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wrdn-tabris · 8 months

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a little life update :-)

(pls help i need advice)

i have this friend. two friends actually. i went to visit them recently (june)

friend 1, lets call her cat had asked friend two, lets call her bee, to move down with her. bee agreed. issues immediately started. bee was off her meds and didnt want to get back on them, and started picking fights with cat, treating her badly and etc bc thats what bee used to do when she still lived with her mom. pick fights when her mood dropped and get into screaming matches (tho its not like her mom didnt also pick fights with her)

cats telling me abt this at this time and i feel bad bc i feel like i wasnt being a good friend mostly bc i didnt have the energy to hear abt how terrible it was going for her. i was going thru a lot when it started which isnt her fault or my fault, but i feel bad for not being more supportive. so cat stopped telling me abt it, bc i didnt know what to do or how to fix things. i thought stuff resolved itself but i went and visited and it hasnt. really.

so i arrive. bee doesnt come with cat to pick me up, which, ok disappointing but i understood she was tired. she didnt come to eat with us either. which also sad

next day cat asks for some rent money to get herself lunch, bc she forgot to make smth to eat before leaving and cat couldnt and wouldnt give their rent money so she could get lunch. so she asked us to bring her lunch from mcdonalds if she ordered somthing bc she had points on the app, and we had to decide tht if we are driving tht far out to where she works we might as well do something over there. cat asks if we should invite her partner with us and i agreed bc i wanted to meet him. we go to pick up her lunch, she asks me to buy her something rather than ordering smth off the app, which, feels :/ to assume ill just buy it for her. i would have if she asked but she just sent me her order. mybe an asshole move of my to say 'uhhh sure if ur able to order it off the app???'

get the food, fight thru traffic to get to her, have to fight thru parking traffic to get out of where she works. we end up visiting this old military fort and hang out for a few hours and when we come back we think bee is asleep. its like. 7:30? 8:00?

so i try to inflate the blow up bed i got for them to use for when they have other guests sleep over and me and cats bf wake her up while im trying to figure out how to work it so she comes out and snaps at us. i apologize for being loud, promise to be quieter but im inflating the air mattress so i might be loud for a few minutes. the ENTIRE time im inflating it shes standing there arms crossed glaring at us and clearing her throat the entire time. and maybe its just me but??? i find that to be a little fucking rude tbqh. me and the bf are guests and its making me feel unwelcome and regretting the money i spent to come visit her. anyways cat comes out from the bathroom bc bee is still there clearing her throat with her arms crossed even after i finished fixing up the air mattress, and its quiet as hell bc me and bf are both uncomfy. cat gets mad and upset bc were guests in their home and she shouldnt be treating her like tht. shes upset we woke her up but surprise surprise shes even MORE upset i met cats partner before hers bc she wanted it to all be 'together' even tho i agreed to meet bf bc i did! want to meet him! and that we went to the fort without her.

anyways.

i apologize to her abt that bc i wanted to meet him but shes like 'no cat knew i wanted to do this thing' which fair.

the rest of the week goes ok. i get to meet her partner and theyre so nice and funny and i was super excited to meet them. we hit off great. we get lunch with one of cats friends, bee remarks abt 'oh i used to get so upset abt ppl being happier than me, enjoyed making ppl unhappy and would go out of my way to do so, bc i didnt like that they were happy and i wasnt' i buy bee a present for her birthday and u kno week ends i go home, and turns out bees partner comes out to her abt some things and bee freaks out, gets super upset and reacts really poorly. starts crying and going off abt being betrayed and etc.

turns out partner breaks up with her the next day bc they were uncomfortable with the reaction and then she starts crying and going off again abt feeling betrayed and upset and wanting to kill herself and tht they told her they loved her and would never leave and etc etc etc amongst other 'its not faiiiir' reactions. i still hold the opinion she was upset bc they broke up with her first.

cat calls her out for her behavior and that shes saying some very inappropriate things and tht ex isnt an awful person. bee ends up demanding all the gifts she gave ex back and wanted to know what ex would be doing with special gifts they got her before they both broke up.

i honestly end up quite. disgusted? with her behavior bc any time she broke up with someone while she lived separately from cat, shed ghost us and wed only get her side of the story. cat all but ends up moving in with her partner bc bee refuses to clean up after herself and keeps making a mess of things and its just a bad living situation.

cat tells bee tht shes not thinking of renewing their lease at the end of the year bc she cant handle living like this and bee lashes out. ends up making a mess of their kitchen and breaking some of cats things.

she also uses special non stick stuff of cats and uses metal on it (which ur not supposed to do) and keeps using cats own dishes and dishes she got from her grandma and doesnt clean them or anything.

my thing is. i dont know what to do. i kinda wanna stop our friendship bc im upset at how shes treating our other mutual friend. but i dont know if i should talk to her bc ive asked cat if i should try and talk to her to get her to see tht shes not being a good friend and cats told me not to, mostly bc she refuses to see shes wrong. im leaning towards wanting to follow her advice bc she has been living with bee but also it feels so scummy not to say anything esp when i know shes going to be going thru a difficult time in the next few months. however if i talk to her, i dont want to cause her to lash out at bee or have any of her things that are still at their apartment broken bc bees already proven to lash out and break other peoples things when shes upset at them, and i dont want to make it any worse for her.

bee would tend to ghost us when she was stll living with her mother, so much so tht we wouldnt hear from her for weeks or months, esp when she was feeling bad. i would try to reach out to her just to make sure she was fucking alive lmao. im worried if i were to reach out and ask abt all this and end with our friendship splitting off, shed do something drastic like hurt herself. i want to reach out and try to salvage what i feel is a dissolving friendship but i also dont want to be friends with this type of person unless shes worked on herself. i still love and care for her but like i know who i would stick by if i had to which... feels bad to say and sucks but th fact is i am closer with cat, mostly bc when bee would ghost us me and cat would still talk and we have more in common.

i want to talk and ask her why she would do and say these things and treat ppl she loves like this but ive been told not to but it would feel wrong not to at least. reach out. i dont know what to do.

AITA?

#cara speaks #the aita at the end is a joke but genuinely #i dont know what to do here #pls dont feel. obligated to respond to this or give advice i just do not know what to do

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samuyed · 4 years

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🐡

#so i tried to make a new fb convo about another family photoshoot im doing this weekend #and it does a weird thing where it disappears on me so i went scrolling through past convos to see if it maybe dropped to the bottom #or something and wow conversations from 2012 2015 wowow i hope my speakin talkin skills are better and less obnoxious #probably not i talk in my tags like im talking to ppl #anyways point is i found one of the only convos i had with my first serious ex #and man i remember first reading that message and being pissed because although my ex had given me a necklace #she wanted me to mail it back but i had hella mail anxiety for multiple reasons #plus i was still like 16 at the time and dealing with a homophobe mother and didnt want her to keep questioning me on why i was sending mail #to my ex that she knew and actively was trying to limit my communication with in the past #so i just didnt do it for years out of fear and not because i necessarily wanted to keep it #and then after like 3 years of me not replying to her messages my ex was finally like heres my new address. im still expecting it back #and i was so done and finally emotionally distanced from that situation that out of spite in a way i finally mailed back the fucking thing #and never talked to her again #so yeah that all flooded back again and for the first time in literally 7 years #i thought about reaching out which i know sounds suss cause shes my ex but thats not even it lol it was an awful relationship plus i was #13 when we started dating and then i had to cut it off when i was 17 cause it was bad bad bad bad and i know that it would never work out #even if we both changed a bunch she had a ton of mental health issues that no 13 yo should be expected to help carry with no support of my o #but yeah i was being a prick and slithering around her profile a bit to see that she went to business school and says that she had/is major #ing in social work interestingly which you know i wouldnt say wouldnt fit her its just surprising and a coincidence with where my life is #but yeah good for her i hope shes in a better place but especially because if she plans on being a sw shes gotta deal with her own shit #before helping others because wow :) ive had too many first and second hand experiences with students and even licensed professionals lol #but anyways this kind of came out of nowhere and i need yall to convince me to not strike up a conversation because i want to see if shes #changed and matured but i also dont want to get involved in anything fucking dumb and go back to being a toxic 15 yo you know

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grxceblqckthxrn · 4 years

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hi @chocolatecarstairs came up with these post-CHOG questions and i really want to answer them because im sad that im finished reading it :((

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW

what was your favorite part, 1 or 2?

Honestly I loved both parts, but I’d say I loved part two just a little bit more for the time that James wasn’t under the curse anymore and LOVED Cordelia

which scene in the book was your favorite?

EVERY scene that had Matthew and James being wholesome parabatai in it!!! my favourite chapter in this book was Blue Ruin, the one after Grace takes the bracelet back from James (aside from the whispering room ofc).

what scene (or scenes) made you cry the most?

ok ngl i didnt spend much of this book crying, but the only scene that actually made me tear up was when james was dying and matthew could feel it and jesse (WHO I FUCKING LOVED MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD) gave him his last breath :(((((

what scenes were unsatisfactory?

there were not enough Christopher scenes (but to be fair, even if the entire book was just Christopher it still wouldnt be enough for me)

but fr, i cant think of any off the top of my head but i’ll edit this if i do later

what made you laugh the most?

matthew!! james!! thomas!! christopher!! also some of the things Jesse said

what bored you?

this wasn’t boring, but the whole charles/alastair plot line didn’t have me very invested. I did love the alastair/ cordelia scenes tho, so it was just charles that was the problem

also no offense to james bc he was my first actual fictional crush after reading TMH/NBS but like whenever he talked about being in grace i would literally zone out lol the bracelet curse makes him so boring but whenever he isnt in the curse/ is with someone who is NOT grace i just!! love him!!

what disappointed you?

cassie honestly had me kinda shipping matthew/cordelia for a solid FIVE SECONDS there when he stepped in to dance with her after james left her standing there, but that was one of the only scenes that made me feel like they had natural chemistry (along with the scene where he drops her off at her house). I felt like the during the rest of their interactions in the book, cordelia was kind of uncomfortable, which made me really sad because even tho she has every right to feel that way, i felt bad for matthew. I kind of want him to fall for someone else completely and for it to be reciprocated. also, i just really want for matthew and cordelia to become good friends because i feel like they could have such great natural chemistry if matthew didnt love her.

what is the top thing you wish had been done differently?

see above.

what things did you predict that came true?

JAMES BURNING DOWN BLACKTHORN MANOR I FUCKING SAID HE WOULD DO IT TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO IF YALL WANT ME TO LINK THE THEORY LMK

what are some things that were really unexpected?

ok there’s quite a few things here so bear w me babes:

- James genuinely loving cordelia from the start. I wasn’t expecting him to naturally feel nothing for grace at all, so i was expecting a slow burn jordelia, but finding out that he actually loves her makes me so happy but the end where cordelia thinks he was just pretending breaks my heart :(((

-matthew liking cordelia lol definitely was not expecting another parabatai love triangle but i hope it doesnt last. i do think it adds to the plot and i love it, it just hurts to see matthew so emo :(((

-I was expecting to like cordelia as a character, but i ended up LOVING her so fucking much???? she’s so three dimensional to me, and it’s interesting to see how her personality adapts around different characters as people adapt around different social circles irl

-liking jesse as much as i did

-ok so james’ entire character was a surprise to me. it’s so fascinating to see how the bracelet actually affected his personality.If you recall him in The Midnight Heir from TBC. he’s like an entirely different person. i still loved him in TMH but i went into CHOG thinking that if he was gonna be like that the entire time i’d probably get over him really quickly. i was pleasantly surprised by how much i ended up loving him even more tho

-i didn’t expect oliver hayward to die and im going to stay emo about it

- Christopher is so much more clear headed than he was made out to be prior?? like there were so many scenes where he was fully there and when he defended anna to alastair i just kfdsnfkld i love him

are there characters that you didn’t like before that you like now?

yikes umm... Alastair, maybe? he’s somewhat okay to me now, I dont dislike him as much as I used to. ooh and Hypatia Vex. the only scene i remember liking her in QOAAD was when she helped out kit, ty and dru (me, going a whole TSC post without somehow mentioning kit? not possible)

are there characters that you liked before that you don’t like now?

I started CHOG ready to give Grace the benefit of the doubt, and I was surprised by how timid and shy she seemed at the start, but it was interesting to see how it was all an act and how she doesn’t have an actual personality yet. one could argue that she actually does love james, but i doubt it at this point. i dont hate her yet, even tho she IS fucking up james’ life, but she’s on thin fucking ice.

who was your favorite new character?

does new character mean completely new or just never been in a novella new? because for the first, it would be Cordelia (i LOVE her sm!!) and other wise it would be james, matthew and co. also!!! jesse!!

what places in the book would you like to visit?

that hell dimension sounds pretty lit ngl

did you like the ending?

ok so. we KNOW that jordelia is gonna be endgame. cassandra clare always takes the hardest path to get there, but when has she not delivered? it’s just a matter of waiting. so, yes, i did like the ending in sense of the plot because it was a great twist, but i also feel really bad for all of them even tho ik they’re eventually gonna be together :(((

what did you think of the epilogue?

i wasnt surprised, since we alr know that Tatiana is shady asf, but i just really wanna know how she partnered up with a GREATER demon like lol wtf. again, im really happy in terms of plot with this

what are your thoughts on the engagement?

i feel so. fucking bad. for cordelia. and james too, even tho he’s under the bracelet’s curse so he doesnt even KNOW he’s being manipulated. but i love how even through the curse, james still loves cordelia in his own way.

what did you want to see that didn’t happen?

matthew getting therapy periodt

umm honestly i just want more “merry thieves” content like i just love. all of them.

what do you wish had been resolved that wasn’t?

i really want matthew to tell james or cordelia what happened because i just need him to be loved and supported lol i want to give him a hug.

what is your favorite pairing as of now?

jordelia!!! and lucie and jesse are kind cute rn, and i like them if theyre gonna be pining after eachother but i feel like if they actually get together i wont like the relationship as much.

which characters would you like to see more of in the next book?

CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER

ANNA!!! i lovED reading about her she’s so badass

matthew!! jesse!! also i wanna see more of those bitchy girls lol just so we can see anna or cordelia tell them to stfu

what is one character whose death you would undo if you could?

ok i know that jesse is still very much a conscious character despite being dead but like,,, i want him to be the way he was before and also i want him to come back to life

and barbara!! she seemed so sweet

which characters got bad/unsatisfactory endings?

ummm barbara? i cant really say much on this yet bc its still only the first book and when has the first book ever ended up with anyone being happy.

oh but also can we sign a petition to make cassie let matthew actually survive the series because my heart aches just at the THOUGHT of eventually having to read a scene where he dies

which characters got what they deserved?

literally. none of them yet. :(

who should have died but didn’t?

Tatiana lol also lowkey charles but i also feel pity him to an extent

what plotline are you most excited to see in the next book?

okay the entire jesse plot has me hooked because i LOVE his character. also i love the bracelet plot but its making me MAD because i just want james to be happy but

what is one scene that you wish hadn’t happened, but you know was unavoidable?

THE ONE WHERE GRACE PUTS THE BRACELET BACK ON JAMES. i mean obv there was no way he was completely done with grace, but i literally got so sad at that part like why HIM of all people smfh let him be happy

which pairing do you like the least?

alastair x charles, grace x james, lucie x matthew bc neither of them actually like either imo lol

what are some theories you have for chain of iron?

- not necessarily for COI but i think matthew is gonna get exiled and turned into made into a mundane

- the bracelet will break (?)

- jesse will come back to life (like actual life) at the end of the book

-grace is gonna do something to help the main characters, making it hard for us to hate her.

what characters do you think should have gotten more plot time?

lol are yall gonna hate me if i say christopher again (also anna)

anyways this was really fun!!!!! PLEASE ASK ME STUFF ABOUT MY OPINIONS AND STUFF OR JUST SAY ANYTHING ABT THE BOOK BC IM DESPERATE TO TALK TO PPL ABOUT IT

#chain of gold spoilers #chain of gold #james herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #Matthew Fairchild #lucie herondale #anna lightwood #thomas lightwood #alastair carstairs #charles fairchild #christopher lightwood #grace blackthorn #jesse blackthorn #tatiana blackthorn #the last hours #tlh #cassandra clare #the last hours spoilers #chog spoilers

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creepypastashavecomittedtaxfraud · 5 years

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Hi!! if requests are still open, id love to see jane, jack and toby w a s/o whos kinda an eldritch terror. Like, mostly human looking, but w some uncanny valley thing, probably w a “true form” or w/e thats got a bunch of teeth and eyes and arms n all that good stuff. Bonus points if s/o eats ppl :)

oh helll yeahhhh i dig this request u got it!! janes section is for x girl or nb reader since she’s a canon lesbian though oki ^_^ jack and toby r gender neutral though like my other scenarios and hc pieces

Also sorry this kinda turned more into like a meeting/reaction to that turns into being s/o’s post i hope u still like it!!

jane:

Definitely not the first time she’s seen someone like you down here so it doesn’t phase her, its not like she’s totally human looking either haha,

she does take a certain interest in you right away though. but she tries not to stare cuz thats rude (she’ll definitely try to start a convo with you though!! She’s drawn to anyone she thinks looks as cool as her) but despite her efforts to keep it cool you probably notice right away how much attention she gives to you, the non-invasive but genuine questions

when you first show off your true form, she is...Very impressed to say the least hehehe, expresses her admiration while maintaining her cool collected demeanor but on the inside her interest only grows, and the pre-existing soft spot for you only gets that much softer. (won her over with the cool eldrich horror stuff)

Thinks you’re just lovely, in ‘normal’ or true form, privately cant help but be a tiny bit curious about the details of your appearance !! You might catch her staring at your big teeth or getting lost in those multiple eyes sometimes💕💕💕, and if you invite her in for a closer look she’ll take it! Finds you so very endearing, a real testament to the wonders and joys of living in the underworld :’)

She’s usually the strong stoic-y one in relationships, but something about your uncanny horrifying appearance just tugs at her heart, scoop her up in your multiple arms and give her a hug and a kiss and she’ll go so soft just for you 💕💕💕💕💕

Doesn’t mind the people eating thing, finds it kind of funny how years ago it made her so uncomfortable but now it’s just whatever. Whatever makes you happy!

even if you’re a powerful eldritch horror she wants to be so strong for you and impress you, and talks semi-jokingly about protecting you, no matter how powerful you are you’re still her sweetheart 💕 💕💕And she thinks you two are quite cool and good together, true form or not! The uncanny vaguely not-human look suits the both of you well,

She’s very sweet with you , and treats you very tenderly despite your terror being status, gently runs her hand over your cheek, frequently peppers your cute monster-y self with kisses,

Jack:

oh FINALLY . SOMEONE WHO’S FREAKY LIKE HE IS!!!!!!!

immediately very drawn to you, whether you’re a ‘demon’ as well technically speaking or not, finds a lot of solidarity with you. From the weird and uncanny appearance to the people eating thing

Is a little reserved at first just by nature but definitely wants to get to know you...and once you two start talking for real, he’s smitten💘. sorry if its corny but it feels like he’s got someone who like...understands him. since moving here he’s been around mostly humans, and it can feel weird or isolating sometimes is all....

Will try to win you over by sharing food, he hopes you like organs too!! And if you prefer something else, he’ll go out of his way to start collecting that just for you while he’s out

When it’s just the two of you hanging out you can probably just chill in your true form. He doesn’t really have one himself but he feels more comfortable with the inhuman parts of himself around you. His demonic distorted tint to his voice slips in a bit more, he straightens his posture out more to his full 6′ 9′’ height, laughs a little louder letting his rows of freaky demon teeth show up better, keeps his mask off around you, little things like that. Doesn’t feel like he has to worry about scaring anyone or having to be more human-y to fit in when he’s with you

probably one of those close couples who are around each other all the time, finish each others sentences, whats-with-their-weird-mental-link situations. “It’s an inhuman monster thing u wouldnt understand”

You’re still by far more inhuman than him in your true form, you seem really powerful and are just...so cool ... 💕💕💕he realllyyy likes you

Toby:

The first time he sees you he’s mostly just, curious. Wants to know “what your deal is” to put it in a way. Not in a mean way, but he’s still super human, so more inhuman seeming people just make him feel curious yknow!

If you pay attention you’ll probably catch him staring at you from around corners or from other rooms. Maybe you’ll think its annoying, maybe you’ll think its funny, depends

You two should talk ! He’s nice of course, doesn’t even ask any rude questions! At first. But eventually he finally just asks out right “So...Are you like a uhhhh human?”. Now would be a great time to unveil your true form!

“WOAH!!!!!!!”

probably drops his drink, and stares at you wide eyed not out of fear but it’s surprising!.... and fucking COOL. and kind of....hot

Asks nicely if he can see your teeth up close a lot. not only are they awesome looking but its kind of just an excuse to get all up close to your face...Which only feeds into his new crush on you haha

Thinks you must be really strong with all those arms of yours...Asks to be picked up, which whether you actually can or not is up to you

His crush is so obvious no lie. Very flirty and always asking you to show off your cool true form and whatever powers you might have, and always has such a blush on his face too. Might as well just kiss the poor guy already!! He might faint though and you’ll have to catch him in those many arms of yours

youre very very cute together, its a sweet dynamic💕cute human guy who’s all affectionate and very pda and sweet paired with you: a very strange and uncanny not-human who has that distinct horror-y creature aura even in your human-y form . But he loves you so much, you’re his perfect horror inhuman cutie 💕💕💕

oh and about the people eating thing- not a problem. wouldn’t be his first time around someone who does that. often jokes about letting u eat one of his limbs if you got hungry since he cant feel it anyway LOL

#long post #AUGH I WENT WAY TOO INTO THIS IM SORRY FOR THE LONG READ #I JUST REALLY ENJOYED THIS PROMPT #HOPE YOU LIKE!!#jane the killer x reader #eyeless jack x reader #ticci toby x reader #creepypasta x reader #Anonymous

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

#my bucket list.....see rn i’d like to see love simon. i’d like to finish this worthless bad fic thats only valuable for how long ive been #working on it....you’d think i’dve thrown it out but i didnt. just like to finish that up at least #but even the things i’d halfheartedly kinda like to do.....eh i dont really care that much #you cant care all that much when you know its not gonna happen to you yanno #long post //

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wannasoftimagine · 7 years

Text

park jihoon as your older friend

(( AS REQUESTED! // jihoon scenario where you're 2 years younger than him so you think he only sees you as a little sister but he confesses to you when he thinks you're gonna date someone else bc he's scared of losing you??? this is lowkey rly specific but THANK YOU!!! ))

ure used to hearing ppl talk abt how young jihoon is, and how hes so so so cute

of course, u agree with him

everyone does tbh

still, it makes u feel a little upset bc it seems like everyone who says those things are older than him, with jobs and life experience and history and Fancy Stuff like tht

so compared to them, u feel like a toddler

even tho ure only 2 yrs younger than jihoon, it feels like theres 100 yrs between u

it doesnt help tht jihoon is always going on radio shows and reality programs, acting cute whenever someone older so much as looks his way

still

u know u should prob just feel grateful tht ure close friends, since most ppl dont even get tht far

but sometimes u wonder if itd be better if u werent close, bc now he only sees u as a little sibling to take care of

u wish u could say it wasnt true, but everything he does is exactly like an older brother

he dotes on u and watches over u, but instead of acting like a caring boyfriend, he just seems like someone babysitting his little sibling and u haTE IT

ure not even sure how long uve liked him romantically, but its like whenever u remember how he used to treat u even when u first met, ure stuck thinking abt how he mustve seen u

after all, who can look at a kid tht used to cry whenever their parents went to work and go “oh yeah theyre cute i like them a lot” ???

not jihoon

esp when hes already way out of ur league to begin with

as u get older, ur feelings for jihoon dont completely fade

there r times when theyre easier to ignore, sure, but its impossible to think tht theyre actually gone

whenever u guys make eye contact over dinner at a fast food restaurant, he beams at u in a way tht cant possibly be taken as platonic

ur heart is beating way too fast for u to lie to urself

anyways

u try and move on by befriending other ppl and even trying to date some other ppl

of course tht rlly doesnt work out

u turn down almost anyone tht u could possibly go out with, and even when ur friends try and set u up with other ppl, u can never make it past the first blind date

(ure too busy comparing the strangers to jihoon and watching them all fall short)

u mention some of the blind dates to jihoon

at first its bc ure hoping he’ll get jealous and confess

but as more time goes on, hes still just as supportive in his answers, and u realize tht theres no use in hoping when he clearly doesnt feel the same way

then a new guy transfers to ur school, and hes vaguely attractive and smart and funny and u get along well enough

he asks u out after school one day, and ure like why not? so u accept a first date bc u might as well give it a shot

its the first date tht ure on where u try not to think so much abt jihoon

it works for the most part, but u still find ur mind drifting off and wondering what jihoons up to

when the guy excuses himself to take a phone call from one of his friends, u manage to text jihoon to check up on him

u banter back and forth, and u cant help the way ure grinning down at ur phone with every text he sends u

at some point he asks where u are, and u realize wHOOPS guess who didnt tell jihoon tht u were having a date tonight

...

cmon dude whats up w that

anyways so u explain to him tht ure on a date w the new guy in ur class

and jihoons response is surprisingly short and clipped

its just a quick “oh” and ure like “???” bc hes never responded quite like tht before

so u ask him if smthns up

u see the typing bubble appear and disappear, appear and disappear, and so on

eventually it just disappears completely and he doesnt start typing again and ure even more confused than u were before

after what seems like forever, he texts u to ask if ure having a good time

u tell him tht u think u are

honestly tho, ure not too sure bc now its impossible for u to think of anything other than him

the guy comes back with an apology and a smile, and ure forced to tuck ur phone away and try not to be too obviously distracted for the rest of the evening

tht proves to be WAY TOO HARD

the entire night ure picking apart the way the guy cuts his food (jihoon looks cute doing literally anything), how he gives u a smile when u meet eyes (it doesnt look as genuine and bright as jihoons), how jihoon wouldnt even take u to a restaurant like this (u both feel more comfortable somewhere lowkey and relaxed)

if the guy notices, he doesnt say anything

at the end, he just drops u off back at ur home and tells u he had a nice time, and “maybe we could do this again?”

all u can do is choke out a “maybe” in response before ure hurrying inside and scrambling to check ur phone

jihoon hasnt rlly texted u since u last checked, and u can feel ur heart drop a little in its chest

u send him a quick msg, asking what hes up to and if he wants to facetime or smthn bc ure done with the date, and hes quick to agree

right before u call him, u see his text saying tht “i need to talk to u abt smtn too so its good timing”

ure freaking out a little bc maybe hes going to tell u abt his own s/o now tht uve told him abt ur date and u can feel ur hands shaking as the connection loads

once ure in ur room, u manage to make out his tired (but still glowing) features on ur phone screen

u greet each other with half-stilted questions, and u cant help but wonder why ure both so awkward w each other

i mean. obv u know why u are

but ure like ? why is HE acting so weird

and after a few more moments of tense silence, u finally ask him what he wanted to talk abt

somehow even thru the phone screen u can see his face turn bright red

and u would think abt how cute it was if u werent also thinking tht u mustve been right, hes dating someone else, and u can feel ur eyes start to well up w tears bc uve always known tht he didnt like u back, but this time its so painfully obvious

thts when he clears his throat like “um,, y/n,,,, we’ve known each other for awhile and i kno ure kinda young but,,,,,,”

and somehow he hasnt noticed tht ure having a mental breakdown as he gets closer and closer to saying what he wanted to tell u

“anyways y/n,,, i rlly like u so please dont go out w that guy again and mb go out w me instead??”

which. WHAT

ure literally shellshocked and hes trying to explain on the other end like “i mean u dont have to if u dont want to i just wanted to tell u and-”

its honestly precious tbh

u barely manage to cut him off but ure still a mess of emotions so u cant rlly talk properly

ure pretty sure tht u end up saying the equivalent of a keyboard smash,,,

he quiets down tho, and as ure trying to figure out want u want to say, he just looks at u w this rlly cute earnest expression and ur heart MELTS

eventually u manage to choke out tht u like him and now its his turn to get surprised

“WAIT ARE U SERIOUS”

he whisper-screams the whole thing, bc he doesnt want to actually scream and hurt ur ears but hes still freaking out and cant contain everything hes feeling

all u can do is nod and grin into ur hands and hes like “uGH now i wish i could tell u in person” but hes acting all soft and shy and tbh u dont think either of u could handle it if u were in the same room right now

still

ure both blushing and giggling and u feel so so relieved its kinda embarrassing

but he manages to cough out tht he’s rlly rlly happy tht u like him too, and “lets meet up soon? please?”

and who are u to deny him smthn like tht

(esp when uve been dreaming abt going on a date w him since forever ago)

eventually u have to end the call

but u both go to sleep that night with ur phones nearby, smiling even as u drift off to sleep

#requested #jihoon #wanna one #wanna one imagine #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenarios #wanna one scenario #park jihoon #park jihoon imagines #jihoon imagines #park jihoon scenarios #jihoon scenarios

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