#i have an appointment tomorrow to get accommodations for my learning disability tomorrow and idk what thatll b like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stabthecode · 2 years

Text

Rant

Everything fell apart yesterday. Between not making an appointment with the disabilities office to start discussing accommodations to completely forgetting about a dress rehearsal for my orchestra class which means I likely won’t be able to perform in the concert, I’m just left feeling like a failure. It feels like I can’t fucking take a step in the right direction without losing everything else that I had already been balancing.

I hate it. I can blame it on the ADHD and the autism and the sleep deprivation but at the end of the fucking day, I fucked up and as much as I try to fix things and ask for forgiveness, I still fucked it up and that comes with consequences and I am terrified of what the consequences will be. I’m already going to be failing or withdrawing from 2 classes; I don’t want to have the same thing happen with one of the only classes that I actually was managing to do somewhat well in and that I literally use to help regulate my fucking fucked up existence.

Im just

tired

Tired of fucking things up, tired of waking up feeling like I don’t want to exist, tired of forgetting that I’m human and need to do the human things that keep my body alive, tired of messing up the most mundane of tasks like following a schedule because I have the fucking memory of a damn finch, tired of myself second guessing my every fucking motion and breath and thought

I want the semester to be over already

I want some fucking help

I want a fucking hug at this point and don’t really have an option for that rn

I want to be able to release emotions without having to be at such a point that I feel like my entire existence just shattered on the ground and that there is literally nothing else that I can fucking do

I want to fucking sleep but nope, have to have an anxiety attack and don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why but fucking hell, I’m exhausted, I’m beyond exhausted and I just want to fucking sleep please

And that was just Monday. There’s still an entire week ahead of me. And I already just want to burn everything to the fucking ground. Love it. Love that I’m already at that point so early in the week, I’m going to have a great time recovering from this.

I’m just tired. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Everything is draining and I just keep falling further and further and further and I just can’t keep this up at this point and I’m cracking under the pressure, I can fucking feel it and while we’re working to remove some of the strain, I think we’re past the elastic portion of my ability to fucking deal with things right now. The force seems to be leaving very obvious changes and they aren’t going away at the moment and I can’t tell if they ever will.

(And yet somehow despite it being literally 1 am, I still remember on a very basic level what I learned about the Modulus of Elasticity two years ago in my material sciences class that I failed the final of. So apparently something fucking stuck.)

And now we can apparently add increasing levels of paranoia and a higher dose of anxiety because my roommate started coughing in her sleep which atm is causing a very visceral physical reaction as my arms tense up and twitch at the sound and potential danger I know that could come with. Love it!

Idk, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Maybe it’ll be worse.

We could find out if I could FUCKING SLEEP but noooo we’re being very awake at this point despite my eyes aching at the sensation of still being open.

I hate this

I hate being mentally fucking ill so goddamn much sometimes

Sometimes it just fucking hits you upside the head just how fucking mean it can be and tries to actively ruin the parts of your life that we’re trying to be decent only to go hide a little ways away while I’m left picking up the pieces. Not to even mention how it still fucking torments me while I’m picking up said prices that it broke.

And yes, I know I’m not supposed to be saying things like this about parts of my existence that I cannot control but son of a bitch, I was trying so fucking hard and apparently it’s all for nothing or it feels like that rn.

… if you’re reading this, no I’m not going to hurt myself. don’t worry. even if my brain is currently saying that I am completely worthless it is a) too tired to think of a decent way to do anything like that while still allowing me to remain under the weighted blanket on my lap because my brain is far more determined to stay under here than literally anything else at this point in time and b) does not fucking like pain and isn’t willing to try anything because it would probably hurt and I don’t want that

Anyways, back to out regularly scheduled program of me bemoaning the fact that my entire life seems to be falling apart around me.

Actually no, I’m too tired to continue forming coherent sentences about this topic rn and my brain is already moving onto thinking about beeduo and the fic I’ve been vaguely trying to reread the entire day. Probably not the best thing given that I am obviously still having to deal with the circumstances and consequences that will come with said circumstances but I’m also too tired to really care rn.

Again, if anyone finds and reads this, I’m not going to do anything to myself after I finish typing this up. I’m just going to try and sleep for a few hours. Or like, 8 because it seems like that’s how long my brain has been forcing me to sleep for the past week or so.

#rant tw #personal. feel free to skip. it’s not a fun read in any concept of the term #college problems #college life #adhd #autism #metal illness

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