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noxtivagus · 2 years

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aymeric de borel oh my god

#🌙.rambles #[ ffxiv. ]#nvm the azemet brainrot #this man is the only person on my mind #apollo's annoying me rn bcs she's doing the enw role quests w aymeric 🤕#the gposing... the screenshots she's taking OH MY FUCKING GOD #i'm making fun of her but ik i'm gna do just the same ahaha 💀#watched her play a bit through the role quests #prompted me to look back at my own old heavensward notes again. yes #cringe and free.#nooooo i'm looking at my other notes n i have more ffxiv quotes here #'we were blind to the truth once so i'll tell you this as one fool to another. light dark it doesn't matter. what matters is how you choose #to use them. we made our choice and you see what came of it so please. forge a different path. seize a better fate.'#to face and accept a loss on such a grand scale that /they/ have experienced... i can only hope their tragedy is something #i'll never have to face myself #n then drk stuff here — 'the freedom to follow your heart'#'sacrifice is to renounce that which binds you' & 'to recognize that which matters—and forsake all that does not'#he 'knows you cannot continue to carry all these burdens. heed his warning before it is too late'#the pent-up anger of the wol here is a feeling i know all too well. to face such injustice and find no closure to prevent anymore bleeding..#'—yearning to be free. to set you free. you need only ask'#drk rlly speaks out to me in a sense that i struggle with a kind of 'dark' or other side as well #hmmm. the actual jpn dialogue offers more meaningful insight as well. i'll read those fan translations again soon #ahhh the lore i wrote here for my wol in relation to her white rose. i rmber the flower language i researched n the symbolisms i thought of #n i have like several paragraphs here of 'lore' for my wol but i see how it uh. painfully reflects on me #talking abt burdens and trust and distance and loneliness and. 'when she faltered all she knew was to keep on going'#these dynamics i wrote for my wol w charas r cute #the contrast i have here with emet n the exarch is sad #oh n that scene with emet. some notes i have are 'remember' 'GOD I CRIES THERE HES SO LONELY'#n i write of finding comfort in remembering. in the abyss. in the familiarity #n ryne here... 'her words to ryne' 'touched me so badly' 'its what i want'. uhuh. i will not read anymore i will breakdown if i do

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meownotgood · 1 month

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cosplanning for the next con... hello

#I spent so long on the wig... 😭#I've never worn a wig before #so I didn't really know how to do it #and I'm still not sure if I like it #frieren doesn't have those hair clips but I need them otherwise the bangs get in my face #the pigtails are also so heavy #I took the whole cosplay off and felt ready for a nap loooolll #I'll practice doing her hairstyle on myself in case I end up ditching the wig #the con isn't for a while so I have time #zzzzzzzz.....

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harpuiaa · 2 months

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persona 2 doodles

#im playing innocent sin again girl help #if you're wondering abt the massive amount of joker. it's simple. hes very fun to draw #persona #smt #p2 #the last two are older but i figured i never posted them here #the image with a very funnily faced NiGHTS was a style swap with. well. NiGHTS bc i realised they're both jesters nd i can do what i want #idk what it is abt joker but i always draw him more unhinged than he actually is like hes jun in his most grieving and angry nd revengeful-#-state. but bc of his mask find it hard to take him seriously when drawing him myself. sorry jun i'll draw you properly one day. i promise #it's what happens when you have the most tragic plot important antagonist dress like a clown i suppose...#persona 2 spoilers #for good measure #realising i draw characters facing left entirely too often

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hwajin · 5 months

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me @ men today

#i've become such a misandrist #with every year i get older i hate men more and more #i've never been one to receive male attention at all i'm not super attractive nor confident #but i've been trying to put more effort into myself #men are never tipping more than when i have a full face of make up and am not wearing my apron #so you can see my body since i have a very tight fitted work uniform #the need to always perform but also not wanting to but also having the urge to because validation is smth engraved SCREAAAAMMMING #and everyone daring to lie that 'natural is better' and 'men don't even like make up' LIARSSSSS I'M SO SICK i don't wanna date a man ever #maybe lesbianism is a choice and maybe i'll choose it #tbd!!!#☆°.—kathy talks!!

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britneyshakespeare · 4 months

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My toxic trait is that I like how my incomplete drawings look better than the finished things

#im sorry i cant be her (my searching lines)#i cant stop thinking about this drawing i have a sinking feeling that im gonna be very unhappy when its done #or. not unhappy. but not as excited as i feel about it now!#i only worked in two short chunks on it but both were pretty productive #i have a feeling that when i take the time to really dedicate myself to it im gonna fuck something up #like i can see areas i need to/can improve already but the glaring flaws are ok! bc it's not finished!#it OVERALL looks cool and LOOKS like it has the potential to turn out well #but will it... WILL IT??? WILL IT EVER?#i have never been so totally completely satisfied w any finished drawing ive dedicated myself to fully.#tales from diana #this is also only the second time ive done a really deliberate self-portrait that wasnt in some for or another. practice #like of course ive drawn my face before. not that often actually. but since yes i do draw. i have drawn myself #i probably should've drawn myself more times for how often i think id like a nice picture of myself #but then again its not gonna be so 'nice' if i make it and am not totally happy w it?#see one of the ppl who inspired me to learn to draw is ned @sneez my dearest. he's spoiled me before #and drawn me very beautifully on several occasions and it's very much a thing to move one's heart #to see someone dedicate their talent to depicting YOU.#and i might say HE has made me look more beautiful in art than i think i'll ever look in the flesh #which is not to say he drew me inaccurately. but he's so talented that his art is more beautiful than life.#and i dont compare myself in skill to him bc he's been doing it for YEARS and way more trained than me in the visual arts.#like it simply wouldn't be fair so i only compare myself to myself. naturally #but i used to think. very VAINLY i might say. that if i could draw like him id draw beautiful pictures of myself all the time #well ce n'est pas ca mon ami. since learning to draw i've found im much more interested in drawing ppl i find beautiful #rather than myself. im not art. not through my own eyes at least.#i should really draw ned sometime. i really should.#actually somewhat embarrasingly i tried to draw him like 5 or 6 years ago. and i NEVER tried to draw then #i did show him tho and he thought it was very impressive but that's probably just bc he loves me. xoxox #maybe ill post that someday as a throwback just for the hell of it. lol. thatd be cute

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bunnihearted · 4 months

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📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary

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demonsfate · 5 months

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i either gave myself a concussion or i developed a sinus infection from the cold or both but it's been driving me wild for the past few days.

#✏️ - ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴏsᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏsᴛ // (ooc)#// i can't stim at all without feeling dizzy and sick #// and it sucks 'cos stimming comes as naturally to me as speaking or walking #// i partially think it's a sinus infection #// 'cos i get this real sharp pain shooting thru my face when i sniffle #// plus i get 'toothache' like pains #// as well as my nose still running every now and then and my throat feeling tight & hurting sometimes #// even tho i should be practically better by now #// but another part of me thinks i gave myself brain damage #// because my eyes have been acting weird - and often seeing a trail behind things in motion #// and that was happening before i was sick #// but i never noticed dizziness or headaches/brain fog UNTIL AFTER i was sick...#// and it happened when i was gently swaying rather than hard rocking #// so i dunno what it could be #// i'll have to wait until monday before i can make an appointment with the doc :(

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gxlden-angels · 1 year

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Told my religious trauma coach that my gender is "a 1930's orphan boy selling newspapers" I think I might have to go back to Jesus after this one lads

#/j #We had a good talk about how christianity doesn't have genders it has jobs #And how I wanted agency but feel like I have to fully be a Man to avoid being punished by the current legislature being passed #I feel more dysphoric and part of it stems from feeling like I'm being observed again like I was as a little girl #Being told that people would be looking at my body and it was my job to make it acceptable to others #Now I'm transmasc so there's a weird pressure to become Manly Man Now or else I'll be stuck #Maybe I can relax but first I need top surgery and 3 years of T (i'm at 2.5 years and have a consultation call)#Then I can enjoy gender. Then Im free #But I can't because I'm not a man either. Ill feel better with top surgery and whatnot but I don't feel solidly male #Ill just be restraining myself and observed from the other side #Anyways I was saying I wanted my gender to be personal and abstract #but I used this phrase as an example and think this might be it I'm gonna have to give up my other 5 sessions /j #I called myself a golden retriever and a newspaper orphan boy I can never show my face again #ex christian #religious trauma

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youremyonlyhope · 14 days

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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

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keeps-ache · 16 days

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DARN, missed it again! 2nd anniversary of being a they/themer :D

#just me hi #i should cue a post for next year cuz i just Keep missing it hfhsv #cool though!! two years of queer yeah babyyy #i now have it/its but they/them was where i started hehe :>#i've considered neos but you know i think they'd be a bit much for me lol #character customization Truly #//i am NOT missing this blog's birthday. proooollyyyy hghfsh #these aren't such huge things but i like to know things have happened hfsh :3 #these are two things i really only celebrate on here so i've just Gotta say it :33 #//anyway i've been listening to the radio a lot (did i say that? i think i told you that some weeks ago lmao) and it's Funnn (mostlyyy) :D #yes they play the same 15 songs over and over and i'm starting to learn all the words to even the most unremarkable ones but that's part of #the Fun :DD #been listening to it because once in a while they play a song i already have in my playlist (yayy !!) or a song that i like (which then goe #in the Playlist (yayy !!)) that and it supplies a background track to whatever i'm talking about with my siblings which is funny at times #/imagine. you've slipped up. a secret of another's you were never supposed to know was mentioned by accident. so instead of #trying to excuse yourself from guilt you admit to knowing even More. the person you're speaking to is betrayed confused and overall upset.#and you're trying to get in contact with a ghost to give you pointers. it's not great. in the background Lovin On Me is playing #that's how our games have been going hfhsvhf #/i let them play in the plots of my stories sometimes and it's So Ridiculous Dude #i've had to ban specific organs from their characters because they were being wretched little beings. it Was funny though i'll not deny hfh #they've tormented shye + weirded out oath + killed and been killed many times #there were a couple times i saw genuine horror on their faces and i am living on that i'm ngl hfhsvbhs #like the horse thing! it would take a sec to explain so i won't go into it but oh i hurt myself laughing Lolll (it was dark but it was stil #funny hfbvs)#//OH i've gtg now lol --#ciao ciao see you somewhere later from now !! :D

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terroristiraqi · 21 days

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ok everyone there's progress (him still adding songs to our playlist is pitiful and doesn't make me sad)

#i know there is no way he'll ever like. reflect and think he was wrong #also like. ariana grande? fr? 💀 let's be serious #obviously i wasn't perfect either but at least i damn well tried 💀💀💀#im so sorry you thought i would [checks notes] cheat on you bc u saw someone get cheated on at work. do you know who i am #im having funnnn im staying silly ...... such a sisyphian task though. EVERY DAY #no but like fr how did leyli not slap me through the phone ... give me that swana mom treatment #also. I HATE FACE CALLS!!! I HATE THEM SO BAD!!! esp since he never showed his face but would make me show mine 🙄#like they're bad quality most of the time and u barely even talk ... once he was like 'ik ur sad and u want me to talk-#but i just dont do that'#when i tell u i wanted to grab him through the phone and kill him. WHEN I TELL YOU.#like im so sorry i have to do the work of distracting myself when im sad? lmfao? hello?#ALHAMDULLILAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM DONE!!!!!!!!#won't complain if i find a cute gym fling i'll take all his money 🎀💞 OR HER .... feminism win

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suncaptor · 25 days

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there's something specifically inside my head that is closing up that makes trusting anything so hard. i have to manually keep my mind open to the potential of anything being significant. i am so used to things being bad and things hurting and things not working and being powerless that it takes an exorbitant amount of mental energy to make sure I don't let myself shut down possibility. and I do it because I never want a certainty inside of me besides love to rule anything. but I want my brain elastic again. i want it open like breathing. it doesn't erase the unfairness or the critique or any of the bitter-built philosophy.