bills

Ngl it's a bit sad when you put effort on something you really wanted to do, planning everything just for it to not go as well as it went in your head. It's one of the saddest things about writing fanfic in my opinion, everything's just so unpredictable TT

But I was hit with the truth brick on the head and well, I discovered that I should be satisfied with what I wrote before anything. Idk if it makes sense but it's just that thing of "write for yourself, the work you would love to read". And that helped a lot because numbers will exist at the end of the day but like...

Just imagine 50 people in front of you reading word by word, getting interested and even starting to think about future possibilities of your work. Numbers will be numbers at the end of the day, but it turns into something else when you start to see them as individuals.

Also, how have you been? I know I don't send as many asks as I did before, but I'm still here!! :'D

(Might go off anon some of these days... I guess I went on anon for too much time haha. And from my experiences sending asks to you over most of 2023, I can say you're my favorite writer ever like ever. Your blog was what motivated and made me lose the fear of writing stuff, so I'm really grateful and kind of owe a lot to you jahsjws. Please take care of yourself!! Also, I've seen you have taken a SAT but I couldn't send a "good luck" ask so... I hope you succeed in whatever career you choose <33)

- 🦢 anon <3

it is. fanfiction is, unfortunately, quite unpredictable and most posts seem to get very few notes (let alone actual engagement), but i also think that's why it's important to have friends within the ff community <3 friends mitigate the negative effects of having no friendly engagement from strangers!!!!!!!!

there is a lot of value in thinking that way!! but i also think we shouldn't be shamed into not acknowledging the fact that sometimes you don't want to read your own work. that's why i'm so sad that the platonic fanfic community is so small. i don't always want to read my work, yknow? i already know what happens in my work. part of the fun of reading is not knowing what will happen!

i personally find it hard to see likes alone as individuals 💔 i thrive on connection with people, like you guys (my lovely anons and friends)!!!!! i love connection!!!!! but there is none with likes. to me, anyway. ultimately people either will or won't engage with my work, and i don't really care that much anymore. it's a minor annoyance more than a genuine frustration. moral injury started because of a request from 🐱 anon, so as long as they're happy, i don't think i mind such little engagement hehe <33 /gen

(STOPPPP YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY AWW you're literally so sweet 🦢 anon... you've been here for so long now, longer than most emoji anons. hell, longer than most of my mutuals, too, i think. i would love to be your moot!!!! but there is never any pressure to reveal yourself, of course. do it whenever you feel ready!! i will, and i hope you will also take care of yourself 🫶🫶 AND THANK YOUUU)

heyy yyits been a while

ngl i ran out of hikakao hcs/scenarios. i cant think of anything,, so if u have any please share i want to talk about them but i have nothing in my brain. brain empty

ALSO i want to play sonic now i keep seeing post about it and im like Damn i want to play a sonic game. never been able to play one because ive never been fortunate enough to own a nintendo device, like a ds or a switch. def would've LOVED sonic if i did have one when i was younger, considering how much i love the guy now. unfortunately i have No Money. Sad

also this is unrelated but i really like tetris i like tetris a lot. i play tetris for hours on end recently,, i even started playing it in my head any second my mind wanders. every time i close my eyes, my brain is fitting together those colored blocks. its a lifestyle now, one ill never escape. but thats ok im a little autistic and i like tetris. life is good

HEY it's ok dude i get it!! sincerely just Thankful somebody has as much brain rot as me abt them

I guess I'll take this moment to ramble a teeny bit about them. So the other day I was on a JP doujin site reading this hikakao doujin and I was like "Oh I've seen this one before but in English. Where's the english one" and i almost went searching for it till i realized that. there is no english translation I just can read/understand Japanese so I've read it before and understood it and that translated into my head as "it must have been in english" which is so wild to me. gaslit myself into believing there was an eng version of this doujin bc i can read japanese.

The other thing I've been thinking about is the ship itself and how I like to perceive it.... believe it or not I have rather complicated feeling on it. As in, there's a LOT of thoughts I have about hikakao as a ship. Obv there's the straight forward romantic "they're in love your honor" way WHICH I don't mind not at all, I like it. But I think my favorite dynamic is?? hard to pin point. So ok, in my head, I don't think they see each other (or would ever really see each other) as "boyfriends" or even romantically? But their relationship is def more than platonic. Basically some weird queer shit is happening idk. They're each other's closest and most important person, they are closer than most COUPLES are with each other but they don't see each other as lovers. But they do all those gay things, depending on how I feel I want to portray them sometimes it's just they kiss sometimes bc they're that close with each other and other times it's like. yeah they fuck. But either way it's like. They always see each other as brothers and nothing "more", but "brothers" to them is this very very weird thing. It's what most people would consider "dating" and "lovers" but that's not how they see it. Is this making sense.

I think this fanfic is the closest adaptation to what I'm trying to describe here, it's short but rlly fucking good. But it's a really interesting take on their relationship and tbh? I think I vibe with this the most. They're not "in love" but they love each other, and people on the outside might not see a difference. I guess it comes down to the fact romantic/platonic attraction is a spectrum, and Hikakao lies in some weird gray era.

Of course tho I love the ship in all forms, even strictly only platonic/familial, cuz I guess my interpretation isn't too far off, just a little more "questionable" (lol).

And idk your thoughts on tamahikakao, or haruhikakao, but I love both those ships, too. I have VERY complicated feelings on both much like hikakao itself so if you wanna know more I'll let you know >u< but ANYWAYS yeah, I'm obsessed with these co-dependent weirdos, love 'em (and for anybody new here reading this I think it should be common fucking sense but I do not support incest in real life bc what the fuck)

About SONIC!!! I could talk literal hours. I have before to my friends. Sonic was my first and oldest special interest, the series is so dear to my heart. I don't know EVERYTHING of course, I think that's impossible, but I'm close. I know so much useless facts/watched all the shows + movies/played the games (not all of them, also broke + i suck at sonic games hilariously)/read the comics/etc etc. My favorite sonic games growing up, hilariously, we're not any of the main line games. I always loved the spin-offs. My absolute favorite was Dr. Robotnik's mean bean machine. I played that sooo much, beat it multiple times. It's literally just puyopuyo reskinned. Otherwise, I LOVED Sonic Fighters, Sonic 3D Blast, Sonic R, Sonic Riders and Shadow the Hedgehog. Some may say I have bad taste but I say everyone just doesn't fucking know how good these games were /lh (altho I will defend Shadow the hedgehog to the grave I LOVED that game)

Of course I played all the other major titles, the genesis games, Colors, generations, black night/secret rings, unleashed, etc etc even 06, which back then as a little kid even I knew it wasn't very good... it just wasn't that fun to play.

OH I almost forgot the handheld games. I sadly didn't get to experience the ones outside of the Gems Collection for gamecube, so the GBA/DS ones I never really got a chance to play except Sonic Battle (LOVED THIS ONE TOO), Sonic Rush, and Sonic Chronicles which... was a VERY interesting game that confused me a lot as a kid but I still liked it (basically Sonic JRPG)

someday here, I plan to buy the Sonic Advanced titles, since outside of Sonic Ultimate Flash (that fanmade game) I never got to really play them. I like playing on actual hardware, and I have a DS Flashcart, so I can play any DS game, but GBA games I cannot.... maybe I'll get a GBA flashcart if they exist and aren't too pricey.

If you're like me and don't like playing on PC emus bc it's just better to play on actual hardware, all I can really suggest is save up for a ds + a ds flashcart. Otherwise, if you have an Xbox system or Play Station, I know quite a few sonic games are on those! Sonic Heroes (forgot to mention, love this one too) is on the OG Xbox, and Shadow the Hedgehog + Unleashed are on PS2. And of course there's many on Xbox360/PS3, and so forth. So if you have those systems look into what Sonic games there are!!

And of course you can always just read the new IDW comics (much better than the Archive comics IMO, up to issue 52 rn. It's SO good, the story and the new characters are just amazing.

Also, I love tetris, too :) It's a fun calming game for me. Also it's got that sick music, obviously. I have Tetris Plus for the gameboy and play it when I get bored, but I wish I had the OG tetris bc I don't think Plus has the music... it's been a long time, tho. Dr. Mario is another game I have and am kinda obsessed with tbh. Ah good memories man