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dailynabu · 5 months

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nabu: day 0

Hi, everyone! It's Nabu. I'm currently 7986 days old and just now I've realize how young I truly am. By age 18 I already thought I was old enough to deal with life and I thought about how everything that would happen, the idea of all of this distress, anguish, pain and lots and lots of stuff made me uneasy. Of course, consider I had spent more than half of my life inside a box, a house that's not a home.

It feels so strange now, uncanny. How was I once 17 and now I'm 21? Don't come at me with all of these math witchcraft. Where all that time go? I don't think I had lived till last year. I don't think one quarter of my breaths were actual. All fake. I'd say: "but not in a bad way", but there's no "good way" to be fake. You're either bad for people or bad for yourself... And I've been too harsh with this person who stares at me in the mirror.

Everything I could, I've tried. I'm trying so hard to love myself but it is actually so incredibly hard. Went to all forms of therapy, tried every med and form. I don't know how to do it. I don't think that people like me does, but I want it, want it so bad it pains me physically.

Do you ever went outside and met a person that looked so confident you envy them? I did. Everyone always seems so much better than I do and I can't conceive the idea of being wanted even if it's about some kind of interest (not necessarily personal interest). I've worked so hard for so long and still is not enough. I catch myself falling into old patterns again and again.

Another question that just popped out my mind is where is that extroverted, cheerful, positive and bubbly person everyone around me seems to know, yet I do not? That person is always smilig and saying nice things, showing love and smiling, asking about how everyone's doing and mastering the art of telling people about how much they're worthy and how they care.

Not to brag, far from it, but people come to me saying they feel safe and not-lonely around me. I sympathize with everyone, like lots of them, love some and even worship a few; still, I feel lonely. Some of them may say: "you can count on me!" and I know they mean it, but I don't feel it, like it's some kind of sin of mine to count or seek them if I'm in need. Lastly, trusting people and opening up seems dangerous, to say the least.

I don't know. Today I don't feel sad nor upset nor distressed, just a bit tired and sleepy. I slept 4 hours in the last 2 days and I've been studying like a dog so I can have this 1 month off college. Exams and homeworks always make me feel insanely anxious and my heart problems keeps attacking me, but this time everything was... Calmer. Certainly not 100%, as you can see I barely ate and slept. I think that, under this hard skin, there's someone, a child I might add, who's extremely anxious.

For the record, I can't stand watching a match of the team I support. My hands feel sweat, my arms hurts and my heart beats faster. I know it's "just a match" and I don't really care, I barely watch something: but when I do, I do feel anxious like it was something really important. I don't really know if it's because my heart condition or anxiety or both, I run from this a-word "like the devil runs away from the cross".

Boyfriend keeps noticing it, how I hate this word (and a lot more) and he lightly jokes, but I truly get offended. I know, it's stupid. Anyway. Today was kinda... I'd exhausting, but it wasn't. I woke up by 9:20am, studied till 2:40pm and then went to college, do a test. 3 hours and half in only 4 questions, I can't stand seeing numbers nor greek letters, honestly. All of this humilliation for a degree, can you imagine? After it, went to Boyfriend's, watched some short films and cuddle till I got back House. Pretty much it. Not a hard day, I'd say, I had worsts and everyday is my best whenever I see his face.

Not too much to add. I don't feel extremely emotional to be venting, actually I'm so tired I could sleep right now. Normal day. I just wanna save this words and every single day of my life so maybe I start valuing it.

(About how much I want self love, how I feel fake with myself. About trust and difficult of opening up with people I know love me. In a good way, I don't feel bad while word-vomiting).

— 20.12.23

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#journal #daily journal #my journal #personal post #talking to myself #life update #dear diary #self reflection #healing #heal #healing journey #Youtube

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