#i'm so hashtag stressed
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repost bc apparently i can't draw hands 😔 (and two people told me just a few hours after posting, i'm hashtag devastated)
#alois trancy#ciel phantomhive#o!ciel#kuroshitsuji ii#kuroshitpost#kuroshitsuji#kuroshitsuji fanart#black butler fanart#black butler ii#black butler#art#doodle#my art#original art#digital art#digital painting#i even had to edit lou's expression for it to look a bit better#i'm so hashtag stressed#sobs#please appreciate it
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i really do love practicing 🎻
#i'm in music school so now it's a much more significant source of my already very significant fears#but practicing only feels stressful when i don't do it enough and i'm trying to 'catch up'#some weeks fly past me like hurricanes and i get to my lesson and i can't say i've made any progress and that fucks me up#and i don't think that's ever going away- like i'll always have weeks like that cuz everyone has bad days and bad weeks#from time to time#but when i plan correctly (which is becoming more and more the norm for me) my practicing is something im really proud of :)#i have a System. i didn't do very well before i had it and i would die without it now.#i get excited about learning! i get excited having realizations abt things to change or work on when i practice!#it feels experimenty a lot of the time and i like it!!!#i have a lot of catching up to do in terms of comparing myself to others but i'm not here for them i'm here for me#i will do my best and i will learn from others of course but my goals are to make my Me better first and worry abt other people later#i won't lose sight of that#<- and when it doesn't feel experimenty it can be calming to just be like okay ik what i need to do now just. Practice. Repeat.#i mean music is a fucking rollercoaster and sometimes you are at the bottom and i hate that but it comes w the territory#sometimes you're just Stuck but you do get past it and in those moments i just try to think back to previous times ive felt like that#ive felt horribly shitty before and gotten through it and come out the other side slightly better!#life is like that i think#anyways. hashtag iris loves music and being a musician 🙄 nothing new over here hehe
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I feel like I'm going to explode with stress. How do other people do this. There is a knot of anxiety in the back of my throat, in my chest, in my stomach. I have not slept enough and can't calm down enough to sleep. This is so stupid. Nothing is even happening. This is just from the confirmation that I will be moving out in a month and a half
#a leftover studio viewing today then tomorrow a contract signing for the apartment I'll be living in#and then we should be done with stuff for a while#then it's just a matter or arranging the insurance/gas/power/internet for the place#and scoring furniture where we can find it of course#there's plenty enough time and I'm sure my parents will help anywhere I need help#I'm certain they'll still let me sleep over anytime if I ever need it#so WHY is my body exploding. girl help#I'm entering a stress loop bc I'm leaving for budapest on the first#and last year I got what I believe was a stress induced illness this time of year while I was in denmark#and it SUCKED. I couldn't do anything and it felt like my heart was going to give out.#I was scared to go to sleep bc it felt like I wouldn't wake up. and that fed into the stress sleep deprivation loop#I hope this calms down because if it keeps up I will definitely get sick again. and I want to enjoy my friend trip!! aaaa!!!!#I also hope I can settle into the apartment okay#this is all very new for me and there is a fear that living apart just. won't work for me#but I'll get to try it for a year. and if it doesn't work? then so be it#but if it does? I get to stay in a nice apartment with a little private garden space#so I'll just have to endure feeling like shit for a while and stay strong#hashtag autism I love intense physical reactions to stress and major life changes#bien rambles
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White Knight
Annie January (Starlight)/John (Homelander)
Warning: Homelander. The #Homelight situation and its implied dubious consent.
“Now that you’ve spoken out about your view on sex before marriage – do you have something to share regarding your relationship with Homelander?” Annie stares at the reporter’s lipstick-gleaming smile, a hot-pink contrast to bleached teeth and tan skin. “Our readers are dying to know – does he really land it home?” Blood rushes in her ears.
The flash of a camera reminds her to un-freeze her smile, but her stomach is in tight knots, her fist balled and hidden in the folds of her skirt. “I –“
“Excuse me, what was that?”
Her head snaps up, away from the woman and to him, right there, next to her, using that tone of voice in public. “What did you just say to Starlight here?” He’s smiling, the all-teeth smile, and his voice is light enough to make Annie dig her nails into her palms.
The reporter doesn’t pick up on that note in his voice, has no reason to. She turns her attention towards him, the same lipstick-smile now gleaming in the direction of what’s essentially a loaded gun. “Our readers are wondering about the depth of your relationship.”
“And what makes you think –“ Annie feels frozen stiff, staring his bright smile, those wolf-gleaming eyes. “What makes you think that that’s an appropriate question to ask?”
“The public can’t help but wonder –“
“No.” He shakes his head, one hand going up to stop her, flat of his red palm raised. “No, no, no. In fact –“ Raises his voice, all-American-authority that makes Annie sick to her stomach. “Everybody, listen. Stop the—No flash. I want you to listen.”
The cameras stop flashing, the reporters raise their microphones. The mass of bodies presses in, claustrophobic and unaware of its own vulnerability.
“I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour. You understand?” And his voice tips, gets cutting in a way it shouldn’t, can’t be in public. “There will be no more rude, invasive questions aimed at Starlight. In fact, there will be no more questions of any—“ Louder, colder, and she can’t let that happen. There’s not enough distance between them for her to properly use her powers and there are way too many people way too close for her to even consider that, but she has to do something.
She presses in, puts a hand on his chest. “Let’s go home.”
His head whips around and he stares, ripped from his speech. There’s a fraction of a second where his expression is empty, unreadable, and she tenses up, prepares. But his eyes widen, then his eyebrows go down, he tilts his head, his mouth opens, closes, a flicker in his lashes, a series of almost-expressions rattling by too fast for her to make sense of. Without warning, he leans in, folds himself around her, his arm going around her shoulder and his left hand to her hip. “Right, yes. Let’s go home.” His voice is a little lost, light, as if he’s just as surprised as she is to hear the words coming from his mouth, and she has just enough time to feel his grip tighten around her before they’re shooting up past the gleaming skyscrapers.
When she opens her eyes, the city glitters underneath them and the air tastes of ozone. It’s cool, the wind whips around them. His grip on her waist is tight enough to bruise and her fingers are clawed into his shoulders. “Hey, could you –“
“Yes, right. Sorry.” Absent-mindedly, he adjusts his grip, hoists her up a bit to slip his arm under her knees. It’s so quick and so gentle that there’s no doubt in her mind that it’s a routine move, that he hardly even knows what he’s doing. “Can you believe that?”
She’s resting against his chest, the leather of his glove on her bare thigh. The knot in her stomach pulses sickeningly. “That journalists ask indecent questions? Yes.”
He shakes his head, gaze lost in the depths of the sky around them. “Unbelievable. I should’ve punched my fist through her skull. Should’ve covered the asphalt in her boiling brain matter.”
Annie’s heart pounds in her chest. “Well,” she finally says, light and dry, “I’m glad you didn’t.”
He snorts at that. “Yeah, right. You know, you should be thanking me for this. They never asked Maeve those questions before she outed herself as a sexual deviant. And calm your horses, Jesus. I can hear your heartbeat from here.” At that last part, he tilts his head to look down at her, all smiles and electric blue eyes. “I didn’t save you from those vultures only to drop you to your death now, Sunshine.”
No, she almost says. She’s not afraid. She’s angry. She’s furious and disgusted and hateful. Except – She bites her tongue, hard, and kills that thought in the root. “I’d like to get home, then.”
His smile freezes. “But of course.” His voice is cutting again, haughty. “Hold on tight.”
She swallows, redistributes her weight to rest more securely against his chest. The angle is awkward, she presses her knees together and clenches her fists in her skirt.
“I said,” pressed through those porcelain-gleaming teeth. “Hold on tight, Darling. This might be a little uncomfortable otherwise.”
She exhales through her nose and puts her hand on his shoulder, turns her face into his chest. Shoulders drawn up, she closes her eyes and presses closer, pushes herself tightly against him. Then, everything is a rush of wind and ozone. It barely takes a second, but it feels like she presses her forehead into his warm-hard chest for ages, stomach in knots and heartbeat hammering, the leather of his glove skin-warm against her thigh.
Then, suddenly, he halts, abruptly enough that his cape whips around them. It contrasts with how gentle he lands on her balcony, boots barely clicking on marble.
Relief floods her, sudden and violently. She straightens a little, uses her hand on his shoulder to try and pull herself up so she can climb out of his arms, but his grip on her tightens. She blinks, turns her head to look at him.
He meets her eye, gold and tan and ice-blue. When he speaks up, his voice is gentle and quiet, a secret. “You know, you could thank me. I mean, I did save you back there.”
At first, she’s frozen in place, staring up at him. From what?, she almost asks. From the innocent civilians doing their jobs? From a situation you put me in yourself? Anger rises in her throat, her pulse hammers against her throat.
She tries to think of Alex, of Hughie. Of the reporter with her lipstick-sticky smile. Her stomach is in knots.
She looks up into his eyes. Under her palm, she can feel the warmth of his chest. “Thank you.”
#this feels as if all it'd take would be a tad more details and it could work as a proper fic chapter#[homelander voice] hashtag homelight!#the boys s3#drabble#starlander#in fact - it could easily be ch3 of the hoodie verse I'm working on#I even gave it an alternative ending for that exact reason#but for now it's a little standalone drabble <3#She was so scared in the business lunch one but I feel like there's much more to her#but also! I think once she'd get ANGRY at him she'd be on that slippery slope you know? watch out girlie!!! don't think about that chest!#ALSO!!!!! important question: what do YOU think was going on in his head here?!#because it could be simple jealousy over the fact that he’s not landing it home :| it could also be pure annoyance & stress. it could be —#a GENUINE interest in her - he keeps picking up that she’s uneasy after all. but maybe it’s just wounded pride. his weird morals. etc.#super fascinating to me to think about. I’m writing something from his pov rn and he’s soooo fun AH!!!!#love my little man.
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Pacing back and forth rapidly rambling to my parents like a mad man trying to figure out whether or not I experienced sexism at film school today or if these guys are just assholes in a different way
#ramblings of a lunatic#like they made a couple comments about how one woman in the department (who's always stressed bc she has a busy job)-#-clearly doesn't ''like guys'' and gave them the wrong equipment to set them up for failure (??? okay???)#and proceeded to organise things so that. none of the other members (who were all girls and here's where i can't tell if it's coincidence)#-had ANYTHING to do on set. like didn't ask them to set up tripods (we all went to thr class where you learn to set up tripods...)#didn't ask them even to hold things or plug things in (they did ask me but only bc i spoke up and volunteered multiple times)#didn't even really talk to us much bc they were off in their own world setting up equipment (that we didn't need btw)#and i can't tell if they were just really focused or being exclusionary!#and i don't think there's a clear answer to any of this. if it did happen it's almost definitely unintentional.#it might've just been bad optics. again unintentional. and i don't know how the other girls felt or if they were bothered#so i can't claim to speak to collective experience#I'm just. I'M JUST PACING WONDERING IF I'M CRAZY#also i told them the one day i was available was today and they showed up and proceeded to have nothing for me (or any of the girls) to do#and now i don't even know what i could do. maybe ask the editor if they want an edit assist bc that's one of the roles#siiighhhh#also feel it's important to mention that one of the guys was on the autism spectrum#so i can't tell how much of it was exclusion bc he thinks he's the only one competent enough to do these tasks (and that coincidentally-#-the only other guy in the group is also the only one competent enough to help him)#or if he was just having a relatable social ineptitude moment where he didn't realise the rest of us felt useless and excluded#and i don't know how much that context effects the end result BC I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS REAL OR IF I'M JUST A HASHTAG FEMINAZI SJW LIB#UGH#(use of the word feminazi was ironic parody of the way sexists speak pls pls pls don't think i ever talk like that irl)
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“like even when i was a hardcore gaylor i thought they would be together forever”
idk but that made me laugh lol
jsdhfjkshdfjsdhfjsh i'm glad it did bc i meant it to be funny
#i always get stressed mentioning my k/gaylor days (not that i'm like. 100% not a gaylor now lmao) bc ppl on both sides of the situation get#mad at me#but so far so good#and honestly who cares tbh we are all silly little ppl blogging abt a silly little popstar#hashtag living and learning#ask
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decided 2 just be cwilbur for halloween cause i just have the clothes he wears. maybe i'll curl my hair for it
#look anika's talking!#i'm gonna wear a toque but i'll get a white clip on extension from like spirit halloween or wherever cause hashtag no stress now#i do have wavy black hair 2 my mid-back so curling it will be WAY more effort than it's worth but we stay silly
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haircut day haircut day haircut day haircut day
#have i ever told y'all how much i hate going to the hairdresser's#all of the hair salons around me have uppity beauty girlies with blonde hair#they make me uncomfortable because i look frumpy on my days off and i almost always get judgemental looks#i have very long hair but I'm gender non conforming so they just think im a bum#“you sure you don't want your eyebrows done?” “we have a manicure lady here too most days” “this shade of blue is not yours”#i get it. i know it. i just don't care. the fact that i have long ass hair does not mean I'm a girly girl#most days i throw it in a braid or a bun and call it quits#if i was in America i would tell them it's a religious thing. but im not#hashtag stressed and depressed
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Watched all of Rubius’ r/place videos while pounding a bottle of wine I’ve been trying to get rid of for ages and MAN. MANNNN. I really love Rubius. r/place was such an incredible experience, and watching his videos reminded me of just how hype and fun the r/place phenomenon was
#i talk#mcyt talk#I guess#Rubius is NOT a mcyt-er but I don't have another ''catch all'' tag for this so whatever#also to be completely transparent: this wine is like 50% juice because I keep tossing juice I can't finish in there#because like what else am I gonna do - waste juice? heck no#always drink responsibly#but anyways HOOO BOY THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN#was feeling a bit ''agh'' because I'm going back into the office tomorrow for the first time in ages#and that always stresses me out even though I work remotely 90% of the time#but I feel a bit better after watching all that#even though I know I'll be suffering in a few hours because No Sleep#it is what it is I suppose#hashtag worth it#I really do feel like my spanish is - somehow - becoming better#I think it's a mix of me translating stuff for KarmaIand's english community#and translating words I don't know over and over and then remembering them after the 10th time or whatever#I'm someone who Really Can't Learn Languages outside of a (well-structured well-taught) class#but this is more progress than I've made in ages and it makes me feel good#I'll always be grateful to Quackity for helping me feel more comfortable trying to learn again#without feeling ashamed that I didn't already know Spanish#anyways#I'd love to do more translation stuff for KarmaIand#been learning even MORE fun new sony vegas tricks thanks to my shenanigans on the other blog so that's been fun#night y'all#r place#rplace
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On today’s episode of university woes: my college somehow expects me to sit for an exam on the day I’m returning. No because literally they gave us the option to return on the 12th, so I decided to return on the 12th and now they’re like ‘Oh surprise! You’re supposed to sit for an exam on the 12th’ meanwhile at the time of the exam I’m going to be in a whole different country. Plus they forgot to add my name to the timetable so I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be taking the exam at that time but all of the other students taking the same subject have theirs on the 12th so. Yeah. Fun times.
#A student is a wretched little creature#I'm not That surprised because there have been many more fun little miscommunication issues throughout the term#and i'm doing a fun little joint degree and my two departments can't communicate to save their lives#hashtag joint school life#but yeah#'ohh here's your collections timetable' well the only thing I'M collecting is stress and misery so#no but honestly is this just a problem with my college or is everyone just as disorganised#i do feel that the whole uni is rife with such things but i'm pretty sure that this is just a#'my college doesn't know how to function' issue#mine
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im like i need to know every popular release and also every critically acclaimed and/or influential and underrated release only accepted years later for every year that will be discussed in this fic. genre does not matter. oh yeah also i need to read every book anyone mentions as important. and watch every movie with an important soundtrack. and i need to make sure that i have a clear philosophy of the industry. and i can't forget about [list of political issues] and [roles of various intersecting identities]. what do you mean i haven't started writing.
#anyway stream Donovan a gift from a flower to a garden#I like. I'm a fan of music generally but I'm not an encyclopedia of it u know what I mean#But sometimes I feel like i should be#Hashtag dude#Jk I'm gonna actually start writing soon#Only so many audio msgs I can make#Au22#Look at that I'm tagging#I'm not actually stressed at all I'm just looking at my list and laughing at myself
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Are you cold lol
hi anon!!!
yes!!! i am!!!
the lake effect is probably one of my least favorite things ever </3 i hate snow i hate ice i hate driving in snow and ice bestie it is so cold
#anon#lol i was really stressed about having to drive in the weather today and had a hashtag breakdown on tumblr dot com by reblogging that post#it's a Great time#like the drive was a bit freaky but it was completely fine haha just nervous to have to drive aGAIN in a couple of days now UGH#but it's whatever ig#also i just get anxious over pretty much everything ever so like that's fun lol#anxiety is high when i'm home therefore i freak out more than necessary at snow ojihugyfcghui#but like we were on a travel ban for a bit yesterday🫠#aNYWHO#i should. prolly try and sleep before i spiral lol <3 okay no i won't spiral now my brain is just wooo wooo woooooooooo right now#corey rambles:)
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LEVERAGE AU’S AT WORD COUNT WAHOO i wanna finish this fic before i start my new job so let’s go let’s go let’s gooooooo
#but as expected it's only part 2#still gotta write part 3 and i'm a little stressed i won't make deadline but y'know#at this point trix the dolls are the dolls......#the hashtag-leo part of me is very pleased at the pacing#and how it's become a three-act structure without THAT much conscious work on my part#it's okay though now act iii is all about CATHARSIS#the two big questions are how to start it and how to end it but at least lakjsdfnlaksjdnflsd#i have the SQX bit figured out#damn dude I did not expect this fic to mention beefleaf and liushen so heavily#BUT AT THIS POINT TRIX THE DOLLS ARE THE DOLLS#leverage AU
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sorry for not really being here lately! had an interview and am waiting to hear back and my dog has a dental cleaning tomorrow which i am weirdly very anxious about so honestly, i am not in a headspace where i can write. i can barely sit still in front of my computer for more the three seconds tbh. will try to be here tomorrow tho!
#i was good i was fine and then#i had to fill out a form giving them permission to save my dogs life if necessary#which is obviously just a legal thing but she's a senior dog and now i'm stressed that something might go wrong#even tho its a dental cleaning#and everything is going to be fine#and i'm fairly confident about this interview as it was at the school i taught at last year and they loved me#and the principal who interviewed me is literally one of my references#so#it should also be fine but what if its NOT#husband is away for work rn as its his turn to have day shifts with on call nights so i'm kinda on my own for all this stress#{ y'all hashtag this }
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Baby, if you loved me, you would call me your bunny
Tell me that I'm just a baby, honey
Beat me and tell me that no one will love me
Better than you do
Better than you do
There will be no more plotting, planning, playing around. That is over, okay? From here on out, there is only my dutiful, loving main squeeze Starlight, worshipping me and me alone.
#the boys#hiiiiiii I'm obsessed with the horrors my girl is going through#[homelander voice] hashtag homelight!#I stayed up to 2:30 to finish this which was a DUMB decision#but it wouldn't leave my head.#the boys spoilers#keep out the stars / turn out the lights <- how topical for their shipname…#btw I was surprised by how much Homelander/y/n is. i think it used to be more ugh what’s his face. Butcher/y/n.#*there is. also no hate re:Butcher naturally but also girlies you could save some time and just read some yn/J.Winchester#but I digress!!#naturally this should be taken the same way the song itself should be taken. which is to say —#🌹🦢🩰✨🎟🍰🏹🍓🪞💌💫#you know?#either way I love when Homelander lashes out whenever he’s stressed#it’s so predictable it’s so pathetic 🥰🥰 show me that abusive narcissism babeeee!!!#also I love how often they interact in triangles and how those are framed
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about to enter the toughest 4 weeks evaaa then no more studying for the next 8 months. LOL
#trying to psych myself into studying by saying it's legit the last month of studying already#but i'm so Hashtag tired#and stressed#like a lot of what's impeding me is the fear of messing up so i don't do it in the first place#text#college tag
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