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s0ftkwan · 6 years

Text

(fake) boyfriend!daehwi

group; member wanna one; lee daehwi

genre fluff fluff fluff

author’s note literally came up with this in the shower lol also this gif is really cute <3

once a year your school had this giant festival that was full of games and food booths and tons of other stalls

basically like those huge fairs in those animes lol

and for the first time in forever, you and your bff daehwi didnt have anything to do

it was literally the first year since you transferred in that you werent class pres or vice pres and same goes for daehwi

this year the unfortunate position was given to guanlin, another close friend of yours

lets just say you enjoyed every single moment watching guanlin try not to pull his hair out from all the stress

ofc you two had little jobs here and there like running your class’s stall but that only took up about an hour of the whole festival

so you and hwi were hitting all of the stalls playing games and stuffing your faces with all of the food

literally you two felt like you were expecting mothers

overall it was a fun ass day until dun dun dun

your bitchy ass cousin who you absolutely hated with a burning passion oK calm down arrived

“hwi i’ll catch u later, i have to show this ho--I MEAn my cousin around“

on the inside you were literally begging him to end your life right there and then

she was visiting for the week and she couLd NOT gET ANY MORE annoying is2G

dont worry she felt the same <<3

you were stuck wondering why the heck she was here until you remembered

before you left for school in the morning, u remembered your mom telling you she was stopping by so that she could see what normal life was like where you lived

but u knew that it was her lame ass excuse to talk to more boys loL

anYways you had the great displeasure of showing her around the school

you were pretty sure for the first hour, the only words that came out of her mouth were “where are the cute boys y/n ??!!”

when you passed by the churro stall you were literally about to stuff those churros down her throat lmao

coincidentally you saw daehwi with your other classmates laughing about something

weirdly though you felt a little pit pat in your heart when you saw him smiling so much but you blamed it on the heat or something lame like that

but that lil joy disappeared immediately when you heard your cousin pipe up behind you

“ooo couz, who is that? he’s kinda cute“

you swore you were about to break her little fingers off when she pointed one of them at your best friend

instead of doing that though, you came up with another approach to shut her down for good

you didnt know what demon possessed you to be able to do such a thing but you grabbed daehwi’s wrist, pulling him away gently from your classmates

walked up to your cousin

linked your arms in his

and yelled out loud

“cousin dearest, meet daehwi, my boyfriend“

silence

ong somewhere in the distance telling daniel that he knew it and that he needed to be paid 50 bucks or smthn

for the first time, your cousin was actually speechless

“w-woah, o-okay,,, nice to meet you,,,,,hey couz, i’m gonna head uh over there ok? see you later!!”

she left awkwardly probs super embarrassed hAh

you were too busy smirking at your victory to notice your best friend’s totally shocked and blushy face

“b-b-boyFRIEnD???“ big time rush ayy

you finally realize that somehow your hands were intertwined with his “hwi your my best friend you know i would die for you right......pls be my boyfriend for the day“

the poor boy looked like he was going to faint

“ONLY for the day and only in front of my cousin, i promise when this is all over,,,,,,,i’ll get you a date with whoever you want bc letsfaceityouneedit“

you were terrified that he was gonna say n o bc what happens after thaT?? an awkward rejection??

“You know what that was so stupid of me pls forgive me let me just tell my cousin that it was all a li--“

“i’ll do it“

long story short thats how lee daehwi became your fake boyfriend for a day

and honestly, it wasnt all that bad

it actually felt pretty normal for you just like you were friends at a fair

except he held your hand and you had gross couple headbands

but only when your cousin was in your line of sight

people cooed at how cute you two were

especially your annoying seniors jaehwan and sungwoon

“jaehwan sungwoon i swear i will take these annoying headbands and choke you until you turn purple“

needless to say they shut up after that

you thought things were normal and even almost forgot about your little act until daehwi pulled you into an empty photobooth to take some couple pictures

“h-hwi, she cant even see us in here,,,“

“still! we gotta sell it, y/n!“

it was actually pretty fun

daehwi and you pulled some extremely ugly poses that you were not even sure existed until you did it

but for the final picture, daehwi told you to look straight into the camera with a pretty smile

you did as you were told bc you thought he was going to do the same, buT

cheeky ass boy plants a peck on your cheek just as the camera goes off

you look at him with wide eyes and he just has a sheepish smile on his face

“g-gotta sell it, right?“

the pictures came out really funny and so typical of you

daehwi let you keep the pictures except for the last one

when you asked him why he just told you “good memories that’s all“

you bet your ass you were a blushing mess after that

you two continued on as if nothing happened but you didnt notice how daehwi held your hand all afternoon even if you two had no idea where your cousin was

it was finally the closing of the fair’s first day and everyone pretty much left

you had found your cousin again who was surprisingly not as irritating as you thought

she was waiting by the gate and daehwi walked you there

“daehwi, thank you sosososo much for today,,,,like being my fake boyfriend and all,,,“

“no problem,,,,so,, y/n,, about your little offer,,,,“

you felt your heart break a little bit when you remembered what you offered him

i mean you werent jealous or anything its just that the thought of daehwi holding another person’s hand or kissing their cheek or doing anything like what you did today just made you kinda sour inside bUT YOU WERENT JEALOUS OR ANYTHING uh huh keep telling yourself that hun

“o-oh yeah, that,,, listen as your bff for life, i can assure you i am an a grade wing woman. just tell me your type and i can make it happen buddy. who is it? is it somi from class a? or dara the sophmore?? or is it––“

“it’s you“

what

“e-excuse me?“

“y/n, my bestest friend in the whole wide world who i have had a crush on since the first moment i saw you, will you go out with me?“

needless to say your night ended with a promise of a date, a future boyfriend, and a lot of excitement for the week to come

#wanna one #w1 #wanna one au #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenarios #w1 au #w1 imagines #w1 scenarios #lee daehwi #my bby hwi #i love him so much he's so squishy #pls love this smol talented boy ;;;#daehwi scenarios #daehwi imagines

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forethan21 · 3 years

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18/12/2020

To me love isnt about staying in a relationship or dwelling on a feeling. Love to me is bending but not breaking to compromise. It is the kind where you know when to let go in hopes to trust for the best to come, the kind where you empathise, showing vulnerability and completely surrender. (Remember when Jesus died for us in the cross? Diba he gave his all, his everything just so we can live. That should be a standard in our lives. To choose someone who would do anything to just be with us without questioning our worth. Never settle for someone who gives half of their heart. Its all or nothing.) The kind that is mature. Love is what you do despite of what you feel. The kind that fights for the good of someone else even if they never see the value or sacrifice that you did. (Thats what Jesus did. He never complained when he was on the cross. All the pain and burden he endured bc he loves us. And look at us now not even recognising how amazing he is. We took it this life for granted- some of us are wasting it, choosing people for our own accord and pleasure. Im saying this in general im not hinting it on anyone, but if the shoes fits then..) The kind that demands temporary surrender of security, giving up familiar bad habits and patterns, giving unrewarded works and efforts. The kind that challenges you in so many ways. Love wasnt made to be comfortable. It was made to show change and growth.

Not gonna lie tho i loved you for you and everything youve done. Those memories are dear to me bc i knew you tried no matter how difficult it was to love me in some days. Kaya gusto ko lng magpasalamat dun. Likewise, something i learned recently was that we should never question someone elses love for us regardless if it was inadequate. Bc i realised we should be thankful for the amount of love and care we receive from any person out there. Family, friends, lovers. That itself should be enough. Its not up to us how much love they should give to make us feel satisfied. That wouldn’t be love. The greatest love you could ever receive should come from you and the Lord not from anybody else. So i just wanna tell you that i take back those times i questioned your love. Bc what you gave was already enough.

Im sorry i couldnt wait for you to change. Bc i realised if you knew how to love me the very first time I wouldnt need to tell you anything. I wouldnt feel hurt bc im rest assured that you love me enough to know what to do. It didnt feel mutual to me.

When u came bck with your letter idk it seemed like there was something missing. Committment and plans. Maybe i was hoping that youd take me back but i guess it was the opposite. And maybe that was your answer after all. To tell me that you arent staying. I hope next time you go into a relationship po, you dont assume the worst. You dont jump into conclusions when it gets tough. Bc like anything can change if youre willing to do it. You need to trust the the other side will stay. It was the way your mindset was so fixed on the idea that I will leave. That i was making excuses. Ndi pow. I jst have standards. Oo tao ka lng, you make mistakes but how do i know tht youre not gonna make the same mistake again? Im jst protecting my heart po. I guess i dont wanna experience the same trauma again.

I hope someday na you will learn to see the good in people regardless if they did u wrong pow. (idk lng ha pero I dont think youve moved on sa ex mo pow. I feel like you havent fully forgiven her and accepted what has happened. I know it hurts to know that they betrayed you like that but your worth is not defined by them po. You did your best po and if she did not recognised that then thats her loss. This is partly what keeps u holding bck. Bc u didnt get closure. I hope you reflect on that and find the closure that you need po. Dont tell me you dont need one bc i know deep in your heart that it still hurts. Like bruh the fact na sure na sure ka na sa kanya u were ready to put a ring on her finger. You were hopeful and certain. I think it was meant to happen to test you both in your worst. You had your mistakes. She had hers. Dont you think you should close tht chapter of your life before starting a new one? Or more importantly, dont you think you deserve peace? Ill leave you to think bout tht). I wasnt trying to find something wrong jst to let you go. If i did i wouldnt put myself in a situation where I will lose my friends po.

Ethan i understand you. I understand your fear of giving too much to someone who youre unsure of and thats fine. But you need to accept the consequences of your mistakes. You need to take responsibility of it and what you couldve done to fix it. (Reflection is very important.) Youre not wrong for not knowing that but again you need to reflect in every situation in your life. It doesnt matter if you were right or wrong. Its important to do this bc the next time it will happen to you, you will know what to do. reflecting really helps you to step back and understand yourself, other people and the surroundings. It helps with analysing your own feelings, emotions and as well as understanding the depth of your own thinking. You need to consider other people’s feelings too. Understand their point of view and why they did things that way.

I told you yesterday that what happened in the past does not define you. You may have done them so wrong but i hope your realise youre not in debt to them. I remember your story about what you did to the girl. Yung trauma mo sa kanya you gotta let it go pow. You dont need to blame yourself every day for something that youve no control of. You did it out of anger. and she threatened you bc she has her personal issues as well. She was showing wat kind of person she was. It does not put a label on u. So far as I know you havent apologised to urself for what had happened and u havent forgiven her for what shes done. Whenever youre mad po dont let your emotions get the best of you. Give space and time. Step back from the situation and reflect. count to ten and reorganise your thoughts and feelings. What happened? what made me feel that way? what can i do to fix this?

The way i see it lng ha pero it felt like youre pitying yourself. And i want o reassure you that i recognised all you did to keep this relationship. The fights where you communicated with me, the times where you waited for me to explain, the support you give, and how you made me happy each single day. What youve done until this day is enough. I cant emphasise it enough. Ndi ko yun binalewala lahat. I saw your effort. Thats why i fought for u. Bc alam ko ndi ka ganun na tao. Kc alam ko na they have perceived you wrong. I saw the good in you. I saw that youre worthy of change. Everyone does pow. That was the purpose of it all.

But ldr is frickin hard. Being in a relationship is difficult enough let along ldr. Jst thinking about the amount of trust u hav for ur partner dang.. you need to fully invest on trust yo. How to overcome and resolve issues esp if theyre like me haha. Its hard for sure to do tht kc even ako may trust issues but it is possible. But as of now theres many areas in your life that you need to fix alone. Im not saying that im right ha. I could be wrong in so many areas about you that idk of but this is based on knowing you for months. im not saying you have a problem internally cuz we all have problems po What im saying is that there are some things we need to learn from others as well. Its a matter of listening and comprehending what theyre tryna relay and teach u.

Also asking for help isnt a weakness. (Idk but i cud feel you were mad that I reached out to your mother. Bro i know na kaya mo nman maging independent and i know na ayaw mo lng maburden yung parents mo with your problems on top of theirs but its gud that alam din nla ang anak nla is struggling and needs emotional support.) Its realising that we are deserving to feel and be emotionally supported. so dont ever feel bad for reaching out and admitting that youre struggling. after all were only human.

Though i never said anything i lowkey promised that I would not give up on you (sinsabi ko sa sarili ko to) bc i wanted to show you what its like for someone to stay. You told me about your past and struggles and i did everything i can for that not to happen again. You told me what broke your heart and I nver wanted you to feel anything like that in the relationship. More like i ensured that my intentions for you are pure. But somewhere along the way i came to realise that we both need to grow seperately. Not bc i gave up on you but bc i decided to think about myself and what i needed. I dont wanna text you and talk to u bc i respect you that much to know that this isnt the right time for both of us.

Being the way i am right now is for the best. Were both healing and getting the peace we need. God knows what Hes doing with us and i keep you in my prayers at night. Maybe someday down the line well meet again, at the right time. God will decide tht for us but for now ill be supportive of you in the silence. I dont wanna be civil cuz i know itll jst hurt you more esp since you have strong feelings for me. Dont worry my love for you will remain unconditional. But one thing i cant promise tho is that idk if my love for u will stay. We dont know what the future will bring. We may find our happiness in diff places. We may find it together. But all i know is i trust God to dictate my life. Thank you Ethan. Kahit paano i felt your unconditional love din. You can text me anytime if you need anything. Ill be here nman pow.

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in-paradox-space · 4 years

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you’re right

we are just choosing to be depressed.

you call it a cold room but I find warmth in the dark blanket of gloom.s

Why is it? We choose the feeling of sorrow over joy.

I suppose if we hold onto it long enough then we can pretend we aren’t the reason.

We can pretend there’s a we.

Who is he?

Do I need to keep toying with this idea that I am multiple.

Sure, we’re the same person, yes, we are. I need you, you need me and I need I

b u t

We wouldn’t have different desires if we got along

although

we do love each other

what was the moment

was it an indentation

a crack

a split?

when did I part ways

I remember that younger age

staring into the mirror

Yes. I love myself.

Like a magnet attracted to itself... repulsing any other who came near.

I remember

4 years old

my dad loved to show me action movies

I don’t care much for fighting now, even then I didn’t, I liked the movies though.

hehe

I remember jumping for joy at the sight of him beating my mother

It used to annoy me so much how my sisters would freak out and yelp

I noticed they’d just make it worse. It completely bewildered me, how this would happen so frequently, enough to make it abundantly clear, how every time they reacted it got worse.

If it bothered them so much then why react? Just accept it.

I accepted it... because I embraced it. I loved the violence... when it was associated with my father.

Like I said, not really much of a fighter myself. The movie scenes were always cool though. Especially enjoyed fighting with my dad, although I don’t even remember the moves he taught me I felt like he knew such huge secrets. Such unexpectable tactics, using an opponents body against them. He was the first one I learned that from, I loved it, he knew exactly what someones natural instinct was to defend themselves, so forward-thinking to use that as a means of offense.

my sisters thought I didn’t understand. I did understand.

I understood they couldn’t control their emotions.

I understood they didn’t really love their mother. If they did then they would’ve understood. They would’ve understood their role.

I understood, my mother provoked him each time.

I was 4. Knowledge is learned, but at that age, you just know things, your mind is fresh. You don’t need knowledge, before any time has passed you’ve retained enough information to already have learned.

It became clear step by step. She knew him well enough, they’d been together 2 decades or so. She understood what made him tick. I was only 4 right... I didn’t understand anything did I? Well, I understood what I saw.

She knew what made him angry. The arguments would reach a logical conclusion. They’d both reach an equal exchange. After much aggrieviation he would accept he did wrong. She wouldn’t, but he was willing to move on if she would just stop shouting at him, he understood she didn’t want to acknowledge anything she did as unjustified.

Then he’d get that look.

She must know him well enough. I mean, there’s two sides to it. If she cared about herself, she would know just to leave it be at that moment. Provoking him more would have the same result as it always had. Every other day, I remember about 3.5 years of it but who knows maybe it was before then too.

That’s enough time to recognise every little detail intuitively isn’t it?

I recognised those moments of remorse.

He’d beg her just to help him

just to cooperate.

Then. If she cared about him. If she cared about him she would recognise that any emotion is too much when someone gets to their limit. He doesn’t act like that normally. There’s a reason for it.

She just didn’t stop.

She just

didn’t stop.

The problem is

although, i cant say its a problem because I have to be grateful with my life for it

is that she started in the first place.

too stubborn to stop. much like me right now.

the truth is

I really enjoyed it back then, watching them fight.

I would love to get good looks at it

sometimes I’d shout encouragement

go on dad, punch her, yeah!

It was so exciting.

Even now, I do find some glee in the thought.

Of course, I don’t want it now, but I remember the times clearly enough.

tis a shame

they’d always ruin the moment by screaming and crying. it would annoy me so much. I’d tell them shut up.

damn

that must’ve really screwed em up

i can imagine what it felt like for someone who actually had typical baseline emotional associations for their family members

they was older than me. I imagine they watched their loving father grow more and more stressed, antagonized and relentless.

it was like, only until we got older, I was the only one who saw the horrible sides of my mother. The neglect. Neglect with the voice of a forced smile. Forced as if someone was literally holding a gun to her. Does it hurt that much? You don’t need to smile and pretend to care mum. I wouldn’t have expected you to care every time. disinterest was completely fine. shame you bottled it all up, concealed it, so poorly. that was so much worse than disinterest.

I got disinterested too you know.

Shame you had to bottle it into neglect.

I know it was hard though. I know I was tough.

Truth is.

I’d say, I’d put down cigarettes for you.

but would I? I never really did pause my games for you.

I guess we was both responsible for the cloud of smoke which stopped us sharing our air.

your mother was right

I’m sorry to bring her into such a note.

You should have disciplined me.

Funny, how I feel I’m able to blame you for the fact I’m even writing something like this.

Funny.

Now I look back.

If only you disciplined me

yeah we’ll pin it all on that

I bet if you just didn’t smoke... I can’t even imagine it.

starting at age 9

you must’ve had a real tough time back then

honestly

I would love to hear in depth what you went through

im 21

all I know is some sentences from your entire youth

childhood to young adulthood

I would love to know

every, single, minute nuance and indiscrepency of that time when you was 8

even more delightsome

every memory precursing it from 7 and even 6.

I remember the story of the little chicken you bought

a small price

you had to take it back though. your mum wouldn’t let you keep a little chicken in your room.

well.

maybe. I know its complicated

but it would have been nice if you all understood back then

that you should have allowed me to be excited and joyful, of my father beating my mother, of my mothers verbal spite returning to her in physical form.

you didnt need to shield me from the realities. I already saw every detail enough to remember it before I was 4.

No, that didn’t traumatize me.

I think, I’d be a lot (less) different if it did.

you didn’t need to shield me.

In my flowery, blossomic fantasy.

Aysh, my dear sister, you didn’t need to scream and cry.

You could’ve smiled warmly at the fact your darling brother found even this delightsome.

There’s reason to be joyful in any situation.

My older ones.

All you did was get in the way. There was no way you could stop me seeing it. Do you think, in the slower perception of time I had in my young brain, that I didn’t absorb every single speckle of detail in the scenario with the long 5 minutes I had to watch it unfold

the 5 minutes you was completely oblivious and dumbfounded

brushing me off to another side of the room wouldn’t stop me from seeing anything

besides i could hear it.

why did you even make yourselves watch it if you didn’t like it.

you could’ve stopped it too.

“mum, you’re making him angry. I know you’re upset but just be patient with him. If you give him some space to breathe he’ll show you he already loves you.”

you just had to be patient with him

I guess when you’re hooked on nicotine since age 9, your 4 year old son has taken all your patience for himself.

Around age 5.

Although, it honestly dampened my soul to do so.

I copied and imitated my sisters.

It would make them freak out so much more when I screamed in excitement.

Then it would ruin the experience.

It would annoy me so much. I still feel remnants of the annoyance now. That irritating sound of my sister ugly crying and wailing. the low, long sob. Just pull yourself together. Like, why cry so soon? Just stop. Wow. Why do you even care?

Look. I care about you... without the thought of you reacting so maternally.

but come on

why ugly cry so desparingly? Just like. why cry so much each time? It’s happened for years hasn’t it? Why aren’t you numb to it yet? It got boring. It honestly got boring.

oh same old reaction is it dad? Don’t you get tired of the same old fights and arguments mum? You both know exactly what you’ll say and act... might as well just not acknowledge each other.

You know

the most ridiculous part of it

she would always hit him first

over and over and over again

like she was literally asking for it

communicating with her hands

go on hit me back hit me hahahaha youre not allowed are you hahahaha you just have to hold onto those tears, mind if i abuse you some more, hit me back, hit me back, hahaha, what are you going to cry in front of your children? no? gonna get angry instead oh boohoo, over and over.

following him as he walked away

literally

what on earth do you expect?

what really annoyed me

was the fact she’d always get so upset when he finally fought back

and he wouldnt even hit her straight away

he’d do everything he could, knock over furnitures, shout, tell her, even plead with her, just stop, leave me alone, i dont want to argue tonight.

then she’d act like it wasnt her fault

like somehow, she didnt cause it all to happen.

she would tell us all the different ways in which he’s evil.

but she underestimated me because I’m young, i supposedly dont know anything and will believe what I hear

but i saw about 5 events a second, I’d have minutes at a time to watch before anyone else even clocked on. I’d say these things like 20 minutes to maybe 45 but its hard to tell because time was slower back then. honestly felt like 2 hours or so. bored out of my mind, not allowed to watch tv because my sisters were freaking out too much

5 minutes every other day. it becomes very easy to spot the recurring events. then notice in which order they happen. which responses only come when a certain previous event has happened. I knew, i could actually measure, by looking at him, how close to the limit he was, when he reached the limit and how further over the limit he’d need to get for it to physically manifest beyond my awareness and into acts of frustration.

either telling me no you cant watch tv right now or no look away

are you stupid

hahaha

shouldve told me to stay in my room and close my ears instead

maybe that way i wouldve been properly traumatized and scared

then maybe i wouldnt be such a freak now

because id have regular memories to talk through with CBT

but i wouldnt be scared of my father

you just took your mothers information at face value.

but i saw everything that happened.

and most of all

i didnt just hear his words. i heard HIM

i understood he had a short fuse, he got angry, sometimes he’d even smack us

but he never hurt us if we didnt do something wrong

he wouldve never laid hand on us without good reason

and yes he’d make sure it hurt but it was only enough to remember what we did and think about it.

it baffles me

how did they think he would ever hurt them

even when we made him angry

he wouldn’t do that.

he even tried his hardest, not to hurt the mother of his children

but she literally begged him to attack

legally

you cant beg, ask or plead with somebody to do something without using words

but humans dont exist within the confines of the law

They do exist within the law of the Lord.

what im saying is, although in a court of law its a discrepency

you can communicate with your body

with your energy for use of another word

with actions

how absolutely numb do you have to be to not understand, those actions make him attack you

its not even about standing up for youself

you wouldnt have to stand up for yourself if you didndt provoke him

if youd just love him and forgive him, then we’d all stand for each other

no standing alone for yourself

and only yourself, but in the long run, for nobody.

so to summarise

what im getting at is

when i was 5. i stopped expressing my excitement.

and i couldve comfortably stayed there.

i couldve just watched.

but i skipped a few steps. i decided to mimic and imitate my sisters

why? because children are impressionable? i dont know. i just did it and mimiced. it. i dont know if its because i wanted thme to think i was like them.

maybe. i was always isolated in how completely different i was from everyone else. maybe even my sister was a consolation at that point, to share a likeness to.

so for a while I would scream, and cry. i was more elastic then, it was easy to produce tears. or would i even cry? id just scream like they did. annoyingly hold onto my sisters and pretend to be scared like they would with each other

yay. were now in this together.

were doing the samre things.

ugh

that really ruined it.

they believed it. I wish they’d know me enough to know that wasnt genuine.

so i stopped

i stopped pretending

but by then i didnt enjoy it

i just found it really annoying that my mum always complained

she would cry

act trapped

all this all that

she didnt love him

and we couldnt care any less

we understood the problem would be solved if she would jsut kick him out, its not like hes holding the family together or anything

but every day no mater how much she’d annoyingly yell and screech shes gonna leave him and kick him out

she would just take him back in

for like a whole year after that

until i turned 7

it went on and on and on. the same old monotonous reactions. how can the exact same thing, being repeated over and over, incite the same emotional response each time

how on earth is it possible for you not to just lose interest by then to the point you dont even care enough to get angry

i knew i was bored of it

i just wanted to live my days

but my sisters, who, as far as i knew, had had AT LEAST 3 years to get used to this, always always had the same shocked reactions

wheres the shock? its just dinnertime.

its literally

just 7pm.

Thankfully, we had time to watch the simpsons.

it is just 7pm

this is what happens when dad gets home

why are you shocked?

is it a surprise that he didnt give her a rose and lovingly eat dinner

its not a surprise to me

your idiot little brother who didnt know anything and loves to eat up little white lies like the blind deaf imbecile he is.

why lie? like why?

youre so stupid. you always were. you always underestimated me. it was so horrible of you. to act like just because im 3 and 5 years younger than you that i know less than you, that its my job to pretend to believe your lies.

why do you think my lack of knowledge is an invitation for you to hide the truth from me

if im in this world, the same world as you, why tell me im in a slightly different world which looks feels and sounds just like the one we share.

why did you underestimate me? because of my age.

theres a difference between elasticity and plasticity.

i dont say youre stupid because youre old

why do you assume im clueless because im young

youve had your clues

why dont you humble yourself and ask me for the NEW CLUES

do you think thats it? because you noticed patterns in your upbringing that the netire world will never change? is that what you thought?

if we both respected each other. if we both understood we could teach each other

then at the least

it wouldnt annoy me so much that you would lie to me

maybe it wouldnt annoy me so much that when you tried to teach me division

you made me follow you into the bathroom, so you could hold my homework whie sitting on the toilet, just to make me watch you draw on the back of my homework sheet without even asking permission

why was that? you would always use your height and stature to avoid me coming near your room

but whenever i had something you liked, you’d take it and destroy it, share it with your friends to scribble on and cover it in glitter

there was 3 of you

you didnt need my things.

you didnt even respect what I had

so you couldnt have wanted or cared about ti that badly

if you love something you destroy it? is that what it is

so, didnt really summarise.

i think thats when my mind split apart into more than one

more than one dude

but shared

there at the same time

using different connections to understand different things then trying to combine the thought

but not really settling on one thing.

yeah

it was when

i had to pretend to be normal. when i got sick of that feeling, of them wondering why im so different, in enjoying watching my father fight my mother.

i had to pretend it upset me.

then, there was two(+?)

and the veil I hid behind

but i was flexible back then

it wasnt just faking expression, I was like method acting

and honestly it really ruined the buzz

i did a lot of pretending after that

when my father left

id just repeat stuff i heard other kids say

i thought it was so dumb. stuff i had no interest in. but i just knew, at those times in introductions and conversations and in response to certain events, the kids who had friends would react like that ... so so so stupidly. they was so dumb. you’re kids. you have such a clear mind HOW CAN YOU BE SO DUMB

maybe thats what comes with being able to trust your parents ha ha ha

and yeah

in some ways, that was worse than being alone

its like i was living

but i was already dead

please forget how many other people have already said those words and read it again like its the first time, so you can truly understand

its like i was living, yes.

but inside, the real me. I wasnt allowed to live, because as long as I lived, I would be treated like I shouldnt be. Like people dont want to breathe the air around me.

They gave me the look, the one which resembled how that part of me, behind the door, in the darkness of the light which shines through it to the back of my mind, felt, when they failed to remember the basic things which they had already been taught.

it was upsetting.

its like i was living.

but i wasnt allowed to.

so the real me had to die

just so i could pretend to be someone im not.

it went on into my teens.

id cut myself

not because i had any interest in t, i just saw how easy it wa to join the emo kids.

say you have depression, cut yourself, respect people with mental health issues, pretend to love Kellin Quinn, be bisexual and whatnot.

youre one of them

you dont even have to try when it comes to comforting them

use the same buzzwords “ stay strong “ “your skin isnt paper” “youre beautiful” if course that doesnt work now

but age 13-15. thats the way every girl i spoke to online claled me their best friend. thank you so much for always being there every night i need you

and honestly

i do feel baf for acting like they dont deserve to be honoured in speech of them/

i really really am grateful, they allowed me to feel joy, they allowed me to know what its like to have friends, i shared some resemblance to them.

im really grateful, they was there to talk to each night. even if it meant i had to convince myself i loved cats.

maybe they understand now

psychoses dont make somebody evil

neuroses shouldnt be the attractive mental health conditions which get all the sympathy

even aggressive people need empathy

they feel it too.

by the way

obviously

this was trying to paint a picture of how it all started

at least the earliest memories i stil have anyway

i dont still rejoice in the thought of my family being torn apart

and i wouldnt call my sister stupid for being upset.

im glad we’re there for each other now

i wouldnt have it any pther way

and i wish them the best

and im really really really proud of everything my sisters have achieved and even moreso all of the things they continue to do. some of them even inspire me.

#personal #long text post #family #repressed emotions

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sukirichi · 3 years

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i finally read reckless fic after avoiding it so many times due to finals and im crying because we still have until next week before the sem ends and now all i could think about is how good this fic and how it'll occupy 3/4 of my thoughts instead of stu(dying) also how ASIAN PARENTS ARE SO MANIPULATIVE AND PRIME EXAMPLES OF GASLIGHTERS !!!

satoru keeping y/n at distance to keep her away from his toxic fam hits so close to home. couldnt really blame if he just resorted to cut his ties with her in such an asshole way possible :((( also gojo mama? knew something was off when she treated y/n OVERLY nice??? like maam that isn't enough to mask the problems in your family and the best example is your own son without having stable relationship despite the loving family façade you present. u know how my profs in psych told when guy has problem with his romantic pursuits, his mom probably never loved him 😕

and valeria rang omg i thought she was this 'yas girl power' but still manipulative as gojos. tho im sure as hell if u are exposed to the business scene and to get that successful at a young age, qualities like making people bend at their whim is like on their checklist. and THAT TWIST AT CHP 5??? GOJO MAMA WILL BE CRYING AND WANTING Y/N TO MARRY HIS SON RIGHT AWAY SHE KNEW IT

and y/n being loyal and questioning why satoru is acting like that all of the sudden just breaks my heart. imagine that she already had her walls down when she rejected the offer of valeria without her realizing it then promise breaker satoru tells that she isn't significant in his life was 💔💔💔 goodluck winning her trust again sir. also i want to know how y/n will react if she knew valeria was her mom?? will she accept her or hate her seeing that she isn't dead and will she hate her dad from hiding the truth and making her not quite suffer by making her feel a burden with his other family? oh noooo i cant help it but i dont want her to end up with satoru. no one deserves to be tied with that fam 😤😤

on that note, i wouldnt mind having a second male lead and would gladly accept if its geto. best friend turned into lover rival triangle?? yes yes second lead syndrome is real and i refuse to believe this isn't a kdrama WHICH I LOVE?? first i was getting what's wrong with secretary kim vibes now im getting the heirs and how is this only chp5 😭 my fried brain can't process this

also queen suki how have u been? pls dont forget to hydrate as we gotta keep our precious brain cells happy and unbothered 😊 take care always 💖💖

-🍳

heloo i just want to clarify that not all asian parents are toxic and i dont generally view them like that and no im not an asian-hating anon as im asian myself ohhhhhhh im so embarrassed bcos i sent that ask while high on caffeine and now it has died down i just want a sinkhole appear on the ground and swallow me 😭🤧

OH NO EGG ANON I HOPE YOU DO WELL ON YOUR FINALS AND THAT YOU TAKE STUDY BREAKS AND DON’T OVERWORK OKAY???

yeah my heart hurts for satoru, he really didn’t have much of a choice in this 😔 if he did try to help her somehow, his mother would just blacklist y/n. exactly oh wow you caught on that, like the issue was raised that if gojo is this oh so perfect guy, then how come he seems ‘alone’?

ofc he can perfectly be happy and single, but the fact he’s constantly avoiding serious relationships with others and has a very mysterious past makes you wonder just what he is hiding 🧐 and omg as a psych student, i can’t disagree with that, it’s always about the mommy/daddy issues 💀

yeah that was the thing, y/n didn’t accept valeria’s proposal because 1) her world wasn’t something she wanted to be involved in and 2) she was warming up to gojo then he did that so yikes. as for how y/n would react with the revelation she’s from money, we’ll find out in the next chapter 🧐

ugh omg PLEASE i love model photographer geto sm?! I would so love that love triangle where geto becomes the second male lead bcos second male leads are usually always better 😫 plus geto already called us pretty so uwu 👉🏻👈🏻 oh my gosh wow i actually based satoru’s office from memory in the vice chairman’s office in what’s wrong with secretary kim! i haven’t watched the heirs tho, is it any good?

YESSSS i’m going after the kdrama vibe so expect some rom-com every now and then 💕 yeah omg me realizing i’m only on ch5 and i’m like OH CRAP IT GETS WORSE 😭 and for your next ask, i understand that it was more directed to reckless so no worries!

ah well you know,,,i’m not okay rn ( •᷄ - •᷅ ) and thank you so much, please take care of yourself too!

#asks with naoya's trophy wife #series: reckless #anon:🍳

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cjlotus92-blog · 7 years

Text

Momma

Wrote this when my mom was sick and still alive. She passed on Dec 4th 2016. Miss her like crazy, need to write but haven’t been able to find the words.

What the fuck am i going to do when i loose you, I only choose you, who am i to turn to? so used to running to you when times get bad, when i'm feeling sad, steaming mad, all the people be gunning for the door, except me, i stop, going to drop, staring at the floor, no tone, all alone, this aint no joke, how am i to cope, don't use dope, nope, afraid to choke, to long being broke, who the fuck i'm going to turn to when i loose you, cuz momma you the only one that makes me glad, you the only one who knows me, shows me what loves supposed to be, with you it aint no fad, there aint no fee, its free, you always been the glue, no matter if you had the flu, you keep this family stuck together, your like a feather, flying no matter the weather, similar to a treasure, tucked away, cuz you know we are just pieces of a puzzle, fuck i'm going to need a muzzle, before i guzzle a million words, then spit them out, no doubt, kick and pout, scream and shout, now its like the sky aint blue, this crazy world aint got no clue, momma what am i to do, i cant fill those shoes, you know i cant down these booze, can't mirror those fools, who will lose, drinking a bottle called twister, not me, cuz, even when things change quicker, i'll always protect my sister from any strange mister, brother takes care of the rest, dont put him to the test, even with a vest, this got me praying, not playing, thinking of you crying, worried about dying, dont matter if i get a blister, never letting go of this rope, bleeding, still having hope, even with this poke, dreading the arrival of the cart, to take my heart, so far away, no car can take me there,time ticking, by and by, feeling like its not a tie, no more, if we loosing, there will be no more cruising, there will be a fight, it will be tight, not light, just right, so fast, you in a cast as i pass, never last place, better fear my face, try and meet my pace, can't get a taste, guaranteed not teasing, just pleasing, still fearful, need to be careful, i aint firing, my thoughts are tiring, even when my babies start crying, never quit trying, still not hiring, maybe tearful, struggling to be cheerful, what the fuck, how is this fair, quick i need a chair, dying, please, doc tell me your lying, dont' you tell me my momma aint got time for flying, shes been wishing for Disneyland, please lord give me a hand, i just want to make her dreams come true, wouldn't you, she aint through, i hate this shit, cancer can suck a fucking dick, because without my moms i dont have a fucking lick, she makes everything click, not a temporary wick, but a permanent tick, i dont want to be stuck here flicking through these channels, sitting in my flannels, looking for all my manuals, chasing these memories, begging for heavens key on bended knees, in ten degrees, please, these hospitals better step up, before people catch up, what happened to that fountain, that fountain of youth, maybe built in a booth, these pharmaceuticals keep promising open curtains, instead they flirting, but whos counting these mountains, pretending like they have a miracle, forgetting to be lyrical, but in reality, the claims lack duality, all these mother fuckers care about is flipping profits, faking dockets, stealing pockets, stripping electrical sockets, can't fit light bulbs, clipping guys balls, acting like they have some big ideas, playing like we could be near, maybe it clears, wait, patients, please have no fear, they don't care if shes a wife, don't care about cutting her with that knife, promising life, the only topics these fat cats care about, is the ones that wear us out, let me tell you some facts, we definitely will not be a door mats, for companies to wipe their feet, we aint a piece of meat, for we the people will wear our tatts, cock our hats, carry bats, fuck it, we know what truly matters, not tatters, so don't try and flatter us, or our intelligence, because if so, we will construct a tall fence, full vision, with complete precision, constant offense, not playing, that shit will be intense, you'll be looking for defense and when you think you about to win, we gonna push you into a full spin, 360 degrees, giving you fleas, while you pay the legals fees, please, what you need to understand, is my momma is part of my clan, a full crew, who knew, i have already started a plan, consulting with the man, the only one who lives upstairs, don't care who stares, he can cure nightmares, turning water to wine, healing the blind, please lord, i'm knocking on your door, i am praying for you to rewind, all these fucking tumors, make them old rumors, so my family can get back to good humor, because what the fuck am i to do, i can't loose you, momma, you taught me to dream for good luck, work to make a buck, you always taught me well, picked me up when i fell, i guess this is me saying, what i want to tell, is this amazing story, the opposite of ordinary, its about this leading lady, who can never be shady, which i confess, she's past all life's tests, and i am blessed to have always been able to call her mom, we spent time on prom, shopping, crafts, tasks, making it last, she is never stopping, even when she was mopping, the messes her kids created, she has never hated a single soul, she would always share her bowl, providing to any person who was thirsting, hydrating the world, one tiny drop at a time, spent every dime, there is no line, helping others, buying them covers, supporting true lovers, teaching all kinds of mothers, the definition of good, she has never minded, which neck of the woods you stood, if she could, she would, man, she has always cared, acting never scared, always being strong, never doing wrong, loving all no matter how tall, even if they fall, all we have to do is call, thats all, she never asks for much, just to keep in touch, try not to fuss, or cuss, too late, she knew it, she went through it, my momma always knows, the tricks, to solve problems, she can bake cakes, not fakes, picnics at the lake, not matter what it takes, fulfill your desires, make fires, change tires, spot liars, sew for days, in a maze, get you out of a daze, give you praise, raise you up, amaze, its a permanent phase, remove any main stains, she tames, no games, even when dealing with lames, who want to blame and frame, they get ate up by her flames, cuz she was born to command her land, blonde hair, blue eyes, big heart, street smart, old school classy, but new school sassy, totally cool, morally smooth, even likes to groove, when she moves, skip bo master, u better go faster, never embarrassing, no comparison, with or without drama, she will always be my momma. I love you mom.

��7(��

#lyrics #lyric quotes #lyricsarelife NF wittlowry god fuckcancer Eminem marshallmathers mom

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