doing this to him in my brain.. if u even care....

morning toddheads

Men who view women as their intellectual equals 😍

unironically fat people with arfid deserve personal apologies from basically every single person on the planet individually

Me: I'm having a good day!

Also me, about two hours later: starts having symptoms of a heart attack, pretends everything is okay and tries to deep breathe out of the symptoms, partner comes home early after I say i'm having chest pain, begins to try to convince partner I am fine (partner is not convinced) goes to urgent care, proceeds to get an emergency EKG, has to have two separate people try to draw bloods, gets asked by doctor if I am depressed or if I am under stress, proceeds to tell the doctor that I am not as stressed out as when I was broke and homeless and therefore I must be okay, has prolonged eye contact with doctor who proceeds to explain that stress is not a competition of worse environments (something something), then gets diagnosed with both panic attacks and precordial pain/pressure and told to make an appointment with cardiologist as soon as possible because having this much chest pain is apparently not normal.

Me: I'm having a day!

my boss threw me under a bus/accused me of things at four pm today, and i'm having a normal time about it. give me something else to think about please

i got my pathology results back at my one week post-surgery appointment with my oncologist yesterday and all the margins looked good with no evidence of lymphatic spread, which means there's no need for radiation or chemo atm - instead i'll be having imaging done every three months to watch for any recurrence and we'll go from there 🙃

step 1 of watching suits: haha fun plot! look at this little guy pretending to be a law school graduate. yeah this won't have any consequences whatsoever

step 2 of watching suits: oh this little guy and that bigshot lawyer have some good chemistry. yeah they're both committing a crime by having him work at this new york big law firm but it's fun :)

step 3 of watching suits: they're actually facing consequences to their actions now, but oh god i don't want to see either of them lose. yes, they did something terrible but don't we all want to feel a bit special. don't we all feel stuck. doesn't our own ambition swallow us whole. don't we feel insanely loyal to the person who gave us everything. we're going down together. if you go, i go.

I think I'm getting a piano tomorrow!!!

I hope you all know that the King Papyrus ending literally lives rent free in my head I think about it a lot-

barton being awkward at first or even completely throughout a whole interaction whenever he's trying to comfort people is so in character for him TBH and let me tell y'all why because i think it's important to his character:

he can fake a lot of things. barton can fake being nice to people, he can fake being innocent, and he can even fake having a much stronger sense of morality around people if he wants to — but whenever it comes to empathizing with someone on an emotional level... barton finds himself often struggling with faking it because of the nature of it. and this is due to it being different than whenever he's trying to feign something easily comprehensible like innocence. but empathy is something that's usually viewed as innate in us as humans and has to do with love, which doesn't depend on logic. it's something that comes from within, so it doesn't have clear parameters as to how you should do it, so whenever barton tries to fake it in the event that he's trying to make someone feel better; he'll stumble. and so although barton can cognitively empathize with someone, his efforts to actually put himself in other people's shoes fall flat, as he just can't physically imagine himself being in someone else's position probably more than half the time.

so if your muse were to ever come to him seeming upset, barton would likely not know what to do / how to comfort them, at least for a bit before referencing back on how he's seen other people do it. because i hate to say it (i don't, in reality, but y'all know what i mean LOL) but barton does actively mimic behaviors that he sees people do whenever he feels the absence of a certain emotion. he especially does this whenever he's trying to appear charming to other people, but like i said, he'll also try to use what he's seen his peers do as a guide as for what he should do in regards to empathy. and sometimes he may even seem a bit flustered before he's able to do this because he knows that it is expected of him to be able to empathize with people and can identify it in other people BUT knowing how to approach faking it has always been sort of hard for him even as an adult.

but yeahhh, that's just my own two cents about how barton sometimes break character that he is quote unquote ' normal, ' though he does try to mask this around people who aren't really familiar with him as simply being social awkwardness. however, it is part of a larger thing with him as despite the fact that he can blend in with the population REALLY well and also is pretty good at manipulating others, i suppose you could say that barton is still not an expert at ' constructing empathy ' because whenever someone is visibly hurt in front of him... he is more liable to act like he isn't sure what to do, than to put on an act immediately since he is likely to feel nothing first before anything else. and i realize that that is a rather unsettling thought, but i think that he is a lot more suspectible to doing this with people he doesn't know well / who he isn't particularly close to, as he's got a lot more practice with being falsely empathetic towards friends and/or sometimes even family members.

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

;; angel is the type of person to literally fake a heat to get sympathy fucks does this make any sense

guys i need help i want to make a "[teacher's name] is reading..." thing for my classroom so the kids can see what i'm currently reading, but i have ZERO ideas and how to even go about that and looking other ones up did not help lol

also if anyone knows any good classroom decorations, pls send help lol

what is it about "being disabled means i can't do things that other people can" that parents refuse to understand

Hope it's okay to ask this here, sorry if not

I have a qpp, we are long distance so don't see each other often. Now they were able to visit me some time ago and all the time leading up to it I was excited about that.

But when they actually got here my brain sudfenly switched to avoidance. We've seen each other once again since then and it's been the same, when I see them in real life I just do not want to interact with them. Haven't really interacted on the internet as much since then butvwhen we did it's fine for my brain.

It's just really confusing to me because it happened so suddenly and I've never heard about something like this before. I always thought if you don't feel an attraction to someone anymore it happens more slowly? So yeah, any ideas about that?

Honestly, this is a pretty difficult question to answer. Outside of the attraction and aromanticism warehouse, I'd actually like to point to the psychological aspects of this.

It's pretty common to be excited about something, and then get spontaneously anxious the day of. They're pretty related, even! And while I don't specifically know you, I know I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, and I struggle a lot with my personal connections with others. I want to have people around me, I crave affection and care and all that comes with that - and I'm so terrified of it I regularly self-sabotage to avoid the possibility that I may receive that affection. I'm terrified of accepting it. I'll plan for weeks for a fun outing, and then the day comes and I want to vanish into the aether, tell them nothing, and live out a life of exile.

And I don't feel in that moment that I'm necessarily afraid of their affection. I subconsciously blame anything and everything else. I'll wonder if I'm sick (ignoring that I haven't taken my meds yet, and I always wake up a little unwell). I'll feel like there's some weird tension between my friends and I (and ignore that there's no concrete evidence, not ask them or allow that person the agency to speak their side, assume the worst of my closest friends). Etc, etc.

I'm not going to arm-chair diagnose you from my apartment at 4 in the morning. but i do want to provide the thought that while this could be about attraction, it could also be something to talk to a therapist about, talk to your qpr about, and consider through the perspective of your personal history with affection, interpersonal relationships, and if you've recently had negative experiences with those.

i hope this helps!