#i trully cannot wait for next week | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

faellschtizz · 11 months

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Getting Unstuck

I’m back after a long time, as evident by me posting maybe half an hour ago.

I’ve move slightly towards embracing my gender, which itself is still a bit beyond my understanding. To recap, in 2019 I figured out than being a man is making me completely fucking miserable and instantly started to self id as a woman. That lead inot a great depression when I figured out it ain’t as easy as calling my psychiatrist and asking for hormones. I’ve come out to friends in next months and dropped out of masters studies bc of the stress and mental health being nuked. I’ve met my now boyfriend at a trans meetup, got a job again and moved in iwith him. Then, time started passing and things didn’t change much, if at all.

At first a year was gone due to covid. I was supposed to have my first gender psychologist appointment on the day the lockdown started and had to wait almost another year. The psychiatrist send me to the psychologist, who at first I was FtM, shich made me happy. Again due to covid, the clinic was temporarily using the spaces of an addiction clinic, which the psychologist used as an excuse to get me tested (I did tell her I was using weed but she still wanted the test). Bc I was positive, like I told her I’m gonna be, she decided to stop my evaluation mid session and told me get clean.

I didn’t, that was too much. So I’ve put transition on a side track and tried to lvie on. My list was come out to parents (I’ve wrote about how it went with dad already), upgrade my job or at least make progress on my masters, and try to figure out if transitioning would trully help me.

Thus, I’ve lost next 3 and a half years to fear, froze completely, only degraded my relationship with family and my mental health slowly eroded as I started smoking more and more weed.

Finally, something happened this year. One of my smoking buddies had to quit weed to get a new job and he managed with only slightly terrible replacement. Another was forced to confornt his demons after almost giving up on living. And my bf gave an ultimatum to do something. These are all events worth their own stories, but I’m not going on another tangent here.

So, I had a window to try and change some habits. I wrote to the gender spychologist, who told me she’s ok with me transition as long as I’m clean over email (let’s ignore she never actually finished my evaluation). She also sent me to the gender psychiatrist, who said he’s gonna let me pass is I pass a drug test.

While I don’t quite understand that, it finally gave me the motivation to go off weed, now it’s been over 3 weeks. I think I should be clean next week when I’m meeting him next. After my last appointment I told my parents I’m transitioning. Wasn’t much of a coming out, mostly just straight up told them I’m gonna get on HRT and that I’m using a new name and pronouns she/her now. They tried to push me back into the closet first and then told me how unexpected that was.

In conclusion on this extra long wall of text, I got a couple of steps further towards starting HRT, came out to parents fully, and quit using weed cold turkey, motly bc my bf wanted me to do something. Now I’m happier, way more productive and completely hyperactive all the time. I’m so tired from overworking myself, overwalking the dog and overdoing the dishes. And today, the previous post happened.

I don’t know if I’m able to cope with it all much longer. I’m tired but cannot rest, I’m doing all I can but get little support back.

#trans #mental health #COMING OUT #update #stuck in life #i'm so fucking tired

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