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#i think my greatest strength is the stony calm with which i take the pain and suffering
hag-o-hags · 7 months
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got my therona shot, FINALLY, after being stymied and waylaid SO. MANY. TIMES.
For the record, 1) this is the first one I've had since getting the plague. 2), boosters two and three were absolutely no big thing. But 3), the first shot left me in a feverish, sweating heap praying for a merciful death for the 12 sickest hours of my LIFE. Which leads me to 4), the flu shot absolutely kicked my ass this year in a way it never has before, and at 9 hours out from getting stabbed I think I should prepare my last will and testament.
So anyway I have an appointment with Rheumatology next week.
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sgrayonderii · 4 years
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trials of izanagi
SSM20 #8: Let’s play pretend
Sakura tells Sasuke the reasons why they should get married. RTN!AU (Rated T)
When his father calls for a family meeting, Sasuke half fears it’s been finally revealed that he was the one that burned down the garden shed and not the neighborhood teens as he claimed. 
But when his mother also arrives with a stern expression, Sasuke realizes this is worse than a bit of light arson. 
He fidgets at the dining table nervously as he watches his father nod to his mother to begin.
“As you know,” she starts, “you are getting to age where one should consider settling down.”
Sasuke groans. 
“Mother!”  But she raises her hand to silence him. 
“Sasuke, this is a good opportunity for you and the clan.” 
“What about Aniki?” 
His mother’s face adopts a sour look, not pleased to be interrupted. “Your brother has his own duties. You should only concern yourself with your own.” 
Sasuke tries to protest once again but his mother’s stony features leave no room for argument.
“I’d expect you not to embarrass yourself or the clan,” Her expression is one of usual exasperation at his antics. “Sasuke, it is time for you to grow up.” 
---
Sasuke has always been quite bitter that his brother is allowed to gallivant around the countryside with his band of questionable acquaintances while the responsibilities of their clan are dumped onto him.
And it’s not that he doesn’t want to get married either! Having spent so much of his life devoted to his family’s whims, Sasuke at least wants to choose who he wants to spend his life with. 
Secretly, he quite enjoys the daydreams where he comes home to have a quiet night with the love of his life and what he is sure to be their small squadron of children. 
So Sasuke comes up with a plan.
He supposes if he makes himself an utter unmarriageable fool, this nonsense would be over. Even a name as prestigious as Uchiha would not be enough to secure an engagement if he is the most undesirable human being in the world.
So the day of the marriage interview, he tries to look like the failure his family assumes he is. Sasuke puts on a sweat suit he wore out to training two days ago paired with his sandals and mismatched fuzzy socks. He doesn’t brush his teeth and doesn’t even style his hair. He even spends a few days trying to grow a beard.
Sasuke looks like an absolute disaster. Which is quite a hard thing to do he might add; curse his beautiful face!
He arrives at the casual diner he had chosen feeling confident and clever, because what could be more disappointing to start off a potential marriage than a place he knows has more health violations than he has fingers?
That is until he realizes who his mother managed to set him up with. 
Sakura-chan, beautiful as ever, is sitting in the sticky booth the hostess leads him to with a cup of what he is sure is black coffee. 
Sasuke immediately regrets every life choice he has ever made. He wonders whether activating the Izanami right now would save him from dying of embarrassment. 
A thousand thoughts are running through his head all at once. Is this a joke? What is Sakura-chan doing here? What about Menma? Should he turn around and walk out like nothing happened?
However she glances up at him with those lovely eyes of hers and Sasuke cannot help but blurt out the most pressing thing tumbling around in his short-circuiting brain. 
“I thought you wanted to get married for love?!”
 Not missing a beat, “Good morning to you too, Sasuke. I see you know how to impress a lady.”
Sasuke wonders if he can throw himself out the window.
But his pride dictates that he cannot embarrass himself anymore in front of Konoha’s fairest, so he squares up, grits his teeth, and slides into the booth. 
“Don’t change the subject,” taking in her own outfit. White coat and business casual. So it must be clinic day. “Why are you here Sakura-chan?” 
He cannot think of any reason why Sakura would suddenly want to marry him; Sasuke has always considered the greatest tragedy and irony in his life is the fact that the love of his life does not feel the same way. So he waits for her explanation. 
Sakura, to her credit, always is cool and collected and is logical to a fault. She does not shy away from his questioning facing him directly to answer. 
“Your mother asked me to consider a marriage into the Uchiha clan.” 
Sasuke rolls his eyes, “Just because you two get along doesn’t mean you have to humor her, especially when it comes to getting married!”  
She takes a sip of her coffee, now not quite looking at him. Almost guilty. “She told me that if I married either you or Itachi-san, your clan would back my bid for Hokage.”
Anger bubbles in his stomach. Envy burns down his throat. Betrayal is bitter on his tongue. It is one thing for his mother to meddle in his life, it’s another for Sakura to be so callous as to use his love for power. 
“Why are you meeting me then?”  His brother might be a flighty vagabond, but Itachi is the heir and he is the spare. 
She seems to understand what he is truly asking. “Sasuke, you are a rising star in the Konoha. The people of this village trust you greatly.”
“You can’t stand me.”
“You’re annoying but I don’t hate you.” She smiles sadly, as if enjoying a particularly cruel joke. “I don’t think I could hate you, truly.”
“Sakura-chan, with all due respect, between your father and the Fifth’s recommendation, I don’t think you need my family at all.”  
Sasuke takes a deep calming breath to hide his frustration, trying to act nonchalant, “But if you still want to get hitched Kitten, I’m all for it.” He even throws in a lighthearted wink. 
She ignores his last comment. “My father and Tsunade-shishou are popular with the people, but the council is not fond of either of them. Too peace loving apparently.”
“My family isn’t very popular with the council either.” 
“But the Uchiha clan is one of the oldest clans in Konoha, its influence is enough to convince other families. Enough to over rule the council.” Sakura smiles wryly, “In return, the Uchiha clan will have ties with the Hokage office. Think of it as a strategic alliance.”
This is just like Sakura, cold and calculating. Sasuke does not hate it; her ambitions are part of her charm.
“What’s in it for me then?”
“If you do accept, your parents would be satisfied you are an upstanding, successful citizen and will no longer have any right prying in your affairs.” 
He doubts that it would stop them but allows her to continue, “I also don’t plan to…interfere with your extramarital activities.” Sasuke begins to feel a sense of dread as Sakura continues, “A marriage of convenience if you will.” 
This is his boiling point and he finds himself shouting. 
“No, it’s a sham! How you could have completely given up on love?!” 
Sakura is a woman who has always been loved shallowly and one can only be the object of admiration for long before realizing  it’s only empty reverence. The one thing she always craved is the unconditional love she lost so long ago along when her parents passed.  Sasuke cannot believe Sakura can give up that so easily. 
“You’re the one who doesn’t understand anything Charasuke!” She is now equally angry, “Do you think I want to use my husband’s name to get the Hokage’s seat!? How everything I’ve spent my life working for amounts to nothing in the eyes of the council?! ”
“It doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own happiness for this!” Because even now, even though his affections for her are unyielding and painful and true, he just wants her to be happy. 
To find love and be loved, even if it isn’t with him.
“I’m running out of time!” She is shaking now, in anger, in frustration, in a hopelessness Sasuke has never seen. “Tsunade -shishou told me that the council is considering making Menma the Hokage after she retires.”
“Menma? What? He can barely carry conversation!” And he is impulsive. Just as likely to start a war as he is to end it. 
Sakura looks sick, “Menma has a strong shinobi, but that’s all he is. He is not suited for politics. He only knows how to end conflicts with shows of strength.”
“Do you really think that Menma will actually accept the position?” Because regardless of their disagreements, Menma is still his best friend. Menma isn’t the type to seek power wantonly. 
“Maybe, maybe not. But he is now married to the Hyuuga family. And you know how easily he can be influenced.”
Sasuke wants to defend his friend’s honor but he admits she has a point.
“So when your mother came to me about this...I don’t know I just thought this might be my only chance. 
I know this is unfair to you, which is why we can just pretend to be a married couple in name only. You are under no obligation to change your ways Sasuke.”  
Sakura is resigned to her fate to a supposedly loveless marriage and Sasuke hates it. 
“But I cannot let Menma and the council turn this village into a battlefield. I cannot let them ruin my parent’s legacy.” 
This is insane. It’s not right. She may be the logical one, but he has always been the romantic. 
This is not at all how he imagines their life together would be. 
Sakura takes in his uncharacteristic silence as the end of the conversation and gathers her things. 
“You don’t have to answer me right now, just think about it.” And with that she departs, leaving him alone in the booth. 
---
Sasuke has always pretended that his family’s obvious favoritism and Sakura’s indifference towards him, never bothered him. 
He distracts himself with pretty girls and pretty flowers. But really, he just does not have the courage to face the reality of being the fallback and second place. 
That no matter what he does or how hard he works, he will never measure up to the Uchiha’s prodigal son or even his best friend. 
He just wants someone to look at him and only him.
And maybe that's why he has always been so drawn to Sakura, the daughter of fallen heroes. 
Because maybe she just also wanted someone to see her tears. To realize what was underneath her facade. 
The pretty girl who cries when she is alone so she doesn’t bother anyone else, yet in front of the rest of the world is the image of stunning grace and confidence. Who heals him when he bleeds and listens to him when he cannot bear the expectations of his family anymore. 
He admires her bravery. He falls for her kindness. 
Sasuke loves her, he has for a long time. 
He wonders if she knows this. 
And so that’s why he is waiting outside the clinic later that afternoon, in his best clothes, clean shaven, with a bouquet of lavender flowers. 
No more pretenses. 
He will give her his name, the world, and their marriage will be anything but loveless. He will make sure of it.
A/N: This was an AU of another AU WIP that went of the rails. Thank you for reading! Happy SSM20 and stay safe!
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hela-of-ren · 6 years
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Blood Heritage
Request: abbygracehamiltonsolo Y/N is the daughter of Supreme Leader Snoke but, after failing to please her father with her barely controlled power, she runs away at a young age and becomes fast friends/lovers with a young Jedi named Ben Solo. Once Ben turns dark, however, Y/N realizes that she might be his only hope of escape from her fathers clutches. Even if saving him might reveal the terrible secret of her parentage to the galaxy.   P.S. Thanks!! I ADORE your writing!! <3
My beautiful friend I am so sorry this took so long! My inbox was disheveled and a lot of things got swallowed into the void. BUT I GOTCHU BOO. I altered this a little bit to go with TLJ but it’s got the same idea, just added on that reader came back with Ben to the First Order to watch over him (which Snoke knows) but he keeps her heritage a secret as leverage over her. ENJOY LOVE <3
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The air was thick with tension and had been so for the past few days, ever since Kylo had been defeated by the scavenger. You had flown a fighter onto the snowy terrain and half carried him back to safety; the wound on his face cutting much deeper than skin and muscle.
You had a bond with Kylo that ran just as deep, one which was forged when the both of you were more innocent so to say. You clutched the kyber crystal choker that hung tight around your neck all the more at the thought.
You were born to a nameless mother, one who had been used to breed a powerful heir and nothing more. But your father...your father was in fact Supreme Leader Snoke himself.
He had always hoped to hone you as a weapon for the first order, a powerful being that could bring his enemies to their knees without breaking a sweat. Everything had been going according to plan until Snoke underestimated just how much power you had.
Your power was nothing short of extraordinary, but the amount of control it took to hone it was exhausting and Snoke was no where near a gentle father. He preyed on your fear and failure in order to push you, succeeding one night in pushing you too far.
You ended up destroying a whole chunk of the base he had established, killing hundreds in the wake of your loss of control. With the last bit of strength you had you managed to find a small ship and put it int autopilot, programing it so that it took you to the nearest planet.
That was how you met Kylo...well, Ben at the time.
He had been the one to find your ship with his then master, Luke Skywalker. He had come to your bedside each day trying to get you to talk to him, sensing your fear and loneliness as if it were his own.
Unbeknownst to Ben, Luke had sensed the deep yet dark power within you. Disappearing into the kyber caves for a few days before coming back with a thin kyber encrusted choker. He had explained that your power seemed to be untrained and unbalanced and that this necklace would help to balance and allow the energy to flow easier.
Since then, you had never taken it off in fear of losing control again.
Through it all, you had stayed close to Ben, always afraid to get close to anyone else. He always made you feel safe yet confident whenever you trained with him; never allowing you to feel insignificant or weak.
As the months rolled by, Ben confided in you that he had been hearing voices since he could remember; voices that promised power and freedom and whispered of his darkest fears.
You knew all too well who had such tendencies to speak with such darkness, but you couldn’t reveal your parentage to Ben. He was all you had now and you couldn’t lose that.
When the destruction of the Jedi temple took place you stayed by him, knowing exactly where he would go once all was said and done. You didn’t want to be anywhere near Snoke, but you would never allow yourself to abandon Ben in fear of losing him to the darkness forever.
Snoke had secretly welcomed you back with more than a few punishments, keeping the secret of your parentage as a form of leverage over you. It was worth it as long as Ben...Kylo never looked at you with the fear everyone else had.
You stood off to the side in the medical room as a few medi bots attended to his face, his eyes set in a stony glare and his jaw clenched. He waved the bots away after a while and rested his elbows on his knees.
“I’ve made a connection with the scavenger.” He finally broke the silence.
“How is that possible?” You furrowed your brow.
“I don’t know...but I plan to take advantage of her naive nature, she’ll be here within a few hours if we’re lucky.”
“Kylo, I don’t understand-”
“I need her power to destroy Snoke, she is the perfect distraction to Snoke’s arrogance.”
“But Kylo-”
“DO NOT QUESTION ME. I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.” You flinched and felt yourself turn cold at his tone. You nodded with a cool expression.
“Forgive me, Commander. It seems I’ve been enough of a bother.” You turned to the exit with the intent of finding the nearest training dummy and taking your anger out on it.
“Wait, Y/N-” You stopped as you felt the force reach out in a gentle hold around your hand, turning to look at his defeated expression, “I’m sorry...please...” He reached out his hand and you felt your walls crumbling. You made your way back to him until he could reach his arms around you in a tight hold, his head resting on your chest.
You reached up until you could card your fingers through his hair, sending calming waves through the force.
“You’re the last person I want to lose my temper at...I- I can’t lose you.” he whispered. You sighed and scratched at the base of his skull.
“I know you’re angry, Kylo. I also know that you’re brilliant when you set aside your feelings and think with clarity,” You tilted his chin up, “You will succeed and I will be by your side as always.” You finished by placing your forehead on his, Kylo closing his eyes and wrapping his arms tighter around you.
“Always.”
Your hands were clasped firmly behind your back as you stared at the back of the girl- Rey’s head. Kylo had warned you that she would most likely use his old name in the belief that she could bring him back to the light.
A ridiculous notion, really.
Did she really think it would be so easy and that she would be the one to do it? Foolish little girl indeed. You zoned back in when you noticed that she was now much closer to Kylo than you were comfortable with, her eyes imploring. Just  as it seemed he would respond, the doors opened to Snoke’s throne room.
You knelt behind Kylo in a move that showed Snoke respect yet still allowed you to keep an eye on him. In the blink of an eye, Snoke had Rey up in the air as if she was nothing more than a spec of dust. Her screams echoed in the vast room and you suddenly found yourself remembering the feeling of being suspended, your mind assaulted by the man you called father.
A shiver ran down your spine as Snoke’s eyes fell on you.
“Oh yes, this disturbs you doesn’t it Y/N?” His voice had you turning your eyes down, “Look at me.” With that you felt your face forcefully lifted and locked in place. “Such disrespect.” He flicked his fingers until you too were lifted from the ground.
You could sense the smallest bit of worry and anxiety come from Kylo, but unfortunately, so could Snoke.
“Did she ever tell you where she came from, Ren? How she ever crossed your path in the first place?” He sneered as you struggled in his grasp, “Why do you think she posseses so much power yet never truly uses the full extent of it?” You clawed at the invisible hands at your throat.
“Supreme Leader-” Kylo tried to intercept, but was cut off.
“She was and has always been my daughter, my greatest failure.” The truth washed over the room and Kylo felt his eyes widen. “She ran like a coward when I unlocked her true potential,but luckily, her path led straight to you my apprentice.” Kylo looked at you as you struggled to breathe. “But I won’t make the same mistake again, you my child, are a lost cause that I cannot afford to fail me again.” He began to close his hand into a fist as you felt blood begin to leak from one of your ears, a piercing scream outmatching the scavenger.
Kylo felt his heart stop and sprung into action.
“NO-” Kylo felt his body freeze as he tried to attack Snoke, the alien’s cold eyes piercing him.
“Sentiment. A foolish notion, one that I will not suffer from the likes of you.” Snoke made to kill Kylo once and for all, the man falling to his knees in pain as his mind was plundered. You felt Snoke focus more on Kylo and relieve some of the pain you felt, your eye drifting to his dark form writhing in pain.
In that moment all you saw was Kylo in pain, something you had always tried to protect him from and at the end of that pain was Snoke.
Snoke.
You felt the choker around your neck heat up as your power grew and boiled beneath the surface, Kylo’s screams fueling it. The crystals began to crack at the anger you felt, a blinding fury pulsing in your veins as multiple objects began to levitate and shake. Snoke chose that moment to look back at you in surprise.
“Don’t touch him...” You growled out.
“What did you say?” He asked in outrage. You glared even deeper into his eyes as the choker began to loosen and break.
“Don’t you dare TOUCH HIM.” Your voice broke out in a yell as your power reached its peak, a blinding wave of orange light exploding around you and dropping Snoke’s control on everyone. Beams of flame swept through the guards like an inferno as the floor ripped form beneath you and flew in multiple directions; your scream of rage echoing in the room.
You felt yourself fall to the ground in a heap as smoke blurred your vision, a distant voice calling for you.
“Y/N! Y/N!” You could almost make out the deep timbre and worry until a black mass obscured your vision and engulfed you. “Y/N, Y/N look at me. Open your eyes, I have you, it’s alright.” That was Kylo’s voice you found yourself thinking as you struggled to see.
You finally opened them the slightest bit to see Kylo’s strained yet worried face above you, his eyes flickering over every inch of you in concern.
“Kylo? You’re okay...” You managed to whisper out. You coughed into his chest with a gasp at the feeling of your power completely unleased, “W-where is Snoke, h-he-” You were cut off as you glanced at the throne now cleared of smoke.
There sat your father, shrapnel embedded in every inch of his body as well as a thin piece of glass sliced into his waist; his body eventually giving out and half falling onto the floor. Kylo cupped the back of your head and pulled you into his chest.
“Don’t look.” He spoke gently to you and picked you up bridal style.
“BEN!” The scavenger yelled from behind the two of you, stopping Kylo in his tracks, “Please, come back with me. You still have a ch-” He cut her off abruptly.
“You will leave now if you know what’s good for you.” His command was low and lined with warning. She took a step closer in an attempt to try once more until he turned with you in his arms to look at her. “LEAVE,” He yelled, her face freezing in shock before she rushed off.
Kylo adjusted you in his arms and sat down by the elevator with you, keeping your head tucked into his neck as his eyes closed in exhaustion.
“I know what you’re thinking,” He broke you from your exhaustion, “Do I wish I would have known the truth about Snoke earlier? I do, if only to prevent you from ever coming back here at all.” He mumbled, “But that dooesn’t change how I feel about you, nothing ever will.” He ended with a gentle kiss to your forehead.
“My p-power-” You rasped out.
“I will help you, you will never need to hide with me. You will control it and when you do, everyone will fear the name of Y/N, Empress Ren.” You closed your eyes, trusting in Kylo and everything he made you feel.
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