5.19 || 5.20

i cant fuckin say anything because i dont know how and it'll upset people but i cant keep fucking doing this

IM SCREAMING

icanticanticanticant...

Icanticanticanticant

🌹? ówò?

“H-HIS BACK! I… I felt it….. I can’t I can’t Icanticanticanticant…” The poor girl couldn’t compose herself enough to finish her sentence but she didn’t need to for the colony to piece together what she was talking about, she felt bone.

stopstopstopstoptoomuchtoomuchnostop

-

Icanticanticanticant

OH TO BE SARANADED BY ALESSI I never thought about that before hooooo boy am I gonna think extensively about it now. Hhhhhhh I feel like he'd secretly be like somewhat good at singing actually? And it'd take him a long time to be comfortable doing so infront of someone. You know he trusts you when you catch him humming to himself comfortably in your presence! That is all hhhhhhhh

~🐤

THAT’S SUCH A HHHHHHHH FUCKIN P R E A C H IT

Gotta admit being serenaded by Alessi is such a thing and icanticanticanticant handl Eit

Personally have no idea as to what he’d sound like or what he’d even sing but it’s fine because it’s Alessi and I love him He’s trying and that’s all that matters

Legit him humming to himself is so fuckin cute and I appreciate the hell out of you mentioning it

ESPECIALLY IF HE’S LIKE REALLY REALLY CONTENT SO YOU JUST HAVE BIG HAPPY JINGLE MANAHSHDHDUIWOWOWKDCNCNSPAPFJ

Ohmygodohmygodohygod IcantIcantIcantIcant-

Marti

Nico

😭

imbrokenimbrokenimbrokenimbroken icanticanticanticant imoutimoutimout

Icanticanticanticant

She thinks I never loved her

She says it was only lust

I felt a connection

I felt a spark

I felt loved

I felt cared about

I felt happy

But I understand

they mention schoolwork i cannot hear anything anymore nothing over the sound of blocking out my failures.

they sound like the short gasp of air that my skin makes as the inside of my arm accidently brushes the side of the pot that boils my water. i make a note for later but later wont come soon enough. the circulation to my hand is cut off, ive wrapped it too tightly with the drawstring of my hoodie and my wrist is raw skin. i didnt realize i was scratching it that hard. i cannot stop i willnot stop.

they ask me am i paying attention? my clouded mind nods. shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup pleasegopleasegopleasegopleasego icanticanticanticant notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood lielielielielielielie

i hear every word they are saying. im so smart if i tried harder i could really be something. im lucky, they had to go through it alone and they did so flawlessly. this is their money and i had better not waste it. c's are a disappointment. i am less than a disappointment. i disgust them.

what do i say now? i agree that am i nothing. i have perfect grades. this is wrong. nothing is right. they leave. i lied. what now. i remember my plan.

my skin gasps, it asks for air. they do not notice and i will not let them notice. i take care of myself in the most haphazard way. someday i will be gone and i do not know how.

i’m sorry for writing this, i’m just really really not okay tonight, i haven’t been for days. My seven month old kitten, her name is Tish, she’s dying. Clinically, I’ve known this for a while. The vet told me a week or so ago that she’s only got a few weeks to live. But right now, I can see it in front of me. She won’t eat, she barely drinks, she’s down to skin and bones and her fur is ragged and thin. This is something medicine and money can’t fix, and she’s been sick since before I adopted her. But now it’s coming to claim her. For the last week, I’ve gone to bed every night wondering if she’d still be here in the morning. And miraculously she is, but I can see her wasting away more and more every day. It hurts so much, so so much, and I feel like the worst person in the world because I can’t help her, I don’t know what to do, I feel so useless, I feel like it’s my fault. So I’m going to call the vet this week, ask them to put her to sleep. The thought of her being gone is a terrible, gaping hole in my chest but I can’t stand to see her like this. She’s been the sweetest kitten, with such big expressive eyes, she doesnt’ deserve this she should be healthy and happy and cuddling with my other cats but instead she’s dying and icanticanticanticant. i know this sounds dramatic over a cat i’ve only had since february, but i’m going to be so lonely without her. I barely have relationships with people, sometimes my cats are the only emotional support I have, and losing her just feels like losing a piece of me. I just keep telling her i’m sorry over and over because she deserves better than this and better than me and all I can do is cry and cry and cry.

nonononononononononononon

icanticanticanticatn

badmemoriesbadmemoriesbadmemores

theyreallocmingbackicanticanticant

ALLABIE CALM DOWN

Allabie: "ICANTICANTICANTICANT!!!!" She seems to be having a panic attack (( did I forget to mention she has these?))