Sunday sessssh

Another week ahead of us on day 1651320 of this god damn quarantine. Things have been mostly down lately. Working from home sucks and its hard to stay focused and motivated when my family keeps distracting me. I finally get into a work grove and start knocking down goals and I get called to do a chore or an errand. I fucking hate it. it makes me feel like a dumbass kid again. It makes me wonder if living alone would be better. I love my family but after 30 years of being at home i need to do more. I constantly feel like my life is on hold, that I’m letting potential go out the door. On the other hand I always have a sense of guilt if I leave. I start to worry what will happen with me not there. I would miss them a lot. But I need to start being more selfish and make myself happy. No matter if I stay or leave things will happen and maybe worrying about the worse case scenario is just a mind game I keep losing. 

Work stresses me out everyday. WFH has been a struggle and being barred from going into work I feel disconnected. I try to stay busy but its hard when I keep thinking about all the shit going on right now. My work motivation went down the drain once the virus started to become more real. It an adjustment and I know I’m not the only one struggling. It just sucks being the only one not going into work, I feel useless and I feel bad that my coworkers still need to work. Had a breakdown today and most of last week after talking to my boss. It felt like she didn’t think I was doing anything or being productive. I felt really bad even if she didn’t really mean anything from it. She might just be worried about me since she only sees me during our zoom calls. I hope thats the case.

I wish my friends reached out to me more. I was constantly asking them if they’re okay but never really heard back. I get it they have their own lives too it would be nice to hear from them. I need to limit the amount of instagram and FB I use everyday. I think social media is contributing to my depression. I see everyone doing things with their significant others, or seeing people happy while I’m miserable at home. I wish I could go to Chicago, I miss her so much. This is the longest I went without seeing her and its driving me crazy.

This almost feels like a dream or nightmare. Everyday is the same. I’m having trouble sleeping most nights.

Rephresh

Haven’t blogged in a long time. Starting over again helps. Lots has changed since I started this tumblr. Life is a whole more annoying. I cringe when I think of how different everything was years ago. I had different friends, different relationship status, different job, different personality and perspective.

Overall grateful to be where I am today but not happy. I’m happy to have my family and friends, my job and I’m in decent health. But sometimes I get out of reality and start to hate where I am. I’m still living at home and feel trapped. Constantly feeling like I can’t escape and even if I do where do I even go?

I wish I could be with you. I hate being apart. Yeah we get to talk everyday and I get to fly out and visit you every now and then but it doesn't fill the gapping void i feel everyday. It would be different if our relationship wasn't as deep but I love this woman and not being able to feel you physically everyday drives me crazy. Its making me cherish the little time we have together. I miss being able to get up and kiss you on the way to get water out of the fridge, and kiss you again on the way to the couch.

The Past & The Present

KD waited 5yrs.

instagram.com/rtsimp