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fecundaratis · 5 months

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i dont wanna write creatively about it today.

today, i just feel sad and empty.

for the last month or so, ive been having panic attacks. not every day, a few times a week at most i think. every other day maybe.

my whole body tenses up. i shrink myself as small as i can. my neck and shoulders are killing me. i dont even realize its happening.

my partner notices something off. asks if im ok. if i want a hug. and i freeze and start panicking. no, dont, dont you fucking touch me. get away. im holding my breath for minutes at a time, completely unaware that im even doing it. they tell me to breathe and it just makes me angrier. im pissed off that theyre trying to help me. pissed off that they noticed something was wrong. when they walk towards me slowly, like theyre trying to calm a feral neighborhood cat, i get this instinct to run as fast as i can. to hide. to become invisible until they stop looking for me. instinctively, i feel that once they stop looking for me, it will be safe to come out.

but i never do that. because they arent so pushy as to make me finally take that step. they tell me gently to take deep breaths. but trying to regulate my breathing just makes me hyperventilate. my lungs are sore from holding my breath for so long.

after it passes, my whole body hurts. i feel like ive run a marathon, i feel like ive lifted up a car. im exhausted and i ache so much that i can barely move.

lately, i dont leave the house to do errands with my partner. when i think about what makes me so anxious to leave, i think about people seeing me. not even speaking to me, or attacking me, or getting hit by a car or a mass shooting, i dont think about all of the things that would almost be reasonable to be afraid of. i just think about being seen.

i am terrified to my bones of being looked at right now. i feel like being acknowledged is the worst thing that can happen to me. when i think about my loved ones seeing me, my siblings or my parents or grandparents or friends, i worry theyll see that somethings wrong just as easily as my partner does.

my thoughts are so constant, so quick that they feel like tv static inside my head. thoughts so numerous and constant that it almost feels like im not thinking at all.

im trying not to. but im distancing myself from people i care about. when they try to take care of me, i want to fight them. i want to yell at them to leave me alone. i get so mad that it scares me.

im so worried about what will happen when people care about me, but i also feel betrayed when they dont. almost like, im suffering so prettily, dont you see it? i put all this effort to be perfectly tragic and you dont even notice. you arent even grateful for how i suffer. as if im doing it for them.

im terrified of what this means for me. if my symptoms are real, or if theyre just desperate bids for attention. a 15 year old pretending to be depressed for attention is sad, but im 31. now its just pathetic.

i told my partner eariler, "i dont like when you humor my delusions." they told me, "you think so many fundamental truths about yourself are delusions."

when i think about the possibility that my problems are real, i feel cold terror in my gut. like being afraid of getting caught doing something bad. when i think about maybe ive lied about every bad thing thats ever happened to me, i feel something like relief. maybe ive lied so much, that i dont even know what the truth is anymore. or how to tell it. maybe ive lied so much ive completely convinced even myself that those lies are true.

when i tell my partner these thoughts, they tell me "you include details that someone lying about these things wouldnt think to include. you leave out details that someone who was lying would add to aid the deception." they insist that they can tell im not lying about any of this. they tell me that there are things about me that retroactively made sense after i disclosed some of my history.

a part of my brain hisses out that theyre blinded by love for me. that the possibility that they couldve fallen in love with someone who was so deceitful is so harrowing for them, that they ignore the clear truth: that i am someone who lies for attention and pity.

that part is so loud sometimes. a part of my brain is so loud and verbally abusive that i cannot cope with it. i dont know if its my conscience or a coping mechanism.

im so tired. i just want to know what is real

#entry

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samanthasroberts · 7 years

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How To Deal With Meeting Bae’s Family When You Have Horrible Anxiety

I haveanxiety, baby. Crippling, not-cute, debilitatingANXIETY.

I might as well wear a T-shirt that says, Talk ~anxiety~ to me because I indulge in that anxious talk much more than I indulge in that dirty talk.

Sometimes, when Im drinking by myself at the bar, Ill gaze at those laid back girlswith their bohemian beach wavescasually cascading down their sun-kissed backs, meeting their boyfriends family for the first time and Im sick with jealousy.

I just want to be a non-anxious girl who doesnt wear makeup,authentically enjoys yoga, rolls out of bed and throws on a braless, side-boob dress and puts the frenetic energy of a New York City subway gorgeously at ease with my magnetic, carefree swagger.

But, no. Im actually an acutely raven-haired, snow-white, pale-skinned, hyperactive mascara lesbian, all big anxious eyes, caffeine-shaky lips and nerves.

My leg is inexplicably shaking as a write this. Is something ANXIOUS about to happen?

Nah, girl. Its a boring Tuesday in lower Manhattan. Im just feeling things because I dont know how to not feel things.

Im just feeling things because I dont know how to not feel things.

But I adore love. People who suffer from anxiety and depression tend to fiercelylove because were glutenous in the feels department, like out of control chocolate addicts who just cant help but devour a box of Godiva in one sitting.

People with anxiety tend to fiercely love because were glutenous in the feels department.

We recklessly dive into the emotional pools, whether its the anxiety pool, the depressed pool or the love pool.

Two anxious/depressed entities swimming in the love pool is a powerful force of nature (not necessarily a healthy force of nature,but theyre still a forceto be reckoned with).

Social anxiety is the worst when youre dating someone new. Because, all of a sudden, youre forced to ~socialize~ with their people.

Its probably really good for us to crawl out from under the covers and mingle with fresh personalities, but damn, is it harrowing.

But ya know, kittens, if we want love so bad, were going to have figure out a way to deal with our social anxiety.

So today, together, like two long lost, anxious sisters, were going to navigate the dark and stormy waters of dating with social anxiety.

Last week, we talked about dealing with meeting your significant others friends with social anxiety. And this week, were going to talk about the collectively feared meeting of the family.

Iknow this one is tough. Because the thing is, when you love someone something fierce, you want to be close their family. You want to be loved, accepted and celebrated by them.

But how the hell do you get there when youre feeling irrepressibly shy?

Now that Im a smug 30-year-old, I can tell you Ive learned a thing or two in my time here on this cruel, cold planet earth. At this point, Ive become such a ferocious expert in charming a significant others family, I can do it with the grace and ease of a ballerina.

So, if the leg-shaking, former over-drinker due to her extreme shyness, bug-eyed, noticeably quiet girl has learned to deal with meeting the SOs fam, so can you.

Here is my basic beginners guideline. Message me, if you have more questions, for I am your anxious lesbian big sister. And I amalways here for you.

1. Be more polite than the Queen of England.

Its OKto be a little shy. But the trouble with being shy is this: Shy can sometimes be misinterpreted as bitchy.

Iknow thats not the case, and you know thats not the case. But does baes family know thats not the case?

Unless they have a mastersin psychology, no. They dont. So you need to be over-the-top polite.

Make sure you look everyone you meet in the eye, smile and firmly shake their hands. Say sweet, polite, sugary things like, So LOVELY to meet you!

People can handle quiet, as long as youre a polite quiet.Channel your inner Kate Middleton, and act like a god damn royal.

Channel your inner Kate Middleton, and act like a god damn royal.

It will distract everyone from your palpable anxiety. And if they do notice your trembling hands, theyll know its because youre nervous fromtrying to impressthem.

And theyll be inclined to love back anyone who loves their gorgeous, perfect child.

2. Take the piece of cake, no matter what allergies you have.

I dont care if youre on the Atkins Diet. I dont give a shit about your gluten allergy. I dont care if youre going to go into paralytic shock from all of the sugar youre eating.

If youre offered a piece of cake, take it. If youre worried youre going to shut down or come across as rude, the best way to put a buffer between your lack of conversation participation is to take the fucking cake when its offered, eat it and gush about how ~amazing~ it is.

You have ONE chance to make a good impression, you hear me? Dont blow it by being a bitch about the food.

Eat the cake today, and save thediet for every other boring day of your life.

Whats a night of irritable bowels over family acceptance for life?

3. Ask them questions about their lives.

OK,so you dont know what the hell to say. Youre tongue-tied, your mouth is dry, your fingers are shaking, you really want a cigarette (even if you dont smoke) and you just want to crawl into a hole and hide.

Take a deep breath right now. Channel your inner California babe.

Ill visualize myself as some sort of calm, hippie, wild-haired Cali girl with golden sand sprinkled across my bare feet and Ill breathe like a real yogi. It helps.

After youve done your visualization and have calmed down a bit, ask their family questions about themselves. Ask them where theyre from, what they do for work, what theyre passionate about and how they made that cake so mouthwatering.

Trust me, everyone loves to talk about themselves. Were all vain, and were all a bit self-obsessed. Let the human condition work to your advantage.

4. Offer to help clean up.

If youre shy, your in with the fam is being of service. Dont bitch about this one, girls. No one is more useless than yours truly.

I dont even know how to load a dishwasher correctly. I dont know how to roast a chicken. I dont know how to iron my linen dresses.

But you know what? When I meet baes family, I channel my inner domestic goddess and I help clean up like Im a god damn professional.

It gets you out of conversation, but still makes you seem amazing, engaged and helpful.

So, stop worrying about your broken nail, and get down and dirty with those dishes, babe! Chipped nail polish today, manis and xanis tomorrow.

Chipped nail polish today, manis and xanis tomorrow.

5. Have a glass of wine, for Christs sake.

Now is not the time to be a prim bitch. Have a glass of wine (just one, two max) and let your hair down a bit.

It will socially lubricate you so youre not a stiff Stepford wife from Greenwich, Connecticut when you arrive on the family frontier for the first time.

Dont have more than two, or else that booze will quickly turn on you. An anxiety-ridden drunk is weird. Its uncomfortable.

But an anxiety-ridden buzz is totally fine!

Have a personality drink, follow steps one through four and youll be good to go, I swear to goddess.

Well deal with using drinking as a crutch later this week. But today, youve just got to get through meeting THE FAM.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/24/how-to-deal-with-meeting-baes-family-when-you-have-horrible-anxiety/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/09/24/how-to-deal-with-meeting-baes-family-when-you-have-horrible-anxiety/

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adambstingus · 7 years