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whysamwhy123 · 4 months

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✨Fic Writing Review 2023✨

Tagged by the wonderful dynamic duo that is @aerodaltonimperial and @perhapswhoknowsvamp and it's very fitting that those two lovely people tagged me because they're a big reason why I wrote much of anything this year! Took me a while to get this done because I wanted to get my last fic of the year out the door first. I'll put the rest below the cut, and fair warning - it's loooooong. This bitch doesn't shut up, so I rambled on. A lot.

Words and Fics

76, 222 words published on AO3 in 2023

15 fics published on AO3 (16 if you count that one kinkmeme prompt I filled and posted anonymously)

2 little tumblr ficlets

Top 3 by Kudos

Voice in the Dark - Hookhausen (not super surprising, considering it was a popular pairing at the time, and it was the fic I wrote for the anniversary event)

Kids These Days And Their Darn Phones - Hookhausen

Half Your Age Plus Seven - OrangeHook (I continue to be incredibly surprised how well this fic did, like...huh?!)

Top 3 by Hits

Voice in the Dark - Hookhausen

Voice in the Dark, Part Two - Hookhausen (how fitting, LOL)

Half Your Age Plus Seven - OrangeHook (Seriously, what was it about this fic that drew people in? More so than any of my other OrangeHook fics? Like, I'm grateful and all but also confused, like this fic is way too long?! And weird about the age difference?!)

Author's Favourite

As much as I'm loving writing OrangeHook now, I think Voice in the Dark, Part Two is probably the best thing I've written? Even though it's also overly long and gets weird at the end (very much did not expect it to go in that direction when I started writing it), I'm actually pretty proud of how that one turned out. I had a clear vision in my head for how each scene would play out and what I wanted to get across, and man, I remember how most of the Hook/Evilhausen dialogue popped into my brain late one night when I couldn't sleep, so I spat it out into a doc and then about a month later when I actually wrote the scene, I don't think I changed a single word? I just added everything else around it, all the not-dialogue parts. And it was just a lot of fun getting to carry on that story, especially as someone who hasn't managed to crank out a proper multi-chapter fic yet. Who knows, maybe I'll return to that world someday...

Fandom Events in 2023

Uh, well, I guess I did the whole Hookhausen Anniversary thing? And...that's about it. I'm pretty disconnected from the fandom at large, whoopsie daisy 😬

Upcoming Projects

Hoo boy.

I have over 5k words of a Ricky/Christian Sugar Baby AU thing written already. I haven't posted it because it kinda needs some smut and that's still not something I can really do. I might post it someday, if I can make something work, or alternatively do what I normally do and put an annoying fade to black in there. Or maybe I'll think better of it and never post it because it's very self-indulgent and I highly doubt anyone else would really be interested or want me to continue it or anything. But I have Ideas for it...so many ideas...

Also, in my ill-fated quest to try and make myself write smut, I kinda started a Ricky/Bill championship celebration fic. Maybe I'll revisit that? Try to get it done?

And then there's that one fic I really want to work on, but have barely started. I've vague-posted about it here before - it's an incredibly fucked-up Dead Dove fic about Daniel Garcia and a Very Bad, Not-Good thing that happens to him, and the subsequent complete mental breakdown that follows. I've had the idea rattling around in my brain for the better part of a year at this point, despite not making much actual progress on it. Every time I think about it though, I have new ideas for scenes or dialogue. I'd like to make it work, but I don't know if I have the writing chops to handle it, plus it would probably end up being super long and nobody would want to read it, so it'd feel like a huge waste of time on my part? And I've had the idea for so long, it's out-dated too. But still, the urge remains...

Oh, and I still have a ton of OrangeHook ideas I'd like to make happen. Some are, of course, about their age difference. Some would (ideally) involve smut. And others... *nervous laughter* Others would likely result in an ''Everyone disliked that'' situation...

Writing Reflection

I was thinking about making a sappy post about this and whoops, here's my excuse! I don't talk a lot on here about my tragic backstory because honestly, who cares? But I will say this - before January of this year, I hadn't written a word of anything in years. Fic or otherwise. I used to love writing, but Stuff Happened and it killed all enjoyment I got out of it, and I thought that's how it would be forever. Then, for reasons I can't even remember, I started reading fic again, specifically in this wild little fandom of ours, and y'all are just so talented that it made my untalented ass want to give it another shot. So...I did.

I remember when I posted my first fic in ages back in January, I thought ''Maybe about three people will read this and no one will leave a comment or anything, but whatever, I wrote a thing and that's something I haven't done in years so that's enough for me!'' And to be honest, I still think that whenever I post stuff now? It's crazy to me that anyone actually reads my stuff and gets some kind of kick out of it. But every kudos and comment floors me and brings me so much joy, I can't even express it properly. I have to say a huge thank you to anyone who's ever read one of my fics, left kudos or dropped a comment. Whoever and wherever you are, you made my day!

And look, I ain't delusional. I know that calling myself a small fish in the fandom would be too generous. But I'm fine with that - because I'm genuinely enjoying writing again and that's what matters most to me. Even though I've also rediscovered how stressful writing can be (🙂🙂🙂) when it comes down to it, there's joy and happiness in my life that wasn't there last year and that's all because I started writing again. And because some lovely folks here decided to let me know they liked what I was throwing out there. The years have not been kind to ol' Sammy Sam-Sam and this year was no exception, but getting to forget about all that shit and write my silly little wrestling fanfiction has been a great distraction and a comfort through this whole year.

So...yeah. Thanks to everyone who's ever commented on my writing, thanks to the folks who follow me on here (I don't know how you manage that though, I'm such an annoying bitch, aren't you sick of me yet?) and thanks to anyone who I've had the chance to chat with about writing and ships and whatever silly little ideas pop into my head (any of y'all feel free to message me at any time, I am always down to blab about whatever blorbos/ideas take your fancy). I'm hoping I can keep this train a-rollin' a little more next year. Still thinking back to when I started writing again, I made my new AO3 account expecting to write Dustjim only, but then I quickly decided I couldn't write those two well enough, and since then I've bounced around a bunch of different pairings, with a few rarepairs shoved in between for good measure. God only knows where my head will be at this time next year, LOL. I'd love to finally be able to attempt some of the bigger ideas I've been cooking up for a while now. Maybe I'll even write a proper multi-chapter fic? We'll see, but this bitch can dream, at least.

Rules:

Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some quantitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please do eat glass, I’ve heard it’s good for your gums.

I'm not going to tag anyone because I'm pretty sure everyone I know who writes has already been tagged? So if you're reading this and you haven't, go ahead and do it! By which I mean, eat glass. Eat all the glass that you want. Accidents happen in the dark.

#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write #Also you really need to learn to shut up dude #This bitch went onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and on #But it was kinda fun reflecting on The Year I Got Back Into Writing #It's been fun yo #Who knows what this next year will bring??

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thefloatingstone · 2 years

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Anyway here's Blind Guardian's 14 minute song about the Fall of Troy as written in The Iliad roughly seen from the perspective of Cassandra the prophet.

Lyrics under the cut because the lyric video was too long for tumblr's limit. and the lyrics themselves are too long for a post on its own.

Turn your head and see the fields of flame

He carries along From a distant place, he's on his way He'll bring decay (Don't move along cause things they will go wrong The end is getting closer day by day) In shades of grey We're doomed to face the night Light's out of sight Since we've reached the point of no return We pray for starlight, we wait for the moon The sky is empty, alone in the unknown We're getting nowhere

We have been betrayed by the wind and the rain The sacred halls empty and cold The sacrifice made should not be done in vain Revenge will be taken by Rome

We live a lie Under the dying moon Pale faced laughs doom Indulges in delight It's getting out of hand The final curtain will fall

Hear my voice There is no choice There's no way out You'll find out

We don't regret it So many men have failed, but now he's gone Go out and get it The madman's head, it shall be thine We don't regret it That someone else dies hidden in disguise Go out and get it Orion's hound shines bright Don't you think it's time to stop the chase Around the ring Just stop running, running Round the ring Don't you know that fate has been decided By the gods Feel the distance, distance Out of reach

Welcome to the end Watch your step, Cassandra, you might fall As I've stumbled on the field Sister mine Find myself in darkest places Find myself drifting away (Death's a certain thing) And the otherworld, the otherworld appears

Find myself, she dies in vain Cannot be freed, I'm falling down As time runs faster, moves towards disaster The ferryman will wait for you, my dear

And then there was silence Just a voice from the otherworld Like a leaf in an icy world Memories will fade Misty tales and poems lost All the bliss and beauty will be gone May my weary soul find release for a while At the moment of death I will smile It's the triumph of shame and disease In the end Iliad

Raise my hands and praise the day Break the spell, show me the way In decay The flame of Troy will shine bright

The newborn child would carry ruin to the hall The newborn's death will be a blessing to us all

Good choice, bad choice? Out of three you've chosen misery Power and wisdom you deny Bad choice, bad choice War is the only answer When love will conquer fear

So the judgment's been made To the fairest, the graceful says Badly he fails

(Warning) Fear the heat of passion, father king Don't let him in, don't let her in Desire, lust, obsession, death they'll bring We can't get out once they are in

She's like the sunrise Outshines the moon at night Precious like starlight She'll bring in a murderous price

In darkness grows the seed of man's defeat Jealousy I can clearly see the end now I can clearly see the end now I can clearly see the end now

The thread of life is spun The coin's been placed below my tongue Never give up, never give in Be on our side so we can win Never give up, never give in Be on our side

Old moon's time is soon to come

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide Nothing to lose, like one we'll stand We'll face the storm created by man

Roar, Roar, Roar, Roar

(Troy, Troy, Troy, Troy) And as the lion slaughters man I am the wolf and you're the lamb

Hallowed Troy shall fall Round the wall Faith is shattered, bodies fall

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide Nothing to lose, like one we'll stand It's all for one and one for all All we live for will be wiped out

I feel that something's wrong Surprise, surprise they're gone Full moon, your time goes by A new moon's still kept out of sight

(We live) Misty tales and poems lost (We die) All the bliss and beauty will be gone May my weary soul find release for a while At the moment of death I will smile It's the triumph of shame and disease In the end Iliad

Raise my hands and praise the day Break the spell, show me the way In decay The flame of Troy will shine bright

Roam in darkness Spread the vision We will be lost if you truly believe

Troy in darkness There's a cold emptiness in our hearts That they've gone away And won't come back

They'll tear down the wall to bring it in They'll truly believe in the lie Lie, lie With blossoms they'll welcome the old foe

The vision's so clear When day and dream unite The end is near You'd better be prepared

The nightmare shall be over now There's nothing more to fear Come join in our singing and dance with us now The nightmare shall be over now There's nothing more to fear The war, it is over, forevermore

No hope, the blind leads the blind Carry on, though future's denied Mare or stallion, there's far more inside We're in at the kill We'll cheerfully die

Misty tales and poems lost All the bliss and beauty will be gone May my weary soul find release for a while At the moment of death I will smile It's the triumph of shame and disease In the end Iliad

Raise my hands and praise the day Break the spell, show me the way In decay The flame of Troy will shine bright

Holy light shines on

So the judgement's been made We're condemned though the trial's far ahead The crack of doom Father, your handsome son is heading home

Still the wind blows Calm and silent Carries news from a distant shore (Heading home) (repeat 2x)

Out of mind Can't get it Can't get it out of my head Sorrow and defeat Sorrow and defeat

#Music #video #greek mythology #greek history #The Iliad #Homer #History #trojan war #helen of troy #Blind Guardian #Spotify

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prncesselene · 3 years

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i love your kathony fics 🥺. are prompts still open? if they are then anything around that moment that is mentioned by edwina in the books - when kate says people will move on from her and anthony's *love match* gossip soon enough and edwina's like not as long as anthony looks at you the way he did at that ball, smouldering, pushing people away to get to kate. i love that because anthony is still in his denial phase but his actions are SO clearly the opposite xD

i am indeed still taking prompts! i’m working through them all ridiculously slowly, as my inactivity might indicate (lol), but i will be getting through everything that’s being sent my way, promise! :)

ao3

“There you are!”

Kate turned at the sound of her husband’s voice, her eyes widening. She hadn’t expected him to notice she’d even left the ballroom, much less follow her out. Her slowly relaxing heart took flight once more, a mixture of shame and embarrassment pooling in her chest.

They’d arrived back in London only a few nights ago, fresh off of their time in the country after the wedding. And though the time spent alone had been rejuvenating and enlightening all at once — Anthony was, in almost every way, a very attentive husband — returning to London as a bride had been a difficult adjustment. The height of the season was still upon them, and with it a number of events and social responsibilities that now asked much more of Kate than they had before.

And she wasn’t quite sure she was up to snuff, if she were being honest with herself.

Anthony crossed the hallway in three long strides and reached her side. “I turn around for just a moment and suddenly you’re gone. Practically knocked down half of the ton trying to find you.”

Kate’s chest warmed. The ballroom had been so full he would have had to have been keeping quite the close eye on her to notice something like that.

She shook her head immediately, dashing those childish, romantic notions away. He’d been very clear on where their marriage stood, and trying to paint his intentions as anything other than a gentlemanly interest in her well-being would only lead to heartbreak. She was already lucky enough, with the deal she’d been cut; asking for anything more than what Anthony could give her seemed selfish.

Once he was at her side, he tugged her elbow, gently bringing her in front of him. “Did something happen? Why did you leave the ballroom so suddenly?”

Kate began to fiddle with the buttons on his waistcoat, her eyes fixated on a string of fabric that had begun to pull from within one of them. “My, it's warm in here, isn't it? You need to take this to get fixed. I can arrange for your tailor to pass by tomorrow afternoon, if you can manage to clear your schedule. I know y–”

“Kate,” he warned, cutting off her nervous rambling, his voice more insistent. To their left, couples and families donning their finest gowns and suits entered and exited the ballroom, chatting amongst each other easily. “What’s wrong?”

She kept fiddling with the string of fabric, chewing on her lips until she was sure they would end up bleeding. Anthony’s hands came to rest atop hers, limiting her movement. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Kate sighed, gathering the strength needed for her admission. “Anthony, I don’t think I’m quite cut out for this.”

“Cut out for what?”

“Oh, you know, all of... this,” she emphasized, attempting to tug her hands away, but his grip only tightened.

“Marriage? It’s a little late for doubts like those,” he murmured.

“What?” Kate met his eyes then, surprised to find they were much more contemplative than she expected. “No, no. It’s not that. It’s just… well, I don’t really fit in, do I? I’ve never been good at the things that ladies are expected to be good at, have never managed to sit still or act demurely or... or anything like that, really and... well, now that is precisely what is expected of me.”

She paused, chewing her lip, taking her eyes off of Anthony’s to stare at the floor. “I know I’m not the kind of wife you expected. The sort that could smile prettily and charm everyone around her and be a proper viscountess.”

Anthony’s eyes narrowed with concern, his stance tightening. He took her hands firmly in his and held onto them, running a thumb over her gloved knuckles. “Kate, where is this coming from? Did something happen?”

Kate swallowed, her heart beating traitorously. It seemed no matter how hard she tried to convince herself of Anthony’s objectivity within their marriage, her body refused to cooperate. The simple gesture of him listening to her so intently, with such gentleness and care, made her knees weak.

“No one is saying anything, if that’s what you’re worried about,” she sighed, noticing the way he relaxed once more. Her face reddened remembering Lady Whistledown’s most recent column. “In fact… well, it’s obviously a bit ridiculous, but the consensus among the gossips of society is that ours was a love match.”

“Ridiculous,” he repeated softly. Not quite a question, but not quite a statement of fact, either.

“Yes. Ridiculous,” she said, her belly swooping pitifully. “Anyways, clearly, it is not. You need not remind me of that fact. That— it’s fine. But even if they think ours looks like a love match, they must think it’s an ill fitting one. I mean, I'm hardly a catch. I talk too loud, express my opinion too plainly. I keep meeting duchesses and countesses and realizing I... I'm nothing like that, Anthony. And I worry I never will be."

For a moment, Anthony didn’t reply, and Kate feared he agreed with her. That he, too, saw their marriage as the farce that it was. That the one with doubts was him.

But all he did he was bring her hands up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles.

“Never speak that way of yourself again, Kate,” he said, his voice serious. “For my sake if not yours. In fact, as your husband, I demand it.”

Kate’s fingers were warm underneath the gloves where he kissed her, her eyes wide.

“I can only speak for myself, but there is absolutely nothing about you that I would wish to change. You are headstrong, passionate, and absolutely everything a proper viscountess should be, all of those other supposed virtues be damned. If someone — anyone — cannot see that, then that is their loss and theirs only."

He tightened his grip on her hands and made sure she was looking directly at him before continuing. "When you enter rooms you command the respect of others not because you are my wife, or a Bridgerton, but because you're you. And you are more than enough.”

Kate was at a loss for words. She knew that love would never be a part of their relationship. That even if her body felt most alive when it was next to his, even if she laughed and talked with him like she had with no one else before, even if she knew she was already halfway in love with him herself — that those feelings would have to be kept under lock and key.

But then, when he said those things…. When he looked at her like that…

It was, admittedly, a little difficult not to want to wrap her arms around him and show him exactly how she felt.

Kate released her inhibitions and embraced him tightly anyways, if only so that he wouldn’t see the errant tears that threatened to slip out of her eyes.

“Thank you,” she murmured into the velvet of his coat, indulging in the comforting smell of leather and tobacco and Anthony that she’d grown to associate with warmth and belonging. That she’d grown to love, little by little. "You needn't lie to me to make me feel better, but I appreciate it all the same."

“There is nothing I’ve said that I wouldn’t happily repeat in front of all of London,” he said, the smile in his voice evident. One of his hands wrapped around her waist while the other tipped her chin towards his. “Will you obey your husband and never disparage yourself like this again? Can I trust you to do that?”

Kate’s eyes narrowed as she bit down on her own smile. She was like a slice of jelly when it came to him, pliant and willing to do whatever he said. It helped, of course, that all he was asking of her was to be kinder to herself. That he seemed to really, truly believe the words he'd said. That he saw her that way.

“I suppose.”

He smiled and leaned down to slant his lips against hers, taking advantage of the brief lull in hallway activity. The arm around her waist tightened and brought her closer to him as his lips explored hers tenderly.

“Anthony!” she scolded, giggling against his mouth. “This is most improper. What if someone sees us?”

Leaning his forehead against hers, Anthony smiled. “The gossip about us is already scandalous. Why not add to it?”

Kate laughed but pulled away, shaking her head. As much as she loved kissing Anthony, she'd had enough scandal to last a lifetime. “I don’t think there’s any need for that.”

Straightening her ballgown and tightening her gloves once more, Kate took a deep breath. It was time to go back to the ballroom, where she would once again have to resume the act of viscountess; to pretend that she knew what she was doing, that she belonged there. With Anthony by her side, at least, it almost felt manageable.

Anthony’s smile was warm when he extended his arm out to hers. “Ready to return to the fun, Mrs. Bridgerton?”

Dash it. With him by her side it was certainly manageable. She had a growing suspicion that with him, anything was. Love matches or no.

She slipped her arm into his, remembering his words. His faith in her.

“Ready.”

#bridgerton #bridgerton fic #kate x anthony #kathony #kanthony #anthony bridgerton #kate sheffield #kate sharma #delaniewrites #AHHHH i have been so inactive lately lol #terrible bout of writers block mixed with a little bit of depression and existential anxiety = a delicious cocktail for NOT writing #but anyways pushing through it so #here you go

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rogue-durin-16 · 4 years

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THE KEEPER (Part I/II)

Summary: When a mysterious person threatens the heir's life, the service of a personal guard is required to keep him safe until the foe is found. Fíli, who doesn't take the matter very seriously, only sees it as an chance to spend more time with certain knight.

Pairing: Fíli x Reader

Genre: angst-fluff

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @queenofmankind @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: a little angst, probably some typos

A/N: am I deliberately ignoring the canonical end of The Hobbit? Maybe so. PSA my phone died and i just got a new one; I'm still getting used to typing with it, that's why I haven't updated in more than a week. It's also why you'll probably find typos here, but I hope you enjoy this nonetheless <3.

Part II

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

I sighed at the music that echoed through the pillared halls of Erebor and managed to sneak into my room. Staying isolated while the whole kingdom was partying made my immature side, the one who would run down to the celebration in the blink of an eye, come to the surface, burying my common sense in its way.

"Must I tie you down to the lamppost?" Luckily, I had the most efficient keeper in the entire Royal Guard to remind me what I could and couldn't do.

"Would it kill you to relax?" I teased, though I had gotten her memo and was already moving away from my door.

"Probably." She replied, sparing me a quick glance with raised eyebrows. "Likely, it would kill you too." I rolled my eyes at her. "That's rather the point."

As a new idea crossed my mind, a smile flashed across my face "I'll risk it." I said, moving to stand in front of her, and held out a hand. "Dance with me?"

"No?" her tone expressed perfectly her incredulity at my words.

"Y/n I'm so bored, please, indulge me." her eyes opened widely, throwing daggers at me as I removed her sword and started to tug her towards me. "No one will attempt to kill me here."

"We don't know that." she retorted, though she didn't stop me from placing one hand on her waist and the other up in the air holding hers.

"Yes we do." I hummed, starting to sway at the rhythm of the music, quieted down due to the distance between us and the great halls. "We're in my chambers."

"will you remind me why aren't you at the party?" she inquired intently.

"Because of Thorin's paranoia?" I feigned innocence as I pretended to doubt the answer.

"Wrong." I pouted and she shook her head. "Someone sent you a death threat." I huffed, pulling away from her to spin her around. "You should take it seriously." I dramatically groaned, pulling her back to me. "Fíli." I couldn't help but grin.

It took me quite a while —almost a year— to convince her to call me by my name and not by my title.

"There is nothing to worry about," I stated, earning a tired sigh from her. We had been having that same back and forth for a week —it had started as soon as she had been assigned that task, in which I might have had a hand. "Because you are here to protect me."

"Something I can't quite do if I'm dancing."

"I said I'll risk it" i repeated with raised eyebrows.

It was then that she finally started to relax in my arms, not before letting out a sigh of defeat accompanied by an eyeroll though. Her beautiful eyes drifted off me to get lost somewhere at my left; took that opportunity to let my poor façade down and stared at her mesmerized as if she was the Arkenstone.

It's not as if I didn't make it quite obvious that I fancied her —actually, that was an understatement— but often my feelings were accompanied by a joking tone to spare my heart from Y/n's genuine reply.

A strong knock made us jump away from each other and rush to get our respective weapons. "Fíli?" My shoulders relaxed when Nori's voice reached us, but just as I stepped to open the door, Y/n tugged my arm to stand behind her. "Calm down, will you?" The dwarf requested, offended at Y/n's hostility whilst letting him pass.

"I tried telling her, but she won't listen." Y/n huffed and I winked at her. "What is it?"

"Thorin wants to move you to another room until this is sorted out." My eyes widened at his words. Now the whole matter was starting to look like a tempest in a teacup. "Dwalin offered to exchange chambers with you."

"You're all exaggerating." Y/n joined Nori in his task of picking up the necessary. "This is ridiculous!" Both of them were now running around the room, completely ignoring me. "I can defend myself!" Y/n, now at the doorframe, motioned me to follow her out of the room. "I refuse to leave my room just because a coward sent—"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Force wasn't necessary." I grumbled, throwing myself over my back to the king sized bed. It wasn't as comfortable as mine.

"In fact," she gave me an intent look, taking off her light armor and mesh, and throwing them over a stone bench. "it was."

I propped myself up with my forearms, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I stared at Y/n. "What are you doing?"

"Getting ready to sleep?" She replied, leaving her sword as close to her as possible, in case she had to reach for it.

"In that chair?"

"Yes?" Now she was the one who frowned confused. "Where else?" With eyebrows raised, I motioned at the large, empty space on the bed. "No?"

"There's enough room left for you and your sword." She snorted as if I was joking —which I partially was but not entirely. "We're both grownups are we not?" Her eyes pierced through me giving me that look. "It wouldn't be the first time that we sleep together anyway."

"We are not to repeat that." She stated.

"Y/n? Y/n." I kicked her leg through my blanket and hers, making her gasp and consecutively turn to meet me with an annoyed gaze. "Don't give me that look."

"You just kicked me." She hissed in the same quiet tone I was speaking.

"Because you're shivering."

She completely spun around so now we were face to face. "That's not a valid reason to kick me."

"I was trying to get your attention." Before she could complain again, I rushed the words out of my mouth. "Sleep with me." She slightly scooted away, surely taken aback by my suggestion. "I'm freezing too." I added, which wasn't a lie, just an exaggeration.

Before I knew it, we were laying together with both blankets over us, our legs interlaced, and our faces way too close.

"this is the most uncomfortable position we could have chosen, is it not?" I laughed, refusing to let my cheeks redden.

She laughed too, in the same way I had. "Any suggestions?"

"maybe..." I started guiding her, searching for another posture. "Maybe... Like this? or-"

I was cut off by her quiet laughter, now genuine and contagious, as she had ended up with her torso over mine. "I don't think this is better." She caged me so she could prop herself and move; and she propped herself, but didn't move.

The muffled chuckles had died the moment our gazes met. Both of us parted our lips in an attempt to say something, but none spoke.

With our eyes locked, my hands carefully traveled up her thighs whilst one of hers hesitantly caressed my cheek.

As if we had silently agreed on it, we both leaned into each other and let our lips share a ghostlike kiss that left me yearning for more. It was the reason why I unconsciously lifted myself, trying to capture Y/n's lips when she pulled away.

I snapped out of it when my forehead met hers and her hands rested on my chest. It was the strangest sensation; seeing the regret in her orbs at the same time as I felt her body refraining itself from returning to me.

"... would it be so bad?"

Y/n opened her mouth like a fish out of water. "It would be worse. I thought I made clear that this" she finally spoke, motioning between me and her "cannot happen."

"Well, this time we're not sleeping in the woods." I reasoned, deliberately ignoring the pang in my chest. "So there is no reason for it to happen again. Now" I patted the matress. "Sleep with me."

After a moment of meditation, she gave in and lay down, throwing the soft furs over her.

Silence.

"This is uncomfortable." She spoke, both of our bodies stiff and our eyes on the ceiling.

"It is."

Silence.

"Okay, take the bed." I finally said, attempting to get off it and move to the chair, just to be tugged back by her hands.

"Don't you dare." Before I could argue, she scooted closer and I had to force myself to relax when she laid her head on my chest because I could make it even more uncomfortable if I didn't do so. "No kissing this time." She teased.

"Yes ma'am." I replied with a chuckle, wrapping my arms around her.

It didn't take long for either of us to fall asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

READER'S P. O. V.

I woke up to Fíli and Kíli's hushed voices, and I instantly jolted up, entering a kind of alert mode that only the two brothers were able to get me into.

"What are you doing?" Kíli's eyes went from his brother to me, and back to his brother. "What is it?" Instead of giving me a reply, the younger prince nodded at the blond one and exited the room. "What on Durin's beard was that?" I inquired, suspicious.

"I was telling him where I was going." Replied, sheathing his blade.

"You are not going anywhere."

"I am going out."

"No you're not." I commanded, already dreading it would be in vain.

"To Dale." He was speaking so casually, as if he wasn't about to disobey direct orders from our king and to get me in trouble in the process.

"Fíli."

"I need fresh air!" His voice became slightly louder in desperation.

"Go to the damn balcony!" I replied, mirroring his tone as I threw the furs off me.

"I'm going out."

"Well, I'm staying here." I firmly stated, not willing to give in just yet.

"Then I'm going out alone." And with that, he left. "Until this afternoon!"

"What even-" after going through a moment of shock, I got up and put on my boots, only being able to grab my sword and belt before rushing out of the room.

"Oh so you are coming?" He teased, literally strutting along the hallway, not bothering on slowing down the pace for me to be able to buckle my belt and sword around my waist without struggling.

"You're impossible." I yanked his arm to stop his walking.

With my attention on the belt I didn't notice how close he had gotten, so when his hands appeared in front of my eyes, pulling away mine, I had to stop myself from gasping. "You have always loved challenges." He pointed out, taking care of securing the belt around me.

"Not when I have to keep the challenge safe." He pulled at the leather clothing to make sure it was okay, and then held my hand to prompt me to resume the walk. "I don't even have my armor on."

"You won't need it." He assured me, not allowing me to go back before sneaking us out of the mountain.

This would surely end terribly.

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edengarden · 3 years

Note

Hello and if asks are still open may I have a regular match up for BNHA?

Name: Nox

Gender: FTM

Occupation: Student (16 almost 17 yrs old. Jan 4th is b-day)

Sexual orientation: Omniromantic Asexual (male/masculine leaning)

Quirk: Transformative/Mutant, "Zoologic shift" (This quirk allows the individual(s) to transform into multiple animals, but the individual has to have a emotional/special connection or feeling towards the animal and to know it's physical structure to properly shift into the said animal (mythical/made up creatures can be acquired but it is extremely difficult due to the fact of anatomy and bone structure). The user only has a limited time to be in their animal form before they start going feral, if the person is angry or has a different strong negative emotion in animal form, the fast they can become feral (once the user becomes feral they will not remember anything until they have calmed down or are somehow distracted), if the user becomes feral for too long they will not be able to transform back unless they are hurt tremendously or their hatred may take a physical form and eventually kill them from the inside (I guess look at the demons from Princess Mononoke to get an idea of what that is).)

Animals acquired: White Dire wolf, Raven, Orca, Clydesdale, Black Mamba, Barn Owl, Russian Blue House cat, Ram, Fire Dragon, Phoenix, Snake Basalisc

At least 3 positive attributes:

Empathetic (emotional and animal, riots and civil conflict bring me to tears as well as I can feel my friends' pain I and want to cuddle ever dog, cat, etc. I see)

Intelligent (at least in certain subjects like language, art, biology, and physical/hero training), serious (it may come off as intemidation but I just usually mess around)

Diplomacy (I try to avoid any physical fights that can but I will fight as a last resort)

Calm (in most situations I try to keep a level head and it works since when most people need serious help they come to you for advice or to vent)

Justful (kinda speaks for itself)

Soft Blunt and Soft Honest (I am honest with people as well as blunt, but I am not mean or hurtful when I say it)

At least 3 negative attributes:

Anger issues (even though usually calm and serious, when pushed over the edge I can become furious and using my quirk will not help at all)

Self sacrificing (since due to personal circumstances I have started to put other people above me (my friends mostly) and I would do anything, even get myself physically or emotionally hurt for them. It is sorta in a way for having approval for those I care about but mostly is just showing that I care for the people I care about)

Self deprecating with imposter syndrome (it's mostly a form of humor, but I take it far enough where people start to worry)

Dark humor (idk I just like it)

Confrontational (if someone confronts and tries to provoke me I will tell them off but never physically fight back)

Self Righteous (The righteousness is good but usually my self righteousness comes up when it comes to someone's safety or when revenge and anger cloud my judgement)

Children (I don't care for children, but I'm afraid my anger will get the best of me and I'll lash. So that's why I stay away from kids as much as possible for tr he fear of accidentally hurting innocence)

Hahahaha...daddy issues...

Hobby(ies):

Hiking in the woods

Drawing (it's usually vented or dark in some way, but sometimes I like drawing people and animals or characters)

Cosplaying

Cooking

cApTuRinG sOuLs-

Learning about Witchcraft/Supernatural/Celestial

Music Taste:

Lofi

Anti-Nightcore/Nightcore

Viking Chants

Sea Shanties

Celtic instrumentals

Death metal

Instrumental

Old Rock

Classical

Bands/song writers: Skillet, SKÁLD, Faun, Black Briar, MARETU, Steampianist, Temporex, Penelope Scott, Mirical Music, Alice Cooper, Pink Floyd, Angel Maker, Forest Music, Panic! At the Disco, MESA works design, , Harrison (not too much into bands but here are the general ones I listen too)

Appearance

Eyes: Brown/Black has bags under eyes

Hair: Red (henna dyed), it's frizzy at the tips and it's long (cab length) and thick (I hate it's length, but parents...)

Skin: Pale (warm tone)

Body type: In between Skinny and overweight, wide shoulders, actually muscular

Anything else?: Teeth have tiny canines, sometimes can have wolf ears and tail showing, kinda thick thighs-, 5'6ish, usually wearing school uniform. Hero uniform includes a black Cape with under it being a black mechanical suit that is bullet and elemental proof, boots are sharp and steel toed resembling a wolf's paw, wears a head mask that looks wolfish as well in the front but in the back of the mask has fur in the back (look towards some reference of the princess mononoke headgear) (not completely like a wolf but sorta resembles one), the mask also helps with muffled hearing and sight because I am sensitive to those things.

Traits I look for S/O: Empathetic, kind, cooperative, someone who also finds comfort in darkness or the shade, someone that knows how to take things seriously but also having a humors side, trusting and loyal, someone that can work with others (I'm usually a loner but I try to work with others), someone that would at least like to have a relationship that includes physical affection (I am a touched starved peep-), I guess someone that works, likes, or even somehow resembles an animal, some that doesn't get angry easily and is patient, introvert an extrovert doesn't matter to be (I guess if I had to choose maybe someone in between the 2?), and I guess someone that just tolerates my presence and doesn't or call me a piece of shit.

Traits I cannot be around with a S/O: Anger...I can't be around angry people because they scare me to the point I become panicked, people that work towards apathy (I may be empathetic but with someone that can't or won't return the same comfort when needed, they exhaust me), untrusting, someone who is a dick to everyone except me (it just seems suspicious and hurtful), someone who is closed minded, someone that has joy in hurting other maliciously, someone who loves bright lights/areas/lives by the sun, guess someone who wants a 24/7 therapist (again it can become exhausted and I know how it is...it isn'tthat nice.)

Star sign: Capricorn (sun), Gemini (moon), Cancer (rising)

Personality type: INTJ, Lawful Neutral

HP House: Hufflepuff that isn't afraid to kickass

Fun facts!:

I'm somewhat of an animal whisperer

Obsessed with herbs and Crystals

I know it seemed edgy with my hatred towards light, but in all honesty the late does infact bother and irritate me, especially when it's hot

Intrested in the celestial and supernatural

I look at horror and nature documentaries

I've trained my dog to come when I howl

I guess if loving spicy food counts as a fun fact then count that in

Ehhhhh...switch sub-

cAndLe bOi-

I must apologize if this is a lot, I just wanted the matchup as accurate as possible, but again thank you for having the ask box open and I hope you have a good day!

Honestly while I read your description, all I could think of was Tokoyami!

I think it’s pretty obvious why?? You two share a lot of things in common. The two of you are very calm individuals, and I can see you both being voices of reason not only to the people surrounding you, but to each other as well. In a way, I think you can even tend to challenge each other and even push (to a healthy extent) the other to become the best version of themselves.

The VIBE you two have. It’s almost too good. And while Tokoyami isn’t affectionate in public, he’d be more than happy to indulge in your starvation for touch behind closed doors! Don’t tell anyone, but he’s a straight up cuddlebug. And I can totally see him digging the spiritual/celestial stuff?? Maybe he won’t actually know anything, but he’d be so hyped if you were willing to teach him omg I can totally see this as your go-to type of date, that’s so sweet 🥺

Songs!!

- Breathe (In the Air), Pink Floyd (I honestly see you and Tokoyami straight up vibing to Dark Side of the Moon like no other to be honest)

- In the Lap of the Gods, Queen

- Sense of Doubt, David Bowie (THIS VIBE IS SO DARK AND URGH I CAN SEE THIS AS A V I B E FOR YOU TWO - However, Neuköln could be a close second to portray this vibe!)

- Killing a Little Time, David Bowie

#mha matchup #mha #bnha #bnha matchup #tokoyami fukimage

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starryeyed-char · 6 years

Text

Expecto Patronum (2/7)

Hunk

Second part of my self indulgent Harry Potter AU. You don’t really have to read them in order, but you should. Basically, I’m doing all of the happiest memories they use to cast their patronuses, and this chapter is about Hunk. I hope you enjoy! It’s 3 AM now so I might have to edit this tomorrow but it’s fine.

Hunk had always been a family-oriented guy. He loved his relatives more than anything in the world, and he spent all his time with them, even though his moms were in the very small percentage of wizarding families that had decided to send their children to public school until they grew old enough to go to Hogwarts. Most would just homeschool their kids.

But Hunk had never had many friends. At school, he was shy and anxious, and never talked to anyone much. The other students teased him for his weight more often than not. Then again, if you accidentally make things happen that no one but you understands, that gives bullies plenty of material.

Hunk had been terrified to go to Hogwarts, to be away from his family and at the mercy of people who would probably just end up being new bullies for nine whole months. He wouldn't even have any siblings there his first few years, since he was the oldest. His parents, both witches who had gone to Hogwarts and in fact met there, assured him he would love it, but Hunk wasn't so sure.

Which is why it was surprising that Hunk's happiest memory didn't take place at home, or with his family. It involved only him and one other person, a person he was meeting for the first time.

But it also made sense, because of the impact this one specific person had had on his life since that time. He was Hunk's first friend, his best friend.

No matter how many happy memories Hunk had with his family, no specific moment could hold a candle to the day he met Lance McClain on the Hogwarts Express.

Hunk stared out the window, even though the train hadn't left the station yet. He'd already said goodbye to his family, and with every second his dread grew.

He'd secured a car near the front of the train, where the first years usually sat, all to himself. Hunk had already made up his mind that he would talk to the other kids as little as possible. Maybe that way, he wouldn't get made fun of.

Hunk turned back to look at the door when he heard noises from behind it, only to see several Hogwarts students, both in robes and out, passing by him without so much as glancing in the car.

One short boy with black hair and eyes that seemed almost purple did pause to look, but quickly continued trailing after the older girl in front of him, who was probably his sister.

Hunk nearly turned back to the window, but stopped when he made eye contact with another boy walking past a few moments later.

This boy's eyes were a calm, dark blue, and he was walking with his two apparent brothers. They stopped, and asked the boy something.

The boy stared at Hunk and the empty car for a moment longer. Then he nodded once, and slid open the door. He plopped down onto the seat across from Hunk with an enormous grin that was all but contagious, and stuck out a hand.

“Sorry to barge in like that. I was going to sit with my siblings, but when I saw you sitting alone I figured you could use someone to talk to! I'm Lance, by the way.”

Hunk stared at his outstretched hand, dumbfounded.

And Lance's smile faltered. “Unless... sorry. I shouldn't have assumed you'd want to talk to me. I can go—”

“No!” Hunk blurted, finally finding his voice. He had no idea what was going on, but he knew that he didn't want Lance to leave. “I mean... no, you can stay. I'm— I'd love someone to talk to. I'm Hunk.” They shook hands.

“Hunk,” Lance echoed, and Hunk mentally cursed himself. He shouldn't have told him that. “Is that... like a nickname, or...?”

“No,” Hunk said, with a sigh. “It's my actual name.” He waited for the teasing to begin. How someone who looked like him shouldn't have a name like that. How his name didn't fit him in any way, shape, or form.

“Hunk,” Lance said again, tapping his chin thoughtfully. He was smiling again before he'd ever really stopped. “I like it! What a cool name! I'll bet the ladies love it, huh?”

Hunk snorted. Ladies? They were eleven years old.

Lance was undeterred. “Man, I'll bet there are so many cute girls at Hogwarts! I don't really have that many friends my age, since my siblings and I were homeschooled before this, but I just know it's going to be great! I'll get to meet so many new people, like you! How fun is that?”

Hunk hummed vaguely, trying to seem interested. The idea of being in a permanent setting with all his peers wasn't exactly all that appealing... but he had to admit that if everyone at this school was as nice as this Lance kid, then maybe he could get used to it.

Lance was, apparently, unfazed by Hunk not answering any of his questions. In fact, he rambled on, not hesitating to ask even more.

“What house do you think you'll be in? I'm pretty sure I'll get put in Hufflepuff, like my brother Marco. But it'd be super cool to be a Gryffindor, don't you think?”

This time, Hunk nodded. He'd done as much research as he could into Hogwarts, and the four houses were actually something he knew quite a bit about.

“Ravenclaw seems pretty cool, too,” he offered, and Lance nodded.

“Yeah, Veronica was a Ravenclaw. I'm nowhere near smart enough for that, though. I hear you have to answer a different riddle every time you go through! As if remembering a password isn't hard enough! How crazy is that?” Lance asked, with a shake of his head, then continued before Hunk could reply. “Man, I hope we're in the same house! Then we could be roommates.”

“Maybe,” Hunk said, and he couldn't help but hope so. But this boy seemed like a Gryffindor if Hunk had ever seen one. Outgoing, speaking his mind, yet kind for no reason at all. And Hunk would probably get put in Hufflepuff, which he didn't mind.

Still, it would be nice if he got to spend more time with his first friend.

“You said you had siblings?” Hunk asked, trying to contribute more to the conversation. If he wanted to return the kindness Lance was showing, he should at least give answers of more than one word.

“Yep!” Lance replied, instantly beaming. “Veronica's the oldest— she was a Ravenclaw before she graduated. Luis is a Slytherin, and he's in his seventh year. Marco's in his fifth year now. Hufflepuff. Do you have any siblings?”

Hunk nodded. “Two, but they're both too young to go to Hogwarts yet.”

Lance tilted his head to the side. “Both your parents are magical, then?”

“Yeah,” Hunk said, nodding again. “My moms are both witches. They sent us to regular public school, though, instead of homeschooling.”

Lance seemed to hesitate, before blurting another question. “You're pure-blooded, then?”

Hunk shook his head. “One of my moms is, or at least it's all wizards so far back that we can barely keep track. But my other mom's parents were muggles. So I'm a half-blood, I guess.”

Lance, who had become momentarily tense, relaxed again. “Good.”

“Do... you weren't asking because you have something against people who are muggle-born, were you?” Hunk wondered, almost afraid to ask. He had really hoped this Lance was as nice as first impressions had suggested.

Lance's eyes widened, and he shook his head automatically. “No! Of course not! It's just... well. My dad was a muggle, and my mom's a witch. She warned me that a lot of pure-blooded wizards have a problem with people who aren't like them. Even though I'm not fully muggle-born, a lot of people think that muggles and wizards shouldn't be allowed to be together at all. That's... that's why I asked.”

“Nope. Half-blood brothers, man,” Hunk said with a grin, then immediately regretted it. Just when he was making a friend, he had to go and say something lame.

But Lance smiled back. “Yeah!” He gave Hunk a high-five, then opened his mouth to say something else. Before he could, however, the door to their car opened.

“Anything from the trolley, dears?” asked the little old lady wheeling a cart of candy and treats.

Lance was visibly staring at all the food longingly, and Hunk couldn't blame him. The smell alone was enough to make his mouth water.

“No, thank you,” Lance started to say anyway. “I'm good—”

“Hey,” Hunk interrupted, fishing out some of the galleons his moms had given him specifically for this purpose. “What's life without a little sweetness? Can we get... two pumpkin pasties, two chocolate frogs, and... some every-flavor beans, just for fun?”

He returned to his seat with the goods, and Lance stared at him in awe. “You didn't have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Hunk said, handing Lance his share. “You didn't have to come sit with me when you saw me by myself.”

“I wanted to.” Lance held out his own chocolate frog case, and clicked it against Hunk's in a childlike toast. “To magic and to new friends, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Hunk echoed, mimicking the gesture.

They ate the chocolate quickly, as children always did, and enthused about their cards. Lance had received Professor Alfor and Hunk had gotten Professor Gyrgan.

Lance sighed contentedly, wiping a hand across his face and smudging chocolate on the side of his nose. “I hope everyone at Hogwarts is as amazing as you.” he said, voicing Hunk's thoughts exactly.

The rest of the train ride they spent just as happily, eating both impossibly disgusting and delicious jelly-beans and talking about their excitement for sorting and classes while the rolling green hills sped past them under a sunset out the window.

Hunk opened his eyes, with a small smile at the memory. A translucent dog materialized out of thin air from the point of his wand, and ran around in circles at his feet. A pretty fitting patronus, he thought. Man's best friend.

And Lance really was his best friend. Even after being sorted into different houses, him in Gryffindor and Hunk in Ravenclaw, they still did everything together that they could. And in their second year, Pidge joined their group, resulting in countless wonderful memories that Hunk had never had before meeting them.

But out of all of those, this moment stuck out the most. It was the beginning of a whole new era of Hunk's life, the moment he met his favorite person.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to see Lance looking at his patronus, a smile on his face.

“Woah, a Labrador! Aren't they, like, one of the friendliest and cuddliest dogs ever? It fits,” Lance said, then seemed to think for a moment. “Well, but wait, is it a chocolate lab or a yellow lab? Or a black lab? I can't really tell.”

Hunk shrugged, not sure which color the ethereal blue light was supposed to represent. “I don't think it matters, man.”

Lance snorted. “Yeah, you're right. Whatever it is, it's perfect.”

And it really was.

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thinkingaboutsanfrancisco · 4 years

Text

Friday April 17th, 2015

If someone would've told me two hours ago that I'd be in the city tonight, much less standing in this fucking park again, I think I would've burned them with my cigarette.

Now that I've been revived by the kinetic energy of lucrative prospects and perhaps a runner's high from racing through the Embarcadero, I can reflect with amusement on my situation's irony instead of wallowing in the curse of it. Obviously I'm here, it's Friday night. Where the fuck else would I be? Making ends meet with my measly retail job where I walk away with $40 at the end of the night? Please. The earnings I can accumulate for one night of transactions wipe out what I gross in a bi-weekly paycheck in that store, it'd be laughable to acquire that lousy shift...especially when I've picked up four there this week already. Shouldn't I be resting instead since I'm so fucking tired? Fuck that. Since being on the other side of the door, I've been blessed with the clarity to realize that genuine sound rest for anyone in our apartment on a Friday night is ultimately futile, and fuck was I finding myself miserable for trying. While my body might've been wasting away on a bed or a couch, there's no way I would constitute the only other thing I've done this week as "rest". Not with the perpetual nausea in my stomach that kept churning from my mind's rotten, embarrassing, reruns that recommenced to torture me without mercy despite how I thought that I'd charred their disgusting instigator to oblivion the last time I was here. It should've been over because it was over to me and it didn't go catastrophically as I'd feared, yet that awful remnant lingered within me like a bitter taste in my mouth and nothing I could conjure up to distract myself was able to fully abolish the feeling. She may be naive that I ruined our friendship but it doesn’t matter, because I ruined our friendship and the only thing that could ever heal my festering regret is time and all I'm left to do is live with my stupid fucking self while I wait it out, which I know I can do. I've carried the burden of far worse guilt before. I'll live.

Five days of on running the worst fucking sleep I've had in two years, however, and whatever remained of my already fraying wit's end was deteriorating to its' last fragile fibers. I didn't want to do a single. goddamn. thing. Taking a couple of steps in our kitchen to open up the freezer, ripping open the bothersome box and pesky packaging, and putting a pepperoni Hot Pocket in the microwave so I could force myself to eat was as laborious as I wanted to get tonight and, while I slumped on the counter with my hand in my palm and waited for that unnecessary ding to inform me of what I was already anticipating, my exhausted frustration provoked me to make a spiel of decisions to ensure that: fuck studying, fuck avoiding texting Ray back, fuck waiting up for my dad, and, most unusual of them all, fuck Natalia. Most of the time I value her consistency, but I dreaded her then-impending text from the second I got back in from school because I was not in the mood to accommodate her pain in the ass schedule tonight, $300 be damned. She always wants an 8-ball before her shift and another when she gets off at one and there was no way in hell I could foresee myself having any ability to hang around Downtown for four fucking hours tonight. It was going to conflict with my Trazadone swiping plans, the enticement of which began to surge when I opened my burner and realized that I was going to have to deny my best customer. I hadn't received her usual request yet, but it was rapidly approaching nine and I was hoping that by intercepting her and initiating word of my very important schedule conflict, she'd be less pissed at my inability to show and not discredit and discard me like she did her other blow-off dealer. Yeah, the money always matters, but the price of my reputation is far more invaluable.

The weight of that knowledge slowed my usual punctual thumbs as I evaluated the brief sentences and consolation with more acuity than I typically reserve for my English essays. If there's one principal lesson I've learned in the last week, it's not to text the first thing that's on my mind...especially when it wasn't in the right place to begin with.

And thank the fucking Lord for that.

Because right when I was in the middle of selfishly setting us up for losing $300, fate buzzed me into my fucking senses and about gave me a heart attack in the process when I registered who the fuck was calling me.

I don't think I've ever picked up the phone and put it up to my ear as rapidly as I did then and it wasn't because I was eager to talk to him. Fuck, if I would've been presented with the question via text that he wound up asking me, maintaining my assurance would've been the easiest thing I've ever done and there's no fucking way I would be standing here but he called me and he never has fucking called me. There's never been a reason for him to and I've never wanted him to because surely it was going to be serious and my mind raced through a white flash of fragmented worst-case scenarios. What the fuck did I fucking do? I stammered out the first word of that question twice before I realized that I was revealing the pure panic in my voice and I had to put a fucking end to it. He demands to know if I'm busy, which I wasn't anymore since everything suddenly got rendered irrelevant by his boisterous, jovial volume that thawed the ice of my fear into cautious curiosity as I started to perceive that this call was more irrelevant to the state of my existence than I thought...

“I wanna go fucking clubbing, J. You wanna go clubbing?! Let’s go clubbing! I ONLY WANT TO GO IF YOU COME WITH.”

Or could've ever considered because what the fuck? No?! Why the fuck would I go clubbing with him?! I don't fucking "club"! What in the everloving fuck possessed him to think that I do? Especially since he already convinced himself that I'm a teenage virgin who's never experienced delights or tragedies of love without me implicating anything explicit to give that impression away or indulge him in it being correct. Now five days later he’s deemed me suitable enough for his clubbing roster? Ridiculous.

So I started to express my disinterest...until he said something that made every part of my broken mind click back into the proper, functioning, place...

“Come on, J…there’s money in it for you.”

Remembering how stunned I was upon hearing it sends me into a chuckle because it's so crystal clear to me now, but upon hearing it I had to work myself through the entire thought process as if I'd returned to Kindergarten and was introduced to the concept of the sum of one plus two equates to three. Of course, that's why S he asked me to go with him. Night clubs and the loosened inhibitions of their clientele are rampant for an opportunity. Granted, it's one I've never considered to take up on because the loose lips of those fiending in the alleyways outside of them after hours were enough to sustain my immediate needs and, frankly, is more apt for my style. No matter what you're trying to sell, whether it be the commerce of cocaine or cars, your chances of successfully convincing a customer of purchasing it increase substantially when you locate one aspect of them to relate to and use it as a driving force. Developing a niche is the proper term for it and my niche is desperation. I'm always desperate. I'm desperate for cash, I'm desperate for success, I'm desperate for a future, I'm desperate for freedom, I'm desperate for safety, I'm desperate for love...fuck, I'm desperate for about everything besides for actual fucking cocaine. I understand what it's like to feel hopeless on these San Francisco streets, searching for that special someone who can swoop in and deliver that sweet salvation and can satisfy what their heart craves and I'm thrilled when, instead of another suffering martyr, I can be a savior.

Like S was for me.

If it weren't for when he agreed to supply for me back in February, that might've been the most important sentence he's ever spoken to me because it's exactly the reminder I needed to hear. My entire move wasn't about making friends or an honest attempt at living or doing as perfectly as I can in school to keep up a GPA that isn't at all an accurate representation of my deteriorating intellect, it was about developing my own contacts and bringing in my own contributions—as legal or "unconventional" as they may be—for our survival and if I was that fucked up by some privileged British girl who would drop me so fucking quick if she found out how abhorrent my real reasons for being in this city are, then Lance Kelley should keep himself awake all night worrying about me because there is no way in hell I can afford to be that weak out here.

And I'm not going to be.

Certainly not when there's this thudding bass alerting me of that familiar black Altima's arrival. I never thought I'd be so relieved to see that car, but it's not so bad now that I don't have to display all of my personal belongings onto its roof. Now that I think of it, S hasn't entertained me with his little game in a while...

Taking a long drag of my Parliament because I'm sensing it's going to be the last one I'll be able to do silently for a while, I watch as S puts the car in park and proves me right when he jumps out and greets me with a name I haven't heard in a while.

“JAMES DEAN! How’s it going?!”

While I roll my eyes at it because I still don't get what he sees in that comparison, it's so stupidly cheerful that I can't resist a chuckle.

Damn, he's really happy to see me isn't he?

My rhetorical question resolves itself when I see color and animation thriving in his face as he exclaims how great I look and...surprisingly, he's not bullshitting me. I was fully prepared for S to call me out on being such a teenager that I had to rummage through my dad's closet and steal one of his button-up dress shirts, after all it is the honest-to-God truth since I didn't own one this nice looking myself, yet he refrained and I'm able to settle into a satisfied grin, "Well I’ve found that nice opportunities are more likely to present themselves to the presentable so... thanks. Glad to see you’re looking better too."

Seriously, he's in a refreshing return to form and it's obvious that the source of his rejuvenation has to be something far greater than merely my outfit. Pregaming, probably, but I don't care because he’s a far cry from the shattered soul I physically left sitting on that bench on Sunday night, yet who kept finding a way to agonize me mentally on the train ride back to Bayview. I wished I could’ve left him under a more imminently optimistic note but rushing his grieving process would’ve only delayed things for him in the long run and I’d truly delivered as much as I could for one night. Again, adequate time’s the only thing that could heal those wounds and watching him believe my compliment in this park only less than a week later is rewarding. The healing process can be a bitch and I’m happy it’s already starting to work out for him.

I can't wait for it to start working out for me too.

Tired of standing in this same spot, I take a few steps forward to the passenger's side of his car and lean against the door, tucking one of my arms underneath the one staunchly propping up my Parliament.

"Alright, so where is it? I’m not going anywhere until I see exactly what’s in store for me tonight.”

#/ilostmyheartandmymind #the bros #04172015

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