#i would drop dead if brennan lee mulligan shows up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jq37 · 4 years

Text

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 5

The One With Garthy O’ Brien

Welcome back you guys and a special shoutout to all of y’all who are fans of FH and CritRole. I don’t know about you but Matt and Brennan basically shaved a full year off of my life between Wednesday and Thursday with their DM machinations. Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that, but we can at least tackle the FH stuff so let’s jump right in.

Last we left off, the gang had just arrived at the floating pirate city of Leviathan. Pirates immediately start hauling them in and everyone turns to Fabian for a cue on how to react (at the exact same time, hilariously). Fabian tells them all to be mean and he makes a pirate cry immediately. Wild.

They meet Jemina Joy who is a very cool Warforged (living automaton) pirate and also the boatswain of the city (pronounced “bosun”, they’re the boss of the crew and all the stuff on the boat, I was very into Monkey Island as a kid). One of her arms is a cannon and I need you to know that. Anyway, Fabian name drops his dad to try and get them some respect. It goes pretty OK but not as well as Adaine simply pointing out Cathilda’s presence. Jemina fully takes the knee and calls her, “Cathilda the Black, Terror of the Celestine Sea.” Fig helps Cathilda disguise herself so she doesn’t draw any unnecessary attention. Despite the clout, Jemina still says she’s seizing the boat (it seems like they do this to get materials to keep the city afloat). Fig tries to move her with the power of rock because of course. She hits at 23 on a 20 DC check for that because of course.

While she’s doing that nonsense, Adaine and Riz are--as always--trying to keep the party alive. Riz rolls a high perception check and noticed a pretty boy tiefling watching Fabian looking all hero worshippy.

Thoroughly swayed between the name dropping and the rock and roll and the Cathilda of it all, Jemina offers to let them buy the Van-Boat back. Fabian, as always, is ready to throw any amount of cash at the problem and Adaine, as always, is trying to be responsible with their cash. After a hilariously long sidebar (which includes Fig, who introduced herself as a very famous rock star, saying they should “Act the part of the pauper,” which is a wild turn of phrase to just drop out of nowhere) the tiefling from before shows up and pays for the Van for them. He introduces himself as Alistair Ash and tells them that he paid with rocks magick’d to look like gold for ten minutes so they better book it. They have another long sidebar about whether they should pay or not with Adaine and wildly Fig on the side and of paying. They pay and Alistair agrees to take them to see Garthy O ’Brien (the pirate Bill had been dealing with).

On the way to see Garthy, the gang finds out that Allister is a warlock, his patron being none other than the damned madman himself--Bill Seacaster. Hilariously, Bill doesn’t take his charges souls. He makes them do microtransactions for their spells and recruit others like it’s a pyramid scheme. I don’t know what he’s gonna do will gold in HELL but it is on brand, I’ll give him that.

A random dwarf calls Riz a slur so Fig and Kristen get him to jump to his death by turning into him and telling him he’s been dead for ten years, respectively.

Normal D&D stuff.

Anyway, they make it to the Golden Gardens which is Garthy O’ Brien’s casino/brothel/resort (“Pirate Moulin Rogue” is how Brennan described it) and we learn that Brennan specifically made this character to F with the chat because they are this beefcake, non-binary, aasimar/half-orc, tatted-up, succubus. My chat is usually on like a couple of seconds lag and I could have timed exactly how long the lag was by glancing over and counting off the seconds until the horned up comments started flooding in. You knew exactly what you were doing here Mr. Lee Mulligan.

Garthy invites them in for drinks, drugs, and use of the facilities where Kristen accidentally takes the drink of a mindflayer (think, humanoid Cthulhu-monster). He’s James Whitlaw, Captain of the Crimson Claw and enemy of Bill Seacaster. The group tries to smooth things over but Fabian Sparta kicks him in the chest after he drags Bill. There’s a bit of a tousle but Garthy shuts that down before it can get out of hand.

Post fight, the group questions Garthy and here are the highlights of that discussion:

They were supplying Bill with Palimpsests. Doing dead drops like the group assumed.

The last time they were at the hotel, they got told by the new staff (ie: the demons in disguise) that Bill wasn’t coming and when Garthy wouldn’t play ball with them, the demons attacked them and took their pouch of gems. Garthy says the demons were probably there to ambush them for their gems. They especially wanted the Sapphire but was useless to them because it already had a Celestial inside of it.

The demons had been summoned and bound to the material plane by someone very powerful.

Garthy doesn’t usually get gems from the Red Waste.

Garthy has heard of the Shadowcat. They can’t see the Shadowcat in the pic (just Pok who they say is cute). Alistair also can’t see Kalina.

Garthy tells Fig that, like they already knew, it would be super hard to break Gorthalax out. It would be hard for them to do, even considering curse breaking is one of their specialties.

The crown of the Nightmare King passed through the Gold Gardens recently, brought by--surprise, surprise--Adaine’s mom. Adaine’s mom was coming in to get a curse broken--one placed on her by the crown. With it broken, she’d be able to handle it more easily. She tricked Garthy into doing it without revealing exactly what the curse was and was kicked out once it was revealed. Garthy’s not sure where she went but they know she was frustrated that she couldn’t just teleport there (because she hadn’t been there before and didn’t have a description of it). She left on a Falinel-bound ship.

Garthy says Gorthalax is likely in a lot of pain in the gem he’s in.

The demons needed the gem for some kind of ritual sacrifice (namely, the one with Riz and Fig).

Also, Kristen is fully drunk for all of this.

Post info-dump, Van-Boat (whose actual name is Zathriel btw, more info from Garthy) mindlinks with Gorgug to tell them that a fight has broken out. Gorgug has the Van drive towards them. The group pays for a suite and then Riz, Fig, and Adaine fly over to the Van (with Tracker following in her spectral wolf form). Riz jumps in the front seat, takes the wheel from Gilear, and commits a ton of vehicular manslaughter. During the fight, Sandra-Lynn gets shot and falls off of Baxter. She almost goes down but Tracker catches and heals her.

They all make it back and proceed to reenact the house party scene from that one John Mulaney sketch (“a bunch of drunk toddlers”). People are getting wasted. People are getting tattoos. People are doing drugs. Kristen is riding Tracker like a horse (the G rated way, tyvm).

Then, uh, something not super chill happens.

Sandra-Lynn gets totally wasted and decides she’s gonna teach Fig (who is a little cagey about if she likes anyone by the by) how to flirt without the use of disguise self and such. She decides she’s gonna demonstrate on Garthy which she does. Successfully. Sandra-Lynn who is in a relationship that is monogamous as her request.

The drunk toddlers are herded into a room by Fig and Kristen. Kristen has Tracker cast the Moon Haven spell on the room and Fig and Adaine go to Garthy’s room to make sure Sandra-Lynn isn’t in trouble or anything. She’s not in trouble (yet) but, based on the way she’s clearly hastily redressed, she’s clearly about to run into some. Fig books it out of there, mortified.

Fig and Adaine lie about where they’ve been to Gilear and then they report back to the group. Tracker--who is pretty out of it at this point--sleepily asks who Sandra-Lynn’s been kissing. Everyone realizes, Oh no, Jawbone is poly but the relationship is supposed to be monogamous. Big yikes. Kristen feeds Tracker a mumbly lie about how Sandra-Lynn is kissing Jawbone that I really hope doesn’t blow up in her face because then it will be the hat trick of main relationships imploding in as many episodes. Kristen and Riz go back to Garthy’s room because Kristen wants to cast something (Detect Good and Evil, the result of which we don’t see this ep--though I feel like it would have to ping Garthy since they have celestial blood, right?) and Kristen notices that someone cast Clairvoyance on her and Riz, meaning someone knows they were outside.

Meanwhile, Fabian sneaks off to Crow’s Keep to be an emo pirate boy and talk to his dad while staring out into the sea. He’s suddenly surrounded by cloaked figures. Brennan rolls a bunch of dice, triggering Lou’s fight-or-flight, before revealing the cloaked dudes are just Alistair and the rest of his warlock friends who are all huge fans of their patron’s son. And we don’t get to find out what, if anything, they want from Fabian until next ep because that’s where Brennan ends the ep.

Detention

Sandra-Lynn for Cheating on Jawbone

OK, there’s a lot to unpack here.

I’ll start by saying we technically don’t know if she went through with it or not since Fig interrupted her before things could very far but we know she got naked which is more than far enough to be a betrayal imo.

And it’s so wild because she for sure could have been in an open relationship. She’s the one who stipulated monogamy.

On the one hand, I appreciate that Brennan is playing these NPCs as human (“human”) and failable and realistic but on the other hand, man I can’t stand cheating. And it’s not like she hasn’t cheated before. That’s, like, a major plot point. But it’s easier to gloss over something that happened a long time ago and we didn’t have to witness in real time.

Like, this isn’t good. It’s not gonna be good for the group. She forced Kristen into a position where she has to lie to/keep secrets from Tracker potentially. Also, Tracker is a wolf. There’s a non-zero chance she’s gonna be able to smell what happened. Do you really want one possibly both of the healers on the team mad at you? And they weren’t just dating They’re LIVING TOGETHER. And not just together. Together with like five--pending six--children (and pending one adult). That’s a lot of people that are gonna get forcible sucked into your drama.

And poor Jawbone. I know he’s a trooper and he’s def been through worse but just because you can deal with something, doesn’t mean you should have to.

Anyway, Adaine said it best: Sandra-Lynn is both more and less cool than I thought she was.

Honor Roll

Riz for His Driving Skills

I couldn’t tell you why but the phrase, “vehicular manslaughter” is so inherently funny to me. Riz hitting a nat 20 to just mow down all the attackers in his path was hilarious.

Note: I also could have given this spot to Garthy but I’m a little ambivalent on all the enabling of awful but hilarious life choices.

Random Thoughts

Adaine trying to blend in by saying ahoy to everyone and getting a tricorner hat from her jacket was so good (big props to everyone who drew that, especially y’all who also gave Boggy a hat). Also, I’m glad she’s been using her jacket more in general so she’ll be more likely to remember it in an emergency.

@jamiebluewind made this really useful post with the descriptions of all the new characters and the tats the Bad Kids got which you can find here.

Also, @ttttttterrence shouted me out during the livestream so I’m returning the gesture. What’s up man!

I like that when the group is discussing how to split the cost of the suite, Fabian is just like, “I got it, don’t worry.” He clearly takes pride in being able to throw money around for his friends.

Fabian, who has for sure seen Cathilda in action during a fight: Maids can’t kill.

Ally’s amused disbelief at the phrase, “Act the part of the pauper,” was sending me.

Adaine: There’s no way you’re an only child.

OK, this isn’t totally related to this ep, it’s more a point about FH in general that I don’t think I’ve brought up yet. How does a fantasy high school work in a world where races age at vastly different rates? Like goblins have a max age of about 60 and reach adulthood at 8. Meanwhile, elves reach physical maturity at the same age as humans but because they live to be like 700+ years old, they’re not considered adults until, like, the age of 100. At first I thought they were ignoring racial aging differences (like I do when I write fantasy I can’t be bothered with the implications usually) but in this and last ep, they were brought up. And I thought it might be that we were saying what everyones’ ages were in human years but, based on the info we’ve heard (like how far back Pok died for example) their ages have to be in normal years. Which brings me to theory 3: everyone ages physically and mentally at the same rate as humans to adulthood and then some races just decline more quickly than others afterwards.

Fig: I sink into a deep depression.

Alistair has an adorable cockney accent and he might be a little bit of a sociopath but let’s put a pin in that until next week. Oh, also, I was so sure he was gonna be Fabian’s brother too, just like half the table.

Brennan so good at adding things in for flavor to make the world cooler. What prompted this comment is him saying that as Tracker travels in spectral wolf form, a forest path appears at her feet briefly. Very cool attention to detail.

Bill running a MLM warlock system where you pay by the spell is so, so funny. I actually am not sure if the MLM aspect of it was planned or if someone (one of the girls I think) said it as a joke and Brennan ran with it but that’s extremely funny.

I know how leveling works in the above-game for balance but, in game, I feel like there’s no reason Bill and Gorthalax shouldn’t give everyone a level of Warlock. That would get them all 2 cantrips (eldritch blast, mage hand, and chill touch are options) and 2 level one spells (charm person, hellish rebuke, and charm person can be clutch).

Speaking of, I almost feel like this episode was setting up Fabian and Gorgug to multiclass. Fabian’s dad being a patron is a prime opportunity for him to get some warlock levels (and it would be very good for his aesthetic. I mean, magic pirate? Hell yeah). And Gorgug later in the episode says something like, “I could fix the van so fast if I had magic.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a level in a caster class soon.

“Did you learn your magic in a book?”/”Yes!”/”Oh, lah-dih-dah. I can read.”

Fig: Adaine is the best at armies!

Forget if I mentioned this before but I’m very pleasantly surprised that Adaine’s mom is such a driving force this season. She’s one of the characters we explored the least last season which was a bummer for me because I really wanted to know what was going on in her head. Looks like we’re close to getting some insight soon. I’m guessing we might have another ep or half ep until we get there unless something else happens to sidetrack the group.

I glossed over it in the actual recap but Fig casting disguise self on herself to look like the dwarf who was picking on Riz was just some peak Emily with an assist from chaos monster Ally. Here’s the scene. What’s funny is I thought I knew what Emily’s thought process was (If he sees himself, he’ll very likely be thrown off his rhythm) but then she was like, “I wanted to be someone from the area and he’s the only guy I’ve met.” Lol, bold of me to assume I have any idea what’s going on in her head.

Adaine and, by extension, Siobhan just casually knows what a forecastle is (it’s “a raised deck at the bow of a ship”). Also, Brennan uses the word susurrous which means “full of whispering sounds”. That’s twice I had to reach for my dictionary (by which I mean Google).

The whole concept of Garthy is extremely cool and I’m specifically talking about race. I’ve never heard of a half-orc aasimar because in fantasy books it’s usually the humans getting it on with everyone and making half-whatever babies but there’s no reason a half-orc couldn’t have celestial ancestry. The idea of a risen devil is also very dope and something I’ve only seen once (and as art, not in an RPG context--Edit: Actually, I’ve seen in twice. In one chapter of Ah My Goddess, Hell sticks a demon onto the main goddess to try and corrupt her and she ends up purifying the demon which was wild when I read it in high school but you’re not here for me to go off about my comfort manga so let’s keep moving). The idea that there are “bad” gods and so their opposition, their “demons” would be essentially angels is very clever and something I hadn’t really considered. Also the phrase “The job is the fuck people into being decent basically,” is really A+. Well done Brennan.

Also, my knowledge of CR Campaign 1 is very spotty so this may be very off but I feel like Brennan watched a bunch of Gilmore scenes and then snorted a line of coke before he created Garthy.

Kristen: I’m proud of the choices I make.

Emily: They eat brains but also drink beer?

Captain Whitlock has a peg leg tentacle on his face that he tries to face touch Kristen with and Tracker is not having ANY of that. “Under no circumstances.”

Poor Fabian, giving an awesome speech to Captain Whitlock and then rolling a 1 on his Sparta Kick. Luckily, Gorgug hit a 26 on a DC 25 challenge to give him the help action so Fabian didn’t eat it.

Sidenote, we learn there used to be a pirate king but Bill killed him. Sounds about right.

I’m even more convinced that the rule is people who have seen Kalina before can see her in the picture after the conversation they had about it in this ep. Glad they decided to puzzle it out some more--even though I think it’s a little iffy to be spilling all your info to a pirate you literally just met (especially Fig--closed book my ass).

Garthy mentions again that the NK defies categorization--something that came up in Adaine’s research. I’m wondering how that’s gonna come into play later.

“I could tell you a very sweet lie, which is more my style.” I really like Garthy and I hope that continues to be the case.

Gorgug: That would be pretty disruptive...Yeah.

“Your name’s Van-Boat.”/”No!”

Riz, right before a nat 20 to commit Vehicular manslaughter: Get out of the way Gilear. I’ve killed people before, it’s fine.

I loved everyone being like, “Gilear you killed people! You’re officially an adventurer!”

Gilear, with the intensity of someone a firefighter has just pulled out of a burning building: I need the frog.

Tracker does like a crazy blood-brother type ritual for healing which is interesting because you’d think that would be bad what with the werewolf-ism but I guess it’s just through biting.

Fabian and Ragh peer pressuring Riz to do snuff, Ragh actually getting him to do it with a hippie speech about mind expansion, and Riz getting high as hell and getting Memento tats all over his body (NIGHT YORB--also, Sklonda is gonna LOVE this I bet) is such a wild series of events.

Kristen casts a spell on Gilear so she’ll take all of his damage and he starts getting hurt the second he’s out of her eyeshot. Wild.

“I cast friends on Gilear.”

I am going to murder Brennan for that cell tower gag.

Sidebar: I don’t have a picture of the Leviathan map but if someone has it someone I’ll post the link here for anyone who could use it.

And while we’re side tracked, shoutout to the dude who made this song based on Gorgug’s last ep. The line, “My girlfriend's really mad and she's also a goat” is truly golden.

Oh! And someone randomly gifted me a twitch subscription to dropout! If you’re on here, thanks somePloops!

Kristen and Tracker getting neck tats of each others’ names is just so so much.

Also, let’s pour one out for the fan-artists of FH that are also fans of CR and had to watch half the cast of both getting tatted up in back to back weeks, making any canon drawing that much more complicated.

I don’t think I fully realized until this ep when Adaine was the only sober one of her friends in a bar reading a book how closely she’s tracking my high school/college experience. Her, “Everyone is drunk by which I mean everyone but me is drunk,” killed me because I have said that verbatim on so many occasions. Watching Siobhan play Adaine is like, therapy by proxy for me.

“I am a child.”

Adaine, lying badly: I have also taken drugs.

Kristen has a stealth of -3. Woof.

Fig, Adaine and Riz each got nat 1 20 this ep. Fabian, Gorgug, and Adaine each rolled a nat 1 but Fabian’s was cancelled by Gorgug and Adaine’s was on initiative.

#fantasy high #fantasy high live #dimension 20 #fantasy high spoilers #dimension 20 spoilers #report card

85 notes · View notes