#i shoveled on monday when it was ice and it fucking sucked
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It snowed today
also my blog turned 10 this month and i usually draw these two to celebrate
#loz#wind waker#legend of zelda#toon link#aryll#drew this faster than normal. by that i mean it didn’t take me 8 hours for once WHOO#I had to shovel snow earlier. it wasn’t bad. snow wasn’t frozen yet thank god#i shoveled on monday when it was ice and it fucking sucked#also the semester just started and I already can’t get my programs to run properly. not looking good. already stressed#they are the ice climbers colors because i think thats what tri force heroes was referencing with the snow coat#unless its anoukis but it would still be ice climbers because of the colors. its clearly ice climbers man
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Wow,
So today sucked and then sucked again, then didn’t suck and then ended up being a good day.
My day started with snoozing my alarm and skipping my shower because depression. Then not having enough time to shovel so I tried to rev Jeremy’s low ass car through the snow and ice at the end of the driveway. Got stuck. And tried for almost 20 minutes to shovel myself out but had to wake Jeremy up anyways. Then we got snippy and loud with each other because I didn’t wake him up. But he’s gotten mad when I’ve woken him up in the past to move his car. So I told him how I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Then we kept telling each other to shut up and he called me annoying and I started to shut down. Well after 8 trips of bringing bowls of hot water outside, we got his car unstuck. I stubbornly left without saying goodbye only to get halfway down the street and find a shivering pitty. She let me pet her and read the tags on her collar. I called the number and tried to get the pup in my car to take to the hospital on her tags so hopefully they’d know who to call. No luck, pup ran under a house and wouldn’t come out. Jeremy came to try and help coax her out and into my car. Still no luck, but I think Jeremy was able to contact the park owner to get her back to her home.
Then my boss, Chrissy, got fired. They went into a meeting with the CEO, or whatever tf he considers himself, to talk about how our usual facility we refer patients to is thinking of dropping us because the prior auths are not getting done on time which is messing with patients’ infusion dates. They didn’t fire the clinical manager whose fault it is that they aren’t getting done on time. They fired Chrissy for occasionally getting fed up with how much is put on her shoulders (usually by Avery) and then gossiping and joking with us. I’m sure Avery’s the one that complained to HR so many times to get her fired. 🙄
So I smoked on my lunch because honestly I had already put in two applications on Indeed. Jeremy sent me snaps of Ruby jumping on our bed. And he put her hair in a ponytail for the first time; it looked so good, no bumps! But Ruby’s bangs are getting so long, she looked like a pterodactyl. 😂 That video made me so happy. I drove around after smoking in my car to air it out and Ride came on. Ruby always sings along to the “whoa-oh-oh-oh” part so that made me smile too.
But then I had the greatest idea. Fuck a new medical receptionist job. This is the perfect opportunity. Ride it out at my job until May, use up all my PTO, and then start the LPN course and go back to Timmy’s. I mean shit, they pay roughly the same as my current position and I can work Saturday-Tuesday mornings, have school Monday-Thursday nights and have Ruby Wednesday/Thursday mornings, Friday all day and Saturday/Sunday nights. Jeremy’s dad will only have to babysit Tuesdays and a couple hour overlaps in mine and Jeremy’s schedule. It works for everyone. I get more consecutive time with Rue, Jeremy’s dad gets his rest, and I further my career and finally get closer to my main goal of surgical nursing. Ruby will be 3 when I graduate then I’ll make more and can save more. We’ll have a bigger house by the time she’s 5 and then can hopefully have our Landen Cooper. We were gonna name Ruby that before we knew we were having a girl. 😂
So I got home from work, we played outside in the snow, we had some dinner, then Ruby had her bath (and soaked me/threw all her bath toys at me 😂) , and I read Ruby every book she gave me (and then swiped away in the middle of the first page 😂). She cuddled in my lap to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Frog and Toad, which btw were my favorites growing up.
Jeremy and I watched Station 19 and left off where a character dies and they show the grief throughout his family. It made me realize I never lost someone super close. I’m terrified of the day I do. I’m in my late 20’s so I know it’s bound to happen soon. I’m constantly worried about losing Jeremy or Ruby or Sydney or really anyone I love. So I cried. In front of Jeremy. In front of someone, I showed emotion; and I feel vulnerable talking about it now, but in the moment it felt good to feel.
But as I was talking to Jeremy, I said something that I hadn’t actually considered before. I was talking about how I know I’m exhibiting old coping mechanisms still by self sabotaging, but I’m aware of it and that’s a good first step towards doing better. BUT I told Jeremy that I feel like I’m self sabotaging my relationship with Ruby by shutting down around her sometimes because I don’t feel like I deserve such a beautiful, kind, generous, caring, happy daughter. I feel like I don’t deserve my daughter’s love.
And it’s such a double edged sword because yes I’m improving so hopefully my daughter won’t grow up to doubt that she deserves love, but at the same time, wtf did I do to deserve to be raised to feel this way?
So I can’t do anything to change the past, but I can do better for mine, my daughter’s, my boyfriend’s, my future child’s future. I’m taking the time to myself tonight; to drink, to smoke, to stay up late and cry along to fictional tv shows. But tomorrow, I’m taking bigger steps than I have been. Self care, sobriety, mental health, my medication, engaging with my daughter and doing better to teach and not just watch over; that’s what’s taking priority. I am different than what I’ve known. I will do better. I will support better. I will be a better example. I will love better. I will get better.
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One of Three - Chapter 5
One of Three
Chapter 5 – Perchance to Dream
It was snowing, and Sera’s breath caught had as she watched from high in her apartment as it started to gather on the ground. Being from Florida, it did get cold in the winter, on a few occasions it had flurried, and she would open her mouth to catch the icy bits on her tongue. But this was something else entirely, the world was turning white outside, and it was going to continue for the next few days. The city was used to this, already salting roads and sidewalks, the news telling people to be prepared to shovel they’re drive and keep their vehicles out of the open unless they wanted to dig for it.
The schools have even bound ahead and canceled classes for Monday, anticipating lack of attendance for hindrance and, well, it was the first snow of the season. Sera was excited to play in it herself. She had always wanted to build a snow man, maybe make a snow angel, coming back in half frozen to drink hot cocoa. Better yet, hot cocoa mixed with coffee. She knew the weather was going to affect her though, the billowy winds shocking her as soon as she opened the outside doors proving that.
Going back to the living room, she thought the storm was a good metaphor to the last several weeks, a whirlwind. It felt her feel good that her life had taken such a turn. Sure she was still cautious and didn’t talk to many people. But she went out more with the people she did. She had went out to eat a few more times with Janine, even going out with her and Claudette, though the plans for that night had been orchestrated by Claudette and the three had ended up at a veteran’s hall playing bingo and sipping punch. But it had been fun, especially seeing the other girls flip out over winning a hula hoop and a pair of sunglasses. Among all that, things had been quiet, the killings taking a drop on the news. Not having to hear about another body washed up somewhere was a blessing she was grateful for.
Then there were the boys, who were much more persistent on getting her out of the apartment. They’d do everything from odds and ends like accompanying her to the market or taking a walk with her and Shep through the park. Sometimes they’d even surprise her by taking her to the movies or sitting on the edge of the wharf where the fishermen would pull in and dock. But usually they would come over and enjoy a meal with her, and just talk; all these things they would arrive unexpectedly, but she found herself liking that as well, the spontaneity. A few times dragging her out to go to the bar they frequented, a little Irish pub called McGinty’s. It was run by a sweet older man called Doc reminding her of the dwarf in Snow White with his glasses, figuring out immediately that he had a form of Tourette’s, she had slapped the boys when they had started messing with him about it.
“I stopped givin’ a –“
“Fuck!”
“When I saw ye layin’ on yer –“
“Ass!”
They thought it was hilarious and she gave a half crank blow to their heads leaving them stunned, while Doc had started cackling.
“It’s all right, lass, they do this ta me all de time. It’s all in fun, but I didn’t mind seein’ that.”
She had then been introduced to her first Guinness and their friend Rocco, the man who had helped find her.
“It’s not all that hard sweetheart, browse through some phone books and make a few calls, not as much work as these two make it seem. They’re both just too dimwitted and lazy to think of doing that on their own.”
The result of that had been handfuls of ice tossed and a headlock to the floor. It was nice, the beer and the events warming her from the inside, she enjoyed the carefree attitude around her. She knew the boys would be visiting her today; usually they would call her if they were a bit too drained from work just to check in with her. But when they didn’t they would pop up at her door. She believed they did that in the beginning so she couldn’t leave, or pretend she wasn’t there. Which she could anyway, but now it had become a system and she was fine with it. Clicking on another pot of coffee, she decided to make some supper for when Connor and Murphy did decide to show up.
She had already known that they had many childlike quirks, but taking them to the market with her that day, it was worse than having a team of screaming three year olds with her. They would find something like a pack of a certain pastry or cookie they would want, both having chosen a different flavor would bicker over which one to get. Sera had pointed out that they were old enough to get both of them if they wanted and it would appease them, until the next display of interest would come up and it would start all over. She could also tell they had a void of home cooked meals, greasy take out being their main food of choice. And when she went through the produce section, she would ask what they would like, holding up different greens they would turn their noses at.
But like three year olds, it wasn’t hard to trick them into eating them, she would cover it with a sauce or cheese and though if they found some spinach not chopped up enough they nibble the edge before sticking the whole thing in their mouths. She smiled, it was adorable in a way. Looking through her fridge, with some of the leftovers she had she came up with making a decent pizza for them both. They’d, of course, would want more meat on theirs, so she measured out enough to make two. Artichoke hearts, olives, chicken, beef, arugula, peppers – she had plenty to top off with putting in the dough to cook for a little while she simmered some tomatoes on the stove, chopping everything else up as she waited.
She was far from being any type of gourmet, but she had spent enough time in the kitchen when one of her parents was cooking, as well as two grandmothers that bled chicken broth so she knew a good amount of how to get by. She pulled the crusts out, layering them with the chunky sauce, piling on the various toppings, making sure one had more cheese and meat than the other. The smell of sauce and carbs had filled up the room, making her forget her coffee when a huge yawn raked through her.
Pouring a mug she put her face into it to breathe the aroma in. She hadn’t slept in about two days now. And with the grogginess from the gray clouds outside and the lack of sleep left her in a fatigued stupor. It was the nightmares, sometimes they would ebb off, letting her have nights of blank slumber, but for many nights now all that was put in her mind was Selene’s horror filled eyes as blood ran down her throat, going back to her mom tied to a table, her slender body exposed an slashed to pieces, the last going to her dad, hands bound behind his back and strung high by his neck in the trees.
No, she didn’t want to relive any of that any more than she had to, so giving up one of her favorite pastimes, she did her best to stay awake. Her knuckles brushed her cheeks, an unconscious act, something her father did as he told her goodnight. Sapph put so much blame on him, and in the beginning so had she. But, with time, the anger slowly dissolved trying to see from his perspective that her dad tried to do right at the end.
He had been a judge, a very prominent bench trial judge. Most people, who stood before him, were of various high crime organizations, more or less mobsters. She sucked on her teeth then, hearing some of his cases that he would go over during dinner would make Sera want to laugh, some of the terminology of it making her think of the 1920’s mafia.
“So did they swim with the fishes, daddy?”
But they were real, very real, and what her dad never mentioned during all those evening meals was the various chords of business that had been struck. For a price, a lot of evil would be allowed out of his court with merely a slap to the wrist. Until one day it her dad decided to stop, making a loop and sending the crime boss to prison. Maybe the man wouldn’t meet her father’s price, though Sera would like to think the deeds he committed were heinous enough that her father couldn’t turn a blind eye to it. Either way the man’s family wasn’t pleased with the outcome, thus sealing her and her family’s fate. A watered down version of it anyways. Sera had seen hell during the last year and a half and did not want to feel those licks of flame again. Setting the timer for the pizzas, she curled on the couch with Shep, gathering a book and a glass of wine the boys had given to her, claiming it was much too girly for them. Their loss, she liked it, the alcohol not overtaking the fruity taste.
Letting herself take a few sips she tried to let herself get into the world of five sisters constrained in isolation and the events that would lead them to want to take their own lives. As the youngest jumped out the window, Sera had dropped the book as she fell asleep.
“…Include us with them forever, and let us not be ashamed for we put our trust in You.”
Seven year old Selene whimpered faintly. “So does that mean if we do what’s right we’ll burn at the stake too?”
Sera could see her mother shaking her head at their father. “I don’t know why you tell the girls these things, they’re not Sapphire they can’t handle hearing that. It could scare them, give them nightmares.”
Sera blew her lips together in annoyance. “I’m not scared; don’t see the point is all.”
Her dad squared his shoulders then, flabbergasted. “The point? It’s your heritage young lady, that’s the point!”
“You keep saying to value our beliefs. But that one girl you talked about – Duque, she showed her beliefs, converted people, spread all that stuff about the Messiah coming, but she lied, He never did and she burned for it. So what was the point?”
Her father’s posture softened, pulling her on his lap. “The point, honeybee, is that despite all the horrible things going on around you, you have something to give you hope. No the Messiah didn’t come during her time, probably won’t come in ours but He will. And that’s something to hang onto.”
Sera still didn’t understand. “So are we going to burn or not?”
Her mother laughed. “Next time honey, why not stick to the Book of Esther for hope instead of going through religious martyrs.”
Selene clenched the side of her mouth, standing up. “Something’s burning, momma.”
Sera could smell it too, the scent of wood burning strong from the windows. Pulling the curtain back she fell down at seeing the flames engulfing them from the outside. She could then hear a loud banging from the door, but with the flames it was impossible anyone could be out there. There was no way she’d open it anyway, knowing the flames would eat up the house in an instant, then she heard barking.
“Shep?”
But Shep wasn’t with her then. But the barking got louder.
“Shep!”
Wrenching up, she saw Shep beside her, his paw clawing on her chest to wake her. She could still smell the smoke, the apartment itself hazing in gray fog.
“I slept through the timer!”
Then came the knocking. God, someone probably thought she set the place on fire.
“Just a second!”
Running up to the oven, she shut it off, opening the oven door and buried in a plume of black. She coughed on the charred taste, seeing the remnants of the pizza on the trays.
“Open up the door, lass!”
She sighed, it was the boys, and the house was encased in a haze.
“Let me open the windows first!”
She wished she had a balcony now; the larger doors would help the place air out more quickly.
Running her fingers through her hair, she knew she was a mess, but they saw her like that more often than she would like. Opening the door, the two strode in past her.
“What happened?”
She shrugged. “I was trying out smoke signals, didn’t work out too well.”
They looked at her aghast.
“I was trying to make us something to eat, but I fell asleep.”
“Christ sake, love, there was smoke coming from under the door, and ye wouldn’t answer…”
She went to the little closet that doubled for linens and storage, she reached under the shelves for a box fan, only to be pushed aside as Murphy got it loose from the surrounding junk.
“Connor was about to kick the door in, was scared for ye.”
Connor scoffed from the kitchen and Sera saw him dumping the burnt food in the garbage.
“Wasn’t scared, worried, yeah, not scared though.”
“You were fuckin’ scared, so was I –“
The heat in Murphy’s words was going to lead to a fight, so she tried to deflect them. “I’m sorry guys, I need to replace the damn fire alarm, and I really shouldn’t have fallen asleep like that.”
Murphy plugged the fan in before turning back to her, his face not holding its usual playfulness but serious, maybe a first for him.
“You haven’t been sleeping have ye, aingeal? I can see it in yer eyes, exhausted as hell aren’tcha?”
“I’m fine, I haven’t been sleeping as much as I should, but it’ll be okay. I’ll catch up when the holidays roll around.”
Connor came back to the living room, falling back on her couch. “Yur a shit liar, love, better stay away from poker.”
“I will, especially since I hear the Irish love to cheat at it.”
He sat up then, pointer finger wagging in mock anger. “The Irish don’t cheat at nothing, girl. Got luck on our side, don’t need to.”
“If you say so, MacManus.”
“I do, I also say you should get some rest, Murph’s right ye look like ye barely survived a plane crash.”
“Well, thank you boys, I didn’t have time to put on an evening gown and get dolled up for you.”
Murphy laughed, shedding his pea coat before picking her up and tossing her on his shoulder.
“Now don’t be like that, want honesty don’tcha, besides Conn and me look like shit all the time.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it, now put me down.”
“No, love, gonna take ye a good rest.”
“Absolutely not, I got to scrounge something out for us to eat and make sure you two behave. I’m sure it’d look like closing time at McGinty’s if I left you two alone.”
Connor sat up and waved the cordless in her face, which was a little disorienting being upside down. “I know how ta use a phone, I’ll get us some food.”
She groaned, letting her head fall, which ended in the curve of Murphy’s back. “You’ll only get something artery clogging.”
“I’ll get veggies on the thing, don’t worry bout it.”
Murphy hitched her up, adjusting her weight. “Aye, let Connor worry about the food, I haven’t gotten ta see yer room yet. Could use a nap myself, that way ye have no need to think we’ll fight, and Connor will have ta pay fer the food.”
“Oh, no, there’s money in bag Connor!”
Opening the door, Murphy dropped her on the bed. “He aint gonna listen to that, told ye we’re gentlemen. Ladies aren’t meant ta pay. Now get comfortable.”
“I feel like I’m signing a death warrant with that line.”
He smirked. “I ain’t tryin’ nothing, not today. Like I said I wouldn’t mind catchin’ me some sleep as well. Been working double shifts the last three night and I can feel it.”
Sera grinned at him, watching him light a cigarette before tugging on his boots.
“Maybe you’re getting old, Murphy.”
“Aye, but that only means yer right behind me on that.”
“Hey! That’s not something a gentleman would say.”
“Sorry, love, perhaps I’m just selective in the acts of it.”
Standing up he kicked off the untied boots, tugging on his belt to throw on her dresser. Looking at his dingy shirt and jeans she realized they dressed alike. She wanted to laugh at the discovery, but they did. Boots, jeans, belt, both wore t-shirts though one would always wear a lighter color unless it was black, and their pea coats. Unbelievable.
“What’s that look on yer face, girl?”
“I just think it’s cute how alike you two are, you are but you’re not. If that makes sense…you’re both dressed alike…”
Murphy seemed to withdraw a little on that. It was something else she had come to notice in their differentiations, neither got serious too often, usually they were both teasing and playful, but on some accounts Murphy was much more shy, his brother’s exuberance pulling him from his shell.
“Is that bad?”
“Of course not, I didn’t mean it like that, Murphy, actually I was thinking how cute it was. I like how you’re both so comfortable with each other. It’s like water, you both move to the current together.”
His smile returned, along with a small bit of red in his face as he lay back on the bed. “Oh, this here is comfortable, aingeal. Might not be sitting in your livin’ room any longer.”
She chuckled, getting up to go to the bathroom to change into some sleep pants. Coming back she saw Shep had gotten on the bed, laying between Murphy’s legs as he got his head scratched.
“Did you and yer sister ever dress alike?”
Her bottom lip jutted out in thought. “When we were babies, all the time, our mom dressed all three of us alike. But then, she was like – oh, they need to be individuals. So she started dressing us different. As we grew older, I was much more into what was comfortable, Selene not so much. She always wore a dress, always, and where I would be ready in ten minutes she’d take two hours to settle on which shoes to go with which purse.”
Lying beside him she looked over to see a small twinkle with his smile. “Ye like ta talk about her, don’tcha?”
“Yeah, I do. Keeps her here with me.”
He nodded, understanding, before putting his arm around her and pulling her to him. “So why can’t ye sleep, love?”
In a slow movement, she let her head lay on his chest, his heartbeat thudding in a comforting rhythm, she let herself take it in, his warmth, the way his breath tickled the top of her head, the languid way his arm was slung around her, but held on enough to be snug. Oh, she knew she’d fall asleep like this.
“Been having nightmares.”
“About yer sister?”
“About all of them.”
Sera didn’t have to look up to know he was confused. She sighed, sadness flooding in her as she let her face nuzzle into his chest. “They’re all gone Murphy, it’s only me and my brother left, and he’s gone too. He doesn’t even want to be around me.”
He was quiet a moment, his hand coming up to rub her back, his face burying itself in her hair.
“I’m so sorry, love, neither of us knew –“
“I – I didn’t really want you to. I didn’t want you to feel bad for me. But since you two are crazy enough to hang around you may as well know.”
He had questions, she knew, hell she would too. But he held it in, giving her the luxury to relax again.
“Did the big bad Murphy ever have nightmares?”
He still held her close, thumb stroking her shoulder. “Aye, used to have the same one when I was a kid.”
“You don’t have to but –“
She tried to look at him, feeling him shrug as his heart fluttered against her cheek. “Eh, wasn’t that big of a deal. Used to dream of being outside the cathedral back home, it’s one of those gothic churches ye see ‘em all over here as well. A lot of them have those damned gargoyles up there, peering at ye, judging ye. Ma used to say if we didn’t live by the grace of God they’d be the things to drag us to hell. Well, there the thing was staring down at me, ye could hear the stones cracking under its weight when it moved, when it swooped down I’d duck on the ground could smell fire coming from it that’s how close it got but it didn’t go fer me. Went fer Connor, took him away to punish me.”
Murphy used his free hand to wipe at his face remembering his childhood nightmare upsetting him. Sera patted his chest, leaning up and kissing him on his mole, his designated spot, and he smiled at her.
“I’m sorry you for that, having your subconscious think that…but it’d never happen to either of you. You’re both too good for that.”
“That so, aingeal?”
“Let’s see – you’re both devout in your faith, kind to others, respect your mother, live modestly and charitably. If that’s not a key to the gates, don’t know what could be.”
His smile grew, taking her hand and bringing it palm up to kiss.
“What’s all this now, I get us food and you two go behind my back and get lovey dovey.”
“Aww, shove it, Conn, the lass and I were having a discussion.”
“Oh, and what about then?”
Rolling over to face Connor, she saw him parroting Murphy from before, stripping his belt and shoes as he came to the bed. She smirked at him.
“Different things, how long do we have before the food gets here?”
“Due to the snow, they said it could be over an hour.”
“How about we nap then, when the food gets here if you’re really curious about our discussion we’ll talk about it with food.”
Connor flopped on the bed on the other side of her. “Sounds like a plan to me, love. This bed is fuckin’ comfy.”
She giggled one more time, she looked back and saw Connor snuggled down in the pillows, armed draped around his head. Before leaning back to Murphy, who’s eyes were already closed, his breathing starting to even out. Maybe with the two of them surrounding her they could protect from her dreams.
She was woken again by barking and knocking, the dreamy stupor. She was so warm though, that was when she woke fully, two bodies up against her, though she calmed remembering who. Both Murphy and Connor’s faces were pushed in her hair, though Connor’s was pushed against her scalp, their hands were situated in a way not to touch each other only her, zigzagging a path along her waist. With one pushed into her front and the other into her back, she was in a nice cocoon, it would be easy to go to sleep again. But the knocking was there, and Shep’s barks were getting restless. Relenting to getting up, she ease her way out of their embrace, the action near to effortless due to countless slumber parties and nights ended up sharing a bed with Selene.
Going to the door, she apologized to the poor delivery boy giving him a larger tip than necessary to make up for his time. The pizza did smell good, and she wondered if she should wake the boys while it was still fresh. Taking down some plates she got the table ready, turning to go to her room she found she’d only have to wake one. Connor emerging while running his hand through his messy dark blonde hair.
He gave a loud yawn. “Food finally here, love?”
“Yep, just set the table about to wake you.”
His smile was gentle. “Used yer money too didn’t ye?”
“I did, it’s the 90’s Mr. MacManus.”
“Well, aware there, aingeal, ain’t no rule that says I can’t take care of ye every now and then.”
She focused on the table, blushing. “You two take care of me more than you know. It won’t hurt to let me care for you.”
She jumped feeling a hand on her hip. “Ye do take care of us lass, ye give us something to look forward ta every day. That’s something we don’t take for granted.”
Her eyes grew when Connor’s hand rested on her face. She couldn’t identify the look in his eyes, the closest thing she could get to was affectionate.
“I look forward to you both too.”
She gulped as she was pulled closer. “Ye have no idea how glad I am ta hear that, grá aingeal. Cause me and Murph both hope to stick around fer as long as you’ll have us.”
“That could be a long time, you both may be sick of me by then.”
A chuckle rumbled through his chest, his face drawing closer to hers. “Don’t be coutin’ on that.”
She closed her eyes, waiting to see what he’d do when a voice stopped him.
“Where the fuck did everyone go?”
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