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vyl3tpwny · 2 years

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ANTONYMPH (and the things that made it)

art by @voreburger

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It has been one year since I released Antonymph. This song seriously changed my life and, it would seem, the lives of many others. I am grateful for the apparent impact it has had on people and I'm hopeful that the reach of its message will continue to spread.

I wanted to talk about how we got here.

Between the months of November 2020 and July of 2021, I experienced a gauntlet of emotional trauma, hardship, and declining physical & mental health. These things came after being newly out as trans, kicked out of my home by my family, transitioning from being a college student to a totally independent adult within the span of a month or two, moving away from my home of 21 years to somewhere I've never been before, and then trying to balance all this with the onset of COVID around the world. In January of 2021, all of these things adding up and weighing on me led me into this rabbit hole of thoughts about my life in the past, present, and future. Namely, though, I thought about my home in San Francisco, where I was far away now. I thought about the memories and things that made me who I was up until that point, especially the bad stuff. The whole project of CUTIEMARKS was an analysis of my life's mental struggles throughout my childhood and budding adulthood, examined through the characters of MLP:FiM.

And you know, it wasn't all everyone and everything else. Growing up, I had felt inclined to be a lot of negative forces myself. To be honest, I'm not precisely sure where it came from, and though I'm glad I grew from it, I still used to be that way. When considering a lot of the things of my past I encountered two things that would eventually become the hallmark reasons for creating Antonymph:

I was a dick to people. In so many ways, I was just an asshole for a lot of my life. I still kind of am sometimes, but I think everyone is. I really mean I was a cunt. This overinflated ego, this desire to shut people down for what they liked, this idea that I was always right and I know best about everything. I acted on this a lot and hurt a lot of people, even my closest friends (many of whom are still around me today, and I'm endlessly thankful they stuck with me through my worst).

I was also made to feel the same way, both directly and indirectly. I talked a lot about how it felt like there was pressure from the people closest to me to only like certain things and other things are not good enough to be enjoyed. This comes especially in the case of music, where it felt like there was a lot of disdain around me for pop and non-traditional music. This extended to all types of media though. I wouldn't have been caught dead being perceived as enjoying something like My Little Pony for a while.

So conceptually speaking, my desire to write something like Antonymph came as a rebellion against these things; against the ways I treated people and the ways I was treated.

At this point of my life, I had also recognized this sort of perpetual depression and negativity that pervaded me at all times. Any type of positive emotion would either be subdued or otherwise disappear within moments. It felt like I couldn't love things and I was always just clenching my shoulders preparing for things to hurt all the time.

So, back to January 2021. Sophie Xeon, a musician who I looked up to and felt comfort in, has just died. Very few celebrity deaths have ever affected me, but this one was very personal and intense. I remember going to bed shaking and feeling sick. It was an uneasiness I'll always be able to picture vividly in my head. In the spirit of her unabashed creativity and love for everything, I started conceptualizing a project that would be as bold as I felt she was.

The first, and only, title for this project was "CUTIEMARKS (and the things that bind us)".

A deep dive into SOPHIE's work and her peers' work led me to examine the inspirations for PC Music. From there I rediscovered my love for the dancepop of the late 2000's and early 2010's. Carly Rae Jepson, Kesha, Katy Perry, etc. Around the time I started really using the internet, I secretly loved this music even though it felt like I was going against everything I was supposed to stand for at the time. I grew up in a cishet, Christian, potentially elitist music space. Things that evoked anything other than that induced guilt to enjoy. But I very, very, secretly, quietly, loved that stuff.

So I decided to make some synth patches that evoked those feelings

That's what led to this:

Once this demo was made, the path became rather clear for what I wanted to do. Around the time of the songs that inspired it, I was getting really into Tumblr and all the glittery, kitschy parts of the internet. I had been talking a lot with @voreburger (Pico) at the time of this and had a feeling he would be super into the idea. It started out as just wanting to have Fluttershy coming out of her shell with the help of internet culture. It was after pitching this idea to Pico that he sent me back a rough draft:

The idea was really coming together it seemed. What really drove it was his use of the Gir hoodie, really solidifying the internet time period(s) we were after. The Nintendo DS, the browser extension toolbars, and all that; he was onto something incredible.

By the second draft, I still only had "Antonymph (demo1)" made on my end. Taking inspiration from the art he was doing, I started writing lyrics and programming some drums:

After I had these additions to ground the idea, I started getting more ideas for the art direction of the song.

By this point I want people to understand how much Pico was instrumental to the conceptualizing and execution of this whole project. We bounced so many ideas off of each other and worked to string everything together. It wasn't a case of me commissioning him for a few things and calling it a day, it really wouldn't exist the way it does without him.

In order to test chroma key stuff, he sent this icon that he made.

It was here that I realized that Antonymph could be something bigger. There was now a few pieces of "Fluttershy in a gir onesie" that could be used for a semi-animated music video. I said to Pico the words "we'll create an entire culture around one song". That was essentially the manifesto, how deep I wanted this whole thing to go.

So I got to work. (This also appears to be the first mention of "Fluttgirshy" in our DM's)

youtube

I ran the lyrics by Pico in a group chat and we talked about the lyrical direction of the song. After coming up with some stuff together we ended up with demo3:

Between March, 2021 - May, 2021, I took time off from the Antonymph studio sessions for a few reasons:

The visual aspect of the project was now in full effect. I was messaging many of my favourite mutual artists and pitching Antonymph to them and explaining what I needed.

Focusing otherwise on lyrics.

I was working on the other CUTIEMARKS songs, now that the album was no longer a small EP project (which it was originally intended to be, as it always ends up with my music).

It was intimidating to work on Antonymph. It was very clear by this point that it was going to be a big project and a big song, likely to be heard by a lot of people. We all expected this from the start, though it ended up being even more than we imagined. Still, knowing this made it harder to work on the song because the pressure was really on.

Now at this point, many other concepts have been injected into the idea of Antonymph too:

Queerness needed to be a big part of this. Making a song about self acceptance and expression had to entail queerness (like many other aspects of CUTIEMARKS, anyway).

I wanted to help heal my homesickness a little bit, so the music video would start to include video clips that I took in California (most notably, the intro of the music video shows my BART route from San Francisco to Daly City).

I wanted my friends to be a part of it in some way. I couldn't include everyone, but I did a lot to make sure that the people I cared most about would be included in this project, knowing it would be seen by lots of people. I wanted to bring them along for this whole thing. Lots of clips in the music video include videos of my friends, and I took lots of suggestions about the song from friends in servers and group chats.

As a spiritual sequel to "Lesbian Ponies With Weapons", I wanted the song to speak to a lot of the issues our generation is facing around the world especially in the wake of civil rights and economic inequity.

Between May 17, 2021 - May 27, 2021 there were two more Antonymph demos:

After demo4, I asked friends and patreon subscribers if they wanted to be included in the song by way of putting a group of everyone saying "hell yeah" in the second verse. demo5 is where this first is implemented, but all the voices wouldn't be included until the very final version of the song.

art by @sterfler / @uzon

Slowly but surely, everything came together. I worked endlessly on coordinating all the art stuff and doing the video editing and graphic design, until eventually:

It was done. February 24, 2021 - May 28, 2021.

I don't usually talk about finances, but I know for certain that the Antonymph project itself had costed well over $1.5k to make. This is disregarding everything else I had invested into the creation of the CUTIEMARKS album entirely, and is limited purely to Antonymph by itself. And as this project has helped to grow myself as a musician, I should be able to make more projects of this scope in the future.

A few days later, I premiered the trailer for it on June 4, 2021:

youtube

And then of course, what followed was the music video itself.

youtube

And just like that, it felt like I had taken my first breath of fresh air in a long time. I braced for the response to this, and what followed was extraordinary. Across social media, the #antonymph and #fluttgirshy tags were filling with people making fanart of the interpretation of Fluttershy that Pico and I, along with the many other incredible artists, spent many months getting just right. It all went to even inspire the parody project on SiIvaGunner's channel:

youtube

Antonymph was born from the ashes of my trauma and memories, and was forged between me and a dedicated team of incredible visionaries to become this thing that a lot of people connect with now. If I was going to put out a project of this scope and reach, I wanted to make sure it was positive and inspiring, and had the potential to live past its release as something that would continue to influence people for the foreseeable future.

So, Antonymph feels like a HUGE explosion of colours and emotions. And that's because it is. Everything had mounted up to that point. Endless amounts of hardship and mistakes, culminating into something that would be unabashedly beautiful.

I am forever grateful.

Thank you so much. + Thank you so much to Pico for making this project one of the best ever.

Oh, and as an extra special thank you, the stems to ANTONYMPH are now freely available to everyone: https://we.tl/t-j7WJ9dQ6tT

art by @astroeden, made specially for the one year anniversary of Antonymph <3

#vylop #vyletpony #vylet pony #my little pony #mlp #fim #friendship is magic #fluttershy #fluttgirshy #antonymph #cutiemarks #Youtube

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cleostoohot · 2 years

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So Basically I am Into Law Of Assumption From October 2021 and In that Period I manifested nothing(Bcs I never put in work) But On 7 July 2022 I started Doing (3DolcxROEx12 Hours Challenge{In Which I affirmed 10 Times Instead of 30 For Every hour} ) I did this For Complete 4 And Half Day And In This Period I kept My Thoughts In Check I didn't let Myself Spiral,Waiver,React to 3D For This Complete Period But still I didn't saw Result WHY ?? And I was Affirming for whole 3 weeks that I get full subliminal result In Just 1 listen and Even this Period I kept my Thoughts In check and Whenever I thought its not working I told myself its working But still after persisting this Long I didn't saw result In My 3D Why?? And In This Period I was complete Delusional and I didn't even gave Fuck to 3D But Still I got 0 result Why ?? And If Law Is Real Then why I didn't got result and If Its Not plss tell me 😞

My Affirmation Was :-

ROE,I manifest In 1 hour or less than that

ROE,I always wakeup Into Void State

ROE,I always Get Into void state by just saying Icecream 3 time

[This All Was My Affirmation.I am telling This Bcs If There Is Some Prblm In My affirmation and Just You should get Over all view of my Condition]

i’m so sick of you guys asking me CLEO WHY WHY WHY isn’t my manifestation here WHY is it taking me long WHY do other people do it easier than i do WHY is this not working WHY are you asking meeeee? if all you need to manifest is yourself, all your answers is within yourself too. i am not you. i can’t tell you what you did wrong when you tell me the bare minimum at that. you guys be doing nothing but obsess, doubt, waver, then when you find a new technique and it doesn’t work within a few days you still obsess, doubt, and waver????? if doing that shit didn’t help you the first time then how can it help you the next time? or the time after that????? then you tb some “iF tHe lAw iS ReAL”……… it’s fucking lifeeeeee. is your life real? YES. stop looking at the law of assumption as some magical new thing just because you discovered it some months ago. it’s BEEN real since you were born. like jesus christ’s 80% of my inbox is y’all asking me where your manifestation is like i got air tags on them bitches i do not fucking knowww. i made a posts giving possible reasons based on my experience, that’s all i can tell you luvv. like i understand y’all just want the best for y’all selves and want to live your dream life but that all starts with you taking accountability for your actions. go back to square 1 if you have to. work on how you view yourself, work on how you view your relationship with the law, then get your mf desires. stop acting like all of this shit is out of your control because it’s the complete opposite. you are controlling everything.

and this goes for everybody who has asked me “where is my manifestation” in any way shape or form in the past & for yall who’s gonna ask me in the future since y’all seem to not actually take in the information i and other bloggers put out to help y’all and just jump into our inbox with questions we all ready damn answered.

& i get passionate with stuff like this because it literally took ME finally telling myself enough is enough in order to start getting exactly what i wanted. coaches or other people weren’t doing shit but just answering my basic ass questions that i already knew the answered to. i just wanted reassurance. i had to lift myself up out of that cycle, and place myself into a new cycle of constant manifestations. do the same. if i can it’s completely possible.

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omgzineplease · 1 year

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Fast Facts:

- I am the founder of the zine, and also one of the admins of the zine's discord server

- I joined the fandom back in july of 2020 when I happened by the comic at like 2 am and then read through it all in one sitting 🫠 (the brainrot is REAL)

- I like videogames (mostly 3d platformers, rhythm games, and roguelikes/lites) I also like drawing, and watching series (my favorite shows are Mob Psycho 100 and The Dragon Prince)

About me:

Hello, I'm Atlas!

I'm 24 years old, and I'm also from Argentina (also i'm bi and polyam)

This comic REALLY gripped onto my brain (even helped me realize I was bi) and so I wanted to give back to it by starting a zine (and hopefully keeping it going through multiple editions)

I've been lurking around this fandom for a while now, fighting the good fight and spreading the frog agenda as far as I can whenever possible 🫡

Fun facts:

- I started the whole idea of the zine as an excuse to get the people to draw the frogs more 😈

- I have 2 cats and 2 dogs

- My first time going to pride was back in 2021 (it was a BLAST)

Things I Think Would Be Cool in the Zine

- Polyfrogs/Polyfarms, obviously

-Charmer and Nurseydex are also super sweet

-Bittydex too, actually. Very underrated ship, but it's still one of my favorites 💕

-Also adore stuff about characters being looked after because of an injury or sickness or something

- I always find it super adorable when characters get together and have kids, so I'd also love that kinda stuff

#omgcp #check please #omg check please #omg zine please #omgzp #polyfrogs #polyfarms #bittydex #eric bittle #william poindexter #omgcp bitty #omgcp dex #the frogs #charmer #nurseydex

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tenebrare · 1 year

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Deus Ex- Sarif's attack dog (revisited) + Post about how and why this revisit came to be aka some self-reflect (warning: long, ... OMG too long)

During Inktober2022, when I was forced to (as its part of the challenge) post daily, in some point I took a look of my 2022 postings in general. I found that I have taken my blogs title "Sketchbook and doodles" too literal. Almost all my works posted were... are... 1-2 day quick scribbles and clearly unfinished. Except 3. 2 of which were done in 2021 and still fit the 1-2 day filling and one work which I had done while recovering serious health related issue and was forced to focus only on recovery and I kept working on a singular piece the time without thinking about completing the piece itself (as my goal was just to fill the time I was awake and give my brain something else than health to think about) nor being stressed by war, bills, work. And out of those 3 remaining works that last is only one I wouldn’t know how to change, when I open its original file now. Also the other remotely almost passable as closer to complete works were done before war and illness. Why I have rushed like this – where was I hurrying to? Did I believe I improve better if I do more? Yet my best fan-work of 2022 is one I did, when I was physically so weak I was barely able to hold any objects like my pen (even eating and holding a spoon exhausted me to the point I slept hours afterwards), but just invested more time on doing something. Inktober was like a sum of the same – out of the 31 works I did, the best one in my opinion is the one I failed at original day and did bit by bit on other remaining days. Where am I running to? I should sit the f*** down. 2022 is trying to tell me something and I should listen. It 1st broke my graphics card few days in. Started a war close enough month after. Got me ill and almost killed me next month after that and then heatwaved me to heat-sickness soon as I started to do some recovery few months down. Canceled all my long planned events and activities for august and changed what-and-how in September. Only thing it did not cancel was me seeing my favorite band in July (in fact ‘universe’ in particular delayed the gig to be in 2022 from 2020). Maybe by November I should take the darn hint? … I finally sat down after Inktober. Meditated a few days, sitting back against almost ice cold-radiator in a 12C room (the machinery in basement shut itself off again and it was 12C outside as well). So I went back and took one the unfinished works and gave myself no time limits - „It is done, when it is done.” I told myself - “I am not running anywhere, no one gave me deadline. I do this because I love doing stuff like this. Do it like you just hired yourself and want your moneys worth. And above all – have fun. I must have fun again, like when I was 2 and scribbled believing I am greatest painter in the world and for my family I was.” Uh, and the widget in the basement started working after I had found calm in self as well worked on this piece a few days and is stable 21C now. If I’d believe in paranormal, I’d say this house is alive and is catching up my moods. But thanks, house, for the widget being back online. The gas company found no fault in the widget and its systems. Not in spring, when it stopped working 1st time after being just installed, nor this falls … Well… in this region we believe that old houses have their own spirits and personalities after all. Here’s “Sarif’s Attack Dog” as I wanted it to be 8 months ago. Just spent 5 times more time on it. Viewer, who wants, does find flaws in it and could argue about ‘its done, when its done’ part, but it is not about if someone else can do it better, likes it or does not like it or any other 100 problems, but its about how I wanted it to look-like in given moment and gave myself time to do it. Maybe it should be my 2023 years resolution? “Sit the f-down and take my sweet time on all things I do – including fan-art?” Provided 2023 doesn’t try to kill me again, like 2022 did… tehehe? PS! That lone fully completed 2022 fan-art of mine was Francis Pritchard hacking Adams computer in Prague

#deusex #deusexfanart #deusexart #deus ex #david sarif #adamjensen #adam jensen #deusexgames #deusexuniverse #deus ex mankind divided #myart #illustration #life story #lifelessons #dxmd #dxhr #fanartfriday #fanart friday #deus ex fanart

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i-can-even-burn-salad · 1 year

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Find the Word Tag

I was tagged by @dogmomwrites uh, long ago. Oops. Anyway.

I am gonna tag @starlit-hopes-and-dreams @thegreatobsesso @cirianne (I don't know if you do tag games like those, feel free to ignore <3)

Your words: low, high, joy, sorrow, and knife (to celebrate this week) (If you can't find one, leave a fun fact about your WIP, OCs, or writing process!)

My words: sense, peripheral, discussion, commotion, and blame.

The only one where I was remotely lucky with those words was Heal my Wounds, which isn't technically a WIP anymore, but whatever!

sense

He stepped inside, freezing when something crunched under his soles. As he looked down, he saw glass shards; colorful, shattered pieces, covering most of the floor. The thin, fragile remains of baubles, the thick, lead-framed ones of lanterns and candle holders. Pieces of figures; heads and legs and wings. Valadan stared at the devastation, trying to make sense of it.

peripheral

No luck. A few years ago, HmW was the first thing I wrote with those chars. I had thought about rewriting it in English since at least November 2021, but never gotten around to it. When I saw the prompt list in June 2022, a few things clicked and I thought: this could work! I had rotated the whole thing in my head for so long, I basically wrote it start to end in the ~3 weeks before July. I then posted it daily with 4 additional chapters sneaked in before their assigned day. And it was a total flop ^^"

discussion

“I never wanted to be a scholar or join the Order. Studying geology, it was… by Ilairyah, it was the most boring thing I ever did. I did it to please my parents. Not that they were very pleased when I told them I wanted to go out into the field.” And they would be even less pleased once they’d hear what had happened. Josephine wondered how long she’d be able to avoid that particular discussion.

commotion

As he raised his hands, to wipe his eyes, he froze. Perhaps they wouldn’t ask him that if he wasn’t covered in blood. Her blood. On his hands, on his arms, on his armor. Valadan felt sick. He looked around, blinking fresh tears away. At this very moment, no one was paying him any more attention. A few people were crowded around someone on the ground—probably Marian. Others took care of the horses, who didn’t react well to all the noise and the commotion. Time for him to fuck off.

blame

“I thought about it,” Josephine continued, followed by a bitter laugh. “There was a time I thought about nothing else. It was easy to blame you, but… who knows what would have happened. I sometimes— I dream of it. It’s not… it’s not me in the cave, it’s you, and I can’t save you. Those dreams. They are worse.”

#salad-tag

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painterofhorizons · 1 year

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A Year in Writing: 2022

Writing review for 2020 and 2021.

Since this year won’t magically change, I will wrap up the year in writing two weeks early and not pressure myself to get the number up in the few days off I have between the years.

Total wordcount as of Dec. 19th: roughly 91.500 words, compared to ~200k in the past years. Not even calculating an daily average here and not countings days I have not written because that was the majority. For the time I have tracked, it somewhat looked like this:

while March and May were only roughly estimated.

General review: Or the Good, Bad and Ugly. It wasn’t even writer’s block that hit me this year, but life. The year started okay-ish, but the first half was dominated by a crippling fear about one job ending and only getting the go for our next project’s funding literally only the week my last contract ended (I am so done with academic precariat. So done with that shit.). Then when I started a 7 month project in July to fill up time until our next big project starts, the same day the new job started my dad got in hospital with life threatening illness, so for the following months I was dealing with a new job in a completely different field on full time (from before that working only part time) while being in the hospital and running errands and worrying sick about my dad’s health the whole time (he’s better again now, thank the universe!). Add up the complete and utter madness the current job includes in terms of content (so. much. politics. so. much. absolute. frustration. i. hate. it. so. much. so. so. much.) and having to long distance commute again after 3 years of pandemic and home office, and serve with ADHD and general worldly madness, and my brain is in survival mode ever since. There’s just no brain capacity left for anything at the end of the day. So i basically gave up on writing, knowing my brain just can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being hard on myself, quite the contrary - I know why I can’t write or draw or whatever else I would want to do normally, and I know it will come back. I am giving myself permission to not even try to write. This ain’t writer’s block. This is just fucking life.

On the good end: I was surprised about the number of the yearly tracking being close to 100k nevertheless. And I did manage to treat myself to two or three saturday morning writing breakfasts in that fancy cafe closeby within the past few months nevertheless and did some writing by hand in a fancy notebook I bought AND started to use. So it’s not like NO writing happened. And with my current project being almost close to end (only until mid Feb and then I’m back on a 3 year project in my actual field of profession and on less hours again) I am very hopefull that my brain will be back soon(er or later).

On the very good end: My absolute highlight this year was meeting @comeoniwantacoolname. It was this year, wasn’t it? Or was it last? When did you appear? Anyways, I am so so so grateful we met (thank you, Jeff Moreau fanfiction!), it has been a delight to meet you, to brainstorm fic with you and to read your wonderful writing. Thank you for migrating here and being a lighthouse of joy in this troubled year for me. I can’t wait to visit Venice with you and eat all the food.

Things posted: None on the edited end, but a few WIPs over here I think. Maybe. But that might also have been last year, because I have no sense of time anymore and no grip on the concept that is time. What is time. I don’t know.

Things I would like to do next year: Write. Literally. Anything. I want to be myself again, i want my hobbies back, I want my creativity back, I want my brain back, and while I know the legit reasons why this year sucked, I could cry just thinking about it. I want to be myself again, and I want to fucking write.

So in the end, this wasn’t my year writing wise, and it was fucking exhausting. But the circumstances will change again in a foreseable future and I am looking forward to get back to a more better normal again soon-ish.

With this year being rough-ish, I am especially grateful for each and every one of you here for making this place a safe space of escape and joy and creativity and for making me feel like I can still take part in this wonderful Mass Effect fandom even if I don’t create anything and have no spoons for reading your amazing stories rn (and with all you folks I met through different fandoms and have zero idea of what you’re into these days but very much still appreciate you being around <3). Thank you folks for being you and for making this place a safe haven in these troubled times.

May 2023 be gentle on all of us.

#painterofhorizons writes

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mey-rin-is-fabulous · 10 months

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Okay as anyone who’s been around for any amount of time since 2021 knows I have colitis. And I’m gonna run through everything that happened before and after my diagnosis. Under a read more to save your dashes.

I first started having problems after easter 2014. Constant diarrhea and constipation and it was switching between the two constantly. It started off by me only having bowel movements every three days and I found my bathroom usage got worse after either eating high fiber foods or pizza. And as I kept going through highschool it got worse and worse, I had a hard time going to school and staying in class, my guts were constantly churning and accidents were not uncommon. All throughout this I had no idea what I was experiencing was a bowel disease, I just figured it’d clear up eventually.

My mom and me thought it was a diet thing, so we tried adding more electrolytes, these blueberry smoothies and I tried to add yogurt. None of it helped. So now we’re coming up to late 2018 the end of my highschool career and start of my failed college career. I went to my doctor, he sent me to a specialist. I filled out a form, said specialist told me to just take metamucil, I thought that was the end of it. It wasn’t the metamucil did nothing.

2019 I was still experiencing problems. Went back to my doctor, said hey I think this specific type of food is setting this off. My doctor agrees that I should cut it out. I find out on my own somewhere along all of this about the gluten free diet and celiac disease. So I decide to go gluten free, it helps.

2020 since our family doctor retired me and my mom go see a satellite doctor, a small little cubicle in our local pharmacy with a nurse practitioner and the doctor on video call. I tell him about the problems I’ve been experiencing and he writes up a recommendation to send to a specialist.

Late 2021 I receive a call from said specialist, I have been scheduled for a colonoscopy early 2022. Colonoscopy gets pushed back a month from late January to early February. I go for my colonoscopy and after I am told that I have ulcerative colitis. I was prescribed an enema for like 2 weeks and mezavant(big pills we started at like 4 daily) which was constant. After that I had to get a TB test to make sure nothing would affect any current or future medications. Went back in March for a sigmoid( get yourself knocked out never do it while awake.) We scheduled another sigmoid for May, this time I would be knocked out for it, things were looking better. Also throughout this whole time, I was getting bloodwork off and on. Went into my doc’s office in September and my levels were looking good but around that time I accidentally had non GF spaghetti. After September things got rough for me again.

Now in early 2023, I had my first sigmoid of the year in April. My doc told me instead of ulcerative colitis it was looking more like chron’s colitis. I was told to stop taking my mezavant and was instead prescribed a steroidal medication as well as calcium tablets and vitamin d tabs. I was also prescribed another steroidal medication that required constant bloodwork. About a week or two on the new meds I was told to stop taking the new steroidal meds because my liver enzymes were up. Makes sense because I was extremely sick and after I stopped taking the medication I started feeling better. Saw my doc again end of June so now we’re in July and I’m getting a chest x-ray done this Friday and if everything’s good probably starting my new medication treatment after. the medication is delivered through IV but can be given through a needle injection after, it’s called entyvio.

#ulcerative colitis #chron's colitis #whoo busy week #the entyvio lady is calling me tomorrow #x-ray the day after #my brother and dad coming to get their crap #family function saturday

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sleepytiny · 1 year

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Hi!! My names Lyra, but you can call me Lyr or sleepy. Even Ly is ok!!

This is going to be the pinned post on my blog for a quick rundown about me, and all of my hyperfixations. Including games, characters, shows, etc.

This will of course be added to over time as well, due to new hyperfixations/things I wanna put here. It may also be added to over time if I forgot to put something here initially as well.

Alright. I’m a tiny and am newer to the g/t community, but not g/t in general. I first discovered the g/t community back in early 2021 but I’ve had g/t as a comfort thought since I was real little. Like really little. I’m fine with NSFW g/t but NOT vore at all.

I don’t necessarily have a favorite piece of g/t media, as I enjoy thinking about my OC more, but if I had to choose it’d probably be the episode of Daa Daa Daa where Miyu shrinks.

Before I get into my hyperfixations, I want to talk about my OC. You aren’t gonna see anything about her for a very long time. She’s my only OC, and has been for years, and I love her a lot. There are a lot of features and cliche things about her that I’m sure people would pick at, and I like not having that influence when I think of her.

So for now no OC content other than her name is Lucy, her birthday is July 2nd, and she technically doesn’t have a canon universe she’s in. Although there is one I’d say is a smidge away from being her canon universe, but I still stick her in other universes.

Characters:

I’m starting with characters I’m hyperfixated with because I think that’s the longest so why not.

Hawks: I don’t know how long I’ve been hyperfixated with him but it’s been loooong. He’s my favorite anime character, favorite character, favorite everything. Because of this though, I would actually appreciate no MHA content at all. I’m so hyperfixated with him to the point that sometimes I get sick to my stomach seeing other people talk about him or MHA. In a good way, but that doesn’t make it fun. I obviously can’t stop seeing it, and when I do post OC content, Hawks content will literally be there as well, but just a thing to keep in mind.

Denki Kaminari: Not really sure what to say about him but I love him.

Leon and Ada: Figured I’d put them together because I ship them (don’t hurt me) and I love both of them. Leon is definitely in my top ten characters (Hawks is #1 for reference) and Ada is Ada. How can you not love her.

Jill and Carlos: ^^^^ same thing. Love them both. Ship them. They’re literally both marriage material.

Claire: Don’t ship her with Leon but I love her.

Takumi Usui: Literally just a giant top. First thing I think when I see him is TOP. Also I’m so Misa (minus the tsundere stuff) with him.

Chai from Hi-Fi Rush: He wijdbdkwjwjwjsndkwidnfwm he’s so cute i love him sm. he baby.

Goro Akechi: Same VA as Chai. I don’t know how to do this without spoilers but Royal Akechi is my favorite.

Ryuji Sakamoto: Literally best Persona character. I love him so f much. He’s on my top ten characters.

Futaba and Sumi: Tied as best girls (love sumi a lil more tho) because I personally embody Futaba but Sumi is a precious bb.

Faith Seed: hOLY SHIT I LOVE HER. VERY HIGH UP on my top ten. She’s literally why I like white laced dresses so much. Obviously ignoring the illegal shit she did. BUT MY GOD I LOVE HER MORE THAN I CAN DESCRIBE.

Luke from TWDG: LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM. He deserves the world and everything, and literally just everything in the world. (very good gentle giant for a tiny)

Steve Harrington: tHE CRUSH I HAD ON JOE KEERY OMGOMGOMG. HIS HAIR.

Chell from Portal: I know I know, she’s silent, and in a way, has zero personality, but I love her. Specifically her outfit in Portal 2.

Monika from DDLC: My precious bb. That’s all I have to say.

Spider-man: Any spider-man. Literally the only superhero I care about at all.

Vanessa from FNAF: TOP TEN TOP TEN. My OC came before her, which is why her looking incredibly similar to my OC automatically made me love her, and now I actually love her sfm.

Lucy Heartfilia: Could say my OC got her name from her, will get further into Fairy Tail things later.

Gray Fullbuster: Loved him since his first line ever. I don’t wanna spoil it if you’ve never watched Fairy Tail, so if you’re actually reading this, I’ll let you do that yourself.

Nonon Jakuzure: Love her so so much, which leads to the next character as well.

Viridi from Kid Icarus: ^^^^^

Sonic: Mostly Sonic from Sonic Boom.

Melia from Xenoblade: POOR BB

This is it for characters. This will probably be added to because I forgot some.

Games are next! From here on out, there probably won’t be descriptions.

Kid Icarus: Uprising

The Walking Dead Games

Resident Evil: 2, 3, and 4 remakes (yes i know i’m a remake enjoyer, but i never really resonated with the originals)

Hi-Fi Rush

Persona 5 Royal

Far Cry 5

Xenoblade (the first one)

Will add more as needed.

Shows!

MHA

Maid Sama

Fairy Tail

Kill la Kill

Charlotte

Will add more as needed!

For now I believe this is fine!!! Questions you have for me are ok, but eventually I’ll add answers to more common questions on here!

#g/t #giant tiny

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marumafan · 2 years

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Hi, sorry if i bothered you. Do you know when the manga will start? And it will be published in magazine?

Hi there! I'm sorry, I don't have any 'official information' for you.

I can only guesstimate that the online manga will start from August 2022; since they've already published the beginning in July. (It should, shouldn't it?) As for the physical magazine, I have again no official information, but my guess is yes, because why not? This is a popular series they've already paid for. My guess is, if it does get published, it will be on Monthly Bushiroad (月刊ブシロード)... because that's the branch of Kadokawa that's handling maruma now?

(more below)

A note: I 'am' concerned about the lack of information in general regarding the new manga. Nothing came out through official channels until the very day that kkmS was updated online. Why do this? When in the past we had so many updates and previews? My take, it's one or two things: 1) Maruma isn't important enough to hype anymore (have you looked at the horrible tweet numbers? Not even 3000 likes for a 16 page manga? When last year Yuuri's birthday pic got 10,000 and it was 1 drawing by Temari.) 2) Nothing is ready and they're still drawing month to month, so they don't know if the next chapter will be ready for next month? More ranting: Last year when they said in JANUARY 2021, that the manga would be ready by SUMMER 2021, I thought, okay, so they're having everything pre-done, the manga is going to be 6-7 months ahead, or be completely finished before they even start releasing it... and with the trio's history who could blame them? Now, knowing that Temari sensei was sick for a while, which caused the delay apparently, all of the guesswork has gone out the window. Was she sick so long that they couldn't get some stuff ready before Yuuri's birthday? I mean, if you're gonna make a big event, it's always best to have it for a day that the community comes together but... have they had time to prep some chapters so that they come out smoothly on a monthly basis? I can say this: The artwork in Chapter 0 wasn't 'wiggly' like it was in the artwork released when the last iteration of the manga ended. But ALSO, there were barely any backgrounds? XD Anyone else noticed this? The characters were really pretty but like... nothing else was there.

To sum up: As per yoush, nothing is set in stone when it comes to maruma... remember what sensei said? It's an ADVENTURE STORY! XDDDDDDDDD (ahah, sorry I meant, dumpsterfire ). If you're new to maruma, this series will teach you about patience. If you're a veteran: Yes, you're still in hell. :)

#kyou kara maou s #kyou kara maou #kkm #maruma #marumas

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shadsmidnightthoughts · 1 year

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I posted 281 times in 2022

That's 281 more posts than 2021!

49 posts created (17%)

232 posts reblogged (83%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@why-am-i-here-someone-save-me

@solicider

@sleepytwinklez

@gh0stlybeginnings

@shadsmidnightthoughts

I tagged 94 of my posts in 2022

#sam reblogs™️ - 60 posts

#sam speaks - 8 posts

#sam rambles - 8 posts

#sams lovely moots ♡/p - 5 posts

#rip technoblade - 5 posts

#sagau - 5 posts

#genshin heizou - 3 posts

#sams sagau - 3 posts

#winx club - 2 posts

#samsmidnightthonks - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 109 characters

#i dont support aphmau at all but she and her series's (mcd and mystreet) they were both what i had growing up

My Top Posts in 2022:

BITCH HUH?? THE THING ALICE MADE IS WHAT NOW? HOW?? HOW DID ALICE EVEN GET TO "ANOTHER WORLD"??

26 notes - Posted July 15, 2022

Why do I feel like in the imposter!SAGAU, the slimes would be amazing to hug?? Like- especially the anemo and dendro slimes

31 notes - Posted March 25, 2022

Mk so sagau pit has claimed me sooo

(Also how does someone put a 'cut'??)

SO. I never pulled Ayato, too focused on the scrunkly bard man™️

I did (maybe) two single pulls on Ayaka's, not even planning on getting her, had no materials for her A T A L L. Guess who I pulled at EIGHT-FUCKING-PITY. I WASNT EVEN GARENTEED BRO. WHEN IT WELT GOLD I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK AND HEART ATTACK ALL AT ONCE.

Wait what if she felt that since i didn't pull for Ayato, she H A D to come home so that the Kamisato clan wouldn't be a disgrace? Q0Q

I pulled this solid sub DPS on Friday so..

22/4/2022

32 notes - Posted April 24, 2022

Hey fellow sagaublr, has anyone looked at tar tar sauce's new voicelines? What do y'all think he means by "you"? Do you think he is talking to the traveller or the player? Especially since he says "i never got along with her, you know this." Did I miss a voiceline/event? W H O IS HE T A L K I N G TO?!

40 notes - Posted July 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

GENSHIN SAGAU

TW/CW: M A J O R CHARACTER DEATH. LOTS OF DEATH. GORE. THE TRAVELLERS NAMES (Aether/Lumine) NOT PROOFREAD. I CANT SPELL FOR SHIT IM SORRY.

Title: this dream...

Characters: Venti, Zhongli, Ei, ALL vision holders currently in the game (3.0), lumine, abyss!Aether, unknown god, dainsleif, golden blood!God!reader,

Readers POV

This is it. We are finally in the ruins of k'ahanriah, the truely divineless nation. We were running. Running up so many stairs. Running down so many corridors. Just to get to that damned bloodbath ballroom. One last staircase. The abyss heralds we thought we had lost came barging into the stairwell from any entrance they could. We were stuck fine. Venti, the traveller dainsleif and I starting fighting, trying to clear out space for at least Lumine and Paimon to get through. After what seemed like twenty minutes of us protecting one another from attack apron attack we were there. In the ballroom. It was empty except for a singular gold and red throne with none other then the abyss prince himself, Aether lounged on the magnificent throne.

Lumine ran forward as the tell-tale red and black diamond opened in front of the door, trapping us in there with the prince. "Well.. I didn't think you would make it here but.. I guess I should have never doubted Lumine." The goddess said as she stepped out of the portal, dragging fleets of vision weilders (<-mispelt I think, sorry) out along with her. "Let them go. They have nothing to do with this." Lumine said to the goddess. "Fine. But first.." she held her hand out causing each and every vision holder to float twenty feet above the floor, seemingly by their necks even though nothing was there. With a flick of her wrist, we watched each ones neck contort with inhuman speed 180°. It happened sickeningly slowly. First bennett, then diluc, then amber, then Xinyan, then Xiangling, thoma, yoimia, yanfei and then poor, sweet innocent Klee. I felt as if I was going to be sick right then and there. Seeing their lifeless bodies just floating there.

Next it was the poor Anemo users. Xiao, heizou, kazuha, sayu, Sucrose, jean. The goddess was grinning as if this was some sick joke. "You ever thought you could save them outlander? That is truely laughable." The electro users were on the chopping block next. Razor. Ei. Keqing, Beidou, Lisa, Kuki, yae, fishl and sara. "I must say imposter, you grew fond of these low lives? They were just stepping stones in your path." It spoke. I heard a bow draw. All eyes were on me. Im crying.

Zhongli, albedo, itto, gorou, Noelle, Ninguang. All dead.

The fear in Chongyun's eyes as he watched his best friend's lifeless body fell to the floor nearly made me choke. Barbara, kokomi, ayato, childe, mona, yelan.

"Dont worry. You will be with your friend... now" she flicked her wrist and everyone left dropped to the floor. It was like a car crash. You wanted to look away but you couldn't. Most had split their head on the white, pristine marble that was the ballroom floor. Watching their blood and brains leave them through their skulls and watch the light drain from all of their eyes was torture. Some got the air sucked out of their lungs, their lungs then being crushed and punctured by their very own ribs beneath the goddesses feet.

The bow string snapped into place.

I didn't feel it at first. The three arrows sticking out of my back. For a moment, I felt nothing. Then all the pain hit me at once while I realized I had fallen forward. I hit my head. I saw liquid. But not blood. Gold? No. Im seeing things. Im dizzy.. my eyes are so heavy. The room is spinning. Is someone yelling? Are they yelling under water? I will miss my friends. Please let this have been a nightmere. I don't want this dream to end yet..

65 notes - Posted September 2, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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frozeninice · 10 months

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advice from the past -- dear future me pt. 2

Its July 8, 2023, and I have a raging ear infection (one of many and likely many more), and I was thinking of a post, written by me, Katie sent to me a couple months ago. It was a “dear future me” written in September 2018. I had been going through some old notebooks and read a letter written to future me, likely around the end of high school, 2016 ish. I won’t repost it here, but you can find it under the “dear future me” tag.

I read through the letter from the past to the future me, at the time it was September 2018. I had just started seeing a psychotherapist for my depression and anxiety as I struggled through nursing school. I’m not sure of the exact dates, but I think that was around the time of 3rd semester of nursing where everything went to shit: nearly failed out, burnt out to the bone, crying at the (seemingly) little inconveniences in life (when actually it was the burn out seeping out). It was a bad time, surely, but to see myself wanting to be positive and keep going on, it warms my heart.

Nursing school were the hardest years of my life. I wouldn’t want to go back and do it all again, do it all different, because I know I had to go through all that pain and struggle to get to where I am--who I am--today. I love who I am. I would never want to change that. What I’m trying to say here, is that even though I was so fucked up mentally, a part of me still wanted to persevere and knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I couldn’t see the end, I hoped the light would be there. Looking back into my memories of these times, its hard to look past all the shit and remember the good in all the bad, so it--what’s the word, not grateful, not relieved--comforts me knowing that a tiny part of me wanted to keep living life.

What’s life like now?

Well, I finished nursing school in 2021. It wasn’t easy. I failed a couple courses, nearly failed many more. Had to take an extra year, so I really beat down on myself for being a failure, for not finishing in 4 years. But now, in 2023, I see that I needed to graduate in 2021 instead of 2020. Aside from the obvious reason of THE FUCKING COVID PANDEMIC, ahem, sorry had to get that out of the way. My mental state in 2020 sunk to rock bottom. I can’t imagine finishing nursing school, getting my RN, and starting the new grad journey ALL during a fucking pandemic. I think I actually would have tried to kill myself, and I’m not saying that lightly or jokingly. I needed to graduate one year later, despite myself hating it the whole time. I needed that extra year to learn about me. Also, don’t let myself ever forget that you met your best friends of nursing school in that extra year. Marissa, Rachel, Zipora, Kafia, Rae, Joanna, Libby, thank you. These friends helped you get through the last three years. You are still in contact with these friends. You have traveled with these friends. Do not let yourself forget all the positives of taking that extra year. You are not a failure. You are a survivor.

I studied my ass off and wrote the NCLEX in 2021. For once, I actually felt ready for an exam. I was itching to write it, instead of hiding, I went into the light and did it. I conquered it. I demolished it. I am so fucking proud of myself, of you, for writing it. I passed. June 19, 2021, you passed the fucking NCLEX and became a registered nurse (RN). Congratu-fucking-lations. You fucking did it!!

I then applied for new graduate nursing jobs. My heart screamed Sick Kids, but I later learned that this wasn’t my path, not then, maybe in the future. I had many interviews in one week (still don’t know how you did that, ya crazy crazy girl). My last interview of the week was with SHN for a nursing resource team (NRT) or float nurse position. Most of the jobs you applied and interviewed for had been for float positions, but you didn’t feel excited for these positions. You wanted exciting. You wanted interesting. MEDSURG didn’t feel like either. Your last interview of the week, by now you have mastered the core questions of a new grad interview and DESTROYED that interview. Going into the interview, you felt meh, its another NRT, whatever. But by the end, you felt different. You felt supported, like you could do anything. The manager, Rebecca, made you feel like you knew your stuff, and the clinical practice leader (CPL) Janette, made you feel supported and encouraged. For once, in the interview process, that you could see yourself working as an RN. That this was all becoming real.

So you accepted the position with SHN as an new grad NRT in the new grad guarantee (NGG) initiative. You started August 3, 2021. You got three months of orientation in different units of your hospital. You were inexperienced. It had been over a year since being in the hospital for placements. You lacked a lot of nursing skills. But you learned quickly. You absorbed, like a sponge, everything you learned. You made mistakes along the way, but you learned from your mistakes and improved your nursing practice.

October 25, 2021, you were set into the world of nursing on your own. You were in charge of your patients, you were in charge of completing all the tasks of the shift. You struggled. But you knew when to ask for help. You did not let your ego get in the way of your patients’ safety. The very first shift of being by yourself, you were placed on a surgical unit (5W). You had a pt with a colostomy, the bag got too full and exploded. Got all over the patient, the bed, and floor. It was a huge mess. But you learned not to leave emptying the bag until the last minute. You had a patient fresh post op from thyroid surgery. They were satting in the 80s and you panicked. You got the charge nurse and made them stay with you while, together, you figured out how to help the patient.

Over the next couple months of your new grad nursing career, you made a lot of mistakes, learned from those mistakes, overcame anxiety and imposter syndrome, and became a more confident and competent nurse.

December 27, 2021, surprises me how easy I remember the date. This was your first code blue. This destroyed you. It was the 4th day shift straight, end of the day, you almost made it to the end, when this code went off. Around 6pm it occurred, I think. You spent your first Christmas away from your family at the hospital with others who were too sick to be with their own. This was your first involvement in a code blue. The first time you did compressions on a real person, first time you saw what a code truly is. How gruesome it is. What is needed to be done to bring someone back to life. You got the patient back, but ultimately, they did not survive the night. You stayed with the primary nurse while she filled out the death paperwork. You knew you needed to see this, even though you were so distraught. Charlene, the PSW on the floor that day, held you as you cried. She helped you process this. You reached out to your manager, Rebecca, to talk about it. You talked with your good friend and charge nurse that day, Christie. You talked with your parents. You talked with your therapist. You tried. It was difficult. But you knew that you wanted to work in emergency, and you knew that you had to work through this so that you would be ready for the next time someone needed to be brought back.

June 5, 2022, you started your new position as a split pediatric-emergency RN. This was your dream, this was what you were working towards during those hours in NRT that you dreaded. Emergency was definitely not what it seemed, and you struggled to grasp everything before your brain shut down. You needed this change, to a new position. Float team was destroying you from the inside. Your mental health was plummeting. It was the best thing you ever did. Working on 7W satisfied your need to work at Sick Kids, you learned you didn’t need Sick Kids. You found your home.

Since then, you’ve been working your split peds-emerg position. Its not been easy, but its been worth it.

You’ve been seeing a psychiatrist, alongside your therapist, for ADHD, depression, and anxiety since the middle of 2020. Its been scary, but its been worth it. You are a stronger, more confident you.

The road you’ve traveled thus far has not been easy, and the road ahead is also not going to be easy. You are learning to accept that life does not become easy once you reach a certain point, you just learn to adapt yourself to be able to process and handle life’s challenges.

Now in 2023, you are struggling with how to have a work-life balance and how to be Kirsten without the nurse or the baker.

Life feels grey right now. You are trying to add colour, but it feels like futile efforts. Keep trying to add colour. Eventually you will turn around and see the rainbow.

Dear past me: I’m sorry I can’t tell you it will be easy.

Dear future me: You will get better at dealing with the obstacles life throws at you.

I love you so much.

#dear future me #advice from the past

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tuneyouout · 1 year

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I want to write an actual update entry but the truth is that every other day I am sick and nervous and overwhelmed and I really can’t function at high enough capacity to do that. So, it’ll be this.

My last ~proper entry was June 2021; it had notes about the same issue I’m having now except we’ve accelerated into finding out portion of fucking around. Mind you, I “fucked around” with permission granted.

My mom never recovered 100% from her TIA in 2020 and while she isn’t dying or an invalid or even incapable of living normally, it scared the shit out of me!! And every goddamn time we’d have any sort of post-covid return to office townhall at work I would spiral into the fear that I would be stuck in LA forever, working 7 days a week to feel financially steady, and never be able to be there for my mom when something eventually would change in her health. I would lose entire work days to this dread. And in February 2022 when I noticed some cognitive changes in her, I started freaking out worse. But then. My coworker got permission from my boss to start looking for a house in the Palm Spring area and once the move in date was official she went as far as announcing his news to our entire LA office. The relief I felt in this happening was beyond.

So I assessed my existence, kept an eye on my mom, and by May I was having the relocation talk with my boss. It was all “yeah of course! No worries!” and when I mentioned my abilities to still come to the office maybe like every other week if I needed to it was met with “we’ll figure it out, no problem.” After letting my roommate know that although I was completely flexible to her scheduling needs, my moving home was in motion, within a week she worked out a plan that admittedly, was much quicker than I expected, but had me raging my last days as an LA local in June and fully home the first weekend of July.

And after 3 months of house projects and odd peace, right as the boredom and existential fear of what I set myself up for started setting in, on October 13th we were told we needed to be back in the office 3 days a week, starting January. About 2hrs later, after it was evident my boss would not be calling me or my coworker to reaffirm our approved scenarios, I called my boss, bordering on hysteria and panic, and got absolutely zero support. After this, I spent the next 4 hours in my bedroom crying and staring, terrified of what the fuck I was going to do. The next day, I worked, saw Midtown in Orange County, drove to LAX, slept in my car for a few hours, and boarded a flight to the east coast at 5am Saturday morning to see Fireworks (and The Wonder Years) for the first time in 7 years. I had a wonderful weekend of meeting and seeing internet friends, driving across New England for a second show and trying not to let this massive bomb kill my joy. It was having 2 drinks instead of 3, and buying 1 shirt instead of 2, and just trying to not let my gut be chaos the whole time.

I contacted HR who told me my boss should’ve done an official approval when we had the initial conversation and now it would be much trickier to okay. They told me my boss should understand and be able to be flexible as to not expect me in the office that often when I’m 130 miles away. Yet here we are, with people now going in the office, my boss not giving any specific directions or approvals but also not giving off any hint of being cool, and I’m just working as I have been, knowing the clock is ticking. Dread. I’ve been applying to jobs!! I had 1 interview in November and while I don’t think I’ll be getting that, just getting an interview did boost some confidence. It’s just a fucking awful position to be in.

8 months ago I was nervous about my mom but making good money, had a great apartment and best friend of a roommate, was lovingly fulfilled by my weekend job, loving my friends and people around me, donating funds to lives and causes, planning trips. I almost fucking felt like I was getting my footing in LA after 15 years. And now, I’m in a job wasteland, too far from friends to get drunk and emotional with, too financially panicked to give myself a weekend to make plans for that, and living on a motherfucking prayer I don’t eventually have to go work a retail or service job where I’ll be lucky if I get insurance I can survive on. For the record, I am not fucking above any job, but without decent insurance and wages, this chronic condition becomes slowly life threatening.

I guess you’d call this regression. I left a fun job and all my friends. Convinced myself that I’m brave enough for all this. Well.

#I'll give it to Fireworks for the surprise NYE album drop. favorites would not let me down #not like that other favorite band of mine whose personal and professional bullshit is exhaustive and pathetic. meh

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zeptorg · 1 year

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I want to rant on a place that I know employeers rectituters and the staff from my coding bootcamp isn't gonna see or find me.

I started to teach myself code and then joined a coding bootcamp and became a full stack software engineer. I know 4 languages and at least 6 frameworks/libraries. But because I dont have experience I'm looked over.

My last job was a fucking call center. I've been trying to get into apprenticeships (Microsoft, Github, LinkedIn, Google, paramount plus, Facebook) and I get nothing. I lost my job December 3rd 2021 and I'm coming up on a year and nothing. I've sent out at least 5 applications a week since I lost my job and I got nothing. Hell the reason why I switched to coding was because i got scammed and it fucked up my banking.

I graduated my Bootcamp in July and I've ran myself to the ground applying to 15-20 jobs while going through the worst health issues of my life, dealing with a break up, and moving back in with my parents. Part of the reason why the relationship ended was the fact that we didnt spend enough time together due to me being up at all hours of the night doing homework and projects. (were back together now thank god because that's the only good thing that happened this year. I still live with my parents thought)

I'm tired of being ghosted and declined from jobs. I haven't even gotten an interview in 2 months. I haven't gotten anywhere and my anxiety has gone through the roof thinking that I won't get a career in this field. I literally threw up 2 days in a row thinking about my future and wondering will I have a successful one or will I end up in the trenches working a dead in job and going through the bootcamp was a useless fever dream.

I'm sick literally sick to my stomach about why am I not good enough for these job that I fit perfectly for. Junior developer 0-2 years experience. Knows HTML, CSS, Javascript, python. Specialized in MERN stacks so I know react.js, node.js, express.js, and mongodb/mongoose. With python I have PosgresSQL experience and learned Django. EVERY GODDAMN JOB DESCRIPTION I APPLIED TO ASK FOR THIS AND I LITERALLY HAVE THIS EVERYWHERE. It's at the top of my resume. My LinkedIn has my projects literally linked so you can see them.

I just want a job. I'm so tired.

#software engineer jobs #software #engineer #software engineering #python #HTML #CSS #javascript #reactjs #nodejs #expressjs #Django #SQL #job hunting

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toadkisses · 1 year

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alistairs years in review part three

alistair is continuing his public journaling; the gist is i am writing down a summary of the life events that have gone on in the past two years or so, since i used to lifepost a lot more on here. its been nice reflecting especially since i can see a bend up ahead where my life will change again somehow.

this entry will be about the medical adventures ive been on including misdiagnosed diabetes and hrt stories.

part one about dog grooming school / part two about meeting my wife

this will contain discussion of eating disorders, suicide, and medical stuff! be warned :K oh and me coming out to my family

i dont have a clear "where we left off" point like i did last time! the beginning of this saga is in july or august of 2021. rose and i had been dating for a few months but already called each other our wife. i begin working in a corporate dog grooming salon, and i like it well enough; my manager can be taxing at times but i get along well with my coworkers.

i came out to my parents as trans right before starting the job, and it didnt go as badly as it does for some people but didnt go as well as i dreamed?

it was impulsive. i told my mom i was trans, and i thought things were maybe okay? rose was there, my mom and i cried a lot, and my mom told me i had to be in charge of my dad.

i felt sick to my stomach because coming out was the first thing i could remember doing entirely for myself and my comfort without prioritizing other people. rose and i went and got food so i could collect myself some.

after getting home, i was asked to come talk to both my parents. it felt more standoffish? like i was in trouble? i told my dad and said i would answer any questions they had. and my mom was kind of weird like "thats a big thing to just toss out here" and i was like "well i feel really really really bad making problems like this" and she said that i wasnt making problems but i also didnt get like "you have trusted us with this information we love you"

i actually had an appointment with my shrink the next day and my mom came with, where doctor confirmed gender stuff is something ive been talking about for years and its not just out of nowhere. and i cried a lot about how bad i felt for having to come out and how i was worried about disappointing my parents etc etc

and i think for a little bit it helped, like i was able to be in the same room as my parents without wanting to run but we had a meeting all three of us that i dont remember a lot of besides my dad accidentally saying im not a boy and my therapist exclusively using she and birthname for me. i didnt feel like i had anyone on my side and i remember thinking about trying to find somewhere to crash until i could get an apartment because i was so upset. which i didnt do because it wasnt economically feasible haha. but yeah it went really poorly and i refused to tell them my preferred name because i was so hurt. i actually never told them! they know it from like mail i got but we have not had the conversation.

i actually went back to my shrink a while later and she lead with the amazing blunder of "yeah, when we finished up last time i was worried 'i wonder if shes never coming back'. oh, oops, ali im so sorry" like GIRL you REALLY fumbled this one right out the gate

anyway i did tell my mom i was going to look into getting hrt but besides that we have had very few conversations about Alistair Gender. things are normal, im able to be around them which is good because i live here, they try not to call me overtly feminine things? we still do activities like we did before. it was sweet that apparently they had a conversation about shutting down any possible trans jokes their friends might make when we went to visit them (to clarify NOT jokes at my expense, they dont know and would be very abashed if they did happen to make one at my expense, they were preparing in case the topic came up in abstract and someone cracked a joke, that they would make clear they dont approve of being a jackass about it. end clarification)

a year later uhhhhh coming out is still defined by regret but different than it used to be? like instead of my previous "why did i do this i feel so bad for making a fuss about myself", now i wish i hadnt come out because i was and am happy with the family dynamics we have, and realized that like its not disingenuous for me to be different people for different people? like of course my mom interacts with and experiences and perceives me differently than my brother or my girlfriend does, but the person they all know is still me? and i feel bad because i put my mom in a difficult position because she didnt want to out me by talking to her friends about this big emotional event, so she was left to deal with it on her own. and maybe ill feel differently someday but its how i feel now which i guess is why its good to journal it. in summation i feel like suffering for everyone could have been avoided if i had realized coming out isnt mandatory.

i need to tell them all this still and who knows when that will happen haha. especially since, after taking testosterone for 9 months, i feel like WAY more comfortable in my skin and have no desire to tell any other family members or coworkers about gender stuff, because it doesnt make me uncomfortable to be seen as a woman. ive actually been wondering if 14 year old alistair was right all along and im just a transmasc lesbian? food for thought. not what this post is about.

anyway. BACKGROUND INFORMATION DONE GOD THIS IS GONNA BE SO LONG.

i went to an informed consent clinic and the doctor is super cool, like him a lot. they took bloods from me. my blood glucose was high but i had eaten like right before.

next appointment. i get the prescription for testosterone but they took another non fasting glucose and it was still higher than normal, so they draw blood to check my A1C. i also didnt really uh get taught how to do my injections? because my doctor told a nurse "he needs his flu shot and instructions on how to do his injections", and she uh. just assumed that i could not be the aforementioned "he". so i was checking out and said like "nobody told me how to do injections", the receptionist calls my doctor over like "nobody told her how to do her injections", he tracks down a different nurse who spends 60 seconds with me and tells me to watch a youtube video. it is worth noting that this IS specifically a pride clinic that advertises itself as such? spoiler alert i did wind up filing a formal complaint like "i understand why im getting misgendered, but im worried about how it might impact the wrong patient and it DID impact my quality of care" after i had a prescription issue and they were like "she needs her testosterone filled"

i got my A1C results back and it was a 7, which put me past prediabetes and in the diabetic range. i was leaving on a trip to visit friends in texas in like two days, and the only medical person who could see me to tell me what everything meant was a nurse practitioner.

it was a really dreadful experience ;_; she told me to cut out soda and desserts, watch what i eat, and theyd retest my A1C in three months to see if i was still elevated. and i told her i dont do soda or desserts, and that i was worried about really closely monitoring my food, (specifically checking nutritional labels and calorie counting), because of my history with restrictive eating and purging. and i asked if she had any advice on how to avoid a relapse like that and she honest to god told me "dont look at that part of the label"

i also asked if i should get my thyroid checked because i was already following all the diet rules they recommended, was active at my job, and had no family history of diabetes. BUT I DO HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF THYROID DISORDERS. and she was like "yeah sometimes it just happens. probably dont need to check those"

to add insult to injury the trip to texas was stupendously awful and i am not friends with them anymore!

i had my first testosterone shot on september 20th 2021. it was really cool.

when i got home from our trip, i stopped eating bread, pasta, rice, milk, and anything sweet, since i was told "carbs bad" but not given any guidance beyond that? so i stuck to a diet of like. salad with olive. chicken and beef. cheese sometimes. beans. maybe an apple BUT NOT TOO MUCH FRUIT THATS SUGAR.

i saw an endocrinologist in january, and my A1C had dropped into prediabetic range. she referred me to a dietician since i told her unfortunately she also said i should write down "i hate ice cream" whenever i craved it, which. wasnt great for my eating disorder brain. she also took me off my antidepressants because some of them can cause insulin resistance. this was really unfortunate because come to find out, mine is not one of those.

after three weeks of awful antidepressant withdrawal symptoms, i saw the dietician. and like i feel bad being like "these people didnt help me" because they were all really pleasant but God it was not helpful to be given a mass produced booklet about how to lose weight and fix your bloods, when i was already following a more restrictive diet than they recommended and at a bmi they liked. and i told her going in like "I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, IM WORRIED THIS WILL MAKE ME RELAPSE" and she still gave me the calorie counts. ;_;

the next day at work i think i honestly had a mental breakdown? i still groomed all my dogs but i was openly crying while i was doing it, my coworkers were really worried. i was the most suicidal ive been in years. i didnt see why i should continue to live if i had to work at a very stressful job, get yelled at by customers every day (you know how retail is), not get paid enough to live independently, and track what i ate every day while fighting a relapse. i wasnt even ABLE to take a lunch most days because my manager had the habit of overbooking us.

i narrowly avoided being taken to the ER. my Big Manager was actually really cool about me taking a few days off until i could see my shrink for Emergency Appointment Alistair Is In Crisis. i was at home for a couple days.

then a very close friend attempted suicide and eventually passed. i dont feel comfortable giving more detail than that because he was a fairly private person.

i resigned from my job. i lost 20 pounds because i stopped eating. i stopped seeing my shrink. longtime alistair fans may remember that puberty really fucked up my mental health, so out of desperation, i stopped taking my testosterone in hopes that i might get ANY amount of relief. and it did take me from "lying in bed trying to figure out how to kill myself without destroying my girlfriend and family" to "hoping i get killed in a freak accident". i was also able to start eating a bit more regularly, and i wasnt restricting any specific foods.

three months post-breakdown i was finally able to see a nurse practitioner to see what antidepressant i could take without messing up my sugars. turns out the antidepressant i could take was the one i HAD BEEN ON. so started that back up. nurse was really great, she was interested in having my thyroid checked as well as my A1C. and it turned out my A1C was back in normal range, but my thyroid stuff was abnormal and likely causing the blood sugar issues! fuck me running! and i did confirm with hrt doc that testosterone wouldnt make those abnormal, if anything it would just make t less effective.

still figuring out what to do about thyroid stuff but cool to know we could have maybe avoided a lot of this food suffering if theyd agreed to test my thyroid when i asked.

i dont seriously consider killing myself anymore! which is great! and while i still monitor what im eating and my weight, i DO eat three meals a day again and have stopped losing weight.

ive regressed in a lot of ways though. like im a good driver, i drove 3000 miles to texas and back without incident, ive navigated chicago traffic, i know what im doing. but even driving to the store is paralyzing, i have anxiety attacks trying to drive through town. talking on the phone is hard again. i have a lot of difficulty being around strangers, and being in public drains me very quickly. im always expecting someone to yell at me. the nurse who prescribed me my stuff referred me to a therapist for ptsd, but he kind of told me to go see my old shrink since ive been seeing her since i was like 14 haha.

i did go see her last month and was able to reorient some goals, what i think has been working for me vs not, etc. and i actually feel optimistic that working with her will go well? she wants me to add an anti anxiety med which i am PRAYING will help

onto more positive things. testosterone was really cool. bottom growth happened like within the first few days, which i was pumped about. my voice dropped, its not super deep but its a noticeable change. i really liked the new body hair but a lot of it went away when i had to stop :-(

like its weird the only lasting changes have been voice and bottom growth, but i feel so much more confident and happy body wise (editors note that my eating disorder stuff has always been more linked to control than physical appearance, this isnt a contradiction)

ummmmmmmmm i feel like we're caught up on my major life events. going forward...

get anxiety drug

contact job counseling

biggest stressor these days is needing a job but still being fucked up brain. im looking for help there. lets see if i find it! life goes on forever and ever and ever though. eventually something will happen. hopefully it will be good! it could be bad. but bad things keep happening and i keep living through them to new things. so i guess it has to be okay because it will be given enough time. ta-da!

#alistair talking post #god this is long #again ftr nobody has to read all this #youre allowed to! but i do it mostly for nostalgia and self reflection #not proofread ive been writing for forever

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madchild-dennis · 1 year

Text

My Parents

Let's talk about them for a minute.

You see I spent a long post basically honoring a man. Who I am no longer dating and has been looking out for me. I basically put him above EVERY ONE (on earth & except me) including family.

Yesterday, I went somewhere & saw the person who said hypocrite in this story:

In case of the site's death:

Well I saw him again, one of my parent's minion, where I went to say "Hi and I'm alive". Being that I don't frequent there anymore & saw him on the phone. I noticed I didn't get the greetings I'd normally get. Which is fine.

However when I reached my final destination & saw a missed call from someone. This person I suspected was secretly working with my parents. They called me DIRECTLY on a number only a handful know (including my parents) and I did NOT give it to them. I only give out the WhatsApp number.

Which made me realize my parents were up to something & the minion was once again upset that I berated my parents for NOT CARING (which is true) when they secretly do stuff.

What am I talking about?

Instead of coming to me & ask what I NEEDED to help me along my journey. They (especially my father, but both agree with each other) called me/say/did/do the following:

Say its the devil (in March 2021) when I share God's revelation.

say I'm hearing voices or mentally ill. Then call counsellors/therapist to evaluate me (March 2021)

Try to deter me from obeying God in March, June, July, August, November & December 2021; January, March & September 2022. Those are times I tried to ask for help, was around/lived with them. Or they went out their way to ATTACK ME.

Become annoyed with what I had to do. Which was move out my room & sit in the living room & wait. (April 2021)

Told me I am wrong & aiming for things that isn't God (May 2021)

Call me the antichrist (Started in around June/July and ended February/March 2021)

Called me mentally ill with Bipolar disease without a formal diagnosis (April-July 2021). When told I'm NOT by medical professionals in Canada continued to do so (August-December 2021)

Called me mentally ill with Bipolar disease with a diagnosis they got by attacking me & basically trying to kidnap me. Then manipulated doctors & the Jamaican medical system into a diagnosis & continued to call me so from January-September 2022.

Told people I'm mentally ill (see dates above)

manipulated those around me when they can't directly do it.

I could add more but his isn't about what I've already shared. It's about what I haven't & what they do in secret (to me) & might highlight to others to show ThEy CaRe.

I know they DO NOT care but do whatever out of guilt but MOSTLY out of proving a point. Let's start with what they did before/during what the did in secret, to me.

July 2021:

What they'd say: We supported & prayed for her & gave her money for food.

What they did to me: On the 24/25 of July weekend my father prayed for me & the journey. July 28 My mother gave me money for food & said if I EVRY need any I should call. My father did NOT know where I was but my mother did. On July 29 I woke up to police putting me in handcuffs & carrying me to the nearest mental hospital.

The results below (if site still working):

August-November 2021:

What they'd say: she wasn't talking to us & BLOCKED us. So we secretly gave money to the pastor who was helping her to help her.

What they did to me: When I stayed at my aunt after being released (requirement from the hospital). After 1 week, they ruling my aunt gave but I believe was due to the harassing, controlling & manipulative nature of my parents. They tried to stop me & affected where I could stay. Even called my aunt with the same controlling nature. They claim they were calling to say that my aunt should make me stay longer because I was not behaving right.

November 2021-January/February 2022:

What they'd tell you: We fly to Jamaica to look for my sick mother/mother-in-law who has cancer Then we stayed longer than planned because we were worried about our daughter. We lost money/didn't have a job during that time.

What they did to me: In early November; came with church people & more to try & kidnap me to go go to their doctors who already had a bipolar diagnosis waiting on me. From then to Dec 14, my parents fought, stalked & tried to manipulate whoever they could, from JP's to courts to my landlord & more to get me diagnosed & say I'm mentally ill. On Dec 15; my father physically grabbed me from inside the house I was renting while I was calmly & cordially conversing with my landlord's mother in the backroom. Then cornered into going to the hospital that they had set up & waiting for me with the diagnosis ready for me.

MPH December 15 2022 to January 8 2022 (3+ weeks):

What they'd tell you: We made sure to come EVERY day with food, clothes & more. Whatever the doctors said she needed. When she asked for us to get them to release her & we said no based on recommendation she stopped talking to us. She didn't even take our food. Even turn down the pastor who we brought all the way to pray for her and she turned him away.

What they did to me: The manipulated the doctors. Say whatever they think would get them sympathy by twisting the truth or lying. Appealing to whatever they know would get a reaction out of the doctors in their favour. If I didn't fake smile and talk to them they would not have released me AFTER ALL THE manipulation they did to me.

January 2022:

What they'd tell you: We took her from the hospital and we thought everything was fine. We even went to the river together. She was taking the medication and was fine. Then one day she stopped and say she want to live somewhere else.. We didn't stop her.

What they did to me: In They lied to me. They said they were carrying me then after the meeting they'd carry my stuff. The meeting was to talk to the landlord and whoever in charge to make sure I don't have any issue staying there whether or not I had money. However they went into the meeting and switch it to tell people to encourage me to take the pills, then go to the doctor or if there's any sign of whatever to do whatever. They did not even break down what sign because there wasn't any. Then when I shut the conversation down & demanded I get my stuff brought. They claim they'd carry it the next day but they didn't show up until the day after that (a Sunday). Still without my stuff. St5arted a whole meeting now with people they didn't know. Claiming I'm mad and if they see signs of me calling myself Miss World. Which I did NOT go around verbalizing. Talking about I'm mentally ill etc. This meeting included my landlord, his aunt (who lived multiple parishes away) & a neighbour (the landlord's cousin). The landlord had to leave the meeting and they carried on abut lies. one saying how I didn't work in Canada and the other saying I did. Painting me as a crazy worthless/have no ambition child who wasted her opportunity abroad & want to just waste time here in Jamaica as well...

I could keep going but NO.

Here's what I found out in the 4 weeks I stayed with them in September:

The pastor who helped me in Canada. A person I haven't spoken to since loosing my phone to thieves at Salt River, in January. Told them between March & July (I believe) of this year that I told him that I NEEDEED clothes. Which they proceed to buy a suitcase-full of clothes and gave it to him to give me. I did NOT receive any suitcase, clothes nor call from that man. Plus I did NOT block them then, like I do now. So if they send a message I would say that's false. I may be DONE with them but I do NOT want them to be scammed.

In June/July when I was fed-up & wanted a chunk of cash to disappear, I texted my brother to ask him for $100 to start. I told him NOT to tell them. They said it was them who gave him to give me.

Because of the direct call to a number this person should NOT have. I believe they are giving funds to the bar owner. Who we (Nicholas & I) asked if "we can stay and pay something monthly for the room or try to find somewhere to rent" (when we were dating). I got a response that they'd let me know in a few days but to do our thing. We did NOT hear back from the person. I believe they're giving them funds each month or whenever (secretly).

So I believe because of my POST about him caring, helping & more. I think they believe I'm ungrateful and lying about my parents.

FIRST OF ALL

CARE is NOT helping and more out of proving a point or guilt AFTER you abuse, harm or hurt someone. Care happens BEFORE.

Plus ANYTHING LESS than what God said they're to do as consequences of their actions: redeem themselves through my children. I DO NOT CARE about, nor acknowledge ANYTHING ELSE. It's as if they didn't do it. My oldest's birthday just passed & a PRESENT for him would be NICE & EVERYTHING God said is STILL REQUIRED.

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