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aleapoffaithfiction · 5 years

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XIII.

I wanna know how much time you spent on them paragraphs Where you're getting me All that grey in our conversation history, you Playin' mind games, when you sayin' things

“Stop, stop, stop. I’m done for the day. I’m…done.”

Beads of perspiration tickled the edges of my forehead as I quickly snatched a towel off of the couch and hobbled out of the living room. My momma’s sigh was loud enough for me to have heard it as I continued to distance myself from what was mentally and physically draining me minute by minute. Hisses spilled from my lips with every step that I took, but I continued to walk as best as I could until I was secluded from the hecticness happening within the house.

Dorsiflexion, plantarflexion, inversion, eversion, bilateral calf raises, unilateral calf raises, and everything else; I couldn’t take another second of it no matter how hard I tried to push myself through. With every movement, there’s this terrifying anxiety that washes over me and it causes me to want to take a seat and leave my ankle alone. I’ll never forget the feeling of when it snapped as I hit the ground. The wail that left me still haunts my conscious. As I was carted off of the field to be seen by the medical staff, I leaned over and threw up by the time we were deep into the tunnel. The excruciating pain evoked a trembling that I could not stop and the reality of my season being over worsened it. They didn’t have to tell me what I already knew.

The angst I dealt with while in the hospital took just as much of a toll on me as the injury itself. It might have even been worse. No matter how many drugs they pumped into me just to comfort me enough to send me into a slumber, I could still feel almost all of the discomfort and a never-ending throbbing from the surgical procedure performed to repair it. My stomach remained in knots while waves of nausea would randomly hit me from all of the morphine. My momma and Sarai kept stuffing me with food to decrease my complaints about it. With every doctor and nurse that walked in and out of the room for the week that I was there, it felt like a whirlwind that I was never going to be able to get out of. I’m thankful for my loved one’s efforts to be up there with me as much as they could, because I know I would have had some kind of a breakdown if I weren’t distracted by their conversations, jokes, card games, and overnight stays.

I’ve been doing two sessions of physical therapy per day for a little over a week now and despite their insistence that all is well, I can’t help but to feel like one wrong move will have me starting this process all over again. My ankle doesn’t feel the same. No matter how much they emphasize the fact that I’m still within the healing phase, it doesn’t stop me from noticing how unsteady I feel without the walking boot on and the difference in how the bone used to feel. Time is of the essence. I know that now more than ever, but my mental state isn’t there just yet.

During interviews, I get asked all the time, what would I be doing if I weren’t playing football and half of the time I either give a bullshit response or I genuinely respond that I don’t know. I really don’t know and I don’t want to know. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I’d be professional athlete. Whether it was basketball, soccer, baseball, or football, I was assured in myself making it. Football came to me the easiest and put me in the best position to go pro, so I put my all into it. I love my job. It can be a rollercoaster ride of different emotions and predicaments, but I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. God has to be on my side with this. My ankle has to heal right.

“Hey. You okay?” Her soft tone immediately caught my attention and I panned my eyes in my momma’s direction as she stood in the doorway. Her lack of entry was her way of giving me some space.

“I’m good. I’m good.” At least, I want to be.

“What’s bothering you?”

“It just doesn’t feel the same. I’ve been injured before. You know I fractured two bones in my back at Newman. Of course, my rookie year in the league, I tore my hamstring twice. But this shit? I don’t know. I was confident in my comeback for those, but it’s hard to paint the picture now with it feeling like my ankle is capable of snapping again at any minute. Excuse my language, by the way. Sorry for cursing.”

“You had more x-rays done two weeks ago and we spoke to both the surgeon and the specialist. There isn’t a better fix than the one that you have right now. You wouldn’t have been cleared for physical therapy if it wasn’t time. You’re still healing son. It’s not going to happen overnight. This is much different from your fractured back and hamstring issues. Give it some time.”

“I’m trying to.”

“It’s only been a little under three months since the operation. The road to full recovery continues.”

“Right.” I didn’t mean to sound dismissive, but I’m tired of thinking about it. None of this was on my mind while I was in New Orleans.

“Why don’t you try the aquatic therapy before you end the day? It’ll be like yesterday with you just lying in the water. He said it’s the last thing he wanted to do with you before they get out of here anyway.” I rarely ever take naps, but I’d rather do that so that I can shut down my thoughts for a while rather than sitting in some water and wallowing in them even more.

“Alright. Give me a minute.”

I was in no rush to move. What should have taken two minutes or less turned into ten. My slow trailing to the master bathroom was deliberate and yet the patience remained between both my momma and one of the many physical therapists and trainers I’m going to be working with before this entire process is all said and done.

“Give me twenty minutes Beckham and you’re done. I won’t push you any further. You’ve done very well today.”

“Alright. Cool.”

In an effort to shift my thoughts elsewhere, I put my wireless Beats headphones over my head. Drake’s “Nothing Was the Same” served as my sitting soundtrack. His discography was the last thing I was listening to anyway, so I might as well continue on with it.

I miss you.

An alert with Sarai’s message popped up at the top of the screen and my eyes instantly narrowed at the words she chose to send. Thoughts of her is something else I’ve been trying to avoid since I opened my eyes this morning and it’s been the hardest task of them all.

I knew life would go back to normal once the jet landed in Teterboro, New Jersey and we were back into the reality of our lives outside of one another but I didn’t know it would turn into over a week of nothingness. I know the hours she works five days a week can be exhausting, so I’m more than willing to come to her to make it easier but Taylor being in town has kept me at way more than just an arm’s length away from her.

All I’ve been left with is watching her every morning on the show and the occasional text messages she’d send to check on me; not even phone calls. Yesterday afternoon, she told me that she planned to come and spend the night with me and I eagerly held her to that until she flaked on me late last night with an excuse of being too tired to move off of her couch. So, her missing me isn’t holding much weight right now. I don’t doubt it, but I’m ten minutes away. It doesn’t take much to see me.

I thought I was going to sleep with you last night and waking up to you this morning. You wouldn’t have had to miss me if that happened.

I believe in the savior, I read the bible, although it’s not as often as it should be, and I wholeheartedly believe in all of the plans that he has for me. I’m not as prone to look into anything beyond that when it comes to souls and spirituality but I’ve found myself in a space of wonder and now a quiet acceptance at what I’ve felt since we landed in my home. In my choice to invite her out there, I thought it would be a nice getaway for herself and a way to further us getting to explore things about one another that you’ll never be able to find on the internet. That exploration has emotionally driven me to a point of no return.

Just the sound and sight of her laughter evoked responses from my body that I know she didn’t notice with her keen eyes but I certainly felt within me. Whether it was the fluttering with my stomach or my need to protect her intensifying; it was there. Every conversation we shared stored into my memory, word by word, and played back many times over so they’d forever be engraved.

Our quiet outings with one another didn’t feel like dates. I feel like there are expectations and far too many impressions that you need to leave on a person whenever the date title is involved, although I don’t mind using it. With Sarai, it just felt like I was hanging out with one of my best friends. What impressed us didn’t involve extravagance. She actually scolded me for renting such a massive space for us to reside in during our stay. All we did was eat and bask in one another and the time we were able to spend away from here. Mentally, I never mustered up a single thought about our intimacy going beyond us only spending time together without any outside interruptions. Despite my quiet yearning for her, there was no pressure or haste for any of that. Throughout that day, I could feel a shift in the energy between us. I couldn’t quite explain it or comprehend what it meant, but the way it radiated between the two of us said far more than any words spilling from our lips ever could.

Our limbs only responded to what our souls were calling for. Every inch of her connected to me in a perfection that I’ve never experienced in the life that I’ve lived thus far. Her taste; my God. Anything that has gone through the test of my tasting is incomparable. Her nectar distinctively tastes like it’s made solely for me and I’m drunkenly hooked; I can never have enough of it.

As my flesh drowned into hers, I lost myself into her world. My awareness solely became hers. It became my mission to learn her every tick, gasp, and need. Nothing else mattered. Her haven welcomed me, leaving me safe and sound within her arms. The tears that filled her eyes evoked a flood of them into mine. She rendered me to speechlessness.

I could only show her my every emotion. I didn’t know I was waiting for her until now. I didn’t know how much I needed her until now. How could such flawlessness exist? I….just. How can I put it into words? It’s never been this way for me before. I’ve always been someone in control of most things about myself and of what I allow into my life but Sarai? She’s shaken me up to the core. I am willingly at her mercy. I know no other way to be for her.

It’s unnerving and yet beautiful all at once. I find myself laughing at myself because I never thought I’d be here. After all of the juvenile conversations I’ve had with my pops and a shit ton of my friends, I figured the bachelor or temporary relationship life would be it for me until I randomly settled down with some long-term girlfriend later on down the line. As they all put it, it would be less troublesome and no paperwork involved. I could see why the easy way out is appealing, but the harsh reality is that it wouldn’t be worth it.

I’m sorry, babe. I really was tired. After finishing up an episode of the Podcast yesterday evening, I ended up having to head right into the city for a birthday dinner. By the time I got home, I had no energy to do anything other than sleep.

I don’t even want to argue. What’s the point of doing so over something that’s such an easy fix?

So, what’s our plans for tonight then?

Shep is throwing Chanel a surprise gathering in a venue room in condominium they currently reside in. He’s proposing to her at some point today and then the party is celebrating that and her birthday tonight. He and I had a couple of conversations about the deep love that he has for her and he’d been telling me that he found the one for him maybe a month or two after they got into a relationship. I remember when he came over here to tell me that he planned to propose and I wasn’t shocked in the slightest. I just told him how proud I am of him for taking such a huge step and jokingly said that I wouldn’t be doing it any time soon.

Sterling reached out to me and invited me to a party tonight for Chanel. I’m sure that you know about it and will most likely be there. I have an event that I have to go to prior to it but I may stop by to give her my love.

I almost ruined the surprise aspect of the party two days ago. I was in the car with Shep and I took the phone from him and told her that we’d see her on Friday for her birthday, but thankfully she didn’t think anything of it. He didn’t tell me he was inviting Sarai though, with his sneaky ass.

And after that?

If my ankle wasn’t in its current state, I’d suggest that we go skiing this weekend. I can’t afford the possibility of falling though; at least not right now. We’ll have to hold off on that until next year around this time.

Your place.

Taylor must still be around.

I’m holding you to that.

If she shows up to the party tonight, we can just proceed back here from there, hopefully together.

You have my word. See you tonight.

Now what the hell am I going to wear?

“Where you heading to momma?” I pulled my red Supreme x Louis Vuitton hoodie over my head before glancing over at her. The comfort wear she had on earlier was gone and she switched up into stuff she typically wears when she’s heading out for a night on the town. The Chanel bag on her shoulder is one of those random gifts from me. I picked it up the other day because I felt like she’d like it. I got something for my baby too.

“Dinner with Tammy. You need anything before I head out?”

“Nah. I’m good.”

“Make sure you give Chanel and Sterling my love. Tell them I said congratulations. I’m so thrilled for them.”

“I will.” With the pictures the two of them shared on social media, the news is already heavily circulating around all of the social media apps.

“You coming back home tonight?”

“Yeah, why?” A snicker slipped out as I glance over at her again. Where did that question come from?

“I don’t know. It’s the weekend. I figured you’d be hanging out or something.”

“Yeah, I’m going to the party. After that, I’m supposed to kick it with Sarai here.” That’s what she really wanted to know but she just didn’t want to be obvious with her nosiness.

“Oh good. That way you can stop moping around here.”

“Moping? I haven’t been moping.”

“Oh yes you have. The last time I seen you smile extra hard was over a week ago when we all had breakfast together before you two left to fly back home. Since then, you’ve been around here with the sour face. Oh, young love. I miss those days.”

“Yeah, okay momma.” As I playfully rolled my eyes, she giggled and shook her head. She’s nearly as blissful about this as I am. She spent more time conversing with Sarai in the kitchen than she did with me the morning before we left. It turns out they share quite a bit in common, including running track and field in high school and their love of fashion.

“Give her my love too. Maybe she and I can have that lunch date we spoke about. I’ll shoot her text tomorrow.”

“I will.”

Once I grabbed my phone to look at the time, I immediately sucked my teeth because I’m damn near late. That brief nap I took ran over far more time than it should have. I should have been ready a long ass time ago and I’m still standing here in the mirror, putting on jewelry.

“I need to get out of here. I hope the driver is outside.”

I would have driven myself over there, but I don’t know how much I’m going to drink tonight and I’d rather not risk having to sleep on Shep’s couch on the night that he got engaged to the love of his life. That’s cockblocking on a whole new level.

“Be safe tonight.”

“Will do. I left the car keys on the coffee table for you.” As soon as I clasped my watch on my arm, I slipped my phone into my pocket and shut all of the lights off in my bedroom. Yet again, I sucked my teeth and turned around to turn a few of them back on. I couldn’t leave without making up the bed. It would be tasteless of me to have her lay in it with the blanket and the sheets all over the place. Lastly, I jogged into the closet and grabbed one of my practice t-shirts to place on her side of the bed so she’ll have something to sleep in.

“The car is here!”

“On my way down right now.”

I didn’t even bother with turning off the lights again. I just grabbed Chanel’s gift, trekked down the stairs, gave my momma a kiss, and ran out of the door. I already know Shep is like five seconds off of calling to see where I’m at.

When we first spoke about the surprise party, initially the plans were to do something bigger but after taking Chanel’s personality into consideration and the importance of the moment, the intimate setting fit better. From the time I walked through the doors, I appreciated the vibe. There’s nothing industry about it. There’s no paparazzi flooding the front of the building, like it would have been if he booked out some nightclub in Manhattan.

There are no cameras or media personalities walking around the partying looking for some hot take to post for the sake of driving up the website traffic for whatever publication or blog they work for. The only camera being worked around the room is Jeff’s and he’s doing so to create memories for the happy couple. Aside from our teammates, who we consider to be our brothers, no one here is really what anyone would consider to be industry and I’m glad of that.

“This nigga really has on a Supreme walking boot. You can’t get no swaggier than that.” Otto drew attention to my boot as soon as he pointed down at it and I instantly stuck out my foot to show it off in a playfully exaggerated manner. Every time I wear this thing, it’s pointed out with some kind of commentary. It’s definitely something I would do, but I can’t take credit for it this time. Sarai gets it all, though I can’t brag on it by saying that.

“Aye, you know me.”

I dipped my chip down into the dip bowl for yet another round of the snack that I’ve damn near eaten all of. It’s been a minute since I’ve been to a party with a good ass dip. Shep gon’ have to tell me where that came from.

“Thank you for the gift lil’ big bro. I can’t wait to wear it.” Chanel wrapped me into another bear hug. I’d gotten her a diamond necklace made with Shep’s number on it that’s identical to the one that I got for him. I remembered her talking about stealing his, so I figured I’d get her one made so it wouldn’t have to come down to that. It falls right in line with that corny couple shit that they love anyway.

“It’s no problem. I’m happy for ya’ll. I appreciate you for making my lil’ brother happy. You really are his whole heart.”

“And he’s mine.” Her eyes panned down to my phone for a brief second. I’d just liked the picture Sarai shared on Instagram. She’s covered in velvet from head to toe and she looks absolutely incredible. I couldn’t just skim away from it like I’d do any other picture on my timeline.

“And she’s yours huh? I think she’s coming tonight.”

“I heard.”

“Look at how your eyes just lit up. I’m happy for you too.”

“Happy about what?” As hard as it is, I had to play it off for the sake of practice. I’ve always been private and reserved about certain aspects of my life, but with this, sometimes I just want to proudly scream it from the mountain tops. Sometimes I want to be just as proud as the next man who is happily committed to someone.

“You know what I’m happy about. Besides, your boy can have a big mouth sometimes. I’ve heard about a lot, including the trip.” Her wink immediately made me look over at Shep, who had been dancing by the ping pong table for the past couple of minutes.

“Aye Shep! We on that table!” I shouted loud enough to be heard over the music and he instantly threw me a thumbs up in agreement for the ass whooping that’s about to come. He’s not seeing me in ping pong.

“Aw. I didn’t mean to put you in the hot seat.”

“You didn’t. It’s cool.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. I’m good.”

I don’t know what to say about her and I. I know what I want to say but none of that can be it. I had to choose somebody to fully confide in and Shep was it. I just needed an ear to not only vent about the frustrating times we’ve had thus far, but also to excitedly discuss how joyed I am. I figured if anyone could relate to me and what I’m feeling right now, it had to be him so he’s my go to. While my momma and siblings know the basic aspects of she and I, Shep knows it all…down to the ultimate intimacy we’ve shared.

Based upon Sarai’s standards, that’s probably one too many people. I stand firm in my belief that no one on her end knows about me; not even Taylor.

“You ready for this ass whooping?”

“A hundred dollars on it?” I knew he’d turn it into a bet.

“Bet.”

What started out as an intense and yet hilarious game turned into nothing more than us dancing around the table to Future songs. Our locker room antics made its way to the small area that didn’t have any furniture and a dance off began. Aside from being on the field, it’s what I’ve been missing the most. After practice or after one hell of a game, we ease the tension away by putting on a Beats Pill in the locker room and just rocking out right in the middle of the floor. Sometimes we’ll even get Eli’s off beat ass into the mix.

I catch plenty of criticism for all of the dancing, but I really don’t give a fuck about any of that. I’ve learned since coming into the league how much people aim to deliberately steal your joy because they’re either miserable or just don’t want to see you being happy. I can’t live my life trying to please people like that because I’ll end up in that same mental space.

“Throw on that Free Smoke!”

Italian bergamot sprinkled with warm cinnamon slithered past my nose. Cocoa and hints of jasmine left me in a state of total surrender as I stood still, looking like the odd one amongst the rowdy crew. I smelled her before I could see her. It’s the same exact scent that oozed from her skin the night I left my kisses on every part of her that I desired to. Those chargrilled oysters we had with the crawfish were nothing in comparison to the aphrodisiac that is her scent. I can feel myself flinching in my pants and I’ve yet to turn around.

All it took was a glance over my shoulder for me to see her wrapped up into Chanel’s arms. In her hands were two shopping bags from Gucci. Like women tend to do, they were fawning over one another with compliments and kisses to their cheeks. Her milk chocolate skin illuminated under the dim lighting with a glow unlike any other woman in the room, including the bride to be. I know it to be true, because what was once a crew of dancers, turned into an audience for her.

“Sarai!”

Shep left us all to stand there looking like morons. As the seconds went by, I was the last moron standing in place. If they weren’t going to greet her, they were going to meet her. Though she’d protest against anyone ever deeming her to be anything of the sort, she became the power in the room just that quickly.

Our eyes met briefly. Her wave was like that of one that she’d give a stranger randomly walking by. It was calculated and without emotion. I could only nod in response to it. The table I was once sitting at awaited me and I returned to it without much said. What could I say anyway?

“You good?” I threw back another glass of Ace of Spades with a nod. I could smell the Hennessy on his breath as he flopped down into the chair next to me. My stomach couldn’t handle dark liquor tonight, especially not mixed in with champagne. I’ll be throwing up my insides in no time If I try it.

“I’m good.”

“Otto tryna’ steal your girl.” Oh, I know. His mouth may not be saying it, but his eyes are. If he bites his lip one more time, I just might launch this bottle at his head. He’s over there deliberately standing amongst the women just to be in her face.

“I know. I see him.” The amusement on Shep’s face said it all. He’s entertained by all of this.

“You should see your face. You look like you want to kill him. That’s why I came over here. Cool down tiger.”

“I’m cool.”

“You in love huh?” I don’t even want to talk about love and if I’m in it right now. Love is complex. Is that why I’m in a maze right now?

“Shep, my girl is in the room, and I can’t speak to her. I have to sit here and watch my teammate all but ask for her number, and I can’t say a motherfucking thing. You want to talk about love when we’re in that type of space?”

“Yeah, because you wouldn’t be reacting this way if it weren’t involved.”

“I’m not reacting.”

“But you are. I just said that you look like you want to kill something. You look like one wrong move and you’re going to fuck up this party.”

“I would never do that.”

“I know that, but you’re on the edge. You’re my brother. I can see it. It’s nothing wrong with it. She is too. You just have your heart on your sleeve.” And that’s the frightening part.

“Yeah, just me.”

“Not just you. Just you within this moment.”

“Why did I have to go the complex route? Look at you and Cha Cha. Ya’ll are happy and just living life. There are no restrictions or obstacles in your way. My situation? It’s nothing but that. I’ve never wanted something so bad in my life, bro. At one point, all I could think about was winning chips. It’s what drove me, aside from making sure that my family is good. It still does, but now, the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning is her. I’m going to sleep thinking about her. I’m thinking about shit for my life that I swore off.”

“So, love.” His laughter wasn’t loud enough to draw attention to us but I could hear it well enough as I watched her shake hands with Brad. He and I go way back to LSU, but I’ll still check his ass if need be.

“Whatever, man.”

“Nothing worth something comes to you easily. That can be said for anything in life. Chanel and I were not as easy as you assume. We just worked at it from the very beginning and shit just flowed. She played hard to get for a lil’ minute. You know that.”

“I know.”

“Ya’ll got something special. I know it because I’ve never seen you like this before. I’ve never even heard you talking like his. We talk about God all the time. What you were once just admiring and thought was a silly crush made its way into your life and proved itself to be something for you. I don’t think that’s some coincidence. What’s for you is for you. Trust it. Those are your words, not mine. I just believe in them just as much as you do now.” During one of our earlier conversations about all of this, I did say that. I still don’t think it’s a coincidence. It’s a blessing for sure, but even your blessings come with a couple of lessons to learn.

“I hear you.”

“Alright then, so get your ass up.”

I thought we were going back to the ping pong table, but he was pulling me out there to dance. This time around, it wasn’t just an all guy thing. We got the women in the room involved in too. Sarai? Not so much. She sat with a cup of soda in her hand and exhaustion in her eyes. The long work day and whatever event she attended tonight drained out whatever energy she had left.

“Bruh, I might shoot my shot. I know so many have tried and failed, but fuck it. I’m willing to take the L.” Liquid courage revved up Otto’s boldness as he hung off my shoulder and ogled at the prize; my prize. In an instant my jaw clenched.

“She doesn’t look like she’s up for that.” And neither am I.

“She looks like she’s chilling to me. You got some gum or something?”

“Nah.”

“Aye man. Chill out. Abort that mission immediately. She out of ya league playboy.” Shep’s joke earned laughter out of the both of them. It served as a much needed distraction. Instead of approaching her, he was now wrapped up in a senseless conversation while I leisurely made my way across the room to be within inches of her presence.

“Tired?” As soon as I extended my hand, she latched hers onto it for a handshake. The warmth of her palm soothed the pressure within my shoulders and back effortlessly. Apprehension filled her eyes as she turned her head from side to side to take in the room.

“Very.”

“Head start?” I reached into my pocket for my keys and slowly withdrew them. Her eyes instantly widened.

“Beckham.”

“No one is paying attention to us. Just shake my hand again.” As she had done just a moment ago, she placed her hand onto mine and just like that, my house keys were in her possession.

“See you in a bit.”

I walked away before she had a chance to tell me to do so and within minutes, she began to make her rounds to bid her goodbyes to those who she knew. She spoke with Chanel for an extended time, as I expected, and with a final wave and thanks for the invitation, she left out as quietly as she came in. Her head start wouldn’t be too extended because I’m getting out here soon. I don’t need to become any tipsier than I already am. The next morning hangover is never pretty.

“We don’t have save the dates or anything like that ready, but I’m telling you now that I need you as one of my groomsmen.” I immediately dapped him in appreciation. I’ve only been to one wedding in my life and the experience was boring as hell if you ask me. I need some sort of redemption and I’m honor to be a part of one of my closest friends’ big day.

“You got it brother. Just let me know when and where. We gon’ make that bachelor weekend something epic.”

“Ya’ll better. Not too crazy though.”

“Look at you. Already washed up and you ain’t even walk down the aisle yet.”

“You starting to look a little washed too brother.” His laughter was solo. If he didn’t think I lived out Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin” verse every day, he wouldn’t find any of this so funny. I was and am not that damn bad.

“You know what, I’m out. You clowning.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know where you’re rushing too. It’s cool. Hit me tomorrow.”

“Bet. Congratulations again. As your pops, I couldn’t be any prouder of you son.”

“Man, if you don’t go somewhere.”

After our shared hug, I didn’t go around the room for any goodbyes, because if I did, I would have been there for another hour. My parting was general and I left out after using the bathroom.

Having to ring my own doorbell may have been the funniest part of the night. Initially, it was awkward, but I ended up slightly laughing when an annoyed Sarai opened the door after I pressed the bell one too many times.

I didn’t expect so much darkness when I stepped into the house. She hadn’t gone anywhere besides the living room because it was the only light on. My momma beat us here, because the car’s in the driveway. She has to be sleeping.

“Really?” I figured she’d go straight to bed, but instead, she returned back to her position of being sprawled out on all of the floor with not just Mowgli and Eris, but Khan and Blackjack too. She had The Wood on to preoccupy her time. She hadn’t even taken off her jacket. The heels were off though.

“If I didn’t stay awake, how else were you going to get in?”

“I thought you’d at least change your clothes.”

“You want me walking around your home in a t-shirt while your mother’s here? That may not be the best idea.” Usually as soon as I walk in the door, all four of the dogs are at my feet and awaiting my attention. Tonight, they didn’t even flinch at the sight of me. She’s not only casted her spell on me, but on them too.

“You hungry or thirsty?”

“I had some coconut water when I came in. I’m alright. I think I may be coming down with something. Like a flu, maybe.”

“Like a stomach flu?” As she leaned forward, I flopped down on the couch behind her and she leaned her back against it again. My next move was to grab her ponytail so that I could run my fingers through it.

“No. Like a cold or something. I have a headache and my throat is slightly sore. Maybe it’s because I’m tired and have been talking all day. I hope it’s that.”

“Want some aspirin?”

“I took some already. I keep a bottle in my bag.”

“You should just go to bed then. It’s not like you have to get up in the morning. You can sleep in. I won’t bother you.” We’ll be sleeping in together, because I’m tired my damn self. I’ve been up since six. That nap did nothing for me.

“After the movie. I just put it on. You had therapy today?”

“Yeah.” Though we can talk to one another about anything, I didn’t want to say much of anything about that. After today’s frustration, I feel like somewhat of a failure.

“How was it?”

“It wasn’t my best effort. Every time I step down on it with all of my weight, it just feels unsteady. The discomfort isn’t easy either. Shit, I’m feeling some soreness from all of the dancing I was doing tonight.” The movie became an afterthought as she turned around and reached for the boot, she gifted to me. The dogs and myself looked on as she slowly released the straps and pulled it off. Relief washed over me when I felt the freeness.

“What are you doing?” My feet aren’t the prettiest. I didn’t expect her to pull my sock off but she did. Slowly, her fingers kneaded into my ankle. Yet again, it’s another moment of me wondering if she’s real or mythical.

“You have to trust it. Most of all, you have to trust yourself. Once you do that, all of the worry will be behind you.”

“I’m working on that.”

“You know your body better than anyone else does. You take better care of your body than most people I know. I read how you put at least three hundred thousand dollars into your body during the off season to make sure you’re well and ready for the fall. This is no different. Believe in your process and the ankle will follow.” She leaned her head down and aligned her lips at the beginning mark of the surgical scar. Finally, she trailed kisses down its entirety and back up to the beginning point where she started. Chills gradually trickled all over my frame as I lay there in silence. Sometimes I can’t stand the sight of that scar and here she is, kissing it.

“Flaws and all, Beckham. Flaws and all.”

“Thank you.”

It’s one thing to quietly hope that someone accepts you with any flaws that you may come with, but it’s something spiritual to hear it being told to you. I’ve known of her acceptance since she stood up for me. It was the first time in a long time that I not only felt understood, but also properly seen, heard, and genuinely applauded.

“Just trust it.” She placed one last kiss over my scar and lazily flopped back down into the position she was once in before.

Though she missed a few minutes of the movie, she didn’t bother with rewinding it. My fingers found their way back into her ponytail as I attempted to watch it along with her. It failed to keep my attention for more than ten minutes. No matter how hard I tried stay awake, my body’s plea for sleep won.

“Sarai.” The TV read just ten minutes after five in the morning. What started off as a comfortable sleep turned into me tossing and turning for more space than I had. I should have gotten in the bed in the first place.

“I know you not asleep on that floor.”

The dogs were still there but she wasn’t. The boots were no longer alongside the couch and instead of her black bag still being on the coffee table, my keys were there.

Suddenly the urge to fall back to sleep ceased as disappointment overwhelmed me.

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