drinking is a mistake

i wish things were easier this is the toughest point in my life right now. and people could ask, 'salem? whys that? are you having physical issues? is school hard? is home life bad?' and honestly no not really. my body is fine im not in pain. schools easy as hell and i dont even have to do it wveryday. home life could be better but it isnt Bad. all this shit is internal. i cant trust my own thoughts anymore, i feel guilty for feeling things i cant control, i feel like everyone i get too close to will abandon me. im a wreck and people could just tell me, 'youre fine all you do is sleep all day and then play games and eat and talk to a few people and then repeat its not that hard' but honestly my feelings will be the death of me someday id much rather feel physical pain than go through the agonizing thought that everyone i love doesnt love me or that im the worst person and i over analyze all i do. id rather stab myself in the gut than feel like my thoughts arent my own and that someone is making me think differently than i actually feel. ive been tryinf to act as okay as i can in hopes that sometime soon itll all go away but memories and delusions never fade for me they all come back and hit me in the face when im most vulnerable qnd alone i want to be able to have a healthy relationship with my best friend i want to be able to go one day without feeling as if i do everything wrong in my own wyes i wanna go one day without feeling like i have to pick sides wirh my parents i wanna go one fuckint day without cryinf alone ar 1-3am because of shit that seems so small but is the worst shit ive dealt with so far and it hurts to me and i cant get these feelinga out in a healthy manner all i do is eat and cry and talk to my dad about it on Special occasions ehen it gets so bad and i just want to die more than anything. i need help i need medication id rather be a zombie than feel like this im so cruel and sensitive and jealous and unhealthy in evert aspect and i dont knkw how to betrer myaelf for others in a way that doesnt hurt me or make me think everything i do is wronf and that im gonna turn out like Him and be bad to my partners and god indont want to i want to be able to have healthy relationships especially with my friends who mwan the world to me im just such a terrible pwraon i cant even take myself anymore i'd kill to be someone else. someone better and more understanding and caring and patient. all mt friends have to deal with me over analyzing everything and thinking they hate me and me being irritable over wverything and me being jealous and me beinf an idiot and me just being the worst friend in existence i want to be better i kbow ive done shit wronf ive been such a twrrible friend and things are so fucking hard and theyre worse now that i think everything indo isnmean and wronf and i cant stop it i cant stop thinkinf im twrrible even ir someone who meant the world to me said i was a good person i wouldnt believe it i cant

Go ahead and punish me more...as if i didnt have enough of that while you were gone... Please...lie after lie kept popping up...kell never understood why i said the situation was delicate...i...was letting you in...or get closer...not necessarily to me, but to people i also associated with... Idk...i just...with all the things i...learned while you were gone...you would expect me to hate you...kell hasnt stepped in my shoes...and she wont...but she sure as hell has not been through hell unless she has walked in my shoes....for the past 6 months it has been...learning things i didnt even look for... You...have control of this...and youre choosing to punish me...for what cody...doing acts that came from a place of love? Cause i already established i didnt kick kell from ts. So the only reason to keep me banned is for your own ego...so why? To punish me more... In which case, you are selfish...cause ive been punished just fine for the past 6 months just fine...when i unfriended you on fb...that was difficult for me to do...but your problems chased me down even without you around... I honest to god almost thought you fucking erped or rped to..my personality or looks vecause they fuckint xonfused ME for you. ME! GOD THAY MADE ME M3LT DOWN EVEN MORE. So punish me more and keep me bqnned. Fuck. Its not like i had a choice the first time. I aint...ugh. Someone who single handedly /gkicks all the members of its guild and takes their own damn time to screen shot the roster and send it to me and caption it "you vaused this" is a fucking idiot. Who the fuck deletes all the people and blames someone 3lse for it? For fucks sake. Get your head out of your ass. Quit blaming me for everything that goes wrong but oh surprise you dont blame me for every good thing that happens. Has any good thing happened? Thats what saddens me more. You know i fucking gave you good if not perfect days. Thqts what saddens me more. Ugh. This act of keeping me banned is you basically...continuing this to a 7 month mark...and keeping me punished...for another month...for what...your ego? I didnt do shit...if i did it wasnt intentional...i try to do it from a place of love and...gos you idiot i knew those posts related to you...but you wont let me get close and get snqppy at me when i dont help or try to help Cody gdi you cwnt have it both ways God. You choosing to keep me blocked shows...it shows me nothing tbh... Wverything is unconfirmed...idk if im dealing with the jaded cody or fucking sincere cody... so why figure it out at all....why bot just drop it until you straighten up and approach me about it when youre ready... Why should my life be on hold for it... So all i can do is hug you....hold you just like that night in PA...just...hold you... Cquse im stepping back so you wont be able to punish me anymore...im punishrd cause i chose to stay....idgaf if you "asked" for space xause you kept pulling me back yourself. Dont say i couldnt fuck off cause you couldnt either.

Yep. Way to be edgy too and say we all are angels who just forgot to fly Yeah lucifer was an angel. Shit. Bitch more lile you broke other angels wings and tore em off and claimed them as yours. Youre gonna float but you wont soar as high as others. Im just fucking speechless at this point. Relationships dont run on memes and edgelord comments you guys can relate to. You both will be each others undoing at this rate. You wanna know what ive been doing for the past 6 months? You ran away from your rl friends and went to swtor trying to find replacement friends. Yeah, replacements. I still remember your comments about aris or whoever reminding you of eric and aomeone else as jose. Im js. But you cant make othwr people replacementa. They are each unique. I wanted to make sure you had at least one real friend (me) but nope ive gotten fucked over wvery fucking sincere attempt ive taken. Fucking take a walk in my shoes where i had to choose you over me every fucking time your choice wouldnt benefit me much or at all. It was actually working against my odds if anything. Nope bitch dont twll me youre an angel kell. Your choicws were all for personal gain. Fun fact she has 25 mill. She didnt need your 3 mill. Yes i have photos cause she fucking bragged Ahe also bragged about the schematics she needs on when the bitch doesnt wven craft She doesnt craft. She fucking even wrote it in fucking ops chat "i just need so lmlei cant have it" She has like 15 schematics in her inventory that cant be used cause she doesnt craft. So its as if she needed on things she doesnt want or need but ahe lets it take up wmpty spacw in her life just so she feels like she has some worth. Bitch, i just used psychology. Fucking idiot. Cody, metaphorically, you are one of those schmeatics. You fucking are another object. Congrats. You yourself put your ass in that position to be used. Dont you fucking blame me or others. You are in charge. The time you fucking took charge, you fucking banned and kicked me. Gee gee Just gee gee Tired of looking aftwr your ass I was never required to but i...i cared enough to I was stupid to care enough to I didnt want you fqlling fast and hard and i was stupid cause i got caught in that fall. You have real frienda vut youre keeping too much trasg around to see. You are not obligated to ducking keep friends happy. Your real frienda are just happy you exist. God. Even yoyr rl friends saw what kell wrote on your post and wanted to jump on her. You...ugh! I know you. I know you hate making your friends happy 24/7. I know you hate its a daily fucking job. Because you cant even make yourseld happy so why are you gonna bother. Nah. No. Actually. You make it a thing to try making othwrs happy but yoy cant *truly* do that unless you even know what happiness is. Unless you can find happiness here, right now, in the present...you wont find it elsewhere. I know youre battling inner demons but you have real frienda that are simply hqppt be ause you are thwir friends but you choose to go to fake ass friends who need to be paid to be youe friends. Yes cody, you are too kind. But youre a fucking ass to the friends who kept it real with you. Its on me i stayed but its on you for being an asshole. Yes im saying it. You were an ass to me cody. You call me passive agressive? Fuck no. You going behind my back and shit talking is passive agressive. Idgaf if you didnt mean it.... cody you said it...its the principle of it all I keep saying ypure misguidex but fine whatevwr. I keep saying youre depressed but fuck no Grow up and have accountability because i am not the cause of your own inner demons. You blame me for wvery shir that happens in your life then,you should blame me for yhe good things too. I helped you get where you are. God damn. I fucking kept you company pn drives and i fucking helped talk you up to lwave your job Kell thinks she has shit over me. Yeah no. I fucking helped you take leaps from where you were. Shes helping you have no friends and be fake as fuck. Cody. Your real friends are waitinf for you. I see why they stepped back when you started running. They told me to watch myseld xause id get ducking caught. I see it now. You say i made you...ugh who cares abymore. Long story short all your friends, including me, are stwpping back. You are always worthy od my time if you straighten up and stop blaming me for everything like a child. You know that fucking brrak up month was fucking more hectic and it was hextic on your part. You were teaching the pawn shop people, you were packing, you were driving a lot, you were having to feal with your mom cause she talked about your depression I font fucking know. I just know it was hectic and i wasnt deluding myself. There were a lot of changes and i wasnt the xause of that fucking atress. You put the blame on me. Lets all be fu king realistic. I tried calming you and fucking telling you to get rest you blah. I will never regret staying aimply because my acts each came from a place of love. But now...i gotta step back like your friends. Fyi, i didnt make you stop talking to your friends. You didnt talk to them for 5 years. I caught up with each one more than you have. It takes effort to talk to people. I wasnt hete for 5 years cody. Dont blame me for uour lack of friends like kell does. You dont have friends cause you chose trash over your rral friends. We will genuinelt keep up with what you are doing...her? She will want to know gossip. Kell is different: she has no friends cause shes a hoe in rl too. Please i didnt fucking cause that. If she caused that shit in rl then its plausible she did it in game too. Shit. She sucked klebis dry, he sucked kldbis dry, and you have less than klebis or wick does so idk wtd she wants feom you other than your money. Money is money. Idk. I AINT fucking staying to waych tho Pft kell chased me onto other team speaks you idiot. Your ts isnt being used even by kell. Kell you lost more friends for sure by getting me kicked for your stupid shit. You stupid idiot. God. But yeah she xhased me onto otther ts but we were genuonely afk and even if we werent i wouldnt fucking talking to her. Fucking bitch. I gave you my number fucking uae it hoe. God. Shittiest girl ive wvwr met Grow up damn it. Take your sweet damn time but if im not around then who will ypu blame huh? I made your life easier....so yoy wouldnt have accountability Even aftwe all this bs guess what, i still succeeded I left you a successful guild and prog team. But you threw it away. Fyi they didnt mind a sorc being on the team Even then i left but got a replacemwnt. Dethus doesnt fuck around with operatives cause he likes clearing content. Ik he wont fuck around. I also considered his personality. Aris and gold liked him. Good for me. Dethus and onako know each other. They all fucking click cody. Yes. It was a good trwm. No fucking bullshit Gos damn it cody i left you a family Dont fucking go to them until you straighten youraeld up but ypu do have people yo turn to. Avoid fucking muffins. Fucking pastry fucking makes me wanna die. Ask avoniel. Shit. He was trying to gauge if i was the problem or muffins. Its fucking muffins. Jealous piece of shit. Im too busy fucking focusing on you to give wick any fucking thought. Fucking hoe got me punished for her own problems. Fucking shit i dont even wanna go through the wntire story yet. God. Fucking immature bish tho. They were on a break at the time and shes keeping tabs on him and wick was raiding with me cause he asked me to help distract him. Of course i will. With fucking raids. Idiot. We werent flirting. St all. I made him kill shit is all. Wick blames himself but its muffins who told vexus. Fucking idiot. Avon didnt even know. He fucking said he didnt believe it...then fucking wick confirmed and hes like yep muffins is the one creating shit and im here trryibg to just raid. Fuckinf shit. All those stwps i took to take muffins feelings into consideration and she does one thing and was careless and fucked so fucking bad. Fucked wverything even. Fuck. God damn i wont be around for you to blame anymore so straighten up. Then you can talk to me but even your mom says you cant fucking ask gor space and pull me back I never told you to raid with me I saw you wanted to hang There will be other raids vut you join mine The one i advertised for Dont say i dragged you anywhere. You wanted to participate. Im glad you raided. But im sad you keep pulling lie out of lie out of your ass to act as if you arent you. Bitch i saw yoy get me killed at dp or df. I saw you fucking not taunt. It chased my ass and killed me. Hope you had fun and got it out of your system. Yoy worked harder to make sure i couldnt tell but i dont see why. Cody...i want you to change if you wanna change. I never wanted you to change. I want yoy to be yourself. Fuck. It was a pleasure cause damn i can tell mechanics now and see how you play. Watching you through skype helped me learn ngl. I rexognized raids. I aint stupid. I told kell to,kick droids that explode onto the raid team. I can fuck around too. Shit. Have fun with this shit show you keep putting yourself in. Cody you put yourself in fake....sureoundings...sigh. i know mass effect is coming out and im like that is a blessing cause you and i will disappear to fucking play on our own. God knows i need fucking alone time. But you? God i hope you still feel the same way about tali'zorah. I hope what you said about hwr and me was real and still relevant.