of rests there, head on my chest. Ive got one arm around her and one arm free smoking my cigarette. Boom, imagery. We stay like this for a long time as i chain smoke a few cigs, just talking, and finally the conversation somehow shifts to me denying her any sex/affection/intimacy, whatever. This time its okay because she is calm, shes being understanding with every potential controversal thing i have told her over dinner. I believe she can handle this converstaion. She asked me for total honesty, she could tell there was something i didnt want to say to her and it was important she knew what was diferent. She knows i like Kate, but im still a single man, so why am i being so distant with her physically, than i have been in the past. THIS IS WHERE I REALIZE THAT BLUNT HONESTY IS NOT OKAY WHEN ADDRESSING A JEALOUS GIRL WHO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. I wasn't mean at all, i very calmly and respectively told her exactly what the reason was. I sighed deeply and said "I cant do anything with you, and ive been distant, because all i can think about is Kelly." This may be an outdated reference, but in maybe 1 second, she went from my sweet, calm, understanding bestfriend, to full blown going Jersey Shore on me. She started screaming at me, telling me that she cant believe this, etc etc. Telling me how every time she tried to move on and be with other people, she always felt guilty and cried because even though we werent together, she felt she was cheating on me. And here i am doing the same thing, but im thinking of Kelly, not her. So she put everything i ever did for her in question. Was it truly sincere? Did i ever really care about her? The whole fucking works. During all of this she is sitting on the concrete indian style just ranting relentlessly, and she procedes to get comfortable. I KNOW she plans to dig in for a decent duration because everything that was in her pockets, one by one she starts slamming it on the concrete around her, all in all making a statement to the world that says "fuck everyone and everything." Im a stubborn bastard, so from the time she started flipping out on me, to the time we finally get in the car and leave, like a man, i was still propped up against my car smoking, letting her lay into me with her insults, and ridiculous questions. All i did was stare straight ahead fed up. And I ignored her. She was pissed at me for the obvious reasons, i was pissed at her for freaking out, when all i wanted was to be honest with her. We are adults, let alone we werent even dating, id barely expect this reaction from a distraught girlfriend. But i get it, im the guy, i played with her emotions, now im getting burnt. We finally get in the car, maybe 11p, not once did i say a word to her throughout the whole car ride. At this point im ready to drop her ass back to her grandparents' house so i can check out half a day early from my hotel and drive back to west florida THAT NIGHT. Thats how pissed i am. Im still tipsy, exhausted, but the only thing i want to do is take an 8 hour trip back to my personal bed and sleep all day. But i cant take her to her grandparents' place, she still has some personal belonging in my room. We get back to the room, she climbs in my bed and pouts until she falls asleep. IN MY BED. So what do i do? Ofcourse I refuse to get in bed with her. So after 5 hours of debating on packing up all of her shit for her, waking her up, and taking her home, just like my entire highschool career, i sat at the desk, laid my head down on the table and went to sleep. Woke up that morning at 11, checked out at noon, took her home, still not one word was said to eachother by the way. The first and final words she said to me was "okay drive safe" no goodbye hug, no apologies from either sides, no attempt to fix the situation. She walked past me, i got in my car, backed out of her grandfathers driveway, we looked at eachother one last time, and i drove away. To this day, we still don't speak, the end of a relationship with a girl ive know for a fifth of my life. Love will make you do dumb shit for reasons you cant comprehend. But be careful when you go to tell people how you feel about them. It can really play with their heads and you can lose someone dear to you in the future because you dont know how to keep your mouth shut. Lindsey if you see this, im so sorry.

HOHOHHOOOHOHO you returned hello friends! Same rules as always i provided the Important partS for the skimmers but im also not apologizing for the length anymore. Let me hear you thoughts ON THE BLOG AND NOT IM MY MESSAGE INBOX XD.

June 21

the longest day in the year came and it sure felt like it. most of my day i was frustrated so that tells me a thing or two about myself. but my day started with the talk about picking weeds but that didnt happen instead we did pictures for the children all day. then i came back home and the lesson came. i listened to J. Coles verse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6atNwE-uOfE&t=7m14s on the documentary and had a great discussion about this with the baby fathers chat…. no we is not baby fathers. And no we are not plotting on you young women in the chat. they helped me work through alot of what he was saying in that we listen to the music differently just being christians. Important part people can be lead astray if they aren’t developed christians and founded in the truth. their idea of what christianity is looks like a temporary thing and not needed in the long term but instead helped the people in the days of old but now we might need something new to help the people who are having a struggle understanding the intentions of what the bible is trying to communicate. in addition its frustrating because i knew this was coming from the talks of the 2 Timothy 3. This has been a new way for me to think about music in general since its such an integral part of my life. The thats going to be my next personal study. in addition i was completely frustrated at VBS not because it was a bad day or the kids did a bad job but it started with the parents. And how they could teach their children to hate and be complete unashamed and not give a second thought the view of certain people was not only disgusting but almost pushed me over the edge. Important part i want to stay this fired up at injustice but need to find a way to convert my passion to love and not anger. I also made a resume and cover letter shout out Kalane.

June 22

while every day this week i felt like i knew when God was going to pull out the sunday school crafts and make me learn something this thursday was not the same. I was so ready to talk to take notes when we rode in brother Jeff’s car today because those cross the city rides i really have been known to catch a gem riding with my hand out the window. but it wasnt until Kenny made his way into our car at 3 an hour before we got “off”. Kenny gets in the car heated about whats going on in his community and how things arent going right. Kenny works closely with Brother Jeff in 10:12 sports with the kids but stays in the projects right across the street from a “newly opened” rec center. the frustration came from the communities exclusion from what they thought was a glimmer of light for them. the center technically opened monday but only is available to the children below the age of 5 who are enrolled in the summer camp there. Important part what was supposed to give the community an outlet for jobs, support for kids, and escape from a depressing reality at home is being forfeited because many of the kids are “two old” and too far down the path at this point so they are throwing out the whole bunch. to think the problem area in these communities were the ages 13-21 and to hear that the city is going to give them a way out. so you pull out you political boots and start getting about 6500 community petition signatures and they actually build the thing. just to find out the community wont be getting access to it in the heat of the summer and talking to the mayor of the city just to hear them tell you they “will see”, or that “they will look into it, send me an email” is extremely disheartening. especially for kenny who was out there preaching hope to these youth and their parents just to be told later. the exploitation and lack of urgency pains me and the city. the longer these kids are stuck in these pissy stairwells the faster their will for “a future” deteriorates. but after we go back to take him home and the kids all run out to greet him i can see the power 1 man has who refuses to let his light be put out even the darkness is all so much easier to live in.

then i went to dinner with my family group and we talked about understanding poverty and what different types looked like. keep your eyes peeled for the rules of operation because what doesnt seem like anything to you can actually cost you more than a black eye. Important part dont forget the only way to address these generational curses of poverty and situational poverty alike is through relationships. people need to know that you care. they dont need solutions. the reason they are telling you is not for you meet their need. do them the justice of addressing their spirit not just their need. my favorite quote from dinner was that the only way you will not be in poverty any of these resource areas is when you have a community like the church in acts freely giving and supporting one another.

June 23

And then it was Friday. I was so anxious for today before it even started I was ready to get it jumping. Every morning we have prayer I haven’t been talking that much about but don’t get me wrong it’s not a waste of my time at all. I still have my reservations about the group aspect but Important part there hasn’t been a bad morning and or day yet because I believe in the power of setting time aside to do God before getting into anything else that I might consider important. But I was geeked to get up and go to Red Emma’s after brother Jeff, Leslie, and I rode past it yesterday. but when i get in there my brain starts racing. not only is it a place of love but its a place right off north Ave and right in the middle of the art district. this was an area many people dedicated to a no judgement zone and a place where all are welcome. but what i wanted to study is what a christian environment would look like under this philosophy. they served the community and provided a space where the thirsty are given free drink and the hungry are fed. a space where all are welcome and given the liberty to be who they want to be. Important part but what i cant figure out is if that would be a good space for a church. to let people walk all over it and do whatever inside its walls. i want to say yes but i also hold such a high standard to how a church should be maintained. with their single open door bathroom policy and allowing people to “loiter” as they wait for the bus gave me a hope and a vision maybe that id have a service like that one day. where id host community outreach meetings. sell books in our library. sell food and drink and if we’re lucky and it’s on a corner as busy as red emmas ill call it sabbath or something corny. where id anoint the chairs every morning and id hire the homeless to assist me in being my prayer warriors of the city. but who knows maybe this is all just a fantasy to me. June 24 my day started like 3 times before i got fed up and time stopped moving backwards so i went on my first run. I didnt get dropped off because I ran by myself so no one could leave me in the dust and my tears. After we got back around to the city we started our bible study which slightly aggravated the kid because we went backwards to study Nehemiah again. but this time we looked at it from a different lens. Important part what i couldnt get over was how passionate he was and prideful about a people group he knew he belonged to but had never been to visit, see, or experience. but he was not only upset at their state of living up also prayed and fasted when he heard the news of the shameful city. but it didnt stop there. this man dropped everything he was doing because he saw a life better for them then the one they were living. keeping this simple we wanted to come into baltimore the way he did, not looking to turn the city from jerusalem to nehemiahville. but to empower those living and working there. the jews, nobles, priest, and everyone in between. it seemed like he also wanted something from them before he could give them what he wanted to give them. he wanted their help as well as their knowledge. literally this man has never built a wall before and someone is going to have to help him out. Important part thats how i want to be always seeking to learn the culture of the place im visiting and getting into. i never wanna feel like i have it right and others need to be like me. when infact thats not the case on this side at all. things were good after that. then I went to latino fest. and it was people watching central. la musica y la cultura fue incredible. i really felt bad because all i wanted to do was walk back and forth between the stages and listen to the live bands play and watch the folks dance but it seemed i was more interested than my counter parts. its okay tho they i halfway like doing life alone better. i videotaped some strangers for the road and spent hours trying to differentiate between which dances were salsa, bachata, and Merengue but i might need a little more help with that later. On the bus ride home my friends all decided they wanted to ditch Darius and make him walk home alone while they went to get frozen cups. One day they will like me. June 25

im getting used to starting my sunday with the farmers market. i dont know what ima do once i get home. mannnnn plus its only been my second sunday here. i walked less and knew exactly how i wanted to spend my morning, with a chocolate chip cookie. I pulled out my book as i sat right down and started doing what i do best, reading both folks and pages. i read through The Reason for God i wanted to give the people what i have and things are starting to look forward. then i went to service and we spoke about the person who was missing. in our spaces and even from the church. how what we look like and imagine heaven to be isnt what God has planned. there are going to be folks who we would have never placed there and how we can do that even in our church spaces. just to make things more bareable to the people we want to worship our God with . Important part we can say and do things to shape Gods people into our will and that is dangerous. People are made in Gods image and do not need correcting. to end my day i spent big time talking to Nao and in the park. Sabbath was a time for rest but while i was resting the city was hurting as well. i witnessed a man be almost stabbed in the street so there is still work left to be done in baltimore. im just glad God is here using me to provide a safe space for those around me.

June 26

I feel like my day took forever to get started but once it did I was cool. Editing photos for hours on end sucked the first 8 hours down the drain then it was time for the neighborhood association meeting. 6 o clock came whether I was ready or not. I actually never thought I’d end up at once of these community neighborhood watch association meetings especially after seeing them on tv and the boondocks and laughing along about how comical the whole situation is. But that was far from the case or intention of this meeting. The councilmen came and heard the immediate needs of the people and pretty much told everyone be patient and send me an email and I’ll get back to you. Between this man and the police officer they grilled I honestly Marvel at how they spun the same response with such patience with these people bringing systemic issues to their neighborhood officer from squatters, to prostitution, to education reform this man was supposed to answer them all. But this is really why I could never find myself at one of these meetings. After pouring out their hearts to the councilmen and him orchestrating who to contact to get the needs met he leaves and the meeting should be over here. Instead they continue to address their concerns with the officer asking his opinion on how to communicate with the kids and how to avoid getting robbed for the next hour and change. This isn’t a bad thing to get advice but the officer in my opinion made it very clear that he didn’t have answers that they were looking for, And that by playing his part and communicating with the association that the job would get done. But they weren’t taking this answer. They needed more. His “solution” was not going to help them stop the terrorizing happening on their streets and right in front of their homes. The desperation in the voices was heart breaking because as a spectator of this meeting and a spectator of this community I know that exactly the kind of searching for protection they were doing can only be provided by our Lord and Savior. Important part By trying to fill the God sized void in Baltimore with the agents of change that knew they were inadequate to grant change burned me on the inside. I was stuck between standing up and screaming yah gotta stop going around in circles what you’re doing is wrong is clearly fundamentally wrong. The answer is Jesus. But that couldn’t be received from me and I can’t tell if it’s because I wanted to use the cop out of “I want to just pray for the community and that’ll be doing enough” or if I was too selfish to put myself out there as an unashamed disciple of the gospel. I don’t know and it is always easy to see from your perspective but it’s harder to watch.

June 27

And it started my day with more photos and edits but then we made a trip to MND. Where we worked as a volunteer to help the guests with their resumes and things. After our trip back I saw the city and went through west Baltimore. Accidentally. My younger brother Lestle wanted to go for a trip and so we missed our stop and went for a nice little trip. The navy line took us all the way to Mondawmin mall. Which if you don’t know was one of the inciting points of the Baltimore riots in 2015. Reliving for a short time before heading home helped to really put what the community was feeling into perspective. Between the school Douglas, the mall, and the poor communities around it hurts to see what’s “the machine” distrust can do to a group of people. As relationships aren’t getting much better in these neighborhoods there is hope for others to possibly move in and change the climates of these areas. But who would want to move right next to a mall and bus depot and one of the underperforming high schools in Baltimore. Doesn’t sound too appealing at first glance. Or ever. Important part But what I see is a people in need for God and who are crying out for help. How much longer will we allow our pride and self righteousness prohibit us from being Gods instruments of change. What I noticed from the ride actually the neighborhoods leading up to mindoman mall are growing communities and not just hoods. There is hope. Some have caught to Gods vision while others are still working to it . now we just need some labors to get it off the ground

Yeah so i made it 2 weeks and im sad because it almost over and i feel like i havent learned enough. And im getting one of those feeling when God is about to tell me something i dont wanna hear so maybe we just pause this whole BUP thing until i have time to learn everything and then do what Jesus will have me do with the rest of my life. XD. you knew this blog needed at least one. Important part My last impressions would be this learning is not an arrived place and anyone can learn from a teacher, but what can you learn from a boarded up home? My challenge would be to tell you mother twice a day with at least 3 hours in between that you love her! And im thankful for all the responses to my last question you guys are smarter than me. This question would i need an answer ASAP. the city smells in some places. What can i do to make these city streets more enjoyable for everyone walking them?