#i think io did the best possible job telling a story about that kind of thing though haha
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have you played Flesh, Blood, and Concrete by io? it's a little free horror game on itchio it seems like the kind of thing you'd be into
Yes of course!! it really touched my heart : ) im a huge rpgmaker horror buff & me and io were mutauls for a long time back when iwas a kid so it's been really crazy to see them finishing a passion project and being recognized for their work & like, the renown is fully deserved, its definitely one of the best rpgmaker projects in recent history and probably one of my favorite rpgmaker horror games ever released up there w/ your Ib and your witchs house and such. flawless art direction as expected of io, beautiful concept, really touching prose, & just altogether a really touching story.. if anyone here hasn't played it yet i highly recommend it
#I assume this was prompted by the drawing of paula i posted last night#ive kind of always been fascintaed with the conept of a building or room with writhing breathing living morphing organs composing the#infrastructure. i've always wanted to make a story about it#i think io did the best possible job telling a story about that kind of thing though haha#im really glad to see it. loved this game
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advocate.
Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader
a joyful future fic
a/n: the very first part of ajf! the beginning of our story! oh my goodness! this got a little long, but there was a lot i wanted to pack in here. thank you all for your patience as i worked through this <3 i’ve got some fun graphics in here for you - open them for best quality!
words: 8.45k
warnings: language, alcohol use, canon-typical descriptions of injury and violence, mention of suicide
summary: “our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.” - oscar wilde. au!july-september 2007
masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | requests closed!
“Director Shepard?”
You approach her, feeling very young, with a question and a smile.
She turns, smiling at you softly. “Yes?”
Her lecture was immaculate - she covered a broad swath of topics - being the first female director of NCIS, her history in international relations and liaison work with British and Israeli intelligence - all of which paved a bit of a roadmap for success in federal law enforcement.
You introduce yourself and shake her hand. “I’ve gotta tell you it was a challenge to choose between agencies in my applications, I admire your work both as an agent and director of NCIS and I was wondering…”
You lose your nerve a bit, but steel yourself again and ask.
“... Would you be willing to meet with me and talk about your career trajectory a little more?”
There’s a light in her eyes as she studies you with a kind of supreme benevolence and gentleness. “I would.”
+++
“Alright,” she says, setting her napkin in her lap. “What do you want to know?”
You laugh a little, “Is everything a good place to start?”
She laughs, and you’re immediately drawn to her warmth. There’s a kind of fire in her, and it doesn’t just come from her hair. “Not at all. Though I’ll give you some unsolicited advice now, to save some time. Find someone you can follow, someone you can learn from.”
She goes on to tell you about her mentor, still on the Major Case Response Team under her purview at NCIS. Though she’s his boss now, she tells you that she still goes to him for advice, for friendship.
“Trusting the people you work with always comes first. It’s not always possible, but when you can manage it. It makes everything better. Always protect them where you can, and don’t ignore the politics”
You do everything except take notes as she tells more stories, how she’s switched from “probie” to Agent to diplomat to Director, before she turns back to you.
“Do you know which unit you’re interested in, yet?”
You shake your head. “Not yet. I’m hoping I’ll have a better idea when the Quantico unit chiefs start coming in to lecture. I’m hoping one of them will catch my interest.”
“Great idea. When one of them does, give me a call. I think any unit could benefit from someone like you.”
+++
Agents Hotchner, Morgan, and Gideon have your attention the moment they step into the room. They’re confident, with a sharp kind of intelligence you admire.
The world of the BAU is fascinating. Serial killers, sex criminals, the very worst of depraved humanity is their everyday. While it sounds somewhat horrifying, it compels you.
Agent Hotchner especially catches your attention. He’s confident in a kind of serious, bladed way. Clearly intelligent, he commands the attention of everyone in the room and effortlessly wields his authority among curious students and his fellow agents.
You’d think Agent Gideon would be the obvious leader, what with all his years of experience and seniority, but even with his grasp of a field he shaped, he doesn’t hold a candle to Hotchner.
With your half-hour-old knowledge, you put together a quick profile of the remaining figure.
Agent Morgan, while strong and clearly an alpha male, brings a skepticism with him. It hangs in the air around him and seems to apply to both of his colleagues. There’s something about Agent Gideon that makes him uneasy, distrustful. He tends to shift his weight away from him when they get too close to each other.
He’s not overt about his skepticism regarding Agent Hotchner, but you get the idea there’s more under the surface you couldn’t possibly know just by studying his behavior in a lecture hall.
This is fun.
You hide your smile in your notebook, jotting down a couple of notes as Agent Gideon continues his “brief overview of profile-driven serial killer arrests.”
+++.
“Director Shepard’s office.”
“Hi Cynthia,” you greet her secretary. “Is Director Shepard in?”
She connects you, and you ask about the BAU.
“Is Jason Gideon still the unit chief over there?” She asks. You can already hear her typing and you’re more than a little concerned about her tenacity in this moment.
“No, ma’am, it’s Agent Hotchner, now.”
“Perfect.”
+++
+++
You’re called into SSA Radner’s office the following Monday to “discuss some changes to your academy courses.”
That doesn’t sound good.
SSA Radner, an imposing and intimidating woman, is the SSAIC in charge of your NAT class - the person in charge of your collective fates.
No pressure.
She opens the door when you knock, gesturing to the chair on the other side of her desk. “Please, have a seat.”
You chuckle nervously. “Thanks, Agent Radner.” You note her little smile as she sits at her desk, and chance a question. “Have I done something, I dunno, wrong? We don’t seem to find much good news in the SAIC’s office at my rank.”
That pulls a laugh from her. “I wouldn't worry too much. I have a proposition for you. It’s...unusual, but not unheard of.”
Your brow crumples a little and she exhales.
“It might actually be better if - yeah. Hold on.” She clicks her intercom and her assistant chirps from the other side.
“Yes ma’am?”
“Please send them in. I’d like to do a joint briefing.”
Joint briefing? What is this, the third invasion of Iraq?
The door opens behind you and you whip around, finding Agent Hotchner and IOS Section Chief Erin Strauss.
What the fuck?
Either you’ve done something terrible or insane and you’re not sure which.
Chief Strauss addresses you first, shaking your hand. You introduce yourself for good measure but have a feeling she already knows who you are.
“It’s come to our attention that you have ambitious interests and are taking exceptional steps to make the most of your education and training at the academy. Is this a fair assessment?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Agent Hotchner steps forward, sort of looming over you with something that isn’t quite a stern look. You take his hand when he offers, introducing yourself and ignoring the jolt of energy that shoots up your arm at his touch.
His handshake is firm, his hands dry and warm. He looks different up close, younger, maybe. There’s the barest touch of grey at his temples, the beginnings of lines around his mouth and eyes.
Not what I expected.
What did you expect?
How old could he be? Thirty-five, maybe?
Shut up.
He’s handsome.
Shut up!
His face relaxes a little bit before he speaks. “Director Shepard, a close professional colleague, has been a staunch advocate for you and your talents. She approached me about taking you on, giving you case hours in lieu of some coursework.”
“You’d have some catching up to do, as it’s already three weeks into your twenty, and we’d transfer you into the profiling classes,” Agent Radner adds. “But with your diligence, I doubt you’ll have trouble with the added workload.”
“No, ma’am. That should be fine. But,” you look between the three of them, “what does ‘case hours in lieu of some coursework’ mean, exactly?”
“You’d be on assignment with the BAU until you received your formal assignment following successful completion of the academy, with the possibility of assignment with the BAU as a full-fledged agent.” Chief Strauss rattles off the information as if it’s the thousandth time she’s said it.
It might be.
You can’t even fathom how much effort and time must have gone into this decision. The realization leaves you speechless.
She prompts you again. “Does that sound like an opportunity in which you’d be interested?”
“Oh, yes, ma’am.” You feel a little stupid, but you’re rewarded with a proud smile from Agent Radner.
You could also swear you saw a twitch of Agent Hotchner’s lips, but he doesn’t seem to be a man who smiles much.
+++
“So this’ll be your desk,” Agent Jennifer-but-my-friends-call-me-JJ Jareau says, pointing to one of the many desks in the bullpen.
You set your bag down with a little smile, feeling more than a little overwhelmed.
Agent Morgan pats your shoulder as he passes your desk. “You’ll do just fine, kid. Ready for a case briefing in ten?”
“Sure.”
His blinding smile eats up his whole face and you like him already. He’s different than you thought he’d be, but you still don’t think your preliminary profile was too far off.
Agent Gideon, still holed up in his office, has yet to acknowledge you.
Your eyes keep wandering to the open blinds, behind which Agent Hotchner and a woman you understand to be his wife have a quiet, apparently heated argument on either side of his desk. Except for the tight set of her mouth and the angry glint in her eye, she seems lovely.
Derek follows your gaze. “Wasn’t always like that.”
You look at him, a little furrow in your brow.
Should he be telling me this?
“She’s not always here either, but their son, Jack, has been sick, so it’s been… tense.” Derek shakes his head. “You wouldn’t catch me married in this job, not once.”
That pulls a laugh from you.
Emily, sitting at the desk beside you, turns in her chair. “Remind me to drink to that later.”
Derek snorts and picks up a couple of files, headed up to the round table room.
+++
Your first case briefing is, well...brief. The case seems fairly straightforward and you run through relevant vocabulary while JJ outlines the case details.
Preferential offender, keeps his victims for no more than three days, victims found in public places.
He wants them found, and fast.
Need-based, maybe? What are his priors?
You’re all dismissed with a brisk, “Wheels up in thirty.”
You pack your things a little slower than probably called for. Hotch disappears into his office again, closing the door behind him. When you pass the window, his wife is tucked under his chin.
Hotch’s eyes flicker to yours and you quickly train your gaze on the floor, hustling down the stairs.
+++
You land next to each other when you board the plane. You do your best to avoid taking anyone's assigned seat.
With a team of this size, you can only assume they have such things.
And they do.
Gideon, Spencer, Morgan, and Prentiss take a seat at the table while JJ perches on the arm of the couch.
Hotch settles at the informal “head” of the table, leaning on the chairs across the aisle. You take a seat in one of the chairs in the row next to him, trying to stay out of the way.
“C’mere, kid,” Derek says, beckoning you forward. “You’re on this team.”
You shuffle forward in your seat, leaning forward with your elbows on your knees and case file open in your hands. “I’m ready.”
JJ smiles at you, and you almost feel comfortable.
+++
You end up alone with Hotch in the precinct conference room after you land, unboxing files and sorting them for Spencer. Until you know enough to make yourself useful, you’ve made it your mission to handle the tedious and the clerical.
Hotch pauses every once in a while as if he wants to say something. You continue on your way. When he’s ready, he’ll stop you.
“I’m sorry about earlier. My wife, Haley, she -”
You look up, waving him off with a little smile. “It’s okay, Hotch. It’s none of my business.”
He looks at you for a minute, studying your face with a bit of a squint. “You mean that.”
It’s not a question.
You’re confused.
“Of course.” A nervous laugh leaves you. “I mean, you’re welcome to tell me if you want, but it’s nothing I need to speculate or gossip about or, God forbid, profile.”
The shock and relief war on his face until it settles back into something that looks like his usual severity, but a little softer. He doesn't say anything else, but you have the sneaking suspicion you passed a test neither one of you prepared for.
Spencer and Emily return from their trip to the medical examiner’s office.
“Who organized these?” Spencer asks, pointing at the neat piles you made.
“Me.” You look up from another box you’re working on. “Would it be helpful if they’re sorted another way? I went chronologically and then by number and type of offenses, with preferential offenders that match the M.O. on top, when possible.”
Emily, Hotch, and Spencer freeze, staring at you like you grew another head in front of them.
You’re suddenly and violently self-conscious. “What?”
Spencer snaps out of it first, shaking his head and picking up a stack. “Nothing that’s just...um…”
“Exactly right,” Emily supplies. She glances at Hotch before looking back at you. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
Hotch is the last to break, but the curious little glances he keeps throwing your way always linger a little too long.
To your credit, you ignore them.
+++
“So, how are you liking it so far?” Derek slides into the driver’s seat and rolls out of the parking lot.
You’re headed to another witness’s house under direct orders to observe and as a few (carefully directed) questions. Derek insisted on bringing you himself while the others keep busy with something else.
“I’m liking it,” you reply.
He laughs. “Coulda fooled me.”
You screw up your face and look over at him. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” he says through a laugh, “when you’re not making yourself ridiculously useful, you look terrified.”
“I am terrified.”
“Nothin’ to be scared of as long as you keep asking questions,” he says.
It’s almost like he doesn’t know how ridiculous he sounds.
“You’re joking, right?” You turn to face him, shifting in your seat. “Agent Morgan -”
He cuts you off. You’re pretty sure that’s just how he is - he interrupts the other members of the team frequently and fearlessly. “- Derek. Or Morgan.”
“Fine. Morgan, you have to know that your team is legendary. I don’t even know why -”
“- Don’t say it.” He flags his hand before putting it back on the wheel. “You’re here for a reason, and none of us are going to let you fall so hard you can’t pick yourself up, okay?” He glances over, meeting your eyes. “We’ve got your back.”
You quirk a smile. “Thanks.”
“And,” he adds, “Hotch seems to like you alright. That’s half the battle.”
“What’s the other half?”
He snorts. “Gideon. And local law enforcement.”
+++
You settle in a little easier after that. JJ’s your next target as you help her make some calls to the D.A.’s office.
You hang up and take a breath, slumping back in your chair. It’s been a long day already and it’s not even lunchtime.
“Hanging in there?” JJ asks, smiling at you over her files.
You nod. “Yeah. Just a… different kind of energy than the academy, I think.”
“I felt that way when I got here, too. Gideon was unit chief back then and Spence had just started, too.” She huffs a laugh. “It was a little easier when there were more newbies, but then…” Her face clouds over and she shakes her head.
“Then...what?”
She looks up at you and her mouth twists. “Boston.”
+++
“Hey, Derek?”
“Yeah?” He keeps his eyes on the road, but he can hear the trepidation in your voice.
The dark interior of the car feels safe in the early hours of the morning, headed back to the hotel. “You said I could ask you anything, right?”
His eyebrows pinch. “Shoot.”
“What happened in Boston?”
Derek takes a breath and lets it out in a whoosh. “I wasn’t there. I was supposed to be there.”
You wait on him, watching him watch the road.
“Unsub holed himself up in a massive warehouse. Gideon called in all the support he could - A Team, B Team, SWAT, the whole nine. I was visiting my mom in Chicago for her birthday like I do every year.”
He stops at a red light, and you take a moment to look past him into the adjacent SUV, where Emily and Hotch’s profiles rest in a statuesque silhouette, backlit by the streetlamp.
“It was a trap from the start. Everyone pushed in on Gideon’s order and the whole thing just…” He tosses his hand up and it lands with a smack on the leather steering wheel. “It just went up. Boom. Six BAU agents in our unit, dead, just like that. Had to rebuild from scratch.”
You shiver, though the car is warm. “I’m so sorry, Derek.”
He shrugs. “Gideon took six months off, Hotch took over. Gideon came back, Hotch stayed up front.” He smiles a little. “Haley wasn’t happy, but that’s the job.”
Why does it always come back to Haley? To Hotch?
Because he’s the unit chief.
I know but…
Don’t read into it.
You decide to push, just because it’s Derek, because he seems to know, because you feel safe with him, because it might be a mistake. “Is that what you meant?”
“Hm?” His head turns just a little toward you, his brow furrowed.
“You told me on my first day ‘It wasn’t always like this.’ Is that what you meant?”
“No sane man would take on the unit chief position with a wife and baby on the way.” He shrugs and with a secret little smile says, “But nobody ever accused Hotch of being sane.”
+++
Aaron sits in front of his computer, the end of his pen tapping on the glossy wood of his desk.
Does he have feedback? He’s not sure.
Even with your limited knowledge, you’ve managed to optimize most of the administrative bullshit and political nonsense that clogs most local investigations. You bounce between acting as his shadow and JJ’s, making friends and soothing hurts when toes inevitably get stepped on.
You’ve immediately adapted to his style of criticism and correction, using Derek and Spencer as guide-rails when you’re not sure where you’re going.
There’s nothing to complain about.
But then again…
Feedback isn’t just about the negative.
If he’s honest with himself, he knows he won’t shower you in the glowing praise you deserve. Gideon never did for him or anyone that came after.
It’s not in their nature, or his.
He starts to type.
Glancing out his office window, his eyes find you hunched over your desk, poring over one of Spencer’s notebooks, a pinch in your brow as deep as the Grand Canyon.
You work hard, impossibly hard. You throw everything you have at your work in the field while managing your courses and keeping up with your classmates.
That in mind, he drafts an email to Jenny.
With a sigh, he sends it.
He’s still thinking of what you said on the last case, the genuine truth of it, and how many times he has done his best to preempt the gossip that plagues this office, no matter who it’s about.
This unit, as much of a family as it may be, constantly wraps itself in the business of everyone else. To know you couldn’t give less of a shit about his marriage when the rest of the team (save Gideon) probably has money on when Haley calls it quits is, admittedly, refreshing.
+++
After being in the field, classes take on a new kind of banality. You’re keeping up well enough, but watching Gideon and Derek quarrel over the details of a profile beats diving into the techniques - you guessed it - Gideon developed from cases past.
Hotch and Garcia were gracious enough to CC you on emails while you were grounded at the academy, but it wasn’t the same.
It was hard not to feel left behind, like the last kid chosen for dodgeball in PE class, watching the rest of the unit leave the office. You hung back in the bullpen as long as you could find something to do this morning, making it to class at the very last minute.
Even after lectures, your classmates want nothing more than your attention. You’re suddenly consulting on three different practicals and never have a lunch to yourself.
Most afternoons, you sneak into the bullpen just for some peace and quiet.
You hear your last name and look up, finding Erin Strauss approaching you. You stand. “Ma’am.”
“What are you working on?”
You look down at your desk, finding practical and theoretical exam notes shuffled around next to mock consults and other nonsense Hotch dropped on his way to the jet earlier in the week. “Course work, mostly. It’s nice to… get away every once in a while.”
Erin nods with a little smile. “I’d imagine you’ve been pretty popular lately.”
You shrug, a little facetious. “You could say that.”
She pays your shoulder in a surprisingly maternal gesture, before wishing you luck and leaving you to your work.
At this point, you can’t even imagine just being an FBI agent.
+++
You’ve just closed your burning, tired eyes when your phone rings.
You answer, your last name a grumble into the mic.
“It’s Hotch.”
You sit up straight in bed, immediately awake. “Sorry, sir, I -“
“I should apologize. I don’t mean to interrupt your studying or wake you but I think I could use your opinion on this profile.”
You frown in the dark, flipping your desk lamp on. “My help, sir?”
“Yeah.” He heaves a sigh and you can almost see the fingers pressed to the bridge of his nose. “I’ve been looking at it too long.”
“Maybe Derek, can -“
“No. You. Here, listen -“
He rattles off the details of the case and you snatch your notebook and pen off the desk, jotting things down as Hotch continues through the case.
“Have you identified and contacted local individuals who fit the victimology, taken steps to protect them? He’s a preferential offender with a predictable cooling-off period, right?”
For some reason, this isn’t half as exhausting as the practical exam practice you’d been working on for the last five hours. You may or may not have written those exact questions about fifteen times, but it’s far less exhausting when directed at Hotch.
“Yeah. Two high-risk victims are in protective custody and JJ’s been in touch since this morning.”
You go through a few more basic questions, getting your feet under you, before asking the one you’re really after.
“Sir, why did you call me?”
“I needed another set of eyes.”
You huff a laugh. “No, I gathered that, but why did you call me? I’m in the middle of learning about something you’ve been doing for…” You search for a number, but your brain is fried.
“Too long,” he supplies.
“Sure. But my point stands.”
“That it does.” Something creaks in the background and you imagine he’s leaned back in his chair.
“Did I help?” You’re happy he can’t see your dubious, if not entirely doubtful, expression.
He’s happy you can’t see the little fond smile on his face. “Yes, actually. You did.”
+++
“Wheels up in thirty.”
You all stand from the table and start your routines. Emily and Spencer make a beeline for the coffee machine while JJ jets back to her office for contact sheets and files and all manner of coordinating materials.
Derek’s routine is simple enough - he already has his coffee and his go bag, so he’s answering a few emails before wheels up.
You never really know what to do during this liminal space, so you stick to classwork.
Much to your surprise, you’ve shot ahead in your classes on the shoulders of Derek and Spencer. They’ve been monumentally helpful with the history and application of profiling techniques (though much of Derek’s advice has been ‘just watch Gideon,’ you’re not sure how to watch a process that takes place entirely inside the man’s head).
You ride with Hotch to the airstrip, looking out the window most of the way. It’s only a five minute drive, but the tree-lined roads around Quantico are always lovely this time of the morning.
As always, you do your best to stay out of the way on the plane, taking up residence on Hotch’s right with your notebook and case file.
You offer some thoughts here and there, not pushing too much or saying enough to make an ass of yourself.
When Hotch calls break, the rest of the team scatters to their respective corners.
Gideon turns to you, gesturing with one finger. “Hey, ah…”
Spencer chirps your last name from across the cabin and you shoot him a grateful smile.
“Good job in the briefing, today.”
And with that, he disappears to the far side of the cabin, leaving you and Hotch alone by the table.
“Wow,” you say with a little smile. “I didn’t know he was aware of my existence.”
Hotch doesn’t say anything, but his lips twitch.
Success.
+++
“Welcome back, kiddo!” Derek offers you fist and you bump your knuckles against his on your way back to your desk. “How’d those exams go?”
You huff, playing at defeat. “Oh, you know.”
“Don’t worry about it. There’s always next time.”
Hotch, returning from a meeting with Strauss, hardly looks up from the file in his hand when he says, “Well done on your exams. SSA Radner threatened to hang your marksmanship targets on her wall.”
You hide a smile. “Thanks, Hotch.”
“Not fair!” Spencer says, tossing another Tums in his mouth. “I never passed those.”
“Then how on earth do you have that, Reid?” You point at his six-shooter, still clipped to his hip.
“Wait wait wait,” JJ says, dropping her files and crossing her arms. “You haven’t heard that story?”
Your eyes flicker from Derek, to JJ, to Spencer, and back. “...No.”
JJ settles in, regaling you with a wild tale of an L.D.S.K. -
“You remember what that stands for, right?” Derek points at you and you have a feeling this is about to become some kind of pop quiz.
“Yeah. Long Distance Serial Killer.”
“Good. Famous unsubs include…?”
You sit back in your chair with a little smirk on your face. “D.C. Snipers Muhammad and Malvo, active October 2002, seventeen victims total. Apprehended by agents from the FBI Baltimore field office -”
Derek holds up a finger. “And?”
“- and the BAU and the Maryland State Police.”
“Good.”
JJ waits for Derek to nod at her and she continues what you imagine to be a rather embellished version of a story in which Hotch and Reid save the day.
“...And then Hotch just starts kicking the shit out of Spencer -”
Hotch’s office door shuts and he sails down the stairs with one of those little secret smiles. “This one ends with Reid stealing my sidearm and shooting the unsub in the head.” He taps right between his eyebrows in the barest of pauses on his way out of the bullpen. “Dead center.”
Derek and JJ groan, both whining about how he ruined the punchline before devolving into a fit of giggles. You can almost see the smirk on his face as he pushes through the glass door and turns the corner.
You join in the mirth, ruffling Reid’s hair. He smiles widely at you.
Maybe you could just get used to this place.
+++
The second round of classes on top of added case hours (you’re traveling with the unit more often than not) nearly brings you to the brink.
On the plane back to Quantico, you realize you can’t remember the last time you actually had a full night of sleep.
The rest of the unit is out cold, curled into themselves or stretched out under blankets, save for Hotch and Gideon.
Gideon’s writing in that wretched notebook again, entirely focused on his work under the weak reading light.
Aaron sits beside you on the other side of the cabin, looking over a few files before returning home. You watch him check his watch, sigh, shrug, and pull out his phone. To your surprise, he doesn’t move to give himself space as he calls his wife.
“Hey, honey, it’s me… Yeah, we’re on the plane. Should be back within the next hour and a half... “
He sighs and tightly closes his eyes. “Haley, please… Yes, I know Jack’s already asleep… Are you implying I didn’t do my damnedest to - Then what’s your point?...”
His voice never once rises above a low murmur. It’s impressive.
“I’ll be home as soon as I can… No, I won’t pass ‘Go’ or collect two-hundred dollars or step foot into my office… Yes. Plane. Tarmac. Car. Home… Yeah… Love you too.”
He snaps his phone shut and leans back, tipping his head against the headrest.
You stay quiet, continuing your review of S.S.A. Bailey’s course on, ironically, conflict de-escalation.
Hotch takes a talking breath and you look over at him, keeping a kind of soft understanding on your face - really, shooting for anything that isn’t curiosity.
“I appreciate your…” He looks for a word. “Discretion.”
You laugh a little down your nose. “How many times do I have to tell you it’s none of my business?”
“How many times do I have to imply that a phrase like that isn’t in the vocabulary of this team, usually?” He shifts a little, and you notice his thumb, running along his forefinger like he’s searching for bone.
“Is it really that bad?”
Hotch raises his eyebrows, and you relent.
“Fine.” You drop your voice. “Do you want to know what I’ve seen?”
He shrugs. “An outside perspective might be nice.”
You keep your eyes on your book as you speak, keeping your volume low and your tone as neutral as you can.
“I’ve seen how Emily worries about fitting in - I can’t help but relate. This team is a family and it’s… hard to break through that sort-of-wall to the outside world.”
The prickly feeling of his eyes on you isn’t altogether unpleasant, but you still haven’t grown used to it.
“Derek and Spencer are worried about Gideon and,” you glance at him briefly, “so are you. Everyone seems to want to know why, but I don't think that’s always useful.”
Hotch hums once, maybe in agreement - you’re not too sure.
You are sure, though, that this was a test.
“How’d I do, Counselor?”
It’s never too early to invoke the J.D. hanging in a frame behind his desk. It was the first thing you noticed and suddenly, a lot more made sense.
You’re rewarded with a small smile. “Not bad. Though you did forget to drop in the little bit about my marriage.”
“I didn’t forget,” you assure him.
“No?”
“No. I figure if you have something to say, you seem like the kind of person who’d just say it. At least,” you shrug, “that’s my impression.”
He’s quiet for a minute before he squints and looks over your shoulder at your reading. His brown eyes track down the page before returning to yours. He’s close to you, but you’re not uncomfortable.
Hotch is...safe. Somehow.
“There’s a reason you’re the exception. Not sure what it is yet,” he says. “But there’s a reason.”
“What?”
He leans back, a cryptic little smile on his face, and says nothing else for the rest of the flight.
+++
“Hotch, are you sure it’s not a trick question?”
“The questions aren’t designed to trick you,” comes a voice from the doorway. To your surprise, it’s Gideon. “They’re designed to stretch and reveal your instincts. No right answer.”
The corners of his mouth turn down while his eyebrows rise in that kind of halfway-encouraging look he sometimes gets. “Just go with your gut.”
He disappears and you turn back to Hotch, scribbling away in a file.
“He’s right.”
Your brain feels less and less bound to your body as the days pass. “Am I nuts, or is that the most words he’s strung together since I got here, combined?”
What you now know to be a smile twitches at Hotch’s mouth. “You’re not nuts.”
You sigh and turn your attention back to your mock exam, twiddling your pencil between your fingers. “I’m sorry to keep bugging you with homework - it feels like cheating.”
He pulls his phone from his pocket. “Resourcefulness is not cheating. If it was, I’d have to go back and get my J.D. out of a Cracker Jack box.”
You muffle a laugh.
He checks his watch. “I have a check-in with the budget office in five minutes. You’re welcome to stay right where you are, but it’ll be boring and I plan to do a lot of pacing.”
You hold your hands up in surrender and settle in.
Friday afternoons in the office feel a lot like Saturdays in the office - which is to say, nothing happens at all. The rest of the team is catching up on paperwork while Gideon walks laps with his little notebook.
Not three minutes into his conversation, Hotch stands and begins to pace, as promised.
"No, we can't cut the technology budget... Because if the BAU gets called to a remote region, we need to have immediate access to satellite phones and our technical analyst… Yes… Send the budget to the Director, and I'm certain it'll come back approved without changes… The arrest and prosecution rate of this unit is -”
His desk phone rings and he gestures for you to pick it up.
“Agent Hotchner’s office,” you say with more than a little trepidation. You’re definitely not qualified to answer the unit chief’s phone.
“Goddamn it, Aaron why can’t you -” She pauses. “Wait. Sorry. Who is this?”
You introduce yourself. “I’m currently on-assignment with the unit. It’s… unconventional.”
“Hm. Why are you answering Aaron’s phone?” Her tone isn’t accusatory - it’s more curious than that. You’d imagine this doesn’t happen all that often. He’s either at his desk, or he’s not at his desk.
She calls him Aaron.
You’re not sure why that surprises you. They’re married, and he has a first name.
Taking a look across the room, you watch Hotch’s profile as he continues to defend the budget he submitted.
Aaron.
You make an attempt to see the man behind the suit, the man who goes home to his wife and son when he can.
“I’m using his office to study for my academy exams. I’ll see if I can reach Agent Hotchner for you. Just a second.”
She snorts something that could be a laugh if it wasn’t so sharp. “Thanks.”
Hotch looks over and squints at you, mouthing, Who is it?
You put her on hold and answer in a stage whisper. “It’s your wife.”
Hotch freezes for just a second - it almost looks like he’s rebooting.
He blinks three times in rapid succession before he pulls the phone away from his mouth. “Tell her I’m in a meeting. I’ll call her back.” You move to reach for the phone but he holds up a finger and you freeze. “Wait two minutes.”
You follow instructions, taking the time to answer a few more mock exam questions. You try not to think too hard about his avoidance. This doesn’t seem like a particularly pressing phone call - Hotch is in budget meetings all the time.
None of your business.
After about a minute and a half, you pick up the phone again.
Before you can say anything, she’s already back on her mini-rampage. About twenty seconds in, she pauses.
“I’m so sorry. I’m still not talking to my husband, am I?”
De-escalate. Disarm. Establish rapport.
You can do this.
You channel Derek, using a softer tone designed to distract. Maybe you’ll sneak some humor in there, if you can manage it.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Hotchner, he’s not available.”
With a defeated sigh, she asks, flatly, “Where is he?”
Humor. Play off her disappointment.
“I assume he’s in a meeting or something - he likes to think he’s very important - but I can’t find him.”
To your surprise, she laughs a little.
You check with Hotch across the room. He rolls his eyes at you but continues his bickering.
Success.
“Can you just… I don’t know… Tell him I called, or something?”
You try not to think too hard about the defeat in her tone. “I promise I’ll badger him to call you back as soon as he’s back at his desk, ma’am.”
“Wow.” She sounds impressed, and you’re not sure why. You’re not left in suspense for long. She continues -
“You’re a way better liar than JJ. Also - please don’t call me ma’am. Makes me feel old. Haley’s just fine.”
“Of course.”
“You know what…” She asks for your cell number and you give it to her, throwing a glance at Hotch for good measure. He’s still pacing.
He presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose, but can’t say anything to you before he’s forced to respond to the poor budget clerk who drew the short straw. “No we can’t start sharing hotel rooms…”
Haley interrupts your momentary space-out. “Thanks, again. If he doesn’t have a chance to call me back, can you let him know I’m going to my sister’s for the weekend? With Jack?”
“Sure.”
That’s another question I’m not going to ask.
You hang up the phone and get back to your exam, trying not to feel comforted by the lull of familiarity in the room.
+++
For some reason, you keep finding yourself alone in police precincts in the middle of nowhere with Hotch sitting across the table from you.
“Hey,” he says.
You look up.
“Haley, she…” He heaves a sigh and trails off for a minute, frowning at a spot above your head. “I don’t know why I’m asking, what I’m asking.”
You keep your eyes on him. “Shoot.”
He takes another breath. “I don’t know how to make her happy anymore.”
This is above my pay grade.
“Everything I do seems to irritate her - trying, not trying, just surviving. I don’t know.” He shakes his head at your somewhat bewildered expression. “Sorry, I -”
“No, no, Hotch. It’s fine.” You search for his eyes. “What can I do?”
He shakes his head. “Any advice?”
Any advice? Definitely above my pay grade.
You also feel for him - he wouldn’t be asking if he wasn’t desperate.
Besides that, it almost makes sense he’s asking you rather than anyone else on the team. They’ve all known him too long, have been too close to see his struggles clearly. They need to see him as an authority, separate from petty squabbles.
Separate from the things that make him human.
He needs to be a superhero for this team, and then go home and be a superhero for his family. Both parts of his life exist with a wall between them - Agent Hotchner can’t be a husband and a father in the field, and Mr. Haley Hotchner can’t be an agent at home.
It must be lonely.
Everyone else knows about and ignores that necessary separation. He trusts them as his colleagues, people he can rely on professionally, but perhaps not personally.
Well, all except Emily.
You get the feeling that he doesn’t completely trust Emily yet, but you’re not sure why. That’s another thing to figure out about the walking enigma sitting across from you.
“Well… I’ve never been married, I don’t have kids, but I think…” You search for words.
It’s none of my business, is what you want to say.
Instead, you offer, “Why don’t you just ask her?”
His brow crumples. “What?”
“Ask her. You don’t know how to, I dunno, do it right on your own, it sounds like. But you’re a team, right? Just ask her.”
You duck down to your work, getting the feeling he’d rather not be observed as he processes. There’s a part of you that wonders whether his preference for privacy masks his fear.
Another part of you already knows the answer.
+++
Derek and Emily walk back into the precinct, spotting the pair of you right where they left you.
Hotch still watches you with a soft, curious frown on his face, like there’s a puzzle there he can’t quite solve. You diligently work away, sticking flags and post-its on cold cases for the board.
“What’s with that?”
Emily looks up from her phone. “What’s with what?”
Derek nudges his chin toward the conference room. “That.”
Emily’s brow pinches a little. “They seem to be getting along well.” Her mouth twists. “I didn’t think he’d warm up so easily. He didn’t with me.”
“He gets like that. He’s getting better, though, ever since you called him out.”
She snorts. “You’re kidding. I didn’t think he actually listened - I barely meant it.”
“No, you didn’t.” Derek raises his eyebrows and searches for her eyes. “And he heard you.”
Emily shifts her attention back to you, her posture softening. “Oh.”
“C’mon,” Derek says, tapping her upper back with a good deal of affection. “Let’s regroup and see what we’ve got.”
+++
Aaron sits up in bed, the harsh light from the hotel table lamp illuminating the ugly wallpaper and the case files on the equally ugly bedspread.
His fingers hover restlessly over the keys as he drafts his email, warring with himself.
Does he want you on the team? Permanently? He’s already shown too much of his hand, revealed too much of himself, grew too comfortable too quickly.
He’s not sure what it is about you that forced his guard down.
You’re not the first person he’s asked about Haley, though he must admit that Gideon was next to no help. Spencer’s offered him unsolicited statistics about marital strife on three separate occasions in the past three months.
Aaron presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut.
I live in a circus.
He opens his eyes and reads over the email again.
Fuck it.
His cursor hovers over Send for just a moment before he clicks. The little whooshing sound seals his fate.
+++
You land in Arizona and Gideon’s already on edge. There’s already another crime scene by the time you get off the plane
“This one’s going to be bad, isn’t it?”
Derek sighs. “You’ve got good instincts. Stay close.”
You elect yourself Derek’s shadow at the crime scene, taking notes for him while he circles and observes the body.
Leaning close to him, you ask, “Isn’t the body positioning a sign of remorse?”
He looks over at you with a little smile. “Yeah. Good work.” He looks across the street to Hotch, speaking with the detective. “Do yourself a favor and note that to Hotch. Make sure Gideon hears you.”
+++
This time, you’re alone with Emily in the conference room, helping her pin and organize the board.
“Hey,” she says, something like hesitation in her voice.
You turn. “Yeah?”
“Did Strauss ever…” She trails off and looks over her shoulder as Hotch, Gideon, and Derek come back in from the Arizona heat. They’re on their way to the conference room.
“Did she ever what?”
Emily shakes her head and forces a smile, waving you off. “Nevermind.”
You’re not sure you get the confused look of your face before your colleagues walk through the door.
+++
“Where are they?” Hotch watches the monitor, his eyes flickering, searching for Derek and Emily.
You’re frozen, watching over his shoulder as the woman stabs the unsub, and then herself. Without knowing why, your mind wanders to that question Emily almost asked you the day before.
This isn’t good.
+++
The plane ride home is quiet, tense.
You sit next to Hotch again. There’s not much you can do, but you shoot a text to Haley.
5:42pm We’re flying back. Should be wheels down in Quantico in about four hours.
She texts back after a minute.
5:43pm Thanks.
There’s something off - you don’t like the look of that period, but you try not to read into it too much. You’re all feeling a little unsettled after that case.
Your eyes wander across the cabin.
JJ’s bottom lip is firmly planted between her teeth as she stares out the window.
Spencer’s sitting across from Gideon with a huge book in his lap, but he’s looking at Gideon more than he’s reading.
Gideon, for once, doesn’t have his journal in his hand. He, like JJ, stares out the window, his mouth pinched.
Emily’s eyes are restless, her breathing somewhat irregular. She’s picking at her nails.
“Emily.”
She looks up at you, and you tap the back of your hand with a finger. She looks down, finding her thumb and index finger close to bleeding.
“Thanks.” She looks away from you again.
If you didn’t know better, you’d think the view out the window was the most captivating sight in history.
You know better. It’s just clouds.
Your phone buzzes in your hand. Jenny.
5:58pm How’s it going?
You huff a little laugh down your nose.
5:58pm Rough day.
Hotch breaks his gaze from the window. “What’s up?”
“Just Jenny. She’s checking in.”
He shakes his head and you can hear the sarcasm in his tone. “Good day for it.”
6:01pm If you’re up to it, I’ll be in my office late if you want to swing by and talk about it.
6:02pm I also have booze.
You look up to find Hotch reading over your shoulder. He backs off. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to -”
“No, it’s fine.”
“You should go, if she’s offering.”
You snort. “Should I be job-searching already?”
“I wouldn’t worry about that,” he says with a little smile. “Jenny’s seen a lot. She’s a good resource.”
+++
The Navy yard is quiet as you drive across the campus. The NCIS building isn’t hard to find, but it’s still unfamiliar territory.
When you park and get cleared for access and up the elevator, most of the lights are off on the Major Case Response floor. There are still agents present, working under the warm light of their desk lamps.
A team of four takes up the middle of the bullpen, but they barely look up as you pass them and climb the stairs.
Cynthia isn’t at her desk - gone for the night - and Jenny’s office door is open. She also has her overhead lights turned off, giving her office a cozy, lived-in feel.
“Hey, you,” she says, looking up with a little smile. “Just got the scuttlebutt on that Arizona case. Definitely not ideal, I hear.”
You shake your head, collapsing into a chair on the other side of her desk. “Not ideal is a good way to put it.”
She stands and crosses the office, pouring two small glasses of some amber liquid you know is gonna burn like hell.
You take what she offers and hold in both of your hands, not really interested in drinking it, and follow her to the couch.
“What happened?”
You heave a breath. “Got the call - three murders already. Clearly a preferential offender. All the women were students, brunette, similar features. We already had another crime scene by the time we landed. We used the profile, got the guy.”
Jenny’s brow pinches. “Then?”
“Copycat. Even came with a note exonerating the suspect we had in custody. We had to let him go without a lead on the second suspect.”
She sighs and takes a sip of her bourbon. “Been there.”
“We were surveilling him, waiting for him to do something stupid - we knew he would. The copycat confronted him… She was suicidal. Stabbed him, then herself. We were too late.”
“Oh, my God.”
You level her with an exhausted look. “Yeah.”
“How’s your team?”
“Tired, mostly.” You offer a humorless laugh. “Maybe in a more existential way than a physical way, not that any of us have slept…”
The two of you chat into the early hours of the morning. She’s had more than one day like this, in more than one country.
“It’s days like this that make you question whether you’ve chosen the right line of work.” She looks over at a picture of herself in front of the Eiffel Tower, resting on her bookshelf. “But the good days…”
“They make it worth it, don’t they?”
The corner of her mouth tips up in a smile. “Yeah. They do.”
+++
You find a text from Haley when you get back into the car, not realizing you left it in the center console cup holder.
10:38pm Thanks for getting him home safe. Get some sleep.
+++
When you come in the next morning almost embarrassingly late, Gideon’s office is still dark.
You’re not even really sure you should be here in the first place, what with the major fuckup hanging over everyone’s heads. The last thing you want to do is go home to your room, back to those four tiny walls and textbooks, even after everything. The bullpen, this team, has become your safety net.
They should all be here, but there’s only one absence striking you as particularly odd. “Where’s Gideon?”
Spencer shrugs, spinning half-circles in his desk chair. He looks despondent, staring at the carpet. You don’t see Emily or Derek, but you assume they’re somewhere.
Weird.
You set your things down and head up the stairs, knocking twice on Hotch’s door.
“Yeah?” He looks up and sees you, relaxing a little.
You take a little breath. “Should I be here today?”
“Do you want to be here today?” There’s something behind his voice you can’t quite place. It almost sounds like insecurity, like he’s worried he’s scared you off.
Far from it.
“I do, sir. I want to be here.” You think of Jenny, and hope he can hear more than you can say. “It’s worth it.”
You think maybe you’re figuring him out a little more. He smiles more often than you’d think, but you have to know what it looks like. This look - the softening of his eyes and the corners of his mouth, the slight crease at the corners of his eye, the threat of a dimple - is just as big a smile for him as Morgan’s human-sunshine smile.
“Then stick around. I’ll have you work on some mock consults with Reid and Prentiss - you’ll be doing a lot of those in the next few months until you’re ready to take them on by yourself.”
“I’ll go pick them up from JJ. They’re in her office, right?”
He nods and you turn to leave, but you’re stopped by the sound of your name before you can get through the door. “Yeah?”
“You’ve performed remarkably well, no matter what happens after this.”
The side of your mouth twists. “Thank you, sir.”
+++
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#aaron hotchner x reader#hotch x reader#aaron hotchner imagine#criminal minds imagine#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds fanfiction#aaron hotchner#criminal minds#hotch#tali writes fanfiction#tali talks cm#a joyful future#a joyful future fanfic
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Take it Easy | Chapter 4
Source: radamdriver
4/15 (Chapter 3) (Chapter 5)
Pairing: Clyde Logan x Reader
Word Count: 2,850+
Disclaimer: All copyrighted characters are property of Bleeker Street, Fingerprint Releasing & Steven Soderbergh.
Warning: Rated PG-13 (Eventual NC-17)
Author’s Notes: So writing this chapter has been a bit of a train wreck. I started about a week ago and had three pages done only to lose everything. </3 I’ve also been fighting writer’s block because I know exactly where I want to go with chapter five. Connecting point A to B’s proven quite difficult to do without messing up the pacing. Shoot me a message if you’d like to be added to the tag list.
This morning was a painful reminder that your trip to West Virginia wasn’t all fun and games. Max finally managed to corner you and asked you to do some contract work for him. As much as you wanted to say no you did owe him something your sponsoring your trip down here. Besides, there was a potential job offer at the end of this. Now whether or not you would take it was an entirely different story...
It turns out when Max said contract work he meant signing Dayton White. Directly across the table from you sat 72 inches of pure unadulterated New Yorker with a perfectly styled mop of brown hair and blue eyes to boot. However, he wasn’t your typical city-goer. Dayton turned out to be the extremely health conscious type that resided in the East Hamptons. All in all, he seemed like a nice enough person with some semblance of a sense of humor... He’d just lost you the minute he started seriously discussing his body as a set of “iOS” processes. You couldn’t help but wonder if he even installed the last iPhone update...
Yet, that didn’t matter much because this “iOS” had been chosen to drive the “To the Max” car. The two of you were currently stewing over the finer parts of his contract. This morning you spent three hours walking him through the document after Max decided to change the game. He believed it was more important to be able to fire Dayton whenever he wanted as opposed to protecting his company’s interests. You’d tried in vain to convey the eight million ways this strategy could blow up in his face.
“Basically we’re eliminating the Joint Venture nature of this agreement,” you murmured, pushing the contract in the driver’s direction.
“So then this is a gentlemen’s agreement?” he asked, as he arched one eyebrow.
“Yeah, but there’s this whole ‘Stop Payment Clause’, which will really benefit you to read,” you replied.
“Is there any chance you’d want to discuss this clause over dinner?” Dayton asked as he dawned his best charming smile. “There’s this great vegan place in Charleston; I’m honestly shocked anyone in West Virginia knows what vegan is.”
Oh. You immediately withdrew your hand from the table and felt the heat rise in your cheeks.
“Oh. Um, I’m sorry Mr. White I kind of have a thing… Or well a someone,” you stumbled over your words as you tried to classify just what you and Clyde were at the moment. You were dating, you didn’t exactly have titles, but then again you couldn’t imagine any scenario where you’d want to get dinner with the driver either.
“I’m making dinner for him tonight,” you finally finished with a sheepish smile. Judging by the way both of his eyebrows shot up this time, he got the message.
“Ah. Well he’s a lucky man,” he responded before turning to leave.
As it so happened, Clyde’s rejected date ideas made for some pretty enjoyable evenings. You ended up loving the Italian food place he took you to. Even the bowling alley had been fun. Before he went with you, Clyde was positive he held the title of “Worst Bowler in Boone County”. When you scored a strike in the neighboring lane you not only proved him wrong, but gave everyone a good laugh too. After that he decided it was best for the two of you to play with bumpers...
Your personal favorite was the movie theater though. The youngest Logan brother had been spot on when he worried the two of you wouldn’t be talking much. The lack of words simply meant your lips had the chance to become better acquainted, which was just fine with you. In the end, it didn’t really matter what the two of you did together… It was more so the “together” factor that made for a good time.
In fact, you hadn’t been lying when you said you were cooking dinner for him tonight. You were looking forward to some solid one-on-one time.
The more time you spent with Clyde, the more you’d started to feel like he was holding back. You weren’t quite sure if he was an extremely guarded person or if something else was up. Since you were half (completely) in love with the man already, you planned to get to the bottom of it.
Clyde just about jumped for joy when you offered to make him dinner. He couldn’t remember the last time a woman other than his sister had cooked for him. In general, your presence in his life helped him shed some of his signature melancholic demeanor. Millie and Jimmy saw it; even some of his regulars at the bar commented on how he seemed happier lately.
“You don’t think she’s just goin’ through a phase do ya?” he asked, turning to his brother. They were currently trying to clean up the trailer with the hope being it wouldn’t be as messy when you came over later tonight.
“What? No! That girl’s sweeter on you than a bee on honey,” Jimmy grumbled. Clyde sighed; he couldn’t shake the feeling that you two had started with an expiration date. He was afraid to get closer because he knew you’d probably leave and he’d get hurt yet again.
“It’s not like it matters much anyhow. I doubt she’s gunna want to be with a felon.”
“You’ve got to stop thinking like that,” his brother argued, making sure to enunciate each word. Truth was they both knew there was a possibility Clyde was right. Jimmy wouldn’t admit how guilty he felt about the timing of this whole mess. Happiness seemed to be one of the more evasive things in his brother’s life. Now that he finally tasted it he deserved a real shot to make it last.
“Why? You know it’s true!” the middle Logan exasperated. In his frustration he threw a pillow against their couch. He desperately needed some space right now. A week or so of stewing on this started to wear him down. He was absolutely smitten with you and the more he thought about you just disappearing from his life the more frustrated he became. Clyde never argued... Fighting wasn’t exactly his thing but he couldn’t still still when he felt like this. The worst part was he didn’t know where to direct all this frustration or if it was even justified.
Without a word he turned towards the porch and started heading for the door. Hopefully a nice long walk would do the trick.
“Did ya ever think you could just enjoy the moment then?” Jim called trying to reach his brother before he disappeared into the trees behind their home.
While he’d never admit this, Clyde always listened to his brother’s advice. His stubborn streak came in to play when he’d act on it without ever acknowledging that he’d heard it in the first place.
Right now, he was fretting over the fact that he hadn’t properly asked you out yet. He worried the two of you were too old for titles, but knew there needed to be something more substantial. Heck maybe he was supposed to assume that you already were. Then his thoughts drifted back to high school and how he’d never found a girl to give his ring to or to all the stories his squad mates used to tell about their loved ones. So far, you were the closest he’d come to having any of that. Yet, this dang heist was hanging over his head like a ticking time bomb.
He resigned himself to the likelihood that by the end of the week you’d hate him. The idea of your presence just disappearing from his life tore him up inside. He wanted to make your last night together count.
When you pulled up later that evening, he was relieved to recognize the warm fuzzy feeling rising in his chest. He welcomed that warm flutter; grateful for a bit of respite from the storm brewing inside his head.
“How’s your day darlin’?” he asked, doing his best to give you a grin.
“All in all, it was okay. I had to go over some contracts for Max. He finally closed with his new driver.”
“Who’d he sign?” Clyde asked, genuinely curious. Part of him was grateful for the distraction; the other part was convinced that most of the men in West Virginia ran off NASCAR and beer.
“I don’t know if I should tell you,” you smirked as you moved to carry the bags of groceries inside (with Clyde’s help of course). At this point, the man knew you well enough to gather that you enjoyed teasing on occasion. He didn’t see any harm in obliging because it always ended with a smile.
As soon as you two set the groceries down in the kitchen he came up behind you and wrapped an arm around your waist. He then moved to rest his head against your shoulder.
“But darlin’” he hummed, earning a smile from you. You absolutely loved how affectionate he could be when it was just the two of you.
“Apparently the guy hasn’t raced in a while and he’s been living in New York,” you offered. Deciding you wanted a hug, you moved to turn around. Making sure to rest your head against the much taller man’s chest. You wrapped your arms around his back and gave him a quick squeeze.
“I’m afraid I only know names and stats sweetheart.”
“It’s Dayton White!” you exclaimed.
If you had to go solely based off the look on the younger Logan’s face, you would guess Dayton White was either a fantastic driver or an infamous one. The way his eyes widened with shock and his lower lip dropped spoke volumes.
“It’ll be interestin’ to see if he’s still got it after two years away from the track,” Clyde responded as he started making his way towards the living room. One of his first confessions to you had been that he didn’t know his way around a kitchen very well. You didn’t see the harm in letting him relax while you made (y/f/dish). Clyde picked up a book and sank down into his chair on the opposite side of the room.
He left you to rummage around the kitchen and admire all the random cooking utensils/dishes the brothers had collected. Luckily, you found enough to work with that you could MacGyver your way through prep.
“Clyde, I’m going to open the wine. Would you like some?” You called, ducking your head around the corner. Call it old-fashioned but you liked to see people when you were talking to them.
“No thank you, darlin’. I’ll pass on this round,” he replied, barely glancing up from his book.
You finished your preparations in silence, making sure to throw the dirty dishes in the sink as you went along. However, as soon as the aroma from your culinary creation drifted into the next room, Clyde found his way back into the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around your waist and stayed close. Close enough that you could feel as his warm breath tickled the back of your neck.
It seemed like he had to be in your immediate vicinity. With the way he was acting you would’ve guessed the two-foot distance across the table compared more to a football field. He wasn’t talking either. Over dinner you two passed some small talk back and forth but there was just a really weird energy in the room. It was pretty obvious something was bothering him… The question became more so whether or not he would tell you about it.
After cleaning the kitchen in continued silence, you made the decision to launch your investigation. Although, you did opt to pour another glass of wine before going back at it.
“Hey Clyde, come over here,” you said, holding your arms open for a hug. Occasionally, that simple gesture was all he needed to pull himself out of a funk. You pressed a quick kiss to his lips too before speaking again.
“What’s got you in such a slump?” you asked, “They say cooking’s supposed to be the way to a man’s heart.”
Oh wait, what if dinner tasted bad? Or he didn’t like it? You knew it’d have to be horrific for Clyde to even dream about saying something.
“Trust me darlin’ you don’t need any help with that,” he replied, gently tapping his hand against the center of his chest. You watched then as Clyde tensed his shoulders and ran his hand through his hair. To you it looked like he was struggling to find the proper words, “Would ya want to stay the night? I promise I won’t be handsy or nothin’... I don’t know when the next time I’ll be seein’ ya is and… I’m not ready for ya to be leavin’ yet.”
You glanced over at the lock to see that it was only 9:30. It wasn’t exactly late and you didn’t have much going on tomorrow. You promised Alyssa you’d go into Charleston shopping later in the evening but that meant you had the whole morning to kill. More importantly, Clyde was going through something. Maybe he didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you what it was yet, but he made it clear that he wanted you here.
“Well, I’d really like that,” you smiled, giving him another quick hug. Your date started to relax almost immediately. It was if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
“You’re going to have to let me borrow a T-shirt though… I didn’t bring anything to sleep in. Oh also~ how do you feel about watching movies on my iPad? I’m kind of in the mood to snuggle.”
“I reckon I can live with that.”
When everything was said and done you found yourself cuddled up in Clyde’s plaid comforter. Although you’d been to the trailer before you’d never really had the chance to see his room. The wood paneling and faded blue carpet matched the rest of the place. What made it him were the scattered photographs and books he had laying on the dresser as well as both of his nightstands.
The middle Logan pressed silent kisses against the top of your head while the two of you worked your way through the movie library. The two of you finally settled on a classic rom com.
However, you hesitated before pressing the play button.
“Hey Clyde, I don’t think I’m ready to watch the movie quite yet,” you murmured. You set your tablet down on a nightstand before turning to face your beau.
“Oh, well… What’d you have in mind darlin’” he replied, eyes widening just a bit. Hey~ it wasn’t like you were out to torture the poor guy; you just wanted a kiss.
“Hmmm… Just a kiss,” you whispered, pressing your lips against his plump ones. You swore you could feel as some of his apprehension started to melt away. Over the past few weeks you’d come to realize that even on his best days Clyde rivaled you as one of the world’s most chronic over thinkers. In the weirdest way you always relaxed while trying to help unwind him.
Besides you loved the feeling of his whiskers against your face. His lips tasted like some of the seasonings you’d used to cook dinner and you were sure yours tasted like wine. After a few seconds or so, you started to pull your lips away from his. Their sudden absence sparked a groan of disappointment from Clyde. He’d be lying if he said being a gentlemen wasn’t difficult… You were a gorgeous girl and having you here in his bed, wearing his favorite Bob Seger T-shirt was driving him absolutely mad.
The youngest Logan brother ran his hand through (y/h/c) and then dropped it to your waist. He pulled you close again and leaned into kiss you once more. Except this time, he gently bit your lower lip. You gasped in surprise, creating the perfecting opening for his tongue to take advantage of. You were more than happy to let Clyde take the lead. You weaved your fingers through his thick curly hair, pressing your chest against his. During your frolic the edges of your t-shirt began to ride up. Feeling the sensation of his skin against yours gave you goosebumps.
“Oh Clyde,” you groaned with delight as he switched his attention from your mouth to your neck. He made sure to make a mental note of where your sweet spots were. It took you a bit longer to find one of his but when you gently nipped at his ear lobe he was done. He quickly pulled you back into a hard kiss. The two of you continued to exchange passionate sloppy kisses until you both ran out of breath.
“So… How about that movie now?” you huffed, still slightly winded. Clyde nodded in reply and snuggled up to your back once again. When you both found a comfortable position you pressed play.
Tags: @morphoportis, @imaginecrushes, @empress-ren, @but-kairis-not-that-smart, @ayatimascd, @foxface9000, @supermcspidy
#Clyde logan#clyde logan x reader#clyde Logan fanfic#logan lucky#adam driver#reader insert#au#fanfic
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Merman Laurent/Pirate Damen | Part 1
Damen shut his eyes as he listened to the sounds of the wind howling around him, the water lapping against the edge of the rock, back and forth, back and forth. It had been three long, grueling weeks, each man and woman in his crew pushed to the best of their abilities, utilizing every one of their strengths that had made them stand out in Damen’s eye when he assembled them two years ago.
Damen was exhausted. He could feel it in his bones, in every one of his muscles. His body was sore, his mind drained, and he loved every part of it. Every time Damen returned from one of their voyages feeling absolutely spent, he knew it was a job well done.
They would set sail again in two days, this time off for Mellos. For now Damen was home, though the feeling was odd. Ios may have been where Damen was born and raised, where he and his crew came back to at the end of each mission to regroup and replenish, but the ocean was home for Damen. The vast openness, the feeling of infinity. The way it changed with each hour of the day from a bright, turquoise blue to a deep, reflective black. Damen closed his eyes, thinking of the way it felt to stand at the wheel, to watch as the horizon met the line of the sea as they neared their next destination.
Damen settled himself more comfortably on the flat stone he had claimed as his own through each of these visits, his palms on the cold gravel. Two days and he would be back, back where he was meant to be. For now Damen just wanted one full night of rest, a few drinks and a good fuck. He closed his eyes as he leaned his weight back, listening to the water. Back and forth, back and fourth.
“You seem rather confident in your safety.”
“I always am,” Damen muttered in reply, a few seconds of silence passing before he realized that he didn’t recognize the voice. Damen spent every waking moment with his crew, he knew their voices as vividly as he knew his own. His eyes snapped open.
Damen looked to the path at his right, the line of rock and grass that led to this very spot, expecting to see someone standing over him, or perhaps up on the balcony of the inn that his crew inhabited each time they came back, leaning down and calling out to him.
No one.
Damen turned his head to the left and towards the water, frowning when he saw no one, though he hadn’t actually expected to. The water was moving a bit more rapidly now, the calm surface ebbing as if it had been disturbed by something entering it, or cutting through it. Damen’s frown deepened. That wasn’t possible. The only way to enter the water was from Damen’s spot. The only way someone could have swam at that moment would be if they had been in the water to begin with, and Damen would have seen them.
Damen ran a hand down his face, his weariness feeling more pronounced. If Nikandros were with him he would surely tell him that his overexertion was causing Damen to hear things, to see things.
Damen pushed himself up, making his way towards the inn, opting to take one of the side entrances that only his crew knew about. It was time for that drink.
-
“Forty fucking days,” Lazar said, leaning back farther in his seat as he kicked his legs up onto the round table, crossing them at the ankles. “I don’t want to see the ocean again for months.”
“Don’t let the captain hear you,” Pallas said, pushing his legs and sitting down on the edge, facing Lazar.
“The captain is not deaf,” Damen said, leaning his elbows back on the edge of the bar, watching as his crew scattered around the small tavern, knowing everyone making use of the inn’s bedrooms upstairs would be in for a long, loud night.
“Don’t listen to him, Damen,” Kashel said, appearing out of nowhere. She was seated on the edge of the bar beside Damen, her legs swinging off the edge as she shoved another mug of liquor in his hands. Her hair was pulled back off her face, her dark lipstick smeared. She had tossed off her dark vest and wore only a loose white shirt, the top few laces undone so it fell down her shoulder. “He still won’t admit he’s afraid of water.”
“I’m not afraid of anything,” Lazar said, though it was clear he was hardly paying them any attention anymore. Damen took a mouthful of the drink as he looked around the crowded room, observing everyone. Nikandros and Jord were throwing darts at a target board on the opposite wall, Aktis shuffling a deck of cards beside him. Orlant was sitting two tables away from Lazar and Pallas, sifting through a stack of coin in that way he did every time they returned from a mission. Vannes was leaning on the bar a feet away, trying to coerce the barkeep into joining her in her rooms later. Damen felt a swell of pride as he watched them all unwind in their own ways after another challenging few weeks. They were his.
Damen reached over the bar and grabbed a full bottle of undiluted wine, tossing a copper sol at the barkeep as she quirked a brow. It was loud and hot inside, and Damen longed for his secluded spot where it was just him and the water.
“Where are you going?” He heard Nikandros ask as Damen made for the door. Damen waved a hand in a wordless dismissive gesture, nudging the door open and letting it swing shut as he made his way down the path.
Damen sat himself down, leaning his elbows on his upturned knees as he took a long swig, feeling the wine heat his insides as it went down smoothly. His ship was anchored down the dock, and he could just make out the name from his vantage, the words dark and slanted on the banners hanging all around.
Damen took a deep breath, letting it cool his lungs as he ran his hands through his hair, his white shirt billowing against his chest. The sky was pitch black, the moon a bright glow above him, cutting through the water in muddled lines. Damen took another mouthful as he listened to the water, the sound giving him a sense of peace, even when he was here on land.
Damen wasn’t sure what it was that made him turn. He hadn’t technically heard anything; the swishing of water was a constant thing and shouldn’t have alerted him. Perhaps in was instinct, perhaps it was mindless, but whatever it was, it had Damen looking into the water, into the most beautiful pair of eyes he’d ever seen.
Damen might have been startled by the sudden appearance of another person had he not been so mesmerized, so caught by the depth of it. Damen had seen exotic satin dresses, handfuls of sapphires, all of the Ellosean Sea, yet he had never been so captivated by such a mesmeric shade of blue. It took Damen a few stretched seconds of gaping before he noticed the golden bows just above them, etched in a deep scowl.
Damen blinked heavily, his wits returning to him with that look of displeasure. It was well past midnight, far past the appropriate time for a swim. For all Damen knew, this person had fallen in and needed his help, and there he was, gawking like a fool.
“I’m sorry,” Damen said, turning towards the man who was bobbing in place, seemingly effortlessly like he spent his time practicing his balance in water. The change in angle gave Damen a better look at him. He was-
“Are you alright?” Damen asked, extending a hand. “Can I help you?”
He was beautiful. His skin was an unblemished stretch of ivory, perhaps just a shade or two darker than Damen’s shirt, glistening from the water that was dripping down his face like he had dipped his head in. His hair shown gold like the barrels of it they had hidden on the ship, like the rings Kashel wore on each of her fingers. The tips of it was damp, just above his slender, curving shoulders. The entire top half his body was bare.
The man said, “Fuck off.”
Damen paused, his hand freezing in the air, his fingers uselessly outstretched as he gaped in surprise. It was not the corrosive tone of his words, nor was it the increasingly distasteful look on his face. It was the language he had used, the soft, fluid tongue of Veretian, making all things sound sensual despite the way his eyes alone spewed venom.
Realistically, Damen should have been at least a little bit afraid. He had heard stories throughout his many voyages, had read fables growing up so close to the ocean. Damen was well prepared, one dagger slipped in the waistband of his pants, another in his boot. However, he could not deny that he felt nothing of the sort. Instead his veins pumped with adrenaline, the thrill seeking part of his mind alive with the thought of what was actually before him.
The water was pitch black in this time of night, a dark abyss that did not allow Damen to see below his hips, down his lean, sculpted abdomen. Even in the dim lighting Damen could see a fine trail of golden hair. Beneath that, nothing.
Damen raised his gaze, looking back into the narrowed, rancor filled eyes. Only a few feet separated them.
“You’re a merman,” Damen said.
His expression did not change; abet a slight deepening of his frown. Damen finally pulled his hand back and brought them both to his sides, pulling his legs up to his chest as he waited for a response of some kind.
Eventually, “you speak Veretian.”
The comment itself almost made Damen laugh. He was the captain of those seas, of course he spoke Veretian. He spoke most languages and that certainly included the language of the creatures that could supposedly lure his entire crew to destruction with their seduction and enchantment.
Though if Damen was being honest, the merman did not seem to have much interest in luring anyone in with any form of seduction. He seemed much more inclined to slip the dagger out of Damen’s boot and drive it into his chest.
Damen’s adrenaline from their late night return had still not died down, and he had nothing else to fill his time. He might as well make conversation. He took another swig of his wine, setting it down beside him after.
“Is there any reason in particular you’re looking at me as if I’ve threatened your life?”
The merman’s scowl dispensed at that immediately, his features shifting into something like boredom. The velocity of it was jarring.
“You hold absolutely no threat over my life,” he replied. Damen shrugged in agreement. He was right, really. Damen had no intentions of harming him.
“Is there any reason you’re acting as if you’re not afraid right now?” he asked. His voice was dry, like this entire conversation was taking up only a tenth of his attention.
Damen did laugh this time. He had to. “Trust me,” he said. “You’re the last thing I’m afraid of.”
“Trust me,” he said. “I don’t care.”
Damen grinned, adjusting himself so that he was more comfortable. “Are all of your kind so prickly?”
“Are all of your kind so obtuse?”
That struck Damen as odd. He never considered humans to be a grouping; to him they were the norm. It was strange to think that for the merman things were reversed.
“How am I obtuse?” Damen asked.
“This is my territory,” he replied, pushing away from the rock so that he began to drift back, farther into the black, engulfing water. “And you’re clearly unwelcome here.”
“Sorry, sweetheart,” Damen said, taking up his wine and pushing himself up. “I’m on land, so technically this is my territory.” He took on last drink, winking at the beautiful creature as he turned around, making his way back into the inn.
#captive prince#merman au#this started as a fic i was working on about a month ago and i got about 7k in before i stopped#abruptly bc i didn't wanna lose the flow of the amnesia fic#and once i finished that i just started the proposal fic without pause#but i don't wanna just let this die#so maybe making it an ongoing tumblr thing will inspire me to work on it every now and then#the amount of things I'm juggling is preposterous i can't be stopped
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[TRANSLATION] The Star Magazine April 2016 issue x GOT7
Translated by @igot7_MarKP
We were worried before we started the shooting for GOT7. Because they were getting ready for a comeback they had a busy schedule so the filming had to take place early in the morning. Will it be possible to have a fun and exciting party concept? Once they Came on the day of the filming we realized we were worried for no reason GOT7 onset had a brighter energy than anyone else They had smiling faces on and talked with high tone voices and made the set into a party feel at once. Isn't this what fresh youth is.
Mark: Usually when all the members are together we are on the loud side. (laughs) It’s been awhile since all the members are doing the photoshoot together so I guess everyone has high tension.
Junior: It's always fun to doa filming with the members
We are happy to do <The Star 3 year anniversary with GOT7 on the cover
JB: First of all congratulations on your 3rd anniversary. It is more meaningful because it's our 5rd year too.
Youngjae: It's an honor. Thank you inviting us
Jackson: Wow! Congratulations on your 3 year anniversary.I hope you will do more shootings with us GOT7 in the future. 10 years 30 years later too? (laughs)
Bambam: The sets and the props made it really feel like we were at a party so it was really fun. Next time if it's a photo shoot like this call us whenever.
Yugyeom: To me it felt like it was a 3rd year anniversary celebration and also celebration for our new album done together.
Now you are in your 3rd year as a singer
Junior: I can't believe that already 3 years passed. It feels like Our first stage wasn't that long ago.
Youngjae: The only thing that makes me think that 3 years actually passed by is that Bambam and Yugyeom are 20 years old this year. It's interesting to know that now all the members are in their 20's.
Mark: Now the stage Is natural and comfortable. Now the nervousness I get before going on stage is not anxiety but now more for joy. Also now I’m comfortably speaking Korean when I didn’t know any at all before.
Yugyeom: As much as the time passed all the member's skills has improved and our teamwork got much better.
JB: Personally I’m more strict to myself, since the job as a celebrity is to be in front of the public I think that's why I am stricter and more thoroughly organized about my work and my actions
Bambam: We also can’t leave out that there are lots of fans that love us not only in Korea but in many other countries
Jackson: I’m happy when I see fans that come to greet us at the airport or an official schedule.
Saw a video of Jackson being happy and taking pictures of the fans that came out to the airport.
Jackson: I was happy. Really. It's amazing to see so many people that came out to see me. Sometimes there are problems that happen with the security guards so l tell the security guards I know you are doing it for me but please be nice to the fans. They are my people. I have to take care of them.
There were lots of fans that came to see Bambam at the fashion week that was in Thailand
Bambam: I was also surprised by all the fans but the person who was in charge of the event seemed more surprised. I was happy though.
You guys are having activities in Korea after awhile, How does it feel?
Youngjae: These days are fun everyday. I want to show our fans our new side of us fast.
JB: I’m really nervous. I think joy and a little bit of worry are both there.
Jackson: Like all albums before but I am really confident in this album. We prepared it really well
Yugyeom: I want to be on stage fast
Mark: I am really thankful to the fans that waited for us for 6 months and I hope this will pay back for it.
Before your comeback you did a countdown. First you released the photos and the trailer. You are having the fans on their toes
Youngjae: Our feelings aren't that different from the fans. What picture will be released today. What video will it be? They don’t tell us the details. So we check the announced date and time and wait too. (laugh)
We saw the trailer that was released not too long ago. Junior's calmness while the members were loud and smiling came to us differently. What were the intentions in that?
Junior: Our intention was this for people to wonder. There is no set answer. The story changes depending on how you view it. I hope people just enjoy it thinking it in different angles.
We heard that everyone did wire action. Was there any episodes?
Mark: Everyone was excited. Especially when I was young if l could ever have any superpowers I always wanted to fly. My dream came true. Haha
Did you survive the JYP recording this time?
Jackson: Like usual he didn't just let it slide. JYP PDnim just participated in the final check but after hearing my part he said it's just cool and It was lacking the happiness. Me? I thought to myself am I not happy right now? I checked but I didn’t know what he was talking about. I tried really hard to be happy for the next recording even in my sleep. I did my best. I guessed it worked because for the next recording I got an ok at once. Honestly I don't think it's that different from the first recording. Haha
Was there any other things that were difficult?
Mark: The day we filmed the music video and the trailer it was the coldest day so we had a hard time
Junior: Yeah it was really cold
Yugyeom: That day I had a lot of running scenes so l was able to endure the coldness with the heat. Haha
For this album where was your main focus on?
Junior: Our fierce dancing. We took out a lot of the JYP feel. If our previous performances were based on groove with a free and happy choreography this time we are going to show a synchronized dancing even to the small movements
Yugyeom: Really there is choreography throughout the whole song without a little term in between
Youngjae: I am working really hard on our respiration management to prepare for the intense dancing. So that we won't make any mistakes when we sing live.
What kind of album is the new album <FLIGHT LOG DEPARTURE-?
Mark: All 7 members are now legal. So we put flight from adolescence as our big title and we put our members' truthful thoughts of love, friendship, and wandering that only this age can feel into it.
Jackson: I think that this album corresponds to the way GOT7 wants to go
Members participation in this album catches our eyes
Junior: In our album there are a total of 8 tracks. Except for the title song 'FLY and one other song. the members wrote and composed the other 6 songs. JB hyung participated in 3 songs, I did one, Yugyeom and Mark one, the last one Youngjae composed it. All the songs are good. It’s a well-made album so we want to say it confidently.
Please tell me about the songs that you participated in
JB: All 3 songs are a bright love Song. FiSH is about a guy that is with a girl that has lots of guys around her that is written in a fun way. For Something Good I got an idea from the image of a guy looking at a girl lovingly with resting his chin on his hand at a cafe. HOME RUN io a song that is an innuendo of a lover's love and baseball. It's a song where I specially put my heart and soul into the lyrics.
Junior: Can't is a song where it has a tropical beat with a house feel. Unlike the negative meaning of 'Can’t’, It's more of a lovely meaning of 'l can't do anything without you. Mark hyung helped with part of the rap Iyrics.
Yugyeom: For See the Light, the song I made with Mark hyung, I got the idea from where in a movie when the starring actress first appears on screen with a bright aura.
Mark: Yugyeom composed and I was in charge of writing the lyrics
Bambam: I wrote the rap making for Jaebeom's hyungs song Something Good and See the Light
Youngjae: It's a song called 'REWIND. I incorporated the feelings of one of my favorite song, our debut song 'Girls Girls Girls. It’s like an upgraded version of 'Girls Girls Girls?
Jackson is missing?
Jackson: All my songs were rejected because they didn't ft the style of this album's concept
Weren't you sad?
Jackson: That's why I'm going to show it at the concert. Fans will hear it and I hope they judge it objectively. I am confident.
We are looking for your first concert on April 29th and 30th
Mark: It's something that we dreamed of when we debuted. I am happy that we achieved this goal in our 3rd year.
Youngjae: Since we did lots of concerts in Japan and other countries, I thought it wouldn’t get to me but I'm really nervous. Out of all since it's a concert with my parents. I think it will be meaningful.
Heard it was sold out. Congratulations.
Jackson: I was really surprised. Maybe our parents? (laughs) When we heard it we didn't believe it that much.
Mark: Thank you. Please look forward to it because it will be amazing
Junior: We thought it wouldn't sell out, so we were going to invite some of the people we know but l think it’ll be hard. But it still feels good. VWe have to prepare for it harder.
Can you give us a hint on what you are working on?
Junior: You will be able to see a stage where all 7 members aren't part of. We can't reveal more. You have to find out at the concert
Youngjae: Since it's the first concert we are having in Seoul everyone is full of enthusiasm. All the members checked the stage to the propS and even the lighting they are fully showing all the desires they have been hiding.
Lastly is there a goal that you want to achieve with this album?
Youngjae: I want to let people know what GOT7s true color is.
Mark: I want the fans to like it and enjoy it
Jackson: I want to do the promotion with fun and excitement. And I want the fans to know that.
JB: Personally I hope people enjoy my song with fun. And as for GOT7 I want to have good results. With this album I want to win 1st place in the major broadcast. If we get lots of awards that will be nice.
Yugyeom: Of course 1st place. 1st place
Junior: Like that I think this album is important to us. We put our lives into it. We always did but I just want this to be a good album. What I really want is for the song to get loved constantly. If you listen to old songs. you remember the memories from it. I think I will be really happy if this album becomes an album where even when the time passes you listen to it again and remember the memories from it.
Bambam: With this chance I want people to know that GO17 works hard.
Translated by @igot7_MarKP
https://twitter.com/igot7_markp/status/713252325704335361
#got7#GOT7 JB#GOT7 JAEBEOM#GOT7 INTERVIEW#GOT7 TRANS#JB INTERVIEW#JB TRANS#JAEBEOM INTERVIEW TRANS#DEFDAILYinterview
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The DeanBeat: My favorite games of 2019
Games grew to a $148.8 billion market in 2019, up 9.6% from 2018 and reaching over 2.5 billion people across the globe. Console games, the lion’s share of the industry a decade earlier, were smaller than mobile games in 2019, a continuation of a multi-year trend, according to research firm Newzoo.
We watched the further growth of esports and game watching expand this year, and we saw the introduction of subscription gaming for Apple Arcade, Google Play, and Google Stadia’s cloud gaming service. Hyper-casual mobile games that last 30 seconds emerged, but big mobile titles like Call of Duty: Mobile emerged to hold their own against the nanosecond attention spans.
I didn’t think we could match last year’s brilliant titles such as Red Dead Redemption 2, God of War, and Marvel’s Spider-Man. For me, last year was the triumph of traditional narrative triple-A games that blended open worlds with deep narratives.
But the highest end of the industry didn’t rest on its laurels in 2019. As usual, I didn’t have enough time to play it all. But I enjoyed everything across the board, from Sandbox VR’s Star Trek: Discovery — Away Mission virtual reality experience to episodic games like Life is Strange 2 to mobile titles like Call of Duty: Mobile and Apple Arcade’s Where Cards Fall. I re-engaged with favorite maps from years past in Call of Duty: Mobile and plunged into battle royale maps with squadmates in the multiplayer action of Apex Legends. And I was scared out of my wits playing titles like The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan.
It felt like I had less time to explore indie experiences that my peers played, so I wasn’t the first to stumble on titles like Untitled Goose Game. But I enjoyed delving into my own passions, such as the World War II real-time strategy game Steel Battalion 2 from Eugen Systems, where I could zoom in on a single tank in a battle or pan out to see an entire division marching across the Russian landscapes. Toward the end of the year, I rushed to finish titles such as Remedy’s Control and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order.
For the sake of comparison, here are my favorites from 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and 2011. In each story below, the links go to our full reviews or major stories about the games. And be sure to check out the GamesBeat staff’s own votes for Game of the Year and the best individual favorites of the staff soon.
Check out our Reviews Vault for past game reviews.
10) Sayonara Wild Hearts
Above: Sayonara Wild Hearts takes you on an impossibly fast ride.
Image Credit: Annapurna
Developer: Simogo
Publisher: Annapuana Interactive, iam8bit
Platforms: Apple Arcade/iOS, PlayStation 4, Nintendo Switch, Windows, MacOS, tvOS
I wasn’t expecting to enjoy this dream-like game, as music games don’t usually get me dancing. But Sayonara Wild Hearts has an artsy combination of dance-fighting, pop music, and high-speed motorcycle chases that clicked for me. I played it on an iPhone with Apple Arcade‘s $5 a month subscription platform, and I used a Rotor Riot wired game controller to play it rather than brave the untrustworthy touchscreen. You can also play it on an iPad or Apple TV.
It’s a high-adrenaline game where you tap, jump, and maneuver to collect little hearts in a beautiful neon-and-black landscape. And it isn’t that long with 23 levels. The neon-on-black art is beautiful. It’s hard to believe a small game studio put it together, because the art is so well-crafted. There isn’t much of a story, but the developers tell you what you need to know.
In Sayonara Wild Hearts, you play as a young woman who suffers a heartbreak. A tarot card pops up and dubs her The Fool, transporting her into an alternate universe. She sets out to restore the harmony of the universe hidden away in the hearts of her enemies. As you take control of The Fool, you speed along on a motorcycle within a tunnel-like view of the horizon.
The fusion of music and gameplay reminds me of music games like Rez from 2001 or that wacky and artistic “Take On Me” music video by A-Ha in 1985. The gameplay in Sayonara Wild Hearts seems impossible, and it takes a lot of skill to avoid crashing. But it’s whimsical and forgiving at the same time, as you can start up right where you crashed to try again. I thought songs like Begin Again were catchy and hard to get out of my head. I’m not going to say that this was far better than many of the triple-A games that debuted this year, but this is my nod in the direction of creativity, fun, and the indie spirit on mobile devices.
9) Rage 2
Above: Rage 2 couldn’t fight the dying of the light.
Image Credit: Bethesda
Developer: Avalanche Studios and id Software
Publisher: Bethesda
Platforms: PlayStation 4, Xbox One, Windows
When id Software’s Tim Willits visited Avalanche Studios in Stockholm, he told his new compadres to ignore constraints. “When I met with the team in Stockholm on the whiteboard, “More crazy than Rage” That was the first pillar of this game,” Willits said.
And he got what he asked for. Rage 2 didn’t get the best reviews, but I thought it was underrated, as I played it through the end of the single-player campaign and played a lot of silly side missions as well. Rage 2 had a lot of environments, ranging from the Mad Max-style desert to jungles and cities. The script was a bit weak, but the enemies were tough and the weapons were glorious. The “nanotrite” capabilities that you discovered along the way are critical to defeating the biggest bosses. The art style was absolutely wild, with plenty of bright pink and yellow colors splashed across the punk habitats. And I enjoyed reuniting with my old friend, the Wingstick, which is like a boomerang that could slice an enemy’s head off.
If it had flaws, it was that it wasn’t Red Dead Redemption 2. It often littered the landscape with side missions and enemies to kill, to no purpose. You could get damaged on your way to an important mission, and then have to figure out a way to recover. It’s good if you stayed on track, built your capabilities up, and stuck to the good stuff.
The final part of the game lasted a lot longer for me because I had trouble taking down General Cross, the bad guy, and his pet monster. But to me, it was a thrill when I finally succeeded.
8) Days Gone
Above: A horde of Freakers chases Deacon St. John in Days Gone.
Image Credit: Sony
Developer: Sony Bend Studio
Publisher: Sony
Platforms: PlayStation 4
The amazing success of its first Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) hampered this game, as did a couple of years of delays. By the time it came out, many were sick of it, and it suffered from having some of the worst bugs I’ve ever seen in a triple-A game. Others wrong wrote it off as a copycat of The Walking Dead, World War Z, and The Last of Us.
But I admired Sony’s guts in standing by Bend Studio, and I stuck by it too as my colleagues ragged on it. I played it for perhaps 50 hours over several weeks, and I was quite possibly the last critic to review the game. I rated it only as a 75, because of the bugs. But without them, it would have been more like a 90, based on the quality of its story and the thrill of fighting the hordes of zombies, or Freakers.
I was drawn to the story of Deacon St. John, a bounty hunter in the Oregon woods and a broken man in a fallen world. He had a death wish and could ride a motorcycle through a horde of zombies just to get them to chase him. But Bend Studio delivered on the big scene where a few hundred zombies chased the biker through an abandoned lumber mill. It was a thrill to figure out how to beat that challenge, and I was hooked on the story of how Deacon was haunted by the memory of his lost love Sarah.
The adventure took me across the beautiful Oregon landscape into horrifying creature battles, motorcycle chases, infected crows, memorable horde battles, stealth missions tracking the secretive government agency, and just plain-old surviving in the wilderness. It was kind of an art to orchestrate your escape from several hundred Freakers. And it was good to see Deacon change and become the person that Sarah would have wanted him to be.
7) Steel Division 2
Above: Your forces appear as icons when you zoom out in Steel Division 2.
Image Credit: Eugen Systems
Developer: Eugen Systems
Publisher: Eugen Systems
Platforms: Windows
There are no Metacritic reviews for Steel Battalion 2. I may have been the only one who played it. But I saw the game being played on YouTube by some dedicated influencers with tiny audiences. And I was fascinated. I’ve been playing the Total War series of real-time strategy games since they first debuted more than 15 years ago, and I played Total War: Attila for hundreds of hours in 2015.
And I was glad to pour scores of hours into it this summer into Eugen Systems’ real-time strategy World War II games, which are a niche within a niche. It dwells on a bit of war history I didn’t know much about, Operation Bagration. It was the Soviet Union’s huge summer offensive in Belarus to take back big chunks of Eastern Europe from the Nazis, as the Allied invasion of Normandy was gathering steam in 1944. It was a massive set of tank, infantry, and air battles that left the German Wehrmacht in full retreat on the Eastern Front.
It has a steep learning curve. The game has more than 600 historically accurate units, 18 divisions, and an astounding level of detail in its graphics. You can focus in on an individual scene, such as above, or zoom out to get a birds’ eye view of an entire battle with thousands of soldiers. Your job as general is to constantly feed the right kind of troops into the fray to make the enemy’s forces melt away from you. This is easier said than done, as you can dislodge well-trained enemy squads from a forest trench, even if you’ve got superior armor. The enemy AI is smart, taking out your anti-tank guns on a hill with artillery or air power.
I lost dozens of skirmish matches against the AI before I figured out how to win. On top of the tactical battles, I also got hooked on the Army General mode, where you moved around divisions like chess pieces on a map. But you can still choose to play those huge campaigns, one tactical battle at a time. That’s what is amazing about the title.
6) Gears of War 5
Above: Kait gets here close-up.
Image Credit: Microsoft
Developer: The Coalition
Publisher: Microsoft
Platforms: Windows, Xbox One
Coalition head Rod Fergusson humbly said that Gears 5 was the best entry yet in the Gears saga. And he wasn’t making that up. I was gratified to see the developer get the balance right when it came to creating a wild action game with an emotional story with strong characters such as the hero, Kait Diaz.
Gears 4 got pretty goofy at certain points in its narrative about the human race losing its battle for survival against the Swarm in a world gone mad. But this story balanced that goofiness that brought us chainsaw bayonets with the moments where you mourn the death of a lost friend. These are tough moments because the cast of characters has survived some very tough times, and they’re a close-knit group. When you rip a character out of that group, it leaves deep wounds.
The campaign’s longer than usual, and it features cool features such as a skiff that sails across both the desert and ice. shoot out the ice under the feet of the Scions, the heavy tank bosses that carry a heavy weapon and are often shielded from attack by flying drones. This was very different from past Gears games. I remember spending an hour battling a blind boss, slowly figuring out a kind of choreography to stay out of its way, replenish my ammo, grab new weapons, and spray it with the frosty freeze guns. The title also had some cool additions to multiplayer and co-op play.
Gears 5 delivers a sense that you’re losing a big war at the same time it delivers the blow of a personal loss. And it generates a resolve to hit back. I like how this team outgrew its urges to be goofy and shocking and instead opted for something closer to fine art.
The post The DeanBeat: My favorite games of 2019 appeared first on Actu Trends.
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The damage of defaults
Apple popped out a new pair of AirPods this week. The design looks exactly like the old pair of AirPods. Which means I’m never going to use them because Apple’s bulbous earbuds don’t fit my ears. Think square peg, round hole.
The only way I could rock AirPods would be to walk around with hands clamped to the sides of my head to stop them from falling out. Which might make a nice cut in a glossy Apple ad for the gizmo — suggesting a feeling of closeness to the music, such that you can’t help but cup; a suggestive visual metaphor for the aural intimacy Apple surely wants its technology to communicate.
But the reality of trying to use earbuds that don’t fit is not that at all. It’s just shit. They fall out at the slightest movement so you either sit and never turn your head or, yes, hold them in with your hands. Oh hai, hands-not-so-free-pods!
The obvious point here is that one size does not fit all — howsoever much Apple’s Jony Ive and his softly spoken design team believe they have devised a universal earbud that pops snugly in every ear and just works. Sorry, nope!
Hi @tim_cook, I fixed that sketch for you. Introducing #InPods — because one size doesn’t fit all pic.twitter.com/jubagMnwjt
— Natasha (@riptari) March 20, 2019
A proportion of iOS users — perhaps other petite women like me, or indeed men with less capacious ear holes — are simply being removed from Apple’s sales equation where earbuds are concerned. Apple is pretending we don’t exist.
Sure we can just buy another brand of more appropriately sized earbuds. The in-ear, noise-canceling kind are my preference. Apple does not make ‘InPods’. But that’s not a huge deal. Well, not yet.
It’s true, the consumer tech giant did also delete the headphone jack from iPhones. Thereby depreciating my existing pair of wired in-ear headphones (if I ever upgrade to a 3.5mm-jack-less iPhone). But I could just shell out for Bluetooth wireless in-ear buds that fit my shell-like ears and carry on as normal.
Universal in-ear headphones have existed for years, of course. A delightful design concept. You get a selection of different sized rubber caps shipped with the product and choose the size that best fits.
Unfortunately Apple isn’t in the ‘InPods’ business though. Possibly for aesthetic reasons. Most likely because — and there’s more than a little irony here — an in-ear design wouldn’t be naturally roomy enough to fit all the stuff Siri needs to, y’know, fake intelligence.
Which means people like me with small ears are being passed over in favor of Apple’s voice assistant. So that’s AI: 1, non-‘standard’-sized human: 0. Which also, unsurprisingly, feels like shit.
I say ‘yet’ because if voice computing does become the next major computing interaction paradigm, as some believe — given how Internet connectivity is set to get baked into everything (and sticking screens everywhere would be a visual and usability nightmare; albeit microphones everywhere is a privacy nightmare… ) — then the minority of humans with petite earholes will be at a disadvantage vs those who can just pop in their smart, sensor-packed earbud and get on with telling their Internet-enabled surroundings to do their bidding.
Will parents of future generations of designer babies select for adequately capacious earholes so their child can pop an AI in? Let’s hope not.
We’re also not at the voice computing singularity yet. Outside the usual tech bubbles it remains a bit of a novel gimmick. Amazon has drummed up some interest with in-home smart speakers housing its own voice AI Alexa (a brand choice that has, incidentally, caused a verbal headache for actual humans called Alexa). Though its Echo smart speakers appear to mostly get used as expensive weather checkers and egg timers. Or else for playing music — a function that a standard speaker or smartphone will happily perform.
Certainly a voice AI is not something you need with you 24/7 yet. Prodding at a touchscreen remains the standard way of tapping into the power and convenience of mobile computing for the majority of consumers in developed markets.
The thing is, though, it still grates to be ignored. To be told — even indirectly — by one of the world’s wealthiest consumer technology companies that it doesn’t believe your ears exist.
Or, well, that it’s weighed up the sales calculations and decided it’s okay to drop a petite-holed minority on the cutting room floor. So that’s ‘ear meet AirPod’. Not ‘AirPod meet ear’ then.
But the underlying issue is much bigger than Apple’s (in my case) oversized earbuds. Its latest shiny set of AirPods are just an ill-fitting reminder of how many technology defaults simply don’t ‘fit’ the world as claimed.
Because if cash-rich Apple’s okay with promoting a universal default (that isn’t), think of all the less well resourced technology firms chasing scale for other single-sized, ill-fitting solutions. And all the problems flowing from attempts to mash ill-mapped technology onto society at large.
When it comes to wrong-sized physical kit I’ve had similar issues with standard office computing equipment and furniture. Products that seems — surprise, surprise! — to have been default designed with a 6ft strapping guy in mind. Keyboards so long they end up gifting the smaller user RSI. Office chairs that deliver chronic back-pain as a service. Chunky mice that quickly wrack the hand with pain. (Apple is a historical offender there too I’m afraid.)
The fixes for such ergonomic design failures is simply not to use the kit. To find a better-sized (often DIY) alternative that does ‘fit’.
But a DIY fix may not be an option when discrepancy is embedded at the software level — and where a system is being applied to you, rather than you the human wanting to augment yourself with a bit of tech, such as a pair of smart earbuds.
With software, embedded flaws and system design failures may also be harder to spot because it’s not necessarily immediately obvious there’s a problem. Oftentimes algorithmic bias isn’t visible until damage has been done.
And there’s no shortage of stories already about how software defaults configured for a biased median have ended up causing real-world harm. (See for example: ProPublica’s analysis of the COMPAS recidividism tool — software it found incorrectly judging black defendants more likely to offend than white. So software amplifying existing racial prejudice.)
Of course AI makes this problem so much worse.
Which is why the emphasis must be on catching bias in the datasets — before there is a chance for prejudice or bias to be ‘systematized’ and get baked into algorithms that can do damage at scale.
The algorithms must also be explainable. And outcomes auditable. Transparency as disinfectant; not secret blackboxes stuffed with unknowable code.
Doing all this requires huge up-front thought and effort on system design, and an even bigger change of attitude. It also needs massive, massive attention to diversity. An industry-wide championing of humanity’s multifaceted and multi-sized reality — and to making sure that’s reflected in both data and design choices (and therefore the teams doing the design and dev work).
You could say what’s needed is a recognition there’s never, ever a one-sized-fits all plug.
Indeed, that all algorithmic ‘solutions’ are abstractions that make compromises on accuracy and utility. And that those trade-offs can become viciously cutting knives that exclude, deny, disadvantage, delete and damage people at scale.
Expensive earbuds that won’t stay put is just a handy visual metaphor.
And while discussion about the risks and challenges of algorithmic bias has stepped up in recent years, as AI technologies have proliferated — with mainstream tech conferences actively debating how to “democratize AI” and bake diversity and ethics into system design via a development focus on principles like transparency, explainability, accountability and fairness — the industry has not even begun to fix its diversity problem.
It’s barely moved the needle on diversity. And its products continue to reflect that fundamental flaw.
Stanford just launched their Institute for Human-Centered Artificial Intelligence (@StanfordHAI) with great fanfare. The mission: "The creators and designers of AI must be broadly representative of humanity."
121 faculty members listed.
Not a single faculty member is Black. pic.twitter.com/znCU6zAxui
— Chad Loder ❁ (@chadloder) March 21, 2019
Many — if not most — of the tech industry’s problems can be traced back to the fact that inadequately diverse teams are chasing scale while lacking the perspective to realize their system design is repurposing human harm as a de facto performance measure. (Although ‘lack of perspective’ is the charitable interpretation in certain cases; moral vacuum may be closer to the mark.)
As WWW creator, Sir Tim Berners-Lee, has pointed out, system design is now society design. That means engineers, coders, AI technologists are all working at the frontline of ethics. The design choices they make have the potential to impact, influence and shape the lives of millions and even billions of people.
And when you’re designing society a median mindset and limited perspective cannot ever be an acceptable foundation. It’s also a recipe for product failure down the line.
The current backlash against big tech shows that the stakes and the damage are very real when poorly designed technologies get dumped thoughtlessly on people.
Life is messy and complex. People won’t fit a platform that oversimplifies and overlooks. And if your excuse for scaling harm is ‘we just didn’t think of that’ you’ve failed at your job and should really be headed out the door.
Because the consequences for being excluded by flawed system design are also scaling and stepping up as platforms proliferate and more life-impacting decisions get automated. Harm is being squared. Even as the underlying industry drum hasn’t skipped a beat in its prediction that everything will be digitized.
Which means that horribly biased parole systems are just the tip of the ethical iceberg. Think of healthcare, social welfare, law enforcement, education, recruitment, transportation, construction, urban environments, farming, the military, the list of what will be digitized — and of manual or human overseen processes that will get systematized and automated — goes on.
Software — runs the industry mantra — is eating the world. That means badly designed technology products will harm more and more people.
But responsibility for sociotechnical misfit can’t just be scaled away as so much ‘collateral damage’.
So while an ‘elite’ design team led by a famous white guy might be able to craft a pleasingly curved earbud, such an approach cannot and does not automagically translate into AirPods with perfect, universal fit.
It’s someone’s standard. It’s certainly not mine.
We can posit that a more diverse Apple design team might have been able to rethink the AirPod design so as not to exclude those with smaller ears. Or make a case to convince the powers that be in Cupertino to add another size choice. We can but speculate.
What’s clear is the future of technology design can’t be so stubborn.
It must be radically inclusive and incredibly sensitive. Human-centric. Not locked to damaging defaults in its haste to impose a limited set of ideas.
Above all, it needs a listening ear on the world.
Indifference to difference and a blindspot for diversity will find no future here.
source https://techcrunch.com/2019/03/23/the-damage-of-defaults/
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Text
The damage of defaults
Apple popped out a new pair of AirPods this week. The design looks exactly like the old pair of AirPods. Which means I’m never going to use them because Apple’s bulbous earbuds don’t fit my ears. Think square peg, round hole.
The only way I could rock AirPods would be to walk around with hands clamped to the sides of my head to stop them from falling out. Which might make a nice cut in a glossy Apple ad for the gizmo — suggesting a feeling of closeness to the music, such that you can’t help but cup; a suggestive visual metaphor for the aural intimacy Apple surely wants its technology to communicate.
But the reality of trying to use earbuds that don’t fit is not that at all. It’s just shit. They fall out at the slightest movement so you either sit and never turn your head or, yes, hold them in with your hands. Oh hai, hands-not-so-free-pods!
The obvious point here is that one size does not fit all — howsoever much Apple’s Jony Ive and his softly spoken design team believe they have devised a universal earbud that pops snugly in every ear and just works. Sorry, nope!
Hi @tim_cook, I fixed that sketch for you. Introducing #InPods — because one size doesn’t fit all pic.twitter.com/jubagMnwjt
— Natasha (@riptari) March 20, 2019
A proportion of iOS users — perhaps other petite women like me, or indeed men with less capacious ear holes — are simply being removed from Apple’s sales equation where earbuds are concerned. Apple is pretending we don’t exist.
Sure we can just buy another brand of more appropriately sized earbuds. The in-ear, noise-canceling kind are my preference. Apple does not make ‘InPods’. But that’s not a huge deal. Well, not yet.
It’s true, the consumer tech giant did also delete the headphone jack from iPhones. Thereby depreciating my existing pair of wired in-ear headphones (if I ever upgrade to a 3.5mm-jack-less iPhone). But I could just shell out for Bluetooth wireless in-ear buds that fit my shell-like ears and carry on as normal.
Universal in-ear headphones have existed for years, of course. A delightful design concept. You get a selection of different sized rubber caps shipped with the product and choose the size that best fits.
Unfortunately Apple isn’t in the ‘InPods’ business though. Possibly for aesthetic reasons. Most likely because — and there’s more than a little irony here — an in-ear design wouldn’t be naturally roomy enough to fit all the stuff Siri needs to, y’know, fake intelligence.
Which means people like me with small ears are being passed over in favor of Apple’s voice assistant. So that’s AI: 1, non-‘standard’-sized human: 0. Which also, unsurprisingly, feels like shit.
I say ‘yet’ because if voice computing does become the next major computing interaction paradigm, as some believe — given how Internet connectivity is set to get baked into everything (and sticking screens everywhere would be a visual and usability nightmare; albeit microphones everywhere is a privacy nightmare… ) — then the minority of humans with petite earholes will be at a disadvantage vs those who can just pop in their smart, sensor-packed earbud and get on with telling their Internet-enabled surroundings to do their bidding.
Will parents of future generations of designer babies select for adequately capacious earholes so their child can pop an AI in? Let’s hope not.
We’re also not at the voice computing singularity yet. Outside the usual tech bubbles it remains a bit of a novel gimmick. Amazon has drummed up some interest with in-home smart speakers housing its own voice AI Alexa (a brand choice that has, incidentally, caused a verbal headache for actual humans called Alexa). Though its Echo smart speakers appear to mostly get used as expensive weather checkers and egg timers. Or else for playing music — a function that a standard speaker or smartphone will happily perform.
Certainly a voice AI is not something you need with you 24/7 yet. Prodding at a touchscreen remains the standard way of tapping into the power and convenience of mobile computing for the majority of consumers in developed markets.
The thing is, though, it still grates to be ignored. To be told — even indirectly — by one of the world’s wealthiest consumer technology companies that it doesn’t believe your ears exist.
Or, well, that it’s weighed up the sales calculations and decided it’s okay to drop a petite-holed minority on the cutting room floor. So that’s ‘ear meet AirPod’. Not ‘AirPod meet ear’ then.
But the underlying issue is much bigger than Apple’s (in my case) oversized earbuds. Its latest shiny set of AirPods are just an ill-fitting reminder of how many technology defaults simply don’t ‘fit’ the world as claimed.
Because if cash-rich Apple’s okay with promoting a universal default (that isn’t), think of all the less well resourced technology firms chasing scale for other single-sized, ill-fitting solutions. And all the problems flowing from attempts to mash ill-mapped technology onto society at large.
When it comes to wrong-sized physical kit I’ve had similar issues with standard office computing equipment and furniture. Products that seems — surprise, surprise! — to have been default designed with a 6ft strapping guy in mind. Keyboards so long they end up gifting the smaller user RSI. Office chairs that deliver chronic back-pain as a service. Chunky mice that quickly wrack the hand with pain. (Apple is a historical offender there too I’m afraid.)
The fixes for such ergonomic design failures is simply not to use the kit. To find a better-sized (often DIY) alternative that does ‘fit’.
But a DIY fix may not be an option when discrepancy is embedded at the software level — and where a system is being applied to you, rather than you the human wanting to augment yourself with a bit of tech, such as a pair of smart earbuds.
With software, embedded flaws and system design failures may also be harder to spot because it’s not necessarily immediately obvious there’s a problem. Oftentimes algorithmic bias isn’t visible until damage has been done.
And there’s no shortage of stories already about how software defaults configured for a biased median have ended up causing real-world harm. (See for example: ProPublica’s analysis of the COMPAS recidividism tool — software it found incorrectly judging black defendants more likely to offend than white. So software amplifying existing racial prejudice.)
Of course AI makes this problem so much worse.
Which is why the emphasis must be on catching bias in the datasets — before there is a chance for prejudice or bias to be ‘systematized’ and get baked into algorithms that can do damage at scale.
The algorithms must also be explainable. And outcomes auditable. Transparency as disinfectant; not secret blackboxes stuffed with unknowable code.
Doing all this requires huge up-front thought and effort on system design, and an even bigger change of attitude. It also needs massive, massive attention to diversity. An industry-wide championing of humanity’s multifaceted and multi-sized reality — and to making sure that’s reflected in both data and design choices (and therefore the teams doing the design and dev work).
You could say what’s needed is a recognition there’s never, ever a one-sized-fits all plug.
Indeed, that all algorithmic ‘solutions’ are abstractions that make compromises on accuracy and utility. And that those trade-offs can become viciously cutting knives that exclude, deny, disadvantage, delete and damage people at scale.
Expensive earbuds that won’t stay put is just a handy visual metaphor.
And while discussion about the risks and challenges of algorithmic bias has stepped up in recent years, as AI technologies have proliferated — with mainstream tech conferences actively debating how to “democratize AI” and bake diversity and ethics into system design via a development focus on principles like transparency, explainability, accountability and fairness — the industry has not even begun to fix its diversity problem.
It’s barely moved the needle on diversity. And its products continue to reflect that fundamental flaw.
Stanford just launched their Institute for Human-Centered Artificial Intelligence (@StanfordHAI) with great fanfare. The mission: "The creators and designers of AI must be broadly representative of humanity."
121 faculty members listed.
Not a single faculty member is Black. pic.twitter.com/znCU6zAxui
— Chad Loder ❁ (@chadloder) March 21, 2019
Many — if not most — of the tech industry’s problems can be traced back to the fact that inadequately diverse teams are chasing scale while lacking the perspective to realize their system design is repurposing human harm as a de facto performance measure. (Although ‘lack of perspective’ is the charitable interpretation in certain cases; moral vacuum may be closer to the mark.)
As WWW creator, Sir Tim Berners-Lee, has pointed out, system design is now society design. That means engineers, coders, AI technologists are all working at the frontline of ethics. The design choices they make have the potential to impact, influence and shape the lives of millions and even billions of people.
And when you’re designing society a median mindset and limited perspective cannot ever be an acceptable foundation. It’s also a recipe for product failure down the line.
The current backlash against big tech shows that the stakes and the damage are very real when poorly designed technologies get dumped thoughtlessly on people.
Life is messy and complex. People won’t fit a platform that oversimplifies and overlooks. And if your excuse for scaling harm is ‘we just didn’t think of that’ you’ve failed at your job and should really be headed out the door.
Because the consequences for being excluded by flawed system design are also scaling and stepping up as platforms proliferate and more life-impacting decisions get automated. Harm is being squared. Even as the underlying industry drum hasn’t skipped a beat in its prediction that everything will be digitized.
Which means that horribly biased parole systems are just the tip of the ethical iceberg. Think of healthcare, social welfare, law enforcement, education, recruitment, transportation, construction, urban environments, farming, the military, the list of what will be digitized — and of manual or human overseen processes that will get systematized and automated — goes on.
Software — runs the industry mantra — is eating the world. That means badly designed technology products will harm more and more people.
But responsibility for sociotechnical misfit can’t just be scaled away as so much ‘collateral damage’.
So while an ‘elite’ design team led by a famous white guy might be able to craft a pleasingly curved earbud, such an approach cannot and does not automagically translate into AirPods with perfect, universal fit.
It’s someone’s standard. It’s certainly not mine.
We can posit that a more diverse Apple design team might have been able to rethink the AirPod design so as not to exclude those with smaller ears. Or make a case to convince the powers that be in Cupertino to add another size choice. We can but speculate.
What’s clear is the future of technology design can’t be so stubborn.
It must be radically inclusive and incredibly sensitive. Human-centric. Not locked to damaging defaults in its haste to impose a limited set of ideas.
Above all, it needs a listening ear on the world.
Indifference to difference and a blindspot for diversity will find no future here.
Via Natasha Lomas https://techcrunch.com
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Text
Zach Gage Views of iPhones iOS
Computer programmer Zach Gage has released some great iOS apps. We catch up with him and ask about his work, his life and programming in general.
Q: Tell us about yourself.
A: I’m an artist and a video games developer, and I live in NYC! I'm very lucky in that my day job is doing those things independently. I've been working with computers my whole life. I hooked up our first computer (a Mac LC) when I was six they were pretty easy to hook up. In college, I moved away from programming and pursued more traditional arts (painting, photography, drawing, design), and then after finishing up there I got back into programming through art.
I started making conceptual artworks, digital sculptures, websites, one of the first twitter bots and an iOS sound toy called SynthPond which led me to doing iOS development and reignited my interest in game design. I still do art and games, and see them as stemming from the same creative process. In fact, I just released my latest piece, a conceptual game about Twitter. It's called Twitter Teaches Typing.
Q: How did you get started?
A: I got started in games design with a program called HyperCard when I was seven or eight. It didn't have any programming elements, but you could draw scenes and link them to each other with buttons, so I could make rudimentary point-and-click adventure games. Soon after that I moved onto Apple's Cocoa (which is different to what cocoa is now). It was a very cool visual programming language that was eventually spun off as Stagecast Creator, and is now wholly defunct. When I was in middle school, I went to computer camp where I learned BASIC and then C++. I can't recall my first program, but the first thing I sold commercially was a puzzle platforming game called Escape From Pluto. I sold exactly one copy to one of my friends through a website that let you put games up for sale way back before the year 2000.
Q: What do you think the iOS app store has brought to programming and software sales?
A: I don't think the App Store has really made programming much easier, although learning to program is definitely easier these days. Things like www.processing. org are on the forefront of this. The App Store has definitely made software sales quite a bit easier though, especially for one-man shops like mine. Being able to get started selling things without needing to figure out credit card processing and country-specific taxes, especially in foreign countries, is a huge deal also, being able to see your game or app on a professional store is pretty exciting for people just getting started. When I grew up you had to go to computer stores (which basically don't exist anymore) to get software. I think if I'd been able to sell my little games in boxes on shelves at the store and had been able to tell relatives and friends “Check out my new game! It's at the store”, that would have been extremely cool to me.
For a while, the App Store made marketing easier as well, which was a huge boon to me. Apple still helps significantly with PR if you can manage to get featured, but I think getting above the noise to get the attention of Apple (or anyone) has become a lot harder as the number of apps releasing every day has skyrocketed. I still think Apple does a great job finding small new games, but there's just so much out there. At this point, to get above that initial noise, you kind of need to have your PR together right off the bat or you need to be well networked to people who can help promote you.
Q: You have some pretty zany apps in your collection, such as Really Bad Chess, and Ridiculous Fishing. Where do you get your ideas from?
A: I think about games a lot, and ideas come naturally all the time. Often I have more ideas than I know what to do with, but I like to make quick prototypes of anything that seems like it might be good. I probably discard nine out of ten prototypes, but occasionally something will click and I'll build it out further.
I feel like ideas are important, but ultimately pretty cheap. Most of the difference between something great and something awful is how you put it together. I’ve had so many ideas that sat on a shelf for years because I lacked the core component that would make them amazing. Usually it’s something right under my nose! Ideas are like weird magical universes, and games are just one tiny corner of that universe that's interesting. The real work is in finding those corners, and then figuring out how to share them with people.
Q: What’s your favourite app you’ve written, and why?
A: I don't play favourites with my work. I love them all equally while I'm building them, and find them all utterly exhausting afterwards. I guess if I was forced to choose, Really Bad Chess might be my favourite. It's not often that you get to turn a 1,500-year-old game upside down with such a simple change. I think my games surprise me in terms of how deep and interesting they are when I'm prototyping them (that surprise is the key thing I look for), but Really Bad Chess went much deeper than that. I didn't expect it to transform the experience of learning chess the way it did.
Q: What advice would you give to someone who wants to start app programming?
A: I don't think our ideas should be led by technology. We live in an amazing future time where we're surrounded by these incredible devices all the time and they inspire us and awe us with their power, but ideas built around "what if I had an app that did..." or "imagine a VR game where..." are almost never fruitful. They rely too much on their relationship to technology to be deep. What makes great ideas great is how they build deep connections into our lives.
Someone with very little experience should first think only about the best way to get into programming, because learning programming (any kind of programming) is the gateway to turning your ideas into actual things, and until you've done that, you can't even understand what it means to really even have an idea for a program. I think www.processing.org or https://p5js.org are great places to learn to program. If you're interested in making games, YoYo Games' Gamemaker (www.yoyogames.com/gamemaker) is great, and so is Twine (http://twinery.org). Another pretty good option is to use a html5/javascript library like Phaser (https://phaser.io). The common thread amongst these tools is not only are they designed to be easy to use and accessible but they all have strong communities where you can get help and share your creations. Gamemaker games can compile for iOS, and Twine runs as a website or can be wrapped with something like PhoneGap to run as an app, and Phaser has a whole suite of methods for using touch controls and running as a website (or as an app through something like PhoneGap). None of these programs require having a Mac or an iOS device to start, although you'll need both later (along with an Apple Developer Account) to compile and submit games to the App Store. If you’re dead set on starting with iOS programming proper, I'd recommend having a modern iPhone and a Mac of some kind. Most people use phones instead of iPads and I think you should set your sights as small as possible and only design a game or app for one type of device. iPads and iPhones have pretty drastically different use-cases and you don't want to fall into a trap of having to support a bunch of extra features just to include all devices or the trap of not putting your best foot forward by just releasing something that’s universal but isn't really a great experience. Swift is a fine starting language, but having to learn a professional IDE (Xcode) can be a real struggle for a beginner.
Q: What pitfalls are there when getting an app on the App Store?
A: There’s about a million pitfalls and a billion things it takes to make something successful. If you're looking for a career in this space, the most important thing you can do is have patience. It took me three years and six games and each game I built did worse than the previous one. Years ago I asked around with other successful indies and three years seemed to be the minimum amount of time it took people and that was when getting attention was much easier, so the biggest pitfall is quitting your day job before you have a successful app.
Don't quit your day job. I don't say this as a discouragement, but as advice. You need a revenue stream to maintain your sanity and be relaxed enough to learn the things you need to learn and to make sure you continue to enjoy undertaking this long and arduous process. You need to be able to take risks without the failures destroying you. While I was getting started, I did freelance ad work.
There's so much to learn and everything is constantly changing and shifting under your feet. How do I turn this idea into a real thing? How do provisioning profiles work? How do I understand crash reports? How can I navigate all the strange idiosyncrasies of the app submission process? How do I reach out to journalists and bloggers? How do I network without coming off like a jerk? How do I promote myself without coming off like a jerk? How do I promote myself in a way that feels comfortable to me? How do I amass a fan-base? How much should I charge? How do I build in-app purchases that feel fair? How do I design good screenshots or write a great description? What makes a good name and icon? How do I pitch an idea or story? Who is my audience? What makes my work meaningful? How do I work with ad networks? How do I support the GDPR? What analytics should I use? How do I use analytics? How do I support my work over the long-term? How do I stay sane reading reviews and responding to bug reports? This is just a tiny selection of the kinds of things you'll have to figure out to get a foothold in this industry and the answers to all of these questions are ever-changing, personally variable and bring up many more questions. It sounds scary, but it's not so bad if you take it one thing at a time, but that means giving yourself the kind of environment where you have the space to screw up and the stressfree time to learn slowly. This means releasing many things and not relying on your apps for survival. Successes never come out of the blue, and even the ones that got really lucky are never the first things someone tried. Make sure you give yourself space to try and fail and learn over and over again and make sure that kind of process is the sort of thing that will energise you and give you joy. I hope that wasn't too depressing, but I think pragmatism is important in this line of work. I honestly love this hectic and ridiculous environment, as someone doing risky things; it really benefits me to work in a space where risk is required to find success.
Q: How has the App Store changed over the years?
A: The App Store is ever-changing, so it's hard to pinpoint one thing. I'm not sure anything at all is the same as it was at the outset. The main language people code in has changed. Most of the APIs have shifted. Device screen sizes, resolutions and aspect ratios are different. The design of the App Store and the way games and apps are promoted has changed several times. There are significantly more apps coming out every day than there were at the start. The ecosystem around the App Store has seen the birth and death of many sites and communities. Working with Apple has changed significantly as Apple's priorities have shifted, allocating more resources to the App Store and developers. Communicating with users and managing reviews has changed a lot too. I don't do much differently due to the crowded market. My goal has always been to promote gaming literacy and critical thought to the new communities of players that have shown up since the advent of mobile gaming, and that means that I don't just make games that are approachable to these players, it also means pitching stories to non-gaming or non-tech focused websites and publications. Surprisingly, these markets haven't actually gotten a lot more crowded even though public interest in video games has gone up significantly, so actually the PR part of my work hasn't changed as much as you would expect.
Q: What Apps from other developers are currently taking up your spare time?
A: About a month ago I finished DR. MEEP, which I really loved. I've recently got back into Pokemon GO. The app they made for the Apple Watch is amazing! I've also been playing some Holedown. On the App side of things I use Dark Sky, Fantastical and Reeder, amongst all the standard stuff (Kindle, Audible, Twitch, etc.
A: My wife and I still play Ascension all the time. I also love 868-Hack, Mario Run, A Dark Room, Eliss Infinity, Canabalt, Hook Champ, Threes, Sword & Sworcery, 7 Little Words, King Cashing, Windosill, Super Hexagon, Lost Cities, Blackbar, Boson X, Kero Blaster, VVVVVV, Desert Golfing, Crossy Road, Stellar Smooch, Reigns, and Florence.
Q: What is your development process?
A: I make about forty prototypes a year. Around four to eight of those are good. What I'm looking for with a prototype is for it to be more interesting than I initially thought it would be. Then I try to make some quick design decisions to build upon whatever aspect of them was surprising and interesting. If I'm successful, I usually get a little game that can hold my attention for ten to twenty hours. Maybe two or three of those initial prototypes makes it this far a year. At that point, I need to figure out how to build upon the game again, turning it from something that's fun for ten to twenty hours into something that is fun ideally, forever. Usually only one game makes it that far each year, but also one of the twenty or so prototypes I have kicking around from previous years rears its ugly head and I get an idea that works for it. This tends to result in about two new games a year. I'm basically constantly bailing water out of my boat, but the water is games and every time I get halfway through emptying the boat, I get some other idea that I have to work on right at that moment. It's pretty exhausting, but I feel like if I don't get these games out it's a disservice to the work and the ideas that went into them.
Q: What are you working on at the moment?
A: Right now I have a number of promising prototypes going that I don't want to talk about publicly yet and I'm taking some time to revisit my older games that are still on the App Store to update them and add some significant new features.
Heres his iphone buying guide 2019
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A COMIC LIFE: ERIC MERCED INTERVIEW!
WELCOME TO A COMIC LIFE Episode 3!!
OUR NEW BLOG SERIES FOR MANGA BEGINNERS, A COMIC LIFE, COVERS THE BEST TOOLS FOR CONQUERING THE WILD WILD WEST OF SELF-PUBLISHING AND WEBCOMICS. LAST TIME OUT, WE ADDRESSED HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN COMICBOOK COVER WITHIN THE COMIC LIFE APP by Plasq.
Today, we interview comicbook artist and Comic Life/ Comic Draw user, Eric Merced!
Saturday A.M: From what I understand you were born in Puerto Rico. What town are you originally from?
Eric: I was, yes. I was born in Rio Piedras but was brought to the U.S. when I was still a baby. So most of my childhood and teenage years were spent living in Brooklyn.
Saturday A.M: What was it like being raised by a Puerto Rican family in New York?
Eric: It was normal. I mean, I never noticed a difference between me, my family and my friends and their family. We spoke Spanish mostly to each other but the majority of the time I spoke English with my friends and cousins.
Saturday A.M: Which of the two cultures do you most identify with and why?
Eric: I think because I was raised in N.Y., I identify more with the American culture. I know this because when I visit P.R., I stand out like a sore thumb. Not in a bad way, but they can easily tell I'm not from there, even though I was born there.
Saturday A.M: How did Walt Disney's THE LITTLE MERMAID influence you to become an artist?
Eric: That movie was incredible the first time I saw it. I had seen plenty of cartoon movies but that one was magical. I remember being awed and just thinking to myself, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a cartoonist. While I had dabbled in drawing on and off in the past, after seeing that movie I became dead serious towards working on realizing my dreams.
Saturday A.M: Did you ever consider a career in animation?
Eric: I did. Like I said, when I saw THE LITTLE MERMAID, I wanted to be a Cartoonist and work for Walt Disney. Later I found out what it takes and I chickened out. Lol. Drawing comics are not easy but they are way easier than animating.
Saturday A.M: How did your love for Disney animation transition into a career in comics?
Eric: Disney, and in particular, the Little Mermaid, were my subtle introduction into story and style. I was able to see, feel and experience the power that the Artist has in capturing the imaginations of people. Comics were a more accessible medium to tell a story versus animation for me. I was already into randomly buying an occasional Comic here or there but, after my desire to become a cartoonist, I began to gravitate towards them, almost naturally and instinctively. That's when my focus towards becoming a cartoonist for Walt Disney shifted into becoming a comic book artist. The constant practice, sweating, and struggles have paid off time and time again when I've gotten the opportunity to do work professionally.
Saturday A.M: What is it like being a professional cartoonist? Is the job what you originally thought it would be?
Eric: It has been a mixed bag of nuts, to be honest. When you're young and starting you imagine so many things. You basically glamorize it all. And then, reality sets in. The constant struggle to remain relevant to clients, the bidding for work, the client demands, the pressure to deliver beyond expectations, these are things you never imagine or take into consideration when you're young. But, that sounds like I'm complaining and really, I'm not. It's been fun and rewarding and it's been more than I expected at times. It just never gets old to hold a book you've worked on in your hands. And it never gets old to read and hear about the impact your work has on others. It's a humbling experience that I do not regret being a part of.
Saturday A.M: Could you tell us a little about your career as a freelance comic creator?
Eric: Well, I started freelancing over 11 years ago really. I began working on small little projects here and there. As for major projects, that really didn't happen until I got the opportunity to draw two 150 page graphic novels for Zondervan Publishing. Since then I have had the opportunity to work on all kinds of different projects from comics to illustrations to character designs.
Saturday A.M: From what I understand you consider yourself a Christian...how does your religious beliefs influence your work?
Eric: I had to learn what it meant to be a Christian (which is basically a follower of Christ), and an Artist. When I began I thought that I had to categorize myself as a "Christian Artist", and I quickly found this to be very limiting and thinking within a box. I had to learn that this wasn't about categories but about living and being true to who you are. So as a Christian I have values that naturally show through my work. One compliments the other and one is not dominated by the other.
Saturday A.M: What are the pros and cons of producing exclusively family friendly content?
Eric: To be honest, I really don't see any cons involved in it. Only because, like I said, this is part of my core beliefs. Creating content that both adults and young people can enjoy is who I am. It wasn't always who I was, but this is who I grew up to be, speaking in terms of growing up as an artist and not physically in age. I'm by no means knocking anyone else that doesn't do family friendly content, but merely speaking at a personal level. You have to be true to who you are and who I am is a person that has grown to love creating content for everyone and not just a targeted group of fans. I don't do many shows, as a matter of fact, the only events I currently participate in is Free Comic Book Day, and I absolutely love getting the opportunity to talk to both adults and teenagers and younger kids about my work and the impact it has on them. I wouldn't have that experience if I did, let's say, rated R content.
Saturday A.M: What challenges do religious comic creators face in an increasingly secular world?
Eric: I think the biggest challenge to religious creators who want to exclusively work in that sort of material is actually showing their human nature. I think a lot of artists who want to work in comics and do religious comics, exclusively, are afraid to be human. To show that they too are no different and that they have the same struggles as everyone else. We have so many bad examples of religion in the world, people holding hateful signs or saying hateful things in the name of God, or people committing terrorist acts in the name of God, that's not it, that's not true religion. So how do we show what being a true believer is? That's the challenge.
Saturday A.M: Was it difficult transitioning from traditional art to becoming a full-time digital artist?
Eric: It was because I had to learn a whole new set of tools I wasn't used to. I had to learn about menus and how features were hidden in them and I had to learn how to properly export work for whatever I wanted to do. It was a new yet exciting world, and that excitement is what drove the desire to learn.
Saturday A.M: How did you develop your unique art-style?
Eric: Time. Lol. Seriously. I just immersed myself in artwork from artists I loved and a lot of their work began to rub off on me until finally, whatever it is I have now style wise, emerged. The style is something that takes time and patience. I didn't know this at first but learned it the hard way. I'm just happy to be at a place in where people realize there is something there that's recognizable.
Saturday A.M: What makes the iPad Pro and Apple Pencil your weapons of choice?
Eric: Everything! I hit this device so hard when Apple first announced it because, like so many other Artists, I was hoping they would follow in Microsoft's path and do some kind of iOS/Mac OS hybrid. But the first time I tried that pencil, that was it. I was sold. I had already used apps like Procreate and Adobe Draw on an iPad mini before, and so once I experienced that pencil iPad Pro combo, my imagination lit up with endless possibilities. And I wasn't wrong. Keep in mind that before the iPad Pro, I was using a Wacom Cintiq and a smaller Windows Surface-like tablet. But none of those felt the way the iPad Pro and Apple Pencil felt like. It is such an amazing device, I can go on but I won't.
Saturday A.M: What makes the iPad Pro and Apple Pencil superior to other digital hardware? Is it the portability, fluidity or simplicity?
Eric: For me, it's pretty much all of those things. I wouldn't say it's superior to a Surface Pro or any other device in general because it's a matter of choice. What works for me, in this case, the iPad Pro and Apple Pencil, may not work for another Artist.
Saturday A.M: What makes the Comic Draw App unique and how does it make comic creation easier?
Eric: Man, I love that app. It's one of those apps that you have to keep at it to really get. It has so many little, hidden nuggets and the developers (which are a really cool set of guys) are working hard towards making it better. I love Procreate, that's my main app for everything that's not related to drawing a comic. And before Comic Draw, I was using Procreate together with the Graphic app and Medibang Paint to draw my comics. So Comic Draw basically took over the job of all those other apps. That's how great it is. It's not the best app nor is it perfect but man, it's good. It's unique in that it's the first iPad app that allows you to compress a lot of the comic creating process into a single app. You can write out your script, Draw, ink, color and even letter your comic all within a single app. And as if that weren't enough, you can use it as a reader to flip through your comic at any stage. Highly recommend it.
Saturday A.M: What is your favorite feature in the Comic Draw App?
Eric: I love the way it divides all the stages into workspaces. But I'd have to say, the perspective tools are my favorite feature. Not so much the tool itself but how Comic Draw handles perspective on a per panel basis versus the way Procreate does it which is on a per canvas bases.
Saturday A.M: Thus far you have worked for many of the big names in comic book publishing, Is there any other company you'd like to work for if given the chance?
Eric: I did work for Marvel and D.C., on a small scale. I'd love to be able to do work for them on a larger scale. But I also dream of one-day publishing through Image comics.
Saturday A.M: What is the most important quality you believe all artists should have?
Eric: Kindness. It doesn't matter how amazing you are, if you're a jerk, that reflects on your work big time. Kindness elevates your work even higher. Remembering that, if you get the opportunity to draw for a living, it's not so entirely because of your skills, but because of people, who become your fans, come to love your work, and you owe it to them to be kind.
Saturday A.M: Thanks for your time, Eric!
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